Category Archives: Norse

Loki takes it just a little too far

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HIDE YOUR WIVES AND DAUGHTERS
SET FIRE TO YOUR VALUABLES
LOKI IS COMING AND HE IS SWINGIN’ DICK
SERIOUSLY SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET REAL
THIS IS A MYTH THAT IS LESS A MYTH AND MORE A RAP BATTLE BETWEEN LOKI AND EVERYONE

so this myth picks up right after that other one
where thor ruin’s some guy’s whole house and livelihood
in order to get a pot big enough to brew nordic megabooze in
they are putting that pot to good use
cause everyone is at this bangin party at Aegir’s place
just getting trashed and yelling about violence
which is not much different from what they are doing AT ALL TIMES
except that EVERYONE is there
i don’t even know who half these assholes are
but one asshole I DEFINITELY recognize
is LOKI
this dude is sitting in the middle of the rad festivities
with a stick up his butt that it SOOOO LONG
that it shoots out of his mouth and kills one of the serving dudes
and everyone is like LOKI WHAT THE FUCK
WHAT THE FUCK LOKI
MAJOR PARTY FOUL
GET THE FUCK OUT

so loki leaves
he leaves for about TEN MINUTES
at which point he turns around and walks back to Aegir’s place
and he goes to the doorman and he’s all hey man
coming to this party
and the doorman is like fuck you
and loki is like no no no
fuck YOU
and the doorman is like RIGHT THIS WAY SIR
and loki comes back in and he’s standing in the doorway
and everyone is like WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE
WE TOLD YOU TO LEAVE LIKE THREE MINUTES AGO
and Loki is like chill out guys
you know
there was a time
when Odin and I were best bros
what happened Odin
was it because I ruined everything over and over again?
why can’t we be pals again?
and odin is like fuck it whatever
come sit down at the table
and FUCKING BEHAVE
unfortunately BEHAVE is not a word Loki can hear
so he goes about trying to shit in everyone’s mouths
with his words
basically with the same end goal as Eris in that one greek myth
except WAYYYYY BITCHIER

so Loki’s like OH MAN ALL YOU GODS ARE SO HELLA TIGHT
CHEERS TO EVERYBODY
EVERYBODY EXCEPT FOR THAT ASSHOLE OVER THERE
WHAT’S YOUR NAME ASSHOLE?
BRAGI?
SOUNDS LIKE AN ASSHOLE NAME TO ME
and Bragi is like man what the fuck
we kicked you out of the party
we let you come back
and this is the shit you pull?
come on man
and loki is like I’M NOT FINISHED
YOU ARE ALSO A HUGE PUSSY
and Bragi is like how about I pussy your face into pulp
and Loki is like THAT’S PRETTY BIG TALK
FOR A PUSSYYYYYYYYYYY

so then this chick Ithun chimes in
like Loki seriously dude
this isn’t even clever
you’re just fucking yelling at dudes
and Loki is like
SLUT
and this chick Gefjun is like seriously everybody calm down
and Loki is like YOU FUCK LITTLE BOYS
and then Odin is like AMATEUR HOUR IS OVER PUSSPANTHERS
TIME FOR THE ALLFATHER TO RIP THIS MOTHERFUCKER UP
THIALFI
GIVE ME A BEAT
and Thialfi is all like BOOM PSH BOOM BOOM PSH wikiwiki
and Odin’s like YO
I KNOW THERE’S A LOT OF BAD BLOOD BETWEEN US
BUT I’M NOT EVEN SURE THAT YOU HAVE A PENIS
CAUSE I HEARD ABOUT HOW YOU FUCKED A HORSE
AND WHEN THE BABIES CAME OUT, YOUR HORSE-VAG WAS THE SOURCE
and all the gods are like OHHHHHH SNAPPPPPP
and loki’s like UH UH CHECK IT OUT
I’LL FUCK YOUR OTHER EYE OUT AND I’LL MAKE YOU MY BITCH
YO I HEARD YOU ONCE DESCENDED TO EARTH AS A WITCH
THAT WOULD SEEM TO PROVE THAT YOU LACK A DONG
EVEN THOUGH I’M TOTALLY LYING ABOUT ALL THIS SHIT
and then frigga is like this is pretty stupid
and Loki’s like YOU’RE A SLUT
and frigga is like bro if Baldur were here right now
and not dead
he’d totally whup you
and Loki’s like HAHA JOKE’S ON YOU
I’M THE DUDE WHO KILLED BALDUR
yeah that’s right
i’m so intent on ruining your party
I WILL WILLINGLY CONFESS TO MURDER
and Freyja is like dude are you seriously confessing to murder right now?
and Loki’s like LET’S PLAY FILL IN THE BLANK:
YOU’RE A SLUT
OH MAN I FORGOT TO PUT IN ANY BLANKS SORRY

