Okay so there’s some dudes right
they’re in england and they hate it and I don’t blame them
England sucks
happy america day assholes
So then they leave in some boats
and they go hit up amsterdam
because they hear that is where they grow the good weed
but then their kids start to do really terrible shit
like learn dutch
and maybe not be super christian all the time?
and no amount of good weed is worth that
so they get on some MORE boats
called the Mayflower and the Speedwell
and they sail to AMERICA
except apparently some smartass decided to name the speedwell ironically
and it is actually a slow as shit loserbarge
and it has to go home early and miss the america party
except it turns out that the america party is actually a really shitty party
because step one of the party is wait on a boat for FUCKING EVER
getting hungry and perpetually seasick
but at least someone has the good sense to poop out a baby
which they name OCEANUS
but that is just about the only objectively rad thing in this whole story
because when they show up in America it is ULTRA WINTER
like if winter were to take steroids and then craft for itself a robot ice suit
and team up with mister freeze to spew catchphrases and ice beams
all over this damn country
and see they were kind of hoping to find some like
good wholesome christian white folks
in gated communities with supermarkets and bowling alleys
and instead they get SKULLFUCK RUTHLESS WINTER
and a ton of people die
because that’s what winter is all about

but some people survive the winter
and he goes out and finds him some Indians
because remember
everyone still thinks they’re in india I guess?
and one of the indians is I guess named Squanto
and that indian teaches all the white dudes to plant CORN and BARLEY
and the white dudes are like THANK YOU KIND INDIAN
and then later all the crops sprout
and the white dudes go into the forest and shoot like A THOUSAND turkeys
also some deers
and then they cut them all open and invite EVERYBODY
and all the indians show up and bring crazy foreign shit to eat
and everyone is so super jazzed about all this food
that they do not stop partying for THREE DAYS
and there are NINETY DUDES
and then the party is over and the white dudes are like okay guys that was great
but we’re totally killing you now
you know
for your land
and the indians are like haha joke’s on you
you can’t kill us if we DIE OF SMALLPOX FIRST
and then everyone decides to relive this momentous occasion yearly
on an arbitrary thursday
by producing more food than they can possibly consume
and then goading each other into eating it
also: Families!

so the moral of the story
is next time you wanna have a party
but you are worried that you do not have a good enough reason
maybe just
have a party
your reasoning can’t be any worse than these pilgrim dudes


(I actually really like thanksgiving though)

20 thoughts on “HAPPY THANKSGIVING

  1. I fucking hate Thanksgiving. I don't understand how an entire country can celebrate the time they massacred a bunch of locals who tried to help them. But I'm English, and we celebrate the day someone tried to blow up our government with fireworks. So, celebrate no explosions by having explosions. Makes sense. People are dumb.

  2. Anonymous 1: A large percentage of the world celebrates the wrong birthday of a guy who lived 2000 years ago by erecting a pine tree in their homes and awaiting the arrival of a fat man in a red suit who is completely unrelated to the person whose birthday is being mis-remembered. Moral of the story: almost all holidays are bizarre, when you get down to it.

  3. Anon 3: considering the christian church stole the date and many of the traditions of the pagan's celebration of the winter solstice not really bizarre at all

  4. Anon 4: Just because there is a reasonable explanation as to how things got the way they are doesn't mean it didn't end up bizarre.

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  6. Anom 1: It’s less that we celebrate genocide, more that we celebrate that one bright shining happy moment where it looks like everything was going to be ok and everyone was going to live in peace forever, and then try not to dwell on what actually happened in the years after that.

  7. “Thanksgiving: Give thanks for what you have now, because as soon as it’s over, all that shit’s gonna get fucked up.”

    I find that having this yearly only manages to change it to:

    “Thanksgiving: all your shit got fucked up since last time, and now you have to pretend you have something to be thankful for in front of smug relatives.”


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