Category Archives: Native American

Coyote Needs Some Goddamn Ritalin

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5

Okay so this is pretty crazy

because my friend James just told me this story about constellations
and then i went onto this blog right here
and this chick charlotte
is all up in here
requesting a myth about constellations
my mind is blown

but not blown enough apprently
because i am still going to go ahead and tell this myth

alright so rabbit
he is kind of a complete puss nexus
he is so much of a push over
his wife rolled over to his side of the bed once
and he ended up on fucking mercury
so when the great spirit shows up like HEY
HEY RABBIT
I’VE GOT ALL THESE FUCKING STARS
AND I NEED SOMEONE TO UNDERGO THE INCREDIBLY MENIAL
MIND NUMBING
FUCKING UTTERLY POINTLESS TASK
OF PUTTING ALL OF THESE STARS IN THAT SKY OVER THERE
ONE BY ONE
IN A VERY PARTICULAR PATTERN
DICTATED BY ME
IN ORDER TO SPELL OUT A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT LAWS
WHICH I THEN EXPECT YOU TO FOLLOW
AND MAYBE ENFORCE ALSO
BASICALLY
I’M GONNA GO GET WASTED WHILE YOU DO MY JOB
and rabbit is like ok dont hurt me

so the great spirit gives rabbit this blanket
full of all the stars ever
which are covered
in ULTIMATE SUPERGLUE
so if rabbit fucks up even once
everything is ruined forever

so of course rabbit is ultra careful
sitting up there in the sky
taking out a star
checking where it’s supposed to go
double checking where it’s supposed to go
gingerly placing it in the sky
doin’ it all again
and again and again

so after like
a hojillion hours
coyote shows up
like HEY ASSCACTUS WHAT’S HAPPENING
and rabbit is like oh fuck
i mean hey coyote
nothing
nothing at all
and coyote is like IT DOESNT LOOK LIKE NOTHING
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE PUTTING ALL THE STARS IN THE SKY
HERE LET ME HELP
and rabbit is like fuck
why don’t i have a spine
ok you can help
so coyote is like OK I SEE WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SPELLING OUT SOME LAWS
OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT
and rabbit is like yes that is the idea
and coyote is like BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
RINNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
I’M GONNA MAKE SOME SWEET PICTURES OF ANIMALS
CHECK IT OUT THIS ONE IS A FUCKING BEAR
and rabbit is like coyote that is not what we are supposed to do
that is not what we are supposed to do at all
and coyote is like DONT YOU SEE RABBIT
I MADE A FUCKING BEAR
A MOTHERFUCKING BEARRRRRR
OK I’M GONNA DO YOU NOW
WATCH
and rabbit is like coyote i am flattered by your portraiture
even if your medium is precious irreplaceable stars
but if you would just hold on for one moment
and coyote is like TOUGH TITS NANCY BOY
I AM MAKING ALL KINDS OF ANIMALS UP IN HERE
FOX
CAT
BUFFALO BUFFALO BUFFALO
IS THAT A GODDAMN RHINOCEROS
FUCK NO
GIRAFFE ASSHOLE
but then suddenly
coyote is like WAIT
THIS IS TAKING

WAY

TOO

LONG

I WANNA GO RIDE A BIKE OR SOME SHIT
MAYBE SET SOMETHING ON FIRE
WHO THE FUCK KNOWS
I’M COYOTE
ANYWAY I’M HANDLING THIS
and he takes the remaining stars
and chucks them all into the sky
creating the milky way
and that’s why the sky looks so fucked up now

as for rabbit
well
the great spirit only punishes him a LITTLE
for coyote’s actions
so it works out kind of ok in the end
except who the fuck knows what those laws were supposed to be

so the moral of the story is
if you have a friend like coyote
who is a massive toolclown who cannot stop causing problems
invest in some industrial strength solvent
or your friend will get you in trouble with god

the end.

