Holy shit guys

apparently i should have told this myth a while ago
because according to this myth
which is from africa by the way
before this story happened
there were no stories
at all
this is the origin story
of STORIES
alright so
there’s this god of the sky
his name is Nyame
he has all the stories
and thats pretty lame
because he doesnt tell any of them
so this spider anansi
the character spiderman is based on
is like mannnn
living is boring
i wish i had some stories
specifically
i wish I had all the stories
and i wish most of them were about me
maybe even all of them
so he goes to nyame and is like
how much for all your stories
and nyame is like hm
well im not really using these stories
and i dont really need anything else
because i am the god
of the motherfucking SKY
so how about i just name a bunch of deadly predators
much larger and stronger than you
and you bring them all to me
i dont even know what im gonna do with them
probably set them free or some shit
i am basically just trying to make your life hard
to entertain myself
because its not like i have all the stories to amuse myself with or anything
so bring me a python
a leopard
a fuckton of hornets
and a dwarf
see? africa doesnt like dwarves either
stumpy gold-fucking parasites
so anyway anansi agrees
because he has nothing better to do
and goes out to capture some animals
first he hits up this python Onini
what he does is he stands outside Onini’s house
and loudly debates with his wife whether Onini is longer than a palm branch
and onini
who places incredible importance on trivial bullshit
comes out of his house like guys
guys
i am totally longer than a palm branch
and anansi is like ok lie down next to this branch
and onini does
but he has a hard time being totally straight
har har
so anansi is like
hey man its hard to tell accurately how big you are
unless you are totally straight
let me help you
by tying you to the palm branch
and onini is like dur ok
and anansi ties him to the branch
and then brings him to nyame
then anansi goes out and digs a big hole
in the middle of the jungle
and Osebo the leopard comes walking along
not paying any attention to his surroundings
and falls into the hole
anansi runs over like hey man
looks like you are inside of a hole
allow me to help you out of there with my spider webs
and Osebo is like dur ok
and by the time anansi has helped him out
he has also helped him to become completely tangled in webs
and he takes Osebo to Nyame
then he goes and finds a hornet’s nest
full of Mmoboro hornets
and he takes a calabash
which is a big hollowed out gourd
that kinda looks like tits if you turn it sideways
and he fills it with water
and starts dumping it all over the hornet’s nest like
HORNETS
HORNETS
ITS FUCKING RAINING
GET OUT GET OUT
GONNA DIE HORNETS
GONNA DIE
and the hornets are like SHIT WHERE DO WE GO
and anansi is like I HAVE THE PERFECT SOLUTION
GET INTO THIS GOURD THAT LOOKS LIKE TITS
IT IS THE ONLY WAY
so the hornets are like dur ok
and fly into the gourd
and anansi plugs it up
and brings it to Nyame
so 3 down 1 to go
anansi still has to capture this dwarf Mmoatia
who hangs out with all the other dwarves under the odum tree
so what anansi does
is he makes a fake dwarf out of like spiderwebs and grass or something
and covers it in like sticky taffy
and then puts it under the odum tree
along with a big bowl of nutritious yarn
so Mmoatia sees this bowl of yarn next to this fake dwarf
and is like YUM YARN
I LOVE EATING STUPID INEDIBLE BULLSHIT
BECAUSE I AM A DWARF
AND GOLD HAS BEEN SCARCE LATELY
and she eats all the yarn
and then is like thank you strange silent dwarf
for giving me this precious foodstuff
and the fake dwarf is like

and mmoatia is like hey
arent you gonna say you’re welcome
and the fake dwarf is like

and probably falls over
because it is an inanimate fucking object
and this offends mmoatia so much
she is like ILL TEACH YOU TO NOT SAY YOURE WELCOME
TO THE PERSON WHO JUST ATE ALL YOUR DELICIOUS YARN
and she smacks the taffydwarf upside the head
and her hand gets stuck
and mmoatia is like DURR I’LL TEACH YOU TO STICK TO MY HAND
and smacks it with her other hand
and that gets stuck too
at which point anansi shows and is like
man i was gonna wait for you to kick it too
but this is just too painful to watch
come on lets go see nyame
and nyame is like THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR ALL THIS USELESS BULLSHIT ANANSI
HERE
HAVE ALL THE STORIES
and now anansi has a ton of stories
most of them are about him
some of them arent
but they still belong to him
like if anyone else tries to make a movie
bam
anansi is right there
demanding his royalties
so guys
the moral of the story is
you are going to need to take advantage
of the stupidity of your animal pals
in order to make it in the entertainment industry

The End.