HIDE YOUR WIVES AND DAUGHTERS
SET FIRE TO YOUR VALUABLES
LOKI IS COMING AND HE IS SWINGIN’ DICK
SERIOUSLY SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET REAL
THIS IS A MYTH THAT IS LESS A MYTH AND MORE A RAP BATTLE BETWEEN LOKI AND EVERYONE
so this myth picks up right after that other one
where thor ruin’s some guy’s whole house and livelihood
in order to get a pot big enough to brew nordic megabooze in
they are putting that pot to good use
cause everyone is at this bangin party at Aegir’s place
just getting trashed and yelling about violence
which is not much different from what they are doing AT ALL TIMES
except that EVERYONE is there
i don’t even know who half these assholes are
but one asshole I DEFINITELY recognize
is LOKI
this dude is sitting in the middle of the rad festivities
with a stick up his butt that it SOOOO LONG
that it shoots out of his mouth and kills one of the serving dudes
and everyone is like LOKI WHAT THE FUCK
WHAT THE FUCK LOKI
MAJOR PARTY FOUL
GET THE FUCK OUT
so loki leaves
he leaves for about TEN MINUTES
at which point he turns around and walks back to Aegir’s place
and he goes to the doorman and he’s all hey man
coming to this party
and the doorman is like fuck you
and loki is like no no no
fuck YOU
and the doorman is like RIGHT THIS WAY SIR
and loki comes back in and he’s standing in the doorway
and everyone is like WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE
WE TOLD YOU TO LEAVE LIKE THREE MINUTES AGO
and Loki is like chill out guys
you know
there was a time
when Odin and I were best bros
what happened Odin
was it because I ruined everything over and over again?
why can’t we be pals again?
and odin is like fuck it whatever
come sit down at the table
and FUCKING BEHAVE
unfortunately BEHAVE is not a word Loki can hear
so he goes about trying to shit in everyone’s mouths
with his words
basically with the same end goal as Eris in that one greek myth
except WAYYYYY BITCHIER
so Loki’s like OH MAN ALL YOU GODS ARE SO HELLA TIGHT
CHEERS TO EVERYBODY
EVERYBODY EXCEPT FOR THAT ASSHOLE OVER THERE
WHAT’S YOUR NAME ASSHOLE?
BRAGI?
SOUNDS LIKE AN ASSHOLE NAME TO ME
and Bragi is like man what the fuck
we kicked you out of the party
we let you come back
and this is the shit you pull?
come on man
and loki is like I’M NOT FINISHED
YOU ARE ALSO A HUGE PUSSY
and Bragi is like how about I pussy your face into pulp
and Loki is like THAT’S PRETTY BIG TALK
FOR A PUSSYYYYYYYYYYY
so then this chick Ithun chimes in
like Loki seriously dude
this isn’t even clever
you’re just fucking yelling at dudes
and Loki is like
SLUT
and this chick Gefjun is like seriously everybody calm down
and Loki is like YOU FUCK LITTLE BOYS
and then Odin is like AMATEUR HOUR IS OVER PUSSPANTHERS
TIME FOR THE ALLFATHER TO RIP THIS MOTHERFUCKER UP
THIALFI
GIVE ME A BEAT
and Thialfi is all like BOOM PSH BOOM BOOM PSH wikiwiki
and Odin’s like YO
I KNOW THERE’S A LOT OF BAD BLOOD BETWEEN US
BUT I’M NOT EVEN SURE THAT YOU HAVE A PENIS
CAUSE I HEARD ABOUT HOW YOU FUCKED A HORSE
AND WHEN THE BABIES CAME OUT, YOUR HORSE-VAG WAS THE SOURCE
and all the gods are like OHHHHHH SNAPPPPPP
and loki’s like UH UH CHECK IT OUT
I’LL FUCK YOUR OTHER EYE OUT AND I’LL MAKE YOU MY BITCH
YO I HEARD YOU ONCE DESCENDED TO EARTH AS A WITCH
THAT WOULD SEEM TO PROVE THAT YOU LACK A DONG
EVEN THOUGH I’M TOTALLY LYING ABOUT ALL THIS SHIT
and then frigga is like this is pretty stupid
and Loki’s like YOU’RE A SLUT
and frigga is like bro if Baldur were here right now
and not dead
he’d totally whup you
and Loki’s like HAHA JOKE’S ON YOU
I’M THE DUDE WHO KILLED BALDUR
yeah that’s right
i’m so intent on ruining your party
I WILL WILLINGLY CONFESS TO MURDER
and Freyja is like dude are you seriously confessing to murder right now?
and Loki’s like LET’S PLAY FILL IN THE BLANK:
YOU’RE A SLUT
OH MAN I FORGOT TO PUT IN ANY BLANKS SORRY
and this whole time this god Njorth who now one has heard of
has been warming up his sick burns on the megahearth
and now he brings them to bear
all like LOKI
YOU ARE CALLING ALL THESE WOMEN SLUTS
BUT LIKE
YOU FUCKED A HORSE
SO
KIND OF A DOUBLE STANDARD THERE BUDDY
and Loki’s like OH YEAH?
