Hey I just ordered up a few more Large and Extra Large shirts
so if you wanted one of those and you were sad they sold out
stop being a pansy

ANYWAY

so there’s this peasant family right
they have this little baby boy
and when he is born he has this big ol’ funky bag of wombskin all over his face
and everyone is like OH MY GOD IT IS AN OMEN OF GREAT LUCK
IT MEANS HE IS GOING TO MARRY THE KING’S DAUGHTER FOR SOME REASON

so obviously the king hears about this shit
and he’s like fuck that
ain’t no funky wombsack kid gonna marry MY daughter
she’s only a baby right now
but they say it’s never too early to start murdering potential suitors

so the king disguises himself and goes to the peasant family
and he’s like yo i heard you got baby
wanna hook a brother up?
and the baby’s parents are like uh no
that’s weird
and the king is like i’ll give you fifty bucks for that baby
and the parents are like WELL HE’S BLESSED WITH GOOD LUCK SO HE’LL BE FINE
and they sell their infant to the king
who immediately turns around and throws the baby in the water

but here’s the problem
before the king puts the baby in the water
he seals him in an AIRTIGHT FUCKING BOX
if you are trying to drown a baby
this is not the way to do it my friends
because then what happens is some miller fishes the box out of the river
like OH SWEET SOME TREASURE
but then nope
it’s a baby
and he’s like aww fuck
i bet my wife is gonna make me keep it, too
so he brings it to his wife and sure enough they get stuck raising the little fucker

CUT TO FOURTEEN YEARS LATER
the king is doing his whole disguise himself and show up at peoples’ houses schtick
and he ends up at the miller’s house
and the king is like that’s a mighty fine looking son you got there
and the miller is like oh well actually we just found this dude in the river
isn’t he great?
why, he’s practically old enough to MARRY THE KING’S DAUGHTER
and the king is like WHAT
fuck that
hey kid can you deliver a letter to the queen for me
nothing important
just a little note reminding her to execute whoever brings her the letter
and the kid is like sure whatever
and he takes the letter
and just starts walking

so it gets late and he ends up at this house
and the old lady in the house is like DUDE GET OUT OF HERE THIEVES LIVE HERE
and the kid is like i ain’t afraid of no ghosts
or thieves either
fuck it i’m just gonna sleep on your couch
so he does
and the thieves come home
and they’re like WHO THE FUCK IS THIS GUY
and the gramma is like he’s just some kid with a letter for the queen
and the thieves are like LET’S SEE WHAT IT IS
and they end up feeling pretty bad
and just writing a new letter to replace the old one
and instead of saying that the queen should kill the kid
the new letter says that the queen should MARRY HER DAUGHTER to the kid

so in the morning the kid takes the letter and goes to the queen’s place
and he’s like yo i have a letter for your face
and the queen reads it
and WHABAM
marries her daughter to the kid almost instantaneously
she’s like daughter are you cool with this?
and the princess is like whatever he’s pretty hot

so a week or so later the king comes home
to find the kid not dead at all
and in fact MARRIED TO HIS FUCKING DAUGHTER
AS PER PROPHECY
and he’s like holy fuckpuddles
wife can you not read or something?
and the queen is like dude this is the letter you sent me
and the king is like what?
look at this
the seal is broken
this isn’t even my fucking handwriting
woman are you high?
and the queen is like pretty much yeah

but the king is not gonna take this shit sitting down
i mean that is how you take most shits
but not this one apparently
because he goes over to the kid and he’s like yo
you can only stay married to my daughter
if you bring me THREE GOLDEN HAIRS FROM THE DEVIL’S HEAD
HAHAHAHA
and instead of being like “no dude that’s completely unreasonable”
the kid is like sure whatever
i ain’t afraid of no devils
and he just goes and does it

but see on the way to hell
which is apparently walking distance from this castle by the way
the kid ends up at a bunch of fucking cities
the first one has a guard who’s like HEY DUDE WHAT DO YOU KNOW
and the kid is like uh
EVERYTHING
and the guard is like oh yeah?
well we used to have a booze fountain in the middle of the town
and now it doesn’t even shoot out wine coolers
what gives?
and the kid is like i’ll totally tell you
but i’m kind of in a rush to get to hell right now so i’ll get you on the way back k?

so then he gets to the SECOND city
which is not chicago
or an improv group IN chicago
it is a different place
and the guard is like YO DUDE WHAT DO YOU KNOW
(this is apparently a common question in these parts)
and the kid is like uh
EVERYTHING
and the guard is like ok well see we used to have this tree with golden apples
but now it doesn’t even grow regular apples
or leaves actually
it’s pretty much just a gnarly forked dong coming out of the ground
what gives?
and the kid is like i’ll totally tell you when i get back

so then he gets to this river
and the ferryman is like YO DUDE WHAT DO YOU KNOW
and the kid is like EVERYTHING
and the ferryman is like HOW DO I GET A FUCKING VACATION FROM THIS SHITTY BOAT JOB
and the kid is like I’LL TELL YOU LATER DUDE I PROMISE

so finally he gets to hell
and instead of meeting satan straight away
he manages to run into satan’s GRANDMA
and the grandma is like yo kid
you realize that this is hell right?
and the kid is like whatever
i need some devil hair or i ain’t never getting laid
and the grandma is like well as satan’s grandmother i can sympathize
here
let me turn you into an ant and i will totally get those hairs for you
and the kid is like oh also could you ask him to answer these 3 questions i have?
i kind of pretended to have infinite knowledge
and i don’t wanna look like an asshole
even though i really kind of am
and the gramma is like oh sure

so the kid gets turned into an ant
and climbs into gramma’s skirt
and then satan comes home like HEY GRAMMA WHAT’S UP
LEMME FALL ASLEEP IN YOUR LAP REAL QUICK
and so he does
and then the grandma immediately pulls out one of his hairs
and he wakes up like OW WHAT THE FUCK LADY
and the grandma is like oh sorry i had a bad dream
that’s what happens when i have a bad dream
it was about why does the booze fountain in this one city not work?
and satan is like oh well because there’s a toad in it
kill the toad
free booze for everybody
now lemme go back to sleep