ICE MANNNN

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3

So there is this village right

the people in this village are dumbasses
they do not understand how to handle fire
to wit:
they have a fire
and it starts burning
and they do not stop it
so it burns a great big path
right up to a massive poplar tree
sets the tree on fire
burns it to ashes
dances on its grave
sends rude postcards to its poplar family
and then burns a hole in the ground
a huge fucking hole
how does fire even do this

anyway the hole keeps getting bigger
and the people keep trying to put it out
and failing harder and harder
until finally
one of the villagers is like I KNOW WHAT TO DO
WE’LL GET
THE ICEMANNNNN
so they go up north a bit
and they find this dude the ice man
he sounds like a superhero
and he totally is
because when they tell him their problem
what he does
is he unbraids all his hair
and then he cuts off some of it
and starts beating it furiously against his hand
the first time it hits his hand
a cold wind blows
the second time
it starts to rain
then sleet happens
and then it starts to snow hardcore
and ice man is like ok problem solved
go back to your village
i will be there in a couple days

so they go back to the village
to sit helplessly around this burning pit that used to be their lives
and sure enough
a couple days later a wind starts up
but it just makes the fire stronger
and then rain happens
but that just makes scalding steam
and then sleet occurs
and it drowns out the fire
but there is a fuckton of smoke
so then a storm starts up
and everyone hides for a bit
and when they come out in the morning
the giant lake of fire is now just a regular lake
but they say
if you hang out by that lake long enough
you can hear coal crackling at the bottom of it

the moral of the story is
fuck smokey bear
only THE ICE MAN
can prevent forest fires

the end.

Rabbit is a shitty host

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1

So bear invites rabbit over for dinner
and there is a big pot of beans cooking on the stove
and bear is like rabbit are you hungry
and rabbit is like fuck yes i am hungry
i just spent all morning
trying to get bugs out of wood
by beating my face against it like a woodpecker
and now my nose is split forever
and i have no bugs
hook it up bear

and bear is like ok
and takes the beans off the stove
and tries some
and is like hm
needs lard
and he fucking CUTS OPEN HIS OWN STOMACH
AND OOZES FAT INTO THE BEANS
and then they eat the beans together and it is great

but see now rabbit is super fucking jealous
of his animal pal
so the next day
he is like hey bear come over to my house
i will make you some beans
it will be great
and bear comes over
and rabbit takes the beans off the stove
and he tries them
all like HM THIS SURE NEEDS SOME FUCKING LARD
and then he proceeds to disembowel himself
trying to bleed fat into the beanbowl
(PS bleed fat into the beanbowl
sounds like some kind of a euphemism
for sex)
and so he is sitting on the floor dying of blood loss
and like
organ loss
and bear is like WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK
I AM NOT GOING BACK TO JAIL
and he stitches rabbit up
and then he’s like dude
just because i can do something
does not mean you can also do it
what are you a fucking retard

so the moral of the story is
when it comes to cooking
self-mutilation is not always the answer

the end.

CALIFORNIAAAAAA

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4

So eagle and crow
they are best buds
such good buds in fact
that when the world floods
eagle lets crow ride on his back
while they search for land

well tough tits for them
because there is no land anywhere at all
but finally they manage to find a stump at least
and eagle goes and sits on that
like finally fuck
i have been carrying you for like eleventy billion weeks asshole

then they get bored
so every day the two birds have a fish-catching contest
but then at the end of the day they just split the fish evenly
so it is not a very high stakes contest
remember they are best buds
and then they spend a bunch of time trying to find land
and failing
harrrd

then in the evening they always come back to the stump
like damn
i wonder if there’s a way for us to make land
we can’t dive deep enough to get any dirt
so what the fuck would we make it out of?

and this is what they do every day
until one day
a duck shows up
diving down to get fish
and coming up with more mud in his mouth than fish
because he is shitty at catching fish
so crow and eagle are like HOLY SHIT
we can USE THIS BIRD to get LAND
so they are like hey duck
we will give you fish
if you bring us mud
and duck is like sweet deal dudes
i’m on it
so for the next bajillion days
crow and eagle and duck
engage in what my source material calls
“a great game of fish and mud exchange”

guys
there are a lot of great games
fish and mud exchange is not one of them
any game that involves the words fish
and mud
and exchange
is a shitty game in my book
although actually settlers of catan is a lot like that
at least when you play with fish
i like settlers of catan
ANYWAY

