It was awesome being a poet in ancient Ireland

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wow
so i was like 4AM last night and I was casting about for a myth to do
and I look at my bookshelf and WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE
a book entitled ANCIENT IRISH TALES?
totally forgot I looted that off of someone’s table at burning man
so here goes some irish shit

okay so there’s this dude Niall right?
he’s pretty cool
he’s the king of all Ireland or whatever
he’s kind of homies with this dude Eochaid
and so Eochaid gets done partying at his house
for like DAYS
and sets off to walk back to is crib down south
but it’s more than a few blocks back to Eochaid’s crib
in fact it is DAYS AND DAYS
so Eochaid decides to take a quick break from one-manning it across a country
and hits up the castle of Laidcenn, Niall’s chief poet
seriously
chief poet
that was a fucking career option back in ancient Ireland
and you got paid in CASTLES
gonna go ahead and add 11th century Ireland to the list
the list of time periods that my parents unjustly failed to birth me into

so Eochaid rolls up to this castle
like YO
CHIEF POET
I KNOW YOU ARE BUSY COMMITTING POESIES OR WHATEVER
BUT CAN YOU HOOK A BROTHER UP WITH A BITE TO EAT
and Laidcenn is like
GET OFF MY LAWN YOU HAIRY LASS
NO BITE YOU’LL EAT BUT OF MY ASS
so Eochaid walks home
hungry and kind of embarassed

alright guys
so you know how when someone denies your god-given right to crash at their place
so you leave
and come back later with your army
and burn down their house and kill their sons?
well then you must be irish
because this kind of shit apparently happens there ALL THE TIME
so yeah Eochaid is standing in the ruins of Laidcenn’s house
like BITE YOUR ASS HUH?
HOW ABOUT I BITE YOUR DEAD SON’S ASS?
HOW ABOUT THAT
and Laidcenn is like diude
i’m pretty sure that’s cannibalistic necropheliac child molestation
and Eochaid is like dude
we live in a world where burning down your house and killing your son is legal
i don’t think it is much of a stretch to assume i can also eat his corpse’s ass
and Laidcenn is like fair point
and Eochaid leaves

but that is not the last Eochaid hears of Laidcenn
because what Laidcenn proceeds to do
is lampoon the everloving FUCK out of Eochaid and all his dudes
he satirizes those fuckers so hard THEIR PLANTS STOP GROWING
okay no wonder this guy got a castle
his lyrics are so heart-cloggingly dense
that they are actually BIOLOGICAL WEAPONS
and then on top of that Niall decides to go raid Eochaid’s territory
and tells everyone he won’t leave until he gets Eochaid as a souvenir
so everyone is like fuck dude sorry
we like you
but we don’t like you enough to have Niall skullfuck our countryside forever
so Eochaid is delivered to Niall
and chained by the throat to a stone pillar
and then Niall sends nine dudes to stab him to death
and Eochaid is like well this isn’t any good
and proceeds to just lightly snap all the chains with his throat
then uses them to beat all nine dudes to death
Eochaid: not someone I would want to arm-wrestle

so Niall hears about this
and he rides all the way back down to Eochaid’s place
and he’s like seriously dude?
alright
new deal
we’re gonna keep skullfucking the countryside
until you come meet us by the river for as long as a cow is being milked
I guess because they didn’t have hourglasses in those days
but it’s okay because a cow is basically a living breathing hourglass
with edible sand
and edible glass too I guess
MMMMMMMMMMMMMM

anyway Eochaid shows up at the river
with all his dudes
and he takes off all his weapons
and then Laidcenn shows up on the other side of the river
and just starts insulting the FUCK out of everyone
hurling weapons-grade burns across the river so hard that people’s faces are melting
and Eochaid is just like fuck this
takes a rock he kept tied to his belt
and throws it directly through Laidcenn’s skull
haha why did they try and tell this guy to put down all his weapons
all that is necessary for Eochaid to have a weapon
is for Eochaid to have ANY OBJECT AT ALL
but yeah Laidcenn dies
and they compose a quatrain in honor of his death
here it is, reproduced verbatim:

