Category Archives: Talking Animals

Frogs are Debilitatingly Unaware of Their Own Anatomy

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Ok so first of all
do you like the new layout
I got tired of picking colors
so i just picked my favorite color:
milk

okay now let’s talk about some fucking FROGS

so we’ve all agreed by this point that animals can talk right?
right
good
okay
so there are these two frogs
one of them lives in Osaka
the other one lives in Kyoto
in case you have not guessed these are JAPANESE FROGS
which are basically identical to american frogs
except they speak japanese
because you see
as we have already established
animals can definitely talk

so these frogs right
they get LUDICROUSLY BORED
sitting in their ponds
ribbiting all the fuck over everything that crosses their paths
so one day
as if with A SINGLE UNIFIED MIND
both frogs are like hey
i need to get the fuck out of this city
it’s running me ragged man
and the Osaka frog is like I WANNA GO TO KYOTO
and the Kyoto frog is like I WANNA GO TO OSAKA
if they had internet they could have arranged a house swap
or at least like
a stanky pond swap
but unfortunately japan does not start providing internet to animals
until at least the industrial revolution

SO OFF THEY GO
here is the problem
FROGS SUCK AT TRAVELING
i mean
Kyoto and Osaka
are FIFTY-SIX KILOMETERS APART
that’s like FOUR HUNDRED AMERICAN MILES
imagine trying to walk that far
okay
now imagine trying to walk that far
but you are about as big as one of your feet
also your primary method of locomotion is jumping repeatedly
also you are a FUCKING FROG
and the corn on top of that shit casserole
is that right smack dab between kyoto and osaka
IS A FUCKING MOUNTAIN
so these frogs are hoppin and hoppin
and basically making themselves miserable
and finally they get to the top
at exactly the same time
and they are both like WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT
NO WAY
NO FUCKING WAY MAN
and the Osaka frog is like what the fuck are you doing here man
and the Kyoto frog is like im going to Osaka what are you doing
and the Osaka frog is like no shit man i’m from Osaka and I’m going to Kyoto
and the Kyoto frog is like dude what the fuck I’m from Kyoto
we totally should have arranged a house swap or something
too bad we are animals and do not have internet
so they shoot the shit for a little while
and they are both like damn dude
this has been a pretty shitty journey so far
wish we were taller
so we could see Osaka and Kyoto from here
to tell whether it’s worth going the rest of the way or not
OH SHIT WAIT
THERE’S TWO OF US
IF WE STAND ON OUR HIND LEGS
AND THEN STAND ON EACH OTHERS’ SHOULDERS
WE CAN TOTALLY SEE WHATS UP

so that is what they do
except here is the problem guys
frogs are in NO WAY designed to make human pyramids
that is why they are called HUMAN pyramids
not frogstacks
not only do they have spindly weakass legs
but their eyes
are ON TOP OF THEIR HEADS
so what happens
is they climb up on top of each other
and then their eyes are looking straight back the way they came
and they are both like what the fuck
Kyoto is exactly like Osaka
Osaka is exactly like Kyoto
what a fucking ripoff
let’s go home

so they go home
and never get to see sweet foreign vistas and whatnot
so please
take a lesson from these frogs
and just take the next couple of minutes
to make sure that you know
EXACTLY where your eyes are on your head

the end

Warning: This Myth Contains a Taxi

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Hey guys guess what

some awesome masked superhero
donated ten dollars to me
TEN
AMERICAN DOLLARS
what does that mean guys?
that means that if some combination of caped internet vigilantes
gives me a total of TEN MORE DOLLARS
I will do a video myth
of the ENTIRE FUCKING ILIAD
skipping all the boring parts
guys my car is broken
yesterday I sat in my broken car
with a large bisexual man
who conducted a very personal interview
for three hours
because he said he would pay me 40 dollars
it cost me 50 dollars to get my car towed

anyway here’s a myth

so I hope you like ethiopia guys
because this is the most ETHIOPIAN GODDAMN MYTH
you have heard ALL WEEK
unless you are in the habit of seeking out and reading
very ethiopian myths
and even then
i feel like those would probably just be
exactly the same amount of ethiopian as this myth

basically there is this taxi ok
the taxi driver is giving three animals a ride
because either he is crazy and has nothing better to do
or he is an idiot who thinks animals have money
anyway the animals in his car are a donkey
a goat
and a dog

so the driver comes up to the donkey’s stop
and the donkey is like here you go sir
here is exact change
followed by a reasonable tip for your services
and the taxi driver is like I KNEW ANIMALS HAD MONEY
THEY ALL LAUGHED
BUT I KNEW
and then he speeds off

