So last Friday Jesus died
oh wait I read that wrong
it was like 2000 years ago last Friday
still, it was a big deal
but then an even bigger-deal thing happened on Sunday
when Jesus abruptly stopped being dead.
It was such a big deal that people still have parties about it
let me tell you the story:

Okay so after they kill jesus
the roman soldiers take his body and put it in a cave
and then they put a big rock in front of the cave.
supposedly they do this in order to keep people out
because probably somebody is going to want to steal the body
but all true believers recognize the rock thing for what it is:
the setup for THE ULTIMATE MAGIC TRICK
seriously, how many times have you seen this shit in Vegas
the magician gets in a box or whatever
and then they open the box and …
shit, I don’t wanna drop any spoilers, hold on.

So Mary Magdalene and “some other Mary” show up to jesus’s tomb
(the other Mary being his mom)
to rub herbs on his dead body or some shit
and when they get there
ABRACADABRA
The stone has moved to the side
the guards are FREAKING THE HELL OUT
and Jesus
HAS VANISHED

Some angels are there to act as hype-men for this amazing trick
they’re like “JESUS IS ALIVE
YOU THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD BUT BOY WERE YOU WRONG
PRETTY COOL HUH?”
and Mary Magdalene is like “Bullshit”
and jesus is like “Oh really Mary?
If that’s all bullshit, then how am I RIGHT BEHIND YOU?”
and Mary is like “OH MY GODDDDDDD”
and jesus is like “Hey
no swearing.”

So then the ladies head back home because there’s no body to rub herbs on
and Jesus shows up right in the middle of the road like “TADA”
and all the Maries are like “WHOAAAAAAAAA”
and Jesus is like “Yeah, pretty cool huh?
Hey, I’m gonna head over to Galilee and chill for a while
tell all my disciples to meet me over there.”
And then POOF
HE’S GONE.
EVERYONE IS STILL IMPRESSED.
Jesus is on some Chris Angel shit in this story, like for real
actually Chris Angel’s name is suspiciously biblical
slap a T on the end of that Chris and what do you get?
CONSPIRACY?
NOPE JUST A WEIRD STAGE NAME.

So on the way to Galilee Jesus sees some of his old bros
and they’re talking about his crucifixion
because they don’t have the internet so that is like their ONLY NEWS
and Jesus disguises himself and goes to ask them what’s up
and they’re like “Yeah Jesus died”
and Jesus is like “OR DID HE????
IT’S ME
CHECK IT OUT
I CAME BACK AFTER THREE DAYS LIKE THE PROPHECIES SAID
WATCH ME EAT BREAD TO PROVE I’M NOT A GHOST.”
Then he does basically the same thing to some of his other dudes
except they’re all fishing
(because they’re sad about him dying but they still have jobs and shit)
and he makes like WAY TOO MANY FISH appear in their nets
and then makes even more fish appear for them all to eat
and he lets them touch his body.
It seems like eating things and letting people touch his body
are like the two main things Jesus does to sell his awesome trick
it’s like when a magician shows you there’s nothing up his sleeve
or passes a hoop around himself to show there’s no wires
or pokes tiny holes in a condom so he can be your dad
maybe that’s just my personal experience with magicians
maybe I have a personal vendetta against magicians
I’m not ruling anything out

Anyway eventually jesus gets around to showing up in front of his 12 11 apostles
like “what up guys
I’m alive
wanna … eat some fish and bread with me?
You can touch me if you want.
Whatever, I’ve been doing this for a while, it’s kinda lost its luster”
and everyone is like “WHOOOAAAA COOOOOL”
except for this one dude, Thomas
who missed the invite and wasn’t there
so when all his bros tell him about Jesus being there
he thinks they’re pranking him
and Thomas HATES to get pranked
so he’s like “I won’t believe it unless Jesus shows up here right now
and lets me waggle my fingers around in all his wounds
to prove that he’s not just one of you assholes dressed up like jesus
and also I’m a little weird and I like to touch wounds okay?”
and Jesus shows up like “bam, I’m here
you wanna touch me, fine
touch all over my wounds
you wanna eat some bread with me?
I’m pretty full but I’ll do it I guess.”
and Thomas is like “HOLY SHIT YOU’RE REAL”
and Jesus is like “Okay first of all
no swearing
second of all yeah
I’m real
good job putting that together.
It would have been way cooler if you’d just believed, though
like everyone else is gonna have to from now on.
Anyway, I’m out
Jesus was here
tell your friends.”
and then he goes up to heaven to chill until the end times
or, according to later traditions
morphs into a rabbit and a bunch of colored eggs.
Believe whichever version you want
but only one gets you a basket full of candy.

The moral of the story
is that some people will go through a lot of trouble
just to freak out their friends
/usher in a philosophy of peace and forgiveness.

Whatever, happy easter.