okay so there’s this fucking guy right

his name is Cephalus and he is pretty legit
but as you will soon learn that does not stop gods from fucking him over
basically what happens is the goddess Aurora sees him and is like OH DAMN
LET ME PUT SEX ON YOU
VIA THE TIME-TESTED MEDIUM OF KIDNAPPING
so she steals him

but see the problem here
is that Cephalus has a wife
her name is procris
and she is favored by Diana
which is weird because Diana is the god of no sex forever
so i guess this is what you might call a sexless marriage
but anyway Procris totally gets sweet prizes from Artemis
like this magical dog that can run real fast and shit
and she gives it to her husband because SHE LOVES HIM SO MUCH
fuck man if I got a megafast dog i would keep that shit
she must really like this dude

but so yeah
when Aurora sees that Procris is giving away MAGIC SPEED DOGS to her husband
and also when she learns that Cephalus is totally not gonna bone her
she is like ok fine
you can go back to your shitty mortal wife
but i swear some day it’s gonna come back to bite you in the ass

so then one day it does
see there is this fox everyone hates
the gods put it there because they are dicks
and no dog can catch it
so they borrow cephalus’s dog
and it’s gonna catch it
except then the gods turn the dog and the fox into stone
because fuck it why not
and then later Procris hears that Cephalus is talking to himself
writing love poems to the fucking wind
and she freaks out because she thinks the wind is a person
and goes to spy on him
and because he is a great hunter he shoots her in the fucking face
and then she dies
and he’s like woman
the breeze is not a person what the hell is your problem
and everyone is sad forever

so the moral of the story
is before you get jealous of someone
look up their name in the dictionary
they might be an inanimate object
and inanimate objects are not worth getting shot over

the end

Ok so someone
and I honestly don’t know who it is
mailed me a brand new copy of Bulfinch’s Greek and Roman Mythology
who are you?
how did you get my address?
how did you get so awesome?
so yeah I’m gonna be telling a myth from that
in hopes of persuading this mystery benefactor not to stalk me to my house

So King Minos right?

you remember him no doubt
he’s the kind of dude who when his wife fucks a cow
responds by exiling the cow
imprisoning the baby in a labyrinth
then extorting the countryside into feeding his son LIVE HUMAN BEINGS for DECADES
so Minos is what we in the business call a serious motherfucker
although perhaps that title is better reserved for oedipus
whatever

so one day Minos runs out of dudes to wantonly destroy
so he’s like I know
how about I go wage war on this dude Nisus
he’s a king he probably has SOMETHING i can steal
so he rolls on over to Nisus’s crib
and he’s like yo man bout to take your kingdom
and Nisus is like HAHA JOKE’S ON YOU ASSHOLE
MY KINGDOM CAN NEVER FALL AS LONG AS I HAVE THIS SWEET PURPLE WEAVE IN MY HAIR
and Minos is like SERIOUSLY?
fuck
I was expecting a lot of things
but a magic purple hair extension was not one of them

so Minos proceeds to camp out in front of Nisus’s castle
and kill a bunch of dudes in the process
but see what he doesn’t know is that every day he is getting spied on
by this chick Scylla
who is Nisus’s daughter
she is chilling out in a tower overlooking Minos and his dudes
like DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN
I WANNA HIT THAT LIKE A METEOR MADE OF TITS
but HOW?!
he’s sort of besieging my city right now
man you know what?
fuck it
fuck my city
I need to get LAID

so what she does
is she sneaks into her dad’s room at night
and she cuts out his magic cranial accessory
and she runs out to Minos’s army like YO MINOS I HEARD YOU LIKED KINGDOMS
SO I SHAMELESSLY BETRAYED MY FATHER
WANNA BONE?
and Minos is like EWWWW
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
I DON’T WANNA GET WITH NO FATHER-BETRAYER
BOUT TO STAB YOU NOW BITCH HOW ABOUT THAT
still totally gonna take the kingdom though
and Scylla is like FUCK YOU I AIN’T GONNA GET STABBED
so she jumps into the water
and starts trying to hitch a ride home on one of Minos’s boats
but then her dad shows up
except it’s not her dad it’s an EAGLE that USED TO BE HER DAD
I guess his hairstyle was the only thing keeping him from being a bird?
anyway he swoops down and mauls the shit out of her
and then SHE turns into a bird
so I guess
zombie birds?

but so anyway the moral of the story
is before you betray your kingdom to get with someone
make sure you are at least marginally bonable in your own right
because even a free kingdom may not be enough
to make them overlook your butterface

THE END.

