Right so Halloween was yesterday or something
I don’t know
my memory of the last few days is sort of hazy
i think I might have gotten into a fistfight with Luigi on the train
and this morning while i was making breakfast i found a lot of blood
so i have to figure out what to do with that
but yeah anyway here’s a ghost story from Japan.

So there’s this temple called Amidaji
it was built for a very practical purpose
which is that about 700 years ago
there was this horrible battle right here
between the Heike clan and the Genji clan
and the Heike clan got totally wiped out
but they were really poor sports about it
so their ghosts all hung around sinking ships for 700 years
until finally someone was like fuck
we gotta built a temple or these ghosts will never shut up
so yeah now there’s a temple there.

Anyway the reason this temple is important
is because the best musician lives there
his name is Hoichi and he is the Ray Charles of ancient japan
as in he is blind and he can play the shit out of a biwa
which is a nutsack-shaped guitar that you play with a pick the size of your hand
it is a dope instrument
and Hoichi is so good at playing it
that even GOBLINS weep to hear him.
FUCKING GOBLINS.

Hoichi has worked out a sweet deal with the priest of the Amidaji temple:
basically Hoichi gets to crash for free indefinitely
and in exchange all he has to do is play music for the priest
whenever he’s got friends over or he’s high or whatever
so basically Hoichi has no incentive to ever move out or get a job
and life is good

UNTIL ONE NIGHT
the priest goes out clubbing
and leaves Hoichi alone at the temple
and Hoichi is hanging out on the porch strumming his guitar
trying to pick up chicks
when all of a sudden somebody starts yelling “HOCHI
YO, HOCHI”
and Hochi is like “uh yes sir?”
because he assumes that anybody with sack enough
to just charge up and start yelling his name at midnight
is probably a samurai or something
(in modern times
this is no longer a safe assumption to make)

So the Samurai is like “I represent a very wealthy
very SECRET lord
who would like very much to hear you play your biwa and sing about shit
come with me right now or I will murder you and no one will care”
and Hochi is like “Well shit, I guess I’m being kidnapped
but at least I’m being kidnapped to a party”
so he lets this mysterious asshole take his hand and drag him away.

Pretty soon they arrive at a huge mansion
which is weird
because Hoichi does not remember there being a huge mansion in this town
but what does he know, he’s blind
and it feels real enough.
Eventually he sits down in a room full of people
and they’re all like “Okay dude play for us”
and he’s like “What should I play?”
and they’re like “We heard that your specialty
is the war between the Heiki and the Genji
so how about that.”

This is baby stuff for Hoichi.
He busts out a melodically perfect epic like he’s taking a shit
everyone is devastated by the sheer beauty of this jam
they’re all fucking weeping, it’s disgusting
and then he finishes and they’re like “OH DAMN SON
WE KNEW YOU WAS GOOD
BUT FUCK GOOD
THAT WAS STRAIGHT UP EVIL
WE WOULD LIKE TO BOOK YOU FOR THE NEXT SIX NIGHTS”
and Hoichi is like “fuck yessssss a real gig”

so then the samurai grabs his hand and leads him back to the temple
but before he lets him go he’s like “Listen dude
that lord you played for
he’s on some Howard Hughes shit
doesn’t want anybody to know who he is
so if you tell anybody what’s going on
I will personally end you.”
and Hoichi is like “Yup no problem got it.”

So Hoichi goes and crashes out around sunrise
and the priest was out all night clubbing so he has no idea Hoichi was gone
but the NEXT night Hoichi sneaks out again
and the priest tries to hit him up for some music
but he’s NOT THERE
so when Hoichi stumbles back in in the morning the priest is waiting for him
like “where have you been?”
and Hoichi
who does NOT WANT TO JEOPARDIZE THIS GIG
is like “Uhh
weird … sex … stuff?”
but the priest isn’t buying it
he’s thinking “this is Japan
if Hoichi was into weird sex stuff
he could be doing it during the DAYTIME.
No there is only one possibility:
DEMONS.”

