Pisistratus is Smarter Than the Government

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So my best friend is a history teacher
and as he recently brought to my attention
it is entirely possible
that the reason that greek mythology is so exquisitely messed up
is that greek HISTORY is also just a big bucket full of live eels and crazyjuice
allow me to present to you yet another example of this:

So when we talk about Greece
what we’re actually talking about is a bunch of adjacent cities
that all happen to speak the same language
but all totally hate each other
sort of like a united states of america where every state is Texas
and inside each of these cities
there are a bunch of dudes
who all happen to speak the same language
but all totally hate each other
Sort of like Texas if every person in Texas was Texas

one of these cities is called Athens
you may remember it as the city largely responsible for beating off the Persians
(haha that could be interpreted sexually)
and Athens is also the city that usually has the most bling
and also the most government
which means that all of these Athenian citizens
(who, remember, fucking hate each other)
are busy trying to use the government as a money vacuum to get them all that money
some of them come up with pretty neat strategies
like this guy Pisistratus

So Pisistratus starts out as a general
in a war against another greek city, Megara
(what did I tell you about hating each other)
and he does a pretty good job in the war
which makes him kind of popular
but not quite “President of Athens” popular
so he pushes it a little further

see there’s three major political factions in Athens
there are the grain farmers who live in the plains
who are rich as fuck because the Megarans have been blocking the ports for a long time
and all anybody can eat is grain
then there are the people who live on the coast
who are pretty poor but they’re still okay because i guess they have fish or whatever
and then there are the hill people
who don’t have jack shit because they live in the hills and why would you do that

so naturally Pisistratus decides to make friends with the hill people
who are not only ridiculously poor
but are also the smallest and least influential faction
which sounds stupid
until you take into account that Pisistratus also has an alliance with the coastal people
who are lead by a dude named Megacles
and you can’t go wrong with an ally named Megacles

except even with the two factions combined, Pisistratus still doesn’t have enough dudes
so what he does
and this, my friends, is brilliant
is he stages an attempt on his OWN LIFE
uses that as grounds to get the Athenian government to give him bodyguards
and then uses those bodyguards TO TAKE OVER THE ATHENIAN GOVERNMENT
my friends
that would be like if you faked a heart attack
to get a Paramedic to give you nitroglycerin
and then you used that nitroglycerin to BLOW UP CONGRESS
it’s a DICK MOVE is what i’m saying.

but so now Pisistratus is Tyrant of Athens
(that is his actual official title
cause greeks don’t fuck around)
and he starts doing all the stuff you’d expect a tyrant to do
like funding the arts
and giving land and legal representation to the poor
and … what?
this dude just took over the government with swords
why is he being nice
Tyrants aren’t supposed to establish bands of traveling judges to settle disputes in the countryside
they’re supposed to establish bands of traveling kidnappers to draft young men and women into the tyrant’s personal blowjob brigade
they’re not supposed to commission the first ever definitive transcriptions of the Odyssey and Iliad
they’re supposed to commission the first ever transcription of “I am Great and my Nuts are Huge: The Pisistratus Story by Pisistratus”

an instant classic

What the hell is this guy doing
he knows he’s a tyrant, right?

so obviously Megacles is like what the fuck, man
i allied with you on the condition that you were gonna be a huge dick
this is unacceptable
so he turns around and allies with the plains-dwellers
and Pisistratus gets exiled
but WHATEVER
this is ancient Greece
dudes are gettin’ exiled all DAY
Pisistratus just sends a message to Megacles like dude
If you let me back into the city, I’ll bang your daughter
and Megacles is like SOLD
so Pisistratus returns to the city
but what he didn’t tell Megacles
is that he was planning on returning in a gold chariot
accompanied by a hot chick who he intends to pass off as ATHENA HERSELF
AND HE SUCCEEDS
AND EVERYONE IS LIKE HOLY SHIT, ATHENA IS SUPER INTO THIS DUDE
LET’S MAKE HIM OUR TYRANT AGAIN
AND THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS
GUYS
THIS IS LIKE IF AFTER BLOWING UP CONGRESS WITH NITROGLYCERIN
THEY SENT YOU TO GUANTANAMO BAY
BUT THEN YOU CAME BACK IN A STRETCH LIMO
ACCOMPANIED BY A HOBO YOU HAD PAID TO DRESS UP LIKE THE GHOST OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN
AND THEN YOU GOT TO BE PRESIDENT
GUYS
WHY DO I NOT LIVE IN ANCIENT GREECE