so then he comes up on the goat’s stop
and the goat does a fucking dive roll out of the car
like HAHA LOOKS LIKE NOT ALL ANIMALS HAVE MONEY ASSHOLE
SEE YOU IN HELL THUNDERTITS
and runs the fuck away

so now it’s just the dog and the taxi driver in the car
and the taxi driver goes ahead and drives the dog
all the way to his stop
and it is pretty awkward the whole way
because like
the dog’s friend just ripped the cabby off for 20 bucks or whatever
but finally they get to dog’s house
and the dog hands the cabbie a hundo
oh wow
did i just fucking say hundo
dammit now i am going to have to spend the rest of the week
going back through the events of my life
to figure out when i became someone i never wanted to be
anyway dog gives the driver a large
LARGE
bill
and is like may i have some change please sir
and the cabbie is like NUP
LOOKS LIKE YOU’RE PAYING FOR YOUR ASSHOLE FRIEND TOO
VROOM BITCH
and he takes off

so of course dog is like AW FUCK NO
and starts running after the cab
and that is how it has been ever since:

dogs run after cabs trying to get their hundos back

goats get the fuck out of dodge cause they still owe money

and donkeys do not give a fuck

so this is actually a very instructive myth
there is a lot of wisdom to be gained
depending on who you are

if you are a donkey
don’t worry about it
you’re good

if you’re a goat
what the fuck asshole
come on

if you’re a dog
try carrying exact change
and having less shitty friends
also instead of running after a fucking car
trying running after your shitty friend
even though he probably doesnt have any money
prolly spent it all on booze and goatwhores

and finally
if you are a taxi driver
which is more likely because you can read
do not give rides to animals
even if they do have money
which they shouldn’t
because they are animals
one in three of them is going to rip you off
although if one does
you can always steal the money from a dog
which shouldn’t be hard
cuz they are already running after your car

The end

Coyote Needs Some Goddamn Ritalin

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5

Okay so this is pretty crazy

because my friend James just told me this story about constellations
and then i went onto this blog right here
and this chick charlotte
is all up in here
requesting a myth about constellations
my mind is blown

but not blown enough apprently
because i am still going to go ahead and tell this myth

alright so rabbit
he is kind of a complete puss nexus
he is so much of a push over
his wife rolled over to his side of the bed once
and he ended up on fucking mercury
so when the great spirit shows up like HEY
HEY RABBIT
I’VE GOT ALL THESE FUCKING STARS
AND I NEED SOMEONE TO UNDERGO THE INCREDIBLY MENIAL
MIND NUMBING
FUCKING UTTERLY POINTLESS TASK
OF PUTTING ALL OF THESE STARS IN THAT SKY OVER THERE
ONE BY ONE
IN A VERY PARTICULAR PATTERN
DICTATED BY ME
IN ORDER TO SPELL OUT A BUNCH OF BULLSHIT LAWS
WHICH I THEN EXPECT YOU TO FOLLOW
AND MAYBE ENFORCE ALSO
BASICALLY
I’M GONNA GO GET WASTED WHILE YOU DO MY JOB
and rabbit is like ok dont hurt me

so the great spirit gives rabbit this blanket
full of all the stars ever
which are covered
in ULTIMATE SUPERGLUE
so if rabbit fucks up even once
everything is ruined forever

so of course rabbit is ultra careful
sitting up there in the sky
taking out a star
checking where it’s supposed to go
double checking where it’s supposed to go
gingerly placing it in the sky
doin’ it all again
and again and again

so after like
a hojillion hours
coyote shows up
like HEY ASSCACTUS WHAT’S HAPPENING
and rabbit is like oh fuck
i mean hey coyote
nothing
nothing at all
and coyote is like IT DOESNT LOOK LIKE NOTHING
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE PUTTING ALL THE STARS IN THE SKY
HERE LET ME HELP
and rabbit is like fuck
why don’t i have a spine
ok you can help
so coyote is like OK I SEE WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SPELLING OUT SOME LAWS
OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT
and rabbit is like yes that is the idea
and coyote is like BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
RINNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG
I’M GONNA MAKE SOME SWEET PICTURES OF ANIMALS
CHECK IT OUT THIS ONE IS A FUCKING BEAR
and rabbit is like coyote that is not what we are supposed to do
that is not what we are supposed to do at all
and coyote is like DONT YOU SEE RABBIT
I MADE A FUCKING BEAR
A MOTHERFUCKING BEARRRRRR
OK I’M GONNA DO YOU NOW
WATCH
and rabbit is like coyote i am flattered by your portraiture
even if your medium is precious irreplaceable stars
but if you would just hold on for one moment
and coyote is like TOUGH TITS NANCY BOY
I AM MAKING ALL KINDS OF ANIMALS UP IN HERE
FOX
CAT
BUFFALO BUFFALO BUFFALO
IS THAT A GODDAMN RHINOCEROS
FUCK NO
GIRAFFE ASSHOLE
but then suddenly
coyote is like WAIT
THIS IS TAKING

