So in Russia they have this dude named Ilya
he is a hero to the Russian people
which makes Russia the only country
as far as I know
to basically worship a dude
who spent the first 30 years of his life sitting on top of an oven in his mom’s house.
for the first three decades of his existence
one of Russia’s greatest heroes is basically the prototypical Hikikomori
because he is too week to be anywhere but on top of the oven.
Then one day his parents leave him home alone
probably hoping he will die and save them the food money
when jesus shows up with some of his dudes
(in disguise of course)
and jesus is like “Hey bro
me and my bros wanna get our bro on with some brews
can you bro us out?”
and Ilya is like “Aw man I would love to give you my dad’s booze
but I can’t leave this oven for some reason”
but jesus REALLY wants to get his drink on
so he magically heals Ilya’s illness so Ilya can get them all drunk
and after jesus and his dudes are done sippin’
jesus is like “Hey broseph
have a sip of this drank
it has my germs on it but w/e”
and Ilya drinks it and immediately becomes SUPER STRONG
so he’s like “WHOA
I feel like I could pick up the whole earth!”
and Jesus is like “aw fuck
here, gimme that drink back”
and then he drinks it again, and has Ilya drink it again
and Ilya is like “wtf
I still feel strong
but like less strong
and Jesus is like “HAHA BRO YOU JUST GOT NERFED
seriously though if you’re too strong the earth won’t let you walk on her
I did you a solid just now
anyway we gotta jet
we’re doing a pub crawl through random dudes’ houses
have fun being a hero
you’re basically invincible
as long as you steer clear of this massive hero named Svyatogor
plus one or two other guys.
Ilya is super pumped, obviously
so the first thing he does is chop an unreasonable amount of firewood for his dad
to make up for thirty years of freeloading
then he buys and refurbishes a horse
and then he goes on an ADVENTURE.
The first thing he encounters on his adventure
is a gigantic fucking bed
because of course he does
it wouldn’t be an adventure without a preposterous sleeping apparatus
so without asking any questions
Ilya curls up and goes to sleep.
Holy shit, ancient heroes would just be the EASIEST PEOPLE TO TRAP.
Ilya has seriously wandered into the sleepy dude’s version
of a carrot under a cardboard box held up by a stick with a string attached
and SURE ENOUGH
a couple hours later, Ilya’s horse starts freaking out
because guess whose bed this is?
MASSIVE HERO SVYATOGOR, OBVIOUSLY
but Ilya keeps right on snoozing
until the horse is like “SERIOUSLY DUDE WAKE UP
IT’S ONE OF EXACTLY THREE PEOPLE WHO COULD MAYBE KILL YOU
AND YOU ARE IN HIS BED”
and Ilya is like “HOLY SHIT MY HORSE CAN TALK
THAT’S SO GROSS
OKAY LET’S GO HIDE”
So they hide
and Svyatogor shows up
and opens a crystal box which contains
so she pops out and makes him dinner
using all the food he keeps in the box with her
and he eats the food
after completing his supernaturally sexist evening ritual
he goes to sleep
and his wife goes wandering around
enjoying the few hours of the day she gets to spend outside her crystal prison.
Obviously she finds Ilya and his horse
and she’s like “Hey dude
climb out of that tree
or I’ll go tell my husband you fiddled my nips.”
and Ilya is like “Wow that’s an awkward phrase
‘fiddled my nips’
I’m imagining just flicking your nipples with my thumbs
like an erotic XBox controller”
and the wife is like “DON’T YOU DARE, YOU GROSS ANIMAL”
and then she leads him out of the tree and puts him in her husband’s pocket.
So Svyotagor wakes up in the morning and is an idiot
as in, he has no idea there is a whole other dude in his pocket
so he puts his wife back in her box and gets on his horse
and the horse is like “Come on man
you’re twice as heavy today
because there’s a whole other dude in your pocket
and when Svyotagor gets done freaking out about how his horse can talk
he pulls Ilya out of his pocket like “WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY POCKET”
and Ilya is like “That’s a great question!
Your wife put me in here.”
so Svyotagor kills his wife
thus ending her wretched imprisonment
and also preventing us from ever knowing
why the fuck she put a dude in her husband’s pocket.
But he doesn’t kill Ilya
instead he teaches him all about being a hero
like how to lift heavy shit
and keep your wife in a box with all your camping equipment
and murder her at the drop of a hat.
He even takes Ilya to meet his dad
who is blind
and has Ilya heat up a big piece of iron
and give it to the dad instead of his hand
so that his dad will be like “OH YEAH WOW WHAT A STRONG HAND.”
there’s no reason for them to do this
dude just likes lying to his blind dad.
So they leave Svyotogor’s dad’s house
and start walking through the mountains
because Svyotogor is so strong he’s not allowed on normal ground
and they find this coffin in the middle of the road
which says “Hey, whoever fits in this coffin has to stay in it forever”
so Ilya gets in the coffin
because mythical people just LOVE weird coffin parties
but luckily he doesn’t fit
otherwise his saga would be very boring
so then Svyotogor is like “OOH OOH LET ME TRY”
so he gets in the coffin and it fits him exactly
so he’s like “WELP, GUESS I GOTTA SHUT THIS COFFIN ON MYSELF”
and Ilya is like “No dude no you don’t”
and Svyotogor is like “IT’S A HERO THING
YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND”
so he shuts himself inside
and then he’s like “AAA, AAA FUCK
THE COFFIN WON’T OPEN”
and Ilya is like “Dude what did you think was going to happen”
and Svyotogor is like “DUDE FUCK YOU JUST OPEN IT”
and Ilya is like “I can’t, bro
you’re stronger than me and you can’t
so I can’t either.”
and Svyotogor is like “OK HIT IT WITH MY SWORD”
and Ilya does, but that only makes a little crack in the coffin
so Svyotogor is like “OK DUDE COME PUT YOUR FACE BY THE CRACK
I WILL BREATHE MY STRENGTH INTO YOU”
and Ilya is like “You mean the strength that makes it so you aren’t allowed to walk on the regular earth?
No thanks dude, I think I’m ok.”
and Svyotogor is like “NICE
I WAS ACTUALLY JUST GOING TO BREATHE DEATH ON YOU AND KILL YOU
BUT NOW I’M JUST GONNA DIE INSTEAD”
and Ilya is like “We’ve been through a lot together
and I just want you to know that you’ve been a terrible friend.”
Then Svyotogor dies and the world is slightly better because of it.
The moral of the story
is never let a dude in a coffin breathe in your mouth.
Ohhh, this is the guy from that movie that was on MST3K, Sword and the Dragon!
I can’t believe you actually did this, man. Thank you so much.
P. S. there’s more where that came from.
>buys and refurbishes a horse
… How do you refurbish a horse? I thought that said house the first time around and I was all “yeah, that makes sense, good on him for moving out and whatnot” and then I realised my mistake and I have no idea at all how you’d refurbish a horse. Unless you’re like… dyeing its coat or something? Gold teeth? Glitter in the tail? A strap-on unicorn horn?
Your guesses are all more entertaining than the original. He buys a horse and then just feeds it and takes really good care of it until is spontaneously upgrades into a talking megahorse.
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