Category Archives: Celtic

Cuchulainn Rapes His Way To Success

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13

So first off i just want to say whats up
to the like nine trillion new people who have showed up to my blog
over the past couple days
thanks to a combination of Neil Gaiman and Cracked.com and some other shit
I will try to make the myth today extra sweet for you guys

oh also ANNOUNCEMENT TIME
so some of you may have noticed all my sweet shirtless videos
where i wear weird hats and yell about epic wars and junk
well I have wanted to do something with them for a while
but now that i probably have more readers i think it’s worth asking
is anyone good at animating stuff?
because i think it would be super sweet if my videos were animated
if you want to animate my videos I will split the glory with you
60/40
WHERE DO YOU EVEN EVER GET DEALS LIKE THAT
Also if I get an animator I will do a video retelling of the book of revelations
even though I usually only do those when people give me money

ANYWAY

So there’s this dude Cuchulainn right

you may remember him as the guy
who tied himself to a rock with his own intestines
rather than STOP MURDERING FOR EVEN A SECOND
well this myth takes place earlier in his life
back when he still had all his intestines in his body
see Cuchulainn wants to bang this chick Emer
so her dad
FORGAL THE WILY
is like shit I should check up on this guy who wants to bang my daughter
so he rolls on over to Cuchulainn’s pad
and hangs out for like ten minutes
to watch Cuchulainn win at EVERYTHING
like this dude is winning at JUMPING
and SWIMMING
and FISTS
and BAKING
and so Forgal is like shiiiiiit
if this guy marries my daughter he might win at SEXING as well
I can’t have that
luckily i’m Forgal the Wily not Forgal the Dumbass
I have a plan
HEY CUCHULAINN
and Cuchulainn is like WHAAAAAAT
and in the process he wins at yelling
and Forgal is like dude you know what you should do
go train with this incredibly deadly warrior maiden named Scathach
she lives on an island surrounded by a whole bunch of shit
that will definitely murder you
and then if that stuff doesn’t murder you probably she will murder you
and Cuchulainn is like PERFECT

so he sets out with his two homies
Laegaire Battle Winner
and Connall the Victorious
except both of them puss out almost immediately
and are like sorry dude gotta go uh
wash our beards
yes
which makes me think that these dudes got their sweet nicknames
by not actually BEING IN ANY FUCKING BATTLES
but Cuchulainn is world champion of not giving a fuck so it’s okay

so the first bullshit he has to deal with
is this bigass field full of razor sharp grass
that can like impale your feet and give you aids
guys this is either some kind of magic
or Cuchulainn is in the alleyway behind my apartment
but it’s ok because apparently instead of feet
Cuchulainn has DENSE CLUSTERS OF IMPENETRABLE MANHOOD
so i’m pretty sure the grass is actually afraid of what would happen
if it even dared to impale him

then he’s gotta go through a field with all these beasts in it
but he just grabs those fuckers
and stuffs them down each others’ throats
basically turning them into a huge turducken of murder
murducken
you’re welcome

BUT THAT IS NOT THE END OF THE STUPID BULLSHIT PARADE
because then there is this bridge
it is the shittiest bridge ever
WHY WOULD YOU EVEN BUILD A BRIDGE THAT GOES VERTICAL WHEN YOU TRY TO CROSS IT
THIS SEEMS TO ME TO DEFEAT THE PURPOSE OF BRIDGES
IF YOU HAVE A VERTICAL BRIDGE
THAT’S BASICALLY JUST
A SHITTY LADDER
but anyway Cuchulainn sees this fucking tilty bridge
and he is like no problem i can handle this
but it turns out nope
no he can’t handle this
he tries three times and comes back with thirty one flavors of failure
until finally he is like AAAA FUCK THIS
and SALMON LEAPS ACROSS THE BRIDGE IN A FURIOUS RAGE
I wish I could draw you a picture of this
because it’s basically the best thing ever in my mind