so as soon as he’s back asleep
gramma satan pulls ANOTHER hair out his head
and he wakes up like WOMAN WHAT THE FUCK
and gramma is like dude i am just having the worst dreams
this one was about why is that golden appletree in that one city broken?
and satan is like oh cause a mouse is gnawing on it
kill the mouse
no problem
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

so gramma mcasshole waits no more than three seconds
before she pulls out ANOTHER GODDAMN HAIR
and satan wakes up like WOMAN I’M BOUT TO BEAT YOU I DON’T GIVE A FUCK WHO YOU ARE
and Gramma is like shh honey
i just had another bad dream
why does that ferryman who lives by hear never get any vacations?
and satan is like oh
well he should just pass the pole off on some poor asshole who gets on the boat
PROBLEM SOLVED
boy your dreams sound less like dreams than like very specific questions
and gramma is like SHHH HONEY GO BACK TO SLEEP

so then the grandma turns the kid into a kid again
and gives him the hair
and then he leaves without even thanking her really
and heads home
and on the way he tells the ferryman what’s up
(AFTER waiting for him to boat him across the river)
and he tells the city dudes what’s wrong with their stuff
and in exchange those city dudes give him ASSLOADS OF GOLD
literally
gold loaded onto the backs of multiple asses
see what i did there
it was totally unintentional actually
and then he gets back to the kingdom like hey king i brought you some gold hairs
also GOLD
and the king is like WHAT
GOLD
WHERE
and the kid is like oh you know
on the other side of this river next to hell
you gotta get the ferryman to take you across and then it’s gold city
and the king is like WOOOO GOLDTIMES AHOY
and he gets to the river and he’s like YO FERRYMAN
TIME TO SET SAIL ON THE SS GOLDBOAT AMIRITE
and the ferryman is like sure
and the king gets on the boat
and then the ferryman just fucking gives him the pole and he’s like good luck asshole
i’m off to go never do this again
and then the king ends up being a ferryman forever
because apparently he cannot figure out the simple process
of handing a pole to another human being

so the moral of the story
is satan gives pretty good gardening advice
so next time you plant a tree
try to maybe sacrifice a goat or something

THE END.

I learned this myth by reading someone’s shirt
or actually I had him read his shirt for me
because it was in polish and I don’t read CRAZY PEOPLE LANGUAGE
or polish for that matter

okay so there’s a dragon right

of COURSE there’s a dragon
because this is a fairytale
and I am gonna let you know right away
there are no princesses
or witches
or stepsisters or princes
so there’s GOT to be dragons otherwise who gives a shit?
but yeah this dragon is pretty great at its job
fricaseeing the townsfolk
barbecuing the sheep
flambeeing the houses
and what’s more
knights are coming from all over the place trying to kill it
and just straight failing
like they are all just boxcars on the failure express
running with maximum efficiency
next stop:
gettin-killed-by-dragons station
please no smoking, eating or gambling on the train
oh wait
it doesn’t mater
you’re dead
a dragon killed you

so yeah that is the situation
when one day this fucking shoemaker shows up out of nowhere
he goes up to the king and he’s like yo
what will you give me if I kill this dragon
and the king is like uh
how about my kingdom
sound good?
and the shoemaker is like well you are pretty shitty at bargaining
but yes that sounds fine

so what the shoemaker does
is he kills a sheep
and everyone’s like whoa what the fuck dude
that seems like the kind of thing the dragon does all the time
wait a second are you a dragon
and the shoemaker is like guys guys chill out
let me just skin this sheep real quick

so he skins the sheep
and then he fills the skin with PURE SULPHUR
i have no idea where he gets it but he has tons
and then he sews the skin all the way up
making this amazing sulphur stuffed fake sheep delicacy
and then he takes that sheep and chucks it in front of the dragon’s cave
and the dragon is like MM A SHEEP DON’T MIND IF I DO
CHOMP
and he eats that whole fucking terrible sulfur snack
and it makes him SOOOOOOO THIRSTY
that he has to run to the river and start drinking a ton of fucking water
now here is what i don’t understand
sulphur to me sounds like exactly the kind of thing dragons would eat ALL THE TIME
and water sounds like the opposite of that
but i guess this is just some kind of crazy bizarro dragon
whatever
the point is that the dragon keeps drinking out of that river for like YEARS
which i imagine is pretty terrible for the townsfolk because i feel like they need that water
probably more than they needed their sheep and their houses even
but it turns out to be ok
because the dragon eventually drinks enough water that he EXPLODES
and the day is saved

so then the shoemaker hits up the king like yo
i killed the dragon
kingdom plz
and the king is like what?
no
HAHA WHO’S THE EXPERT BARGAINER NOW DIPSHIT
and the shoemaker is like man what the fuck
and then he goes back to making shoes I guess

so the moral of the story
is if someone hires you to kill a dragon
get the terms down in writing
kings are generally shitty people

THE END

Jeeze what is it with these myths and pitching me all these fucking softballs

it’s like I’m in a tee ball game
and the umpire comes waddling over to home plate
setting up softball after softball
for me to meteor kick into outerspace
where they explode into sick burns
incapacitating satellites and drawing dicks on the moon
first a whole story about talking sausage and now this asshole?
(thank you for your recommendation by the way Klent “Reaper” Bodangerous)

okay so this guy is named Ole Lukoie
you may know him as the sand man
except no
no that’s not what he is
because does the sandman roll into your room at ten PM
and start flicking sweet milk into your eyes?
no
you know who does that?
rapists
yeah this magic sleep juice cements the children’s eyes shut
so they can’t see him
i guess he doesn’t like to be seen
but it doesn’t stop there
because then Ole McCreepsauce comes up behind them
and BREATHES ON THE BACKS OF THEIR NECKS UNTIL THEIR HEADS GET HEAVY
honey did you check on little timmy?
oh yes dear
he’s fine
there’s just some guy crouching behind him
you know
breathing on his neck
BUT GUYS IT’S OKAY IT’S FINE
because
AND I QUOTE
“Ole loves children
he just wants them to be quiet.”
YOUR HONOR I SWEAR I JUST WANTED THE CHILDREN TO BE QUIET
SO WHAT IF I DECIDED TO ACHIEVE THAT BY FLINGING MILK IN THEIR EYES
AND THEN SENSUALLY BREATHING ON THEIR NECKS
THAT’S NOT A CRIME
actually I feel like it might be a crime
i feel like it is at least crime-esque