so anyway, Pisistratus goes back to being a suspiciously nice dude
but he makes one crucial mistake
the crucial mistake he makes is that he always uses protection when he bangs Megacles’ daughter
and Megacles is having none of that
he’s like PISISTRATUS
I NEED YOU TO PUT A BABY IN MY DAUGHTER
and Pisistratus is like HELL NO SHE UGLY
and Megacles is like GETTIN EXILED AGAIN BITCH
and Pisistratus is like aw noooooooo

but it’s okay
because while he’s exiled he just gets super rich
buys a big army
and takes over Athens FOR A THIRD TIME
it is said that only half of the army was actually necessary to take over the city
the other half was just the manpower required to widen the gates of Athens
to accommodate Pisistratus’s HUGE FUCKING TESTICLES

so at this point everyone is like fuck it
we can keep exiling this dude til the cows come home
(and there are a lot of cows in this country, let me tell you)
but he’s just gonna keep coming back and taking over the government
so maybe we should just go with it
and they do
and it’s pretty rad
until he dies and then someone assassinates one of his sons
and then his other son turns into a jerk
and then Athens has to go back to being a boring old democracy

so the moral of the story
is that if you pull off any crime three times in a row
it becomes legal

the end.

Priapus Has a Hard-on for EVERYBODY

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Guys
GUYS
(also ladies)
There is NO EXCUSE
for me not having told you about this guy already
I mean this is a website about mythology, ostensibly
but it is mainly a website about BONERS AND SWEARS AND HOUSES MADE OUT OF VAGINAS
so how, I ask you
have I managed to let three years pass by
without discussing the very dude
who stubborn, giant boners are NAMED AFTER
yes friends, I am talking about Priapus
the namesake of Priapism
which is a medical condition that either means you have a spinal injury
or that you took too much viagra
or that you really REALLY need to get laid.

This guy is a god

So Priapus’s parentage is sort of uncertain
(probably because no one was super keen on claiming responsibility
for three very solid feet of titanic toddler todger)
but the story I like best
is that Priapus is concieved when Aphrodite and Dionysis get bizzay
(because if she’s gonna cheat on her husband
it stands to reason she’s gonna cheat on the guy she’s cheating on her husband with too)
and meanwhile Aphrodite wins the beauty contest that starts off the Trojan war
which is super impressive cause she’s got a baby totally effing up her figure
but it’s also super unfortunate
because Hera decides that in addition to starting the TROJAN FUCKING WAR
she’s also going to curse Aphrodite’s baby with a monumental meat missile
plus a permanent erection
PLUS IMPOTENCE
CUE SAD TROMBONE

so Aphrodite somehow manages to eject baron von longschlong from her baby haven
and Zeus is like AW HELL NO
I WILL NOT ALLOW ANY MOTHERFUCKER UP HERE TO BE SLINGIN’ MORE SCHLONG THAN ME
I HAVE A SCHLONG MONOPOLY UP ON THIS MOUNTAIN
OH HEY THERE SUGARTITS
HOW ABOUT A GAME OF SCHLONG MONOPOLY
(he’s not talking to anyone in particular when he says that last part
he’s just sort of generally propositioning the whole entire world)

so Priapus has to go down to earth and be sad by himself with his huge dick
and some shepherds find him
and they’re like man
what the hell is this
i heard the shepherds in the bible get to see angels and the baby jesus and shit
and what do we get?
a big pile of sad wang
oh well
guess we better make it our god

so they start worshipping Priapus
and Priapus starts meeting other rustic gods
(rustic gods being a fancy term
for gods who live in the forest and get trashed all the time with shepherds)
like Pan and Silenus and whoever
and they’re having a party one night
and all the wood nymphs are invited
and one of them is this mind-shatteringly hot chick named Lotis
so Priapus sees Lotis
and he would have developed an immediate and incurable hard-on for her
if not for the perpetual and incurable hard-on he has for EVERYTHING EVER
but either way he likes her style
and he is interested in getting up on that