and this whole time this god Njorth who now one has heard of
has been warming up his sick burns on the megahearth
and now he brings them to bear
all like LOKI
YOU ARE CALLING ALL THESE WOMEN SLUTS
BUT LIKE
YOU FUCKED A HORSE
SO
KIND OF A DOUBLE STANDARD THERE BUDDY
and Loki’s like OH YEAH?
WELL I HEARD A BUNCH OF CHICKS PISSED IN YOUR MOUTH
and Njorth is like seriously where are you even getting this shit
and Loki is like PS YOUR SON FREYR IS A PIECE OF SHIT
and then Tyr steps up to the mic
and he’s like yo:
Freyr is actually a pretty cool dude
and Loki is like WHAT’S THAT HANDY MCHANDS?
I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER ALL THE HANDS YOU’RE MISSING
and Tyr is like ok yeah i lost a hand
but I lost it while imprisoning the SHIT out of your horrible wolfbaby
so you can fellate my fist
and Loki’s like uh
well
YOUR WIFE’S A SLUT
at which point Freyr steps in and he’s like dude
you are walking on thin ice
we’re like this close to chaining you up like your wolfkid
and Loki’s like WHATEVER DUDE
AT LEAST I’M NOT GOING TO LOSE MY SWORD RIGHT BEFORE RAGNAROK
SERIOUSLY YOU HAVE THE LAMEST PART OF THAT PROPHECY AMIRITE
and then some dude Byggvir is like I WANNA PUNCH YOO
and Loki’s like who the fuck are you
seriously
and NO ONE KNOWS
so then Heimdall is like dude Loki
maybe you need to quit drinking
you are being kind of belligerent man
and Loki is like YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER
and then Sif
who is thor’s wife
is like lemme just pour you some more booze there loki
we’re cool right?
and Loki’s like
I WILL GIVE EVERYONE THREE GUESSES WHAT YOU ARE
BZZZT TIME’S UP YOU’RE A SLUT
and thor is like aw hell no
oy
loki
shut your mouth before I hit you with my hammer
and Loki’s like PUSSY
and thor’s like HAMMER
and Loki’s like PANSY
and Thor’s like HAMMER
and Loki’s like YOU GOT PRANKED BY A GIANT
and Thor’s like HAMMER HAMMER HAMMER
and Loki’s like you’re not even listening to me are you
and Thor’s like hammer?
and then Loki is like alright shitlicks
it’s been real
but i gotta go make fun of some horses
or maybe fuck some horses
haven’t decided yet
but anyway peace
and the gods are like UH NOPE
YOU MAY RECALL HAVING CONFESSED TO MURDER A FEW MINUTES AGO
and Loki is like aww fuck
and then they tie him to a rock with his son’s intestines
and drip poison on him forever
and he has siezures and those are earthquakes i guess

so the moral of the story
if when crashing a party
be sure not to admit to any felonies

THE END

Grettir the Strong Wrecks Dudes’ Faces

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Shirts are in the mail!
if you preordered a crossdressing shirt
make sure to dig around in your envelope for your thank you note
they are handcrafted and dripping with organic gratitude

SO GRETTIR THE STRONG

he is the dude who steals fire
punches kids in the head
and for some reason has a really bad reputation in Norway
AND NOW HE’S AT IT AGAIN

so it’s around christmastime
and Grettir shows up at the house of some dude named Einar
he’s all yo dude lemme crash in your house
and Einar is all i’d rather not
I hear you are a wanted criminal who punches orphans
and Grettir is like whoa dude
that sounds like something an orphan would say
my orphan punching arm is getting kind of itchy
and einar is like I made a pile of all the beds
take them
do whatever you want with them

so but actually this ends up turning out pretty well for Einar
because
in the words of this saga:
“in many parts of norway at this time
outlaws and criminals would suddenly appear”
that’s right
this is the period of Norweigan history that inspired Gauntlet: Legends
so everyone is just chilling out
going about their business
when BAM
CRIMINALS
WHERE DID THEY COME FROM?
WHO KNOWS
THERE’S PROBABLY A GLOWING SHED ABOUT THIRTY FEET UPHILL
CONSTANTLY SPAWNING THESE FUCKERS
(if you have never played gauntlet
let me explain it real quick
it is basically a thing you can spend an infinite amount of time on
that contains absolutely no fun
sort of like mashed potatoes
it’s rad having a big bowl of mashed potatoes at dinner with all your bros
but when you are eating mashed potatoes alone in the dark at 2AM there is a problem
anyway I have a copy of it for the PS2 if anyone wants to buy it)
so these criminals have names
pretty sure
but i’m not picking up the book to look them up
it doesn’t matter because (SPOILER ALERT) they die
let me explain to you how that happens
because that is surely the most excellent part of this myth

ok so this brigand rolls up with his posse
like yo Einar
word on the street is that your wife has a vagina
and I was just telling my crew the other day
vaginas are my bread and butter
and I’ve already fucked all my bread and butter to pieces so how about that vagina
and Einar is like now normally I would say yes
but only if you were asking me a completely different question about something else
and this brigand is like ok well option two
I stab your face off
and Einar is like these are not great options you are giving me
i think I need to consult with my resident badass
HEY GRETTIR
and grettir is like wut
I was just about to go see if I could steal honey from some bees
maybe kick some bears in the nuts
nothing terrible has happened to me recently I think i’m losing my edge
and Einar is like no time for that what should I do about Mister Mcstabberson here?
and Grettir is like oh him?
dude whatever just ignore him he’ll go away
and Einar is like by go away do you mean stab my face off
at which point the dude is like T MINUS TEN SECONDS TO STABOFF
and Grettir is like dude chill out
we are not fighting dudes
are are all real groovy pacifists or whatever
and the berserker is all like I bet I could kick your ass
and grettir is like
“What is tested is known”
which is the Medieval Norse equivalent of
“That is not what your mom said last night”
and the berserker for some reason gets the idea that Grettir is stalling
so he does what any reasonable person would do in this situation
he starts EATING HIS SHIELD
he just basically stuffs the edge of his shield as far into his mouth as he can
and gives it a taste of the ol’ tongue tornado if you know what I mean
if you know what I mean you’re a fucking pervert
and I am not letting you near my shields
anyway this is the moment Grettir has been waiting for I guess?
because he just walks over to the berserker
checks him out for a second
then SIDEKICKS THE SHIELD THROUGH HIS FACE
and then as if that wasn’t enough
he grabs what’s left of the dude’s head
pulls him off his horse
steals his sword
and then decapitates him with it
all in the space of like three seconds
at which point the dude’s homies realize they are in wayyyyy over their heads
and they get the fuck out of there
and Grettir is like should I chase them?
nahhhh
and he goes back to causing problems for a while until he dies

so the moral of the story here is pretty straightforward
don’t put weapons in your mouth
i feel like you guys could have figured that out on your own
but if that’s true
then why did anyone bother writing this myth?

FOOD FOR THOUGHT.