but anyway
why does Ole want the children to be quiet?
well to molest them
OBVIOUSLY
but also to tell them stories
better known as dreams
although actually he doesn’t so much tell the stories
as paint them on umbrellas and open those over children’s heads
wait isn’t it bad luck to open an umbrella inside?
well i guess he figures he’s going to jail anyway
but yeah he has 2 umbrellas
1 is full of beautiful pictures
those are dreams for good little children
and the other one has nothing in it at all
he opens that one over shitty kids and they sleep poorly and have no dreams
wait fuck that
that’s lame
errata: the second umbrella is full of nightmares
so but this particular story has to do with how Ole once stalked this one kid
named Hjalmar
for a whole fucking week
and gave him the craziest dreams every night
i feel like it would be cool to start with the tuesday dream
because it’s tuesday
but the tuesday dream is fucking boring so let’s do the monday one instead

okay so basically Hjalmar’s room turns into a bunch of trees
but then his desk starts FREAKING OUT
because there’s a writing tablet in there and it’s like AAAAAA
THERE’S SOME MATH ON ME AND IT’S WRONG
WRONG MATH WRONG MATH
and there’s a pencil all trying to fix the math but it’s too fucked up
there’s nothing that pencil can do
and then there’s a notebook in there too
and IT’S freaking out too
like AAA AAA AAA THE LETTERS INSIDE OF ME ARE SO SLOPPY
WHY ARE YOU SO SLOPPY YOU SLOPPY LETTERS
and the letters are like DUDE WE ARE TRYING AS HARD AS WE CAN
BUT WE SUCK SO BAD WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO
yeah that’s right
Hjalmar is such a worthless student
he actually causes PHYSICAL TORMENT to his school supplies
so Ole walks over to the letters like dudes
just straighten the fuck up
and the letters are like CAN’T
TOO WEAK
and Ole is like ok well then i guess you have to take medicine
i’ve got tons of medicine
and the letters are like AW SHIT NO WE’LL BE STRAIGHT WE PROMISE
and then they straighten up
and Ole spends the rest of the night making them run around the room
to make them strong so they stop sucking
and then Hjalmar wakes up in the morning but the letters are still miserable

so the moral of the story
is dumb kids have the best dreams
so i guess if you want to have the best dreams
you should hit yourself with a brick?

THE END.

(Hey you guys should check out this guy
he is like my soulmate but with philosophy)

But wow okay I just dug up some serious shit

so there’s this peasant and his wife right
and one day some rich bastard shows up at their house
like OH HO HO HELLO PEASANTS
LET ME DINE ON YOUR SIMPLE PEASANT FARE
I AM FEELING CONDESCENDING TODAY
and then while the peasant woman is preparing some potato dumplings
(which are really tasty by the way)
the rich dude and the husband go into the backyard to fuck around with trees
and the trees become a metaphor for how the rich dude is actually the peasants’ son
who was a huge asshole and ran away years ago
so that’s pretty surprising and everything

see it turns out that after the peasants’ piece of shit son ran away
he became mega rich
by STEALING
and he is actually pretty proud of this fact
in fact he’s strutting all the fuck over all these metaphor trees
like HEY GUYS LOOK AT ME
I AM THE MASTER THIEF
AINT NO THIEVES BETTER THAN ME NO SIR
and his dad is like yeah well
i mean you’re still a criminal
and then they go tell his mom and his mom is like well
that’s pretty disappointing
i mean like couldn’t you have been a doctor or something?
and the son is like NOPE
THIEF ALL THE WAY
and his mom is like well i guess whatever you do is okay with me
but if the local count finds out you’re the king of all thieves or whatever
he is going to get pretty mad and probably murder you
and this pompous ass is all like WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT
YOU KNOW HOW WE’RE GONNA SEE ABOUT THAT?
I AM GOING TO GO HIT UP THE COUNT’S CRIB TONIGHT AND I AM GOING TO TELL HIM WHATS UP
THEN WE’LL SEE WHO MURDERS WHO
ANSWER:
NO ONE
NO ONE IS GOING TO MURDER ANYONE
and his dad is like man for a master thief you sure yell a whole lot

so it gets to be evening
and the master thief decides it is time to go do needlessly dangerous things
so he shows up at the count’s place like yo
remember me?
I used to be your godson or whatever
guess what I am now
A FUCKING THIEF
THAT’S WHAT I AM
and the count is like oh shit
well i guess I better execute you then?
and the thief is like wait no
how about instead I prove to you how great i am at thieving
by stealing a bunch of shit from you
and the count is like tell me more
and the thief is like seriously dude
pick any three things you want me to steal
i will steal them no problem
harder the better
I get off on this shit
and the count is like hm ok
so challenge 1:
you gotta steal my favorite horse out of my stable
challenge 2:
you gotta steal my bedsheet out from under me AND the ring off my wife’s finger
and the thief is like well technically that is two things but i’ll let it slide
and the count is like okay
so then challenge 3:
steal the priest and the sextant out of the church
and the thief is like well i mean i’m the world’s greatest thief
that is more like kidnapping though
and the count is like SHUT UP YOU SAID I COULD PICK ANYTHING
and the thief is like alright whatever dude
gonna go make you look like an idiot now
peace