So the next night when Hoichi goes out
the priest sends some of his boys to follow him
and they lose him pretty quickly because they are chumps
but on their way back to the temple
they suddenly hear Hoichi soloing SUPER HARD
and where is the music coming from?
THE MUSIC IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE CEMETERY.
So they run up to the cemetery
and Hoichi is playing his fucking hands off for a bunch of tombstones
and they’re like “this is crazy. Hoichi, stop shredding in the cemetery”
and Hoichi is like “NO
THIS IS THE DEFINING MOMENT OF MY CAREER”
so they grab him by the arms and haul him home because he is obviously crazy.

When he gets back to the temple the priest is like “ok dude what the fuck”
and Hoichi breaks down and tells the whole story
and the priest is like “oh ok I get it
yeah those are the ghosts of everybody who died in that battle you were singing about
I guess they really like to wallow
anyway it’s a good thing we saved you”
and Hoichi is like “Saved me?
Those ghosts just wanted to book me for a week.
Now that you know what’s up, they will instead want to murder me
how is this saving?”
and the priest is like “Dude they’re ghosts
you’ll thank me later
anyway you’re probably right about them wanting to kill you.
I’m gonna need you to take off all your clothes
so I can draw demon wards all over your body
and then the ghosts won’t be able to see you.”

Hoichi doesn’t really have a lot of options at this point
so he takes off his clothes and lets the priest draw a bunch of dicks on him
and then sits in a rigid meditation pose all night
waiting for this plan to fail.
Midnight rolls around and the samurai shows up again
he’s like “YO, HOICHI
I HOPE YOU ARE READY TO TEAR SHIT UP TONIGHT
WE GOT PHARELL, YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO DO A DUET, IT’S GONNA RULE”
but Hoichi doesn’t say shit
so the samurai comes inside and he’s like “Huh
that’s weird
I was hoping to find Hoichi in here
but all I see is a pair of floating ears.
I guess he must have disappeared from rocking too hard or something
but my boss will be pissed if I don’t bring back anything.
Better rip off these floating ears and bring them back
yes, that sounds sensible.”
So the samurai rips off Hoichi’s ears
but Hoichi just grits his teeth and bears it
while blood gushes out of both sides of his head
UNTIL SURNISE
when the priest comes in
almost slips on Hoichi’s blood
and then is like “Ohhhh shit
oh damn
wow
buddy
Forgot to draw demon wards on your ears, buddy
I told my intern to do that part but I guess he forgot
oh wow I’m so embarassed
but the good news is that the demons won’t bother you anymore!”
and Hoichi is like “Hooray
the best audience I have ever had or could ever hope to have
ripped my ears off and now thinks I’m dead.”
and the priest is like “You’re welcome!”

Obviously Hoichi isn’t too keen on living in the temple after that
which i guess was the push he needed to become a famous musician
so it looks like it all worked out in the end.

So the moral of the story
is that if someone passes out before you at a party
please, for their sake
be thorough.

The end.

Sup guys

thanks for sticking with me while I told you stuff about my life for a bit
probably it will happen again at some point
but I can tell y’all’s interest is starting to flag
and a true storyteller
(which is exactly what the fuck I am)
always gives the audience what it wants
and right now
my storyteller sense is telling me
that what you want is a tale about frozen boobs
(recommended by my pal Ilsa: SHE WOLF OF THE INTERNET)

So there’s these two woodcutters
a young dude named Minokichi
and his dad
whose name doesn’t matter because he’s gonna die in the next paragraph
(oh, uh, spoilers.)
and they are terrible woodcutters
because they are out cutting wood IN THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING WINTER
when all sensible people are either inside or in cancun
and thus nobody is surprised when these two dimwits end up trapped in a snow storm
and have to spend the night in an abandoned hut

Now, normally this would just mean a very uncomfortable night
but this is a folktale
so both these dudes are basically fucked
word to the wise:
you do not spend the night in an abandoned shack if you are in a folktale
you go outside and you deal with the storm and get rescued by wizards or glowing deer or something
because see, here’s what happens to Minokuchi and his red-shirt dad:
dad falls asleep
but Minokuchi stays up because winter
and then at like midnight
this heart-stoppingly gorgeous babe creeps in
I say heart-stoppingly
because she walks up to the dad and straight stops his heart
although i guess she doesn’t do it with her hotness
she actually does it with her COLDNESS
because this chick is MADE OF ICE
she is in fact the YUKI-ONNA
AKA: SNOW WOMAN
sweet, the old guy is dead
now i can end this paragraph.