A champion’s handstone – tis well known – was hurled
Eochad son of Enna threw it at Laidcenn the son of Bairchid

that’s the kind of shit you churn out
when your chief poet just got hit in the head with a big rock
SOLID GOLD

so at this point Niall is just like fuck this
Eochaid
how about you’re just exiled
I’m done trying to talk to you or kill you or whatever
and Eochaid is like fair deal
so he goes and hits up his homie Erc
who is the son of Eochaid but maybe it is a different Eochaid

anyway meanwhile Niall earns is super rad nickname:
Niall of the Nine Hostages
because he takes hostages from basically everybody every place
he’s got five from ireland
one from scotland
one from the saxons
one from the britons
and one from the franks
basically no one is gonna fuck with him because then it’s shit city for the hostages

but Niall isn’t satisfied with nine hostages
pleasantly alliterative or not
he ain’t gonna stop til he’s got ALL THE HOSTAGES FOREVER
so he starts rollin on down towards italy
and he stops at the Alps
and Rome saves him the trouble by sending hostages to him
ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE ALPS
that’s right
Niall is such a rad hostage-taker
he is getting hostages via special delivery

but then the story diverges a little bit
some people say he died because he was busy showing his junk to some french chicks
who REALLY WANTED TO SEE HIS JUNK
which is pretty rad honestly
i’d be okay with dying of a nudity overdose in front of dong-hungry french ladies
but then there are other people who say that Eochaid showed up with more hostages
both Eochaids
or else they are the same Eochaid and just the one Eochaid showed up
I really don’t know
but either way
then Eochaid shoots Niall in the head with an arrow
marking the first time Eochaid ever killed anyone with an ACTUAL WEAPON
and then everyone is sad about it
and they fight like seven battles in front of the corpse
because hey
someone already opened up a fresh case of murder
it’d be a shame to let it go to waste
oh yeah and I guess some people are sad and they write poems about it

so the moral of the story
is I don’t care how many hostages you have
don’t piss off a guy who can kill flawlessly with any object at over 100 yards

THE END.

Rabbits are Sadistic Bastards

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Okay so here’s a good one
thanks to Monique “Katana Wombat” Brutalisk

so there’s this farmer
he’s got problems
these problems seem to have taken the shape of a raccoon fox
and two extraordinarily large testicles
that’s right
it’s tanuki time again guys
so this fucking tanuki is just robbing this farmer deaf dumb and blind
meticulously thieving the hell out of every vector of this dude’s estate
and so one day the farmer is like ok I’m done with this
and he digs a hole
and the Tanuki is like OH NO
HOLES
MY ONLY WEAKNESS
and falls in
and the farmer is like haha got you now bitch
gonna tie you to my ceiling and then go out hunting for the day
and tonight I am going to make you into SOUP
DELICIOUS

so the farmer ties that tanuki up
and gives his wife EXPLICIT INSTRUCTIONS not to let the it down
and then he goes out hunting
and the tanuki is like hm
how can I escape this predicament
OH MY GOD I’VE GOT IT
how about instead of having the farmer’s wife NOT let me down
I get her to
wait for it
LET ME DOWN
BRILLIANT
so he’s like hey farmer lady
let me down and I’ll totally do your chores for you
and the farmer lady is like SWEET DEAL
HAVE SOME FREEDOM
and the tanuki is like great thanks
and then beats the old lady to death with a wooden pestle
which is basically just a big splintery dildo
and then cuts her up and puts her in some soup
WHOA WHAT THE FUCK
I THOUGHT THIS WAS A TALE OF WACKY HIJINKS
WHY DID SHIT GO ALL JASON AND MEDEA ALL OF A SUDDEN

well anyway then the farmer comes home
and the Tanuki morphs into his wife
OBVIOUSLY
and is like hello husband I heard you like soup
so I put some tanuki in your soup so you could GET REVENGE WHILE YOU EAT SOUP
and the farmer is like EFFICIENT
BRING OUT THE SOUP
and the tanuki brings out the old lady soup
and then right before the farmer eats the soup the tanuki is all HAHA GOTCHA
YOUR WIFE IS IN THAT SOUP ACTUALLY
VROOM
and he runs away
and the farmer is like aww fuck
well at least he warned me before I ate any soup
kind of bad comic timing honestly
although now I gotta throw all this soup out
such a waste
jeeze
oh wait I mean I AM BLIND WITH RAGE
AAAAAA
and he is yelling so fucking loud that he wakes up the local talking rabbit
that is the problem that arises when you have huge ears
any dude in a 10 mile radius gets fucked over by a tanuki and you gotta hear about it
so the rabbit shows up at the farmer’s house like hey man
you seem pretty pissed
what’s up
and the farmer is like THAT TANUKI KILLED AND COOKED MY WIFE
WHAT THE HELL I THOUGHT THIS WAS GOING TO BE A FUN-LOVING ANIME ADVENTURE
and the rabbit is like shh shh
we are past fun-loving anime adventure my friend
now it is time for
FUCKED UP KOREAN REVENGE DRAMA
and the farmer is like ok I can go with that