so he goes to his secret thief hidey hole
and he disguises himself as an old woman
and then he buys a huge keg of really legit wine
and he mixes it with some sleeping potion he just has lying around
and then he rolls up to the palace that night with the wine on his back
and he walks right up to the soldiers guarding the gate and he’s like hey guys
can i sit by your fire
and they’re like sure
what’s in your keg
and the thief is like oh nothing
just some REALLY LEGIT WINE
I’m selling it
do you want to buy some?
and the soldiers are like fuck yeah let’s get trashed
and they just start huffin’ and puffin’ up alcohol mountain
and meanwhile the thief just works his way further and further into the palace
playing the role of roving booze-merchant with like ALL THE SOLDIERS
until he gets to the stable
where there are three soldiers
one who is holding the bridle
one who is holding the neck or something
and one who is sitting on the fucking saddle
guys i think these soldiers were pretty drunk already
because here they are
it’s like 11PM
they’re hanging out in the stable
sitting on their boss’s favorite horse
probably dragging it around in a circle making train noises
but anyway the thief doesn’t have to try very hard to get them to drink the booze
and then they pass out
but he’s still got a problem
which is how is he going to get the horse away from them?
well he puts a rope in the hand of the guy who was holding the bridle
and he puts a bundle of hay under the arms of the guy who was holding the horse
and then he’s just left with the saddle guy
so what does he do?
okay pay close attention
he finds four ropes
he loops them through metal rings attached to the walls
he ties those ropes to the corners of the saddle
he then uses the ropes to SUSPEND THE SLEEPING SOLDIER IN THE CENTER OF THE ROOM
WHILE HE YANKS THE HORSE OUT FROM UNDER THE SADDLE
THAT IS SO LEGIT
TELL ME THAT IS NOT LEGIT
and then he wraps the horse’s hooves in rags so it doesn’t make any noise
but that’s not as hilarious to imagine so whatever

so yeah the next day he shows up with the horse like WHATS UP COUNT
and the count is like ONE
ONE CHALLENGE COMPLETE
AH AH AH
but you’ve still gotta do two more
and if you fuck up on either of those
I swear to god i will fucking kill you
and the thief is like ok fair enough

so that night he’s gotta steal the bedsheets right
but the count is not gonna make this easy for him
he decides to stay awake ALL NIGHT
waiting for the thief to come in through the window
and as soon as he sees him
he’s gonna shoot him
WITH A GUN
HOLY SHIT THIS IS A FAIRYTALE WHERE DID THEY GET GUNS?
and also his wife makes a really tight fist around her ring when she goes to sleep
but don’t worry guys
master thief has it covered
what he does is he goes over to the gallows
and he steals him a dead body
then he puts a ladder up against the count’s window
perches the dead body on his shoulders
and starts climbing the ladder
when he gets high enough that the dead body is in the window
BAM
the count shoots that dead asshole right in the head
totally desecrating his corpse
it’s okay though
that corpse was probably the corpse of a horrible criminal or something
like maybe a THIEF
but so when the dead body falls off his shoulders
the master thief jumps off the ladder and hides in some bushes
and the count comes to look out the window
sees the dead body
and then promptly goes to bury it
for what reason I am not sure
but anyway then the thief runs up the ladder into the Count’s room again
and he goes over to the count’s wife and he’s like hey this is your husband speaking
i just killed that thief guy
lemme use the bedsheet to bury him in
it will prevent a scandal somehow
also i am feeling generous
how about we bury him with your ring
after all I shot him in the head while he was trying to get it
might as well give it to him now that he’s dead
and the count’s wife is like HONEY YOU KNOW WHY I LOVE YOU?
IT IS BECAUSE OF ALL THE GREAT LOGIC YOU USE
and she gives him the sheet and the ring
and then he probably persuades her to have sex with him
and then he leaves
and then the real count comes back and he’s like hey honey
just finished burying the body
and the wife is like nothing is wrong at all i am going to go to sleep

so obviously everybody is pretty confused the next morning
when the ultimate thief shows up with the ring and the bedsheet
and surprisingly few bullet holes in his face
the count is seriously like HOLY SHITBALLS
ARE YOU A WIZARD?
well fuck I guess you get to try the third challenge now
at least for the third challenge you won’t be stealing anything that belongs to me
just some people who live around here
also we’ve now entirely moved away from things that are valuable to steal
into the wonderful world of random pointless crime
feeling pretty good about this
and the thief is like me too, godfather
time to fuck up some priests

so what the thief does at this point
is he shows up at the chapel with two bags
one bag is full of candles
the other bag is full of crabs
yep
big ol’ sack full of crabs
where did he get a bag full of crabs you ask?
duh
he stole them
he’s the ultimate thief
weren’t you listening
probably there is a seaworld nearby the castle that is very confused now
but so he walks into the chapel graveyard
with his sack full of candles and his sack full of crabs
sorry I can’t get over this sack full of crabs thing
so much fun to type
plus
it’s a sack full of fucking crabs
have you ever actually had a sack full of crabs
just a whole bag of crabs to do whatever you want with?
oh man i’d be like a kid in a candy shop
if all the candy was crabs
and it was in a burlap sack
so really i’d be more like a kid with a burlap sack full of crabs
BUT ANYWAY I’M TELLING A STORY HERE
so he takes all the crabs
and he melts the candles to their backs
and then he lights the candles and sets all the crabs free in the graveyard
and then he puts on a robe
and goes into the chapel
and starts ringing the bell and yelling HEY
HEY EVERYBODY
IT’S THE END OF THE FUCKING WORLD
THE DEAD ARE CRAWLING AROUND IN THE GRAVEYARD COLLECTING THEIR BONES
THE DEAD HAVE CHOSEN TO REPRESENT THEMSELVES AS CRABS WITH CANDLES ON THEM
DO NOT QUESTION THE DEAD
THE ONLY WAY INTO HEAVEN IS TO CLIMB INTO MY SACK
EVERYBODY CLIMB INTO MY SACK QUICK

so the priest and the sextant live really close to the church obviously
and because of that
they hear this nonsense first
but instead of rolling over and going back to sleep
they both wake up like OH SHIT THE END OF THE WORLD?
BETTER GO CHECK IT OUT
so they show up at the church
and they see all these lights moving around
and they go into the church and they’re like hm
seems like a pretty easy way to get to heaven
let’s crawl into this bag
so they do
and they’re like hm why does this bag smell like a bag full of crabs
and that is basically the extent of that brilliant plan
accomplished with some candles, a robe, and a bag of crabs
seriously this guy is like the macguyver of putting stupid people in bags