Are you ready to get your humor glands brutalized by Jason “Comedy Pugilist” Nelson? TOO LATE HERE HE COMES!

hey guys
this is not-Myth-Guy
since actual-myth-guy is moving to Chicago
here to tell you a story college taught me
about Socrates and a cave

So the story starts with Socrates telling a story
about how ignorant people are
and how smart he is in comparison.
Seriously, Socrates is all about the mental masturbation
throwing his philosophical horndog a bone
choking his thought monkey
squeezing his brooding worm
flying his meditative cloud 9
Okay so you get the point, Socrates like to talk
Just wanted to put that out there as it’s his thing

So the story starts in a dank ass-cave
dank as in grungy and unpleasant
not dank as in good like some people use it
There are people in this cave
chained to the cave walls as prisoners
so that they constantly have to face one wall of the cave
their arms, legs, and head face in one direction
Guys
this story isn’t going to make much more sense
just a warning
So these prisoners are the normal people of society in this allegory
Behind these prisoners is a big bon fire
never explained why
I guess it’s just to taunt the prisoners
Also behind the prisoners is a raised walkway
where people walk back and forth, carrying things on their head.
Now, who these people are that placed them here,
why the people are imprisoned,
and why people would spend their time walking back and forth
with “figures of men and animals” made of wood and stone,
I dunno
I guess I’d be bored too, looking after some prisoners staring at a wall

So the people, not having a whole lot to do with their time,
and I guess having been imprisoned like this since birth,
Watch the shadows being projected onto the wall they’re looking at
not knowing that they’re shadows
and rather beliving they are the real deal
and the echoes of the people walking on the raised walkway to be real sounds instead of echoes
They have their own little competitions over who can guess what sound/shape will be seen next
because what else are you going to do in this situation
play pokemon?
I don’t even know how these guys would learn how to talk
much less understand that Charizard is the best pokemon

So at some point, someone gets released from the shackels
No mention as to why
I think the guards got bored, and wanted to fuck around with this guy
So this guy, understandably, looks around after being unshackled
And doesn’t think the objects he sees are real, since he’d only seen shadows before
And is blinded by the fire when he looks at it
Like “What the fuck
why is that so bright
my eyes are exploding
I don’t even know what an explosion is
Fuck”
And the guards force him outside to the surface, into the sunlight
giggling like little school children
Because they’re massive dicks who are easily entertained by a blind man
wandering around aimlessly
Socrates never mentions who these guards are in this allegory
but I like to imagine it’s Socrates and his buddies
“enlightening” the poor people
Because see, the light is a metaphor for truth
because the truth is hidden from direct exposure to the general populace
and the truth hurts to look at
It’s like learning that Santa isn’t real
unless you haven’t found that out yet
in which case don’t read that last line
about how Santa isn’t real

So this guy on the surface is wandering around, looking into the shadows because that hurts less
understandably pissed about being “enlightened”
then he starts looking at reflections in the water
And he starts to understand what color is
and then at actual stuff
slowly realizing just how stupid he and the prisoners have been for not recognizing that the shadows aren’t real
until he finally decides to look directly at the sun
and he wonders “What’s that bright thing in the sky
that is currently melting my eyeballs?”
and decides that it is the “source of the seasons and the years”
(even though he shouldn’t know what a season or what a year is)
and basically is where truth comes from

