Ram Gets Rewarded for Failing

Alright so there’s this king Dashratha

he’s the king of some place in India
and he’s got three wives
but oh shit
looks like his wives are broken or something
because they aren’t producing any sons
so he’s like I KNOW
HOW ABOUT I SET MY VALUABLES ON FIRE UNTIL THE GODS GIVE ME SONS
and holy shit what do you know
halfway through this needless destruction of his sweet riches
some awesome genie or something jumps out of the fire like HEY
HERE’S SOME GRUEL
FEED IT TO YOUR WIVES
I SPIKED IT WITH FERTILITY DRUGS
ok listen up gods
you’re GODS right
why do you need to use gruel as an intermediary for your holy fucking miracles
couldn’t you just wombzap all these bitches into a breeding frenzy?
couldn’t you at least have put the drugs in something more appetizing than gruel?
APPARENTLY NOT
so anyway Dashratha feeds his wives all this gruel
and it is SUPER EFFECTIVE
it is so effective
that his three wives
produce FOUR SONS
THAT IS 1.3 SONS PER WIFE
TALK ABOUT VALUE
their names are Laxman
Shatrugan
Bharat
and RAM
which is the name my brother used to enter whenever he got an arcade high score
mine was ASS
anyway Ram is Dashratha’s favorite
basically because his name is the shortest and easiest to remember
and when you’ve already got three wives
ON TOP of having four sons
that starts to really be an issue

but ok so one day this asshole sage called Vishwamitra shows up to the kingdom
and he is like oy Dashratha grant me a wish
and Dashratha is like what do i look like a fucking genie?
and Vishwamitra is like no you look like a rad king
which is basically the same thing
and Dashratha is like ok what do you want
and Vishwamitra is like YOUR SON RAM
and Dashratha is like fuck shit WHAT
and Vishwamitra is like no hold on let me explain
see i’ve been trying to conduct these sacred rites in the woods
and Dashratha is like LET ME JUST STOP YOU RIGHT THERE
MY SON’S ANAL VIRGINITY IS NOT UP FOR GRABS MISTER
and Vishwamitra is like WILL YOU LET ME FINISH A FUCKING SENTENCE
look i’ve been trying to perform these rites
but every night a couple demons show up and kick over all my sacred vessels
shit in the holy water
that kind of thing
and i mean
i’m the greatest warrior of all time
but i promised the gods I wouldn’t use my awesome warrior powers
i guess because the gods are into people WASTING THEIR FUCKING LIVES
so instead i decided I’d just steal your fucking son
who is only sixteen if i recall
and make him do it
and Dashratha is like dude
that sounds RECKLESSLY IRRESPONSIBLE
and Vishwamitra is like HEY ASSHOLE YOU PROMISED YOU’D GRANT ME A WISH OK
and Dashratha is like holy shitbed this is terrible
because now he remembers this one time
when he was in the woods hunting
and he thought he heard an elephant
but it was actually someone’s SON
but unfortunately the way he learned that was by shooting the guy in the brain
and then that guy’s parents cursed him
and said that his own son was gonna die some day
and he was like haha joke’s on you assholes i don’t have any sons
BUT THEN HE HAD TO GO AHEAD AND PRAY TO THE GODS FOR SONS
MAN WAY TO DIG YOUR OWN GRAVE SHITWIT
but eventually he realizes that if he doesn’t give his son to this hermit
everyone is gonna think he’s an asshole
so he’s like sure fine dude whatever
why don’t you go ahead and take his younger brother Laxman while you’re at it
and the sage is like DON’T MIND IF I DO

so Laxman and Ram accompany Vishwamitra to his hermit cave
which is like the bat cave
except there are hermits hanging from the ceiling instead of bats
no wait that’s entirely wrong
it is kind of like the bat cave though
because it is CHOCK-A-BLOCK FULL OF SWEET WEAPONS
like seriously
if you gave human growth hormone to a swiss army knife
that happened to contain a miniature SPEAR, BOW, ARROW, TRIDENT AND BEAR
blew it up with a hand grenade
then collected the shrapnel and doused it in Merlin’s jizz
you’d get about the same array of ruthless badassery that is on display in this cave