so then he proceeds to drag this lumpy bag of morons down the chapel steps
all like WE’RE CLIMBING THE STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN
and then he drags them outside through the crab infested graveyard
and through some puddles
all like THOSE ARE TOTALLY CLOUDS
and then finally he stuffs them in one of those dovecote things
which someone told me are basically just closets full of doves
and he’s like DO YOU HEAR THAT
THAT IS ALL THE ANGELS
I AM GOING TO GO AHEAD AND LOCK YOU IN HERE NOW
AND NOT OPEN THE BAG OR ANYTHING
THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION

so the next morning the thief shows up at the count’s place
and he’s like yo
you should check your closet full of doves
there are religious personages in there
and the count is like boy
how did I get to a point in my life where that sentence makes sense
well I guess you’re some kind of wizard
i’m guessing I probably wouldn’t be able to kill you if I tried
so go ahead and leave my territory or I’ll kill you
and the thief is like ok sounds fair
I’m totally the best though right?
and the count is like yes
you are the best
and the thief is like sweet
and then he leaves
and he never sees his family again
but that’s okay because they’re not very proud of him anyway

so the moral of the story is
i don’t care how good of a thief you are
you have nothing to gain by personally introducing yourself to law enforcement
what did you think they were going to give you a prize or something?

THE END.

Hey so there’s this chick who had a birthday right?
technically it was yesterday
especially in sweden where she lives
but i have not gone to sleep from her birthday day yet
so i guess that means I was partying so hard
that i arrived fashionably late
to her birthday party
in the WRONG COUNTRY
so yeah happy birthday, Titballista Bjonkersstein
here’s a story about dwarves
there are no gay dudes but you are just going to have to DEAL WITH THAT

Alright so there’s this woman right
like most people you find in fairytales
she is terrible at naming children
she names them snow white and rose red
because she has some rose bushes out front of her house that are those colors
maybe she got snow white from reading some fairytale about dwarves
who knows
either way
shitty at names
but unlike other fairytale moms
she does not die inexplicably in the first paragraph
so that’s a point in her favor

anyway this family is PAINFULLY happy
they live in a cottage in the woods
and they try set up some feeble distinction between snow white and rose red
but really they’re just a couple of fucking kids
running around causing a ruckus
or actually
causing no ruckus whatsoever
they are great kids
they aren’t assholes or starving or anything
SO ALRIGHT WHERE DOES THE STORY COME IN?

so one night it’s winter and everything
and they’re all hanging out by the fire being real familial and shit
when all of a sudden KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
HERE COMES THE DOOR POLICE MAKING NOISE ALL OVER YOUR DOOR
and so snow white goes to the door like WHO THE FUCK IS IT
and the dude outside is all A BEAR
A BEAR IS OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE
I AM THE BEAR IN CASE THAT WASN’T CLEAR
and they are kind of worried about letting a talking bear into their house
but this is one smooth talking bear so eventually they let him in
and he sits in front of the fire
and the two little girls proceed to repeatedly punch him in the head
and tug on his fur
until any normal bear would have eaten them and then shat in their mom’s lap
but this bear just sits there and takes it
because he’s a shitty bear who can’t stand the cold
I guess he lost his cave or something
but seriously what kind of bear needs to couchsurf through fucking hibernation

anyway this continues to happen ALL WINTER LONG
the bear keeps showing up
and the girls keep punching him in the head
and he gets to like the family and they get to like him
who knows why
but then winter’s over and he’s all PEACE DUDES SEE YOU NEXT WINTER MAYBE
I GOTTA GO GUARD MY CAVE FULL OF TREASURE AGAINST THE DWARVES
see in the winter the dwarves are all frozen into their evil dwarf burrows
but in the spring the burrows thaw out and they are free to come charging out
dick first
hucking shit into bags and fucking your valuables
WAIT NOW HOLD ON BEARPANTS MCGEE
YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU HAD A CAVE ALL ALONG?
A CAVE FULL OF FUCKING RUBIES?
AND YOU DECIDED TO CRASH AT SOME COTTAGE IN THE GODDAMN WOODS?
YOUR BEAR LICENSE IS HEREBY REVOKED

ok but anyway they’re all pretty sad but what are you gonna do
gotta keep those dwarfdicks off your diamond tiaras
or whatever
i mean what kind of treasure does a bear keep in a cave
i figure all the good shit gets scooped up by dragons
i feel like the main kind of treasure you find in a bear cave
is bear shit
okay this tangent is kind of getting away from me
lemme get back on track
ahem

so snow white and rose red get over the loss of their abusable animal pal
and they go out walking in the woods
and pretty soon they come across this dwarf
he has his mandatory dwarf beard stuck in a log and he is very frustrated
so he sees snow white and rose red and he’s like WELL WELL WELL
NO ONE TOLD ME HUSSY BRIGADE WAS MARCHING THIS WAY
AND ME RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PARADE ROUTE
HEY ASSCLOWNS HOW ABOUT FREEING MY BEARD FROM THIS TREE
I MEAN I’M STILL GOING TO HATE YOU AND MAYBE PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY:
SHUT THE FUCK UP
and Snow White and Rose Red are like SURE BUDDY NO PROBLEM
and they chop off the end of his beard and set him free
and he’s like YOU COLOSSAL COCK CACTI
THAT WAS MY GOIN’ OUT BEARD
RUINED BECAUSE OF YOUR FUCKERY
WELL I’LL JUST BE TAKING MY MASSIVE BAG OF RUBIES AND LEAVING
and then he disappears and they don’t even think that is weird or anything
remember they are fairytale people