So Minokuchi is watching this snow lady rub her frost-bitey bod on his dad
and she catches him looking
and she’s like whoa
kid
I’m kinda killing your dad right now
could you give us some privacy?
when we’re done I’ll totally kill you too, I promise.
But then she feels bad
because Minokuchi is really young and also kind of sexy
so she’s like I’ll tell you what
I’ll let you live
but you can never tell ANYBODY about this
because it would totally ruin my cred
and then I will kill you
so Minokuchi is like GREAT. SOUNDS AWESOME. WE HAVE A DEAL.

so Minokuchi’s dad freezes to death
but Minokuchi gets to keep living
with a whole buttload of survivor’s guilt
until one day he’s walking through the forest again
and he runs into this HEART-STOPPINGLY GORGEOUS LADY
her skin is so unnaturally pale
it is like THE SNOW ITSELF
(yeah this is what the ancient japanese thought was attractive
although to me it sounds uncomfortably close to necrophilia)
oh also her name is O-yuki
which in Kanji is basically just Yuki-Ono backwards
just thought I’d draw your attention to that subtle bit of foreshadowing

so Minokuchi (being just over eighteen) immediately starts struggling with a massive erection
only he’s not struggling very hard
(hehe hard)
because he is super duper into this chick
I guess because he has a thing for women who look exactly like the one who murdered his father?
is there a name for that fetish?
like I know an Oedipus complex is when you want to kill your dad and sex your mom
but what if you want to sex the person who killed your dad?
it’s like one-stop shopping! so efficient!
leave it to the japanese to streamline a classic sexual disfunction

so obviously Minokuchi uses the suavest pickup line in his arsenal:
hey girl
are you uh
are you married?
and she’s like NO U?
and he’s like nope!
so they go home and get married
because dating will not be invented for another several decades

and all goes well for many years
this mystery snow woman bears ten children
because contracteption also will not be invented for several decades
and then one night, being the idiot that he is
Minokuchi is like you know who you really remind me of?
this snow spirit who killed my dad and made me promise never to tell
in fact you know what, you look exactly like her
how did I never notice this before
and O-Yuki
who – GASP – was actually Yuki-Ono THIS ENTIRE TIME
is like I HAVE NO IDEA
IT SEEMED PRETTY OBVIOUS TO ME
JUST LIKE IT SEEMED PRETTY OBVIOUS TO ME THAT YOU PROMISED NEVER TO TELL ANYONE
AND EVEN EVIL SNOW SPIRITS COUNT AS SOMEONE
YOU RACIST

so Minokuchi is like shit
so i guess you’re gonna kill me now
and Yuki-Ono is like nah
just gonna make you raise my kids for me
peace
then she disappears in a cloud of snow
leaving no forwarding address
Minokuchi never sees a CENT of child support

so the moral of the story
is you should not marry a snow wizard
because they are all terrified of commitment
and will latch onto any technicality they can find
just to avoid raising a family

I hope that helps

So I know y’all go cuckoo for norse myths
but right now I feel like telling Japanese myths
so you are just going to have to make friends with your inner otaku
pull up a pair of distended raccoon testicles
and get comfortable
because now this is happening:

So Susanoo
He’s the rough and rowdy storm god who gives 0% fucks about everyone
but somehow he has found someone willing to touch his lightning penis
and as a result, he now has A BUNCH OF KIDS
ALL OF WHOM ARE GODS
BECAUSE JAPAN CALLED, AND IT NEEDED A FEW MORE GODS.
Anyway, one of these gods is named Ohonamochi
which means “Great Name Posessor”
which is sort of cheating, as far as naming someone is concerned
I mean I have never seen an Oscar nominated feature film
called “Film With An Extremely Appropriate and Poigniant Title”
you don’t get to take that shortcut, Susanoo.
And ANYWAY
if this guy has such a great name
then how come when he and his eighty brothers go out courtin’
(Yes, he has eighty brothers.
Are you surprised?)
Mister Great Name over here is the one who has to carry ALL THEIR BAGS?
Also, as a side note
why are eighty bodacious Japanese gods
all going out to court A SINGLE HOT CHICK?
It’s not like there’s a shortage of goddesses to choose from.
Or maybe there is…
MYTHICAL JAPAN:
PERHAPS THE ULTIMATE SAUSAGEFEST?

Anyway
Ohonamochi is carrying the bag for all his awful bros
and they prank a rabbit so hard that it becomes SERIOUSLY INJURED
and Ohonamochi feels bad for the rabbit and heals it using his god powers
and then the rabbit is like “Thanks dude!
Turns out I am ALSO a god
BECAUSE SERIOUSLY EVERY LIVING THING IN JAPAN IS A FUCKING GOD RIGHT NOW
so I am going to give you holy dibs on that princess your bros are all going to try and woo!”

So then they all get to where the princess is
and the princess predictably refuses to marry ANY OF THESE DUDES other than Ohonamochi
so Ohonamochi’s bros get understandably pissed
and they decide to pull one of their patented HIGHLY INJURIOUS PRANKS.
So what they do is they go up to Ohonamochi and they’re like “Hey dude
we need you to catch this giant red boar up on that hill over there.
If you don’t, we’ll totally kill you.”
And then what they do is they carve a boulder to look like a boar
and then they set it on FIRE
and then they roll it down the hill
and when Ohonamochi tries to catch it
LIKE AN IDIOT
it burns him so bad that he dies.
PURE HILARITY.

Okay, wait
they got him to do that by threatening to kill him
and the end result was that they killed him.
Are these dudes just so hard up for laffs
that they couldn’t have just beaten him to death the regular way?
I mean, there’s EIGHTY OF THEM.
But actually, killing Ohonamochi is harder than you might think
because this dude has a super committed mom
who goes to a bunch of other gods
and gathers up all the necessary god-honey and magic juice necessary to resurrect her son.
So Ohonamochi comes back to life
and the first thing he does is go back and hang out with his murderous bros.
THREE MINUTES ALIVE
ALREADY MAKING TERRIBLE PLANS.
So his bros are like “Alright bro, welcome back.
We triple dog dare you to stand in the middle of this tree we split down the middle
and then we are going to remove the wedge that is holding the tree apart
and it is going to crush you.”
And Ohonamochi is like “DURR, OKAY.”
So he dies AGAIN
and his mom gets him brought back to life AGAIN
and this time he has the presence of mind to not hang out with a bunch of murdering dudes.
Instead he hides from them in the Land of Trees
which seems like an odd choice for a guy who just got killed by a tree
but anyway, after wandering around for a while
he ends up at SUSANOO’S PALACE
and this chick called Princess Forward
immediately locks eyes with him and then ten seconds later they’re married.
She is called Princess Forward for a reason.

But Susanoo is having none of it.
I think he has maybe even forgotten that Ohonamochi is his son
because as soon as he finds out about this marriage he’s like
“YOU WANNA MARRY MY DAUGHTER?
HERE’S WHAT YOU GET:
YOU GET TO SLEEP IN THE SNAKE HOUSE.”
Yeah, Susanoo is the kind of guy who builds a snake house
just so he can tell people to sleep in it.
But luckily, Princess Forward has some kind of magical snake-repellant scarf
so she just gives that to Ohonamoci, and he’s fine.
But then the next day
when Susanoo finds out he’s survived
he’s like “OKAY WELL GOOD JOB
NOW YOU GET TO SLEEP IN THE CENTIPEDE HOUSE.”
He’s apparently got a whole collection of houses full of terrible, terrible things.
But apparently, Princess Forward has a matching collection of scarves
because then she just gives Ohonamochi a centipede-repellant scarf, and he’s fine.

