Category Archives: Loki

The Greeks Do Not Have a Monopoly on Bestiality

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8

Ok so horsefucking

I promised it, and now i am delivering on that promise
i am delivering a big wet trough full of horsecock
you’re welcome

so this takes place after the Aesir and Vanir have stopped fighting
and the giants are pretty much leaving everyone alone
and everything is pretty okay
and so obviously Odin has to go and fuck it all up
by making a shitty deal with a giant
he is like hey giant
bet you can’t build a wall around my entire city
in the time it takes a woman to get preggers and pop out a baby
and the giant is like what do i get if I win
and odin is like hm shit
i’m kind of low on cash right now
how about freyja
also the sun and the moon
i don’t really need those anyway
so the giant is like sweet ok
and odin is like oh
and if you can’t finish the wall in time i get it for free
and the giant is like sure dude whatever

so a couple weeks later the giant shows up
along with a dude he brings along SPECIFICALLY for the purpose
of impregnating some chick
more or less turning her into a living hourglass
WITH BABIES INSTEAD OF SAND
and he is like ok i brought a dude
do you have any virgins he can borrow
you know
for sex
and odin is like oh yeah hold on
lemme just reach into my big sack of virgins
here’s one
go nuts
so the dude goes nuts
and the chick gets pregnant
and the next day WORK BEGINS

now Odin is pretty confident
that there is no way the giant can build a proper wall in time
like
Asgard is pretty much HUGE
I mean they had to build a six mile long feast hall
just to accommodate Thor’s LEFT NUT
so Odin just sits back and prepares to have a partially finished wall
TOTALLY FOR FREE
you don’t become a god by being bad with money guys
this is a fact

BUT OH SHIT WHAT IS THIS
the giant and his unreasonably strong horse
are putting up this wall LIKE IT IS GOING OUT OF STYLE
the chick with the baby is like
just barely starting to feel incredible discomfort
and the wall is ALMOST TOTALLY FINISHED
and Odin is like oh shit oh shit I might have to pay this giant
for all the work that he’s doing
that is UNACCEPTABLE
so he calls up loki like OH FUCK LOKI SOLVE MY PROBLEMS
and loki is like what why
and Odin is like REMEMBER HOW WE HAVE AN OATH OF KINSHIP
THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT I SAY?
and Loki is like oh yeah
i guess that’s a thing we did
why the fuck did we do that
and Odin is like DOESN’T MATTER STALL THAT GIANT

so loki is like shiiiiit
i’m a pussy
I can’t stop a giant
but WAIT!
I can conquer his horse!
WITH SEX!
so he turns into a superhot sexalicious girlhorse
with her ladyparts all distended and pungent
and the manhorse gets a whiff of that shit
and is like I AM CALLING A TIME OUT ON ALL THIS WORKING
a SEX TIMEOUT
(guys feel free to use sex timeouts in your everyday life
i know you were all struggling for some way to justify
dropping everything you are doing
and just having a bunch of sex
well NOW YOU HAVE THAT JUSTIFICATION)
so then the giant is like fuuuuuuuuuck
how am i going to finish this wall without my powerhorse
I feel like I may have been cheated by odin just now
I’m going to go yell at him

so he goes to odin’s room like ODIN WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY HORSE
and odin is like i dunno what you’re talking about
and the giant is like FUCK THIS I’M TAKING FREYJA
and Freyja is like whoa what
because apparently Odin completely forgot to tell her about this deal
and the giant is like hey everyone
tough tacos
freyja is coming with me
and Freyja is like THORRRRR
and thor magically appears like what
oh you need me to kill a giant?
yeah alright
so he kills the giant
thus once again saving Odin from the consequences of his shitty actions

meanwhile Loki is off in the forest
getting his bone on with a megahorse
and a couple months later he finally comes back to Asgard
leading the horse
and also another SMALLER HORSE
but what this horse lacks in size
it makes up for in TOO MANY LEGS
yes sir
this is
THE OCTOHORSE
(aka Sleipnir)
and Odin is like oh shit horses
give me those
and loki is like NUP
I’m totally giving ultrahorse to Freyja
and Odin is like can I at least have octohorse
and Loki is like only if i don’t have to do what you say anymore
and Odin is like fuck
FINE
and loki is like sure you can have that horse
HAHA PRANKED IT CAME OUT OF MY HORSE VAGINA
and Odin is like ew ick
i still want the horse though

so the moral of the story
is if you want to murder your workmen instead of paying them
that is okay
but only if you REALLY don’t want to pay them

the end.