now why the fuck does this hermit have all this shit?
because the gods gave them to him as a reward for his penitence
his penitence which includes NOT USING SWEET WEAPONS
that’s like if taking a vow of chastity entitled you to a lifetime supply of blowjobs
but i guess it works out because it means Laxman and Ram get to use them
because Vishwamitra is all about teaching them how to murder shit
so there’s a sweet kung fu montage of these dudes learning to use these weapons
and then finally Vishwamitra is like ok
now I want you guys to stand guard and kill those fucking prankster demons
when they show up to ruin this super important ritual i’m doing
and Ram and Laxman are totally jazzed about this
so they stay up for DAYS guarding this ritual
and finally on the last day these two demons show up
like HAHA WE ARE ABOUT TO PRANK THE SHIT OUT OF THIS SAGE
but Ram and Laxman are like HELL NO
and just shoot the first demon with a WIND MISSILE
so he flies 800 miles and then presumably dies
i don’t know what a wind missile is but it sounds sweet
and then they throw a disk of pure fire at the other one
simultaneously decapitating it and setting it on fire
and then Vishwamitra is like ok guys what the fuck
I spent like months teaching you how to use these sweet weapons
these sweet weapons that I have spent my WHOLE LIFE accumulating
and you just went ahead and used wind missiles and fire disks on them
come on guys that shit doesn’t even sound REAL
way to just shit all over my training
whatever we’re going on a road trip

so they go on a trip to this place called Mithila
where there is some king named Janak
and he has a daughter named Sita
i mean actually she’s not his real daughter
he just found her in a ditch
while he was working in the fields because his kingdom was so poor
and decided she must be a sign from heaven or something
and so he named her Sita
after the dirthole he found her in
Dirthole
what a lovely name
but yeah she’s SUPER bonable
SO bonable that Janak has seen fit to come up with a stupid test
which will determine who can marry and subsequently bang his daughter
what it is is he has a huge bow that like no one anywhere can handle
and if anyone manages to string it they will get to bang his daughter
so Ram and Laxman and Vishwamitra show up like hey king what’s good
can Ram try and fuck with your bow?
and Janak is like haha seriously
this kid is scrawnier than a cardboard box full of damp kittens
at which point Ram just grabs the bow and FUCKING BREAKS IT IN HALF
WHILE TRYING TO STRING IT
and Janak
instead of being like hey asshole you broke my bow
instant disqualification
is like hey asshole
good job
you get to bang my daughter
even though this is probably because the 100 billion other dudes who tried
seriously weakened the bow
so that works out inexplicably well for Ram

and thus the moral of the story
is that if you are going to get involved in any feats of strength
try to go last
it is a serious advantage

THE END.

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Holi is literally a murder festival

This one courtesy of a drunk guy i know
who wasn’t me
but was certainly talking to me

so you remember Vishnu?
he was the guy shooting blood out of his face that one time
i’m sorry i gave him kind of a bad rap before
he’s actually pretty legit
here’s why

so there’s this demon
HIRANYAKASHIPU
apparently when they were handing out names
this guy was too poor to buy a real one
and just picked up all the discarded syllables off the floor
and made this clusterfuck of a hero sandwich out of letters
anyway this demon
HIRANYAKASHIPU
spends a whole bunch of time doing penance
for nothing at all
or maybe for all the really bad shit he is planning on doing in the future
either way he finishes all this penance
and he hits up Brahma (the tithungry ultragod)
and is like can I get a boon
and Brahma is like well since you did all this penance
and you didn’t even do anything wrong
you have atoned so hard that you get SUPERPOWERS
so sure what do you want
and this demon
HIRANYAKASHIPU
is like ahem
i have rehearsed this
hold on

I want to not be killed
during the day or at night
in a house or outside a house
or on earth or in the sky
neither by man or by animal
he also says neither by astra nor shastra
but all i can find on the subject
suggests that a shastra is a code of laws or something
and i don’t even know what an astra is
so maybe he is worried about some kind of papercut?