WELL I HEARD A BUNCH OF CHICKS PISSED IN YOUR MOUTH
and Njorth is like seriously where are you even getting this shit
and Loki is like PS YOUR SON FREYR IS A PIECE OF SHIT
and then Tyr steps up to the mic
and he’s like yo:
Freyr is actually a pretty cool dude
and Loki is like WHAT’S THAT HANDY MCHANDS?
I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER ALL THE HANDS YOU’RE MISSING
and Tyr is like ok yeah i lost a hand
but I lost it while imprisoning the SHIT out of your horrible wolfbaby
so you can fellate my fist
and Loki’s like uh
well
YOUR WIFE’S A SLUT
at which point Freyr steps in and he’s like dude
you are walking on thin ice
we’re like this close to chaining you up like your wolfkid
and Loki’s like WHATEVER DUDE
AT LEAST I’M NOT GOING TO LOSE MY SWORD RIGHT BEFORE RAGNAROK
SERIOUSLY YOU HAVE THE LAMEST PART OF THAT PROPHECY AMIRITE
and then some dude Byggvir is like I WANNA PUNCH YOO
and Loki’s like who the fuck are you
seriously
and NO ONE KNOWS
so then Heimdall is like dude Loki
maybe you need to quit drinking
you are being kind of belligerent man
and Loki is like YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER
and then Sif
who is thor’s wife
is like lemme just pour you some more booze there loki
we’re cool right?
and Loki’s like
I WILL GIVE EVERYONE THREE GUESSES WHAT YOU ARE
BZZZT TIME’S UP YOU’RE A SLUT
and thor is like aw hell no
oy
loki
shut your mouth before I hit you with my hammer
and Loki’s like PUSSY
and thor’s like HAMMER
and Loki’s like PANSY
and Thor’s like HAMMER
and Loki’s like YOU GOT PRANKED BY A GIANT
and Thor’s like HAMMER HAMMER HAMMER
and Loki’s like you’re not even listening to me are you
and Thor’s like hammer?
and then Loki is like alright shitlicks
it’s been real
but i gotta go make fun of some horses
or maybe fuck some horses
haven’t decided yet
but anyway peace
and the gods are like UH NOPE
YOU MAY RECALL HAVING CONFESSED TO MURDER A FEW MINUTES AGO
and Loki is like aww fuck
and then they tie him to a rock with his son’s intestines
and drip poison on him forever
and he has siezures and those are earthquakes i guess
so the moral of the story
if when crashing a party
be sure not to admit to any felonies
THE END
The Odin/Loki rhyming rap battle is amazing.
Absolutely, that needs to be a video. I can totally believe the Norse gods would battle in rap before breaking out in carnage.
Great
Me likey.
Amazing. Thank you. This is one of my favorite stories.
YES YES YES YES YOU'RE THE BEST YES YES
I love this image of the Norse deities as engaged in continuous rap battles. I would attempt to make some raps myself but I would shame myself so hard I would get kicked off the internet.
I LOVE HOW U DESCRIBE THIS !!!
i’v been kinda forced to learn about all these things in school so it’s great to hear/read things in a different light! BUT IT SOO HARD TO UNDERSTAND THE NAMES!!
I’m swedish and the way the names change makes me confused like “shit” sometimes i don’t even understand who ur talking about :/
I had to research about the way the names r pronounced/written in English to understand -.-
This. Made my day. Possibly my week. Possibly my life. And I was in a really crappy mood. So. THANK YOU! KEEP WRITING! :)))
This will *never* not be funny.
The Lokasenna is actual brilliance. If myths are supposed to have morals or messages, this one is just that you can never out-troll Loki. Ever.
My god.
this is one of my favorite myths, and this may be the funniest thing I have ever read.
For weeks I have been thinking, “someone really needs to do a reinterpretation of the Lokasenna in modern-day slang,” but you ALREADY MADE IT HAPPEN. And it is so good. The world is so much brighter that it has this website.
i feel epicly bad for Loki cuz, by the way you’re describing him, he just has zero social skills aaaaand in my experience, that can get you into hella lotta trouble.
So… no one has ever heard of this dude namend Njorth? Maybe you should tell the story of how he came to marry his wife. (Moral of the story: If you wanna get laid, wash your feet!)