There Are Not a Lot of Things Freya Won’t Do For Jewelry

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Okay so apparently the overwhelming consensus is Freyja
I did not know how many fans I had who A:
Like freyja
and B:
use either a single letter or a single number for their WHOLE FUCKING NAME
HOWS THAT WORKING OUT FOR YOU A
ARE YOU ALWAYS FIRST ON ALPHABETICAL LISTS
OF ALL THE JERKS IN THE WORLD

but see apparently it is difficult to find a myth about Freyja
in which her main role
isn’t just as something people give each other
this is because THE NORSE APPEAR TO TREAT WOMEN AS CURRENCY
but don’t worry guys I found one
(plus a sweet one about horsefucking that I’ll tell some other day)

So Freyja right
she wakes up one morning
and she is like HOLY SHIT GOLD
I JUST HAD A WET DREAM ABOUT SOME
AND NOW I WANT SOME
but hm where should I get gold
oh wait
I live in a world with dwarves
WHAT A STUPID QUESTION

so she walks across town to drawftowne
and while she is walking loki sees her and he is like fuuuuuuuck
that chick looks like she is about to get some TREASURE
I want to RUIN THAT ACCOMPLISHMENT FOR HER
because I am Loki and that is basically all I do
AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN

so Loki follows Freyja all the way to goldfuckopolis
hometown of the dwarves
or at least four dwarves
Alfrigg, Dvalinn, Berling and Grerr
four shitty names for four shitty people
and sitting on their bukakke pedestal
is just the most pants-shittingly fantastic display of golduggery
EVER
(golduggery is exactly like skulduggery
except instead of doing crimes you do gold)
it is this INDESCRIBABLY VALUABLE NECKLACE
it is SO INDESCRIBABLE
that all the norse scribes purposefully lost most of the text of this myth
and no one actually knows what it looks like
or even if it is a necklace really
we’re kind of just guessing here
more or less based on the fact that a necklace is the only form of gold
that could accomodate four dwarfdicks simultaneously
MAN I HATE DWARVES SO MUCH

and so does Freyja
so when these four skeezy dwarfs pop out she is like ew fuck
I mean hey guys how’s it going
think i could have this necklace or whatever it is?
i REEEEEEALLY like it
I’ll pay you GOLD for it
and the dwarves are like we don’t need any more gold
WHOA RECORD SCRATCH
Did you just hear what I heard?
DWARVES
do not need more
GOLD
these are clearly not four dwarves
but rather eight babies in four dwarfsuits
this is the only explanation

and see that just makes the next part weirder
because then freyja is like ok shit well i basically just have gold
credit cards haven’t been invented nor has investment banking
and the dwarves are like WELL YOU HAVE A VAGINA
HOWSABOUT WE ALL USE THAT FOR LIKE 24 HOURS APIECE
and freyja is like hm
…
okay!

so each of the dwarves fucks freyja for a solid day/night cycle
and they are very civil about it and no one minds getting sloppy seconds
or hot carls or ANYTHING
and at the end of the four days the dwarves are like welp
we’re about as sexually satisfied as we are ever going to be
in our sad sad lives
here
have this necklace
and freyja is like SWEET
this was ALMOST worth debasing myself in this manner!
and meanwhile Loki
who, remember, followed freyja here
is like DAMN I WISH I HAD FILMED THAT
I BET THERE’S A WHOLE INTERNET FETISH ABOUT THIS KIND OF SHIT
oh well i guess i can just settle for ruining her accomplishment
like i planned