So this guys is feeling all smart now
Like some college freshman out of Philosophy 101
And really wants to tell his cave buddies what is actually real
so he can have sex with the impressionable young college-age women
telling them about how it would maximize both of their utilities if they did it
Using words like “propiniquity” or “fecundity”
(By the way that doesn’t work)
Anyway he goes back to the cave
like “sup guys
Did you know that those things are shadows
and not real things?”
But instead of instantly getting bunny hunny
the people are like
“Oh really?
What’s that thing then?”
as they point to a shadow

Because the guy has been acclimated to the sunlight,
he can’t see worth shit in there
and so the chained people make fun of him and don’t believe him
thinking his eyes are broken
no poontang for the enlightened one

So this whole story is basically about how Socrates has seen the light
and anyone who doesn’t agree with him are just un-enlightened
making it that much harder to argue with him
How unexpected

So the moral of this story is
don’t bother looking at the light
because Socrates is always better than you
The End

If Jason has a website I don’t know about it. Or I forgot. But probably he just doesn’t have one.

Hey so real quick
gonna let you guys know what’s going to happen on this website over the next few days
today and Tuesday I am going to dig back into the metamorphoses
and tell some sweet greek myths because it’s been a while
and then starting on Thursday there is going to be a GUEST WEEK AND 2 DAYS
because i am moving to Chicago and it is had to move to chicago and write myths at the same time
this is something I have learned the hard way
trust me there is some really sweet shit queued up for that week and 2 days
BUT ANYWAY

so remember how apollo tried to bang that Daphne chick
and she turned into a tree forever rather than put out
like pretty much the ultimate cockblock?
yeah
that is not an isolated event
this kind of shit happens to Apollo ALL THE TIME
like so check it out

one time apollo is out with his boytoy Hyacinthus
they hunt all the time and hold each other’s animals and shit
they are having so much fun
they are having all the fun
no one else can have any fun because they are having it all
but so then one day
they’re out in the middle of the field
and they strip down and rub themselves with oil
and Apollo is like ALRIGHT NOW WE’RE GETTING SOMEWHERE
and Hyacinthus is like okay
now that we’re all oiled up
and Apollo is like YES YES DO GO ON
and Hyacinthus is like LET’S THROW SOME MOTHERFUCKING DISCUS
and Apollo is like oh
well okay sure
I guess that sounds fun

so Apollo goes first
he chucks his discus way the fuck into the sky
it mutilates the clouds and skullrapes some birds and devours some airplanes
basically it is a really good discus throw
and then it lands
and Hyacinthus is all like MY TURN MY TURN LEMME GO GET IT
and Apollo is like WAIT HOLD ON IT HASN’T STOPPED BOUNCING YET aww fuck
hey Hyacinthus wake up
get that discus out of your face
that is not where a discus belongs
haha okay great prank but prank time is over
you can stop bleeding all over everything and being dead now
GOD DAMMIT WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN

but then he gets his shit together
he’s like welp
it’s not my fault this kid was a dumbass
i guess the best bet is to solve this problem the way I solve all my romance problems
WITH BOTANY
HYACINTHUS
FROM NOW ON YOU ARE FLOWERS
YOUR PETALS ARE GOING TO SAY AI AI AI ALL OVER THEM
BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT MY BALLS ARE SCREAMING RIGHT NOW
SERIOUSLY MY JIZZPOUCHES ARE FUCKING CERULEAN
and that is where Hyacinths come from

so the moral of the story
is discus throwing is a terrible idea for a first date

The end.

Alright guys

I admit I was a little harsh on Thor
the fact of the matter is
I really don’t give two shits and a saggy fuck about accuracy
accuracy to the myths or to the comic book
still
thor?
TOTAL PUSSNEXUS

anyway speaking of accuracy
today’s greek myth will probably include some roman names
it will probably be inconsistent
I need you to prepare yourself for this
so that when it happens you do not accidentally shit yourselves with rage