anyway finally he gets to Scathach’s place
and pretty much just threatens her with his sword until she’s like ok ok
i’ll train you
so she trains him and meanwhile he fucks her daughter
then she finishes training him
and is like hey you’re pretty great at warrior
how about you go beat the shit out of this friend of mine
i gave her this sweet spear a while back called the GAE BULGA
it’s basically this super barbed spear that like needlefucks your organs
you should steal it
and Cuchulainn is like HAHAHAHA YOU SAID GAE
but then he goes and beats the shit out of Scathach’s friend Aoife
although honestly
i dunno what kind of friend sics a dude like Cuchulainn on her friends
because after he’s done beating the shit out of Aoife
I guess he doesn’t feel victorious enough
so he rapes her
and then she gets pregnant
and she is like hey Cuchulainn what should we name our oh shit where’d you go
dammit what happened to my gae bulga
CUCHULAINNN

so naturally she is a little pissed off at this dude
so she proceeds to enact the most cockamamy revenge scheme possible
which is she puts a spell on her kid so he can’t say his name
or who his parents are
and then when he’s like 13 or whatever
Aoife is like hey go see your rapedad
so this kid shows up at his rapedad’s place
and Cuchulainn is like who the fuck are you
but the kid can’t say
you know
BECAUSE OF MAGIC
so Cuchulainn is like BITCH I ASKED YOU A QUESTION
and the kid still can’t say shit
and Cuchulainn is like I WILL TEACH YOU TO NOT ANSWER MY QUESTIONS
OR NO YOU KNOW WHAT
ACTUALLY I’LL JUST KILL YOU
so he does
but then it turns out he just killed his son
PRANKED
some scholars believe that Aoife was just really bad at planning revenge
but i prefer to think of this
as a really really late term abortion

so the moral of the story
is sometimes actions have consequences
but that only matters
if you’re not manly enough to KILL THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS

THE END

Happy birthday god dammit

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7

okay so this is the closest update day to your birthday
you
you know who you are
i am not going out of my way to make your birthday special
because i am a mean old bastard
and anyway i am in a bad mood today
because someone bet me i couldn’t go the whole time i’m in chicago
without using allcaps
so this blog is going to suffer heavily
only thing that could have been worse
is if they tried to get me to stop saying fuck

pee ess
now would be a good time to give me that other ten dollars
because i am in a city right now
with places to stay
and unlimited free internet
so i can actually upload videos this week
also i just spent like seven dollars on this cup of pink soup
and i have no idea what makes soup pink
i could die guys
i dont think i have health insurance

anyway here’s a myth about Cuchulainn again

so cuchulainn is still like 12 fucking years old
but apparently this goddess morrigan
who is the goddess of like
blood and awful shit
and tearing motherfuckers up
has heard of his deeds already
and is getting her ladyparts all slippery over them
so one day
cuchulainn is sleeping
when he hears this terrible awful noise
coming from the north
and he is like shit boys
saddle up my chariot
lets go see what that is

so he rides north for a bit
and he runs into this hot chick
with red hair
and a red cloak
and even red eyebrows
which saves cuchulainn having to ask
if the carpet matches the drapes
if you know what i mean
and i think you do

so cuchulainn is like who the hell are you
and she is like i am a chick
who is pretty hot
and who has heard of your deeds
i am here for your loving
and cuchulainn is like i am too busy murdering
go away
and this chick is like you know dude
i have been helping you win all those battles
and i will continue to help you
in exchange
for your young boy-loving
and if you turn me down
we will be enemies forever
and i will come and hinder you when you meet an opponent
who is a match for you

but cuchulainn is apparently a fucking idiot
and he is like bitch did you hear me
no means no
and he goes to smack her upside the head
but suddenly she is nowhere to be seen
and there is a raven sitting on a branch
looking at him like boy you done fucked up now
and suddenly he realizes he was talking to the goddess morrigan
and he is like shit
i done fucked up now

