Tam Lin is Really Good at Rape?

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it’s been a while since anyone got raped on this website huh?
I mean I already did most of the good zeus myths
and apollo couldn’t get his dick through a football goalpost
granted those are pretty high off the ground
but he can FLY for fuck’s sake
NO EXCUSES

so with that in mind
today’s myth comes recommended by a couple of people
they are the hivemind known as LAYZARR “TERROR TARTAR” FISTBUMP
and this is their story:

so there’s this dude Tam Lin right
he hangs out in the forest near this castle
and the king of the castle is like HEY ALL THE LADIES
DON’T GO IN THAT FOREST
IF YOU GO INTO THAT FOREST ONE OF TWO THINGS IS GOING TO HAPPEN:
1: TAM LIN WILL STEAL YOUR SHAWL
or 2: TAM LIN WILL RAPE THE HELL OUT OF YOU
so yeah
why the fuck would you even go into the forest anyway
all they got is trees and bearshit
oh yeah and shawl-stealing rapists

but the king has this daughter Janet
(SLUT!)
and she is like no way dad you’re not the boss of me
I’m gonna go into that forest
and I am going to thwart tam lin by stuffing my shawl up my kilt
HOW YOU GONNA STEAL MY SHAWL NOW TAM LIN HUH?
here’s a thought Janet
MAYBE HE WILL STEAL IT BY RAPING YOU
(as a side note
the ballad as written says that janet “kilts” the shawl
that alone makes me want to wear a kilt
just so i can kilt things)
i mean here’s what I don’t get
you’re going into the woods
knowing full well that there is a dude there who will steal your shawl
and if he can’t find the shawl he is going to rape you instead
so your brilliant defensive strategy is to HIDE THE SHAWL RIGHT NEXT TO YOUR VAG
thus virtually assuring hours and hours of molesting action
oh nevermind
i totally get it now

so janet goes into the forest and starts wantonly murdering roses
and KAZAAM
here comes Tam Lin like NAWW BITCH
TAKE YO HANDS OFF THOSE FLOWERS
and Janet is like fuck you I do what I want
and Tam Lin is like that’s funny so do i

CUT TO THE PALACE
so Janet comes home with a basket full of roses and a kilt full of rape
and the king is like OH NO DAUGHTER YOU’RE PREGNANT
and Janet is like FUCK DAD HOW DID YOU KNOW
I knew I shouldn’t have gotten you that pregnancy radar for your birthday
and the king is like DAMMIT JANET
THAT’S A SIN
and Janet’s like no dad it’s fine
I’ll just get an abortion
and the king is like oh ok cool
and Janet is like time to go pick some abortion plants
but where might i find such plants
oh I know
how about in the forest haunted by a dude who rapes you every time you pick plants
HEAVEN FORBID
sorry dad looks like it’s the only way
seriously I’m pretty sure this was the inspiration for the rocky horror picture show

so Janet goes back into the forest
making sure to kilt the hell out of her shawl of course
and she starts picking morning-after glories and coathanger weeds or whatever
and here comes Tam Lin like SHAZAAM
BITCH I THOUGHT WE HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL
PUT DOWN THAT COATHANGER WEED
and Janet’s like chill out dude
I just wanted to get your attention and your cell phone was dead
so who the fuck are you anyway?
and Tam Lin is like welp
basically I am this knight or something
but then faeries kidnapped me
and it’s been pretty sweet
except that tomorrow is halloween and that means they’re gonna kill me for no reason
and Janet is like FUCK
HOW DISTRESSING/CONVENIENT
HOW CAN WE SOLVE THIS SO WE CAN BANG MORE?
and Tam Lin is like well basically
tomorrow night we are all gonna ride by on horses
you gotta grab me off my horse
then they are gonna turn me into some real dangerous shit
like a lion and some hot pans and stuff
then they are gonna run out of ideas and turn me into a naked dude
and Janet is like oh baby I can live with that
let’s DO IT
so they do it
then the next day they execute the plan
FLAWLESSLY
then they do it some more
and the faerie queen is like DAMMIT TAM LIN
IF I’D KNOWN YOU WERE PLANNING TO NOT GET MURDERED BY ME
I WOULD HAVE TAKEN YOUR EYES AND REPLACED THEM WITH TREES
YOU HEAR ME?
TREEEE EYESSSSSSSS
but Tam Lin cannot hear her over the sound of Janet’s tongue in his ear

so the moral of the story
is that being a slut is pretty much awesome

THE END

Cows Sometimes Turn Into Bears in Finland

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6

Thank you Sarah “Murder Salad” Crunkpunch
for reminding me about the Kalevala and all the delicious fuckery contained within
here we go:

so there’s this chick right
she’s the maiden of the rainbow
whatever that means
I guess she’s what the lucky charms guy keeps in his pot of gold
shit, I wouldn’t begrudge that guy a hot dame in a cauldron
dude puts up with hell EVERY DAY for the sake of some FUCKING MARSHMALLOWS
but anyway this rainbow lady is a huge bitch who doesn’t understand baking
she’s so bad at baking that she actually makes some bread for her cowherd
composed of 1 part tasty grain
ONE MILLION PARTS ROCKS
it’s basically just one big rock with a flaky crust
the cowherd actually tries to cut it with a magic knife
and the knife breaks
which to me implies that maybe he was ripped off on that magic knife
but to him implies that he needs to MURDER THE MAIDEN OF THE RAINBOW
so here’s how he does it
being a wizard and all
he just goes ahead and transmutes all the cows into WOLVES AND BEARS
then he makes the wolves and bears eat rainbow brite
hold on
he’s a WIZARD?
why didn’t he just turn that rockbread into regular bread
instead of turning a bunch of lameass cows
into a BADASS BRUTALITY FESTIVAL
hm
i think i answered my own question

anyway that chick goes down like a thousand clowns
a whole tiny carful
and that makes her husband
(Ilmarinen, blacksmith extraordinaire)
SUPER BUMMED
he is so bummed
that he decides to MAKE A NEW WIFE
SHUT UP THAT’S A LEGITIMATE STAGE IN THE GRIEVING PROCESS
IT GOES DENIAL
GUILT
BARGAINING
FUCK IT
MAGIC METAL WIFE

so yeah
he uses his blacksmith skills and his UNGODLY WEALTH
to try over and over again to build a hot chick
first he builds a lamb by accident
pretty easy mistake to make
so he melts down the lamb
chucks in some more gold
yells at his contractors
and BOOM
this time he makes a horse
so he’s like FUCK
stuffs it back in the forge
chucks in some adamantium and plutonium
and THIS TIME manages to come out of it with a hot chick
BOOSH
and obviously she’s magic and everything
so she moves around and has sex with him and stuff right?
WRONG
JUST A FUCKING STATUE BUDDY
JUST A SHINY BIG-TITTED MONUMENT TO YOUR BACHELORHOOD

