Old Mother Hubbard and the Slow Descent Into Madness

Hey guys
I know I assured certain of you that I was about to do your favorite myths
and I will
I totally will
but I just found this book in my house
called The ANNOTATED Mother Goose
but here’s the problem guys:
it is not NEARLY annotated enough
so I am here to fix that for you
starting now:

So there’s this chick named Mother Hubbard
yeah i am pretty sure Mother is her first name
because nowhere in this does she have any kids
she just has a dog
and she doesn’t even have enough money to feed that dog
because as our story opens
she is trying to find some kind of dog snacks up in this
but there are NONE TO BE FOUND
that cupboard is so ludicrously bare
that this rhyme was actually banned in victorian times

so this dog is starving right
and making all kind of pitiful noises
so Mother Hubbard goes to the baker to get some stale crusts at least
when she gets home the dog has become the corpse of a dog
because I guess this whole bare cupboard fiasco was more than a one-day thing
you would have thought she might’ve gotten the bread sooner honestly
unless she didn’t like the dog very much
which is outside the realm of possibility
because the next thing she does
is she goes out and buys her dog a CANINE COFFIN
I love dogs
I really do
but when MY dog died
I did not buy a coffin for my dog
I set that dog on FIRE
it was more awesome AND more cost effective
and given that Mother Hubbard cannot even afford dog food
you would think that cost effectiveness would be a big issue for her

so she gets home with this coffin
and she opens the door
and what does she see?
Her dog
laughing at her
and she is just like

So she’s legitimately freaked
she’s like maybe my dog’s zombie ghost came back to haunt me
cause i didn’t feed him enough meat
I should get on that
so she runs out and picks up some meat
and when she gets back
and she’s like BAD DOG
and the dog is like WOOF WOOF I’M A DOG

So she does
and when she comes back
the dog is all up in her armchair
and she is about to shoo him off it when she’s like waaait a second
best not antagonize the zombie ghost
best to get the zombie ghost WASTED

so in the interest of that she goes out and grabs a bunch of wine
on credit, I guess?
but it turns out more booze was not necessary
because by the time she gets home the dog is STANDING ON HIS HEAD

Mother Hubbard is rapidly running out of ideas at this point
so she goes down to the corner and buys some apples and grapes and shit
from the dude who sells fruit out of plastic crates on the corner
and when she gets home
the dog has taken up MUSIC
he is dancing around playing the flute
all like WOOF WOOF I’M A DOG

So Mother Hubbard is like alright I can deal with this
I just need to buy my dog some clothes
so that when he goes out to join a band no one will be able to tell he’s a dog
so she buys him a coat and a hat and a wig and some shoes and some linen
and meanwhile the dog tames a goat, feeds the cat, learns to dance and catches up on current events
oh and also he takes up weaving.
And instead of getting just totally freaked by this hyperintelligent animal stealing her life
she goes out and buys the dog a hose for some reason
while he gets dressed in all the sweet finery she decked him out with

Then she comes home
and she curtseys to her canine brainbeast
and the dog bows to her
and she’s like “I am now your slave”
and the dog is like “WOOF WOOF I AM A DOG”
then the debt collectors come and throw the dog in prison
because Mother Hubbard has been borrowing against him all this time to buy all this stuff

So the moral of the story
is that best friends
make the best collateral


10 thoughts on “Old Mother Hubbard and the Slow Descent Into Madness

  1. Hey dude, I wanted to contact you by e-mail, but your e-mail button wasn’t working. Anyway, I wanted to say I bought a Norse crisis flowchart shirt from you and it never arrived. I live in Denmark, is it coming soon?

    • Hey Joana,

      Could you give me a little more information about your order? Your last name, for example, or the invoice number? I wasn’t able to find your order just by searching your first name, so right now I’m not sure what happened.

      Sorry about that!

      • Hey, I forgot, that the reason you couldn’t find it is because my mother ordered it for me under her own name, [REDACTED]. If that doesn’t help I’ll see if she can find out the invoice number or something else.

        • Hey Joana,
          I just searched for your mom’s name, and got no results. I also searched for any address containing “Denmark”, and your name. Are you sure your mom ordered a shirt from me? Did she get a payment receipt from Paypal? Because it doesn’t look like I have her money.

          • Hey, is it okay if you the comment with me referring to my mother’s name? She cleans her online footprints regularly, so she was asking me how she could get the comment taken out.

  2. My mom recently looked through all her documents, and she didn’t find a receipt from PayPal either. She thinks she likely didn’t finish the purchase process correctly, or missed something. She’ll try ordering a shirt again tonight. Sorry about that! X/

  3. Don’t you think this nursery rhyme’s a bit creepy? Well, one thing’s for sure, it certainly deserves your “Myths RETOLD” treatment.

  4. Let me just say, I was near OBSESSION about how fucked up these nursery rhymes are. Perhaps the most famous one, Ring Around the Rosie, is about some kids dying of either a PLAGUE or a FUCKING FIRE. Let alone the fact there are sung to CHILDREN, and not intentionally meant to be horrifying. I mean WHO DOES SHIT LIKE THIS?!? Mother: We can’t get our baby to stop crying. Mother Goose: Here, just sing him this song about how he’ll FALL FROM A TREE, CRADLE AND ALL, BITCHES!!! Thank you, Mother Goose, for scarring my child and making him mute.

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