so brahma is like sure dude
i mean
you realize
you could have just said “I want to never be killed”
that would have been a lot simpler
and probably a lot more foolproof
seriously dude this is some macbeth shit
you are just begging for someone to kill you on a technicality
and the demon
HIRANYAKASHIPU
is like i don’t even give a fuck I am declaring WAR ON YOU RIGHT NOW
SEEING AS I CANNOT BE KILLED EVER AT ALL
MY PLAN IS SO FOOLPROOF
FOOLS ARE JUST SLIDING OFF OF MY PLAN LIKE GREASED BUTTER OFF A DUCK
A DUCK THAT DEFLECTS BUTTER INSTEAD OF WATER
GREASED BUTTER
ANYWAY WARTIME

so then he goes around
terrorizing the shit out of 100% of everyone
and he is like guess what guys
i am hereby changing the name of every town
to murdertown
until all yall agree to stop worshipping gods
and start worshipping me
the demon
HIRANYAKASHIPU
and everyone is like what
how can we we worship you
we don’t even fully understand what your name is
and the demon
HIRANYAKASHIPU
is like oh look i just ate your chest and everyone is like ALL HAIL…
THIS GUY

but there is one dude who will not worship this cockblister
and it just happens to be HIS VERY OWN SON
PRAHLADA
see Prahlada is just all about lord Vishnu
(see i told you this story was going to be about Vishnu
you need to learn to trust me my friends)
and no matter how much murder his dad does,
Prahlada just does NOT
STOP
BELIEVING

so naturally this pisses mister HIRANYAKASHIPU off
and he is like son
there comes a time in every man’s life
where his father puts poison in his mouth
and then tramples him with elephants in a room full of hungry snakes
that time is now
good luck
and then six hours later he is like FUCKING DAMMIT HOW ARE YOU ALIVE
I mean hey son what’s up
i need you to go sit in this fire i am building for you
it is a very special birthday gift from me to you
and Prahlada is like it’s not my birthday
and Hiranyakashipu is like LOOKS LIKE CHRISTMAS CAME EARLY THIS YEAR
GET IN THE FUCKING FIRE
look your evil aunt Holika is already in there
not burning up or anything
it’s totally fine

of course what he neglects to mention
is that Holika is IMMUNE TO FIRE
as a result of another one of Brahma’s retarded boons
seriously this dude is just handing out boons
like oh thank you for the delivery pizza
geeze i don’t have any cash
do you accept boons
anyway Prahlada is like WHATEVER DAD
I’LL GET IN THE FIRE IF THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY
and he gets in that fire

so he’s sitting there in this fire with his evil asbestos aunt
and he is like hey vishnu
can you make me not catch on fire
and vishnu is like done
also as an added bonus
Holika is on fire now
I guess I gave you her fire resistance or something
whoops
hold on I’ll be there in a second don’t move

so then Vishnu shows up
only he’s not Vishnu
he is a dude with a LION HEAD
also claws
he is basically the minotaur
but with LIONS
holy shit
and he is like hey Hiranyakawhatever
I heard there was a potluck
so i brought some murder
but i didn’t make enough for everybody
just you basically

so then basically what he does
is he takes hiranyakashaka
and he forces him to sit in his lap
like some kind of hindu murdersanta
and vishnu’s lap
as you might have guessed
is neither heaven nor earth
and he is sitting on the front porch of the demon’s house
which is neither inside nor outside technically
also since he is a weird lion dude
he is neither man nor animal
and no one knows what ashtra or shastra is so that’s moot
also it is twilight
so there’s that

anyway then Hiranyakaboo is dead
and everybody celebrates by throwing paint at each other
this actually still happens in india

so the moral of the story
is next time you get a genie or a retarded boon
just wish for immortality
because you just cannot prepare
for crafty lion-dudes

The end.

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Okay now I understand bollywood

So shiva right

he’s a badass
but his main job
is to make sure kali
doesn’t get too shitfaced off all the blood she drinks
and destroy the world

like in that one story i already told you
where he lies in front of her on the battlefield
or this other time
when he turns into a baby
like WAH WAH TITS PLZ
and kali is overcome by MOTHERING INSTINCTS
but there is one particular instance
of shiva handling kali’s shit
that is particularly fantastic

ok so this story begins like all stories about kali:
kali just killed a bunch of dudes
probably demons
but really
who the fuck knows
anyway to celebrate
kali takes up residence in a nearby forest
with a bunch of her asshole friends
and starts terrorizing the countryside
stabbing the villagers
than stabbing their stab wounds
then stabbing the blood in their stab wounds
shit like that

so finally one of the villagers
who is sick of getting stabbed every day
and is also a follower of shiva
comes running up to shiva like
HEY SHIVA
CAN YOU HANDLE THIS SHIT FOR US
WE REALLY NEED THIS SHIT HANDLED OK
and shiva is like what shit
i am busy
and the dude is like KALI IS STABBING EVERYONE
SHE MIGHT DESTROY THE WORLD EVEN
WHO KNOWS
and shiva is like ok my schedule just cleared up

