alright before we begin
i just want to go on the record
and say that google adsense
is the closest you can get to a scam
without actually giving your money
to some kind of unscrupulous character
with very shiny hair
and too many briefcases
who maybe has like
a trenchcoat
and some watches in the trenchcoat
some watches and some knives
he can probably get you human organs he is so unscrupulous
seriously if you are starting a blog
and you are thinking hm
i want to generate some revenue
maybe i’ll try this google adsense business
do yourself a favor
and just go rub your head around inside an iron maiden for a few hours
you will make exactly the same amount of money i promise
and you’ll get some cool scars
like maybe one will look like a sweet racing stripe
for your FACE
which is more than google adsense has ever done for me
so go ahead assholes
cancel my account
come on i dare you
because honestly guys
i am too much of a pussy
to give up the 45 dollars you will never pay me
because you insist on only paying out 100 bucks at a time
because i cling to a vain belief that one day
ONE DAY
I will make the rest of the money
and laugh and laugh as i go to the bank and turn it all into pennies
and fill a kiddie pool with it
and dive into it like scrooge mcduck
laughing and cavorting
and injuring myself fatally

WOO TANGENT

ANYWAY

here i am again
come crawling back to greek mythology
after a long abstinence
like i’m in an abusive relationship
only my significant other
is a bunch of idiot children with superpowers
who just keep disappointing me
with their startlingly violent brand of immaturity
and i just keep crawling back because deep down
i know they love me
i know they love me

so there’s this guy Bellerophon right
he gets exiled for murdering a citizen of corinth
where he grew up
he murders this guy for basically no reason
but it’s ok
because he wanders around for a bit
until this dude king proteus absolves him of his guilt
and is like hey
come live in my kingdom Tiryns
we need more murderers in tiryns

so bellerophon is like sweet ok
and he goes and hangs out in tiryns
and he is there for like fifteen minutes
when Proteus’s wife Stheneboea is like hey sugar
how about murdering MY citizens
and by murdering i mean having sex with
and by citizens i mean vagina
and bellerophon is like what
what the fuck
no
gross
eww
who are you
what is wrong with you
and Stheneboea is like ok well fuck you too
hey proteus
hey husband proteus
guess what Bellerophon did
he tried to have sexual intercourse with me
he was totally coming onto me
but i was like NO WAY JOSE because i am good wife
and Proteus is like RRRR I WANT TO MURDER THAT GUY
BUT I CAN’T
CAUSE HE’S MY GUEST
HEY BELLEROPHON COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR
and Bellerophon is like sure dude what’s up
and proteus is like here
take this letter
deliver it to king Iobates of Lycia
nothing bad will happen
and Bellerophon is like i believe you no problem

so Bellerophon takes the letter to lycia
and since he is illiterate
(and in fact everyone is illiterate at this time in history
and i’m not even sure how Proteus wrote the letter)
he doesn’t read the letter and find out
that it says
DEAR IOBATES
DO YOU SEE THIS GUY HOLDING THIS LETTER
DO ME A SOLID
MURDER HIM
KISSES,
KING PROTEUS

so bellerophon gets to lycia
and he gives iobates the letter
and iobates reads it
and is like aw fuck you proteus
seriously?
you know i’m bound by the same laws of hospitality right
i can’t kill guests
and guess what
BELLEROPHON IS A GUEST

so instead of murdering Bellerophon
Iobates hooks him up with sweet feasts
for FOUR DAYS
this is like antimurder right here
but then after 4 days he has an idea
he is like hey Bellerophon
can you do me a solid
and Bellerophon is like sure
do you need me to deliver another letter
do you need me to eat more feasts
do you need me to murder your citizens
these are three areas in which i excel
and Iobates is like no no
how about instead
you kill THE CHIMAERA for me

now the chimaera
for those of you who dont know
is this big lion
that is also a snake
and also a goat
and breathes fire
and is directly related to both the hydra
AND cerberus
so it’s basically like you took one of those kid’s toys
with the little spinny sections with animals on them
that mix and match
and you picked the THREE MOST HORRIFYING SECTIONS
and you lined them up
and glued that shit in place
and then it became giant and it started breathing FIRE

now when iobates describes this thing
he does not sugarcoat it AT ALL
he is practically shitting himself with fear
as he describes this invincible beast
but see this is all part of his plan
because he knows
that bellerophon
will take any opportunity
to prove that he’s a big man
and predictably
Bellerophon is like psh
sounds like a piece of cake
I’ll DO IT
and iobates is like haha sucker
umm i mean GREAT! WONDERFUL!

