Everybody Poops/Dies

Here’s a myth I stole from one of my students
who stole it from Grimm’s, so it’s all good:

okay so there is a giant
he is stomping through the hills doing giant shit
which basically amounts to being naked
swinging a club
and taking giant shits
but suddenly his blissful morning routine is interrupted
by this impudent jerk standing in his path
the jerk is like YO STOP
and the giant is like FUCK YOU I’M A GIANT
and the jerk is like OH YEAH WELL I’M DEATH
and the giant is like DUDE I’M NOT EVEN REAL
(he doesn’t make that noise with his mouth
he makes it with his club
well actually it is a collaborative effort
between the giant’s club and death’s face)
then the giant walks away to go be naked somewhere else
thus ending the only recorded mythical instance

so death just got chumped
and he is feeling pretty down
dude is made out of all bones, you see
he is not super durable
so he’s basically a pile of really deadly powder right now
wondering what’s gonna happen to the world when nobody can die
perhaps overpopulation will strangle humanity once and for all
or perhaps earth will turn into a rad valhalla where everyone parties forever
but we don’t get to find out
because this is when some jackass walks by and sees death all messed up
and is like here dude let me help you with those multiple fractures

so death gets up and is like dude
thank you so much for shitting all over the greatest boon humanity has ever received
how can I ever re-pay you
and the dude is like uhh
how about immortality?
and death is like naw bro that ship has sailed
tell you what
you’ll still die
but I’ll let you know I’m coming before I kill you
so you won’t be taken by surprise
and the dude is like okay I can deal

so this near-death experience obviously has an effect on this dude’s life
whereas most people go through a phase of life called a “mid-life crisis”
this man goes through a similar but importantly different phase
called “never-gonna-die sex party”
he drinks all the booze
gets all the laid
this dude becomes so committed to partying
that if the beastie boys were to force him to fight for his right to do so
the result would be WORLD WAR THREE

but then he gets sick
at first he’s pretty sure it’s just the mother of all hangovers
come to reprimand her most precocious of children
but it goes on for a WHILE
every part of his body seems determined to let him know what a terrible asshole he is
except for his asshole
which is determined to let him know what a terrible asshole IT is
so he’s curled up around the toilet, hating his life
but he takes solace in the fact
that he knows he’s not gonna die
cause death said he’d get a warning first

so eventually the tornado in his bowels clears up
and he goes right back to boozing and whoring
except the very next day someone taps him on the shoulder
death is like alright dude it’s time to die
and the man is like wait wait wait hold on
I did not get any type of warning
I have a date with siamese twins at 6:00 man
you can’t block my cock like that
and death is like dude
I’ve blocked mightier cocks than yours
plus I totally did warn you
what do you call two months of intense gastrointestinal distress, huh?
and the man is like oh COME ON
and death is like no YOU come on
we are going to hell together and I will not hear another word about it

so the moral of the story
is that if you see death lying on the ground
do not help that dude up
cause he gives bullshit prizes


8 thoughts on “Everybody Poops/Dies

  1. Death is always tricked by the dumbest of all asses, it seems, except maybe the Dullahan. But they’re faeries, so who cares what they do/think?

    Also, generic words of praise, my friend showed me this site and now I curse your name as I roll around on the floor laughing in school! And many more~!

  2. As always, this retelling is hilarious, disgusting, and awesome. Gotta say Im honored you kept his nakedness, whether it was from my retelling or the fact that giants just need to be naked in myths. I mean c’mon who’s gonna make apparel for such humongous jerkish assholes. I’m not sure I’ve ever read a myth where a giant isn’t a huge jerk (I’d encourage you to prove me wrong). Anyway, love this story glad you liked it too!

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