ENOUGH with the cows

Remember Loki?

I bet you do
he’s that hair-stealing
eating-contest-losing motherfucker
who is pretty much responsible
for every bad thing
that happens in the norse universe
so here’s another entry
on the list of ways loki fucked up everything
one day he’s wandering around jotunheim
where all the giants live
and he sees this chick AngrboĆ°a
pronounced
ANGER
BOW
THE
and he is like welp
i know she’s pretty ugly
and a giantess
and her name is kind like an anagram
of THE ANGER BOW
but you know what
i’m gonna tap that
and have three kids with that
and all three of those kids
are going to be horrible beasts
ultimately responsible for the end of the world
i see no problems with this
so he gets busy
i’ll talk about all the kids eventually
but right now lets just focus on the first kid
a giant wolf named Fenrir
now loki has fenrir
and brings him to Asgard
and all the gods are like holy fuck what is that
and they instantly know that this wolf
is gonna be the death of them
but instead of doing anything about it
they decide to see if they can just raise it as their own
presumably because they dont want to hurt loki’s feelings
so this god Tyr
the god of single combat and being awesome
gets put in charge of feeding Fenrir
because he’s the only person with sufficient testicular mass
to actually go near the wolf
and fenrir gets bigger
and bigger
and holy shit bigger
until the gods start to be like
um guys
we should really do something about this wolf
so what they do
is they make a big metal chain
this chain is so incredibly massive
that they don’t feel right
until they give it a name
that name is Leyding
so they go up to fenrir like hey man
i bet you totally can’t break out of this chain
if you let us tie you up with it
and fenrir is like oh yeah
and the Aesir are like yeah
and fenrir is like ok bring it
so they tie him up
and he pretty much just flexes a little
and the chains break like cobwebs
and fenrir gets famous
and the gods are like fuck
that backfired
ok lets make a better chain
so they make a chain
TWO TIMES AS STRONG
as Leyding
and they name it Dromi
and they go back to fenrir like hey
HEY
bet you can’t break THIS chain
and fenrir is like
i dont know if i want to let you tie me up again
and the gods are like do you want to be double famous
breaking this chain would totally make you double famous
and fenrir is like ugh ok
so he lets them tie him up again
and he flexes a little
but the chain doesnt break
so then he kicks the chain
and it does break
and the gods are all like DAMMIT
ok we definitely need a better chain
somebody call some dwarves
so the dwarves are like ok
the mistake you guys have been making
is you have been trying to make a chain
out of ordinary things
like metal
instead of abstract concepts
like the sound of a cat’s footfall
so what the dwarves do
is they take the sound of a cat’s footfall
along with the roots of a mountain
the sinews of a bear
the beard of a woman
- remember these are dwarves
their BEARDS have beards -
and the breath of a fish
and the spit of a bird
so thats why you cant hear cats walking around
and mountains dont have roots
and fish dont breathe
and birds dont spit
but like
i think bears still probably have sinews
and i have definitely met me some bearded ladies
so i guess the dwarves were not that thorough
but anyway
somehow they manage to like
synthesize all this shit
into the ultimate chain
except its not a chain
its a ribbon
called gleipnir
it is thin and pink and soft
and the gods go and bring it to fenrir
and are like i bet you cant get out of this ribbon
and fenrir is like come ON guys
there is no fame to be gained
from breaking a fucking little girl’s pretty bow
and i dont think youd even be asking me to break this
if you had not magicked up some ridiculous bullshit
that means i will like
lose my balls
or my face will come off
when you tie me up
and the gods are like no no no
why would we do that
what do you think we are
desperately afraid of you or something
we just thought
that if the great wolf fenrir
was too much of a pussy to let himself get tied up
by a fucking pink ribbon
we might just go and tell everybody about that
and then they would laugh at you
thats all
and fenrir is like FUCK
FINE
but i seriously dont trust you guys
so how about i’ll let you tie me up
if one of you puts your hand in my mouth
as collateral
and all the gods are like um well
uh
and then Tyr is like i’ll do it
because he’s a fucking badass
moved almost to the point of vomiting
but what tremendous pansies all his friends are
so then they tie fenrir up
and fenrir flexes
and then he tries kicking
and then he tries flailing around like a fucking lunatic
but that ribbon does not break
and he is like DAMMIT
and bites of Tyr’s hand
and everyone laughs at fenrir
except for tyr
because he just got his hand bit off
and then fenrir is all trying to scream and bite everyone
so they jam a sword in his mouth
to keep it open forever
and fenrir drools
which makes an entire fucking river
called “hope” in norse for some reason
like this is some kind of fucked up morbid motivational poster
HOPE:
YOU WILL EVENTUALLY ESCAPE YOUR HELLISH PRISON
AND RAIN DEATH AND FIRE UPON MIDGARD
because actually that is what the norse prophecy says
is that eventually
at the end of the world
Fenrir will get loose
and eat odin
so i guess the moral of the story really is
hang in there
and also that if you have a friend like loki
who fucks giants and keeps bringing home mutant babies
stop hanging out with that friend

the end

RedditStumbleUponShare

12 thoughts on “ENOUGH with the cows

  1. “DO YOU HAVE A CRISIS?
    YES
    DID THE GIANTS DO IT?
    NO?
    LOKI DID IT.”

    I live by this, and this myth is just further proof why.

  2. Pingback: Freyr Cocks It All Up | Myths RETOLD

  3. me reading these after loving loki because of the avengers:

    “i would totally fuck loki and birth his mutant children…”

    me thinking of actual loki, not from the avengers:

    “fuck dude, even loki’s issues have major issues…”

  4. Pingback: The Daughter of the Sun is HOT | Myths RETOLD

  5. Pingback: Beren and Luthien Write a Bad Romance | Myths RETOLD

  6. Pingback: RoS: “The Time of the Wolf.” (Part One) | Sword, Table, Antlers

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>