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SO GRETTIR THE STRONG

he is the dude who steals fire
punches kids in the head
and for some reason has a really bad reputation in Norway
AND NOW HE’S AT IT AGAIN

so it’s around christmastime
and Grettir shows up at the house of some dude named Einar
he’s all yo dude lemme crash in your house
and Einar is all i’d rather not
I hear you are a wanted criminal who punches orphans
and Grettir is like whoa dude
that sounds like something an orphan would say
my orphan punching arm is getting kind of itchy
and einar is like I made a pile of all the beds
take them
do whatever you want with them

so but actually this ends up turning out pretty well for Einar
because
in the words of this saga:
“in many parts of norway at this time
outlaws and criminals would suddenly appear”
that’s right
this is the period of Norweigan history that inspired Gauntlet: Legends
so everyone is just chilling out
going about their business
when BAM
CRIMINALS
WHERE DID THEY COME FROM?
WHO KNOWS
THERE’S PROBABLY A GLOWING SHED ABOUT THIRTY FEET UPHILL
CONSTANTLY SPAWNING THESE FUCKERS
(if you have never played gauntlet
let me explain it real quick
it is basically a thing you can spend an infinite amount of time on
that contains absolutely no fun
sort of like mashed potatoes
it’s rad having a big bowl of mashed potatoes at dinner with all your bros
but when you are eating mashed potatoes alone in the dark at 2AM there is a problem
anyway I have a copy of it for the PS2 if anyone wants to buy it)
so these criminals have names
pretty sure
but i’m not picking up the book to look them up
it doesn’t matter because (SPOILER ALERT) they die
let me explain to you how that happens
because that is surely the most excellent part of this myth

ok so this brigand rolls up with his posse
like yo Einar
word on the street is that your wife has a vagina
and I was just telling my crew the other day
vaginas are my bread and butter
and I’ve already fucked all my bread and butter to pieces so how about that vagina
and Einar is like now normally I would say yes
but only if you were asking me a completely different question about something else
and this brigand is like ok well option two
I stab your face off
and Einar is like these are not great options you are giving me
i think I need to consult with my resident badass
HEY GRETTIR
and grettir is like wut
I was just about to go see if I could steal honey from some bees
maybe kick some bears in the nuts
nothing terrible has happened to me recently I think i’m losing my edge
and Einar is like no time for that what should I do about Mister Mcstabberson here?
and Grettir is like oh him?
dude whatever just ignore him he’ll go away
and Einar is like by go away do you mean stab my face off
at which point the dude is like T MINUS TEN SECONDS TO STABOFF
and Grettir is like dude chill out
we are not fighting dudes
are are all real groovy pacifists or whatever
and the berserker is all like I bet I could kick your ass
and grettir is like
“What is tested is known”
which is the Medieval Norse equivalent of
“That is not what your mom said last night”
and the berserker for some reason gets the idea that Grettir is stalling
so he does what any reasonable person would do in this situation
he starts EATING HIS SHIELD
he just basically stuffs the edge of his shield as far into his mouth as he can
and gives it a taste of the ol’ tongue tornado if you know what I mean
if you know what I mean you’re a fucking pervert
and I am not letting you near my shields
anyway this is the moment Grettir has been waiting for I guess?
because he just walks over to the berserker
checks him out for a second
then SIDEKICKS THE SHIELD THROUGH HIS FACE
and then as if that wasn’t enough
he grabs what’s left of the dude’s head
pulls him off his horse
steals his sword
and then decapitates him with it
all in the space of like three seconds
at which point the dude’s homies realize they are in wayyyyy over their heads
and they get the fuck out of there
and Grettir is like should I chase them?
nahhhh
and he goes back to causing problems for a while until he dies

so the moral of the story here is pretty straightforward
don’t put weapons in your mouth
i feel like you guys could have figured that out on your own
but if that’s true
then why did anyone bother writing this myth?

FOOD FOR THOUGHT.