but that doesn’t stop Ilmarinen from trying to get his bone on with her
he gets a bunch of teamsters to carry her into his bed
and then he piles on a FUCKTON of blankets
and he starts playing dick roulette with the statue lady
(dick roulette is where you close your eyes and poke your penis at something
and if it goes in YOU WIN
sometimes)
but the only thing Ilmarinen wins is a severe caste of cock frostbite
aka dickshivers
I hope you do not have much cause to use that term in your daily life
but if you do
you’re welcome to it
you poor bastard

so the next morning
while Ilmarinen is still busy
desperatly trying to unfreeze his foreskin from in between goldlady’s toes
he’s like dammit
this is not working
what now?
OH I KNOW
I’ll pawn this off on this lonely old guy I know
Wainamoinen
BRILLIANT

so Ilmarinen loads up his snowmobile
and he rolls on over to Wainamoinen’s crib and he’s like hey
brought you a goldwife
i mean my first wife was kinda sorta stolen from you so i figure I owe you
and Wainamoinen busts out of his front door like GOLDWIFE?
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE ME DICKSHIVERS OR SOMETHING?
FUCK THAT
and then he’s like oh wait
oh shit
you totally tried to fuck her didn’t you
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HEY EVERYBODY
COME OVER HERE
CHECK OUT THIS DOUCHEBAG WHO TRIED TO FUCK FREEZING JEWELRY
and Ilmarinen is like ok man I get it
I’ll go find a real wife
jeeze

so the moral of the story
is if you’re going to build a robot wife
move to Southern California
no dickshivers, no problem

THE END

It was awesome being a poet in ancient Ireland

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2

wow
so i was like 4AM last night and I was casting about for a myth to do
and I look at my bookshelf and WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE
a book entitled ANCIENT IRISH TALES?
totally forgot I looted that off of someone’s table at burning man
so here goes some irish shit

okay so there’s this dude Niall right?
he’s pretty cool
he’s the king of all Ireland or whatever
he’s kind of homies with this dude Eochaid
and so Eochaid gets done partying at his house
for like DAYS
and sets off to walk back to is crib down south
but it’s more than a few blocks back to Eochaid’s crib
in fact it is DAYS AND DAYS
so Eochaid decides to take a quick break from one-manning it across a country
and hits up the castle of Laidcenn, Niall’s chief poet
seriously
chief poet
that was a fucking career option back in ancient Ireland
and you got paid in CASTLES
gonna go ahead and add 11th century Ireland to the list
the list of time periods that my parents unjustly failed to birth me into

so Eochaid rolls up to this castle
like YO
CHIEF POET
I KNOW YOU ARE BUSY COMMITTING POESIES OR WHATEVER
BUT CAN YOU HOOK A BROTHER UP WITH A BITE TO EAT
and Laidcenn is like
GET OFF MY LAWN YOU HAIRY LASS
NO BITE YOU’LL EAT BUT OF MY ASS
so Eochaid walks home
hungry and kind of embarassed

alright guys
so you know how when someone denies your god-given right to crash at their place
so you leave
and come back later with your army
and burn down their house and kill their sons?
well then you must be irish
because this kind of shit apparently happens there ALL THE TIME
so yeah Eochaid is standing in the ruins of Laidcenn’s house
like BITE YOUR ASS HUH?
HOW ABOUT I BITE YOUR DEAD SON’S ASS?
HOW ABOUT THAT
and Laidcenn is like diude
i’m pretty sure that’s cannibalistic necropheliac child molestation
and Eochaid is like dude
we live in a world where burning down your house and killing your son is legal
i don’t think it is much of a stretch to assume i can also eat his corpse’s ass
and Laidcenn is like fair point
and Eochaid leaves

but that is not the last Eochaid hears of Laidcenn
because what Laidcenn proceeds to do
is lampoon the everloving FUCK out of Eochaid and all his dudes
he satirizes those fuckers so hard THEIR PLANTS STOP GROWING
okay no wonder this guy got a castle
his lyrics are so heart-cloggingly dense
that they are actually BIOLOGICAL WEAPONS
and then on top of that Niall decides to go raid Eochaid’s territory
and tells everyone he won’t leave until he gets Eochaid as a souvenir
so everyone is like fuck dude sorry
we like you
but we don’t like you enough to have Niall skullfuck our countryside forever
so Eochaid is delivered to Niall
and chained by the throat to a stone pillar
and then Niall sends nine dudes to stab him to death
and Eochaid is like well this isn’t any good
and proceeds to just lightly snap all the chains with his throat
then uses them to beat all nine dudes to death
Eochaid: not someone I would want to arm-wrestle

so Niall hears about this
and he rides all the way back down to Eochaid’s place
and he’s like seriously dude?
alright
new deal
we’re gonna keep skullfucking the countryside
until you come meet us by the river for as long as a cow is being milked
I guess because they didn’t have hourglasses in those days
but it’s okay because a cow is basically a living breathing hourglass
with edible sand
and edible glass too I guess
MMMMMMMMMMMMMM

anyway Eochaid shows up at the river
with all his dudes
and he takes off all his weapons
and then Laidcenn shows up on the other side of the river
and just starts insulting the FUCK out of everyone
hurling weapons-grade burns across the river so hard that people’s faces are melting
and Eochaid is just like fuck this
takes a rock he kept tied to his belt
and throws it directly through Laidcenn’s skull
haha why did they try and tell this guy to put down all his weapons
all that is necessary for Eochaid to have a weapon
is for Eochaid to have ANY OBJECT AT ALL
but yeah Laidcenn dies
and they compose a quatrain in honor of his death
here it is, reproduced verbatim:

A champion’s handstone – tis well known – was hurled
Eochad son of Enna threw it at Laidcenn the son of Bairchid

that’s the kind of shit you churn out
when your chief poet just got hit in the head with a big rock
SOLID GOLD

so at this point Niall is just like fuck this
Eochaid
how about you’re just exiled
I’m done trying to talk to you or kill you or whatever
and Eochaid is like fair deal
so he goes and hits up his homie Erc
who is the son of Eochaid but maybe it is a different Eochaid

anyway meanwhile Niall earns is super rad nickname:
Niall of the Nine Hostages
because he takes hostages from basically everybody every place
he’s got five from ireland
one from scotland
one from the saxons
one from the britons
and one from the franks
basically no one is gonna fuck with him because then it’s shit city for the hostages

but Niall isn’t satisfied with nine hostages
pleasantly alliterative or not
he ain’t gonna stop til he’s got ALL THE HOSTAGES FOREVER
so he starts rollin on down towards italy
and he stops at the Alps
and Rome saves him the trouble by sending hostages to him
ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE ALPS
that’s right
Niall is such a rad hostage-taker
he is getting hostages via special delivery

but then the story diverges a little bit
some people say he died because he was busy showing his junk to some french chicks
who REALLY WANTED TO SEE HIS JUNK
which is pretty rad honestly
i’d be okay with dying of a nudity overdose in front of dong-hungry french ladies
but then there are other people who say that Eochaid showed up with more hostages
both Eochaids
or else they are the same Eochaid and just the one Eochaid showed up
I really don’t know
but either way
then Eochaid shoots Niall in the head with an arrow
marking the first time Eochaid ever killed anyone with an ACTUAL WEAPON
and then everyone is sad about it
and they fight like seven battles in front of the corpse
because hey
someone already opened up a fresh case of murder
it’d be a shame to let it go to waste
oh yeah and I guess some people are sad and they write poems about it

so the moral of the story
is I don’t care how many hostages you have
don’t piss off a guy who can kill flawlessly with any object at over 100 yards

THE END.