I had to read the original for a class on Norse mythology two years ago and I just wish I had known about this website then because I understand it so much better now.
My version isn’t as good as yours, but you may like it anyway.
LOKI ON THAT FEASTING DAY
by Kate Gladstone
tune: HARPER VALLEY P. T. A. by Jeannie C. Riley
inspiration: LOKASENNA (Snorri Sturluson) followed practically word-for-word
Let me tell you of a story that happened up North, they say,
When the Norse Gods got together just to have themselves a feasting day,
Well, Loki killed a waiter, so they kicked him out right away,
But he sneaked back in, and here’s what Loki had to say:
“I’ve come a long way, so some ale would go down real well,
But you’re too high and mighty to pour for a guest, I can tell,
You don’t say a word, you don’t even get me a seat,
Anybody would think I was less than the dirt on your feet.
Hey, Odin, once you promised that you’d never, ever pour a brew
If they didn’t pour one more for your old buddy, Loki, too —
Don’t tell me you forgot how we swore you and I would be friends
Forever, or anyway till this universe ends.”
So Odin gave the word to find Loki a place and a drink,
And Loki said, “You’re all terrific people — I think,
Except of course for Bragi over in the corner there,
Known to all as a benchwarmer truly extraordinaire.
And there’s Idun right beside him, who can’t keep her hands off a guy,
Not even if he killed her brother — you know that’s no lie —
And there’s Gefjon in her jewelry; well, I hope that it brings her lots of joy
When she remembers she got it playing footsie with a cute little boy.
Hey, there, Odin, if you’re listening, let me tell you right out to your face
You’ve really messed up in your dealings with the human race:
You let bad fighters win, walk the Earth all dressed up like a witch,
For a king of the Gods, I must say you come across as a bitch.”
Odin said to Loki, “So you want to go slander my worth:
Pretty strange from our only, uh, ‘male’ God who ever gave birth!”
Frigga said: “That’s all past: in the past you should have let it stay.”
Said Loki: “With a past like yours, you’d be talking that way!
You’re sitting there by Odin, but you’re married to Fjorgyn, they say,
When you aren’t getting cuddly with Vithrir and Vili and Ve.
Don’t think Balder your son will defend your honor today,
’Cause his dad was your brother, and I took out Balder anyway!”
Then Freyja interrupted: “Loki, you’ve got to be insane,
Trying to get our attention by reminding us why you’re such a pain!”
Then Loki turned to Freyja and looked her right square in the eyes:
“Look who talks about behavior when her own couldn’t win her any prize!
Every god and elf owns a copy of your bedroom key,
With your brother you went wild and, boy, did your farts fly free:
Which reminds me of your daddy, who must have strange tastes in cuisine
’Cause he let the daughters of Hymir make his mouth a latrine.
Hey, there’s Tyr, god of war, who thinks he is so mighty and grand.
If he wasn’t such a cheater, you know he’d have never lost his hand.
Go home to your wife, Tyr — I know she can really make time,
’Cause I fathered her son, and you never got paid a lousy dime.
Now there’s Frey getting angry ’cause he doesn’t like the message I send.
He wants me chained next to Fenris till Ragnarøk’s end.
Speaking of which: when the Giants fight the Gods, old pal,
You’ll sure miss the sword you sold to get a Giant gal.
Look at Byggvir: what a wussy, begging Frey to please do me in.
When the Gods go out to do battle, Byggvir hides within —
Listen, Heimdall is complaining that I’m nothing but a drunken slob
’Cause he takes it out on me that he is stuck in such a boring job.
Now Skadi says to watch it, or the Gods are gonna put me on ice
But she told a different story when she asked me into bed real nice.
And, Sif, I see you smirking, ’cause about you I’ve nothing to say —
Except about our fun together when Thor was away!
Hey, what do you know, gang: here comes Thor just in time —
Beyla’s cheering him on, ’cause Beyla’s a filthy little slime.
Thor, you want to knock my block off, but why should I be frightened of
One who’ll run from the wolf, and who hid in the thumb of a glove?”
“Well, Gods, I’ve told you all that I came here to tell today,
Except for one word of warning: this hall is gonna burn away. ”
Then he hid from the Gods, but they fished out Loki anyway,
And sentenced him to torture, ’cause they all agreed that Loki had to pay.
So now you know what happened, and it happened pretty much that way,
When Loki crashed the hall and trashed the Gods on their feasting day!
It’s been a long time since you posted this, and I’m astounded that no one has let you know how awesome it is. It absolutely belongs on this site, it’s fantastic.
Has anybody SENT this to Tom Hiddleston?
You forgot about that sick burn where Loki said Freyja fucked her brother.