so shiva shows up in the forest
and kali is like HEY ASSHOLE
and shiva is like hey kali
we’ve talked about this
you need to stop stabbing all the time
and kali is like NEVER STOP STABBING
and shiva is like that is the opposite of what i said ok
and kali is like FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUU
and shiva is like alright this is going nowhere
how about this
we have a dance contest
and when i utterly hand you your shit in the contest
you agree to stop stabbing for a while?
and kali is like OH BITCH YOU ARE ABOUT TO GET SERVED

so they start dancing the fuck off against each other
busting moves
infused with the dopeness
these moves they are busting
guys
they are ludicrous moves
trust me
like remember the dance contest in pulp fiction?
this was nothing like that
John Travolta is shitty at doing the twist
this is way better

but finally
shiva busts out the ULTIMATE MOVE
the TANDAVA DANCE
which is just basically a super energetic dance
kali is so tired from stabbing i guess
that she cannot match his dance moves
and she reluctantly agrees
to stop murdering for a couple days
and go home

so the moral of the story is
all wars ever can be stopped
WITH THE POWER OF DANCE

The end

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Shiva drinks gallons of PCP

okay so guys
remember a couple days ago
when i said shiva seemed like a huge pussy?

guys
i retract the FUCK out of that statement

right now
i am sitting in my room
retracting my statement so hard
i am not going to shit for WEEKS

ANYWAY

the reason i am retracting my statement
is this story that happened one time

ok so there is this dude Brahma right
he is the creator of everything
so one day
he takes his mind
and makes a hot chick come out of it
this hot chick
is his daughter

but as soon as he pops out this brainbaby
brahma is like OH DAMN
I WANT TO DO THINGS TO THAT
THAT HAVEN’T EVEN BEEN INVENTED YET
GOOD THING I AM THE CREATOR
AND CAN INVENT THOSE THINGS RIGHT AWAY
and then he goes ahead and gives himself
THREE EXTRA HEADS
so he can check out his daughter from all angles
everywhere
forever
thus causing the world to get divided
into four directions
because the creator suddenly desires something
that is outside himself

okay so Brahma’s daughter gets wind
of all this exquisite voyeurism going down
and she gets pretty embarassed
and since she can’t stop being hot
she decides to stop being on earth instead
and she goes up to heaven

now brahma is like FUCK
I WANT TO CONTINUE TO LOOK AT TITS
BUT MY HEADS ONLY LOOK DOWN
LOOKS LIKE I NEED ANOTHER HEAD
see this is the thing about being the creator
you do not consider options such as
moving your neck
or
in extreme cases
physical therapy
maybe a neck massage
limber up those muscles
NO
you grow an extra fucking head
looking straight up
and then you send it shooting towards heaven
all like NOM NOM NOM TITSTIME

so at this point
brahma’s daugher is up in heaven
like fuck what am i going to do
about this encroaching molester head
and this is when Shiva steps up to the plate
like FUCK THIS SHIT
and chops off Brahma’s head
WITH HIS FUCKING THUMBNAIL
BAM

but instead of a hearty thank you
and maybe some victory poontang
shiva gets brahma’s gross skull stuck to his hand
and he is like AW FUCK
THIS IS MY JERKIN’ IT HAND
and he transforms into Bhairava
aka THE SHIVA OF ULTIMATE RAGE
and he is like WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO
I AM GOING TO WRECK SOME SHIT IS WHAT I AM GOING TO DO
and brahma is like oh no you are not son
you are going to get banished the fuck on out of here
is what you are going to do
and then you are going to roam around the land
as a mad beggar
until you get arbitrarily forgiven

so this is exactly what shiva does
until one day
he stumbles upon a group of sages
all sitting around praying the fuck out of themselves
and shiva rolls up
LIKE HEY HEY OOGA BOOGA CRAZY HOMELESS GUY HERE WHATS UP
and the sages are like what the fuck is this shit
and the sages’ wives are like OH MAN I WANNA TAP THAT
and they all go dance the crazy wango bango tango with Shiva
and the sages are like WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
and they send a tiger after shiva
and shiva responds
by TAKING OFF THE TIGER’S FUCKING SKIN
and wearing it as a skirt
and then the sages are like DOUBLEFUCK
and they send a poisonous snake after shiva
and shiva picks up the snake
and wears it as a fucking necklace
and the sages are like 3X FUCK COMBO
and they send an evil dwarf after shiva
that’s right
they have fuckable gold in india too guys
anyway shiva just sort of kicks the dwarf over
stands on his face
and takes his club