WAY

TOO

LONG

I WANNA GO RIDE A BIKE OR SOME SHIT
MAYBE SET SOMETHING ON FIRE
WHO THE FUCK KNOWS
I’M COYOTE
ANYWAY I’M HANDLING THIS
and he takes the remaining stars
and chucks them all into the sky
creating the milky way
and that’s why the sky looks so fucked up now

as for rabbit
well
the great spirit only punishes him a LITTLE
for coyote’s actions
so it works out kind of ok in the end
except who the fuck knows what those laws were supposed to be

so the moral of the story is
if you have a friend like coyote
who is a massive toolclown who cannot stop causing problems
invest in some industrial strength solvent
or your friend will get you in trouble with god

the end.

Rabbit is a shitty host

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1

So bear invites rabbit over for dinner
and there is a big pot of beans cooking on the stove
and bear is like rabbit are you hungry
and rabbit is like fuck yes i am hungry
i just spent all morning
trying to get bugs out of wood
by beating my face against it like a woodpecker
and now my nose is split forever
and i have no bugs
hook it up bear

and bear is like ok
and takes the beans off the stove
and tries some
and is like hm
needs lard
and he fucking CUTS OPEN HIS OWN STOMACH
AND OOZES FAT INTO THE BEANS
and then they eat the beans together and it is great

but see now rabbit is super fucking jealous
of his animal pal
so the next day
he is like hey bear come over to my house
i will make you some beans
it will be great
and bear comes over
and rabbit takes the beans off the stove
and he tries them
all like HM THIS SURE NEEDS SOME FUCKING LARD
and then he proceeds to disembowel himself
trying to bleed fat into the beanbowl
(PS bleed fat into the beanbowl
sounds like some kind of a euphemism
for sex)
and so he is sitting on the floor dying of blood loss
and like
organ loss
and bear is like WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK
I AM NOT GOING BACK TO JAIL
and he stitches rabbit up
and then he’s like dude
just because i can do something
does not mean you can also do it
what are you a fucking retard

so the moral of the story is
when it comes to cooking
self-mutilation is not always the answer

the end.

CALIFORNIAAAAAA

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4

So eagle and crow
they are best buds
such good buds in fact
that when the world floods
eagle lets crow ride on his back
while they search for land

well tough tits for them
because there is no land anywhere at all
but finally they manage to find a stump at least
and eagle goes and sits on that
like finally fuck
i have been carrying you for like eleventy billion weeks asshole

then they get bored
so every day the two birds have a fish-catching contest
but then at the end of the day they just split the fish evenly
so it is not a very high stakes contest
remember they are best buds
and then they spend a bunch of time trying to find land
and failing
harrrd

then in the evening they always come back to the stump
like damn
i wonder if there’s a way for us to make land
we can’t dive deep enough to get any dirt
so what the fuck would we make it out of?

and this is what they do every day
until one day
a duck shows up
diving down to get fish
and coming up with more mud in his mouth than fish
because he is shitty at catching fish
so crow and eagle are like HOLY SHIT
we can USE THIS BIRD to get LAND
so they are like hey duck
we will give you fish
if you bring us mud
and duck is like sweet deal dudes
i’m on it
so for the next bajillion days
crow and eagle and duck
engage in what my source material calls
“a great game of fish and mud exchange”

guys
there are a lot of great games
fish and mud exchange is not one of them
any game that involves the words fish
and mud
and exchange
is a shitty game in my book
although actually settlers of catan is a lot like that
at least when you play with fish
i like settlers of catan
ANYWAY

eagle and crow are building the shit out of some mudpiles over here
all like BEST FRIENDS FOREVER
TOTALLY GONNA SPLIT THIS NEW LAND EVENLY
but then one day eagle goes away for a bit
and he comes back
and crow has STOLEN THE SHIT OUT OF LIKE HALF OF HIS MUD
and eagle is like what the fuck crow
what the fuck
and the two of them have a massive shit fit about it
and then eagle starts putting out twice as much fish for duck
as crow does
so duck brings eagle twice as much mud
and eagle’s land keeps getting bigger and bigger
and crow doesn’t even fucking notice
and then the rains stop
and the sun bakes the mud
and they keep building the fuck out of these mountains they are making
these things are MASSIVE
in fact if you were to go look for these dirtmounds now
you would not have a hard time finding them
because eagle’s mudpile is now known
as the FUCKING SIERRAS
and crow’s mudpile
is a bitchass puss nexus of a mountain range
known as the Coast mountain range
basically because while crow cheated one time
eagle cheated over and over again
for days and months and years

and now eagle is a fucking native american culture hero
for his honor and wingspan and shit
and everyone hates crow
because one time he stole some dirt
so the moral of the story i guess
is if someone fucks you over once
you can fuck them over in return
day after day
never stopping
never slowing down
and it will be okay
everyone will love you
and you will get to own the fucking sierras

the end.

