Irrationally exuberant gratitude
to world facepunch champion Ulric Hammers
for giving me monetary motivation to tell this myth about fire and idiots
also i will totally update the smorgasbord page on Sunday i am sorry i am so lazy
also i just woke up from a 3 day bender somewhere on the west coast
and found out people have given me INTERNET BILLIONS
to do a video retelling of PARADISE MOTHERFUCKING LOST
so that’s happening as soon as my hangover clears up
BUT FOR NOW HERE IS THE FIRE/IDIOTS FIASCO:

okay so there’s these birds right
one of them is called the Dziu
but actually it is just a cuckoo with a fancy name
and also SUPER fancy feathers
like this dude is the flava flav of having stupid amounts of radical plumage
and he is also a super helpful motherfucker
always first in line for all the retardedly dangerous missions
so one day Yuum Chaac
who is the god of water and agriculture and unnecessary vowels
is like holy shit
all of the crops are failing pretty much AS HARD AS POSSIBLE
we seriously can’t plant any more fucking crops this is ridiculous
how do we solve this
oh I know lemme pawn off my job on some BIRDS
HEY BIRDS

so the birds all show up like tweet tweet sup
and Yuum Chaac is like hey bros so here is what is going to happen
i am gonna get my buddy Kak to set EVERYTHING ON FIRE
and the birds are like wait
what
and Yuum Chaac is like trust me this is the best way to go about this
and the birds are like ok well what the fuck do we know we’re just some fucking birds
and Yuum Chaac is like damn right
so what i need you to do
is fly around and grab AS MANY SEEDS AS POSSIBLE
so we can plant crops in all the ashes everywhere once we’re done burning shit
and the Dziu
who is an overachieving little twatbird
is like OOH OOH ME FIRST
and shows up WAY FUCKING EARLY
and grabs more seeds than ANYONE ELSE
but then obviously gets tired
and is like hey gods can i get a rest right quick
and the gods are like sure dude no problem
and all the other birds are like wait why the fuck does he get to rest
we are going to rest EXACTLY AS HARD AS THAT DUDE RIGHT NOW
and then nobody is collecting seeds
which would be fine
except Kak went ahead and set everything on fire HOURS AGO
i guess cause he got bored?
and so now fire is coming from all sides and Yuum Chaac is like oh fuck
i guess maybe i should have made plans
but instead of using any water god powers or anything
he is like HEY CUCKOO BIRD FUCKING SAVE ALL THE CORNSEEDS
and that bird is like YESSIR
and just dives straight into the fire
horribly mutilating himself in the process
but getting a ton of seeds
and also probably some really shitty popcorn
and all his pimp-ass feathers are burned right the fuck off
and his eyes are all red
and everyone is like ewww what the fuck
and Yuum Chaac is like SHUT UP ALL OF YOU
FROM NOW ON YOU GUYS ALL HAVE TO RAISE THIS DUDE’S KIDS FOR HIM
and the birds are like whaaat
well shit i guess it’s better than having to dive into fire
but then it turns out that it is actually worse
because according to science
these uglyass birds have a habit of pushing ALL THE OTHER BABY BIRDS OUT THE NEST
so way to go birds
way to sacrifice all your future offspring to this mutilated piece of shit

so i guess the moral of the story
is try to dive into a lot of fires
because then your babies get to push other babies out of trees

THE END