Grettir the Strong Sets Dudes on Fire

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so here’s a myth today
to make up for the myth blogger wouldn’t let me post yesterday
WOO
also:
most of the shirts are going to get mailed out in a couple hours
but if you ordered a purple,
a light blue,
a light green,
a medium white,
or a medium or XL pink,
the earliest I can get those in the mail is tomorrow
because my shirt wholesaler is being a huge bitch
ANYWAY
today’s myth comes from a book
which was purchased for me by human machine gun
CHET “Read my lips: I am going to punch you in your lips” KAPOW

OKAY SO THERE’S THIS DUDE GRETTIR

he’s a pretty Norwiegan dude
but like old-style Norwiegan
with all the murdering and the swords and the swimming through ice cold water
and not being in a death metal band
because he is too busy being in a death metal LIFE
Grettir means Snake by the way
and his full name
and by full name I mean his name with a sweet nickname attached
is GRETTIR THE STRONG
so Snake the Strong
so Solid Snake
excellent

anyway this particular story takes place in the middle of a much larger story
which is basically just about how much ass Grettir regularly stomps
but also about how thoroughly shafted he gets by everyone at every turn
seriously this dude has the luck of the Irish
during the potato famine
too soon?

so Grettir is on this boat with a bunch of Merchants
who the fuck knows where he’s going
probably he is trying to hit up king Olaf
you remember
the guy who is all about chucking horsecocks at dogs
he’s kind of related to Olaf or something?
to be fair I think he’s also related to a guy named Ivar Horsecock
lotta horsecocks in Norway
but yeah he’s on this boat
and everyone on this boat is cold
because that’s what happens when you’re on a boat in Norway
and they’re all like BOY SOME FIRE SURE WOULD BE NICE
and then they look up at a hill on the other side of the bay
and there’s a BIGASS FIRE over there
and they’re like MAN
WOULDN’T IT BE COOL IF SOMEONE WENT AND GOT THAT FIRE
and Grettir is sitting there like MAN
wouldn’t it be cool if you guys stopped being pussies and went and got the fire?
and they’re like WHO’RE YOU CALLING PUSSY
PUSSY
and Grettir is like NO ONE CALLS ME A PUSSY
but I have a bad feeling about this
like I’m pretty sure this is going to end with me having some really shitty luck
and you guys not giving me any props for grabbing the fire
and the merchants are like NONSENSE
GO GET US FIRE

so Grettir does the sensible thing
which is strip naked
and put on just some pants
and a cowl
which is like a robe but just for your face
and then he jumps into the FREEZING COLD WATER
and he swims across the bay
and jumps out
and runs up to the place where the dudes are at
and woo look there is fire

uh ok a little backstory
apparently the dudes with the fire are the sons of some dude named Thorir
which seems to be a pretty popular name in these parts
because people wanna be named after Thor
and if anyone actually named themselves Thor THOR WOULD RUIN THEM
Thorir sent his kids to go work for king Olaf because he figures he owes Olaf a solid
because they are old buddies and one time they maybe built a boat?
so anyway that’s why his kids are there

so Grettir just busts straight into the hall with the fire
his cowl is frozen to his head in some kind of crazyshape
he’s huge
he looks like a fucking troll
and everyone is like GET AWAY FROM HERE YOU TROLL
THIS IS WHAT YOU GET
YOU GET BEAT WITH FLAMING LOGS
so everyone is hitting him with flaming logs but he doesn’t give a shit
because he’s fucking FROZEN
and in the process they set their own hall on fire
but Grettir doesn’t notice that
because he’s too busy walking out with some of their fire
and then he puts it in a barrel or something and drags it back across the frozen water to his merchant buddies
and they’re like YESSSSSSSS

but then the next morning they go to hit up the fire dudes
and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
EVERYONE GOT FIRED
there is just some bones and some ashes and whatever
and the merchants are like GRETTIR
WHAT DID YOU DO
and Grettir is like SEE I KNEW YOU GUYS WERE GONNA BE LIKE THIS
FUCK YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
and then the merchants devote all their time from that day on
to telling EVERYONE what an asshole Grettir is

so Grettir gets sick of this bullshit
and he goes and hits up King Olaf like yo
perhaps you have heard of me?
and Olaf is like yeah you’re that asshole with the burning
right?
and Grettir is like WRONG
I came all the way here to clear my name so you better cut the bullshit
and Olaf is like dude I’m gonna be honest with you
I don’t think you burned any dudes
but it’s pretty hard to prove that kind of shit
we don’t have cameras or police
or like
a judicial system
so how about we make you hold a red hot iron bar
like in that Arthurian legend about a couple of sexhungry emokids
and if it burns you we know you’re guilty
and Grettir is like SOUNDS AWESOME

so Grettir starts preparing to get his hands burned off
by like praying and not eating any food and whatever
and then the hand-burny day arrives
and he’s walking down the aisle to get his hands burned
when this BUTT-UGLY KID runs up to him
like OY
OY
GRETTIR
YOU’RE TOTALLY GUILTY WHO DO YOU THINK YOU’RE FOOLING
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
then he actually gives him the finger
that is a direct quote from the text
apparently they not only had the finger back in medieval Norway
but they had enough of them to give away
but so this pisses off Grettir so much
that he punches the kid in the head and the kid dies
at which point everybody starts punching everybody
and then Olaf is like Grettir
buddy
I was trying to help you out
with some red hot iron for your hands
not much I can do when you start using those hands for punching
and Grettir is like COME ON MAN
GIMME ANOTHER SHOT
and Olaf is like naw man no can do
you are one unlucky son of a bitch
looks like everyone is gonna have to hate you forever now
so go ahead and just get the fuck out of here
go to Iceland
I think there’s a prophecy that you’re supposed to die there or something
so that’s fun
and Grettir is like FINE
I’m LEAVING

so the moral of the story
you can’t get absolved for murder
if during your murder trial
you keep murdering people
or
to be more concise
you can’t have your cake and murder it too

THE END

It’s your birthday! Let’s talk about murder and slavery.

