It is an indication of how my tastes change over time
that I apparently thought this story sucked the first time I read this book
either that or it is an indication
of how stupid past-me is

OKAY SO T’IEH-KUAI LI RIGHT?
keep that name firmly in your mind
because I swear that’s the only time I’m typing that
but anyway so this guy is a taoist immortal
he is already a taoist immortal BEFORE THIS STORY EVEN STARTS
he’s super adept at longevity and spirit travel
which basically means he can shoot his ghost out of his body
and then make it do things
like get groceries and shit
it’s a pretty cool trick and everyone is jealous
and it doesn’t help that this guy is like SUPER HOT
because of the longevity and secret taoist herbs and stuff
and he’s way proud of that
because I mean
why wouldn’t he be?

So one day
all the taoist immortals get invited to a sweet party up in
uh
wherever the hell these dudes hang out
so this guy goes to his servant and he’s like hey
dude
gonna shoot my ghost out of my body and into space
so i can go to a sweet party
hang out here and watch my body for a while, k?
just make sure it doesn’t like
get eaten by wolves or anything
and uh
we immortals
we tend to party pretty hard
I mean
we’re immortals
so if I’m not back in a week
just burn my corpse, ok
I’m probably so drunk it doesn’t matter
and the servant is like SURE THING BOSS

so this immortal dude goes ahead and vomits his soul up
and the servant sits there for DAYS
waiting for him to come back
shooing away pesky wolves
until the morning of the seventh day arrives
and a messenger shows up like HEY
SERVANT
YOUR MOM’S DYING
YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GO SAY WHAT’S UP
and the servant is like aw fuck
the week isn’t technically over yet
but you know what
it’s been seven days
fuck it
so he sets the corpse on fire and goes to say what’s up to his dying mom
and like TEN MINUTES LATER the ghost shows up
and he sees his body on fire
and he’s like AWWWWW FUCK
oh well
I guess sometimes
your body just catches on fire
what are you gonna do?

and that’s a good question actually
because without a body
this dude is fucked
his ghost can’t last forever
he still needs some flesh to roll around in
PLUS
he’s super hung over and he could really go for a burrito
and ghosts don’t have mouths
so he’s floating around looking for a body
and he’s getting pretty desperate
when FINALLY
he discovers a dead hobo
decaying by the roadside
and he’s like aw man
do I have to
but burrito hunger is a powerful thing my friends
and he finally mans up and crawls inside the smelly hobo corpse
and that is how the most handsome of all the Taoist immortals
became a gross-ass hobo with a metal crutch

SO THE MORAL OF THE STORY
is don’t hire servants with moms
or else one of these days
it is going to come down to a decision
between their mom
and setting your corpse on fire

THE END.

So Wei Po-Yang

he’s this chinese dude
super into the arts of alchemy
but not the stupid bullshit arts of alchemy
like turning mercury into gold
or shit into sausages
no
wei po-yang is all about transmuting dying
into NEVER DYING
in other words he is trying to make a pill
that will make him immortal

to that end
at eighteen
he goes up in the mountains
and builds a little house
and spends all his time rooting through the woods
for herbs
and minerals

somehow Po-Yang gets three students
one of them is a dumbass
but he’s a pretty nice guy
the other two are cleverdicks to the max
and Po-Yang gets to thinking hm
my cleverdick students are devious
and they prolly don’t give a shit about the tao
they just wanna live forever
I WILL CONDUCT A TEST

so he calls his three students together
like guys
hey
i made the pill of immortality
check it out
and his students are all like WHOAWAOWOWOAWOWOHOAW
and Po-Yang is like I WILL TEST IT ON MY DOG
so he gives the pill to his dog
and then the dog
stops moving and breathing
and the smart students are like aw fuck
looks like we fucked up again
and Po-Yang is like no not necessarily
maybe it has a different effect on humans
who wants to test it
anyone?