FIRE

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2

Ok so i am about to fuck off to the desert
AGAIN
and so i am going to be remotely posting myths
native american myths
using the magic of the internet
starting RIGHT
NOWWWWW

ok so coyote right
he likes to chill with all the humans on earth
and life is pretty sweet most of the time
blackberries and wheat and shit all the fuck over the place
except then winter comes
and just jizzes in everyone’s lungs
and like 90% of everybody dies
every year

so one day coyote is walking along
and he passes a village
and the woman are all weeping
over their dead infants
and they are like FUUUUUUCK
THE SUN IS SO WARM RIGHT NOW
IN SPRING
IF ONLY WE HAD SOME OF THE SUN IN OUR TEEPEES
IN WINTER
and coyote is like I HAVE A SOLUTION

so he goes up on top of this mountain
where these three assholes live
called the fire beings
they are these ugly motherfuckers
with like
sharp talons
who spend all their time guarding this fire
so when they hear coyote in the underbrush
they are like AGH FUCK WHO’S THERE
and coyote is like just me
just a coyote
nothing to worry about
and they are all like oh ok

so then coyote watches them all night
seeing how they always have at least one of them
watching the fire
except right at dawn
when one of the fire beings
is too much of a lazy whorebag
to get up quickly and guard the fire

so coyote goes and hits up all his animal pals
like GUYS
help me steal fire for the weird hairless human things
and the animals are like sure ok

so coyote goes back up to the top of the mountain
and the fire beings hear him like WHOA
AGH
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE
and coyote is like jeeze guys
dont you remember
i’m just a coyote
a harmless dumb animal
come on
and the fire beings are like ok
so then coyote hangs out all night
and in the morning
when one of the fire beings is busy lazing it up
he hauls ass across their camp
and grabs the fire
and starts booking it down the mountain
and all of the fire beings are like SHIIIIIIIIT
and they start flying after him
and one of them touches his tail
and it turns white
which is why all coyotes have tails like that
that’s right
this coyote got AROUND
anyway then coyote tosses the fire to squirrel
and squirrel carries it on his back
which burns it hardcore
curling his tail
and then he passes the fire to chipmunk like OW FUCK
and chipmunk catches it
and then fucking FREEZES because these fire beings
are TERRORIFYING
and one of them just runs up to him and scratches the fuck out of his back
leaving three lines there
which are now on all chipmunks everywhere
and then chipmunk is like FUCK DAMN
and passes the fire to frog
and the fire beings catch frog’s tail
and frog is just like FUCK I DONT NEED A TAIL
and it comes off
and guys
guess what
now frogs don’t have tails
so finally after all this forcible re-engineering of various species
frog tosses the fire to wood
and wood swallows it
and the fire beings go up to wood like HEY WOOD
FUCKING GIVE US OUR FIRE BACK
and wood is like nope
and the fire beings are like IMA CUT CHOO
and wood is like go for it
and the fire beings are finally like YOU KNOW WHAT FINE
FUCK IT
and they leave
but coyote knows how to set wood on fire
so he teaches all the humans
how to use like
matches and shit
and suddenly arsonist is a profession

so the moral of the story is
if you need something
steal it
in fact better yet
have a coyote steal it
because apparently no one suspects those guys

THE END

Too much effort for peanuts

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So brer fox again

he gets this idea into his head
that he is going to plant a field of GOOBER PEAS
which are just basically peanuts
but with a funnier name
anyway he hoes and hoes
haha hoes
and he rakes and rakes
and he waters and waters
and does all the stuff you need to do
to grow a fine crop of goober peas

but he doesn’t count on the fact
that brer rabbit is such a little asshole
that he has been watching the goober field all this time
waiting for the peas to grow
and when they finally do grow
brer rabbit invites his WHOLE FAMILY
to an all-you-can-steal buffet at fox’s house
they steal so much
that when brer fox comes out the next day
he can hardly find any peas at all

so of course he knows it must be brer rabbit
because who else is enough of a dick to do something like this
but brer rabbit has covered up his footprints so well
fox can’t figure out where he is
so he makes a trap instead
because he knows
as long as there is something left to take from him
brer rabbit is going to keep coming back