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4

fuck it I might as well just post it
i posted it several hours ago by accident anyway
and it’s like 10AM in sweden so LET’S DO THIS
BONUS POST GUYS

cause guess what
right now
somewhere in sweden
a dude named Isak is turning FIFTEEN YEARS OLD
IT IS THE YEAR FORETOLD IN PROPHECY
AND BECAUSE OF THIS IT IS TIME FOR MORE NORSE MYTH

I actually had some trouble picking a myth for this
because see in norse mythology
pretty much the only time anyone important gets born
is right at the fucking beginning
and then later when loki fucks Angrbothe
and she poops out a wolf and the world serpent and HELL
and then that other time when loki fucks a horse
and gives birth to a mutant horse
and I’ve already DONE all of those
so this is the closest I could get to some birth related shit:

alright so Thor

he is a dude who is romping and stomping pretty much 26 hours out of every 24
so WHERE DOES HE FIND TIME TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE?
ANSWER:
he doesn’t
he just murders the goats that pull his chariot
eats them
then IMMEDIATELY RESURRECTS THEM WITH MJOLNIR
so they are getting born like SEVERAL TIMES A DAY
THAT IS SO MANY BIRTHDAYS MY FRIENDS
oh yeah
forgot to tell you guys
Mjolnir can resurrect shit now?
also i guess put the meat back on bodies?
because i mean i can’t imagine it would be very humane
to just keep resurrecting goats
into an endless hell of fleshless torment
then again thor isn’t very humane
but he DOES like meat
so same difference
REMEMBER GUYS
THIS IS THE CLOSEST THING I COULD FIND TO A BIRTH MYTH
AFTER SEARCHING FOR ABOUT AN HOUR
THE KILLING-TO-BIRTH RATIO IN THIS PANTHEON
IS PRETTY FAR IN FAVOR OF THE KILLING

ANYWAY
one day thor is just tearing around the countryside
beating the shit out of mountains and showing rivers who’s boss
when he is like FUCK
i am kind of tired
better just barge into some random house and demand to sleep there
HEY GUYS WHAT’S GOOD
MIND IF I STAY IN YOUR HOUSE
PS
I CAN RIP YOU APART USING JUST TWO OF MY PREHENSILE TREE-TRUNK-SIZED PUBIC HAIRS
and the family who lives in the house is um yes
stay as long as you want

so thor gets ready to crash out
but then he thinks to himself
fuck
maybe i am kind of abusing the hospitality of my gracious hosts
in fact
pretty sure that’s exactly what i’m doing
HEY GUYS WANNA HELP ME EAT SOME GOATS?
and everyone is like WE THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER ASK
so they all settle down to eat them some goats
prolly thor has to resurrect the goats like 5 or 6 times
seeing as he has a track record of DEVOURING ENTIRE FEASTS BY HIMSELF
and they all just keep on eating
but what Thor did not count on
is that one of the kids in this house is a fucking moron
cause see there’s this dude Thialfi
who is like man these goats are delicious
but not as delicious as THE INSIDES OF THEIR BONES I BET
YUM
and he breaks open a bone and he sucks out the marrow
and it actually prolly tastes fairly shitty cause he only breaks one bone
and then thor goes to resurrect his goats and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ONE OF THEM HAS A BROKE-ASS LEG
and he is like THIALFIIIIII
YOU ARE MY SLAVE NOW FOREVER
and Thialfi is like bummer
and then he kind of has to follow Thor around
while Thor does stupid shit until Ragnarok

So the moral of the story is
don’t suck the marrow out of goat bones
why the fuck would you even do that?
the delicious part is the meat part
plus eating the meat part does not get you enslaved to a thunder god forever

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ISAK

The Greeks Do Not Have a Monopoly on Bestiality

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8

Ok so horsefucking

I promised it, and now i am delivering on that promise
i am delivering a big wet trough full of horsecock
you’re welcome

so this takes place after the Aesir and Vanir have stopped fighting
and the giants are pretty much leaving everyone alone
and everything is pretty okay
and so obviously Odin has to go and fuck it all up
by making a shitty deal with a giant
he is like hey giant
bet you can’t build a wall around my entire city
in the time it takes a woman to get preggers and pop out a baby
and the giant is like what do i get if I win
and odin is like hm shit
i’m kind of low on cash right now
how about freyja
also the sun and the moon
i don’t really need those anyway
so the giant is like sweet ok
and odin is like oh
and if you can’t finish the wall in time i get it for free
and the giant is like sure dude whatever

so a couple weeks later the giant shows up
along with a dude he brings along SPECIFICALLY for the purpose
of impregnating some chick
more or less turning her into a living hourglass
WITH BABIES INSTEAD OF SAND
and he is like ok i brought a dude
do you have any virgins he can borrow
you know
for sex
and odin is like oh yeah hold on
lemme just reach into my big sack of virgins
here’s one
go nuts
so the dude goes nuts
and the chick gets pregnant
and the next day WORK BEGINS

now Odin is pretty confident
that there is no way the giant can build a proper wall in time
like
Asgard is pretty much HUGE
I mean they had to build a six mile long feast hall
just to accommodate Thor’s LEFT NUT
so Odin just sits back and prepares to have a partially finished wall
TOTALLY FOR FREE
you don’t become a god by being bad with money guys
this is a fact

BUT OH SHIT WHAT IS THIS
the giant and his unreasonably strong horse
are putting up this wall LIKE IT IS GOING OUT OF STYLE
the chick with the baby is like
just barely starting to feel incredible discomfort
and the wall is ALMOST TOTALLY FINISHED
and Odin is like oh shit oh shit I might have to pay this giant
for all the work that he’s doing
that is UNACCEPTABLE
so he calls up loki like OH FUCK LOKI SOLVE MY PROBLEMS
and loki is like what why
and Odin is like REMEMBER HOW WE HAVE AN OATH OF KINSHIP
THAT MEANS YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT I SAY?
and Loki is like oh yeah
i guess that’s a thing we did
why the fuck did we do that
and Odin is like DOESN’T MATTER STALL THAT GIANT

