Alright so we all know Zeus fucks a lot of chicks

but did you know that Zeus also fucks a lot of DUDES?!
Yes indeed
for example
there was this one dude named Ganymede
now Ganymede
he is not just any dude
he is the studliest man in the entire world basically
greek myth has a lot of these kinds of guys
like Adonis
and Narcissus
and i hear Achilles was pretty hot
to the point where
i think it just becomes a matter of personal preference
or maybe they were setting it up
for some kind of highlander thing
where there could be only one
but like with more man-on-man boning maybe?
and like it never got written?
or maybe it got written and then it got lost
or like burned
anyway
for the purposes of this myth lets say
that Ganymede is the studliest stud ever to stud the stud
if you know what i mean
and i am sure that you do
so zeus is going down his checklist of sentient beings to bang
and is like hmm this is odd
Ganymede sounds like a guy’s name
HOLY SHIT IT’S A GUY
LOOK AT HIM LOOK AT HIS PECS
I AM BOUT TO HIT THAT
LIKE A GODDAMN FREIGHT TRAIN
but wait
my wife can’t know about this
even though she already knows about like
the 9 billion other creatures i have put my dick in
i gotta be stealthy
so what does he do
he makes a bigass lighting storm over troy
where ganymede lives
and then he turns into an eagle
and goes screeching in
and kidnaps this kid
SUPER NINJA
not like hera is gonna be like oh wow
look at all that lightning
couldn’t possibly have anything to do with my husband
THE GOD OF MOTHERFUCKING LIGHTING
so zeus takes the kid up to mt olympus
and fucks him a bunch
and then is like shit i wanna keep this kid
but i don’t want my wife to know what’s going on
i know
I’ll give him a job so it looks like i just HIRED him
instead of kidnapping him
and then putting my dick in his butt
and also his mouth
and maybe he did some of that stuff to me as well
the myth is not clear on these points
definitely they at least slipped each other the tongue
no foolin
so the job zeus comes up with for the kid
is official CUP-BEARER for the gods of olympus
which just means that he serves the booze
Ganymede is really good at this job
cause all the gods think he is super hot
and also he invents MEAD
and he is still banging zeus
and every time he serves zeus his drinks
he kisses the edge of the cup
right in front of Hera and everything
like seriously
zeus is not very good at hiding his affairs
and so obviously hera gets pretty pissed
and is like GRR GONNA MURDER
and zeus is like nope can’t do that
i already made him immortal
suck on that
and hera says make me
and zeus says how about i just make Ganymede suck on that instead
and hera gets REALLY pissed off then
and is like well if i can’t kill Ganymede
i guess I’ll just have to settle for killing EVERYONE HE HAS EVER LOVED
and she gets everyone really pissed off at Troy
(not just for that reason though. it’s also because of that beauty contest and junk)
and everyone attacks troy
and burns it to the ground
and meanwhile zeus is busy turning Ganymede into a constellation
specifically aquarias
so the moral is
if you are pretty
you will get kidnapped by an eagle
and the eagle will sleep with you and you will become immortal

God Bless America