Hey guys
I know I assured certain of you that I was about to do your favorite myths
and I will
I totally will
but I just found this book in my house
called The ANNOTATED Mother Goose
but here’s the problem guys:
it is not NEARLY annotated enough
so I am here to fix that for you
starting now:

So there’s this chick named Mother Hubbard
yeah i am pretty sure Mother is her first name
because nowhere in this does she have any kids
she just has a dog
and she doesn’t even have enough money to feed that dog
because as our story opens
she is trying to find some kind of dog snacks up in this
but there are NONE TO BE FOUND
that cupboard is so ludicrously bare
that this rhyme was actually banned in victorian times

so this dog is starving right
and making all kind of pitiful noises
so Mother Hubbard goes to the baker to get some stale crusts at least
BUT SHE IS TOO LATE
when she gets home the dog has become the corpse of a dog
because I guess this whole bare cupboard fiasco was more than a one-day thing
you would have thought she might’ve gotten the bread sooner honestly
unless she didn’t like the dog very much
which is outside the realm of possibility
because the next thing she does
is she goes out and buys her dog a CANINE COFFIN
DUDES:
DUDETTES:
I love dogs
I really do
but when MY dog died
I did not buy a coffin for my dog
I set that dog on FIRE
it was more awesome AND more cost effective
and given that Mother Hubbard cannot even afford dog food
you would think that cost effectiveness would be a big issue for her

so she gets home with this coffin
and she opens the door
and what does she see?
Her dog
laughing at her
like HAHAHA PRANKED
and she is just like
what

So she’s legitimately freaked
she’s like maybe my dog’s zombie ghost came back to haunt me
cause i didn’t feed him enough meat
I should get on that
so she runs out and picks up some meat
and when she gets back
her dog is SMOKING A FUCKING PIPE
and she’s like BAD DOG
DO YOU WANT TO DIE TWICE
and the dog is like WOOF WOOF I’M A DOG
GET ME SOME BEER

So she does
and when she comes back
the dog is all up in her armchair
and she is about to shoo him off it when she’s like waaait a second
best not antagonize the zombie ghost
best to get the zombie ghost WASTED

so in the interest of that she goes out and grabs a bunch of wine
on credit, I guess?
but it turns out more booze was not necessary
because by the time she gets home the dog is STANDING ON HIS HEAD

Mother Hubbard is rapidly running out of ideas at this point
so she goes down to the corner and buys some apples and grapes and shit
from the dude who sells fruit out of plastic crates on the corner
and when she gets home
the dog has taken up MUSIC
he is dancing around playing the flute
all like WOOF WOOF I’M A DOG
I AM CONSIDERING PURSUING A CAREER IN THE ARTS

So Mother Hubbard is like alright I can deal with this
I just need to buy my dog some clothes
so that when he goes out to join a band no one will be able to tell he’s a dog
so she buys him a coat and a hat and a wig and some shoes and some linen
and meanwhile the dog tames a goat, feeds the cat, learns to dance and catches up on current events
oh and also he takes up weaving.
And instead of getting just totally freaked by this hyperintelligent animal stealing her life
she goes out and buys the dog a hose for some reason
while he gets dressed in all the sweet finery she decked him out with

Then she comes home
and she curtseys to her canine brainbeast
and the dog bows to her
and she’s like “I am now your slave”
and the dog is like “WOOF WOOF I AM A DOG”
then the debt collectors come and throw the dog in prison
because Mother Hubbard has been borrowing against him all this time to buy all this stuff

So the moral of the story
is that best friends
make the best collateral

THE END.