then he turns around like COME ON ALL YOU HOT BITCHES
FOLLOW ME INTO THE FOREST
so they do
and then shiva (aka bhairava remember)
goes to vishnu’s place
like hey vishnu lemme in
and vishnu’s bouncer is like who the fuck are you
and bhairava is like THE GUY WHO IS STABBING YOU TO DEATH WITH A TRIDENT BITCH
and then vishnu jumps out of the back room like OH SNAP
I WILL SHOOT BLOOD OUT OF MY FACE AT YOU UNTIL YOU GO AWAY
and bhairava fills brahma’s sticky skull with vishnu’s blood
like THANKS SUCKER
and then dances off into the forest
carrying the doorkeeper’s body and a fucking skull full of blood
he dances all the fuck over everywhere
until he gets to the holy city Varanasi
at which point he is pardoned for his crimes
and gets to go back to heaven

so i guess the moral of the story
is if you are ever indicted for murder
your best bet
is to do more murders
and then fill the skulls of your victims
with the blood from your other victims
and maybe stage an impromptu dance party
with some women you stole
and eventually people will realize you can’t be stopped
and you can go to heaven
seriously what the fuck is even happening in this myth

the end.

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Kali gets jiggy with it

So it has come to my attention
that one of the few mythoses
which i have not stuck my grubby appendages into
is the pantheon
of India
watch as I rectify that
HARD

so kali right

she is this badass trick alright
she is a chick
who wears a necklace of HUMAN HEADS
has four arms
with which to hold swords
and is the goddess of like
annihilation
and TIME ITSELF

but then
there is this other chick
Durga
who has TEN ARMS
and rides on LIONS
and is INVINCIBLE
and is always carrying like
weapons AND flowers
well ok i guess the flowers dont help much
but anyway
at the beginning of this myth
Durga is trying to kill the shit out of this demon
Raktabija
and raktabija is having none of it
actually he is having less than none of it
because every time durga cuts him
his blood goes flying everywhere
and turns into MORE OF HIM
so the only way to win in this situation
is NOT TO PLAY
and in fact really actually
even that wouldn’t work
because then raktabija would kill you
so Durga gets fed up with this bullshit
and she is like HEY KALI
and Kali comes shooting out of Durga’s forehead
all like WHAT
WHAT DO YOU NEED
ARE THERE THINGS FOR ME TO MURDER
and durga is like shit yes there are
how about these billion demons i just created
and kali is like THAT WILL DO NICELY

so then kali just drinks ALL of raktabija’s blood
like SLURP SLURP MCSLURP BITCHES
and then she hangs some of them i guess cause she has a bunch of nooses
on top of all the swords she also has
and then she puts all the duplicates into her mouth
just sort of places them there
and then murders them all
and spits them all back out all the fuck over everywhere

so then she’s standing in a field of dead bodies
and there is nothing kali likes more
than standing in a field
of dead bodies
so she is like DOES ANYONE ELSE FEEL THE DANCE FEVER COMING ON
OK MAYBE IT IS JUST ME
and she starts boogieing the FUCK out
PS how come spell check thinks boogieing is a word
i am pleasantly surprised

anyway kali is a motherfucking disco inferno all over these corpses
stomping their fucking teeth out all over the place
and one of the bodies
for some reason
is Kali’s husband shiva
dunno what the fuck he was doing there
wearing a demon constume?
was this some kind of like
demon convention
where he was cosplaying?
i don’t fucking know
all i know is shiva seems like kind of a loser
because in all the pictures of him i can find
kali is either standing on his back
or standing on his face
and this is in fact exactly what starts happening now
and shiva is like OW WIFE FUCK OW WHAT
and kali is like oh shit i’m sorry
and she stops dancing
and i guess the rest of the dead bodies are saved

so the moral of the story is
do not get married
because your husband
might end up being one of the dead bodies you are trampling
and his anguished cries
will totally buzzkill the party

the end

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