Alright so announcement time:
A dude gave me 20 dollars
so I am in the process of recording a rap
about motherfucking OEDIPUS REX
see what i did there
motherfucking?
ha HA!
anyway that should be done by the end of the week or something
keep your ears peeled
except not literally that would be gross
that’s some serial killer shit
ANYWAY here’s a myth suggested by this dude(tte?) Husker
So this kid Faustus right
actually he is not a kid he is a grown man
he is grown as FUCK actually
he is so grown he has like
A PhD in philosophy
and he’s a lawyer
also a doctor
probably got a MBA in tapdancing or some shit
point is this dude is a career academic
but he is SURPRISINGLY UNSATISFIED
in fact as our story begins
he is pacing back and forth in his study
like HMM WHAT IS THE BEST SCIENCE?
MEDICINE?
NOPE.
LAW?
NOPE.
LOGIC?
NOPE.
OH I KNOW
NECROMANCY
THAT’S TOTALLY A SCIENCE
LET’S DO THIS
so he hits up his shitty evil friends
Valdes and Cornelius
oh come on
how can you not be evil with a name like cornelius
or valdes for that matter
those are some evil goddamn names
OH SHIT SEGUE
because damning god is exactly what these fools are about to do
in fact by the time they leave
faustus is damning god so hard
that this demon mephistopheles shows up like FINE WHAT
WHAT DO YOU WANT
and faustus is like do my bidding
and mephistopheles is like DO YOU HAVE A SOUL I CAN BORROW
NOT REALLY SURE WHEN I CAN GET IT BACK TO YOU
I JUST NEED SOME SOULS TO GET THIS PARTY STARTED
and faustus is like how about i give you my soul in 24 years
and in the meantime you do my fucking bidding
and Mephistopheles is like
well
lemme check with my boss
GUYS
THERE IS NO HAGGLING AT ALL
AND FAUSTUS DOES NOT EVEN TRY TO START
FROM A NONSHITTY BARGAINING POSITION
24 FUCKING YEARS?
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO IN 24 YEARS ASSHOLE
WRITE A FUCKING MEMOIR?
YOU COULDN’T HAVE ASKED FOR
I DON’T KNOW
TWENTY FIVE YEARS?!
HOW ABOUT 30 OR SO?
WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?
DID YOU LOOK UP THE BLUE BOOK VALUE OF YOUR SOUL IN ADVANCE?
THERE IS NO EXCUSE
meanwhile faustus’s servant Wagner steals one of his books
and uses a bunch of shitty magic to scare a clown
BACK TO THE MAIN ACTION
mephistopheles shows up like AHOY BITCH