so that would be fine
asshole dwarf
sack full of rubies
whatever
but then they are out fishing the next day and they run into the SAME FUCKING DWARF
he has failed at fishing so hard
his beard is tangled in his fishing line
and the fish is too manly for him
and it is basically going to beardslam him into the water and then drown him
but the girls save him by
YOU GUESSED IT
FURTHER RUINING HIS BEARD
so obviously this does not please the dwarf
his beard is just getting mutilated
he’s like LISTEN DICKSHITS
IF I WANTED A DE-BEARDENING I’D STICK MY HEAD IN A FUCKING WOOD CHIPPER
WHAT IS THIS SHIT
ARE YOU A FUCKING BARBERSHOP QUARTET
BECAUSE IF SO
WHERE IS THE FAT GUY AND THE REALLY TALL TENOR
WHERE ARE YOUR STRIPED SHIRTS
WHERE ARE YOUR WEIRD FLAT STRAW HATS AND YOUR HOOKED CANES
and the girls are like we are not a barbershop quartet
and the dwarf is like DAMN RIGHT
SO STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY FACEJACKET
and then he picks up ANOTHER huge bag of treasure
and he leaves

now you’d think that by this point
snow white and rose red would have gotten sick of helping this guy
they save his life and he basically just spews a thick mucous of insults
out of his scabby dwarf beard
and then picks up a bunch of rad treasure and disappears
you’d think that perhaps when they found the dwarf being mauled by an eagle
they might let him die and go looking for his sick riches
WELL IF YOU THOUGHT THAT THEN YOU THOUGHT WRONG
because see what you are forgetting
is that everyone in fairytales is either stupid or an asshole
there is nothing else
so yeah they see this eagle nonsense
and they manage to yank the dwarf out of its grasp
and the dwarf is like YOU SIPHYLITIC TWANKSHANKS
LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY JACKET
THIS IS MY GOLDFUCKING JACKET
THERE’S A GOLD RING ON THE FRONT OF IT AND YOU LINE IT UP WITH THE GOLD AND
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND
WHERE DO YOU GET OFF
RACING AROUND THE FOREST RUINING MY CAREFULLY ENGINEERED LOOK
DO I SHOW UP TO YOUR BARBERSHOP
SLAP THE COCKS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH
AND TEAR YOUR WEIRD STRIPED JACKET WHILE AN EAGLE TRIES TO MURDER YOU
DO I?
DOOOO IIIIII?
and the girls are like alright dude whatever
and they leave him where he is
and he gathers up all his jewels
but see he is that rarest of fairytale creatures:
a stupid asshole
actually those aren’t that rare
but anyway what he does is he just sits right down and starts counting his jewels
right there in the middle of eagle territory
and the girls come walking back home while he’s doing this
and they see all his fat loot
and he’s getting ready to let fly with some REALLY BRUTAL INSULTS
when WHOA SHIT HERE COMES THAT BEAR FROM EARLIER
and the dwarf is like uh hey bear buddy what’s good
look the way I see it
you could eat me
that would be okay except that i don’t shower and my beard is full of knives
OR
you can eat those two girls
they think they’re in a barbershop quartet or something
they’re fucking crazy
crazy DELICIOUS that is
and the bear is like fuck this and he kills the dwarf
and then BAM he turns into a HANDSOME PRINCE
OF COURSE
YOU MUST HAVE BEEN SHITTING YOURSELF WONDERING WHERE ALL THE PRINCES WENT
IT’S OKAY GUYS THEY WERE INSIDE THIS BEAR
so yeah he’s all thank you for saving me guys
that dwarf put a curse on me that made me into a bear
and the only thing that could lift the curse was if he died
good thing I’m a bear and killing things is basically what I do huh?
and then they are all rich for a long time
and they are happy forever because money makes you happy

so the moral of the story
is if you are going to curse someone
do not turn them into a FUCKING BEAR
that’s like putting someone in prison
but the prison is a GIANT ROBOT SUIT

THE END.
(also happy birthday)

Okay, Queens

this story has at least two of them
no wait
three I think
whatever
the point is the first queen is really shitty at weaving
for one thing
she does it outside in the snow during winter
for another thing
she stabs the shit out of her finger on the spindle and starts bleeding everywhere
jesus guys
these spindles are a goddamn public menace
but yeah she sees all this blood all over the goddamn snow
and she’s like I WANT MY KID TO LOOK LIKE THAT
so BAM
she suddenly has a baby and then dies
AMBUSH PREGNANCY

but it’s okay
because this baby is SUPER HOT
her name is snow white
i guess in honor of her dumb mom’s dumb decisions
but then it’s not okay
because snow white’s dad decides to marry some wretched piece of shit stepmother
OF COURSE
and this skank bank is apparently all about being super pretty
in fact she is so all about it that she has this fucked up mirror that can talk
and i guess keeps an eye on where all the hot chicks are at
so that every night she can stand in front of the mirror like YO
MIRROR MIRROR
MADE OF GLASS
WHO IS THE CHOICEST PIECE OF ASS
and the mirror is like
IT’S YOU OKAY
LEAVE ME ALONE
seriously the mirror does not manage to bust a single rhyme in this whole story
but so this goes on for quite a while
seven years actually
until one day the stepmother rolls in like
MIRROR MIRROR
IN MY ROOM
WHO HAS ALL THE VA VA VOOM
and the mirror is like
WELL I MEAN YOU’RE PRETTY HOT AND EVERYTHING
BUT I AM ACTUALLY KIND OF INTO YOUR SEVEN YEAR OLD STEPDAUGHTER
and the stepmother is like WHAT
STUPID PEDOPHILE MIRROR
NOW I GOTTA MURDER MY STEPDAUGHTER
but she doesn’t want to get blood all over her new manicure
so actually she hires an extremely unreliable woodcutter to do it
presumably because he has an axe already so that’s one less thing to think about

so the woodcutter takes snow white out into the woods
and then he’s like hold still let me murder you
and she’s like WAAH NO COME ON
and he’s like well you are pretty hot
how about i let you run away and get eaten by wolves instead
and snow white is like sounds good
and off she goes
and then while the woodcutter is standing there
a boar just comes charging out of fucking nowhere
and the wood guy proceeds to cut its fucking face off
then tear out its lungs and liver
SERIOUSLY I AM NOT MAKING THAT PART UP
THE WOODCUTTER: DEFINITELY THE BEST CHARACTER IN THIS CARNIVAL OF FAILURE

