I told you that story so i could tell you this one

Ok so check it

this one day thor is sitting around in asgard
and he is really fucking bored
and is like hey guys
wanna go kill some giants?
and his servant Thialfi is like
and then thor is like hey loki
do you want to come fuck with some some giants
cause like
we have both totally forgotten
about how you shaved my wife’s head
and then how afterwards
i knocked you out with a hammer
so that dwarves could sew your mouth shut

and loki is like sure ok
so these three dudes go to jotunheim
which is the dimension where all the giants live
and they just kind of pick a direction
and start walking
because like
if you are in the dimension where all the giants live
it is not going to be very hard to find giants
you are not going to need things like
a map
or infared goggles
or like some kind of a compass
that uses giants for magnets
but what you are going to need
and what thor totally forgets to bring
is something to sleep in during the night
because jotunheim is ass cold all the time
but luckily though when it gets dark they find a cave
and they go in and go to sleep
but they dont sleep for very long
because there is a fucking EARTHQUAKE
so thialfi and loki are like shit shit shit
and thor is like awesome
i love earthquakes
because normal stationary rocks are NOT HARDCORE ENOUGH
so you pussies can go hide in the cave
i am going to stand at the mouth of the cave
holding my hammer
in case i need to beat the shit out of some boulders or something
so loki and thialfi go hide
in this adjoining chamber in the cave
meanwhile thor just stands in the mouth of the cave
just WAITING for some boulders to get uppity
but nothing happens until the next morning
when all three dudes come out of the cave
and find this fucking MASSIVE giant out there
this giant is SO massive
that thor is actually afraid to use his hammer on it
THOR is afraid to use his hammer
the guy who was just talking shit to an EARTHQUAKE
is afraid to use his hammer on this dude
so instead he decides to actually try like
talking to someone instead of instantly killing them
and is like dude sup
what is your name
and the giant says oh hey man
my name is Skrymir
you must be thor
i heard you yelling GET SOME at some rocks last night
by the way
what the fuck were you guys doing in my glove?
see it turns out what they thought was a cave
is actually this motherfucker’s glove
and the chamber where loki and thialfi hid
is the thumb
so they all feel pretty retarded
but they get over it in the traditional way
which is to make breakfast
and then skrymir is like hey how about
i carry all your food along with mine
and he does it
and then the gods spend basically the whole day
trying to keep up with his giant strides
but they manage it
and they make camp for the night
this time not in a glove
and skrymir is like you guys can make dinner
im going to bed
so he goes to sleep
and thor tries to open the bag with all the food in it
but that asshole skrymir has apparently tied the bag so hard
that thor cannot open it
so everyone is really fucking hungry
when skrymir starts SNORING
he snores so fucking loud
it drives thor into a murderous rage
although really
it does not take a whole lot to induce a murderous rage in thor
so anyway thor grabs his hammer
and hits skrymir on the head as hard as he can
and skrymir wakes up and is like oh hey guys
did a leaf just fall on my head or something
and thor is like NO
and skrymir is like oh ok
well have you eaten yet?
are you ready to go to sleep?
and then he stomps over to his bed and he lies down
and skrymir starts snoring again
and thor gets DOUBLE-PISSED
and he grabs his hammer
and he hits Skrymir EVEN HARDER
so hard that it actually makes a dent in the giant’s head
and skrymir wakes up and is like whoa hey
are there like
some birds up in that tree
dislodging some like
very soft moss
that might have fallen on my head or something
and thor is like NO NOTHING HAPPENED
and he decides that if he has to hit skrymir again
he is going to fucking shatter his brain
sure enough
skrymir starts his magical snoring adventure all over again
and thor is like ok thats it
get ready to die
and he hits skrymir SO HARD
that he buries the hammer in his skull UP TO THE HANDLE
that is like brain damage city right there
next stop concussion island
but skrymir just wakes up like OH SHIT
by this point its like 6AM
and no one except skrymir has had any sleep at all
and also no one got any dinner
but thor is not willing to admit either of those things
so they all start walking again
and skrymir is like ok guys so
if you want to see like a whole ton of giants
you should check out this castle over here
its called utgard
and it is full of huge motherfuckers like me
so my suggestion is when you go there
dont start a pissing contest with these dudes
because they have balls bigger than your house
and they will fucking drown you in urine
anyway i gotta go now
have fun
so thor and loki and thialfi all go to this castle
and they walk in
and they see the king sitting in his fucking gigantic throne
the king’s name is Utgard-Loki
no relation to regular loki
except that he’s a huge prick
thor is super respectful to him
and in exchange Utgard-Loki is just like
did someone order some pathetic quivering vaginas
oh wait thats not a vagina thats Thor
hey thor whats up
i thought you were a vagina for a second there
because you look so fucking weak
but hey
i’m willing to concede that you guys are not tremendous pussies
but only if you impress me with some kind of mad skill
guys what are you all good at
and so loki is like well i can eat really fast
so Utgard-loki is like well ok
how about you have a foodrace with this dude logi
yeah i know his name is a lot like your name
and also that my name is a lot like your name
look dude just go with it
so logi and loki
stand on opposite ends of a trough