so Freyja goes home to enjoy her necklace and take a long shower
and loki hauls ass over to odin’s place
and loki is like odin odin guess what
I know i’m the god of lying all the time
but you gotta trust me when I say
freyja just fucked four dwarves for a necklace
and odin is like yeah that sounds like freyja
I mean WHAT
IIIIII WANTED TO FUCK FREYJA
WE ALL WANTED TO FUCK FREYJA
EVERY GODDAMN GIANT IN JOTUNHEIM WANTS TO FUCK FREYJA
AND ALL WE HAD TO DO ALL THESE YEARS WAS OFFER HER JEWELRY?
UNACCEPTABLE
LOKI GO STEAL HER NECKLACE
and loki is like did somebody say STEALING
and odin is like yes loki that was me that said that
but loki doesn’t hear him because he is already at Freyja’s place
STEALING

so he gets to freyja’s place and the door is locked
he is like what the fuck freyja why you gotta value privacy
maybe because you do shit like fuck four dwarves
so he turns into a fly and tries to find a way in
and FINALLY he flies in through a crack in the roof
but there are EVEN MORE PROBLEMS
because Freyja is sleeping on her back
with the clasp of her necklace completely inaccessible
so loki turns into a flea and mauls the fuck out of her fucking cheek
causing her to spaz out and flip over
and then loki turns into loki and just steals her necklace
and waltzes his merry way home

so Freyja wakes up
notices her necklace is gone
notices her door is open
and is like DAMMIT LOKI
but wait
Loki wouldn’t do this on his own
he’s too much of a pussy
DAMMIT ODIN
but wait how did Odin know about my necklace
DAMMIT LOKI
wait but how the fuck am I ever going to find loki
IM GONNA GO YELL AT ODIN

so she shows up at odin’s place
like WHAT THE FUCK DICKFISH GIMME BACK MY NECKLACE
and Odin is like WELL WELL WELL
IF IT ISN’T SLUT CITY
HEY I HAVE SOME BRASS PLATES AND A SHINY ROCK
WANNA GIVE ME A RIMJOB OR SOMETHING THEY’RE ALL YOURS
and Freyja is like VERY FUNNY ASSHOLE
and Odin is like I BET YOU WON’T THINK MY ASSHOLE IS THAT FUNNY
WHEN YOU ARE GIVING ME A RIMJOB
but seriously i am really scandalized by what you did
so i’m going to punish you
and Freyja is like aw frig
what’s it gonna be
and Odin is like ok well i’ll let you have the necklace back
but only if you make all the races of men in Midgard
fight wars forever
oh wait that’s not really a puniAND FREYJA IS LIKE YES DONE THANK YOU
and then there is war forever
but at least freyja looks pretty

so the moral of the story
is that apparently women ARE currency
but be careful
try and purchase a sandwich with its equivalent dollar value in women
and what you may end up with is CEASELESS WARS

THE END.

Loki is still a dick, but also covered in poison

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5

Ok i’m sorry guys

one of the three of you who reads my blog on a regular basis
tells me that the story of loki being a dick to baldur
does not end just because baldur happens to be dead
it gets significantly worse
so i am going to tell you the rest of it
NOW

ok so Baldur is dead
and everyone is sad
and they set his body in fire
you know
like you do
and then his wife is so sad she dies
so they set her on fire too
and then Frigga is sad
but instead of dying
she gets the universe to agree to this stupid bargain
which is that if everybody cries about baldur he comes back to life
but loki WILL NOT STOP BEING A DICK
EVEN FOR A SECOND
so he disguises himself as some giantess
(that is a female giant)
named Thok
and refuses to lament baldur
even though he could have totally just refused to lament baldur normally
without disguising himself or anything
loki just has to make shit overly complicated
that is just who he is

so anyway then baldur fails to come back to life
and the gods are like FUCK LOKI
WHAT IS THIS
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
and loki is like i dunno i thought it would be funny
and the gods are like guess what cockbark
it is not funny at all
and loki is like oh fuck better leave
so he turns into a salmon for a bit
and hides under a waterfall
but the gods find him
and they try to catch him but he jumps like a motherfucker
but it is ok because thor catches him
like just as much of a motherfucker
and then they take him
and chain him to a rock
in a cave
under a snake
which constantly drools venom all over his eyes
until the end of the fucking world
proving that no matter how crafty you are
eventually your friends will figure shit out
and douse your eyes with poison
so maybe you should be nice to your friends sometimes

the end.

