some sexy human named Maxguns Sexhorse left a comment the other day
reminding me that why the fuck haven’t I done this story yet
so I’m going to
and it’s a play
so I’m gonna try that thing again
where I just rewrite the whole play.
this is kind of an experiment though
because I’m not really sure
if my particular brand of raunchy chatroom inspired cliff notes
can possibly outdo the parade of thinly-veiled boners that populate Aristophanes’ original
ANYWAY HERE GOES NOTHING:
OR: HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE DONG
Adapted for Internet by Fake Ovid Naso
SCENE ONE: A room full of hot chicks
actually the room is not full of hot chicks yet
right now it’s just LYSISTRATA and she’s kinda pissed
then her slutty friend CLEONICE shows up
LYSISTRATA: Man, why is nobody here yet?
CLEONICE: Who did you invite?
LYSISTRATA: All of the women. One hundred percent of the women in the world.
CLEONICE: Oh, well maybe that’s why.
LYSISTRATA: Fuck you.
CLEONICE: Oh is that what we’re doing? Cause if so you should have put that in the invitation, and then everyone would totally be here with their tits out by now.
LYSISTRATA: Is this what you’re gonna do? Are you just gonna hang out and turn everything I say into innuendo?
CLEONICE: I’LL IN YOUR END-O
LYSISTRATA: Shut up, here comes hot chicks.
Enter HOT CHICKS FROM EVERY DAMN PLACE. CLEONICE measures their boobs with calipers.
HOT CHICKS: Okay what’s up
LYSISTRATA: Guys, I came up with a plan to stop all wars forever
HOT CHICKS: That sounds rad. Finally we can get our husbands home for some quality boner-bending. What’s the plan?
LYSISTRATA: Uh, yeah … see, think of this in terms of economics. In order to stop the wars, we have to get through to all the dudes, because they’re the ones who keep fighting wars. But in order to do that, we have to make them an offer they can’t refuse. So what do we, as women, have a monopoly on?
HOT CHICKS: OOH OOH! COMMON SENSE! EMPATHY! PERIODS!
LYSISTRATA: Okay, but try to limit it to things that men want.
LYSISTRATA: Yes, Cleonice. This is why I invited you. Okay now bear with me here, guys. In order to get the dudes to stop fighting all these wars, we are going to have to levy an embargo … ON VAGINAS.
HOT CHICKS: AW HELL NO.
CLEONICE: What’s the point of peace if you can’t get a piece huh?
LYSISTRATA: Guys, guys, don’t pussy out on me now! We only have to keep our legs shut until everyone agrees to stop having wars!
HOT CHICKS: Don’t you think that maybe a sex embargo will only make everyone more irritable, resulting in even MORE wars over smaller things?
LYSISTRATA: NO TIME FOR THINKING. Instead, I propose that we all get ceremonially drunk on this wine I brought, and then we’ll go occupy the federal reserve and camp out there with a bunch of other drunk horny hot chicks!
HOT CHICKS: Wow when did this plan get good all of a sudden?
MAGISTRATE: Dudes, how come all the hot chicks are all up in our gold and not in our pants?
DUDES: I DUNNO, BUT LET’S SET THEM ON FIRE.
HOT CHICKS: NO.
DUDES: Fuck, okay. How bout a handjob, though?
HOT CHICKS: ALSO NO.
DUDES: Well shit.
MEANWHILE, INSIDE THE FEDERAL RESERVE
HOT CHICKS: Dude, Lysistrata, can we just go home and totally not sleep with our husbands real quick? We’re all sick or bored or pregnant or something.
LYSISTRATA: NO. You are going to STAY HERE until WAR IS OVER FOREVER.
HOT CHICKS: Dag.
BUT BACK OUTSIDE:
DUDES: Holy shit, how are we going to deal with all these boners?
Seriously, these dudes have like 8-foot boners.
MAGISTRATE: Just hold on guys. If we let our boners get just a little more distended we might be able to suck our own dicks.
DUDES: Come to think of it, why haven’t we already resorted to sucking each other’s dicks? Or, you know, just masturbating or something?
MAGISTRATE: THERE IS NO TIME FOR THINKING WHEN YOU HAVE AN ERECTION, MY FRIENDS. No, the only solution is to immediately vote for peace.
Enter PEACE, lowered onto the stage on a rope. Like at least fifty percent of the things in this play, PEACE is a hot chick.
DUDES: Quick! Everyone sign the peace treaty so we can all gangbang Peace!
They do, and they do.
HOT CHICKS: Looks like that’s the end of war forever and ever! Thanks Lysistrata!
LYSISTRATA: Don’t mention it.
EVERYONE: The moral of the story is that as soon as someone invents gay sex we can have wars forever!
“all ya’ll warmongers is gays” -ovid
Ah, so apparently I am Maxguns Sexhorse. Good to know for future introductions and job interviews! Thanks so much for doing this one for me, it’s always been one of my favorites, and as ever, you do it the justice it deserves.
Well, that was succinct. Glad to know that the whole thing can be summed up so quickly, and hilariously.
Anyway, has anyone ever asked you to write up anything about Diarmuid of the love spot? He’s a bit like Cuchulainn in that he’s a totally badass celtic/irish warrior, but actually sort of tragic alongside the crazy shit. I’d be interested to see your take on his tale.
Poor Aristophanes. He forgot women like killing too.