so when none of his students are like YES GIVE ME DEATH PILL
Po-Yang is like fine I’ll try it
and he takes a pill
and does a faceplant into the dirt
and stops breathing

so then his two smart students are like welp
looks like Po-Yang succeeded in making
the exact opposite of the pill of immortality
it would be pretty stupid for us to take those pills now
having witnessed TWO SEPERATE LIVING BEINGS DIE
after ingesting them
time to cut our losses and go
and never tell anyone because they might think we killed him
PEACE

so they get the fuck out of there
leaving dopey mcdumb to stare blankly at his teacher’s corpse
and finally he gets up like hmmmm
master has always been super cautious
SURELY he wouldn’t eat a pill he thought would kill him
even though that is clearly what he did
I think I’LL take one of these poison capsules
so he takes one
and then goes to sit down
and wait to die i guess
when suddenly Wei Po-Yang stands up
like CHARLIE YOU HAVE INHERITED MY CHOCOLATE FACTORY WELL DONE
and then his dog wakes up too!
and then all three of them go shooting up to heaven
even though i’m pretty sure this is just like
a death-induced hallucination
being had by the dead student
as he lies twitching on the ground
foaming at the mouth

except then the two smartasses heading back down the mountain
see the two men and the dog flying through the air
like WOOF WOOF MOTHERFUCKERS
and they’re like OH NO WHAT
WHAT HAPPENED
HOW DID OUR SELF-PRESERVATION INSTINCTS
ACTUALLY END UP DENYING US IMMORTALITY
so they run back up to Po-Yang’s crib
but his fire has gone out
and there are no more pills
so they have to be mortal FOREVER
or i guess until they die

moral of the story
if a charismatic religious figure offers you a pill
eat it
even if it has been clearly demonstrated
numerous times
to be deadly poison
in fact
especially in that case
take two if you can
take a dozen
take all of them
come on don’t you want to be immortal

The end.

So there’s this cat Cheng Wei

he’s some kind of chinese nobleman or whatever
who gives a shit
this story isn’t really about him
it’s more about
what an asshole he is
and also about his wife
whose name i have no way of knowing

anyway one day Cheng Wei is being a puss nexus
like WAAAAAH
WAAAAH
I’VE GOT A BIG OL MEETING IN AN HOUR
WITH LIKE THE EMPEROR OR SOMETHING
AND I ORDERED A SILK ROBE
AND IT IS NOT READY YET
WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO

and his wife is like chill dude
and she waves her hands
and two bolts of silk appear on the table
and then she waves her hands
and the silk becomes a really sweet robe
way to take all the skill out of robemaking by the way
but so then she gives the robe to Chen Wei
like BAM
THE DAY IS SAVED
THANKS TO MY WEIRD FASHION MAGIC
and her husband is like thanks
but also i am secretly jealous
of your weird fashion magic

so both Chen Wei and his wife
have a hobby
this hobby
is called ALCHEMY
so while some people like to spend their evenings
having sex and smoking opium
these two spend their evenings
not having sex and turning mercury into gold
or at least trying
see Cheng Wei sucks at alchemy
he could not even transmute bacon
into slighly less bacon
he is just really shitty at this

but then one night
after a long evening of solitary failure
cheng wei walks past his wife’s laboratory
yeah
she totally has a laboratory
and he looks in and sees something glinty in her hands
and he busts in like BITCH
DID YOU MAKE GOLD AND NOT TELL ME
and his wife is like yeah what of it
and Chen Wei is like WELL
WE COULD HAVE BEEN MAKING TWICE AS MUCH GOLD
DO YOU HEAR ME
DOUBLEGOLD
and his wife is like sure ok
but you aren’t destined to learn alchemy
so fuck that
go away

so then Cheng Wei goes away
but he’s SUPER PISSED about it
and he starts trying to like
bribe his wife into telling him the secret
using gold and jewels
and his wife is like psh
i can MAKE gold and jewels
out of PISS and CARDBOARD
fuck off
so then Cheng Wei gets DOUBLE PISSED
and he hits up his friend
like hey
why dont you go beat up my wife for alchemy secrets
if you get me some secrets
i will make you rich i promise

so Cheng Wei’s friend
we’ll call him Cheng Asshole
comes up with a plan
that involves poisoning Cheng Wei’s wife
and then withholding the antidote
but she figures out that this is what is going on
and she goes to her husband like
hey Cheng Wei
hey
certain people just aren’t destined
to receive the tao
okay?
maybe i’ll meet a guy on the street tomorrow
and decide to teach him alchemy
because of destiny
maybe i will never tell anyone
and Cheng Asshole will poison me and i will vomit my uterus
either way
quit being a dick

then she goes to her room
gets naked
smears mud all over her body
and goes streaking out of town
like BLUH BLUH BLUH BLUH
TOTALLY CRAZY NOW GUYS
and her husband tries to chase her
but she has crazy legs
and so can’t be stopped

later all the townspeople
see a crazy woman go shooting up towards heaven
to live with the immortals
and meanwhile Cheng Wei
spends the rest of his life
trying to make the pill of immortality
and turn mercury into gold
and fails at both things
and is bitter and sad forever

moral of the story?
never marry someone smarter than you
they will just end up smearing their naked body with mud
and ascending to heaven