so bellerophon gets down to the serious business
of figuring out how to kill this horrorbeast
and he does some research
and is like hm
well every time someone tries to attack it on foot
the chimera kills them
and one time a guy showed up on a horse
and the chimera shot the horse out from under him
and then killed him
so the solution must be
to not go on foot or on a horse
this leaves two options
by sea
or by air
but it would be really hard to get a boat into the chimera’s lair
because it is MILES AWAY FROM ANY COAST
so really there is only one option
TOTAL AERIAL ANNIHILATION

but instead of building a helicopter like I would have
he starts having these fancy prancy dreams
about riding nancy boy sky ponies
and then athena comes to him in a dream
all like HEY PRETTY SUNSHINE TAKE THIS GOLDEN PRETTY PONY BRIDLE
and bellerophon is like OH MAN IT IS SO PRETTY
I AM GOING TO BE THE PRETTIEST FUCKING PRINCESS
and he wakes up
and it’s like in nightmare on elm street
where he still has the golden bridle or whatever when he wakes up
man remember when johnny depp gets sucked into the bed
and then his blood all shoots at the ceiling
man that is fucking crazy shit
anyway yeah bellerophon wakes up and goes to a lake
and puts his nancy boy bridle on the fucking pegasus
which is actually a pretty badass horse
seeing as it flew out of medusa’s neck
when perseus chopped her head off
can you imagine that
that would be pretty fucking sweet to watch
how often do you get to see an acute case of HORSENECK

so yeah then he gets to ride a flying horse
but he still needs a weapon
so he just gets a spear
but then he’s like man this spear is not nearly clumsy enough
gods what should i do
and the gods are all like PUT A BIG CHUNK OF LEAD ON THE FRONT OF IT
and bellerophon is like dur ok
so he sticks a big old hunk of lead to the front of it
but it actually works out fine
cause then he goes and charges the chimera
and jams the lead into its throat
like a big rusty heavy toilet plunger
choking it hardcore
and then the chimera is like FUCK THIS
FIREBREATHING TIME
and it breathes fire
and all the lead melts and goes down its throat
and it dies of lead poisoning
bam
greatest monster ever
reduced to the level of a bunch of dead babies in the 90s

so Iobates hears about this
and is like FUCK
hey bellerophon
will you do me another favor
will you kill these incredibly dangerous
and deadly locals for me
and bellerophon is like sure
and he does it
because he has a fucking FLYING HORSE
so iobates is like how about some amazons
and bellerophon is like PEGASUS’D
and iobates is like how about i ambush you with some soldiers
and bellerophon is like DOUBLE PEGASUS’D
and iobates is like ok how about i give you half my kingdom
and my daughter
and bellerophon is like shit yeah

bellerophon is so pumped by his success
that he immediately flies back to king proteus
and is like hey Stheneboea
howsabout you and me go for a ride on my PEGASUS
and stheneboea is like sweet
this can’t possibly go wrong
and they go flying all the fuck everywhere
and then bellerophon is like PSYCHE
PUSHIN’ YA OFF THE HORSE BIIIIIITCH
THAT’LL TEACH YOU TO BE ATTRACTED TO ME

then he goes back to his kingdom
and becomes quickly convinced
that he is such hot shit
that he really ought to go chill on olympus
with all the gods and shit
so he gets on his horse
and points in the direction of olympus
and is like
giddy
the fuck
up

so pegasus is just cruisin’ through the sky
when the gods catch on to what’s happening
and are like aw hell no
we are having a totally private orgy
and bellerophon is not invited
so they send a gadfly
which is just a name for the most annoying fly possible
to go bite pegasus’ ass
and then pegasus bucks
and bellerophon
being a shitty horseman
falls off
and breaks all his limbs
and gets to wander the earth forever
cripped and friendless

so the moral of the story is
always wear a seatbelt

THE END

Wanna hear something gross?

so there’s this king Pandion
he’s the king of athens
(damn right kids
haven’t told a greek myth in a WHILE
fingers started to get kinda itchy)
and he’s really shitty at wars
which i guess isnt the worst thing to be shitty at
but still it means
that when athens goes to war
he has to hit up this other king Tereus
and be like yo Tereus
i hear you are the son of Ares
come win this war for me

so Tereus wins the war
pretty much with no problem at all
and Pandion is like oh damn
i guess i have to get you some kind of reward huh
and Tereus is like no shit

now Pandion has two daughters
Philomela and Procne
he had them with his wife Zeuxippe
who is also his aunt
talk about family efficiency
or you know
INCEST
so anyway Pandion does not give a three-legged fuck about his daughters
so he is like hey Tereus
do you like women
here
have my daughter Procne
go nuts