so the rabbit goes out to fuck over the tanuki
he finds him hiding in his cave or wherever tanukis hide
and he’s like yo man
you look pretty shook up
wanna go pick grass with me way the hell out of town?
and the tanuki is like yeah man let’s get the fuck out of here
so they go out picking grass
way up on a mountaintop
no witnesses
and the rabbit pulls a silenced pistol out of his bag
while the tanuki is bent over sniffing flowers or pranking bees or something
but then he’s like no
too easy
so instead they both gather huge bundles of grass
and the rabbit lets the tanuki walk in front
and then he sets the tanuki’s grass on fire with his zippo
and the tanuki is like hey what’s that sound
and the rabbit is like nothing buddy
we’re just passing through the zippo mountains is all
crazy natural phenomena amirite?
and the tanuki is like yeah i guess
but then he starts to hear and smell fire
and he’s like hey what’s that
and the rabbit is like oh no worries dude
now we’re in the fire mountains
they’re right next to the zippo mountains
it’s pretty logical if you think about it
and the tanuki is like WHY DID YOU TELL ME THERE WAS NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT
MY BACK IS ON FIRE
WHY WOULD I EVER NOT WORRY ABOUT BEING IN MOUNTAINS CALLED THE FIRE MOUNTAINS
AAAAAAA

so the tanuki gets horrible third degree burns all over his back
and the rabbit is like gee man i dunno how this could have happened
lemme make it up to you
let me rub hot pepper sauce all over your wounds
and the tanuki is like that doesn’t sound like making it up to me AAHHHHHH
and the rabbit is like shhhh
shhhh
it’s okay
feel the burn
i’m totally doing medicine on you right now

but despite all of the rabbit’s fucked up efforts
the tanuki survives his wounds
he recovers
maybe hot pepper sauce actually IS a cure for burns
probably not though
anyway the rabbit is like fuck
now I gotta kill him in a DIFFERENT way
so he goes back to the tanuki’s place and he’s like hey bro
how’s it going
and the Tanuki is like fairly shitty but I’m still alive I guess
and the rabbit is like that’s cool that’s cool
listen dude I’ve been getting really into fishing lately
even though I am a rabbit and rabbits are pretty much vegetarians
i dunno I guess I just like torturing and killing shit
so uh
wanna come with?
and the Tanuki is like DO I?
YES

so they go fishing
and the rabbit has prepared two boats
one is made of wood
the other one is made of clay
the rabbit takes the wooden one and gives the clay one to the tanuki
and the tanuki
who knows fuck all about boats
is like SWEET
FREE BOAT
LET’S GO FISHING
and the rabbit is like I’LL RACE YOU TO THE MIDDLE OF THE LAKE
and the tanuki is like YOU’RE ON
FRIENDLY TALKING ANIMALS RACING IN A LAKE
I KNEW THIS WOULD BE A FUN-LOVING ANIME ADVENTURE AFTER ALL
oh no wait looks like the tanuki’s boat disintegrated
now he is drowning in the middle of the lake
and he is like RABBIT
BUDDY
HELP ME OUT HERE
and the rabbit looks at him
with those fucked up beady red rabbit eyes
and he’s like

no.

and the tanuki drowns to death
and then the rabbit goes back to the farmer and he’s like hey man
problem solved
and the farmer is like sweet
now I can sleep at night
and the rabbit is like if you ever need anyone else tortured or killed hit me up
i think i kinda got a taste for this shit now
and the farmer is like i’m good for now thanks
but you’re welcome to live in my house if you want
so they live together happily ever after
until the rabbit’s trigger finger gets itchy and he turns the farmer into meatloaf

so the moral of the story
is don’t fuck with rabbits
in fact
don’t fuck with anyone because rabbits might find out

THE END

Abu Nowas has Big Balls

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Wow
Thank you Vanya “Terror-Talons” Tarantula
for introducing me to the shitfarce that is Tunisian folklore
here goes history’s first recorded instance
of a wacky TV sitcom

so there’s this guy Abu Nowas right?
he’s got a wife
OH WHOOPS NO SHE DIED
WHAT NOW ASSHOLE?
well apparently Abu Nowas opted for the extended warranty on wives
because the next thing he does is show up to the sultan’s house
and be like hey dude my wife died
and the sultan’s like WELL SHIT SON
WE GOTTA GET YOU A NEW ONE
MY WIFE WILL PROVIDE YOU WITH A REPLACEMENT WIFE FREE OF CHARGE
which begs the question
who is in charge of providing the sultan with a replacement wife?
sounds like everybody is shit out of luck if the sultana blows a fuse