so loki is like shiiiiit
i’m a pussy
I can’t stop a giant
but WAIT!
I can conquer his horse!
WITH SEX!
so he turns into a superhot sexalicious girlhorse
with her ladyparts all distended and pungent
and the manhorse gets a whiff of that shit
and is like I AM CALLING A TIME OUT ON ALL THIS WORKING
a SEX TIMEOUT
(guys feel free to use sex timeouts in your everyday life
i know you were all struggling for some way to justify
dropping everything you are doing
and just having a bunch of sex
well NOW YOU HAVE THAT JUSTIFICATION)
so then the giant is like fuuuuuuuuuck
how am i going to finish this wall without my powerhorse
I feel like I may have been cheated by odin just now
I’m going to go yell at him

so he goes to odin’s room like ODIN WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY HORSE
and odin is like i dunno what you’re talking about
and the giant is like FUCK THIS I’M TAKING FREYJA
and Freyja is like whoa what
because apparently Odin completely forgot to tell her about this deal
and the giant is like hey everyone
tough tacos
freyja is coming with me
and Freyja is like THORRRRR
and thor magically appears like what
oh you need me to kill a giant?
yeah alright
so he kills the giant
thus once again saving Odin from the consequences of his shitty actions

meanwhile Loki is off in the forest
getting his bone on with a megahorse
and a couple months later he finally comes back to Asgard
leading the horse
and also another SMALLER HORSE
but what this horse lacks in size
it makes up for in TOO MANY LEGS
yes sir
this is
THE OCTOHORSE
(aka Sleipnir)
and Odin is like oh shit horses
give me those
and loki is like NUP
I’m totally giving ultrahorse to Freyja
and Odin is like can I at least have octohorse
and Loki is like only if i don’t have to do what you say anymore
and Odin is like fuck
FINE
and loki is like sure you can have that horse
HAHA PRANKED IT CAME OUT OF MY HORSE VAGINA
and Odin is like ew ick
i still want the horse though

so the moral of the story
is if you want to murder your workmen instead of paying them
that is okay
but only if you REALLY don’t want to pay them

the end.

There Are Not a Lot of Things Freya Won’t Do For Jewelry

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6

Okay so apparently the overwhelming consensus is Freyja
I did not know how many fans I had who A:
Like freyja
and B:
use either a single letter or a single number for their WHOLE FUCKING NAME
HOWS THAT WORKING OUT FOR YOU A
ARE YOU ALWAYS FIRST ON ALPHABETICAL LISTS
OF ALL THE JERKS IN THE WORLD

but see apparently it is difficult to find a myth about Freyja
in which her main role
isn’t just as something people give each other
this is because THE NORSE APPEAR TO TREAT WOMEN AS CURRENCY
but don’t worry guys I found one
(plus a sweet one about horsefucking that I’ll tell some other day)

So Freyja right
she wakes up one morning
and she is like HOLY SHIT GOLD
I JUST HAD A WET DREAM ABOUT SOME
AND NOW I WANT SOME
but hm where should I get gold
oh wait
I live in a world with dwarves
WHAT A STUPID QUESTION

so she walks across town to drawftowne
and while she is walking loki sees her and he is like fuuuuuuuck
that chick looks like she is about to get some TREASURE
I want to RUIN THAT ACCOMPLISHMENT FOR HER
because I am Loki and that is basically all I do
AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN

so Loki follows Freyja all the way to goldfuckopolis
hometown of the dwarves
or at least four dwarves
Alfrigg, Dvalinn, Berling and Grerr
four shitty names for four shitty people
and sitting on their bukakke pedestal
is just the most pants-shittingly fantastic display of golduggery
EVER
(golduggery is exactly like skulduggery
except instead of doing crimes you do gold)
it is this INDESCRIBABLY VALUABLE NECKLACE
it is SO INDESCRIBABLE
that all the norse scribes purposefully lost most of the text of this myth
and no one actually knows what it looks like
or even if it is a necklace really
we’re kind of just guessing here
more or less based on the fact that a necklace is the only form of gold
that could accomodate four dwarfdicks simultaneously
MAN I HATE DWARVES SO MUCH

and so does Freyja
so when these four skeezy dwarfs pop out she is like ew fuck
I mean hey guys how’s it going
think i could have this necklace or whatever it is?
i REEEEEEALLY like it
I’ll pay you GOLD for it
and the dwarves are like we don’t need any more gold
WHOA RECORD SCRATCH
Did you just hear what I heard?
DWARVES
do not need more
GOLD
these are clearly not four dwarves
but rather eight babies in four dwarfsuits
this is the only explanation

and see that just makes the next part weirder
because then freyja is like ok shit well i basically just have gold
credit cards haven’t been invented nor has investment banking
and the dwarves are like WELL YOU HAVE A VAGINA
HOWSABOUT WE ALL USE THAT FOR LIKE 24 HOURS APIECE
and freyja is like hm
…
okay!

so each of the dwarves fucks freyja for a solid day/night cycle
and they are very civil about it and no one minds getting sloppy seconds
or hot carls or ANYTHING
and at the end of the four days the dwarves are like welp
we’re about as sexually satisfied as we are ever going to be
in our sad sad lives
here
have this necklace
and freyja is like SWEET
this was ALMOST worth debasing myself in this manner!
and meanwhile Loki
who, remember, followed freyja here
is like DAMN I WISH I HAD FILMED THAT
I BET THERE’S A WHOLE INTERNET FETISH ABOUT THIS KIND OF SHIT
oh well i guess i can just settle for ruining her accomplishment
like i planned

so Freyja goes home to enjoy her necklace and take a long shower
and loki hauls ass over to odin’s place
and loki is like odin odin guess what
I know i’m the god of lying all the time
but you gotta trust me when I say
freyja just fucked four dwarves for a necklace
and odin is like yeah that sounds like freyja
I mean WHAT
IIIIII WANTED TO FUCK FREYJA
WE ALL WANTED TO FUCK FREYJA
EVERY GODDAMN GIANT IN JOTUNHEIM WANTS TO FUCK FREYJA
AND ALL WE HAD TO DO ALL THESE YEARS WAS OFFER HER JEWELRY?
UNACCEPTABLE
LOKI GO STEAL HER NECKLACE
and loki is like did somebody say STEALING
and odin is like yes loki that was me that said that
but loki doesn’t hear him because he is already at Freyja’s place
STEALING