that last part might have been Pandion’s fatal mistake
because what tereus does
is he takes that instruction to go nuts pretty literally
see he marries Procne alright
and has a kid with her
Itys
and time passes and Procne starts to miss her sister
and Tereus is like well alright honey
lemme just go on back to athens
and bring your sister back for a visit

so he shows up in Athens all like
hey Pandion i know i already have one of your daughters
lemme borrow your other one for a quick second
and pandion is like i dunno
seems like that would give you a dangerous monopoly
over ALL MY DAUGHTERS
also i might need that one
what if I go to a wedding and forget to bring a gift
or i’m at a superbowl party
and they’re like pandion you forgot the spinach dip
and then i need to be like its cool you can have my daughter
Tereus you need to think about these things
being a king is hard
you need lots of daughters

but Tereus is like look dude i’m not asking for myself
your other daughter has been giving me no end of shit
about seeing her sister
so you’re gonna have to hook it up ok
because otherwise
i am not going to have any daughters of my own
get it
get it
and then he starts crying
like COME ON MAN LET MY WIFE SEE HER SISTER
SHE IS SO SAD
and Pandion is like ok i guess
here take my daughter Philomela

So Tereus starts going back home
to bring his wife’s sister
to see his wife
so they can catch up on old times

with me so far?
good

so Tereus takes philomela to a cottage in the forest and rapes her
he rapes her over and over
and when she complains
he cuts out her tongue
because PLOT TWIST
apparently he was madly in love with Philomela all along
i dont know about you guys
but the way i show my love
is always with a combination of rape and disfigurement
he actually cuts out her tongue
because she is really insistent on telling her sister
about this shit
and in the original poem it’s really really gross
like her tongue flops around on the floor for like
a solid minute
and then Tereus is like OH LOOK AT THE TIME
IT’S RAPE O’CLOCK AGAIN
oh man i just reread the myth
and it says around this point that Tereus is “warm for wenching”
which is either the best or wost euphemism
for RAPEHUNGRY
that i have ever seen

anyway then Tereus leaves Philomela in the woods
with a 24 hour guard around her house
and goes back to Procne
and Procne is like hey where’s my sister
and Tereus starts crying
he is expert at crying
and is like OH MAN I WENT ALL THE WAY TO ATHENS
AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW
YOUR SISTER WAS ALREADY DEAD
WHAT A TRAGEDY/COINCIDENCE
and Procne is like why do you smell like rape
and Tereus is like uh new cologne

so Procne goes into mourning for like a year
and meanwhile Philomela is busy in her little cottage
weaving a tapestry
that basically just says
HEY
HEY
TEREUS RAPED ME AND CUT OUT MY TONGUE
over and over
and when she gets done
she gives it to an old woman
and she uses SIGN LANGUAGE
to tell the woman to bring it to Procne

so procne gets the tapestry
and she reads it
and is like WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT
but she doesn’t say that out loud
only in her mind
because she is too full of grief
and also VENGEFULNESS
instead she waits for that special time of year
when all the women get to go out into the woods
to worship bacchus
i guess because bacchus is throwing a sweet party in the woods
and he doesnt want no sausagefest

anyway procne finds her sister’s cottage
and breaks her loose
and sneaks her back into the palace
and when they both get there they sit down like hm
Tereus is the ultimate wretched excuse for a human being
what can we do to teach him a lesson
and Procne is like OH I KNOW
FILICIDE
HEY ITYS
and itys comes bounding in
like hello mother what do you need
i will do anything for you because i love you so much
and Procne is like
STAND OVER HERE WHILE MY SISTER AND I STAB YOU TO DEATH
and Itys is like ok

so they stab him to death
and cut off his head
and make a pie
and Procne gives it to Tereus
and Tereus is like mm this tastes like my son
what’s in this
i want to share it with my son
bring him in ok
and Procne is like OH ITYYYYSSSS
and Philomela walks in holding his severed head like WHAT
it is just like if you have ever seen rocky horror picture show
that scene where frank n furter pulls off the tablecloth
and meatloaf is there under the table
with a big chunk cut out of him
gross
meatloaf used to be pretty good
but i saw him on american idol a couple years ago
and he sucks now

ANYWAY then Tereus is like oh shit I’ve been pranked
BITCH IMMA KILL YOU
and Procne and Philomela are like O NO YOU DONT
and the start running
and they run SO HARD
they turn into BIRDS
Procne turns into a nightengale
basically so she can be sad forever
and Philomela turns into a Sparrow
cuz sparrows are mute
and Tereus
not to be outdone
turns into a houpou
which is a bird which is constantly saying the greek word
for WHERE
WHERE
GOD DAMMIT WHERE

by the way guys
as far as i can tell from the internet
what i just did there was the first good retelling of that myth
since OVID
guys i dont think you realize how disappointing the internet is sometimes

anyway where was i
oh yeah the moral
man where do i fucking start
Pandion is an asshole for giving away all his daughters
and then Tereus is an asshole for raping them
and then even procne and philomela turn out to be assholes
when they KILL PROCNE’S SON AND FEED HIM TO HIS FATHER
so i guess the moral is
if you have to be like anyone in this story
be like Itys?
except then you get eaten by your dad

oh well can’t win em all

The end.