So the NEXT day, Susanoo decides to get a little creative
and instead of finding another terrible house for Ohonamochi to sleep in
he just fires a magic arrow into the middle of a swamp
and he’s like “Alright, dude, go get that arrow for me.”
So Ohonamochi goes into the swamp
and then Susanoo sets it on fire.
WHY DOES OHONAMOCHI KEEP DOING THESE THINGS PEOPLE TELL HIM TO DO?
LITERALLY NONE OF THEM HAVE TURNED OUT WELL.
IT IS LIKE THIS DUDE IS ADDICTED TO TERRIBLE DECISIONS.
But LUCKILY there is this hyperintelligent tribe of mice in the swamp
that find Ohonamochi and show him where to hide from the fire
and then dig up the arrow and bring it to him
and then he crawls out of the swamp, all gross and covered in soot
and he gives the arrow to Susanoo like “Now what?”
And Susanoo is like “Well, I have all these centipedes in my hair.
I don’t know why they’re in here.
Maybe because I live on an estate attached to a CENTIPEDE HOUSE.
Anyway, they are getting on my nerves
so I need you to remove them for me.”
And Ohonamochi predictably agrees.

But then PLOT TWIST
once he has lulled Susanoo to sleep with expert scalp massages
he proceeds to remove no centipedes at all
and instead tie all of Susanoo’s hair to different parts of his house
and then run away with Princess Forward
along with Susanoo’s sword, and his bow, and his magic harp.
But it turns out that a magic harp is a terrible thing to try and steal
because it knocks against something and then THE WHOLE EARTH RESOUNDS WITH ITS CALL
and then Susanoo wakes up
but he is tied to his house by the hair, so he doesn’t do a very good job of chasing them
and instead he ends up just standing in the doorway of his ruined house
yelling at his fleeing son, like “GREAT JOB, DICK.
WHY DON’T YOU JUST GO AHEAD AND USE MY MAGIC SWORD TO KILL YOUR BROS
AND THEN TAKE THE NAME ‘GREAT MASTER GOD OF THE LAND’
AND SET UP A SWEET TEMPLE AND RECREATE THE EARTH AND STUFF?
HOW ABOUT THAT, ASSHOLE?”
So that’s exactly what Ohonamochi does
because he always does what people tell him to do.

So the moral of the story
is if all your friends are telling you to jump off a bridge
you probably SHOULD do it
because underneath all that rushing water and death
is a bunch of IMMORTALITY AND SEXY LADIES.

The end.

I was kind of half-intending to do this myth for a while, but then I forgot
thankfully I can count of Rastafarian Action Dynamo Razz “Clever Dan” Amsterdam
to leap out of my forehead Athena-style at opportune intervals
and remind me about important things
it’s great, you should try it

So I don’t know whose bright idea it was to have storm gods
but those motherfuckers are nothing but problems
we’ve got Zeus for starters
I don’t even wanna open that can of worms right now
but as if Zeus wasn’t enough
we also have one of the ultimate prodigies of irrational sex and violence
ladies and gentlemen allow me to present to you:
SUSANOO

now I know what you’re thinking
you’re thinking SUSANOO sounds like an overacted exclamation from a bad soap opera
my friends, I assure you it is not
it is actually the name of the Japanese god of storms
birthed by Izanagi when he washed his nose one time