Rabbits are Sadistic Bastards

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Okay so here’s a good one
thanks to Monique “Katana Wombat” Brutalisk

so there’s this farmer
he’s got problems
these problems seem to have taken the shape of a raccoon fox
and two extraordinarily large testicles
that’s right
it’s tanuki time again guys
so this fucking tanuki is just robbing this farmer deaf dumb and blind
meticulously thieving the hell out of every vector of this dude’s estate
and so one day the farmer is like ok I’m done with this
and he digs a hole
and the Tanuki is like OH NO
HOLES
MY ONLY WEAKNESS
and falls in
and the farmer is like haha got you now bitch
gonna tie you to my ceiling and then go out hunting for the day
and tonight I am going to make you into SOUP
DELICIOUS

so the farmer ties that tanuki up
and gives his wife EXPLICIT INSTRUCTIONS not to let the it down
and then he goes out hunting
and the tanuki is like hm
how can I escape this predicament
OH MY GOD I’VE GOT IT
how about instead of having the farmer’s wife NOT let me down
I get her to
wait for it
LET ME DOWN
BRILLIANT
so he’s like hey farmer lady
let me down and I’ll totally do your chores for you
and the farmer lady is like SWEET DEAL
HAVE SOME FREEDOM
and the tanuki is like great thanks
and then beats the old lady to death with a wooden pestle
which is basically just a big splintery dildo
and then cuts her up and puts her in some soup
WHOA WHAT THE FUCK
I THOUGHT THIS WAS A TALE OF WACKY HIJINKS
WHY DID SHIT GO ALL JASON AND MEDEA ALL OF A SUDDEN

well anyway then the farmer comes home
and the Tanuki morphs into his wife
OBVIOUSLY
and is like hello husband I heard you like soup
so I put some tanuki in your soup so you could GET REVENGE WHILE YOU EAT SOUP
and the farmer is like EFFICIENT
BRING OUT THE SOUP
and the tanuki brings out the old lady soup
and then right before the farmer eats the soup the tanuki is all HAHA GOTCHA
YOUR WIFE IS IN THAT SOUP ACTUALLY
VROOM
and he runs away
and the farmer is like aww fuck
well at least he warned me before I ate any soup
kind of bad comic timing honestly
although now I gotta throw all this soup out
such a waste
jeeze
oh wait I mean I AM BLIND WITH RAGE
AAAAAA
and he is yelling so fucking loud that he wakes up the local talking rabbit
that is the problem that arises when you have huge ears
any dude in a 10 mile radius gets fucked over by a tanuki and you gotta hear about it
so the rabbit shows up at the farmer’s house like hey man
you seem pretty pissed
what’s up
and the farmer is like THAT TANUKI KILLED AND COOKED MY WIFE
WHAT THE HELL I THOUGHT THIS WAS GOING TO BE A FUN-LOVING ANIME ADVENTURE
and the rabbit is like shh shh
we are past fun-loving anime adventure my friend
now it is time for
FUCKED UP KOREAN REVENGE DRAMA
and the farmer is like ok I can go with that

so the rabbit goes out to fuck over the tanuki
he finds him hiding in his cave or wherever tanukis hide
and he’s like yo man
you look pretty shook up
wanna go pick grass with me way the hell out of town?
and the tanuki is like yeah man let’s get the fuck out of here
so they go out picking grass
way up on a mountaintop
no witnesses
and the rabbit pulls a silenced pistol out of his bag
while the tanuki is bent over sniffing flowers or pranking bees or something
but then he’s like no
too easy
so instead they both gather huge bundles of grass
and the rabbit lets the tanuki walk in front
and then he sets the tanuki’s grass on fire with his zippo
and the tanuki is like hey what’s that sound
and the rabbit is like nothing buddy
we’re just passing through the zippo mountains is all
crazy natural phenomena amirite?
and the tanuki is like yeah i guess
but then he starts to hear and smell fire
and he’s like hey what’s that
and the rabbit is like oh no worries dude
now we’re in the fire mountains
they’re right next to the zippo mountains
it’s pretty logical if you think about it
and the tanuki is like WHY DID YOU TELL ME THERE WAS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT
MY BACK IS ON FIRE
WHY WOULD I EVER NOT WORRY ABOUT BEING IN MOUNTAINS CALLED THE FIRE MOUNTAINS
AAAAAAA

so the tanuki gets horrible third degree burns all over his back
and the rabbit is like gee man i dunno how this could have happened
lemme make it up to you
let me rub hot pepper sauce all over your wounds
and the tanuki is like that doesn’t sound like making it up to me AAHHHHHH
and the rabbit is like shhhh
shhhh
it’s okay
feel the burn
i’m totally doing medicine on you right now

but despite all of the rabbit’s fucked up efforts
the tanuki survives his wounds
he recovers
maybe hot pepper sauce actually IS a cure for burns
probably not though
anyway the rabbit is like fuck
now I gotta kill him in a DIFFERENT way
so he goes back to the tanuki’s place and he’s like hey bro
how’s it going
and the Tanuki is like fairly shitty but I’m still alive I guess
and the rabbit is like that’s cool that’s cool
listen dude I’ve been getting really into fishing lately
even though I am a rabbit and rabbits are pretty much vegetarians
i dunno I guess I just like torturing and killing shit
so uh
wanna come with?
and the Tanuki is like DO I?
YES

so they go fishing
and the rabbit has prepared two boats
one is made of wood
the other one is made of clay
the rabbit takes the wooden one and gives the clay one to the tanuki
and the tanuki
who knows fuck all about boats
is like SWEET
FREE BOAT
LET’S GO FISHING
and the rabbit is like I’LL RACE YOU TO THE MIDDLE OF THE LAKE
and the tanuki is like YOU’RE ON
FRIENDLY TALKING ANIMALS RACING IN A LAKE
I KNEW THIS WOULD BE A FUN-LOVING ANIME ADVENTURE AFTER ALL
oh no wait looks like the tanuki’s boat disintegrated
now he is drowning in the middle of the lake
and he is like RABBIT
BUDDY
HELP ME OUT HERE
and the rabbit looks at him
with those fucked up beady red rabbit eyes
and he’s like

no.