Thanks to tsuyoshikentsu. Mr. O’Brien will resume his postings next week.

So there’s this chick Clymene

and she would be totally unremarkable
except one day Helios, god of the sun
decides to pull a Zeus and just randomly knock her up and leave
so she has this kid Phaeton
and let me tell you
if you thought that guy icarus was dumb
you will not BELIEVE this kid
so he goes up to his mom and asks hey
I know this is an incredibly painful subject for you
but can you tell me who my dad is
and Clymene is like well
I don’t want to brag
but
your dad
is HELIOS
GOD OF THE SUN
and Phaeton is like no but really who mah dadday
and Clymene is like no but really it’s Helios
and Phaeton is like okay stop the bullshit now
and Clymene is like no for real it’s Helios
and Phaeton is like you are a liar
and Clymene is like well if you don’t believe me why don’t you go find him
you damned ungrateful child
and Phaeton is like fine
I will
and basically he does
like he is so intent on proving his mother wrong
that he seriously GOES TO HEAVEN
and goes and asks the sun god
but actually his mother is telling the truth
so Helios is like actually yes, I am your daddy
and Phaeton is all like PROVE IT
and Helios is like ARGH WHAT THE HELL KID
YOU KNOW WHAT
FINE
I WILL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO PROVE THIS
and Phaeton is like pinky swear?
and Helios is like fuck that mortal shit
I SWEAR ON THE RIVER STYX
and Phaeton is like SWEET I WANNA DRIVE THE CHARIOT
okay
brief time out here
the Greeks believed
that the sun was actually the chariot of the sun god
being driven across the sky every day
like he would have nothing better to do
but anyway this is the chariot Phaeton wants to drive
and Helios is all like uhhhhh
that will probably kill you son
(get it son)
and Phaeton says BUT YOU PROMISED
and Helios is like no but for real
the chariot is on fire
and the horses breathe fire
also they’re crazy
you would probably burn to a crisp
and Phaeton is like BUT YOU PROOOOMIIIIIISED
and Helios is like FINE JESUS
but here
let me rub you with oil that will stop you from burning
and Phaeton is all like great!
so the next day Phaeton gets all set to go on the chariot
and his dad is like this is a terrible idea
and Phaeton is like SCREW YOU DAD I DO WHAT I WANT
NOW GIDDYUP
and the fire-breathing horses are all like
this guy is a total wuss
except horses can’t talk, not even fire-breathing ones
but anyway they just totally fucking bolt
and Phaeton is like SHIIIIIiiiiIIiiIiiiIIIiiIiIiIT
(cause he’s moving right
anyway)
and hes not being burned but he can’t steer the damn chariot
and the chariot is the sun
so basically the sun goes way up high and Helios starts freezing his balls off
and is like GET THE FUCK DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW BOY
and Phaeton is like SHIIIIIIIiiiiIiIiiIiiIIIIiIIiiiiIIIT
but he manages to make the horses go lower
except now he’s TOO LOW
and he’s just fucking burning everything
and he flies over africa like SHIIIIIIiiiiiiIIiIIIIIiIIIIIiiIT
and he burns most of northern africa and that’s why it’s a desert
and he burns most of the africans and that’s why ethiopians are black
(anansi probably has something to say about that, but fuck him
this is a greek myth
anyway)
he just keeps burning shit and burning shit
and all the water starts to dry up
and even poseidon gets up and is like
BITCH
CUT THIS THE FUCK OUT
but it’s too hot for him to handle and he has to run
so finally zeus manages to look away from whatever chick he is currently boning
and is like WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON UP THERE
HELIOS
YOU BETTER NOT BE FUCKING AROUND
and then he looks and he sees it’s not Helios
and then he basically is like fuck this
and he takes a lightning bolt and shoots down the chariot
and Phaeton dies a horrible death
so naturally Helios is pretty upset about this
and he goes and he mourns for a few days
which would be fine for anyone else, but he’s not driving his chariot
bam
no sun
and finally the other gods are like FUCK dude
it’s just a kid
get over it
and Helios is like okay
and he goes back to doing his thing
but the fact of the matter is
none of this would have been a problem
if Clymene hadn’t known who Phaeton’s father was
thereby proving
if you knock some chick up
it is better that you don’t give her your name

the end

Thanks to Jesse:

THE FOUNDING OF ROME

I’m going to tell you a story about how we got Rome

it involves wolf tits
virgins
twins
and lots of bad dudes
and rape that might be kidnapping
but is probably rape
this being a Roman myth after all.