but for now everything is fine
the Sultana shows up in the sultan’s justice room like yo what up husband
and the Sultan is like this dude’s wife died
and the Sultana is like oh damn
good thing I’ve been saving a replacement wife for just such an occasion
HEY GIRL GET OUT HERE
so this chick comes out
and she is bo-damn-diculous
chick-a-licious
frot-tacular
and the Sultana is like girl there is this dude here who wants to marry you
by the way he is the king’s jester so-
and the girl’s like I’LL DO IT
JESTERS ARE SO HOT OH MY GOD
god dammit
why are all the women who think juggling is sexy trapped in ancient Tunisia
and not like my house or something
wait that came out wrong
sexy juggle-loving ladies I do not want to trap you in my house
first of all it is an apartment not a house
but I mean you are welcome to drop by if you like

ANYWAY SO THEY GET MARRIED
and the sultan tops it all off with a 1,000 dollar wedding prize
except the money he’s using is better than dollars
think of it like one thousand MEGADOLLARS
and one thousand megadollars is basically like fuck-you money in ancient tunisia
so Abu Nowas and his replacement wife spend like a year
getting into hot tubs and trouble in equal measure
at one point I am pretty sure they buy huge noses from a plastic surgeon
and then fill a gatling gun with cocaine and just go to town
it’s a party festival
on top of a hootenanny stuffed with soirees
battered in shindigs and deep fried in bacon grease
but then their money gun runs out
pretty soon they go from picking their favorite flavor of caviar-plated space lobster
to deliriously trying to remember what food tastes like
and Abu Nowas is like fuck this we gotta get more money
ain’t no way i’m going back to juggling after twelve months in a cocaine blizzard
only one option
WIFE
GO TO THE SULTANA AND ASK HER FOR MORE MONEY
and his wife is like no you
and Abu Nowas is like fine ok

so he goes to the Sultan’s place
but before he goes inside
he maces himself right in the face
so he busts into the justice room pissing out his eyesockets
like WAAH WAAH MY WIFE DIED
and the sultan is like shit happens
I mean she was just a replacement wife
pretty expendable
and Abu Nowas is like fuck I guess I forgot to buy the warranty on my wife this time
fuck it I gotta stick with the plan
so he’s like
BOO HOO HOO I’M TOO POOR TO BURY HER
and the Sultan’s like what happened to the money I gave you?
and Abu Nowas is like BOOZE AND WHORES
THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED
and the Sultan’s like well
I guess I appreciate your honesty?
here’s a hundred megadollars

so then Abu Nowas gets back home and he’s like hey wife I have us some drug money
but it’s not nearly enough
this is only enough to buy maybe like
a medium sized dumptruck full of cocaine
and his wife is like well we can’t have that
and Abu nowas is like exactly
so what I want you to do is go to the Sultana and ask HER for money
and his wife is like fair enough

so she goes to the Sultana’s place
and she’s all like WAAAAAAH MY HUSBAND DIED AND I CAN’T AFFORD TO BURY HIM
and the Sultana is like girl what happened to that thousand megadollars
and she’s like BOOZE AND WHORES
THAT’S WHAT HAPPENED
and the Sultana is like aw man I’m sorry honey
here’s TWO HUNDRED MEGADOLLARS

so then the wife goes back to Abu Nowas’ house
like hey man I got double what you got
and Abu Nowas is like EXCELLENT
this money will support our unreasonable lifestyle for at least another week
meanwhile the Sultan and the Sultana will be NONE THE WISER

MEANWHILE AT THE SULTANA’S PLACE
the Sultan gets done with a long day of justice
and heads over for a little bit of after-work hunga-junga with the Sultana
and the Sultana is like hey husband have you heard
Abu Nowas is dead
and the Sultan is like uh no
wrong
his wife is dead
and the Sultana is like naw dude I saw his wife like an hour ago
and the Sultan is like woman do I need to send away a coupon for a replacement wife?
and the Sultana is like fine
send your doorman to go check Abu Nowas’ house
we’ll see who’s right