but here’s the problem
despite the dimensions of his genitals
and the fact that said genitals are CONSTANTLY EXPOSED AND READY TO GO
Priapus has like zero game
well okay
he has ONE game
but it’s not a good one
it goes like this:

step one
wait for Lotis to get drunk and pass out
step two
insert penis
step three
partially remove penis
step four
repeat steps two through four

so Lotis passes out
and priapus is getting ready to enact his frat-boy inspired plan
when all of a sudden Silenus’s ass just starts screaming its head off
(I guess “ass” in this case means donkey
but i think it’s just as likely/hilarious
to assume that Silenus started ripping totally inhumane farts in his sleep)
but either way, Lotis wakes up
weighed down by a family-size summer sausage of lust
and she’s like ew what the shit
and runs away
and priapus immediately loses his boner
even though he’s cursed to never have that happen
because shit is just too much.

So the moral of the story
is that it’s not the size that matters
it’s whether you try and have sex with people in their fucking sleep

the end.

The Infancy Gospel of Thomas is TOO HOT FOR THE BIBLE

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So first off, quick announcement:
A collection of rad and well-monied individuals
have purchased enough of my book
to convince me to do a SHIRTLESS MYTH VIDEO for yall
so that will begin on Wednesday
and it will be the Oresteia
If you want to queue up another video myth after this one
YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO
(or if you don’t, click that link)

Anyway I’ve got a special treat for you today
it is called the Infancy Gospel of Thomas
and uh
it didn’t quite make it into the bible
now that I’ve read it, it’s easy to see why
it is because in this book
jesus comes off looking like King Asshole of the Fightin’ Assholes
lemme break it down for you:

So to start with, Jesus if 5 years old
5-year-old boys are automatically terrible people to begin with
they like to play this game called Punch Everyone
where no one wins and the rules are “Punch Everyone”
so now imagine you take a 5-year-old boy
and give him SUPERPOWERS
I have two words for you, my friends:
FUCK.

So one day Jesus is playing by the river with some pals
and he decides to SUBORN THE ENTIRE RIVER TO HIS WILL
he shapes it into like a weird sphere of pure water
which he uses to turn dirt into clay
and then he turns the clay into birds.
Oh, wow
this is actually pretty whimsical and cool
and not as bad as I made it sound at all

except that today is the sabbath
and you’re definitely not allowed to shape rivers with your mind on the Sabbath
God has already laid down all manner of crazy rules about that shit
so some of the kids go tell Joseph
(who is Jesus’s dad)
about what Jesus is doing
and Joseph runs down to the river like BOY
STOP USING MAGIC ON THE SABBATH DAY
GOD IS GONNA BE SUPER PISSED
and Jesus is like “fuck you you’re not my real dad”
and then the clay birds turn into real birds and fly away
and Joseph is like
…

This raises an interesting point
which is what a long-suffering sonofabitch Joseph is
he knows for a FACT that this kid is not his son
so either his wife cheated on him with superman
or his wife cheated on him with God
and either way he’s not no responsibility here
but he still sticks around
and assumes primary responsibility
for a five-year-old sociopath with superpowers
because, see, here’s what happens next:
some kid takes a stick and fucks up jesus’s water sphere
and jesus is like GET FUCKED
and the kid withers up and dies on the spot
and then pretty soon after that
Jesus is walking through town
and some kid bumps into his shoulder
and BAM
ANOTHER DEAD KID
GOD
HEY GOD, BUDDY
YOU DON’T GIVE POWER-WORD-KILL TO SOMEONE WITH NO CONCEPT OF RIGHT AND WRONG
I THOUGHT WE ALL KNEW THIS

so the kids’ parents are understandably pissed
and they go to Joseph like dude
you need to get your son to stop killing all our sons
and Joseph is like I KNOW

so Joseph goes to Jesus like Hey little buddy
you need to stop murdering children for no good reason
and Jesus is like okay
the children are all back alive now
but the people who told you to talk to me about killing children?
THEY’RE ALL BLIND NOW
SHABOOM

So then Joseph figures
that if his kid is old enough to strike people blind
he’s probably old enough to learn to read and write
so he sends him to school
but Jesus is just the biggest know-it-all in the class
and talks circles around the teacher
so much so that the teacher doesn’t even get past the letter “A”
before being like AUGH FUCK THIS
YOU KNOW WHAT DUDE?
YOU’RE JUST WAYYYY SMARTER THAN ME, OK?
I CAN’T FUCKING TEACH YOU SHIT
YOU WIN.

