Cats Solve Every Problem

sorry to people who are still waiting on shirts
i am scrambling to get the crossdressing ones screenprinted
and also to make the other ones people ordered
they’re coming
keep your pants on
it would be silly for you to spend all this time waiting for your shirt
only to be pantsless when it arrives
shirtcocking is frowned upon everywhere
also hopefully I will have some exciting shit to announce in the next few days
oh and also I wrote something really silly for this website
go read it and then stick around and maybe read other things there?

anyway today’s myth was brought to my attention by Vigilante/DJ
it is from france

okay so there’s a king right

i mean of COURSE there’s a fucking king
maybe I should just save some fucking pixels
and only let you guys know when there ISN’T a king
I’m pretty sure if you just traveled a hundred years into the past ANYWHERE
but anyway yeah there’s this king
he’s thinking it might be time to stop being king
and maybe let one of his sons be king
but all three of his sons are SOOOO TALENTED AND HANDSOME
that traditional rites of succession just go out the window
and instead the king’s heir is determined by who can find him the tiniest dog
remember this is france we’re talking about

so all three of his kids are like what the fuck
a dog?
they sell those in stores
why are we doing this?
oh yeah
to be KINGS
so they all take off in opposite directions
as is the custom on stupid quests like these
and then we focus on the youngest son because that seems to be the done thing

so the youngest son comes up with a really clever strategy
which is just to buy EVERY DOG HE FUCKING SEES
he’s just marching from city to city
leading a parade of piss, barking, and rabies
probably with the idea that if he just buys EVERY DOG
his bros won’t be able to buy any and he’ll win by default
but oh shit
this fairytale has been going on for like HALF A PAGE
and no one is in the fucking woods yet
ok so this guy is in the woods now
it’s raining and it sucks
all his dogs are gone because what the fuck did he expect
but all of a sudden he finds a castle
and he’s like holy shitbed
I gotta get into that castle
so he knocks on the door
and I’ll give you three guesses who answers the door
actually I don’t know why I would even do that
I can’t hear your guesses because we are on the internet
but anyway you guessed wrong
the answer is hands
hands answer the door
just a swarm of cousin Its
but without the hair
and instead of a person they are just a hand
man that would have been a good addition to the Adams Family
oh well
anyway these things are all hovering around the portcullis
all suggestively curling their index fingers
and our hero has NO PROBLEM WITH THIS AT ALL
he doesn’t even have a problem with it when the hands take him inside and UNDRESS HIM
but i guess his trust is rewarded with some pimp attire
and then he gets lead to a bigass dinner table
and at the end of the table
there are CATS
guys I am sorry
I know you came here for a myth and not a fucking NOVELTY CALENDAR
MUSICAL CATS 2011-2012
and the prince is like damn am I high or something because this shit is UNREAL
and then a bunch of other cats come out
and one of them is like this smokin white tabby
and then there are other ones CARRYING SWORDS SOMEHOW
ok that’s a calendar I would actually buy

anyway the cat is all welcome to my weird castle full of nothing but cats and hands
I know you probably don’t want to eat dead rats so lemme get you some tasty grub
and BAM
there is some tasty grub
the prince is feeling pretty swell now
and then he passes out
and he wakes up next morning and it is time to go hunting

so he gets all gussied up and he goes outside
but the only horse they have for him to ride is a wooden horse
which he is pretty pissed off about understandably
I mean if they hadn’t squandered their horse budget on all these floating hands
they might actually have had some decent animals
but eventually he feels bad so he gets on the horse
and then I guess he sits on it motionlessly for hours while everyone else hunts

but wood horse or no
the prince has a pretty great time at the castle
the time he has is so great that he TOTALLY FORGETS ABOUT THE DOG HE’S SPOSED TO FIND
and he’s like oh shit what now
I gotta be back home in three days and I am dogless
and the cat queen is like don’t worry
I have a walnut
and the prince is like NO TIME FOR WALNUTS I MUST FIND DOGS
and the cat is like dude
there is a dog in this walnut
and the prince is like
that is astonishingly unlikely
but he listens to the walnut
and he hears a fucking dog in there
so he’s like ALRIGHT
and then he gets on the wooden horse
which apparently CAN move
and he rides home
and on the way some uglyass dog starts following him i guess
because then he meets up with his bros and they make fun of him
for his mangy dog and his wooden horse
now I dunno about you
but if someone rode up to me on a fucking AMBULATORY WOODEN HORSE
i would not be like hahaha your horse is wooden asshole
because chances are that asshole is a WIZARD
and his horse is a WIZARD HORSE
but I guess these princes know their little brother isn’t a wizard so it’s safe