What the fuck Loki

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22

Guys this is a very important post
because it has two very important informations in it
one is that i am like a third of the way through linking up all the posts
you can see a fine example of the kind of bullshit that is happening here

SECOND ANNOUNCMENET
i have decided fuck video myths
at least until i am no longer on the road
because finding internet to post 5-7 videos is fucking exhausting
and the quality is shite anyway
BUT NEVER FEAR
BECAUSE LISTEN GUYS
The next time I get a total of 20 bucks from you assholes
I am going to post a rap
about a MYTH
like right now I am working on a rap version of Oedipus Rex
(which you may recall was the first ever myth on this blog)
So give me money and I will give you raps
don’t believe I can do it? WELL FUCK YOU.

ANYWAY

Holy shit guys this myth pisses me off

so basically what happens
is there is this god Baldur
he’s real pretty and everybody loves him
and he knows it
but he’s not a prick about it or anything
but then SUDDENLY
Baldur starts having this shitty terrible nightmares
that are just like HEY BALDUR
GONNA DIE BALDUR
GONNA GONNA DIE

so baldur goes to Odin
all like waah dad i had a bad dream
and odin is like OH FUCK SON
WE GOTTA GO ASK SOME DEAD WITCHES ABOUT THIS SHIT
so he rides his weird octopus horse sliepnir
all the way to the grave of this chick Volva
only i dont know why she has a grave cuz she’s not really dead
she just kind of pretends to be dead all the time
and tells the future
so basically like some kind of psychic emo possum
anyway odin shows up all like WAKE UP BITCH
and volva is like WHAT
and Odin is like I passed Hel on the way here
and they looked like they were bout to have some kind of hootenanny
WHY IS THIS
and Volva is like oh your son’s gonna die
this is NOT the answer Odin wanted to hear

so he goes back to Asgard
and he is like hey frigga i have good news and bad news
and frigga is like give me the good news first
and odin is like our son is going to die
and frigga is like FUCK THAT’S NOT GOOD NEWS
and odin is like oh shit yeah i forgot
there is no good news
there is only bad news
so yeah

then frigga calls all the gods together
and she is like guys what the fuck
who is plotting to kill my son
and they are like what
we like Baldur why would we do that
what are we some kind of band of scheming murdering assholes?
and loki is like I am
and everyone is like shut the fuck up Loki

so since obviously this is accomplishing nothing
frigga decides to go out
and singlehandedly make EVERYTHING PROMISE NOT TO KILL BALDUR
not everyONE mind you
but everyTHING
like fire and dandelions and refrigerators and tornadoes
like have you ever played katamari damacy
it is like one of those fucking lists the king of all cosmos rattles off
during the loading screen for every level
like someone gave acid to a random number generator and hit it with a shovel
she is just like guys
kill whoever you want as long as it isn’t baldur
and everything is like yeah sure no problem
we like baldur
baldur’s hot

so pretty soon baldur is indestructible by default
just basically because everything abjectly refuses to kill him
and his brothers think this is funny as shit
in fact they keep having parties
that consist solely of duct taping their brother to a wall
and throwing shit at him
i feel like they are not the first brothers to have ever done this
but they are definitely the first to get away with it

but for some reason
and seriously guys
i have NO IDEA what that reason might be
loki is not okay with this
so what he does
is he dresses up as a woman
(the guy likes to feel pretty, ok)
but an OLD woman
and then he sidles up to frigga
who is watching her sons throw weapons at her other son
and is like hey what the fuck is going on over there
and freyja is like oh its fine
everything in the entire world has promised not to kill baldur
except that mistletoe over there
but that’s just because it is too young and easily influenced to make promises
pretty safe, huh
and loki is like YESSSS
UNBELIEVABLY SAFE