eagle and crow are building the shit out of some mudpiles over here
all like BEST FRIENDS FOREVER
TOTALLY GONNA SPLIT THIS NEW LAND EVENLY
but then one day eagle goes away for a bit
and he comes back
and crow has STOLEN THE SHIT OUT OF LIKE HALF OF HIS MUD
and eagle is like what the fuck crow
what the fuck
and the two of them have a massive shit fit about it
and then eagle starts putting out twice as much fish for duck
as crow does
so duck brings eagle twice as much mud
and eagle’s land keeps getting bigger and bigger
and crow doesn’t even fucking notice
and then the rains stop
and the sun bakes the mud
and they keep building the fuck out of these mountains they are making
these things are MASSIVE
in fact if you were to go look for these dirtmounds now
you would not have a hard time finding them
because eagle’s mudpile is now known
as the FUCKING SIERRAS
and crow’s mudpile
is a bitchass puss nexus of a mountain range
known as the Coast mountain range
basically because while crow cheated one time
eagle cheated over and over again
for days and months and years

and now eagle is a fucking native american culture hero
for his honor and wingspan and shit
and everyone hates crow
because one time he stole some dirt
so the moral of the story i guess
is if someone fucks you over once
you can fuck them over in return
day after day
never stopping
never slowing down
and it will be okay
everyone will love you
and you will get to own the fucking sierras

the end.

FIRE

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2

Ok so i am about to fuck off to the desert
AGAIN
and so i am going to be remotely posting myths
native american myths
using the magic of the internet
starting RIGHT
NOWWWWW

ok so coyote right
he likes to chill with all the humans on earth
and life is pretty sweet most of the time
blackberries and wheat and shit all the fuck over the place
except then winter comes
and just jizzes in everyone’s lungs
and like 90% of everybody dies
every year

so one day coyote is walking along
and he passes a village
and the woman are all weeping
over their dead infants
and they are like FUUUUUUCK
THE SUN IS SO WARM RIGHT NOW
IN SPRING
IF ONLY WE HAD SOME OF THE SUN IN OUR TEEPEES
IN WINTER
and coyote is like I HAVE A SOLUTION

so he goes up on top of this mountain
where these three assholes live
called the fire beings
they are these ugly motherfuckers
with like
sharp talons
who spend all their time guarding this fire
so when they hear coyote in the underbrush
they are like AGH FUCK WHO’S THERE
and coyote is like just me
just a coyote
nothing to worry about
and they are all like oh ok

so then coyote watches them all night
seeing how they always have at least one of them
watching the fire
except right at dawn
when one of the fire beings
is too much of a lazy whorebag
to get up quickly and guard the fire

so coyote goes and hits up all his animal pals
like GUYS
help me steal fire for the weird hairless human things
and the animals are like sure ok

so coyote goes back up to the top of the mountain
and the fire beings hear him like WHOA
AGH
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE
and coyote is like jeeze guys
dont you remember
i’m just a coyote
a harmless dumb animal
come on
and the fire beings are like ok
so then coyote hangs out all night
and in the morning
when one of the fire beings is busy lazing it up
he hauls ass across their camp
and grabs the fire
and starts booking it down the mountain
and all of the fire beings are like SHIIIIIIIIT
and they start flying after him
and one of them touches his tail
and it turns white
which is why all coyotes have tails like that
that’s right
this coyote got AROUND
anyway then coyote tosses the fire to squirrel
and squirrel carries it on his back
which burns it hardcore
curling his tail
and then he passes the fire to chipmunk like OW FUCK
and chipmunk catches it
and then fucking FREEZES because these fire beings
are TERRORIFYING
and one of them just runs up to him and scratches the fuck out of his back
leaving three lines there
which are now on all chipmunks everywhere
and then chipmunk is like FUCK DAMN
and passes the fire to frog
and the fire beings catch frog’s tail
and frog is just like FUCK I DONT NEED A TAIL
and it comes off
and guys
guess what
now frogs don’t have tails
so finally after all this forcible re-engineering of various species
frog tosses the fire to wood
and wood swallows it
and the fire beings go up to wood like HEY WOOD
FUCKING GIVE US OUR FIRE BACK
and wood is like nope
and the fire beings are like IMA CUT CHOO
and wood is like go for it
and the fire beings are finally like YOU KNOW WHAT FINE
FUCK IT
and they leave
but coyote knows how to set wood on fire
so he teaches all the humans
how to use like
matches and shit
and suddenly arsonist is a profession

so the moral of the story is
if you need something
steal it
in fact better yet
have a coyote steal it
because apparently no one suspects those guys