anyway they all go into the throne room and show the king their dogs
and of course the youngest prince opens up his walnut and his dog wins
because he used magic to cheat whereas his brothers actually worked hard
but then PLOT TWIST
turns out the king is a powerhungry asshole who doesn’t want to give up his crown
plus he figures he can keep milking his kids for bizarre shit
so he’s like uhhh
great job everyone
but I’m REALLY having a hard time deciding
so how about you guys go find me a piece of muslin so fine
that it can pass through the eye of a needle
muslin I’m guessing is a kind of fabric you use
if you want to sound like you know what you’re talking about
anyway OFF THEY GO

so this time the youngest prince doesn’t waste any time buying up dogs
he just goes straight to the cat castle
the catstle?
KITTY CASTLE 2011-2012
but so he goes up to the cat queen and is like hey baby
got any superfine muslin?
and the queen is like DO I?
and the prince is like does everything here come in walnuts?
and the cat is like not everything
just plot devices

but anyway the prince gets back to the kingdom
and his bros have some pretty fine muslin
but then he is like PREPARE TO GET SHOWN THE FUCK UP
so he cracks his walnut
and inside is a hazelnut
and inside that is a cherry pit
and inside that is a grain of wheat
and inside of that is a millet seed
and the prince is like what the fuck cat
did you spend decades genetically engineering a tree just to fuck with me?
is there a secret grove somewhere
just full of fuckyou trees?
but no
he cracks open the millet seed and inside is A WHOLE BUNCH OF MEGAFINE MUSLIN
it passes through all the needles
but hey guess what
the king is still a powerhungry jackass

so the prince is like man fuck this
and he goes and rides back to the cat
not even to get a princess
just to complain about what a dick his dad is being
and the cat is like pshaw son
i will get you the sexinest princess of all time
all you gotta do
is cut off my head and also my tail
then set them on fire
and the prince is like WHAT!!?
so he cuts off her head and her tail and sets them on fire
because apparently she was raised by fairies
but then they got pissed off because she wanted to fuck some prince
(who coincidentally looked EXACTLY LIKE THIS PRINCE LOOKS)
instead of the king of the dwarves
who is the dude they WANTED her to marry
although I the dwarfking was really even interested
unless her vag was made of gold
but anyway then they go back to the kingdom
and the king is like aw man I don’t wanna be not king anymore
and the princess is like dude it’s fine
I’m so fucking rich
so the two older sons get kingdoms
and then there are still THREE FUCKING KINGDOMS left over for the youngest and her
which sort of begs the question
why did she not just buy herself an army of catwhores and cocaine
and forget all about curses and princes and whatever
but anyway everyone seems happy so that’s ok

so the moral of the story is
it’s totally cool to fuck animals
as long as you decapitate them first

the end.

16 thoughts on “Cats Solve Every Problem

  1. Cousin It was the thing with all the hair. The disembodied hand was Thing.

    God… why do I even know that? The braincells I could put to such better use…

  2. "muslin I'm guessing is a kind of fabric you use
    if you want to sound like you know what you're talking about"

    Well done.

    The French, man. It's all muslin and cats and walnuts.

  3. I love that this one came up; it's one of my very favorite fairy tales from when I was young, and your rendition of it just makes it all better 😀

  4. Haha I was coming in here to see how many people were saying

    that's not cousin itt, that's thing, come on

    so I would not have to be one of those people. Whoops looks like I am anyway sorry.

  5. When I was a kid, I had a book called Folktale Cat, and this particular folktale was my favorite! I was actually pathetically excited when I realized what I was reading here.

  6. Why have I never heard this tale before? Apparently, my childhood was was a long, desolate journey devoid of headless, fiery cat princesses and wooden horses.

    Also, I was under the impression that white cats were bad luck. Does this have anything to do with the myth? Or am I over thinking it?

    I'm probably over thinking it.

    • I think it’s black cats which’re bad luck, actually.
      Oh well, my cat is black AND white so I’ve got ALL THE BAD LUCK anyways.

  7. The ad below this post is for cat regenerative medicine, and there's a bigass pic of something gross like cat guts and some dude's hand (JUST THE HAND) with a needle. This freaks me the fuck out.

  8. oh man that last thing made me remember some really fuck up shit video of a dude and a cow´s head, let me tell you one thing NASTY, super ugly shit that I don´t wish anybody sees. I think it was porno but I can´t tell because I was busy throwing up all my lunch so yeah awful shit.
    so the moral of the comment is never ever click on a link your cousin sends to you or you may end up scared for life (did I mentioned the dude had a dress on? that shit was completly fuck up!)

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