what he does is he takes some rope
and he ties it to a tree
and he bends the tree double
and then fixes a loop at the end of the rope
right around a rabbit-sized hole in the fence
so when brer rabbit inevitably runs through
the rope will trigger
and tighten
and hoist him up in the air

and lo and behold
the very next day
while fox is out
here comes brer rabbit about to be a massive prick
and he hops in through that hole
and the rope tightens
and he is all dangling up in the air
just like in swiss family robinson or whatever
and he is like hm
guess i’m about to get fucked huh

but all is not lost
because who does brer rabbit see coming down the road
but brer bear
looking for a tree full of bees so he can get some honey
now brer rabbit does some quick thinking
and decides that any animal
that is actually SEEKING OUT BEES
is probably a stupid animal
so he waves his paws around like HEY
HEY
BRER BEAR
and Brer Bear is like sup

so brer rabbit is like eh not much
just chillin
and brer bear is like i can’t help but notice
you are hanging upside down from a tree
and brer rabbit is like so i am

so
i
am

and brer bear is like why
why are you doing that
and brer rabbit is like oh it’s awesome
brer fox is paying me a dollar a minute
just to hang from his tree and scare birds away
and brer bear is like
ONE DOLLAR A MINUTE
THAT’S
THAT’S
SIX BILLION DOLLARS AN HOUR!
SIGN ME UP
and brer rabbit is like sure ok
just get yourself snared in this rope
instead of me
i don’t need money i just steal whatever i want

so brer rabbit scampers off
while brer bear hangs from the tree
going RRRRR whenever he sees a bird
and brer fox comes back

now in these stories
as you have probably gathered
everyone other than brer rabbit is fucking retarded
and brer rabbit isn’t even that smart either
it’s like how in the land of the blind
the one-eyed man is a dick
but anyway brer fox is immediately like YOU
BRER BEAR
YOU ARE CAUGHT IN MY TRAP
SO CLEARLY YOU WERE STEALING MY GOOOOBERRR PEEEASSSSS
and brer bear is like no what
i don’t even like those
where’s my six billion dollars

even as stupid as these two animals are
they figure out pretty quick who is to blame
for this misunderstanding
and brer rabbit for his part
knows that they probably will
so he goes and buries himself in some mud
so only his eyes poke out
and he looks exactly like a toad
so when brer bear comes grumbling by
like GRUMBLE GRUMBLE WHERE BRER RABBIT AT
brer rabbit is like
RIBBIT RIBBIT I SAW HIM GO THAT WAY
and off goes brer bear
on another idiot adventure

all of this effort
just for some fucking peanuts
with a goddamn stupid name
making this the most convincing argument yet
for supermarkets

the end.

This myth is also a disney ride

Posted on by
7

Alright so listen up

first order of business
is i’m going to a farm for half a week
but this time i’m prepared
and instead of guest myths
(even though I love guest myths)
You’re gonna get myths about Bre’r rabbit
how do you feel about that

well it doesn’t matter
because by the time you tell me how you feel
i will be on a farm
and none the wiser

SO BRE’R RABBIT IT IS

now Bre’r rabbit
brer rabbit for short
is the quintessential motherfucker
he likes to sashay around
making fools out of people
and cackling about it

and bre’r fox
(brer fox for short)
is essentially the Wile E Coyote
to brer rabbit’s roadrunner

for example

this one day brer fox wakes up like
DAMN I REALLY WANT TO KILL ME SOME BRER RABBIT
OH MAN I HAVE THE ULTIMATE PLAN
I’M GONNA STEAL AN IDEA FROM ANANSI
AND MAKE A LITTLE MIDGET OUT OF TAR
only he doesn’t call it a midget
or even a dwarf
he calls it a baby
because dwarves are fucking CREEPY ok

so brer fox gets some tar
and some turpentine
and mixes it up real good
and then makes a baby out of it
and puts a big wide-brimmed hat on the baby
you know
like babies tend to wear
and he places it right in the center of the road
the myth says that this was like
the cutest baby ever
but i don’t know how cute a baby can be
when it is made out of TAR AND TURPENTINE