THE END

FUCK SHIT FUCK FUCK

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2

OH DAMN I FORGOT TO WRITE A MYTH YESTERDAY

ARE YOU OKAY GUYS
ARE YOU DOING ALRIGHT?
whatever
here’s a myth now instead

so there’s this dude wisakedjak
sometimes anglicized as whiskey jack
but that’s needlessly confusing
cause this dude has nothing to do
with whiskey
and in fact was around WAYYYYY before whiskey
he’s this trickster god
who happens to be tight with the creator
at least according to Algonquin mythology

so basically
the creator makes the world
and is likey hey wisakedjak
dude
i am so fucking tired
how about you handle everything else now
like teach everyone what roots are good to eat
and keep them from killing each other and shit
you know
everything i am actually personally responsible for doing

so wisakedjak is like sure ok
and proceeds to do the exact opposite
of everything the creator says
as in
he feeds everyone poison and goes around starting fights
and the creator wakes up from like a ten-year bender
and is like whooooooaaaaa dude
stop
stop doing that
what did i tell you to do
i’m pretty sure it wasn’t that
you best clean up your act
or i’m gonna kill everybody
and ruin everything
and then you’ll be bored

so wisakedjak calls bullshit
and just goes right on doing what he was doing
except like NINE TIMES HARDERRRR
he is running up to dudes like
HEY
HEYYYYYYY
SEE THAT GUY OVER THERE
HE KILLED YOUR PARENTS
HE KILLED YOUR DOG
HE KILLED YOUR HOUSE
MURDER HIM
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
and he just keeps doing this
until the earth is literally saturated with blood
there is nowhere for all this blood to go
it’s pretty upsetting
so at this point the creator shows up again like whoa
WHOAAAAAAA
THAT’S IT
EVERYBODY DIES

so then everything floods
and the only things left alive
are wisakedjak
even though he is almost the entire problem
plus an otter
a beaver
and a muskrat
no fish apparently
because i guess this water is poison maybe?

so wisakedjak sits in the water with his animal pals
crying and feeling sorry for himself
when all of a sudden he has an idea
he’s like DUDES
I CAN’T CREATE ANYTHING
BUT I CAN INFINITELY EXPAND
ANYTHING THAT HAS ALREADY BEEN CREATED
GUYS I NEED SOMEONE TO GO DIVE DOWN
AND GET ME SOME OF THE OLD EARTH
SO I CAN MAKE AN ISLAND
HEY CREATOR IS IT OK IF I DO THIS?

and the creator is like sure you can make a new world
as long as you use all the material i wasted on the old world
I don’t wanna have to buy a bunch of new dirt and shit
so wisakedjak is like OTTER
YOU’RE SO BRAVE
GO DO IT
AND I’LL MAKE SURE YOU ALWAYS HAVE FISH TO EAT

so otter dives down
and comes back up
with NO DIRT AT ALL
and then he tries again
with the same result
and he tries a third time
and fucks up AGAIN
and is too weak to dive anymore
and wisakedjak is like wow dude
wow
i am pretty fucking disappointed
ok beaver
your turn
if you bring me some dirt
i will build you a house
so beaver dives
and fails
dives
and fails
and is pretty fucking tired at this point
but wisakedjak is like come on pussy
if you get me some dirt
i will also give you a wife
so beaver tries one more time
and almost drowns
and finds no dirt whatsoever

so finally wisakedjak turns to the muskrat
and he’s like alright man
i have no faith in you whatsoever
but hell
give it a shot
and if you make it i’ll give you infite roots to eat
plus rushes to make a house out of
plus a wife
and you’ll have like
a billion babies
come on man i’m counting on you

so muskrat dives
and he comes up
and he has
NO DIRT
so he tries again
and he’s gone for a while
and he comes up real tired
and he still has no dirt
but here’s the important thing:
he SMELLS like dirt
so wisakedjak is like dude you are so close
try one more time
so the muskrat dives down
and he’s gone for a LOOOOOONG time
and everyone is like shit
is he alive
and then they see some bubbles
so they reach in and pull out the muskrat
who is pretty much dead
but he has just a little bit of dirt with him
which wisakedjak turns into an island
and they finally get to stop sitting in the water

and then in the following days wisakedjak finds some bones
and makes animals
and he makes trees out of some wood
and then the creator is like dude you know what
you don’t get powers anymore
you just get the power to lie like a motherfucker
so wisakedjak just uses that power as hard as he can
for ever and ever
starting by failing to ever reward the muskrat

proving once and for all
that animals
are stupid and easy to manipulate

The End