and the tanuki drowns to death
and then the rabbit goes back to the farmer and he’s like hey man
problem solved
and the farmer is like sweet
now I can sleep at night
and the rabbit is like if you ever need anyone else tortured or killed hit me up
i think i kinda got a taste for this shit now
and the farmer is like i’m good for now thanks
but you’re welcome to live in my house if you want
so they live together happily ever after
until the rabbit’s trigger finger gets itchy and he turns the farmer into meatloaf

so the moral of the story
is don’t fuck with rabbits
in fact
don’t fuck with anyone because rabbits might find out

THE END

Abu Nowas has Big Balls

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Wow
Thank you Vanya “Terror-Talons” Tarantula
for introducing me to the shitfarce that is Tunisian folklore
here goes history’s first recorded instance
of a wacky TV sitcom

so there’s this guy Abu Nowas right?
he’s got a wife
OH WHOOPS NO SHE DIED
WHAT NOW ASSHOLE?
well apparently Abu Nowas opted for the extended warranty on wives
because the next thing he does is show up to the sultan’s house
and be like hey dude my wife died
and the sultan’s like WELL SHIT SON
WE GOTTA GET YOU A NEW ONE
MY WIFE WILL PROVIDE YOU WITH A REPLACEMENT WIFE FREE OF CHARGE
which begs the question
who is in charge of providing the sultan with a replacement wife?
sounds like everybody is shit out of luck if the sultana blows a fuse

but for now everything is fine
the Sultana shows up in the sultan’s justice room like yo what up husband
and the Sultan is like this dude’s wife died
and the Sultana is like oh damn
good thing I’ve been saving a replacement wife for just such an occasion
HEY GIRL GET OUT HERE
so this chick comes out
and she is bo-damn-diculous
chick-a-licious
frot-tacular
and the Sultana is like girl there is this dude here who wants to marry you
by the way he is the king’s jester so-
and the girl’s like I’LL DO IT
JESTERS ARE SO HOT OH MY GOD
god dammit
why are all the women who think juggling is sexy trapped in ancient Tunisia
and not like my house or something
wait that came out wrong
sexy juggle-loving ladies I do not want to trap you in my house
first of all it is an apartment not a house
but I mean you are welcome to drop by if you like

ANYWAY SO THEY GET MARRIED
and the sultan tops it all off with a 1,000 dollar wedding prize
except the money he’s using is better than dollars
think of it like one thousand MEGADOLLARS
and one thousand megadollars is basically like fuck-you money in ancient tunisia
so Abu Nowas and his replacement wife spend like a year
getting into hot tubs and trouble in equal measure
at one point I am pretty sure they buy huge noses from a plastic surgeon
and then fill a gatling gun with cocaine and just go to town
it’s a party festival
on top of a hootenanny stuffed with soirees
battered in shindigs and deep fried in bacon grease
but then their money gun runs out
pretty soon they go from picking their favorite flavor of caviar-plated space lobster
to deliriously trying to remember what food tastes like
and Abu Nowas is like fuck this we gotta get more money
ain’t no way i’m going back to juggling after twelve months in a cocaine blizzard
only one option
WIFE
GO TO THE SULTANA AND ASK HER FOR MORE MONEY
and his wife is like no you
and Abu Nowas is like fine ok

so he goes to the Sultan’s place
but before he goes inside
he maces himself right in the face
so he busts into the justice room pissing out his eyesockets
like WAAH WAAH MY WIFE DIED
and the sultan is like shit happens
I mean she was just a replacement wife
pretty expendable
and Abu Nowas is like fuck I guess I forgot to buy the warranty on my wife this time
fuck it I gotta stick with the plan
so he’s like
BOO HOO HOO I’M TOO POOR TO BURY HER
and the Sultan’s like what happened to the money I gave you?
and Abu Nowas is like BOOZE AND WHORES
THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED
and the Sultan’s like well
I guess I appreciate your honesty?
here’s a hundred megadollars

so then Abu Nowas gets back home and he’s like hey wife I have us some drug money
but it’s not nearly enough
this is only enough to buy maybe like
a medium sized dumptruck full of cocaine
and his wife is like well we can’t have that
and Abu nowas is like exactly
so what I want you to do is go to the Sultana and ask HER for money
and his wife is like fair enough

so she goes to the Sultana’s place
and she’s all like WAAAAAAH MY HUSBAND DIED AND I CAN’T AFFORD TO BURY HIM
and the Sultana is like girl what happened to that thousand megadollars
and she’s like BOOZE AND WHORES
THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED
and the Sultana is like aw man I’m sorry honey
here’s TWO HUNDRED MEGADOLLARS

so then the wife goes back to Abu Nowas’ house
like hey man I got double what you got
and Abu Nowas is like EXCELLENT
this money will support our unreasonable lifestyle for at least another week
meanwhile the Sultan and the Sultana will be NONE THE WISER

MEANWHILE AT THE SULTANA’S PLACE
the Sultan gets done with a long day of justice
and heads over for a little bit of after-work hunga-junga with the Sultana
and the Sultana is like hey husband have you heard
Abu Nowas is dead
and the Sultan is like uh no
wrong
his wife is dead
and the Sultana is like naw dude I saw his wife like an hour ago
and the Sultan is like woman do I need to send away a coupon for a replacement wife?
and the Sultana is like fine
send your doorman to go check Abu Nowas’ house
we’ll see who’s right

WOW
SO NOWHERE IN THAT EXCHANGE
WAS A DISCUSSION OF HOW MAYBE ABU NOWAS IS A FUCKING CONMAN
OK COOL WHATEVER

so Abu Nowas and his wife are building a snowman out of cocaine in their living room
and all of a sudden they see the doorman coming up to the house
and Abu Nowas is like QUICK
WIFE
PRETEND TO BE DEAD
I WILL CRY AT YOU
and then the doorman comes in and Abu Nowas is like BOO HOO HOO LOOK AT MY DEAD WIFE
and the doorman is like yup
dead alright
i’ll go tell the Sultan

so the doorman goes back and the Sultana is like BULLSHIT
HEY CHAMBERLAIN
GO FIND OUT WHO’S REALLY DEAD
IF YOU GIVE ME THE WRONG ANSWER I WILL HAVE YOU KILLED
so the chamberlain goes