but so the woodcutter brings the lungs and liver back to the queen
all like here is some proof i killed that chick
and also that i am manly enough to rip out someone’s fucking lungs
and the queen is like MM LUNGS MY FAVORITE
and proceeds to STEW AND EAT THEM
THINKING THAT THEY ARE THE LUNGS OF A SEVEN YEAR OLD CHILD
WHAT THE FUCK LADY
JUST WHAT THE FUCK

meanwhile snow white is wandering through the woods
you know
starving to death
when all of a sudden she finds a house
which as we know
is ALWAYS A GOOD SIGN
so she runs inside
and she finds seven tiny plates on a tiny table
and seven tiny chairs
and seven tiny beds
so she’s like hm
i heard about that dumb bitch goldilocks
but these plates are way too small to belong to bears
whoever owns this house
i can totally take them
so she eats all the food
then sleeps in all the beds
and finally
once she’s 100% passed the fuck out
some dwarves show up
seven dwarves to be exact
and they are like what the fuck where is our food
why did we leave it out on the table when we were going to be out mining all day
why is there some chick sleeping in all our beds
maybe we should murder her
no wait she’s too hot to murder
fuck
i guess we’re all sleeping together tonight

so the dwarves all pile up in one bed while snow white sprawls over the rest of them
and then in the morning she wakes up like HOLY SHIT DWARVES
and the dwarves are like don’t make any sudden moves
we have pickaxes
the only reason we’re not fucking you to death right now is you are seven years old
also not made of gold
but we came up with a plan while we were spooning last night
which is how about you clean our house and make all our meals
and in exchange
uh
you can sleep here or whatever
and Snow White is like sounds great!
so that is what they do

but meanwhile
Bitchingstein don Crunk is back in her castle
yelling at her reflection
all like MIRROR MIRROR
OH SO SHINY
WHAT’S THE RANKING OF MY HINEY
and the mirror is like UH
PRETTY SURE WE ALREADY WENT OVER THIS
YOUR STEPDAUGHTER IS ACTUALLY STARTING TO FILL OUT
AND LET ME TELL YOU
WOW
and the queen is like AAAAAAAAAA NOW I GOTTA MURDER THAT HO AGAIN
so she comes up with a brilliant plan
which is to disguise herself as a poor person
and hike all the way to the dwarves’ place
(the mirror has gps by the way)
and then when the dwarves are out mining gold and then fucking it
she comes up to the door like OY
IS ANYONE IN THERE
I AM SELLING REALLY PRETTY CORSETS
and snow white is like CORSETS
SIGN ME UP
and she lets the queen in and the queen is like here
let me put this one on for you
and then she pulls it SO TIGHT that all snow white’s organs shoot into her brain
and she passes out
and the queen is like HAHAHAHA I WIN
and leaves
and then of course the dwarves come home and take off the corset and she’s fine
and they’re like hey so Snow White
you might want to stop opening the door to sketchy strangers
and Snow White is like yeah i guess you’re right

so MEANWHILE
Bitches Oshaugnessy is back at her castle
staring at her fucking skeezy stalker mirror
all like MIRROR MIRROR
SO LEGIT
DO I HAVE THE NICEST TITS?
and the mirror is like WELL
YOUR TITS ARE PRETTY NICE
BUT I AM REALLY A LOT MORE INTO THE TITS OF YOUR STEPDAUGHTER
I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO GO KILL HER
BUT I’M GLAD YOU DIDN’T
BECAUSE THEN WHO WOULD I STARE AT IN THE SHOWER
YOU?
PSH
YOU’RE OLD
and the queen is like FUCK EVERYTHING
I NEED TO KILL THAT LITTLE TWANK ONCE AND FOR ALL
so she comes up with the perfect plan:
make a poison comb
disguise herself as THE SAME OLD WOMAN
and then hike back to dwarfhaus

so she knocks on the door
and Snow White is like hey so i’m not really supposed to let you in anymore
and the queen is like yeah i understand that
but hey look at this shiny comb
and Snow White is like DO COME IN
COMB THE SHIT OUT OF MY HAIR
and then the queen combs Snow White’s hair and Snow White dies
BUT LUCKILY HERE COME THE DWARVES
they take the comb out of her hair
and she comes back to life
because apparently that is how poison works
and they’re like hey uh
Snow White?
remember how we suggested you might want to not let people into the house
because they might be trying to kill you?
remember how it already happened once
and it just happened again?
maybe you should try being just a little more careful?
and Snow White is like yeah yeah for sure no problem

MEANWHILE
back at the castle
the queen is in front of her mirror
doing her evening striptease/ego trip
MIRROR MIRROR
IN A FRAME
FOR WHOSE VAGINA DO MEN AIM
and the mirror is like IS THIS A TRICK QUESTION
LOOK I TOLD YOU
I’M INTO YOUR STEPDAUGHTER
EVERYONE IS INTO YOUR STEPDAUGHTER
SHE’S LIKE AT LEAST TWELVE NOW
TOTALLY BANGABLE
I WISH THIS MIRROR HAD A PENIS ON IT
I COULD HAVE SWORN YOU WERE TRYING TO KILL HER OR SOMETHING
WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT?
and the stepmother is like RRRRRRRR
IT’S PEANUT BUTTER MURDER TIME
and she goes into her evil laboratory
and she mixes up some ULTRAPOISON
and she uses it to make an ULTRAPOISONOUS APPLE
and then she dresses up as the SAME FUCKING HAG
and makes the SAME FUCKING TREK
to the SAME FUCKING HOUSE with Snow White in it