so of course loki grabs that nubile young mistletoe
and sharpens the fuck out of it
and puts it on a spear
and then he goes and finds Baldur’s sad blind brother Hoder
who is like boo hoo i want to throw shit at my brother
but no one will let me have a weapon cuz i’m blind
and loki is like OH THE INJUSTICE
JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS BLIND DOESN’T MEAN
THAT SHE SHOULDN’T BE ABLE
TO HURL DEADLY WEAPONS AT HIS FAMILY
HERE TAKE THIS SPEAR
and hoder is like AWESOME THIS DOESN’T SOUND LIKE A BAD IDEA AT ALL
and he flings the spear
and for some reason manages to hit Baldur DIRECTLY IN HIS HEART
guys
HODER IS BLIND
THIS IS SPECIFICALLY WHY HE IS NOT ALLOWED TO THROW SHIT
WHY IS HE SO ACCURATE SUDDENLY
AAAAAAAAAA

anyway then baldur dies obviously
and everyone is really sad because they liked him
and now he is dead forever
man being a god in norse mythology doesn’t have all the perks it should

anyway the point here is
WHAT THE FUCK DID LOKI HAVE TO GAIN FROM THIS
it’s like
all you have to do
is REALLY REALLY want something not to happen
like the end of the world or your son dying or spiders erupting out your dick
and loki will MAKE THAT SHIT HAPPEN

so i guess the moral of the story
is if you are trying to get a bunch of stuff to promise not to murder someone
don’t forget to get LOKI in on that shit
seriously man what the fuck
i am getting rageblisters all over my body from this shit

the end i guess

MOTHERFUCKING NORSE MYTH AVALANCHE

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5

OK SO GUYS
GUYS
I ALREADY LOST MY BET
I USED ALLCAPS WHEN I WAS TALKING TO SOME GUY
SO NOW IT IS ALLCAPS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER TIME
TRUST ME THIS IS AWESOME

OK SO THE NORSE GODS RIGHT
ahem i mean the norse gods right
(gotta leave some room for UNDUE EMPHASIS ok)
they have these apples they eat
these sweet delicious golden apples
provided by this chick Idunn
and these apples
are the official sponsor
of never getting old ever
or at least never looking old
they are like botox apples
holy shit i should patent those
wow wow wow

ok anyway
on an unrelated note
one day Loki and Odin
and Odin’s brother Hoenir
who nobody cares about
except maybe odin
and i’m not even sure about that actually
decide to go on a camping adventure
except they don’t pack any food
like IDIOTS
so they do the manly thing
and kill an ox
and cook it for dinner
except instead of cooking it
they FAIL AT FIRE
for HOURS ON END
like they make a fire
and they put the meat in the fire
and they sit there and watch the meat attack the fire
for several hours
and then they take the meat out
and it is like goddamn beef sashimi
wait is it still beef if it is oxen?
whatever
you know what i mean
shit’s undercooked

so eventually
after a veritable cavalcade of failure
this eagle shows up
all like SQUAWK SQUAWK BITCHES
I CAN MAKE THAT FIRE WORK LIKE FIRE IS SUPPOSED TO
BUT IN EXCHANGE I GET TO EAT SOME OF THAT TASTY OXBEEF
and the gods are all pretty hungry so they are like sure fine
so then the eagle somehow turns the fire into a massive furnace
now if i was those guys
i would get pretty suspicious right around now
but these guys are professional retards
so they just go with it
and then the meat is cooked
and the eagle is like ok foodtime
and eats pretty much all of the meat in one bite

so obviously the gods are pretty pissed about this
and in fact loki is like GOD DAMMIT FEATHERTITS
YOU JUST MOUTHJACKED MY MEATSLAB
PREPARE TO GET PUNCHED
and he runs towards the eagle
and the eagle just kind of takes him
up into the mountains
and starts dragging his face over rocks
like WHO HAS THE FEATHERTITS NOW FEATHERTITS
HUH
WHO IS IT THAT HAS THEM
and loki is like IT’S ME IT’S ME
I HAVE THE FEATHERTITS
STOP REUPHOLSTERING MY FACE WITH THESE ROCKS
I LIKE HAVING SKIN
STOP STOP STOP
and the eagle is like NUP
GONNA KEEP RIGHT ON DOING THIS
UNTIL YOU PROMISE TO DELIVER ME
THOSE GOLDEN APPLES YOU GUYS EAT
THE ONES THAT ARE LIKE EDIBLE BOTOX
(ha HA
not so unrelated now
is it?)
and loki is like FINE FINE OW FINE OW
so then the eagle brings loki back to his friends
and they are like hey man how did you escape
and loki is like NOTHING SHUT UP
LETS GO HOME IM TIRED