so anyway then he goes adventuring again
kills a ton of dudes
gets a ton of laid
and the very next day
he gets to this river
and he meets this dude Loch
and of course he is like come on dude
i am about to serve you up a hot heaping plate
of you getting killed by me right now
and lock is like psh yeah right
i won’t fight you
you don’t even have a beard
i only fight dudes with beards

so cuchulainn squats down by the roadside
and picks a bunch of berries
and crushes them up
and rubs them all over his face
to make it look like he has a wicked purple five o’clock shadow
and then he takes some grass
and sticks it to the berry juice
so he sets himself up
with the jankiest beard ever
(still better than my beard though now that i think of it)
and then he is like will you fight me now
and loch is like damn kid
how did you grow a beard so fast

so they start fighting
and true to her word
morrigan shows up to fuck with Cuhculainn’s shit
first she shows up as a big old red cow
and tries to knock him over
but cuchulainn just reaches over and breaks that cow’s leg
then she turns into an eel
and tries to trip him
but this is a stupid plan
because it puts her well within stomping range
so with a broken spine and a broken leg
morrigan becomes a wolf
and tries to maul the shit out of cuchulainn’s swording arm
but he is like fuck that
and pokes out her eye
then turns around
and murders Lock with his magic spear
the one with the thirty barbs
you know
the gae bolga
man that is such a funny goddamn name

anyway once he is finished like pissing on loch’s corpse
or ripping off his face
or skullfucking his kneecaps or something
cuchulainn continues across the river
and finds this old chick
milking a cow
and he’s like fuck i’m thirsty
can you give me a drink of that milk
and she is like sure
and she squirts some into his mouth
and he is like more
and she squirts some more
and then he is like more again
and she squirts more into his mouth and he is like ok
my thirst is quenched
that is enough cowpiss thank you
how can i ever repay you
and the woman turns to him
with a broken arm
and a broken spine
and a broken eye
and is like fix me the fuck up asshole
so then he heals her
for some reason
even though she has done nothing
other than try to coerce him into having sex with her
and then when that failed
try to make him die face down in a river
but anyway then he’s like are we even
and she’s like sure
and leaves

but then a few years later
on the way to some battle
cuchulainn sees these three old women
who are all morrigan
and they are like come eat this roast dog
which you are never supposed to eat
or you are prophecized to die
and cuchulainn is like are you sure guys
that sounds like a horrible idea
and they are like come onnn
and he is like ok
and eats it
and then goes ahead and gets killed in battle

but as soon as he realizes his is gonna die
he is like fuck this shit
i am going to die standing up
how is this possible
oh i know
i will tie myself to a rock with my own intestines
so he does that thing
and he dies
and no one is even sure he is dead
until morrigan turns into a raven and lands on his shoulder
and then everyone is like dear god finally

so the moral of the story
is if you find your mortal enemy on the side of the road
suffering from grevious wounds you inflicted
do not
i repeat
do not heal her
no matter how much free milk she offers you

the end.

Breathing Fire Does Not Pay

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2

GOOD NEWS FOR EVERYBODY
SOMEONE GAVE ME TEN DOLLARS
TEN MORE DOLLARS AND I RETELL GENESIS
GO FOR IT DUDES

Okay so Finn again right

now i realize
that in that last myth
i made finn out to be kind of an asshole
that is because
he was an asshole in that myth
but i figure i owe it to him
to tell you about how he became head of the Fianna