so Abu Nowas and his wife have just finished inhaling the cocaine snowman
when they see the chamberlain outside
and Abu Nowas is like OH SHIT OH FUCK OH DOUBLEDAMN
NOW IT’S MY TURN TO BE DEAD
so he drops dead on the spot
and then the chamberlain comes in like yo what’s up
and the wife is like MY HUSBAND IS DEFINITELY DEAD
and the chamberlain is like YOU GOT THAT RIGHT
I’LL GO TELL THE SULTANA

so then the chamberlain goes back to the palace
and the Sultan is like 2X BULLSHIT COMBO
ONLY ONE WAY TO SOLVE THIS
WE GOTTA GO SEE FOR OURSELVES

so now Abu Nowas is frantically pacing back and forth in his cocaine-strewn foyer
it ain’t like he’s gonna be sleeping anyway
and he sees the carriage coming up to the house
all chock full o’ problems
and he’s like FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
THEY’RE BOTH HERE
WE GOTTA BOTH BE DEAD NOW
so they both go and play dead in the front room
and the Sultan busts in with his wife like HELLO
and he is greeted by a front room full of 2 dead bodies
several snowdrifts of cocaine
and a tophat that once belonged to some kind of snowman
and he’s like OKAY I WILL GIVE 1,000 MEGADOLLARS TO ANYONE WHO CAN EXPLAIN THIS SHIT
and Abu Nowas jumps up like ME ME ME PICK ME OH SHIT PICK ME
and the King looks at him for a second
and then puts his hands on his hips
and goes OHHHH ABU NOWAS YOU ARE THE UTTER END
and everyone laughs and the credits roll
and the sultan then proceeds to GIVE ABU NOWAS THE THOUSAND MEGADOLLARS

so there you have it my friends
hundreds of years ago
halfway across the world
the Tunisians predicted exactly what would happen during the financial crisis

THE END.

Shoemakers are far radder than Knights

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I learned this myth by reading someone’s shirt
or actually I had him read his shirt for me
because it was in polish and I don’t read CRAZY PEOPLE LANGUAGE
or polish for that matter

okay so there’s a dragon right

of COURSE there’s a dragon
because this is a fairytale
and I am gonna let you know right away
there are no princesses
or witches
or stepsisters or princes
so there’s GOT to be dragons otherwise who gives a shit?
but yeah this dragon is pretty great at its job
fricaseeing the townsfolk
barbecuing the sheep
flambeeing the houses
and what’s more
knights are coming from all over the place trying to kill it
and just straight failing
like they are all just boxcars on the failure express
running with maximum efficiency
next stop:
gettin-killed-by-dragons station
please no smoking, eating or gambling on the train
oh wait
it doesn’t mater
you’re dead
a dragon killed you

so yeah that is the situation
when one day this fucking shoemaker shows up out of nowhere
he goes up to the king and he’s like yo
what will you give me if I kill this dragon
and the king is like uh
how about my kingdom
sound good?
and the shoemaker is like well you are pretty shitty at bargaining
but yes that sounds fine

so what the shoemaker does
is he kills a sheep
and everyone’s like whoa what the fuck dude
that seems like the kind of thing the dragon does all the time
wait a second are you a dragon
and the shoemaker is like guys guys chill out
let me just skin this sheep real quick

so he skins the sheep
and then he fills the skin with PURE SULPHUR
i have no idea where he gets it but he has tons
and then he sews the skin all the way up
making this amazing sulphur stuffed fake sheep delicacy
and then he takes that sheep and chucks it in front of the dragon’s cave
and the dragon is like MM A SHEEP DON’T MIND IF I DO
CHOMP
and he eats that whole fucking terrible sulfur snack
and it makes him SOOOOOOO THIRSTY
that he has to run to the river and start drinking a ton of fucking water
now here is what i don’t understand
sulphur to me sounds like exactly the kind of thing dragons would eat ALL THE TIME
and water sounds like the opposite of that
but i guess this is just some kind of crazy bizarro dragon
whatever
the point is that the dragon keeps drinking out of that river for like YEARS
which i imagine is pretty terrible for the townsfolk because i feel like they need that water
probably more than they needed their sheep and their houses even
but it turns out to be ok
because the dragon eventually drinks enough water that he EXPLODES
and the day is saved

so then the shoemaker hits up the king like yo
i killed the dragon
kingdom plz
and the king is like what?
no
HAHA WHO’S THE EXPERT BARGAINER NOW DIPSHIT
and the shoemaker is like man what the fuck
and then he goes back to making shoes I guess

so the moral of the story
is if someone hires you to kill a dragon
get the terms down in writing
kings are generally shitty people

THE END

Tanukis Have Big Balls

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Hey
Hey you
Tanya
yeah that’s right I’m talking to you
no not you asshole
is your name Tanya?
didn’t think so.
okay
Tanya:
Cheer up
you have awesome friends and here is a story about raccoons with huge testicles
actually the raccoons thing is for everyone
and maybe you all have awesome friends too but I don’t know
the point is cheer up

okay so tanukis right?
this is some more japanese shit
and being japanese shit
you know it comes with the seal of ultimate japanese quality
ensuring a high density of rich, moist what-the-fuck every time
japan: the mythology you can trust
to be really messed up
but okay so what are tanukis?
first of all they are as adorable as a bullet train full of kittens
(assuming that conveying things at high speed makes them more adorable)
second of all they are a cross between raccoons and dogs
making them utterly terrifying ur-bastards of the highest caliber
and third of all they have the BIGGEST TESTICLES POSSIBLE
this is not a metaphor
these dudes were rooting through the bargain bin at Balls City
when they unearthed a whole case of super deluxe triple XL mentronomes
that they promptly superglued to their manplanks
and then proceeded to use the ungodly influx of testosterone
to go EVERYWHERE and cause ALL THE PROBLEMS
seriously go anywhere in japan
you will find statues of these little fuckers all over the place
getting shitfaced in straw hats
and then dropping ludicrously ill beats
drummed out on their DISTENDED MANBULGES
actually you know what
what i want you to do right now
is pause this myth for a second and go google image search “tanuki testicles”
yep
that’s right
those guys on the second row are using their balls to bludgeon large fish to death
guys i think i found the best google search

BUT YOU DID NOT COME HERE TO LISTEN TO ME WAX POETIC ON THE SIZE OF RACCOON BALLS
or if you are sort of psychic and also a little creepy
YOU CAME HERE TO HEAR A FUCKING MYTH
SO LET ME TELL YOU ONE
IT INVOLVES THE TANUKI

okay so there’s this tanuki right
he’s married to a fox chick
and they have a baby
the baby is a tanuki
not a fox
not a fox-tanuki
presumably because the baby tanuki used its massive fledgling testicles
to smother all of its fox DNA
but anyway this forest has been hunted all to shit
there’s like nothing to eat anywhere
and there are hunters running around all the time
and so the fox and the tanuki are getting pretty freaked out
and also starving to death
and they realize that if they don’t come up with a plan
they are gonna get fucked straight into an early grave
so finally the tanuki is like WAIT I KNOW
WE HAVE MAGIC SHAPESHIFTING POWERS
THAT MAKES EVERYTHING SO FUCKING EASY WHY DIDN’T WE THINK OF THAT
so what they decide to do
is the fox turns into a dude
and the tanuki turns into a dead tanuki
and the fox carries the tanuki into town
and is like hey guys
who wants a tanuki
tanuki for sale
and everyone is like I WILL GIVE YOU A MILLION DOLLARS FOR THAT TESTICLE DOG
and the fox is like SOLD
and sells the tanuki
and then buys a ton of food
and meanwhile the Tanuki escapes from the house of the dude that bought him
and goes home
and everything is great