And Jesus thinks this is a pretty response i guess
because he un-blinds everybody he blinded

I’m gonna kind of skim over what happens next
because it all kind of amounts to the same thing
lotta people getting injured, and Jesus healing them without any problems
I guess because he’s starting to grow a conscience about all the kids he murdered.
I think my favorite one is the time where he’s playing on the roof
with a bunch of other kids
and one falls off and dies
because a roof is a dumb thing to play on
and the parents show up and are like JESUS
YOU MURDERED OUR KID, DIDN’T YOU
and Jesus is like nuh uh
and the parents are like JESUS
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF THE BOY WHO CRIED WOLF?
YOU ARE LIKE THAT
BUT WITH MURDER INSTEAD OF CRYING
AND CHILDREN INSTEAD OF WOLVES
And jesus is like okay I know how to settle this
hey dead dude:
did I murder you?
and the dead kid is like NOPE. I DIED OF BEING A DUMB-ASS KID.
I think the best part of this story
is it’s not explicitly stated that jesus brings the kid back to life
so I like to think he just talked to him and let him stay dead
like a jerk

So anyway
after a lot of healing wounds and suchlike
Jesus finally goes back to school
but he doesn’t go to learn
he goes to TEACH.
Before anyone can start talking about grammar or the alphabet or whatever
this six-year-old kid walks up to the front
and there’s a book there
but he’s just like fuck that
and starts saying whatever’s on his mind
and everybody’s like OH MY GOD SO WISE
so that’s when everybody gives up on trying to teach him

There’s other stuff that happens too
but by this point Jesus has stopped murdering kids
and he’s generally just sort of being a disaffected tween
who doesn’t tell his parents where he’s going
or when he’s gonna be home
and then they find him in a church or something
teaching priests and doctors about religion
and Mary’s like Jesus!
we were worried sick about you!
and Jesus is like whatever mom
I am actually objectively holier-than-thou
you don’t own me
and everyone is like YEP
IT’S TRUE
NOTHING WE CAN DO ABOUT THAT
BECAUSE IF WE TRY THEN HE WILL STRIKE US BLIND

So that’s the infancy gospel of thomas
it’s sort of a clusterfuck
but the moral is clear:
if you’re good enough at murdering people
you don’t ever need to learn how to read

THE END.

Indian Nuns are HARD-CORE

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I can’t
I can’t even like
begin to introduce this myth
I just have to tell it to you
ready set go:

So buddha comes to Benares, right?
remember that, it’ll be important later
but meanwhile there’s this nun who really likes sick people
I mean she really likes helping sick people
nobody likes sick people
sick people are gross
but anyway this nun goes through this big ol shack full of sick people every day
and she’s like hey sick people
what’s up
how can i help you
and today there is a monk in there
who is sick because he fasted too hard, like an idiot
and he’s like oh please miss nun
I am suffering from a disease known as
severe meat deficiency
if you could hook me up with some meat broth, I won’t be sick anymore
HOLY SHIT
BEING A DOCTOR WAS FUCKING EASY IN THE PAST
YOU CAN BUY MEAT BROTH IN THE STORE

except no you can’t
it turns out that today is “No-Meat Wednesday” in Benares
and nobody can buy any meat
so the nun is like what the fuck do I do
this guy is going to die and it’s all my fault
oh I know
how about I cut off MY OWN FUCKING THIGH
and make soup out of it
YES
GENIUS.