SO
first a bunch of random shit happens
like he gets born
and his dad gets murdered
and the sons of this dude Morna
who killed Finn’s dad
are trying to kill finn now
cause that’s what you do
so he hides for a bit
with two chicks
one is his mom i think
i dunno who the other on is

anyway they train him to be a great warrior
basically through child abuse
like they chase him around trees with a stick
and they throw him into the water without warning
and they put him in the middle of a field
with some rabbits
and say hey
don’t let these rabbits leave this field ok
so finn becomes a great hunter
like one time he throws a rock at a duck
and it cuts off the duck’s wings
what the fuck

anyway eventually he leaves with some poets
but then this dude murders all the poets
and leaves finn alive for some reason
then he goes home
but then he leaves again
and does a whole bunch of shit no one cares about
like beats some assholes in a swimming contest
and beats some dude at chess
and beats some guys at hunting
kills the dude who first wounded his father
and takes all his stuff
and goes to this coast where some poets are
and eats the fish of knowledge
instead of the dude who was supposed to eat it
so he gets a ton of knowledge
and then he goes to some well
also full of knowledge
and he starts to drink it
but then the chicks who own the well run out
like FUCK NO GET AWAY
and try to stop him
by THROWING A PITCHER OF WELL-WATER AT HIM
GREAT IDEA ASSHOLES
so then it gets in his mouth obviously and he gets more knowledge
and as a result
he writes a poem

god guys
that poem is so fucking long
it is difficult to accurately illustrate
how little of a shit
i give about that poem
pretty sure no one even gets murdered in it
although i can’t be sure
because i didn’t fucking read it
i got all the way to “here is another story
the blue goat gently nibbles on grass in the autumn sunlight of memory”
or some bullshit
anyway then interesting stuff happens

because Finn decides to show up
at this yearly conference
around Samhain
at his dad’s old kingdom
which is being run by those rascally sons of Morna
but see it is a special conference
where no one is allowed to have beef with anyone else

so he shows up
like hey remember that guy you killed
i’m his son though
don’t worry though
we aren’t allowed to have any beef
so i don’t
and then the sons of morna are like ok we’re cool
BY THE WAY
there is this dude terrorizing our town
which is called Teamhair
which just conjures a really gross mental image for me
but anyway
yeah
this dude shows up every year
on Samhain
his name is Aillen
what he does
is he plays music until everyone falls asleep
and then he breathes fire
on the town
and then he leaves
and then we have a year to rebuild the town
and he comes back and does it again
what the fuck right?
hey does anyone want to kill this guy?
seriously what an asshole

so apparently this conference
is also the pussnexus of the entirety of ireland
because no one wants to kill this firebreathing motherfucker
but then finn stands up like
what are you pussies
i’ll do it
and the sons of morna are like sure go nuts

so then this other guy
Fiacha
is like hey finn
you realize you’re fucked right
and finn is like yeah prolly
and fiacha is like what would you give me
if i brought you a magic spear
that will solve all your problems
and finn was like i dunno how much do you want
and fiacha is like a third of your loot from now on
plus a third of your friendship
and finn is like shit sure
i’m not using my friendship right now anyway
so fiacha gets him this spear

he is like here
have this weapon
when Aillen shows up
and starts making his sleepytimes music
just put the covering on the spear over your forehead
and it will protect you for some reason

so Finn goes out
and aillen shows up
and he starts doing his little snorefest symphony
and finn puts the spear cover on his forehead
so he is like
wired on caffeine or some shit
and then Aillen is like AWESOME EVERYONE IS ASLEEP
TIME TO BREATHE ALL THE FIRE
and he starts to do that
but then finn throws the spear through his heart
and then chops off his head just to be sure
and then he takes it
and puts it on a big spike in front of the castle
and after that i guess
everyone is so afraid of him
they elect him king of the Fianna
i guess king is something you can get elected to
i guess that makes sense
anyway then he gets to be king
and everything is great
until he gets drunk later and alienates his pals

so the moral of the story is
when life kills your dad
kill a mutant asshole with a magic spear
and i guess make … lemonade with his blood?

the end.

Reverse Daterape?