BUT NOT FOR LONG
because one of the sucky things about food
is it gets eaten and then it doesn’t exist anymore
and so eventually they need to come up with a plan to get more food
and the fox is like alright
fair is fair
you got to be the dead body last time
i want to be the dead body this time
plus it would be kind of suspicious of the same random stranger walked into town
with the same dead tanuki
like hey who wants to buy my balls raccoon for a second time
i swear it won’t run away
so the tanuki turns into a peasant dude
and the fox turns into a dead fox
and the tanuki carries the fox into town

but oh shit
some of those leviathan testicle veins must have burrowed into the tanuki’s skull
because this is the point where his balls sieze control of his entire brain
and start hammering on every single button marked “BAD DECISIONS”
see he gets into town and he negotiates a sale
and then he’s like hmm
you know one of the bad things about a wife
is you have to share food with her
so how about instead I tell the dude i’m selling my wife to
that she’s still alive
and then he’ll kill her
and i’ll live happily ever after!
HEY PEASANT DUDE WHY DON’T YOU BEAT THIS FOX OVER THE HEAD WITH A BRICK
and the peasant dude is like DON’T MIND IF I DO
and the fox is like hey husband what’s going OH SHIT
and the tanuki just goes out and gets trashed
and stumbles back home at like 3AM
TO HIS SON
like hey kid what’s up
and the kid is like hey dad what happened to mom
and the tanuki is like uh well
when a man and a woman love each other very very much
they definitely do not sell each other to peasants who then murder them
and you know I love your mother very very much
so uh
you know
not that?
and the kid is like uh sure

but as the days go by
the kid starts to get more and more suspicious
and also the tanuki is being a huge dick and not sharing any food with him
so he’s really got no love for this dude whatsoever
and finally one day he’s like yo dad
you know mom taught me all her magical secrets before she died
and the tanuki is like WHAAAAAAT?!
I mean
bullshit
prove it
and the kid is like ok
how about you go to a bridge in the forest
and I will shapeshift into something
and try to cross the bridge
and if you can recognize me you win
but if you can’t recognize me then fuck you dad
and the tanuki is like YOU’RE ON SON

so he goes to this bridge in the middle of the woods
and a few minutes later his son shows up
but his son doesn’t cross the bridge
NO NO NO NO NO
he just chills out by the far end of the bridge and waits
he waits for his dad to fuck himself over
and sure enough
here comes the local king on his chariot of jewels and human misery
and the tanuki is like HAHAHA NICE TRY SON
YOU THOUGHT I WOULDN’T RECOGNIZE YOU AS A PROCESSION OF NOBLEMEN AND ALSO A CHARIOT
ALLOW ME TO RUN UP AND PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE
and the king is like ok what the shit is this
why is a raccoon dog trying to blackjack me with his ballsack?
guards
I believe you are trained to handle wild animals and their comically large genitals?
and the guards are like SIR YES SIR
and throw the tanuki into the river
where he proceeds to fucking die
like an asshole
and then I guess the kid proceeds to starve to death
because he just killed his only surviving family member
and now who is he going to pretend to sell to the villagers?

so the moral of the story
is I know the temptation may be great
but try not to assume that everybody you meet is a shapeshifter
it is just as dangerous as not assuming everyone you meet is a shapeshifter

the end.

You Can’t Take a Shit in Japan Without Creating a Minor Diety

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Alright so someone
(specifically Jake “The Snake” Orphangrinder)
brought it to my attention that I haven’t really covered the Japanese pantheon
sure I’ve told you some folktales
like about idiots who spend centuries staring at foxes
and birds with very roundabout ways of distributing riches
and like some kind of baby with superpowers?
but i’m talking about the real shit
the assholes in the sky having sex and causing problems shit
and Mssr. Orphangrinder was kind enough to provide me with some internet hotlinks
directing me to this shit
so this is the shit I am talking about today

so where do we begin?
oh I know
HOW ABOUT THE BEGINNING
DURRRR
okay so apparently there’s like a hojillion generations of gods in japan
in fact there are so many generations
that it takes seven of them JUST TO GET US TO THE DUDES WHO CREATE THE EARTH
what the fuck were those other generations of gods doing?
just chilling out in heaven
maybe having a few orgies
not fucking with ANY MORTALS AT ALL?
what kind of gods are these
gods with supernatural self control apparently

anyway after 7 generations here come the two main characters of this shitfest
Izanagi (meaning “he who invites”)
and Izanami (meaning “SHE who invites”)
(that has nothing to do with how they behave or who they are or anything
i just thought it would be a nice detail to include)
they are probably siblings based on how similar their names are
see also: tweedledee and tweedledum
and so this being mythology
their first act is to be like HEY
I MIGHT LIKE YOU BETTER IF WE SLEPT TOGETHER
LET’S LEGITIMIZE IT WITH MARRIAGE
but of course seeing as all the gods have just been having orgies and chilling out
for MILLENIA
no one even knows what the fuck a marriage is
so Izanagi and Izanami have to make one from scratch
and what they come up with actually makes a lot of sense
Izanagi’s like alright
what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna see you and get REEEEEALLY EXCITED
and then you are also gonna get REALLY EXCITED
and then we’ll be married!
and Izanami is like sounds great
i mean normally women are supposed to be super passive and not speak unless spoken to
but I guess I will make an exception because I am dying to get my bone on with you
so they do that
and then immediately get down to business
and Izanami gives birth to a hideous mutant leech baby
BIG SURPRISE ASSHOLES
YALL ARE SIBLINGS
actually I want to go ahead and applaud the japanese
for having the first mythos that actually accurately portrays the outcome of incest
oh wait no
i spoke too soon
turns out they had a leechbaby because Izanami TALKED DURING THE FUCKING WEDDING
WOMEN AREN’T SUPPOSED TO TALK GUYS IT’S UNLADYLIKE
so they take a mulligan on the marriage
and this time Izanami keeps her fat mouth shut
and then they get bizzay
and give birth to
THE ISLAND OF JAPAN
OW
not only is that not a living thing
thus making it probably more mutant status than the leechbaby
just imagine trying to push japan out your ladyhole
Izanami just gets all kinds of screwed over in this story