HERE WE GO

so Hermes is flying around being a dick
when he notices that Apollo has decided to be a cow herder guy for a while
except he’s a really shitty cowherd
because he totally forgets about his cows while he sits around
busting sweet lyre solos
and the cows all wander off
so Hermes is like SWEET
FREE COWS
DUNNO WHAT I’M GONNA DO WITH THEM
BETTER STEAL THEM BEFORE I FIGURE IT OUT
so he just steals him some cows

but then he looks around and he’s like FUCK
some old dude named Battus saw the whole thing
so he runs over to Battus like hey dude
uh
free cow if you don’t tell anyone about this
and Battus is like SWEET
YOU GOT YOURSELF A DEAL
so then he leaves
and hermes is like hm
here’s a perfect opportunity to be an asshole
so he turns into some other dude
and he goes up to Battus like heyyyyy brooooo
got some cows stolen from me this morning
looking for those cows
do you know where I can find those cows?
I will give you TWO COWS
and Battus is like oh yeah they’re right over there
and Hermes is like GOTCHA ASSHOLE
and turns him into stone
BAM
that’ll teach him to respect peoples’ property!
except he can’t really respect any properties when he is MADE OF STONE now can he

but anyway then hermes flies away
presumably just leaving the cows there
and he goes straight to athens
where he sees some hot chicks praying to athena
and he’s like hm
it’s been many moons since I tapped the ol’ sex keg
VROOM VROOM HERE I GO
so he descends to earth in all his pimpest attire
got his fancyass robes
rod that puts people to sleep
finger combs his hair down a little
and he sets off to make sweet love to this chick he saw named Herse
but see there’s a problem
which is that whoever designed Herse’s house is an idiot
and in order to get to her bedroom
you have to walk through the bedroom of her sister Aglauros
which sounds more like the name of a lesser demon but hey
WHATEVER
so but anyway hermes walks in
radiating divine light and whatnot
and Aglauros is like who the fuck are you
and Hermes is like bitch I am motherfucking hermes
maybe you’ve heard of me
i am the messenger of the gods
i am here to deliver a message to your sister
if you know what I mean
and Aglauros is like i only let my sister get fucked
in exchange for BUNDLES OF GOLD
and Hermes is like what
fuck that I don’t pay for it
and he leaves

MEANWHILE
Minerva (that is Athena but with a fancier name)
is chilling up at her temple
and she sees this shit going down
and she is like FUCK this shit
first of all why is hermes trying to fuck one of my priestesses
SECOND OF ALL why is this Aglauros chick trying to SELL HER SISTER’S MEAT TUNNEL
GRRRRRRR
so she shows up at the house of this chick named Envy
who happens to be eating snakes
and she is like yo envy
go put a bunch of envy all up inside Aglauros
and Envy is like psh whatever fine
and she goes and does that
and then Aglauros wakes up and she’s like I ENVY MY SISTER SOOOOOO MUCHHHHHH
and then Hermes shows up and he’s all hey
back to fuck your sister again
i don’t mean to imply that I fucked her before
because I didn’t
i’m the messenger god but I am incapable of getting past some greedy bitch in pajamas
and Aglauros is like LESS TALK MORE GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE
and Hermes is like whoa there
you are getting dangerously close
to being a megatwat
oh shit i’m sorry i forgot to calibrate my twatometer
you crossed the twatline DAYYYS ago
sorry
carry on
and Aglauros is like I AM NOT MOVING FROM IN FRONT OF MY SISTER’S DOOR
and Hermes is like that sounds about right
and then he turns her to stone
and then he turns around
and FLIES BACK TO OLYMPUS
WAIT
HOLD ON
I THOUGHT YOU WERE TRYING TO GET YOUR DICK SUCKED HERMES
ISN’T THAT WHAT YOU WERE TRYING TO DO
WHERE DID THE PLAN BREAK DOWN
OR WAS THIS THE PLAN ALL ALONG
PRETEND TO TRY TO FUCK THIS CHICK’S SISTER SO SHE’D BE A BITCH SO YOU COULD STONE HER
I’M SO CONFUSED MY EYES ARE VOMITING
IS THIS WHAT CRYING IS?

anyway yeah then he shows up at olympus and zeus is like HERMES
THANK GODS YOU’RE HERE
HELP ME HAVE SEX WITH THIS CHICK I FOUND
but that’s a story for another time

so the moral of the story is
if any of your social interactions start to go sour
just turn everyone into stone
and it will look like you meant to do it

THE END.