So one day Susanoo gets kicked out of heaven for being too rowdy
and on his way out he goes to say goodbye to his sister Amaterasu
now, Susanoo and Amaterasu are not on the best of terms
so Amaterasu thinks her bro might be trying to play one last prank on her
like on his way out
but Susanoo is like noo sis I just wanna say goodbye
here
let me prove my sincerity to you
by engaging you in a VERY WEIRD CONTEST
and Amaterasu is like sure okay

so what they do
is they each pick an inanimate object
and see how many gods they can make the object give birth to
because in ancient Japan
causing unlikely things to give birth
is a time-honored tradition

so Amaterasu picks Susanoo’s sword
and she makes it give birth to three chicks
i don’t think i want to know the details of that one
and meanwhile Susanoo is using his sister’s necklace to make five dudes
jeeze the longer i think about this the weirder it becomes
but anyway they finish doing this
and Susanoo is like well I guess I win
because my sword was what gave birth to chicks
and chicks are worth double points
and for some reason they don’t argue over this at all
and everything is great

BUT NOT FOR LONG
because seeing as he is the god of storms
it takes all of six seconds for Susanoo to start making bad decisions
everyone is basically just going around minding their own business
when WHAM WHAM WIMMY WOZZLE here comes Susanoo
he shits all over his sister’s rice fields
then cuts up a fucking pony and throws it at her loom
and then kills one of her attendants for no good reason
basically you can tell he didn’t spend very long planning this rampage
but even so, it ends up being so horrible that the SUN GETS SAD
and it’s dark for a while so that sucks

so of course now he gets exiled for REAL
and he’s wandering around down on earth
when he sees this man and woman crying all over their daughter
and he’s like whoa whoa stop that
what’s going on?
and they’re like oh
well, see, we used to have eight daughters
but every year for the last seven years
one of them has been eaten by the YAMATA NO OROCHI
and Susanoo is like uh
what is that?
and they’re like WELL
it’s a snake
but instead of one head it has eight
and instead of one tail it has eight
and instead of being normal snake size it is as long as eight hills and eight valleys
ARE YOU BEGINNING TO NOTICE A THEME?
also moss grows on its back and its eyes are like cherries
I don’t know how the world turtle and santa claus got mixed in here
but GOD DAMMIT THIS THING IS SCARY
and Susanoo is like pshaw my friends
I am the god of storms
romping and stomping shit is what I DO
how about you let me have your daughter, and I will kill this big snake
and the parents are like ok sure sweet

so immediately Susanoo goes WAZZAP KAGOW
and turns the daughter
(whose name is beautiful rice-field princess by the way)
into a comb
which he immediately stuffs in his hair
presumably to keep her safe
but more likely because he has no idea how sex actually works
we are talking about guy who has made a career out of forcing necklaces to give birth
and then he’s like ALRIGHT GUYS
HERE’S THE PLAN:
I need you to build eight gates
and eight pedestals to put behind the eight gates
and I want you to make eight pots
full of booze that has been distilled EIGHT TIMES
because we’re kind of on a roll with the whole eight thing
and then i want you to set that shit up
and we should be good

so they set all that shit up
and pretty soon the bigass snake comes along
and it smells the octuple-distilled booze and is like OH SHIT
LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE IS HAVING A PARTY
TIME TO TRANSFER THE ENTIRE LIQUOR CONTENT OF THAT PARTY INTO MY STOMACH
which is basically what I yell every time i show up to a party

but so yeah, the snake gets absolutely trashed
every single one of its heads is bobbing and weaving and seeing cartoon birds
and then they all pass out
at which point susanoo just strolls by
idly decapitating all eight heads in succession
except he only gets halfway when his sword his something and TOTALLY BREAKS
oh no wait it’s fine
it turns out what he broke his sword on is just A BRAND NEW SWORD
so it looks like it all worked out in the end
pretty soon after that i think they let him back into heaven
because who is going to argue with a guy who just decapitated a snake eight times

so the moral of the story
is no matter what shape or size
drunk animals are HILARIOUS

the end.