so he gets to freyja’s place and the door is locked
he is like what the fuck freyja why you gotta value privacy
maybe because you do shit like fuck four dwarves
so he turns into a fly and tries to find a way in
and FINALLY he flies in through a crack in the roof
but there are EVEN MORE PROBLEMS
because Freyja is sleeping on her back
with the clasp of her necklace completely inaccessible
so loki turns into a flea and mauls the fuck out of her fucking cheek
causing her to spaz out and flip over
and then loki turns into loki and just steals her necklace
and waltzes his merry way home

so Freyja wakes up
notices her necklace is gone
notices her door is open
and is like DAMMIT LOKI
but wait
Loki wouldn’t do this on his own
he’s too much of a pussy
DAMMIT ODIN
but wait how did Odin know about my necklace
DAMMIT LOKI
wait but how the fuck am I ever going to find loki
IM GONNA GO YELL AT ODIN

so she shows up at odin’s place
like WHAT THE FUCK DICKFISH GIMME BACK MY NECKLACE
and Odin is like WELL WELL WELL
IF IT ISN’T SLUT CITY
HEY I HAVE SOME BRASS PLATES AND A SHINY ROCK
WANNA GIVE ME A RIMJOB OR SOMETHING THEY’RE ALL YOURS
and Freyja is like VERY FUNNY ASSHOLE
and Odin is like I BET YOU WON’T THINK MY ASSHOLE IS THAT FUNNY
WHEN YOU ARE GIVING ME A RIMJOB
but seriously i am really scandalized by what you did
so i’m going to punish you
and Freyja is like aw frig
what’s it gonna be
and Odin is like ok well i’ll let you have the necklace back
but only if you make all the races of men in Midgard
fight wars forever
oh wait that’s not really a puniAND FREYJA IS LIKE YES DONE THANK YOU
and then there is war forever
but at least freyja looks pretty

so the moral of the story
is that apparently women ARE currency
but be careful
try and purchase a sandwich with its equivalent dollar value in women
and what you may end up with is CEASELESS WARS

THE END.

Whatever it’s only 2:30 AM

Posted on by
7

So this other time

Loki is flying through the woods in jotunheim
dunno what he’s doing
probably looking for some hot giant poon
but what he finds
is the exact opposite of that
because this giant Geirrod
(read: Gayrod)
puts grabs his ass and locks him in a chest made of ice
and loki is like dammit let me out
and Geirrod is like NOUP
and Loki is like come on man
pretty hungry
might starve to death
(also remember norse gods are not immortal for some reason
they can die for basically ANY REASON)
and Geirrod is like ok here’s what i’ll do
i’ll let you go
provided you convince thor to get his ass over here
without any weapons or magic girdles or wisecracking animal pals or anything
and Loki is like sure dude trust me
betraying my friends is WHAT I DO

so Geirrod lets him go
and Loki goes back to Asgard
and is like hey Thor
there is something super important going on in Jotunheim
but only people who have no weapons
or magic girdles
or wisecracking animal pals
can see it
so you’re gonna need to leave that shit behind
WAIT HOLD ON
WHY IS LOKI DOING THIS
GEIRROD ALREADY STUPIDLY RELEASED HIM FROM THE ICE CHEST
HE HAS NO LEVERAGE
So either geirrod is holding onto some very risque polaroids
of loki daintily dabbing his ballsack on some giantess’s adam’s apple
or Loki is basically just doing this TO BE A DICK
but EITHER WAY
thor agrees to do this
LIKE AN IDIOT
and thor and loki head over to jotunheim
and on the way they stay with this giant chick
and she is like where are you going
and Thor is like im supposed to see this dude geirrod
and the giant chick is like psh dude
you know he’s gonna try and kill you right?
and Thor is like DAMMIT LOKI
WAS THAT GOING TO BE THE SUPER IMPORTANT THING
WAS IT GOING TO BE GEIRROD KILLING ME
and loki is like well i mean that is a possibility
look dude you have to learn not to do things just because I tell you to
I LIE Thor
I am the GOD of lying
but it’s ok
because the giant chick happens to have a bunch of weapons
that are BASICALLY IDENTICAL IF NOT BETTER THAN THOR’S SHIT
also it fits him somehow

So the next day they have to wade through some fucking river
and it just keeps getting higher and higher
and they are like OH SHIT GONNA DROWN
NEVERMIND THAT LOKI HAS ALREADY DEMONSTRATED HIS ABILITY TO FLY
NO
FUCK THAT
INSTEAD THOR THROWS A ROCK AT THE EVIL GIANT CHICK WHO IS FUCKING WITH THE WATER
Yet another problem solved THANKS TO VIOLENCE
so then they show up at Geirrod’s place
and Geirrod is like oh hey thor whats up
why dont you just sit on this single chair
in the middle of this VERY LARGE ROOM
while i go somewhere else for a while
so thor sits down
LIKE AN IDIOT
and all of a sudden the chair starts rising
because apparently Geirrod’s 2 kids were hiding under it
and now they are trying to crush thor against the ceiling
but thor just takes this unbreakable iron rod out of his pocket
and braces it against the ceiling
and breaks those giants’ BACKS
YAHHHHHHHHHHHH
and then Geirrod comes back in
and is like DAMMIT YOU KILLED MY DAUGHTERS
I TOLD THEM THIS WAS A SHITTY IDEA FOR A TRAP
COME ON
YOU’RE A GIANT
AND YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE A PLAN THAT REVOLVES
AROUND YOUR OPPONENT NOT SEEING YOU HIDING UNDER A FUCKING CHAIR?
TWO OF YOU?
I THINK MY DAUGHTERS WERE ACTUALLY PRETTY STUPID NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT
ANYWAY I’M GOING TO KILL YOU NOW
and he throws a red hot fireplace poker at thor
but thor just catches it in his unbreakable iron gauntlets
and then throws it THROUGH AN IRON PILLAR
DIRECTLY INTO GEIRROD’S SKULL
thus making the all time top ten list
of MOST METAL WAYS TO KILL SOMEONE
and then everyone lives happily ever after
or at least until some new bullshit occurs

so let this be a lesson to all would be evil masterminds
the best way to kill your arch-nemesis is NOT
I repeat
IS NOT
to ask his notoriously untrustworthy friend to act as your agent
then rely heavily on a trap composed solely of your daughters and a chair
at least spring for some fucking henchmen
seriously

The end.