ANYWAY
brer fox goes over and hides in the bushes
so excited about how he is going to fuck over brer rabbit
and brer rabbit comes whistling along
and he sees this baby
and he is like whoa
what is this fine baby doing in the middle of this road
hey baby how you doin
and the baby is like

so then Brer Rabbit gets kind of mad
because he likes it when people talk to him
so he can make utter fools out of them
and he is like NOW BABY
IF YOU DO NOT TALK TO ME
I AM GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE
not even stop to consider that maybe
JUST MAYBE
the tarbaby is too young to talk
or you know
that it is a baby MADE OF TAR

no he just shouts at that baby
until finally he gets so mad
he really does smack it upside the head
and what do you think happens
HIS PAW GETS STUCK
so what do you think he does
he says BABY
MAKE YOUR FACE LET GO OF MY PAW
OR I WILL SMACK YOUR FACE WITH MY OTHER PAW
and the baby does no such thing

so true to his word
brer rabbit does the smart thing
and hits the baby again
and his OTHER paw gets stuck
and he is like RRR I’M SO MAD
MAYBE KICKING YOU WILL HELP
but it predictably does not
in fact
it just makes things much much worse
so then I guess
Brer rabbit is just like
well I’ve already fucked up almost as hard as possible
I guess I might as well hit this thing with my face too
so he does
and it is in this undignified state
that brer fox finds him
covered in tar with his fists inside a baby

so brer fox is of course extremely pleased by this
and is like HAHA BRER RABBIT
I HAVE WANTED TO KILL YOU FOR SOOOOO LONG
I DON’T EVEN WANT TO EAT YOU
JUST KILL YOU
hm how should i kill you brer rabbit
should I roast you
nah too much effort
maybe i should hang you
what do you think about that

and brer rabbit thinks fast
and he says
PLEASE BRER FOX
HANG ME
ROAST ME
I DON’T CARE
JUST WHATEVER YOU DO
PLEEEEEEEASE DON’T THROW ME INTO THAT BRIAR PATCH
THE ONE RIGHT OVER THERE

now if I was gonna kill a rabbit
and a rabbit said that shit to me
first of all i’d be like holy fuck a talking rabbit
and maybe question my sanity a little
but after we’d sorted everything out
i’d probably just say ok
and throw him in a fire
but brer fox has the rare talent
of being exactly as lazy as he is stupid
so he thinks out loud
like maaaaaaaaaan
i don’t have any rope to hang you with
maybe i have some at home
but really
it would be easier to drown you in the river

and brer rabbit is like
DROWN ME
HANG ME
SET ME ON FIRE
BEAT ME WITH HAMMERS
STAB ME WITH SWORDFISH
I DO NOT FUCKING CARE
JUST PLEASE
PLEASE
PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE
DON’T THROW ME INTO THAT BRIAR PATCH RIGHT BY WHERE YOU ARE STANDING

and brer fox thinks for a second and he is like hm
well that briar patch does appeal to both my sadistic nature
AND my laziness
it’ll tear you to pieces
I’MA THROW YOU IN THE BRIAR PATCH

and brer rabbit is like NO NO NO NO
ANYTIHNG BUT THAT
and brer fox is like FAT CHUCKLES GRANDMA
IN YOU GO
and chucks him in
and he is lying in the middle of the road
chuckling to himself
when suddenly
he realizes he is not the only one chuckling

so he looks up
and at the top of a nearby hill
there’s brer rabbit
laughing and combing tar out of his hair
and he is like you fucking idiot
I was born and bred in a briar patch
BORN AND FUCKING BRED
DO YOU UNDERSTAND

thus ends the first recorded instance
of reverse psychology
just going to show
that you can be as stupid as you want
just as long as your enemies are a lot stupider