So she does this unbelievably stupid thing
and she sends one of her servants or whatever to give the monk the broth
and meanwhile she bandages up her profusely bleeding thigh and goes to bed
because mutilating your body is sleepy work

so her husband comes home
(yeah, nuns in india get to have husbands
sweet deal
but apparently nuns in india also have to cut off their thighs and feed them to people
less sweet)
and her husband is like hey baby
howsabout I join you under those sheets and we rub our bits together
(this line gets me laid all the time
when i use it at the old folks home)
and the nun is like actually uh
I am kind of bleeding right now
and he’s like oh you’re on the rag?
no worries, I can deal
and she’s like NO DUDE I CUT OFF MY THIGH
and he’s like HOLY SHIT
HOLY SHIT
You are so
fucking
PIOUS
Oh man honey I am so proud of you

You know, where I come from, they have a saying
that I think applies to this situation:
WHAT THE FUCK?!
Like okay, one person mutilates herself
she’s crazy
one person mutilates herself
and then someone CONGRATULATES HER ON IT?
That’s not double the crazy
That’s crazy fucking SQUARED
this is a geometric progression of crazy

so anyway, buddha’s in town
(I TOLD you that shit would become relevant)
and he’s gonna give a speech or something
but then he’s like hold up
we’re missing a nun
where’s the nun at?
and her husband is like uhhh
she’s sick
and buddha’s like whatever
make her come anyway
and her husband is like I TRIED to make her come
(IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN)
but she can’t walk!
and buddha’s like dude:
WHATEVER
just fucking carry her or something
I’m buddha
you don’t flake on buddha

so her husband gets her and brings her there
and the very moment buddha sets eyes on her
her thigh grows back
like SCHLUP-POW
(if you make this into a comic you have to use that sound)
and then buddha is like okay guys
where’s the monk who ate this chick’s thigh
and the monk is like It’s me, I’m over here
dude I swear I had no idea I was eating a lady’s thigh
and Buddha’s like bro
that’s a pretty fucked up thing you did
you know there’s this weird thing that happens
where if a monk eats an animal
later on he gets killed by that animal
it happens all the time, it’s crazy
but I’m not gonna make this nun kill you
she did a really nice thing
and that kinda cancels out the shitty thing you did
or i guess the shitty thing she tricked you into doing
so everybody’s forgiven
yayyyy!

Okay so I guess the moral of the story
is that cannibalism is okay
as long as it’s consensual.

THE END.

Themistocles is the Best Jerk In History

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Everybody loves wars
they cost a lot of money and people get killed
it’s super important to do
that’s why we do it so much
but my friends
what if I told you that I knew about a war
that was like
THE MOST IMPORTANT WAR EVER
would you say HOLY SHIT OVID
TELL ME ABOUT THIS WAR?
God I hope so
because that’s what I’m going to do.

So back in oldetimes BC there is this king named Xerxes
he is king of a place called persia
and I guess persia is getting pretty boring
because one day he decides he’s gonna burn down Greece
so he puts together the biggest army ever
there are like a billion dudes
and elephants
and weird deformed priests on crazy chariots and shit
trust me, i read it in a comic book
or actually, i just saw the movie that was based on the comic book
PRIMARY SOURCE

so greece sees all this shit coming
and they’re like oh no
what do we do
what do we do
and Themistocles is like I’LL TELL YOU WHAT WE DO:
WE NUT UP
OR WE SHUT UP
AND I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU GUYS
BUT I DON’T PLAN ON EVER SHUTTING UP EVER
SO IT’S NUTS OR BUST UP IN HERE

whoa whoa whoa
who is this Themistocles guy though?
WELL I’M GLAD YOU ASKED
(I’m just assuming you guys are saying all KINDS of shit today.
And yes I have been working out
thanks for noticing.)
Themistocles is a dude who lives in Athens
and Athens has a straight up, no-bullshit democracy
which means any crazy asshole can be president
and Themistocles is just the crazy asshole for the job
he doesn’t want to be president though
unless you mean president of ALL THE GUNS
in fact for the five or so years preceding the persian invasion
he’s just been standing in the middle of the senate house
yelling BUILD MORE SHIPS
WE NEED MORE SHIPS
and he is such a good yeller
that people have been DOING IT
and now Athens has more ships than anybody else
and Themistocles is taking advantage

so immediately he starts telling all the other greek cities what to do
because he has all the boats and he figures that makes him king shit
his plan is to gather everybody’s boats together
and then be king of all the boats
and then win the war somehow?
but one of those greek cities he’s trying to tell what to do is Sparta
whose motto is “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”
and they are taking absolutely NO sass from this puffed-up senator
and Themistocles is like okay fine guys
I’ll make you a deal
We do what I say
and in exchange, I’ll pretend like one of your dudes is in charge of the boats
and
AND
you get to send all your best warriors on a suicide mission to this narrow ravine up north
where we can maybe bottleneck the persians and kill them one by one
which will force them to get on boats and sail into my army of boats
after totally not killing all of you
how does that sound?
and Sparta is like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

