Charlemagne is Heteroflexible

Here’s one I learned from Italo Calvino:

Okay so Charlemagne is this guy you may have heard of
he used to be the king of france or something
pretty great dude all around
you can play as him in Age of Empires 3 I think
dude is being totally unreasonable about a hot chick

Now friends,
I know a hot chick is not an unusual thing to be unreasonable about
but dude is being SERIOUSLY unreasonable
like most dudes get a little stupid around bonafide hotness
but that stupidity generally only extends to hot chicks who are not corpses
but this chick we are talking about here
she has DIED
and Charlemagne is still swoonin’
he’s got her up in his bed
doing god knows what to her
and everyone is starting to get a little grossed out
ESPECIALLY the archbishop
because if you are the archbishop of a big kingdom like this
it is kind of a black mark against you
if your boss is a necrophiliac

But the archbishop has mad respect for Charlemagne
he figures that there’s gotta be something fishy going on
like magic or some shit
so he sneaks into Charlemagne’s room in the middle of the night
and he sticks his fist in the hot chick’s mouth
and what does he find under her tongue?
but no sooner does the archbishop take it
then Charlemagne wakes up and falls INSTANTLY IN LOVE with the archbishop

So Charlemagne is dragging this archbishop around with him wherever he goes
they eat together
go hunting together
they sleep together
which is really the great thing about being a king, I think
is that a truly legit king can be as gay as he wants
and no one can really say shit about it

but finally the archbishop gets bored of all this affection and ass-sex
and he’s like dammit
what am I going to do with this ring
if I just leave it lying around
who knows what kind of twank is going to pick it up
but if I keep holding onto it I am looking at either death by exhaustion
or rectal prolapse

so he does
but all that does is make Charlemagne fall in love with the lake
and then he builds a chapel there and spends all his time there forever
and it’s really kind of a shitty place, so that sucks.

Alright so the moral of the story
is that if you find yourself falling in love with someone
stick your hand in their mouth real quick
just to make sure it’s legit.


8 thoughts on “Charlemagne is Heteroflexible

    • “The Ring of Fastrada”. Fastrada was Charlemagne’s third wife. The ring in question was set with a magic gem that Charlemagne got from a snake in exchange for protecting the snake’s eggs from a toad (look these things happen in folklore, roll with it).

  1. You’d think the archbishop would’ve thought ahead and given the ring to the hot princess of Spain or something. He doesn’t die of excessive boning, and the kingdom gets a new ally!

  2. That Archbishop sure has some smooth moves, what with thinking it’s a great idea to throw this super magical anime ring into a LAKE

    • “That is ‘Spring of Drowned Magic Love Ring’. There is legend of a Magic Love Ring that drown there 1200 years ago. Now whoever fall in spring becomes Magic Love Ring. Is very tragic story.”

  3. You can play Frederick 1 Barbarossa in AoE 2 (the one busy with the Middle-Ages), not Charlemagne.
    AoE 3 starts at the end of the Middle-Ages, long after the bugger’s death (814).


  4. Speaking of Charlemange, the song of Roland is pretty fucking badass. Unless you don’t like paladins of the Holy Roman Emperor holding off an army of half a million heathens.

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