Alright so guys
I know a couple of you have paid me money to tell myths
but all three of you want me to read fucking novels
and/or eight million page epic poems
and I’m up against two writing deadlines
and I had a strange dream about my grandma running away and so i need to call her
so yall are just gonna have to cool your jets/hold your horses
for a couple days
while I get this shit sorted out
and MEANWHILE
JUST PICKIN’ SHIT OUT OF THE METAMORPHOSES
YEAHHHHHHH

okay so there’s this dude Pygmalion right
I dunno why but his name has always reminded me of like
a majestic battleship
covered in pigs
but anyway this dude is SICK TO FUCKING DEATH OF WOMEN
he’s all like man
women are such skanks
and like
sinful and shit
they constantly make terrible decisions and are basically horrible in every way
you know how I know this?
FROM GREEK MYTHS

GUYS
GREEK MYTHS DO NOT PROVIDE THE MOST ACCURATE AND BALANCED DEPICTIONS OF WOMEN
I mean if you recall
there’s one about how a woman falls in love with a cow
and so invents cosplay in order to fuck it
there’s a story about how THE GREATEST WARRIOR MAIDEN IN THE FUCKING WORLD
is distracted and thus defeated by an armful of shiny apples
and then there’s a whole bunch of chicks that turn into birds and bats and trees
which is just not realistic AT ALL

but regardless
Pygmalion decides that the solution is to never bang any chicks ever
just steer the fuck clear
and remain in his room
masturbating furiously for all eternity
but he gets lonely
OBVIOUSLY
so he’s like oh I know
I’m a great sculptor
how about I just SCULPT myself a woman
out of IVORY
she can’t be a bitch if she’s an inanimate object now can she?
so he chisels out this prime specimen of hotness
like flamethrower-full-of-compressed-boobs level hotness
like napalm-and-blowjob-flavored-salsa level hotness
what i am saying is this statue chick is bo-diddly-dacious
and then Pygmalion settles into a seat
for the most furious masturbation OF ALL TIME
guys
i heard they only just invented 3d porn like a couple weeks ago
what?
how can they say that when Pygmalion clearly invented it several thousand years ago

anyway pretty soon Pygmalion realizes that he has totally fallen in love
with this fake chick he made
he spends a lot of time like
molesting her
and also bringing her presents women like
you know
shiny rocks and shit like that
man i wouldn’t give a statue chick tiny rocks as presents
that would be like giving a real chick tiny lumps of baby flesh
but anyway yeah this dude keeps trying to like make out with his statue
but the statue is a fucking statue so i mean obviously that doesn’t work
and he can’t use his penis on her either for the same reason
but nevertheless he decides to set her up in his bed
like on some cushions or whatever
and then it happens to be like the festival of Venus
so Pygmalion is like yo venus
could you uh
shit i don’t know how to say this
uh
could you find me a chick who is EXACTLY LIKE MY STATUE GIRL
ie incredibly hot and knows how to keep her fucking mouth shut
and Venus is like oh I getcha
WINK
and just transforms that statue chick INTO A REAL GIRL
so like pinnochio
but except more like
SEX Pinnochio
because then they immediately have sex
and venus is floating above them watching
like a total creeper
and she is like I HEREBY BLESS THE FUCK OUT OF THIS RIGHTEOUS BONING
and then they have a daughter somehow
in the statue chick’s creepy artificial womb
and the kid’s name is Paphos
she is a chick
and later she gets an island named after her so that’s cool

so the moral of the story
is fuck being sensitive and empathetic and whatever
buy a realdoll
pray to venus
BAM
instant wife

the end.