But sparta isn’t the only city Themistocles has to convince to do something really really stupid
he also has to convince this other city
called ATHENS
yeah that’s right
he goes back to his own city and he’s like GUYS
LITERALLY ALL THE GUYS
I NEED YOU ALL TO GET ON BOATS
ABANDON YOUR LOVED ONES IN OUR TOTALLY UNDEFENDED CITY
AND SAIL WITH ME SO I CAN BE KING OF ALL THE BOATS
YOU NEED TO DO THIS BECAUSE I’M REALLY PERSUASIVE
HOW DOES THAT SOUND?
And all the Athenian dudes are like RHETORIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIC

so everybody gets convinced
and the plan goes off without a hitch
except for the hitch where the entire land army trying to bottleneck the persians is slaughtered
and the hitch where the boats are forced to retreat
and Athens is burned to the ground
and the fleet is cornered in a series of narrow sea passages
that are the last barrier between Xerxes and EVERYTHING ELSE IN GREECE

But everyone is still really impressed with Themistocles
because, maybe I didn’t make this clear enough
but this guy is REALLY good at talking
and he is also basically THE sneakiest bastard

see, what he does
is while the ships are retreating
he stops at every port where Xerxes might stop to get water
and he leaves a note like
“DEAR EVERY GREEK SOLDIER WHO HAS BEEN FORCED INTO THE PERSIAN ARMY
PLEASE DO A REALLY BAD JOB OF FIGHTING
LOVE, THEMISTOCLES”
the reason he is doing this, you see
is so that Xerxes will begin to distrust all the greek dudes in his army
which begs the question
WHY DOES THAT GUY EVEN HAVE GREEK DUDES IN HIS ARMY?
THAT’S LIKE MAKING A SUIT OF ARMOR OUT OF INWARD-FACING SWORDS

anyway I don’t know if that brilliant gambit works or not
because Xerxes and the rest of the persian boats make it to Salamis
which is the place where all the Greek ships are hiding
and also the plural of Salami
And everyone is like oh shit we are so boned
except Themistocles
who is like LET ME BONE THIS SHIT
so he sends Xerxes a really nice letter
the letter is like
Dear Xerxes
hey buddy
great war so far
I’m actually pretty tired
so I figure I’ll just join your team
these greek guys sort of suck
they are like
mega disorganized
totally attackable
probably all you need to do is rush in blindly with your ships
into a winding system of tiny sea passages that will make your large numbers useless
just some advice from one friend to another
enjoy the war!
love,
Themistocles
And Xerxes is like
OH MY GOD WHAT A GREAT IDEA

so he charges into the straits
and it turns out that the straits are actually pretty dire
and most of his ships get sunk
and he’s like fuuuuck
and runs away back to Persia
and the day is saved!
Thanks to lying!

But guess what, guys?
It turns out that a dude who is super good at lying to people
is not actually someone you want as a politician
it only takes Athens a couple of years to get COMPLETELY sick of his bullshit
and kick him out
and Sparta still has a bone to pick with him because of that whole suicide-mission thing
so they take the opportunity to kick him out of Greece entirely
so he’s like fuck
Guess i better go work for the persians.

AND THAT’S WHAT HE DOES
the dude who is primarily responsible for Greece’s survival in the Persian wars
goes ahead and joins the losing team
he gets MAD hookups, too
like 5 cities worth of loot, paid in installments
he is living the high life.
There’s only one problem though
when Greece decides to go to war with Persia again
the king of persia comes to Themistocles like yo
think you could help me murder all these greeks?
and Themistocles is like oh man
I feel like SUCH a jerk right now
I think I’m going to kill myself.