The End

Oh hey so first of all guys
Good news
I just got TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS DONATED TO ME
by loving fan(s)
through the medium of the INTERNET
so i am going to pass the joy i feel in my heart
along to you
in the form of the first ever ULTRA VIDEO MYTH
as in tomorrow I am going to post a totally new
totally sweet myth
that i have never written down
and i am just going to scream it into the camera
and it is going to come flying out of your speakers and monitor
and just utterly rip off your face
and then i am going to have to find new readers for my blog
so for my sake
when you come to this website tomorrow
please
hold on to your faces
hold on tight

now to the pleasure part of this business
you are about to hear a story
about magic
and poop
and i wish i could say the magic was the most important part

So Fei Chang-fang right
he’s interested in the tao from a very early age
and then at a slightly less early age
he becomes a police officer
but then he quits because fuck the police

so then one day Chang-fang is hanging out at a restaurant
and he sees this old man
come walking into the town square
and sit down
and pull some medicinal herbs
cough cough
out of a large gourd
and sell them all day

now chang-fang
having just quit his job
has nothing better to do
than sit in the restaurant
and watch this dude sell drugs all day
so that’s what he does
and at the end of the day
the old dude puts all his herbs back into the gourd
and then
shoop
jumps into the gourd himself
and chang-fang just sits there like

what

so he comes back to the restaurant every day
for like the next week
and the old guy does the same thing every day
and finally chang-fang is like
fuck it i’m gonna go talk to this dude
so he gets up
and walks across the courtyard
but right when he is about to get up in the old guy’s shit
the old guy goes SHOOP MOTHERFUCKER
and jumps into his gourd
so Chang-Fang goes and looks in the gourd
and i will be DAMNED my friends
if there isn’t an entire fucking HOUSE in that gourd
(clarification: there is
there is definitely a house in that gourd)
and the old dude is sitting in there
and he walks right up to the mouth of the gourd
and looks chang-fang right in the eye
and is like HOW DID YOU SEE ME GO INTO THE GOURD
ONLY PEOPLE
WHO CAN LEARN MAGIC
CAN SEE ME GO INTO THE GOURD
DO YOU WANT TO LEARN MAGIC
HERE
COME HAVE LUNCH IN MY GOURD

so chang-fang jumps into the gourd with the old dude
and they have a tasty lunch
and they have many tasty lunches for days afterwards
and discuss the mysteries of the tao

now this could be the end of the story right here
but i think that we can all agree
that that would be pretty lame
and some of you out there are probably thinking to yourselves
hold on
didn’t he promise us some poop
i want to see some poop
well hold your poophorses my friends
because this story is just getting started

so one day the old man in the gourd is like
hey chang-fang
i have a confession to make
i am actually a taoist immortal
imprisoned on earth for breaking the laws of heaven
they make me sell drugs down here
to atone
probably
for selling drugs up there
anyway I get out tomorrow
and i’m totally going back to the immortal kingdom
do you want to come

and Chang-Fang is like DO I
fuck do i?
cause see
Chang-fang has a family
and he doesn’t want them to worry about him
and the old dude is like boy do i have a solution for that
here
take this bamboo stick
and hang it from a tree in front of your house
so chang-fang does
and then his parents come outside
and they see the stick
only instead of a stick they see THEIR SON
HE KILLED HIMSELF THEY ARE SO SAD
and they start crying
and meanwhile chang-fang is like guys
guys
totally not dead guys
standing right here
right next to the stick you are crying about
but they don’t see or hear him
so the old man is like welp
looks like i just destroyed your only reason
for not coming with me
wanna come with me?
and Chang-Fang is like yeah ok

so they journey to the immortal mountains
which are some pretty sweet mountains
let me tell you
i mean actually that’s all i know about them
never having been there or anything
but trust me they are pretty sweet

so the old man leads chang-fang into a cave
and he is like sit down on this slab of rock
and chang-fang does
and then the old man is like WAM BAM WIZZOW
and conjures a huge rock over chang-fang’s head
suspended by a puny-ass rope
and then he’s like FIZZANG PACHOW BLORB
and summons a bunch of snakes
that start biting the shit out of the rope
and the rope starts to fray
and chang-fang is just like yawn
i see you have some snakerope
well done i guess