The Norse Can Never Have Enough Booze

Posted on by
14

Alright so Aegir right

he is having this HUGE PARTY
or rather
he WANTS to have a huge party
but he has one problem
and when you’re dealing with norse gods
this is a problem that is pretty easy to have
the problem
is that aegir
DOES NOT HAVE ENOUGH BOOZE
okay now let’s put this in perspective
you see over the course of the average norse god party
the average norse god
consumes enough ale
to give alcohol poisoning TO A TRAIN
and not just any train
one of those carnival trains like you see painted on kids’ walls
with all the animals in them
giraffe?
DEAD
monkeys?
DEAD
elephant?
LYING IN A PUDDLE OF VOMIT
TRYING TO DRUNK DIAL HIS EX GIRLFRIEND WITH HIS MASSIVE ELEPHANT FEET
AN ELEPHANT NEVER FORGETS MY FRIENDS
AN ELEPHANT NEVER FORGETS
so obviously Aegir has kind of a problem

but fortunately Aegir also has a solution
he is like hey Thor
you’re good at taking things from people right?
and Thor is like SHIT YEAH
and Aegir is like sweet man
howsabout you head on over to Hymir’s place in Jotunheim
and get his magic cauldron
which i can use to brew NEARLY LIMITLESS ALE
and thor is like whoa shit i get to kill giants
AND I get to get trashed afterwards?
I WISH THERE WAS A WAY I COULD DO THIS TWICE AT THE SAME TIME

so Thor hits up his buddy Tyr
who happens to also be Hymir’s son
and the two of them set out to get them some cauldron
so first they run into Tyr’s mom
who is just this 900 headed amalgamation of butt-ugly
Thor is like WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT
and Tyr is like hey mom
think we can borrow dad’s cauldron to go get shitfaced
and Tyr’s mom is like SOUNDS GOOD TO ME BUT YOU’LL HAVE TO ASK MY HUSBAND

so they go ask Hymir
and Hymir is like FIRST EAT FOOD WITH ME
and thor basically dicks everyone out of a meal
by just straight up devouring TWO OXEN AT ONCE
So Hymir is like shit son
if you’re gonna keep eating my food
we are going to have to get more food
i guess we’re going whaling tomorrow

SO THEY GO WHALING
But that is apparently not hardcore enough for thor
because before they leave
he straight rips the head off Hymir’s best ox
basically just being a dick for little to no reason
and then while Hymir is busy catching two whales
Thor does one better
and catches THE FUCKING MIDGARD SERPENT
he drags that fucker up to the surface
and it pulls him down so hard
his feet bust through the floor of the boat
HYMIR’S BOAT, mind you
and he is just standing on the seafloor
beating the serpent with his hammer
pretty much playing the manliest game of tug of war EVER

but Hymir gets the bajeezus scared out of him by this serpent
and he is like FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK
and he cuts thor’s fishing line
and the serpent gets away
and thor is like DAMMIT ASSHOLE
WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF SOME KIND OF GRUESOME DEATH OR SOME SHIT
WELL THIS IS WHAT YOU GET
YOU GET HIT BY HAMMERS
and thor hits him with his hammer
and Hymir falls out of the boat
then thor drags him and his whales and the boat back to Hymir’s castle
like dude can I have your cauldron yet
come on i’m trying to get drunk here

so Hymir realizes he is just being emasculated at a pretty astonishing rate
so he is like ALRIGHT FINE
BUT YOU GOTTA PASS A TEST FIRST
BREAK THIS CRYSTAL GOBLET
so thor is like shit dude
no problem
breaking things is like
what i do
and he takes that goblet
and chucks it at a stone pillar
but the PILLAR busts open instead
no explanation is ever given for this
you would think it was an enchanted glass or something huh
but it’s not
because the next thing thor does is he throws the glass at Hymir’s FACE
and it breaks
and Hymir is like OWW DAMMIT WHATEVER DUDE
JUST GET OUT OF MY HOUSE
JUST
GET OUT
YOU ATE ALL MY FOOD
YOU KILLED MY BEST OXEN
YOU RUINED MY BOAT
AND I THINK YOU JUST BROKE MY FACE
TAKE THE FUCKING CAULDRON I DONT EVEN GIVE A SHIT ANYMORE
so thor takes the cauldron
which is a mile deep by the way
he just picks it up on his head and carries it home
and the gods spend the rest of the night inventing new levels of drunk

so the moral of the story is
if you are trying to have a sweet party
but you don’t have enough booze
just beat the shit out of your friend’s dad
he’s prolly over 21 he can hook you up

the end.

Loki is still a dick, but also covered in poison

Posted on by
5

Ok i’m sorry guys

one of the three of you who reads my blog on a regular basis
tells me that the story of loki being a dick to baldur
does not end just because baldur happens to be dead
it gets significantly worse
so i am going to tell you the rest of it
NOW

ok so Baldur is dead
and everyone is sad
and they set his body in fire
you know
like you do
and then his wife is so sad she dies
so they set her on fire too
and then Frigga is sad
but instead of dying
she gets the universe to agree to this stupid bargain
which is that if everybody cries about baldur he comes back to life
but loki WILL NOT STOP BEING A DICK
EVEN FOR A SECOND
so he disguises himself as some giantess
(that is a female giant)
named Thok
and refuses to lament baldur
even though he could have totally just refused to lament baldur normally
without disguising himself or anything
loki just has to make shit overly complicated
that is just who he is

so anyway then baldur fails to come back to life
and the gods are like FUCK LOKI
WHAT IS THIS
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
and loki is like i dunno i thought it would be funny
and the gods are like guess what cockbark
it is not funny at all
and loki is like oh fuck better leave
so he turns into a salmon for a bit
and hides under a waterfall
but the gods find him
and they try to catch him but he jumps like a motherfucker
but it is ok because thor catches him
like just as much of a motherfucker
and then they take him
and chain him to a rock
in a cave
under a snake
which constantly drools venom all over his eyes
until the end of the fucking world
proving that no matter how crafty you are
eventually your friends will figure shit out
and douse your eyes with poison
so maybe you should be nice to your friends sometimes

the end.