Alright so someone
(specifically Jake “The Snake” Orphangrinder)
brought it to my attention that I haven’t really covered the Japanese pantheon
sure I’ve told you some folktales
like about idiots who spend centuries staring at foxes
and birds with very roundabout ways of distributing riches
and like some kind of baby with superpowers?
but i’m talking about the real shit
the assholes in the sky having sex and causing problems shit
and Mssr. Orphangrinder was kind enough to provide me with some internet hotlinks
directing me to this shit
so this is the shit I am talking about today

so where do we begin?
oh I know
HOW ABOUT THE BEGINNING
DURRRR
okay so apparently there’s like a hojillion generations of gods in japan
in fact there are so many generations
that it takes seven of them JUST TO GET US TO THE DUDES WHO CREATE THE EARTH
what the fuck were those other generations of gods doing?
just chilling out in heaven
maybe having a few orgies
not fucking with ANY MORTALS AT ALL?
what kind of gods are these
gods with supernatural self control apparently

anyway after 7 generations here come the two main characters of this shitfest
Izanagi (meaning “he who invites”)
and Izanami (meaning “SHE who invites”)
(that has nothing to do with how they behave or who they are or anything
i just thought it would be a nice detail to include)
they are probably siblings based on how similar their names are
see also: tweedledee and tweedledum
and so this being mythology
their first act is to be like HEY
I MIGHT LIKE YOU BETTER IF WE SLEPT TOGETHER
LET’S LEGITIMIZE IT WITH MARRIAGE
but of course seeing as all the gods have just been having orgies and chilling out
for MILLENIA
no one even knows what the fuck a marriage is
so Izanagi and Izanami have to make one from scratch
and what they come up with actually makes a lot of sense
Izanagi’s like alright
what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna see you and get REEEEEALLY EXCITED
and then you are also gonna get REALLY EXCITED
and then we’ll be married!
and Izanami is like sounds great
i mean normally women are supposed to be super passive and not speak unless spoken to
but I guess I will make an exception because I am dying to get my bone on with you
so they do that
and then immediately get down to business
and Izanami gives birth to a hideous mutant leech baby
BIG SURPRISE ASSHOLES
YALL ARE SIBLINGS
actually I want to go ahead and applaud the japanese
for having the first mythos that actually accurately portrays the outcome of incest
oh wait no
i spoke too soon
turns out they had a leechbaby because Izanami TALKED DURING THE FUCKING WEDDING
WOMEN AREN’T SUPPOSED TO TALK GUYS IT’S UNLADYLIKE
so they take a mulligan on the marriage
and this time Izanami keeps her fat mouth shut
and then they get bizzay
and give birth to
THE ISLAND OF JAPAN
OW
not only is that not a living thing
thus making it probably more mutant status than the leechbaby
just imagine trying to push japan out your ladyhole
Izanami just gets all kinds of screwed over in this story

oh I forgot to say
they fuck so hard in the water that they create bubbles
and the bubbles turn into all the other landmasses on earth
which is good
because it means Izanami doesn’t have to individually birth EVERY SINGLE OTHER PLACE
but even so
japan is not the last level hazard Izanami has to scooch out her cooch
enter (or rather exit) KAGUTSUCHI
GOD OF FIRE
okay so you just gave birth to eight massive islands without a c section
good job
now let’s start from the top
except instead of landmasses
let’s use THE EMBODIMENT OF PURE FIRE
this is disgusting guys I am disgusted
oh also that’s finally what kills Izanami
so now she’s dead

but it’s okay
kind of
because when Izanami dies a whole bunch of other gods shoot out of her corpse
like the god of earth and stuff
and then Izanagi starts crying about it and his tears turn into MORE GODS
and then he gets pissed off and cuts Kagutsuchi into pieces
and guess what the pieces turn into
DING DING DING
MORE GODS
is there anything anyone can do in ancient japan that does not result in more gods?
answer: no

so then Izanami calms down a little bit
he is cycling through the stages of grief mighty fast
and he decides to go down to Yomi
which is japanese hell
and try and get her back
so he goes down there and finds Izanami and he’s like sup gurl
wanna come be alive with me again or something?
and Izanami is like aw shit man
I already ate a bunch of pomegranates or whatever and now I can’t leave
here let me introduce you to my friend persephone
i understand she had the EXACT SAME EXPERIENCE IN ANOTHER COUNTRY
man I love when myths are fucking identical and there is no rational explanation why