So he does
he totally drinks poison and dies
or, according to some people, he drinks bull’s blood
which is a pretty gross thing to do, and so i guess he dies from being too gross
unless “bull’s blood” is just a mistranslation of “red bull”
in which case he dies for the obvious reasons.
everyone thinks this is a really appropriate thing to do
because they’re fucking savages

so the moral of the story
once again
is that lying is totally overpowered
unless you wuss out and grow a conscience partway through

the end.

The Race of Men Is Totally Pussywhipped

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Okay so where were we?
Oh yeah
some chick was wandering around
sleeping with creepy goth forest dudes
and then everybody got murdered with poison spears
In other words
all the elves are busy being horny goddamn drama queens
while Morgoth is up in his hell castle amassing orcs
it’s sort of like when Alexander Great killed all those dudes that one time
by fake-attacking them every day for like six months
until finally they stopped taking it seriously and he attacked them
except instead of like six months
Morgoth has been playing this high-stakes game of I’m-not-touching you
for like FIVE HUNDRED YEARS
so naturally the elves are pretty bored
and one of the ways they try to relieve their boredom
is by going out into the forest and murdering animals

BUT HERE’S THE FUCKED UP PART:
The elves are so bored
that they even get bored
OF THE THINGS THEY ARE DOING BECAUSE THEY ARE BORED
so one day one of them wanders away from his hunting party
(Finrod Felagund, if you like names)
and stumbles upon a bunch of HUMANS
and he’s like what the balls
who are all these pink fleshy problem machines
sitting around campfires and beatboxing all night long
they seem pretty chill, i’ma go see what’s up

so in true creeper fashion
Felagund waits until they’re all asleep
and then he goes down to the campsite
and picks up somebody’s electric guitar
and just starts jamming out SO HARD
that everybody in camp is pretty sure they’re still asleep
and jimi hendrix is just straight molesting their dreams
and Felagund isn’t just jamming
he’s also singing
he is singing what basically amounts to a recap of the story so far
so all the men are like “oh damn
so that’s what’s been going on while we’ve been busy being dumb with the dark elves”
see, these men are from the east side
and they have come to the west side, where the elves are
because they heard that this might be where valinor is at
in fact they immediately assume Felagund is one of the Valar
but Felagund is like no guys
I’m just a regular dude
except way
way
better
(stupid elf!
when someone asks if you’re a god, you say yes!)

so men are like “aww
that’s disappointing
but we’re still down to receive wisdom if you got any”
and Felagund is like “sure”
and he spends a bunch of time teaching them shit
and then other dudes show up
and a lot of them become huge elf fanboys
probably because Felagund’s “wisdom” is actually pro-elf propaganda
which means that the best aspiration a lot of humans can think of
is to go enslave themselves to the elves
the other reason they do this
is that King Thingol of the Elves
(whose main job in this story
is telling people to get off his lawn)
is like NAW
NO HUMANS IN MY CRIB
and so the only way humans can hang out in elf land
is by being servants

so they do that
and more humans keep showing up
and the humans and the elves become great pals
despite the fact that Thingol’s sort of a dick
and Morgoth is all FRIENDSHIP?!!
SHIT
so he runs over to the human city
and he transforms himself into one of the important human dudes
and he’s like GUYS
LISTEN UP:
We came to the west side looking for the gods, right?
well how many gods did we find?
THAT’S RIGHT
ONE
WHICH ONE, YOU ASK?
WHY, ONLY MORGOTH, LORD OF HATE
My friends
if you are only going to find one god
Morgoth is LITERALLY THE WORST GOD YOU COULD POSSIBLY FIND
Guys, fuck this
let’s go home

so a lot of the humans are like YEAH
but then the guy who Morgoth was pretending to be shows up
and everyone’s like GREAT SPEECH DUDE
and he’s like what?
what speech?
MORGOTH!!!!
and Morgoth’s like HAHA YOU GOT ME
FUCK YOUUUUUUU
and then he runs away
(fun fact guys:
the word FUCK was the six hundred and sixty-sixth word in this myth
FIVE HUNDRED MYTHS AND I’M STILL ON TOP BABY)

so after that
a lot of the humans are understandably pissed at morgoth
but a lot of the other humans are like damn
shit is getting way to real for us up here
later, guys
and they go south and stop being a part of this story
which is probably the smartest decision anyone has made so far
and meanwhile the rest of humanity settles down
to the noble business
of choking on elf-dick for a couple centuries