oh I forgot to say
they fuck so hard in the water that they create bubbles
and the bubbles turn into all the other landmasses on earth
which is good
because it means Izanami doesn’t have to individually birth EVERY SINGLE OTHER PLACE
but even so
japan is not the last level hazard Izanami has to scooch out her cooch
enter (or rather exit) KAGUTSUCHI
GOD OF FIRE
okay so you just gave birth to eight massive islands without a c section
good job
now let’s start from the top
except instead of landmasses
let’s use THE EMBODIMENT OF PURE FIRE
this is disgusting guys I am disgusted
oh also that’s finally what kills Izanami
so now she’s dead

but it’s okay
kind of
because when Izanami dies a whole bunch of other gods shoot out of her corpse
like the god of earth and stuff
and then Izanagi starts crying about it and his tears turn into MORE GODS
and then he gets pissed off and cuts Kagutsuchi into pieces
and guess what the pieces turn into
DING DING DING
MORE GODS
is there anything anyone can do in ancient japan that does not result in more gods?
answer: no

so then Izanami calms down a little bit
he is cycling through the stages of grief mighty fast
and he decides to go down to Yomi
which is japanese hell
and try and get her back
so he goes down there and finds Izanami and he’s like sup gurl
wanna come be alive with me again or something?
and Izanami is like aw shit man
I already ate a bunch of pomegranates or whatever and now I can’t leave
here let me introduce you to my friend persephone
i understand she had the EXACT SAME EXPERIENCE IN ANOTHER COUNTRY
man I love when myths are fucking identical and there is no rational explanation why

so anyway Izanagi is pretty disappointed
but he decides to chill out in hell for a while anyway
except here’s the problem
at some point he lights a torch
and he sees his wife
and she appears to have traded in her hotness for a lifetime supply of MAGGOTS
and he’s like AW HELL NO GIRL
I WAS GONNA ASK ABOUT CONJUGAL VISITS IN HELL BUT I THINK I NEED TO CHANGE MY MIND
BECAUSE IT JUST SHAT ITSELF WITH HORROR
and Izanami is like man come back don’t be a pussy
and Izanagi is like HIGGITY-HELL NO
and Izanami is like fine asshole
how about I kill a thousand people a day for the REST OF ETERNITY
and Izanagi is like ok you do that
I will create ONE THOUSAND AND FIVE HUNDRED people every day
suck it uggo
or actually don’t
that’s kind of what this whole dispute is about come to think of it
and so I guess they probably have a bidding war for a while
where Izanami ups the number of dudes she kills
and Izanagi ups the number of dudes he makes
and they keep doing that basically forever as far as I can tell
and that’s where overcrowding comes from!

so the moral of the story
is if you can avoid it
try not to be a mother goddess
you never know what the fuck they’re gonna try and get you to put in your womb

THE END.

Fuck you too, Hans Christian Andersen

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What the fuck is wrong with this guy
Seriously
So far the lessons we have learned from Hans Christian Assersen are as follows:
you need to be a horrible bitch to succeed in life
and then old men will rape you in your sleep
TWO FOR TWO THERE HANS OLD BUDDY
but the story I’m about to tell you not only takes the cake
it bakes a second cake just to videotape itself farting into it

so there’s this duck right
she can talk
OF COURSE
man just one time I would like to see a fairytale with animals as main characters
where the animals CAN’T talk
watch I’ll write one right now
ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A DUCK
“QUACK” SAID THE DUCK
THEN SHE PROBABLY ATE SOME BREAD
man okay I guess I see why everyone uses talking animals

ANYWAY there’s this duck
she has a fuckton of eggs and she’s sitting all over them
and then they all hatch
and look at all these adorable baby ducks
holy shit these ducks are fine
they are like the botox-injected love children of adonis and helen or troy
or narcissus and HIMSELF
but there’s one duck
who is more like if someone tried to make a salad
out of shit
yeah this duck is basically just a towering shit salad of wayward feathers and shame
and the momma duck is like uh whoa
how did that come out of me
I guess I was fucked up a lot back when I got knocked up
anything could have happened
but damn

but it’s okay
because as ugly as this duck is
his ass can SWIM
he can actually swim better than those namby pamby pretty-ass ducks
but oh wait did I say it was okay?
I meant that as soon as he shows up on the farm for the first time
all the animals start throwing rocks at him like DAMN KID YOU UGLY
GET OUT OF OUR FARM
and then his mom is like well son
you know what they say
true beauty is on the inside
so either you can leave right now
or we will cut you open trying to find a part of you that does not look like butt

so now the duck is homeless
a couple days old and fucking homeless
he wanders around until he gets to the marshes
and he runs into some geese
and the geese are like yo what up uggo
come be ugly over by us we don’t give a fuck
in fact we’ll totally take you to this party we’re throwing later
there’s gonna be a ton of hot goose chicks there and they are gonna be WASTED
maybe you will get lucky
a little interspecies romance never hurt anyone
except maybe the mutant offspring
and the ugly duck is bout to be all YEAHHHH LESS DO DIS
when all of a sudden one of the geese gets SHOT IN THE FUCKING HEAD
RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM
THAT’S SOME VIETNAM WAR SHIT RIGHT THERE
and then the other goose gets shot
and the ugly duckling is just lying there in the swamp
waiting to die
and a hunting dog rolls up like WOOF WOOF WOOF OH SHIT YOU’RE TOO UGLY TO BITE
WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF
and runs away
and the duck is like well that’s cool I guess
still traumatized though

so then there’s a huge fucking storm
and the duck takes refuge in a farmhouse
the farmhouse is full of three things:
a blind old woman
a hen that is as stupid as two hens
and an insufferable cat
and the old woman is like OH SNAP A DUCK
I HOPE IT LAYS EGGS
but of course the ugly duckling does not lay eggs
because he is a dude
so then the hen and the cat start talking shit
the cat’s like BOY YOU USELESS
BETTER LEARN TO PURR AND BE A CAT ALL THE TIME
WORKS PRETTY WELL FOR ME LET ME TELL YOU
and the hen is like CLUCK CLUCK I’M A HEN or something
and the duck is like fuck this I’m out of here
and that works out pretty well for him
because the old woman was getting ready to just murder and eat him