Shirts almost done
I stabbed myself in the hand while whittling a stamp to do the back parts
I GAVE MY BLOOD FOR YOU

ok so anyway Bacchus right

he had some PR problems starting out
like how his dad Zeus had to hide him in his crotch while he was gestating
and how no one would believe he was a god until he actually TORE THEM APART
but at this point in the story he has put all that shit behind him
everyone pretty much agrees that he is a god
and that if he is not then it is probably safer to say he is
because everyone likes having their skin on their bodies

but WHAT’S THIS
i guess hera is still pissed off about zeus’s infidelity
but i mean she can’t really do anything to Zeus directly
because
you know what actually I have no idea
I guess there’s a code or something
anyway she figures the next best thing is fucking over Dionysis’s aunt Ino
his only surviving aunt
pretty sure Hera already killed all the others

so what she does is she goes down to hades
and Cerberus is all like ARF x3
and sisyphus and ixion and tantalus are all chilling out downt here
and so are the furies
so Hera goes over to the furies
who are busy COMBING LIVE SNAKES OUT OF THEIR HAIR
their hair is not made out of snakes it seems
rather
they just have hygiene problems
anyway Hera is like DRIVE INO CRAZY
and the fury conveniently named MADNESS is all yeah ok
and then she flies over to ino’s crib
where she is chilling with her husband and 2 beautiful kids
and she is all like SNAKES SNAKES SNAKES
like snakes are crawling all over her body
and then she puts snakes on them
and then i guess they just stand there while she smears all this other shit on them
like hemlock and blood and smurfberries or whatever
and then BIG SURPRISE
they are crazy

so the first thing Ino’s husband does
is he just snatches his son out of Ino’s arms
and FLINGS HIM TOP SPEED INTO A WALL
WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION STATUS
at which point Ino
who remember
is ALSO crazy
grabs her other kid
runs top speed out of her palace
and jumps off the nearest cliff
all like FUUUUUUCK THIIIIIISSSSSS

so but Venus kinda feels bad
because this is objectively shitty
so she’s like yo poseidon
remember when i just used to be some jizzfoam inside your kingdom?
i figure you owe me a favor because of that
so could you turn Ino and her kid into gods?
and Poseidon is like sure
but i’m gonna change their names and what they look like and everything
so really it’s just like i’m making some gods from scratch but whatever

but then Ino’s handmaidens don’t know this
they’re just standing on the cliff like FUCK
HERA MAYBE YOU TOOK YOUR ANGER A LITTLE TOO FAR HUH?
MAYBE YOU HAVE ANGER PROBLEMS?
and hera’s like I’LL TEACH YOU TO TELL ME I HAVE ANGER PROBLEMS
and she turns them to stone
yayyyyy

so the moral of the story
is just stay the FUCK away from Hera

THE END.

holy shit I can’t believe I haven’t done this one already

like seriously I searched through the archives a bunch of times
I even tried searching with all the words misspelled
but no
I haven’t done this one
SO LET’S DO THIS

okay so there’s basically a whole bunch of ages of humanity you don’t know about
the first one was the golden age
golden age is kind of a misnomer
it prolly should have been called
the age where there is milk and honey instead of water
and no wars and no judges or money or farming or whatever
but that name is pretty long i guess so they went with golden age
even though no one has any gold
that comes later
so then there’s the silver age
which happens after Zeus explodes his dad
and then there are seasons and shit
and prometheus makes all the dudes somehow
and it’s a total sausage fest but that’s ok because stuff is still pretty sweet
but oh shit
those silver age dudes have to go and fuck up
and bang all these nymphs they found
and make babies
and OH SHIT NOW IT’S BRONZE AGE TIME
YOU THOUGHT BRONZE AGE WAS A PERIOD OF HISTORY CHARACTERIZED BY THE USE OF BRONZE?
THINK AGAIN MOTHERFUCKERS
THE BRONZE AGE WAS THE AGE WHERE EVERYONE FUCKED EACH OTHER OVER AND SHAT SADNESS
actually the bronze age in history is pretty much like that too right?
but anyway that is NOT WHAT WE ARE TALKING ABOUT
and then pretty quick after that is the iron age
i don’t know what the real difference is other than i guess the iron age sucks more
again
nothing to do with history
but at this point zeus wakes up from a thousand year pansexual orgy and is like WHOA
FUCK YOU GUYS WHAT DID YOU DO
WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE WHAT ARE THEY DOING IN MY WORLD
man i really gotta stop drinking