so the moral of the story
is that you should start practicing some scales
cause if you solo hard enough for a bunch of humans
they will become your SLAVES

the end

Hippocleides more like HipHopcleides

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7

OKAY TECHNICALLY THIS IS NOT A MYTH
it is a history
but this history comes to us courtesy of Herodotus
who is about as historically rigorous as salad
so we’re BACK IN MYTH TERRITORY, NUMBNUTS
(hey is it just me
or does “numbnuts” lack a plural form?
what if I want to call a bunch of people numbnuts at once?
that’s what I was trying to do just now, and it didn’t work
okay from now on, it’s “numbnutses”
you’re welcome)

Anyway Herodotus says there used to be a dude called Cleisthenes
and Cleisthenes has a daughter named Megan
wait shit I read that wrong
her name is Agariste
and Herodotus doesn’t say whether Agariste is super hot or not
but at least Cleisthenes seems to think so
because he gets it into his head
that only the best dude in the world should be allowed to marry her
and since, as we all know, women are property
what he does is he builds this huge obstacle course
with like chariots and rope swings and swimming pools full of sharks and eels and bears
and then he invites every dude in the known world
to come chill at his house for a year
and participate in what is basically the ancient greek equivalent of the Bachelorette

now I know this whole “triathlon for pussy” scenario may sound familiar
but I want to make this abundantly clear:
Cleisthenes is NOTHING like Atalanta’s dad
nobody is killed for failing the high-jump
or doing too few laps
instead, everybody gets free food and booze for a year
and it’s generally just a huge awesome party
which means all these suitors must be going around thinking DAMN
I REALLY WANT THIS DUDE TO BE MY FATHER IN LAW

so finally the time comes for Cleisthenes to pick a winner
and he’s had his mind made up for a while now
there’s this dude Hippocleides who is obviously Mister Right
he’s got muscles like Ice-T’s got problems
which actually now that I think about it is not a lot of muscles
cause most people have about 700 muscles
and Ice-T only has 99 problems
but here’s the important thing:
NOT ONE OF THEM IS A BITCH

so Cleisthenes is all set to declare Hippocleides his new son-in-law
and he throws a huge party for the announcement
and everybody at the party is trying to convince him at the last second
by telling funny jokes and busting sweet dance moves
but Hippocleides is out-dancing them all
dude is jolly like a fire truck full of drunk Santas
and he’s really getting into it
he gets so into it that he makes somebody bring in a table
SPECIFICALLY SO HE CAN DANCE ON IT
and he’s up there doing the running man and the twist and the macarena
stickin’ out his butt and waving it around
and then he gets REAL ill and starts BREAKDANCING
spinning around on his head with his feet waving in the air
and Cleisthenes is NOT AMUSED

see, Cleisthenes is pretty chill overall
but if there’s one thing he can’t stand
it is TOO MUCH DANCING
so in the time it takes Hippocleides to cut a significant quantity of rug
Cleisthenes’ image of him has gone from Chiseled Greek God
to Extremely Low Resolution Jpeg Of A Horse Urethra
but he’s doing okay, he’s keeping it together
until Hippocleides starts windmilling his wang in time to the beat
at which point he just loses his shit and he’s like HIPPOCLEIDES
YOU JUST DANCED AWAY YOUR MARRIAGE
and Hippocleides is like
HIPPOCLEIDES CARES NOT
and just keeps right on dancing
(“and that,” says Herodotus, “is where that saying comes from.”
which begs the question
was “Hippocleides cares not” the first meme ever?
and if so
WHY ARE WE NOT SAYING IT ALL THE TIME?)

so Cleisthenes is forced to pick someone else
this duded named Megacles
who should have been his pick all along
because … because Megacles. That’s why.
Then everyone else gets like a thousand bucks and goes home

so the moral of the story
is that uninhibited dance moves may cost you a marriage
but you’ll still get a thousand bucks
and then you get to keep being single and dancing a lot
but is it worth it?
can a man truly be fulfilled by a life of solitude and rad hip gyrations?
I’ll give you a hint:
HIPPOCLEIDES CARES NOT

THE END.