What the fuck Loki

Posted on by
22

Guys this is a very important post
because it has two very important informations in it
one is that i am like a third of the way through linking up all the posts
you can see a fine example of the kind of bullshit that is happening here

SECOND ANNOUNCMENET
i have decided fuck video myths
at least until i am no longer on the road
because finding internet to post 5-7 videos is fucking exhausting
and the quality is shite anyway
BUT NEVER FEAR
BECAUSE LISTEN GUYS
The next time I get a total of 20 bucks from you assholes
I am going to post a rap
about a MYTH
like right now I am working on a rap version of Oedipus Rex
(which you may recall was the first ever myth on this blog)
So give me money and I will give you raps
don’t believe I can do it? WELL FUCK YOU.

ANYWAY

Holy shit guys this myth pisses me off

so basically what happens
is there is this god Baldur
he’s real pretty and everybody loves him
and he knows it
but he’s not a prick about it or anything
but then SUDDENLY
Baldur starts having this shitty terrible nightmares
that are just like HEY BALDUR
GONNA DIE BALDUR
GONNA GONNA DIE

so baldur goes to Odin
all like waah dad i had a bad dream
and odin is like OH FUCK SON
WE GOTTA GO ASK SOME DEAD WITCHES ABOUT THIS SHIT
so he rides his weird octopus horse sliepnir
all the way to the grave of this chick Volva
only i dont know why she has a grave cuz she’s not really dead
she just kind of pretends to be dead all the time
and tells the future
so basically like some kind of psychic emo possum
anyway odin shows up all like WAKE UP BITCH
and volva is like WHAT
and Odin is like I passed Hel on the way here
and they looked like they were bout to have some kind of hootenanny
WHY IS THIS
and Volva is like oh your son’s gonna die
this is NOT the answer Odin wanted to hear

so he goes back to Asgard
and he is like hey frigga i have good news and bad news
and frigga is like give me the good news first
and odin is like our son is going to die
and frigga is like FUCK THAT’S NOT GOOD NEWS
and odin is like oh shit yeah i forgot
there is no good news
there is only bad news
so yeah

then frigga calls all the gods together
and she is like guys what the fuck
who is plotting to kill my son
and they are like what
we like Baldur why would we do that
what are we some kind of band of scheming murdering assholes?
and loki is like I am
and everyone is like shut the fuck up Loki

so since obviously this is accomplishing nothing
frigga decides to go out
and singlehandedly make EVERYTHING PROMISE NOT TO KILL BALDUR
not everyONE mind you
but everyTHING
like fire and dandelions and refrigerators and tornadoes
like have you ever played katamari damacy
it is like one of those fucking lists the king of all cosmos rattles off
during the loading screen for every level
like someone gave acid to a random number generator and hit it with a shovel
she is just like guys
kill whoever you want as long as it isn’t baldur
and everything is like yeah sure no problem
we like baldur
baldur’s hot

so pretty soon baldur is indestructible by default
just basically because everything abjectly refuses to kill him
and his brothers think this is funny as shit
in fact they keep having parties
that consist solely of duct taping their brother to a wall
and throwing shit at him
i feel like they are not the first brothers to have ever done this
but they are definitely the first to get away with it

but for some reason
and seriously guys
i have NO IDEA what that reason might be
loki is not okay with this
so what he does
is he dresses up as a woman
(the guy likes to feel pretty, ok)
but an OLD woman
and then he sidles up to frigga
who is watching her sons throw weapons at her other son
and is like hey what the fuck is going on over there
and freyja is like oh its fine
everything in the entire world has promised not to kill baldur
except that mistletoe over there
but that’s just because it is too young and easily influenced to make promises
pretty safe, huh
and loki is like YESSSS
UNBELIEVABLY SAFE

so of course loki grabs that nubile young mistletoe
and sharpens the fuck out of it
and puts it on a spear
and then he goes and finds Baldur’s sad blind brother Hoder
who is like boo hoo i want to throw shit at my brother
but no one will let me have a weapon cuz i’m blind
and loki is like OH THE INJUSTICE
JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE IS BLIND DOESN’T MEAN
THAT SHE SHOULDN’T BE ABLE
TO HURL DEADLY WEAPONS AT HIS FAMILY
HERE TAKE THIS SPEAR
and hoder is like AWESOME THIS DOESN’T SOUND LIKE A BAD IDEA AT ALL
and he flings the spear
and for some reason manages to hit Baldur DIRECTLY IN HIS HEART
guys
HODER IS BLIND
THIS IS SPECIFICALLY WHY HE IS NOT ALLOWED TO THROW SHIT
WHY IS HE SO ACCURATE SUDDENLY
AAAAAAAAAA

anyway then baldur dies obviously
and everyone is really sad because they liked him
and now he is dead forever
man being a god in norse mythology doesn’t have all the perks it should

anyway the point here is
WHAT THE FUCK DID LOKI HAVE TO GAIN FROM THIS
it’s like
all you have to do
is REALLY REALLY want something not to happen
like the end of the world or your son dying or spiders erupting out your dick
and loki will MAKE THAT SHIT HAPPEN

so i guess the moral of the story
is if you are trying to get a bunch of stuff to promise not to murder someone
don’t forget to get LOKI in on that shit
seriously man what the fuck
i am getting rageblisters all over my body from this shit

the end i guess