so the old man is like NICE!
you can totally learn magic and divination
alright follow me
and he leads him up a mountain pass
and then
wait for it guys
wait for it
he waves his hands
and ABRA KADABRA
IT’S POOPTIME
seriously there is just so much poop all of a sudden
just a massive pile of poops
and do you know what it is covered in
not marshmallows
or peanut brittle
MAGGOTS
JUST A WHOLE BUNCH OF MAGGOTS
and the old man grabs three maggots
and is like here Chang-fang
here are some maggots for you to eat
and chang-fang is like what no
and the old man is like aww man
i thought you were cool
looks like you don’t get to be an immortal
EVER
and chang-fang is like i guess that’s ok
if being an immortal means i have to eat poopmaggots
wait actually
what i meant to say
is i’m totally cool with not being immortal
as long as i can use my powers to help people
and make their lives better
by the way do you have any magic gifts for me
and the old man is like well
since you have SUCH A GOOD HEART
you can have my gourd full of drugs
and you can have this magical walking stick
just tap it on the ground
and it will teleport you wherever you wanna go
really not much of a walking stick
more of a teleporting stick
anyway GOODBYE AND I WILL NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN

so then chang-fang kind of starts to wonder
how his parents are doing
and he teleports home
and knocks on his door
all like hey dad what’s up HOLY SHIT YOU’RE OLD
and his dad is like OH FUCK A GHOST
so no one is happy all of a sudden
but then chang-fang is like calm down dad
i’m not a ghost
i just pranked you into burying a bamboo stick
and thinking it was me
here we’ll go dig it up
so they do
and then everyone is happy again
and they have a banquet
but chang-fang is confused
because all his relatives
are mega old for some reason
and he is like mom why are you guys so old
i was only gone for like
a day
and his mom is like WRONG SON
YOU WERE GONE FOR FIFTEEN YEARS
BECAUSE OF CELESTIAL TIME DILATION
and chang-fang is like oh
well ok
by the way i have to go help people now
i’ll try to visit sometimes

so then he travels all over the place
healing the sick and capturing demons and shit
and one day he comes to a town
where the inns are full
so he goes to a mansion
like can I stay here
and the mansion guy is like sure no problem
so he goes in
and while he’s having dinner
he is like OH SHIT GUYS
I SENSE AN EVIL FOG OF DEATH ON THE WAY TO YOUR HOUSE
LEAVE NOW
LEAVE ME ALONE IN YOUR HOUSE
WITH YOUR POSESSIONS
DON’T COME BACK UNTIL SUNRISE
OR YOU WILL DIE
and the house people are like well WHAT
WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE THIS
and chang-fang is like NOTHING GUYS
SHIT JUST HAPPENS SOMETIMES IS ALL
so the people leave the house
while the rest of the village is like
great job getting your posessions stolen
by some random shitty healer guys
but when they come back to the house in the morning
all their animals are dead
every single one
and they are like damn
thanks for saving us chang-fang
i mean you probably could have tried
to save some of our animals too
but still
thanks man
we’ll totally make offerings
to the mountain shrines
once a year
on this day
in honor of your weird death-prescience

so yeah
eventually chang-fang dies
because he didn’t want to eat poop
but before that he lived a long life
healing people
and making sure that the gourd
became the symbol of healers everywhere
and in the end
i’m not really sure
if there was ever a chance
that chang-fang was gonna be an immortal
or if that whole poop mountain thing
was just that asshole immortal’s idea
of a really great prank
which just goes to show
that you should never eat poop
or the maggots that live in poop
no matter who tells you to
or what they are offering you
just to be safe

The end.

Hey guys I’m back

all my myths recently have been way long
so here’s a short one

basically one day somewhere in china
there is this farmer
i dont know what his name is
that is not how Chang Tzu works ok
he doesnt waste time
telling you what peoples’ names are
actually he’s not even a farmer
he’s a monkey trainer
sorry

look
anyway
this monkey trainer goes to his monkeys
and he is like hey
monkeys
you can miraculously understand human speech right
and the monkeys are like SURE CAN
and he’s like good
ok
here’s what i’m going to do
i’m going to give you three chestnuts each in the morning
and four chestnuts each at night

and all the monkeys are like WHAAAAAAT
BULLSHIT
WE WANT FOUR CHESTNUTS IN THE MORNING

so the trainer is like sure ok
and he gives them four chestnuts in the morning
and three at night

now the moral of this story
is supposed to be
that there is nothing to be gained
from quibbling over “the way things are supposed to be”
you have got to be willing to change your plans
in order to please your herd of petulant monkeys
but really
i think the moral is something more along the lines of
what the fuck is wrong with monkeys
they are basically like
objectively worse people
what do we need monkeys for
they don’t pollinate flowers
or turn carbon dioxide into oxygen
or catch mice
they basically just throw their shit at us
and fuck each other to death in trees
and make poorly-thought-out demands of their trainers

so really the moral of the story is
why the fuck would you be a monkey trainer
don’t be a monkey trainer

