Hey guys
this just in
google is a piece of shit
an unrepentant piece of shit
so i’m sure you’ve heard about google and verizon’s plan to skullfuck net neutrality
and you’ve already heard me talk about how google adsense
is the shittiest way to make money
ON THE WHOLE INTERNET
but it turns out
it is also the shittiest way to advertise
IN THE ENTIRE GODDAMN UNIVERSE

for example
last week
i did a google search for a weatherproof bag
with straps to let me attach it to the roof of my car
since then
EVERY SINGLE TIME I VISIT THIS WEBSITE
I HAVE SEEN THE SAME FUCKING AD
FOR HARD-BODIED CAR ROOF STORAGE CONTAINERS
HEY GOOGLE
GUESS WHAT
NOT ONLY IS THAT SUPER CREEPY
BUT I BOUGHT WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR WHEN I FUCKING SEARCHED FOR IT
A WEEK AGO
I DO NOT NEED TO HEAR ABOUT IT NOW
ESPECIALLY SINCE I WAS SEARCHING FOR A SOFT-BODIED BAG
NOT ONE OF THESE ROBOT TURD LOOKING MOTHERFUCKERS
IF YOU ARE GOING TO ANNOY THE FUCK OUT OF ME
AT LEAST ANNOY ME ACCURATELY

so anyway
given that i know firsthand
how utterly worthless their entire system is
this happens:

so today i get home and i get my mail
and i find that I have a letter from google
or rather
ADSENSE PUBLISHER has a letter from google
guys
i gave you my fucking name when i signed up
did you lose it
anyway my first reaction is to go SWEET BEANS
GOOGLE HAD A CHANGE OF HEART AND SENT ME REAL CASH MONEY
INSTEAD OF HOARDING IT IN THEIR FUCKING MONEYPIT
FOREVER AND EVER
WHILE PRETENDING THAT PAYDAY IS JUST AROUND THE CORNER

so i rip open the envelope
and my jaw drops open
because i see the number 100
followed by a dollar sign
but then my jaw abruptly shoots closed
because the number
is attached to a fucking GIFT CARD
which may be used
to purchase GOOGLE ADSENSE ADS
finally i can claim the coveted ad space on the right side of a google search page that no one ever looks at or clicks on
i read the attached form letter
to learn that google is rewarding my loyal patronage
with this unbelievably FREE ADVERTISING CREDIT
so i think well shit
this is pretty worthless
but it’s free
might as well use it
so i go upstairs and i sign onto their internet bullshit machine
and i go through the process of making an account
giving them my address AGAIN
designing an ad
and i get to the part about how much i am willing to pay per click
and i notice
that while it is possible for me to specify a maximum payout PER DAY
i cannot specify a maximum TOTAL payout
and that in order to activate my ads
i need to give google my credit card info
so that they can start charging me real dollars as soon as their fake ones run out
and then i scroll down the page
to the very bottom
and i see the following
extremely upsetting words:
Note that you’ll be charged a $5.00 activation fee with your first payment.

GOOGLE
HEY
I HAVE A QUESTION:
HOW IS IT COST EFFECTIVE FOR ME TO SEND YOU FIVE DOLLARS
WHEN IT IS NOT COST EFFECTIVE FOR YOU TO SEND ME MY FORTY FIVE DOLLARS
and yet still i wondered how google could afford
to give me a hundred dollar gift card to their ad service
how the fuck do they make a profit?
is it possible that NO ONE is making money off of google ads?
that it is some kind of pit of sarlaag
digesting your money for thousands of years
never coughing up dividends?

well the answer is no
the money google gave me was imaginary money
it is money google will put into the accounts of publishers like me
penny by penny
and never actually have to pay to anyone
because of the ludicrous minimum payment standard
and all of the REAL money advertisers are paying?
30 cents per click or whatever?
well it goes into the accounts of publishers too
but google
being the magnanimous caretaker it is
holds onto it for us
until it is a large enough sum
for them to cancel our accounts for click fraud
and keep it forever

so i guess what I’m saying
is don’t promote your website on google ads
it is basically like pissing into your own mouth

but I am going to keep running google ads on my site
until they cancel my account or I get a check
no matter how hopeless it seems
because some day
in some far off future full of flying cars
and deadly laser pistols
and bipedal cows
google will finally be forced
to pay me a hundred dollars

oh by the way I made a video

keep clicking those links, ladies