So here we are in ancient Alba
where a Vestal Virgin gets knocked up
this is a pretty big deal because virginity
is sacred to Vesta
the goddess of home and homefires and other homey type stuff
except maybe it’s not a problem that she’s knocked up
because apparently it was Mars
the god of fucking War
who did the deed
so maybe the virgin can be forgiven
because Mars is not the sensitive type
(there is some kind of hidden lesson in here
about how wars create cities
but let’s focus on the poor vestal virgin for a moment)

she gives birth to twins
Romulus and Remus
and their great-uncle realizes fuck
these kids are not quite human
and tells his servant to have them killed
we never hear about the mother after this
because in typical myth fashion
your parents usually only count if they are gods.

Anyway
maybe the servant wasn’t listening
or in any case didn’t feel like
fucking murdering these semi-divine twin babies
because the servant just leaves them near the river Tiber
which is flooding
sure
but you know myths
surely some magical animals will come by
and the babies will be just fine

AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW
they don’t die because
a she-wolf suckles them
a woodpecker feeds them
and a pig herder later adopts them maybe thinking
hey who couldn’t use some wolf suckled demigod twins
to help out with the old pig farm

Romulus and Remus grow up to be pretty awesome swineherds
and are actually pretty badass
despite growing up with uneducated swineherds
in fact they become the leaders
of all the swineherds
and other assorted bad dudes
who apparently all hang out in the Tiber Valley
because when you drink wolf milk
you are pretty badass
and everyone fucking knows it.

Not content with reigning over these Tiber Valley thugs
first the twins conquer their great-uncle’s kingdom as revenge
but say hey fuck that kingdom
we’re too badass to reign over someone else’s weak ass kingdom
so they decide to make their own kingdom
except Romulus picks one hill
and Remus picks another hill
and they are both pretty pissed off motherfuckers
who can’t agree
and I think you might know what is coming here

Remus goes hey Romulus
I saw six vultures which means my hill is pretty sweet
and Romulus goes well dumbass
too bad because I saw TWELVE VULTURES
meaning my hill is TWICE AS BADASS
Remus is like okay
and jumps over Romulus’s wall
but I guess wall jumping is a pretty big insult
back in pre-Rome
so Romulus fucking kills Remus over this
and continues on to build his badass city without his brother.

Except his city has a big problem
aside from being founded on murder
the problem is that everyone who lives there
is a bad dude
they are all brigands and thieves
runaway slaves and shepherds
(shepherds apparently are bad dudes in pre-Rome
not clear how their reputations got repaired so quickly
cause later on the Bible is pretty sweet on shepherds
but I digress)
what they don’t have is any ladies
at all
and so Romulus is like guys guys check it out
did you notice all the Sabines who live next door
they have some pretty hot ladies
let’s hold some games in town
and lure in all that sweet Sabine ass
because we sure could use some ladies
in this damn sausage factory
am I right or am I right
and all the pre-Rome dudes are like SIGN US UP
so they hold the games
the Sabines come to pre-Rome like sweet
heard there were some games here
and at Romulus’s signal
the infamous Rape of the Sabine Women happens
and the Sabine ladies are taken
by all the brigands and thieves and shepherds and such
and some stories try to say it wasn’t a rape
it was more like a kidnapping
but
Romans are the descendants
of Romulus’s bad dudes and the Sabine women
so you tell me
was it a little Stockholm syndrome after the kidnappings
or did something a little more violent occur
when all these brigands and thieves and swineherds
ran off with a passel of screaming ladies
after who knows how many years of no ladies at all
(god knows Roman mythology
is no litany of respectful sweet lovemaking)
and anyway
who knows what happened
because after a while the Sabine women
stood up to their Sabine relatives
to prevent the war of revenge
saying no no it’s cool
we’d rather stay in Rome with these guys
even with all the murder and rape going on
so they did
and that’s how we got Rome.

The moral of the story is if you are a murderous horny demigod
raised on the milk of fucking wolves
you are a badass motherfucker
not afraid of a little state-sponsored rape
to secure your timeless legacy
because no woman will ever again
walk down the streets of Rome
without being leered at
to this very day.

The end.