The end

Okay so there’s this stonecutter

being a stonecutter is a pretty shitty job
what you do
is you go to a mountain every day
and you cut off pieces of it
and then you haul the pieces to town and sell them
or make shit out of them or whatever
it is tiring
and boring
and it pays a combination of jack and shit

now this stonecutter
he is acutely aware of how much his job sucks
and one day he goes into town
and he sees this wealthy nobleman
getting carried by on his sedan chair
by a bunch of sweaty peasants
blowing air kisses to all the hot bitches
just generally having a good time
and the stonecutter is like
maaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnn
that nobleman is SOOOOOOO powerful
his life must be awesome
I wish that I was a nobleman

and BAM
he’s a nobleman
what the fuck right?
suddenly he’s being carried through town
in his sedan chair
sweaty peasants all groaning under his weight
hot bitches all hiding from his air kisses
and it starts to get really hot in the sedan chair
the nobleman is sweating buckets
through his expensive silk robes
and he is like dag yo
what is powerful enough to make ME
THE MIGHTY NOBLEMAN
SWEAT OUT SO MUCH GODDAMN WATER?
and he looks outside the sedan chair
up into the sky
and sees the SUN
beating down on him
and is like ohhh that’s what it is
because apparently he is an idiot

but then he takes it one step further
he stares at the sun
and is like MAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNN
the sun SURE IS POWERFUL
I wish I was the sun

BAM
He’s the sun
now an ordinary man would prolly be like
WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK
but this man is just like
HAHAHA HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW BITCHES
raining down blinding radiance on all the peasants
scorching all the hot bitches
until suddenly
he finds that there is something between him and the earth
he can no longer make everyone’s life an unspeakable hell
and he is like WHAT THE FUCK IS SO POWERFUL
THAT IT CAN BLOCK THE RAYS OF ME
THE MIGHTY SUN?
and then he actually THINKS ABOUT IT FOR A SECOND
and realizes that it is a cloud

so the sun goes MAAAAAAAAAAaaaaAAAAAAaaaaAAAN
clouds must be SOOOO powerful
I wish I was clouds

BAM
CLOUDS MOTHERFUCKER
weather forecasts change overnight
from partly cloudy
to MOTHERFUCKING CLOUDS UP THE HELL RIGHT NOW
CLOUDS IN YOUR VILLAGE
RAIN ON YOUR PARADE
CLOUDS IN YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ROOM
BITCH THERE ARE SO MANY CLOUDS
EVEN THE CLOUDS HAVE CLOUDS
all the peasants are drowning in soaked to fuck fields
and the hot bitches are getting their makeup all washed off
and the clouds are like HAHAHA WHAT NOW MOTHERFUCKERS
BUT SUDDENLY
they are getting moved
pushed away
by some invisible force
and the clouds are like
what the fuck is this
what could have the power to move ME
THE MIGHTY CLOUDS?
OH WAIT
IT’S THE WIND
I FORGOT ABOUT THE WIND

so what does he do?
he goes
MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaAAAAaaAAaaAAaaAAAAaAaAAAaAAAAAaAAaaaaaAAAaAAAAAAAAaAAAaAAaaaAAAAaAAaAaAaaAAN
the wind is SOOOOOO powerful
I wish I was the wind

BAM
NATURE MAKES ANOTHER SHITTY MISTAKE
AND THIS DUDE IS THE WIND NOW
blowing over the peasant dudes’ houses
ruining the hair of all the hot bitches
literally laughing up a storm
when SUDDENLY
he runs smack into something he can’t move
at TOP SPEED
He doesn’t even need to rhetorically ask what it is
he has clearly just slammed his face into a mountain
so after he’s finished removing a fine dust of his shattered teeth
from all over the place
the wind is like

(say it with me now)

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

this mountain is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO POWERFUL
I wish I was this mountain

and BAM
he is a mountain
most powerful object on earth
also thankfully one of the less dangerous objects on earth
so he’s sitting there
being a mountain
feeling pretty good about himself
when SUDDENLY
he feels himself being cut
and changed
and he is like WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
WHAT FORCE COULD POSSIBLY EFFECT ME
THE MIGHTY MOUNTAIN

and he looks down
and right down at the bottom
he sees a stonecutter

NO MORAL TODAY GUYS MY MIND IS TOO BLOWN

THE END.