and they chow the fuck down
until they meet in the middle
exactly in the middle
so loki is like awesome
a tie
but then he looks
and not only has logi eaten all the meat
hes also eaten all the bones
and also the trough
so you know
thats pretty demoralizing
next thialfi is like well hm
im a really fucking fast runner
and utgard-loki is like ok
race this guy hugi
and hugi is just so much ridiculously faster than thialfi
by the time thialfi has run like ten feet
hugi has won the race
and then run back to the starting line
and in between
probably fucked thialfi’s dad or something
so then utgard-loki is like ok thor
you have some pretty shitty friends
i hope you suck less than them
what are you good at
and thor says i am the best at getting drunk
so utgard-loki is like ok here
and he gives him a drinking horn
the manliest of all drinking vessels
and is like ok
if you are a good drinker you will down this in one try
two is the average
and even the biggest pansy in the castle can do it in 3
so thor looks at the horn
its pretty big
but thor is like world champion of alcoholism
so hes like psh no problem
and he starts chugging
and he chugs for prolly like
a solid hour
and then looks into the horn
and it’s hardly gone down at all
so he tries again
just suckin that shit down
but when he looks theres still a whole ton of wine
so he tries a THIRD time
and just keeps right on failing
so utgard-loki is like damn thor
how does it feel living life without testicles
i have never seen anything so pathetic
but hey maybe you’re better at lifting things
than you are at drinking things
here see if you can lift my cat
utgard-loki’s cat is pretty big
but not huge
so thor is like seriously guys
did you know that i can punch holes in dragons
what is this bullshit
and he walks over to the cat
and he strains and strains to pick it up
but that cat is apparently an expert at being obese
because thor only gets one of its paws off the ground
and utgard-loki is like careful there thor
if you suck any harder you might turn into a black hole or some shit
and thor is like oh yeah cockblanket?
well how about a wrestling match
i will tear your nuts off and sew them to your eyelids
and utgard-loki is like dude
you cant even lift my cat
im not gonna wrestle you
how about you wrestle my grandma instead
and thor is like bring it
i will beat her to death
i dont care how old she is
so utgard-loki sends in his grandma elli
and elli just fucking wrecks thor
like the more thor holds onto her
the less she moves
until she basically just triple body-slams him
puts him in a chokehold
and brutally tears off
what little is left of thor’s manhood and dignity
so thor goes to sleep feeling like shit
and so do loki and thialfi
but at least utgard-loki is nice enough to cook them breakfast
and then when they are leaving the city
and thor is all moping about how much he apparently sucks
utgard-loki is like hey dudes
let me tell you a secret
i totally pranked the shit out of all of you
skrymir was actually me
the first thing i did
was i put all your food in my bag
and then tied it with iron wire
so you couldn’t open it
then when you kept hitting my head
i used some tricky illusions
and made you beat the shit out of a nearby mountain instead
the dents are still there you should check it out
so then you guys got here
and i made loki have an eating contest with fire
and then thialfi had a footrace with thought
both of which were pretty fucking unfair
but funny as shit
then you started trying to prove yourself
and you nearly fucked up everything
everything in the entire world
see that horn i gave you
was directly connected
to the world’s oceans
do you realize you actually lowered the water level
dude do you realize how much water that was
we live in an iceworld
liquid water is a precious commodity
we need that shit back
anyway after that you tried to lift my cat
well guess what
my cat
was actually
yeah and when you got one of the paws off the ground
you were actually stretching the shit out of the serpent
which is bad because like
as i just said
it holds up the earth
so that was almost a disaster
oh and elli was actually old age
so there’s that
basically i need you to get the fuck out of my city
and never come back
if you come back
i will be forced to prank you some more
and you will look like even more of a pussy than you are now
and it will not accomplish anything
so thor and loki and thialfi all go home
learning a valuable lesson
which is that if you fail at something
you probably actually succeeded
but then a giant evil wizard
made everyone think you failed

the end

8 thoughts on “I told you that story so i could tell you this one

  1. SHAZAM!!

    I love everything of yours that I have read so far.
    always laughing out loud

    Your formatting and caps use is genius.

    I studied Folklore and Mythology as an undergrad, so all of this is especially marvelous.

    Well done.

    I have to say, though, I was disappointed that you didn't do the bit of this story where Thor actually picks up Thialfi as a servant.
    I think you'd have a lot of fun with that, what with killing the goats and resurrecting them, and taking children as slaves so that he would kill them.
    Prose Edda p 57


  2. Even when it's not you telling them (which is always a sweetener) Norse myths feel like a really demented Saturday morning cartoon show about a wacky superhero team.

  3. Pingback: Loki is Sort of Okay, I GUESS | Myths RETOLD

  4. Man, I was thinking “I should totally figure out how to suggest this myth at some point”, but all this time it was just sitting here, three years in the past.

    I bet a wizard did it.

  5. “which is that if you fail at something
    you probably actually succeeded
    but then a giant evil wizard
    made everyone think you failed”

    I fucking knew it!

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