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4

Alright so
first of all you should give me money cuz i am poor
there’s that donation button over there
do you see it
i have to buy diesel and internet and sometimes food
and plus if you do
i just decided
i’ll totally retell the book of genesis

ANYWAY SO THERE’S THIS DUDE
FINN
he is the captain of this band of irishmen
called the Fianna
clever right
actually the first time i read it
i thought fianna was like
finn’s sister or some shit
but no
just his clan
anyway one day all of them are sitting by a river
and this chick pops out of the water
all like HEY FIANNA
HOWSABOUT ONE OF YOU COMES OVER HERE
AND TALKS TO ME

and she’s pretty hot
so this one dude Sciathbreac
of the speckled shield
god
i understand why this guy isn’t mentioned in more stories
anyway he goes up to her like
alright which one of us do you want to talk to
and she is like Finn please
and Sciathbreac is like jesus fuck why didn’t you just say that
i could have just not gotten up
and no one would have had to type out my name later
when this myth is retold

so then finn walks up to her like hey gorgeous
what’s good
and the chick is like first of all my name is Diareann
i know my name kind of looks like diarrhea
but don’t let that fool you
because I am not full of shit when i tell you
i am here to have sex with you
tons of it
all the time
and finn is like ok what’s the catch
and diareann is like well you gotta marry me
and be faithful to me
for ONE WHOLE YEAR
and then i get half your time after that

so finn is like HAH I KNEW THERE WAS A CATCH
NO WAY
NO FUCKING WAY
I HAVE TOO MUCH PENIS FOR THAT
SO SUCK IT
OR RATHER DON’T
BECAUSE I DON’T ACCEPT YOUR DEAL
YOU CAN STILL SUCK MY PENIS THOUGH I GUESS
JUST ON MY TERMS
NOT YOURS
BECAUSE I REFUSE THOSE
DO YOU UNDERSTAND

and diareann is like ok fine
here have this
and she takes out a cup
and pours it full of some kind of strong booze
and finn is like what the fuck is that
and she is like it is really potent mead
and finn is like fuck
i have a vow
that says any time
anyone offers me
ANYTHING
that you can use to PARTY
i must accept it
so he grabs that mead
and chugs it so hard
that like ten other dudes
all across ireland
suddenly find their cups empty

BUT SURPRISE SURPRISE
THAT MEAD WAS SPIKED
it was spiked
with ASSHOLE JUICE
not juice from an asshole
but juice that turns you into an asshole
so finn turns around
and just starts insulting all his friends
like
OY, SHITHANDS
WHY DONT YOU STOP SHITTING IN YOUR HANDS FOR A SECOND
AND TRY TO LIKE
WIN A BATTLE FOR ONCE
or
HEY PUSSNEXUS
DO YOU HAVE DICKS FOR HANDS
OR DO I HAVE TO FIND YOU ANOTHER EXCUSE
FOR COCKING UP ALL THE TIME
or
HEY ASSCLOWN
THIS IS NOT THE DIPSHIT CIRCUS
THIS IS AN ARMY
WHY DON’T YOU PACK UP YOUR FAILURE FESTIVAL
AND MOVE IT ON DOWN THE ROAD TO TOOLTOWN

so all his men are like
we dont have to stand for this
and one by one they just pack their shit
and head home
eventually leaving finn totally alone
except for some dude Caolite
who i guess just likes to be insulted or something
cause then what that dude does
is he runs after ALL THIRTEEN OF THE GUYS WHO LEFT
and is like guys come on
he’s just wasted
we all get wasted right
we’re irish
come on
and all the other guys are like ok fine
we’ll come back
as long as we get to murder some dudes later
and Caolite is like are you kidding
we are going to murder so many dudes
ALL the dudes
EVERY dude

so by the time Caolite is finished fixing all of finn’s problems
Finn is totally sobered up and apologetic
thus beginning a proud tradition
of getting drunk and causing problems
and then later some chick offers him a bunch of walnuts
but he is like NO THANK YOU
THOSE ARE DATERAPE WALNUTS
and in fact they are

so i guess he learned his lesson
which is don’t accept edible gifts
from chicks with agendas

the end.