THE END

Local father discovers immortality with this one weird tip

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3

So Anansi again

yeah, see, since I just established
that all the stories are belong to Anansi
I figured I should maybe tell more than one story about him
So here goes:
one day anansi is dicking around in the wilderness outside his town
and he gets bored of walking around
and also super thirsty
and he sees this house
he walks up to the house and there is this old man
sitting on the front porch
now when I say old
I mean OLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLD
this guy makes the crypt keeper look like natalie fucking portman
so anansi walks up to him
and is like excuse me you fugly sonofabitch
can I get some ice cold drinking water
and the old man doesnt say anything
and anansi is like I SAID
CAN I GET SOME DELICIOUS CHILLED WATER PRODUCT UP IN HERE
and the old man says nothing
and anansi is like:
please continue sitting silent and motionless
if you want me to go inside and raid your fridge
and the old man says nothing
so anansi goes inside
and has a gay old time
he eats as much food as possible
and then he leaves
he has such a good time doing this
that he comes back the next day
and the next day
just fucking pillaging this dude’s pantry
devouring the watermelons
ravaging the mayo
man i dont know what this dude had in his pantry
i just have no goddamn idea
but whatever it was it must have been good
cause one day anansi brings his eldest daughter with him to the house
and he is like
thank you so much for this food creepy silent old guy
to thank you, here is my eldest daughter
you guys are married now
enjoy
also make me a sandwich, woman
and he eats the sandwich and then leaves his daughter there and goes home
next day he goes back for more free food
and maybe to see his daughter i guess
but his daughter isn’t there
WHERE DID SHE GO
he knows she likes to play hide of seek
so he starts looking all over the house
in the closets and under the bed and shit
and finally he goes and looks in the last possible place
THE OVEN
and what does he find in there?
THE WEDDING RING HE GAVE HIS DAUGHTER
so he runs outside to the old man like
HEY ASSHOLE
WHY DID YOU TAKE OFF MY DAUGHTER’S WEDDING RING
SHIT WAS EXPENSIVE
and the old man FINALLY fucking talks
he’s all:
do you know who i am
I’m death
you showed up at my house
you ate all my food
and then you married me to an ugly fucking spider chick
without my consent
and through all of this i remained motionless
and refused to stop you or interact with you for some reason
but still this is TOTALLY YOUR FAULT
so I ATE YOUR DAUGHTER
and now I am also going to eat YOU
and Anansi is like shit
no
I like not having consequences for my actions
this seems like a consequence this is terrible
and he starts running
he figures death is prolly pretty slow
given how old he is
but no
he’s keeping up
and anansi starts getting tired
and is like fuck what do i do
I KNOW
I’LL CLIMB A TREE!
so he climbs a tree
and he’s about to jump to another tree
when he looks down
and sees death just standing there
because guess what guys
DEATH CANNOT CLIMB TREES
this i guess explains why squirrels are immortal?
I mean come on
this is the personification of DEATH
the inescapable end that pursues us all
and he is helpless when confronted with
A TREE
well i guess he’s not totally helpless
because he basically just stands at the bottom of the tree
and chucks everything in arm’s reach at anansi
like a rock
and some sticks
and a shoe
so that basically puts death
to the level
of the kids i used to throw dirt at
from my treehouse
when I was FIVE
anyway eventually death runs out of shit to throw
and goes to find more shit
at which point anansi jumps out of the tree and books it for his house
screaming HEY HEY
WIFE AND KIDS
CLIMB UP TO THE CIELING
DEATH IS COMING
MY WILD IRRESPONSIBLITY HAS ONCE AGAIN ENDANGERED MY ENTIRE FAMILY
I AM THE BEST HUSBAND AND FATHER
and his wife is like
WHAT I CANT HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF OUR FOUR CHILDREN
STARVING ALL DAY WHILE YOU RAID DEATH’S KITCHEN FOR YOURSELF
and anansi is like FINE
I’LL take them up to the ceiling MYSELF
so he runs into the house and drags everybody up to the ceiling
and death runs in after him
and sees everyone up on the ceiling
and can’t do a thing about it
except pull up a chair
and grab a burlap sack
and just sit there
waiting
so it’s not too long
before one of anansi’s kids
his youngest son
starts losing his grip on the ceiling
which to me
means that this is a family of pretty shitty spiders
since when has a spider had ceiling problems?
spiders live on my fucking ceiling
the only explanation
is that these spiders are like
reverse spiderman
with all the disadvantages of a spider
coupled with all the disadvantages of a man
so this kid is like DADDY HELP
and anansi is like FUCKING HOLD ON JUNIOR
IF YOU FALL DEATH WILL EAT YOU
so junior falls
and death catches him
and is like
i’m only after your dad, kid
but i’m still gonna stick you in this burlap sack
then anansi’s youngest daughter falls off
and the same thing happens
and again and again
until it’s just anansi up there
and he’s about to lose his grip
when he goes WAIT
DEATH
I am SOOOO FAT
from eating SOOO MUCH OF YOUR FOOD
if I fall to the floor
i’m totally going to explode on impact
and then what are you gonna eat?
spider guts?
gross
what you should do
is go get my big barrel of flour from the kitchen
and put it under me
so when i fall
you get a nice breading on me
and death is like dur ok
just let me leave you alone in the room real quick
and anansi is like FUCK YES
while he is busy moving the flour I am totally going to escape
man I am such a genius holy shit
but by the time anansi is done congratulating himself
death walks back in with the barrel
and puts it under anansi
and anansi is like fuck
once again my tremendous ego has boned me
but all is not lost
because when death leans over the barrel to make sure it’s centered
anansi drops down on the back of his head
which freaks him out
because
you know
spider on his head
and in the resulting confusion
and flour-induced blindness
anansi is able to grab his wife and kids in the sack
and run out the door
and he’s been escaping death ever since
actually that’s why there’s spider webs on the ceiling everywhere
to avoid death
who has apparently not figured out ladders
so now you know guys
the secret to immortality
duct tape yourself to the ceiling

You’re welcome.