so she rolls up to the door
and Snow White is like no way jose
the dwarves said I’m definitely not supposed to let anybody inside
plus i think you already tried to murder me two times
or at least prank me
but if you were just trying to prank me those were not very good pranks
they were less like pranks and more like attempted murder
and the queen is like WELL I GUESS I’M GOING TO HAVE TO EAT THIS DELICIOUS APPLE
ALL
BY
MYSELF
and Snow White is like NO WAIT
GIVE ME HALF
and the queen is like SURE
but the trick is
SHE ONLY POISONED THAT HALF OF THE APPLE
so she eats her half and she’s fine
but snow white eats her half
LIKE AN IDIOT
and FUCKING DIES
AGAIN
at which point the queen runs back to her mirror
all like MIRROR MIRROR
I HAVE A GUN
TELL ME I’M THE FAIREST ONE
and the mirror is like SHIT MAN FINE
YOU’RE THE HOTTEST THING SINCE LAVA BURLESQUE
BE COOL BE COOL

so then the dwarves arrive like hey snow white do you have our dinner AWW MAN
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
AGAIN?
AGAIN WITH THIS SHIT?
BOY I GUESS THE PRETTY SUCKED THE SMART RIGHT OUT OF HER HEAD HUH?
I MEAN SERIOUSLY
HOW MANY TIMES DID WE WARN HER ABOUT THIS SHIT
HOW MANY TIMES?
NOW WHO THE FUCK IS GOING TO COOK US DINNER
COME ON BITCH WAKE UP
but it’s no use
she’s not waking up this time
she ate a poison apple
she is dead for real
so they decide they have to have a funeral
but at the same time
they also decide that she is too sexy to bury
so they make her a glass coffin
and they keep it above ground on top of a hill
presumably waiting for the sun to team up with some maggots and explode her body
but guess what
THAT NEVER HAPPENS
it never happens for so long that guess who shows up
TIME’S UP
A FUCKING PRINCE SHOWS UP
he’s just wandering through the woods
like princes do
when he’s like WHOA THERE
A PERFECTLY PRESERVED HOT CHICK IN A GLASS COFFIN
WHO’S BEEN READING MY FETISH NOTEBOOK?
and he rolls into the dwarves’ place like sup guys
can i take your sexy coffin lady?
and they’re like sure whatever
so he starts trying to drag the coffin away
but WHAT DO YOU KNOW
LOOKS LIKE HE IS SHITTY AT CARRYING THINGS
because he drops the coffin and it falls all over everything
glass explodes everywhere
everyone is bleeding and it’s great
it’s like one of those timeless comedy sequences
where they knock gramma’s ashes off the mantlepiece
only grandma’s ashes are a hot chick
but guess what guys
apparently this hilarious fall
manages to dislodge the apple core
which was apparently blocking Snow White’s windpipe FOR SEVERAL YEARS
wait hold on
was this apple even actually poisoned?
or was it just a regular apple
and the queen figured snow white was too dumb to eat it right?
jury’s still out
and nope
the prince does not wake snow white up by kissing her
he wakes her up by failing
but that doesn’t stop these two idiots from getting married
nor does it stop them from inviting snow white’s bitch of a stepmother to the wedding
and the stepmother gets the invitation
and she’s like should i go
it might be awkward
seeing as I tried to kill this chick four times
and one of those times I ACTUALLY SUCCEEDED
but whatever
a party’s a party
so she shows up
and everyone’s like SURPRISE
WE MADE YOU SOME SHOES OUT OF BURNING HOT IRON
PUT THEM ON AND DANCE UNTIL YOU DIE
and so that happens and everyone is very pleased with themselves forever

so the moral of the story
is if you are trying to kill someone
don’t mess around with this apple bullshit
use a knife
or i guess molten hot dance shoes

THE END

Okay so there’s this prince right

A PRINCE YOU SAY?
NO SHIT
yes my friends there is definitely a prince
and the way you can tell he is a prince
is that he is a total picky-as-fuck asshole brigade all rolled into a single dickweed burrito
see he is trying to find the perfect princess right
but he has a really weird definition of princess
whereas most people might define princess as
“daughter of a king”
this twank tank defines princess as
“any woman with a supernaturally oversensitive spine”
he is so intent on his mega retarded alternate dictionary that he devises a princess test
basically you gotta come in and take a nap in his house
but not just any nap
THE ULTIMATE NAP
by which i mean a nap on top of TWENTY FUCKING MATTRESSES
that is too many mattresses my friends
if I had that many mattresses I would not waste any time sleeping on them
i would build an impenetrable mattress fortress and NEVER SLEEP AGAIN
but anyway underneath this carnival of comfort
the prince places a SINGLE
FUCKING
PEA
and if the would-be princess doesn’t bitch about it in the morning
bam
no marriage
no you know what
that’t not brutal enough
and i’m sure you guys are gonna come rushing in with some alternate version where like
everyone gets face-raped by orangoutangs or the sun explodes and there’s incest
so fuck it
pre-emptive revision
if you don’t feel the pea you get fed to bears
so everyone is getting fed to bears left and right
limbs are flying all over the place
it’s great
when all of a sudden it starts raining
this is not important it is just so the next princess can make a dramatic entrance
all like KASLOOSH
I AM A TOTALLY LEGIT PRINCESS
I KNOW I AM KIND OF MOIST RIGHT NOW AND COVERED IN DEAD LEAVES
BUT I CLEAN UP REAL GOOD I PROMISE
PLEASE AT LEAST GIVE ME A PLACE TO CRASH FOR THE NIGHT BEFORE I GET FED TO BEARS
and the prince is like alright whatever
my bears are pretty hungry
get on the mattress pile
so she does
and then in the morning he’s like well how did you sleep
and the chick is like TERRIBLE
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU PUT IN MY BED
IT’S LIKE I WAS SLEEPING ON A GUN THAT SHOOTS EXPLODING JACKHAMMERS
WHAT KIND OF SHITTY HOST ARE YOU
YOU’RE A PRINCE RIGHT?
LIKE I HEARD YOU WERE A PRINCE
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS CAN’T YOU EVEN AFFORD TWENTY MATTRESSES THAT DON’T SUCK?
YOU’RE PATHETIC
YOU’RE WORSE THAN PATHETIC
IF SHIT COULD SHIT
YOU ARE WHAT IT WOULD SHIT ON
and the prince is like hooray let’s get married

so ladies
the moral of the story
is be a huge bitch all the time
riches await

THE END