so now it’s starting to get pretty cold
and the duck is kind of worried because he has no friends or food sources
but then HOORAY THE DAY IS SAVED
some farmer finds him passed out in a ditch
and takes him back to his place to be a pet for his kids
but what’s this?
turns out kids are assholes
they basically just start punching the duck in the head again and again
and he’s like DOUBLEFUCK THIS
I’M DOUBLE OUT OF HERE
and breaks a bunch of dishes and escapes
INTO THE DEAD OF WINTER
he sees some swans flying south for the winter but he is too embarassed to join them
so instead he just sticks around and CHILLS THE FUCK OUT
WHAT
HOW DOES HE SURVIVE?
this is one lonely-ass duckling
in the middle of the goddamn wilderness
with no food and all the water is frozen
and it is snowing and he has no shelter
guys there is a reason a lot of birds fly south for the winter
it’s because THEY ARE BAD AT WINTER
but whatever
apparently he doesn’t die
maybe he chews off one of his own legs or something
in fact yeah
we’re gonna say he chews off one of his own legs
and huddles inside it for warmth?
sure
so then he survives the winter somehow
and the next thing he remembers is he’s in a pond again
and there are more of those fucking swans
and at this point this duck’s mind is completely gone
he’s been abandoned by his family
he saw the only two birds who were ever kind to him shot in the head in front of him
he’s been physically abused by children
and he had to eat his own fucking leg to survive the winter
there’s no coming back from that
so when he sees some swans chilling out in the pond
he is like well
I really wanna go over to them
but they’ll kill me because i’m so ugly
but you know what
fuck it
better to be killed by them than spend an eternity in the hell that is my life
yo swans whats up
kill me
and the swans are like what?
no way dude you are totally a swan!
and the duckling looks at himself in the water and he’s like holy shit you’re right
and then a bunch of kids show up like OH SNAP ANOTHER SWAN IS HERE
LOOK AT HOW FUCKING PRETTY HE IS
PRETTIEST SWAN EVER
and from then on the swan’s life is great
despite severe psychological damage
because now he is pretty and no one can see his missing leg under the water

so the moral of the story
is to all you ugly people out there
you better hope to god you’re just a late bloomer
because otherwise you are going to simultaneously starve and freeze to death
while your friends are executed in front of you in a goddamn swamp

Thanks, Hans Christian Andersen.

She-Who-Lives-Alone is a pretty sad name for a little girl

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Okay short myth today
but don’t worry
it is heartwarming as FUCK

alright so there’s this chick named “She-Who-Lives-Alone”
no she is not some kind of rad lone wolf chick
with a belt full of shells and nothing to lose
who don’t need no man and bites the heads off snakes
no no no
she’s this little-ass orphan chick
who is part of a tribe of Comanche indians somewhere in texas
see there’s a drought and her parents starved to death
and as a result her name is actually officially changed to “She-Who-Lives-Alone”
that’s fucked up
that’s like if I got my dick chopped off in a car accident
and so everyone decided to change my name to “He-Who-Ain’t-Got-No-Dick”
great guys
way to rub it in
like every time you need me to pass the salt and you’re like
HEY HE-WHO-AIN’T-GOT-NO-DICK COULD YOU PASS ME SOME FUCKING SALT PLEASE
like THANK YOU SIR I KNOW I AIN’T GOT NO DICK
EVERYONE KNOWS I AIN’T GOT NO DICK
AT LEAST COME UP WITH A SHORTER NICKNAME FOR ME
LIKE DICKSY OR SOMETHING
THAT AT LEAST SOUNDS LIKE IT COULD BE A REAL NAME
FUCK
so yeah She-Who-Lives-Alone
fuck that

but anyway i mentioned there was a drought right?
yeah shit’s pretty fucked up
everyone is kind of worried that they are going to die
so worried in fact that a bunch of the elders go up to the top of a mountain
and they’re like OY
GREAT SPIRIT
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT
WE KNOW YOU ARE JUST SITTING ON A WHOLE WAREHOUSE OF FUCKING RAIN
HOW ABOUT LOOSENING THE PURSE STRINGS A LITTLE BIT
and the Great Spirit is like sure dudes no problem
yall just gotta each set fire to your most prized posession
no biggie right
and the elders are like BUT GREAT SPIRIT
WHY DO YOU WANT US TO DO THAT
WE HAVE ALREADY LOST LIKE A WHOLE BUNCH OF OUR FAMILY MEMBERS
THERE’S THIS ONE CHICK
WE HAD TO CHANGE HER NAME TO SHE-WHO-LIVES-ALONE
WE CALL HER ORPHANS MCGEE FOR SHORT
IT’S PRETTY SAD
WHY WOULD YOU ASK US TO SET FIRE TO A BUNCH OF OUR POSESSIONS ON TOP OF THAT?
and the great spirit is like oh man
this rain feels so good all over my divine radiance
and the elders are like OK POINT TAKEN
HEY EVERYONE WE MADE A FIRE
COME SET FIRE TO YOUR SHIT

so Orphans Mcgee is pretty conflicted over this
because on the one hand she wants there to be rain so that everybody doesn’t die
but on the other hand
she owns exactly one thing
and that is a doll her grandmother gave her
shortly before dying
just like everyone else in her family
and this doll is like top of the line
it’s got berry juice all over its face
and a bunch of blue feathers stapled to its head
it is a pretty sweet doll guys i’m not gonna lie
and Orphans Mcgee is lying in her tent thinking fuck
does the great spirit actually want this doll
like what the hell is he going to do with it
what do you need dolls for when you’re fucking omnipotent
but on the other hand
my spider sense tells me that the great spirit is a huge asshole
who just wants to see a bunch of shit catch on fire
I guess I’d better burn my only posession
otherwise we’re all gonna die

so she goes out to the fire in the middle of the night
and she’s like alright great spirit
you win
go fuck yourself
and she throws in her doll
and she hangs out by the fire all night
and when it dies down she throws some ashes in the air
and then she goes to bed

and when she wakes up in the morning THERE’S FLOWERS EVERYWHERE
MOTHERFUCKING BLUEBONNETS ALL OVER THE HILLS AND SHIT
and everyone is like OH SNAP THANK YOU GREAT SPIRIT
I MEAN WE ASKED FOR RAIN BUT THIS IS COOL TOO I GUESS
and then somehow they figure out that this is all because of Orphans Mcgee
I guess because the flowers are the same color as her doll’s feathers
and they’re like ALRIGHT GIRL
YOU GET A NEW NAME
YOUR NEW NAME IS SHE-WHO-DEARLY-LOVES-HER-PEOPLE
NO MATTER THAT THE REST OF US PROBABLY SACRIFICED PRETTY VALUABLE SHIT
BECAUSE WE’RE NOT TINY FUCKING ORPHANS WHO ONLY OWN ONE THING
NAW GIRL THIS ALL COMES DOWN TO YOU
and She-who-dearly-loves-her-people is like well that’s great
but can I get a shorter name that is possible to use in daily conversation
and everyone’s like NOPE
and the girl is like ok
and then i assume everyone dies of thirst
because none of the versions I read say ANYTHING ABOUT RAIN

so the moral of the story
is it doesn’t matter if you’re Greek or Christian or Comanche
everyone can come together in the common knowledge
that god is a dick

THE END.