HEY AFRICA

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6

Holy shit guys

apparently i should have told this myth a while ago
because according to this myth
which is from africa by the way
before this story happened
there were no stories
at all
this is the origin story
of STORIES
alright so
there’s this god of the sky
his name is Nyame
he has all the stories
and thats pretty lame
because he doesnt tell any of them
so this spider anansi
the character spiderman is based on
is like mannnn
living is boring
i wish i had some stories
specifically
i wish I had all the stories
and i wish most of them were about me
maybe even all of them
so he goes to nyame and is like
how much for all your stories
and nyame is like hm
well im not really using these stories
and i dont really need anything else
because i am the god
of the motherfucking SKY
so how about i just name a bunch of deadly predators
much larger and stronger than you
and you bring them all to me
i dont even know what im gonna do with them
probably set them free or some shit
i am basically just trying to make your life hard
to entertain myself
because its not like i have all the stories to amuse myself with or anything
so bring me a python
a leopard
a fuckton of hornets
and a dwarf
see? africa doesnt like dwarves either
stumpy gold-fucking parasites
so anyway anansi agrees
because he has nothing better to do
and goes out to capture some animals
first he hits up this python Onini
what he does is he stands outside Onini’s house
and loudly debates with his wife whether Onini is longer than a palm branch
and onini
who places incredible importance on trivial bullshit
comes out of his house like guys
guys
i am totally longer than a palm branch
and anansi is like ok lie down next to this branch
and onini does
but he has a hard time being totally straight
har har
so anansi is like
hey man its hard to tell accurately how big you are
unless you are totally straight
let me help you
by tying you to the palm branch
and onini is like dur ok
and anansi ties him to the branch
and then brings him to nyame
then anansi goes out and digs a big hole
in the middle of the jungle
and Osebo the leopard comes walking along
not paying any attention to his surroundings
and falls into the hole
anansi runs over like hey man
looks like you are inside of a hole
allow me to help you out of there with my spider webs
and Osebo is like dur ok
and by the time anansi has helped him out
he has also helped him to become completely tangled in webs
and he takes Osebo to Nyame
then he goes and finds a hornet’s nest
full of Mmoboro hornets
and he takes a calabash
which is a big hollowed out gourd
that kinda looks like tits if you turn it sideways
and he fills it with water
and starts dumping it all over the hornet’s nest like
HORNETS
HORNETS
ITS FUCKING RAINING
GET OUT GET OUT
GONNA DIE HORNETS
GONNA DIE
and the hornets are like SHIT WHERE DO WE GO
and anansi is like I HAVE THE PERFECT SOLUTION
GET INTO THIS GOURD THAT LOOKS LIKE TITS
IT IS THE ONLY WAY
so the hornets are like dur ok
and fly into the gourd
and anansi plugs it up
and brings it to Nyame
so 3 down 1 to go
anansi still has to capture this dwarf Mmoatia
who hangs out with all the other dwarves under the odum tree
so what anansi does
is he makes a fake dwarf out of like spiderwebs and grass or something
and covers it in like sticky taffy
and then puts it under the odum tree
along with a big bowl of nutritious yarn
so Mmoatia sees this bowl of yarn next to this fake dwarf
and is like YUM YARN
I LOVE EATING STUPID INEDIBLE BULLSHIT
BECAUSE I AM A DWARF
AND GOLD HAS BEEN SCARCE LATELY
and she eats all the yarn
and then is like thank you strange silent dwarf
for giving me this precious foodstuff
and the fake dwarf is like

and mmoatia is like hey
arent you gonna say you’re welcome
and the fake dwarf is like

and probably falls over
because it is an inanimate fucking object
and this offends mmoatia so much
she is like ILL TEACH YOU TO NOT SAY YOURE WELCOME
TO THE PERSON WHO JUST ATE ALL YOUR DELICIOUS YARN
and she smacks the taffydwarf upside the head
and her hand gets stuck
and mmoatia is like DURR I’LL TEACH YOU TO STICK TO MY HAND
and smacks it with her other hand
and that gets stuck too
at which point anansi shows and is like
man i was gonna wait for you to kick it too
but this is just too painful to watch
come on lets go see nyame
and nyame is like THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR ALL THIS USELESS BULLSHIT ANANSI
HERE
HAVE ALL THE STORIES
and now anansi has a ton of stories
most of them are about him
some of them arent
but they still belong to him
like if anyone else tries to make a movie
bam
anansi is right there
demanding his royalties
so guys
the moral of the story is
you are going to need to take advantage
of the stupidity of your animal pals
in order to make it in the entertainment industry

The End.