so they go back to asgard
and loki sidles on up to that chick Idunn
not being shifty at all
like hey girl
i was just over in midgard and i saw this chick
who had apples JUST LIKE YOURS
pretty crazy huh
and Idunn is like yeah that is pretty crazy
and loki is like i know
it was so crazy
i was like WHAAAAAAAT
these can’t be the same apples
and then i thought to myself
there is only one way to find out
and that is to go get Idunn
and bring her all the way to Midgard
along with all her golden apples
so I can do a side-by-side comparison
this is the only way
and Idunn is like dur ok sounds reasonable
i am always looking for more apples to botox the aesir with

so Idunn follows loki over to Midgard
and no sooner are they across the bridge
when that goddamn asshole eagle swoops down
like NYAHAHAHA YOINK
and takes Idunn and all her apples
and then reveals that he is in fact a giant
named Thjazzi
although really that doesn’t matter
since he is basically an eagle forever all the time
anyway he takes idunn back to his place
and locks her in the highest tower
doesn’t even use the apples or anything
he is JUST DOING THIS TO BE A PRICK

so meanwhile
back in Asgard
the aesir are starting to get PRETTY SAGGY
and they are all hiding in their castle
like oh fuck oh shit what are we going to do
we’re ugly
how are we going to keep killing giants
and insulting dwarves
when we are ugly
they will just laugh at us
oh god this is like prom all over again
except then someone realizes
loki is totally not there
and they decide he is probably the cause
of all this bullshit
i mean really
they should have figured this out alot sooner
resolving aesir crises is pretty simple guys
here
let me make a flowchart

DO YOU HAVE A CRISIS?
YES
DID THE GIANTS DO IT?
NO?
LOKI DID IT.

GET LOKI TO SOLVE YOUR CRISIS

so that’s what they do
they find loki
and they are like hey asstrolley
did you fuck up again
and loki is like haha you got me
please don’t kill me
and they are like we won’t
provided you get the apples back
and loki is like fuck fine
why am i always held responsible for my actions

so he goes and finds freyja
who is apparently not part of this whole shit fiasco
and is like freyyyjaaaaaaa
i need to borrow your feather cloak again
you know the one that makes you fly
and is obscenely valuable
and freyja is like well i guess
since you didn’t steal it the last time i lent it to you
i’ll just go ahead and blindly trust you with it again
even though you could easily use it
to just escape all of the angry aesir
you know what fuck them
i’m a vanir anyway
i’m a fucking insurgent
here have this cloak
go nuts

so loki takes the cloak
and once again
is UNCHARACTERISTICALLY HONEST ABOUT THE WHOLE THING
he flies to Thjazzi’s place
and finds Idunn in the tower
and turns her and her apples into a nut
so he can carry them
and then gets the fuck out of there
and Thjazzi sees him and is like AW HELL NO
and turns into a massive eagle again
so loki is hauling ass through the clouds
and Thjazzi is hauling ass after him
and they are getting pretty close to asgard
so the gods see this happening
and they are like OH SHIT
QUICK
MAKE SOME FIRE
so they build a HUGE fire right in front of asgard
and loki flies over the twigs
and then right as thjazzi is flying over them
the flame suddenly goes FWOOOOOOOM
and immolates him six ways to sunday
and loki turns his nut into idunn and the apples
and no one has to be ugly ever again

so the moral of the story is
sometimes fire can cause problems
like when you end up indebted to a giant evil eagle
but it is okay
because any problem caused by fire
can be solved by a much larger fire

the end.