There is no dude badder than Cuchulainn

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8

alright so

this chick asked me to do a celtic myth for her birthday
and i was drunk when i was reading her comment
and i thought her birthday was today
so i did a bunch of research
and then i realized she was born on the 6th
who the fuck is born on the 6th
that’s some bullshit
anyway now i have all this research
and nothing to do with it
so get ready for A SOLID WEEK OF CELTIC MYTHS

so okay Cuchulainn right
actually no wait i’m getting ahead of myself
when he was born he was called Setanta
he was popped out by some queen
who drank a fly that fell in her booze
only it wasn’t a fly it was this god Lugh the long-handed
if you know what i mean
(i dont fucking know what i mean)
and he was like CONGRATULATIONS ON SWALLOWING ME
YOU ARE NOW SWANS
and then later she got pregnant and had this kid setanta
ok
backstory complete

OH WAIT
NOT YET
I HAVE TO EXPLAIN HOW HE GOT THE NAME CUCHULAINN
EVEN THOUGH IT IS WAY HARDER TO SPELL AND SAY
so basically by the time setanta is about 4 years old
he is a ridiculous sex machine
and he is adventuring through the woods with some dudes
and he stays behind for some sex or loot or something
and the guys go ahead to some castle
and start partying
and they forget about him
and release their unstoppable dog to guard the castle
but then setanta shows up
and the dog is like HEY HEY HEY
and setanta stabs it to death in the face
and the king gets sad cause his dog is dead
but setanta says he’ll make him a new one
and the king is like AWESOME YOUR NAME IS CUCHULAINN NOW
IT MEANS MURDERHOUND OR SOMETHING

OKAY

NOW I CAN TELL YOU THIS STORY

so by now cuchulainn is what
8 years old
and he is fucking ALL of the bitches
every last one
and all his countrymen are like god dammit man
we need some of the bitches as well
this is not a one man show we got going on
you need to get married
and Cuchulainn is like fine
but ima get married to the hottest bitch of all
THIS CHICK EMER
DAUGHTER OF FORGAL THE WILY
WHO HAS LITERALLY THE BEST NAME

and so he goes to this chick
and he is like hey honey what’s up
i wanna rest my sword between your tits
if you know what i mean
and emer is like i know what you mean
and i can also see
that you are 8 fucking years old
what are you trying to get me thrown in jail
and cuchulainn is like look at my pecs
and emer is like those are some pretty nice pecs
but you don’t even have a beard dude
how am i supposed to love a guy who doesnt have a beard
oh i know
how about if you become a supergreat warrior
and murder several hundred guys
i will totally bone you
and cuchulainn is like sounds like a deal
and as a cherry on top
how about i don’t bone any hot bitches until i get back
and emer is like DEAL

i really dont know why cuchulainn made that last promise
because he is physically incapable
of keeping it in his pants
it is like his penis is some kind of unruly seamonster
or moray eel
telescoping out of its holster
and harpooning ladies left and right
for example this warrior queen Aoife
who he defeats
and then harpoons with his sea monster
and then takes her magic barbed harpoon
which is made
from the bones
OF A SEAMONSTER
see how this shit comes back together?

anyway then he goes and gets warrior training somewhere
montage montage montage OKAY
NOW HE’S BACK AT THE CASTLE WHERE EMER LIVES
but Forgath the wily is like NAH FUCK YOU
so cuchulainn SALMON-LEAPS OVER THE WALLS
MURDERS EVERYONE IN THE CITY
and then is like hey baby whats up
and he steals Emer
and then roams around the country side
killing the requisite number of dudes
to get emer to sleep with him
and then she does
and it’s awesome
and after that
they settle down
to celebrate Cuchulainns 12th birthday

this teaches us a valuable lesson
which is that statutory rape is okay
as long as you are statutorily raping a mass murderer

the end.