so Zeus gets a breakfast burrito and sobers up a little bit
but i guess he doesn’t sober ALL THE WAY up
because the next thing he does is be like WELP
GUESS I BETTER FLOOD EVERYTHING
FLOODING:
highly recommended by gods EVERYWHERE
but then he sobers all the way up and he’s like OHHHH FUCKKKKK
WHERE DID ALL THE PEOPLE GO WHY IS THERE WATER EVERYWHERE
HEY POSEIDON?
and Poseidon is like yeah?
and Zeus is like DID I CALL YOU UP EARLIER AND TELL YOU TO HELP ME FLOOD EVERYTHING
and Poseidon is like yeah you sounded real pissed
and Zeus is like I WAS DRUNK BUDDY YOU GOTTA NOT LISTEN TO ME WHEN I DRUNK DIAL YOU
OKAY DAMAGE CONTROL
CAN WE FIX THIS?
and Poseidon is like well we can get rid of the water but like
the people are still gonna be dead
and Zeus is like oh yeah whatever
people?
psh
who needs people when I have WHORES
and Poseidon is like dude
those whores you’ve been sleeping with were totally people
and Zeus is like AW FUCK THIS IS TERRIBLE
ARE THERE ANY PEOPLE LEFT?
and Poseidon is like yeah there’s a couple over by that mountain over there
but they’re married
and they’re pretty virtuous or whatever
and Zeus is like AW BALLS
CAN WE MAKE MORE PEOPLE?
and Poseidon is like well i think people can make other people
should we go get them to fuck or something?
and Zeus is like hm
nah
I’m sure the Oracle at Delphi will take care of it
i’ve got a list of chicks I haven’t fucked yet and I wanna go check off a couple

SO CUT TO EARTH
those two people I mentioned? Their names are Deucalion and Pyrrha
and they are super virtuous like i said
and they’re hanging out on earth like oh shit
we are the last people
also everything is covered in mud
that certainly sucks
sooooo
should we fuck?
nah
let’s ask the oracle at Delphi about it
I’m sure she’ll handle the problem

so they go to the oracle and the oracle is like OKAY
HERE’S WHAT YOU DO
TAKE YOUR MOTHER’S BONES
THROW THAT SHIT FUCKING EVERYWHERE
and Pyrrha is like whoa
whoa now
what?
and the Oracle is like YOU HEARD ME BITCH
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT
I’M THE MOTHERFUCKING ORACLE
YOU CHOSE TO ASK ME THIS QUESTION KNOWING FULL WELL HOW YOUR GENITALS WORK
SO I GET TO SAY WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT AND YOU JUST GOTTA DEAL WITH IT

so Pyrrha is freaking the fuck out
cause she kind of liked her mom
plus where is she gonna find her bones
the world just flooded
they could be anywhere
and Deucalion is like whoa ok chill out
the Oracle couldn’t possibly have meant our actual mothers’ bones
it’s not like the Oracle constantly gives terrible advice
probably she meant our mother THE EARTH
and by bones she meant ROCKS
OF COURSE HOW COULD WE HAVE BEEN SO STUPID AS TO TAKE THE ORACLE AT HER WORD
so they start dancing around chucking rocks over their shoulders
and the rocks turn into people
the rocks the dude throws turn into dudes
and the chick’s rocks turn into chicks
and then the earth gets warmed up by the sun and has all these weird swampbabies
like this giant snake Apollo kills
but whatever at least humanity isn’t extinct

so the moral of the story is
don’t throw rocks
if you’re not ready to be a parent

THE END