Here’s one you probably haven’t heard before:
So this takes place in India
and as I’m sure we all rashly assume
India is just CRAWLING with sages
Like you cannot open up your refrigerator to get some eggs
without half a dozen sages crawling out and giving boons to your raisin bran.
But EVEN SO
the sage that this story is about
manages to totally distinguish himself.
See, one day this dude is resting by the side of the road
next to these things they have in India called lingams.
Now for those of you that don’t know
(for example, me before I did a quick google image search)
a lingam is just a big stone dick sticking out of a big stone vagina.
It looks like this:
And it doesn’t just look like that
that’s what it’s supposed to be.
It’s supposedly about the unity of god and goddess or something
but I think it’s mainly just about how sexytimes are awesome and people like to carve boners.
So this sage is resting by this sex sculpture
and he does the natural thing for a very relaxed dude to do
which is he kicks up his feet and places them on this holy statue.
Now along comes a priest
and the priest is like DUDE
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING
THAT DONG-VAG COMBO IS TOTALLY SACRED
GET YOUR FEET OFF THERE.
And the sage is like oh shit dude, sorry
I totally wanna do what you’re telling me
But I’m kinda already super relaxed though
could you please kindly put my feet somewhere where there ISN’T a totally sacred dong-vag combo?
and the priest is like GLADLY.
So the priest picks up this dude’s feet
and moves them a little to the left
and then he puts them down and SPROING
here comes a brand new dick, charging out of the ground to meet this guy’s feet
or should I say MEAT his feet?
So then the priest picks up his feet and moves them to the right
and the priest keeps doing this
until there is basically just a forest of dicks around these two sweaty men in the forest
at which point the priest is like this is getting a little too weird for me
how about I just bow down to you and then get the fuck out of here?
you’re the greatest.
And then he’s gone and the sage gets to chill out in peace
surrounded by a theoretically limitless quantity of stone penii
(actually I don’t know if they are stone penii or actual penii.
I guess that is yet another
MYSTERY FOR THE AGES.)
Anyway, the moral of the story is supposed to be something about cosmic unity.
I call bullshit.
The real moral of the story
is watch where you step
cause dicks are lurking EVERYWHERE.
The morals of your stories always crack me the fuck up. Good job!
Your artistic skills are, um…. hey, look at that ring of boobs around the base!
I’m kidding. But not about the ring of boobs.
Surely this sage, by the powers of extrapolation, would have caused dicks to shoot up underfoot wherever he went in life? Does that mean that nobody should ever go to India because all the main roads are covered in dicks?
Unrelated note, DO THIS: http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2166
Moral of the story is that God is everywhere. No one place is sacred/holy.
The plural of penis is penes, pronounced pee-knees. Fun to say, but doesn’t look as good on the page as penii. Nothing like a page full of penii, grandmammy always used to say.
Also, GROINS AHOY is my new phone greeting, so thank you for that.