so anyway Izanagi is pretty disappointed
but he decides to chill out in hell for a while anyway
except here’s the problem
at some point he lights a torch
and he sees his wife
and she appears to have traded in her hotness for a lifetime supply of MAGGOTS
and he’s like AW HELL NO GIRL
I WAS GONNA ASK ABOUT CONJUGAL VISITS IN HELL BUT I THINK I NEED TO CHANGE MY MIND
BECAUSE IT JUST SHAT ITSELF WITH HORROR
and Izanami is like man come back don’t be a pussy
and Izanagi is like HIGGITY-HELL NO
and Izanami is like fine asshole
how about I kill a thousand people a day for the REST OF ETERNITY
and Izanagi is like ok you do that
I will create ONE THOUSAND AND FIVE HUNDRED people every day
suck it uggo
or actually don’t
that’s kind of what this whole dispute is about come to think of it
and so I guess they probably have a bidding war for a while
where Izanami ups the number of dudes she kills
and Izanagi ups the number of dudes he makes
and they keep doing that basically forever as far as I can tell
and that’s where overcrowding comes from!

so the moral of the story
is if you can avoid it
try not to be a mother goddess
you never know what the fuck they’re gonna try and get you to put in your womb

THE END.

So there’s this woodsman

his name is Visu
he works all the time and he’s generally a pretty ok dude
but then one day this priest shows up
and he is like Visu I hear you don’t pray
and Visu is like fuck praying i do what i want
and the priest is like dude didn’t you know
if you don’t pray you’re gonna come back to life as like
cockroaches
or tapeworms
or asshair or something
and Visu is like OH SHIT
I AM OFFICIALLY DOING NOTHING BUT PRAYING FROM NOW ON
OH GODS I AM SO SORRY ABOUT NOT PRAYING BEFORE
WHEN I DIE PLEASE BRING ME BACK TO LIFE AS A SWEET DRAGON
AND/OR BODACIOUS PAIR OF TITS
so meanwhile Visu’s family is starving
seeing as Visu has abruptly stopped feeding and caring for them
and his wife is like HEY VISU
WHAT THE FUCK
and Visu is like GET OFF MY DICK WOMAN
I AM TRYING TO GET RESSURECTED AS TITS HERE DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND
FUCK THIS I’M ABANDONING YOU
so he packs up his shit and he climbs up a mountain
and he sits down at the top of the mountain like alright
time to get my pray on FOR REAL
but then holy shit what is this
there is a fox
better go chase it
so he chases the fox
LIKE AN IDIOT
and ends up in this clearing
where he sees two hot chicks playing a really boring board game
but he has nothing better to do i guess
so he sits down and watches them play
FOR 300 YEARS
but he doesn’t notice that it is 300 years
i guess because time flies when you’re an idiot
and finally after 300 years
one of the chicks makes a wrong move
and Visu is like HA HA BITCH YOU FUCKED UP
and then the chicks turn into foxes and run away
and Visu is like dammit
why are hot chicks always turning into foxes
what the fuck japan
i’m going home
and see it is at this point that he realizes that he is SUPER OLD
his joints are all worthless
he’s got a sweet beard
and his axe is fucking disintegrated
but this is not enough to convince him that something is wrong
because he then proceeds to go back home
looking for his wife
but she is DEAD
OBVIOUSLY
as are his kids
and their kids
and all that remains is this crotchety old lady
who does not give a shit about any of those people
and Visu is like WHY GODS WHY
WHY HAVE YOU PUNISHED ME
ALL I WANTED WAS TO SPEND MY NEXT LIFE AS BOOBS AND NOT COCKROACHES
I GUESS THE MORAL OF THIS STORY
IS THAT IF YOU PRAY
DON’T FORGET TO ALSO WORK

but no
fuck that
that’s not the moral of the story
because see the moral of the story
is STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM FOXES
ESPECIALLY when they are pretending to be hot chicks

the end.