WOW
SO NOWHERE IN THAT EXCHANGE
WAS A DISCUSSION OF HOW MAYBE ABU NOWAS IS A FUCKING CONMAN
OK COOL WHATEVER

so Abu Nowas and his wife are building a snowman out of cocaine in their living room
and all of a sudden they see the doorman coming up to the house
and Abu Nowas is like QUICK
WIFE
PRETEND TO BE DEAD
I WILL CRY AT YOU
and then the doorman comes in and Abu Nowas is like BOO HOO HOO LOOK AT MY DEAD WIFE
and the doorman is like yup
dead alright
i’ll go tell the Sultan

so the doorman goes back and the Sultana is like BULLSHIT
HEY CHAMBERLAIN
GO FIND OUT WHO’S REALLY DEAD
IF YOU GIVE ME THE WRONG ANSWER I WILL HAVE YOU KILLED
so the chamberlain goes

so Abu Nowas and his wife have just finished inhaling the cocaine snowman
when they see the chamberlain outside
and Abu Nowas is like OH SHIT OH FUCK OH DOUBLEDAMN
NOW IT’S MY TURN TO BE DEAD
so he drops dead on the spot
and then the chamberlain comes in like yo what’s up
and the wife is like MY HUSBAND IS DEFINITELY DEAD
and the chamberlain is like YOU GOT THAT RIGHT
I’LL GO TELL THE SULTANA

so then the chamberlain goes back to the palace
and the Sultan is like 2X BULLSHIT COMBO
ONLY ONE WAY TO SOLVE THIS
WE GOTTA GO SEE FOR OURSELVES

so now Abu Nowas is frantically pacing back and forth in his cocaine-strewn foyer
it ain’t like he’s gonna be sleeping anyway
and he sees the carriage coming up to the house
all chock full o’ problems
and he’s like FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
THEY’RE BOTH HERE
WE GOTTA BOTH BE DEAD NOW
so they both go and play dead in the front room
and the Sultan busts in with his wife like HELLO
and he is greeted by a front room full of 2 dead bodies
several snowdrifts of cocaine
and a tophat that once belonged to some kind of snowman
and he’s like OKAY I WILL GIVE 1,000 MEGADOLLARS TO ANYONE WHO CAN EXPLAIN THIS SHIT
and Abu Nowas jumps up like ME ME ME PICK ME OH SHIT PICK ME
and the King looks at him for a second
and then puts his hands on his hips
and goes OHHHH ABU NOWAS YOU ARE THE UTTER END
and everyone laughs and the credits roll
and the sultan then proceeds to GIVE ABU NOWAS THE THOUSAND MEGADOLLARS

so there you have it my friends
hundreds of years ago
halfway across the world
the Tunisians predicted exactly what would happen during the financial crisis

THE END.

Shoemakers are far radder than Knights

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I learned this myth by reading someone’s shirt
or actually I had him read his shirt for me
because it was in polish and I don’t read CRAZY PEOPLE LANGUAGE
or polish for that matter

okay so there’s a dragon right

of COURSE there’s a dragon
because this is a fairytale
and I am gonna let you know right away
there are no princesses
or witches
or stepsisters or princes
so there’s GOT to be dragons otherwise who gives a shit?
but yeah this dragon is pretty great at its job
fricaseeing the townsfolk
barbecuing the sheep
flambeeing the houses
and what’s more
knights are coming from all over the place trying to kill it
and just straight failing
like they are all just boxcars on the failure express
running with maximum efficiency
next stop:
gettin-killed-by-dragons station
please no smoking, eating or gambling on the train
oh wait
it doesn’t mater
you’re dead
a dragon killed you

so yeah that is the situation
when one day this fucking shoemaker shows up out of nowhere
he goes up to the king and he’s like yo
what will you give me if I kill this dragon
and the king is like uh
how about my kingdom
sound good?
and the shoemaker is like well you are pretty shitty at bargaining
but yes that sounds fine

so what the shoemaker does
is he kills a sheep
and everyone’s like whoa what the fuck dude
that seems like the kind of thing the dragon does all the time
wait a second are you a dragon
and the shoemaker is like guys guys chill out
let me just skin this sheep real quick

so he skins the sheep
and then he fills the skin with PURE SULPHUR
i have no idea where he gets it but he has tons
and then he sews the skin all the way up
making this amazing sulphur stuffed fake sheep delicacy
and then he takes that sheep and chucks it in front of the dragon’s cave
and the dragon is like MM A SHEEP DON’T MIND IF I DO
CHOMP
and he eats that whole fucking terrible sulfur snack
and it makes him SOOOOOOO THIRSTY
that he has to run to the river and start drinking a ton of fucking water
now here is what i don’t understand
sulphur to me sounds like exactly the kind of thing dragons would eat ALL THE TIME
and water sounds like the opposite of that
but i guess this is just some kind of crazy bizarro dragon
whatever
the point is that the dragon keeps drinking out of that river for like YEARS
which i imagine is pretty terrible for the townsfolk because i feel like they need that water
probably more than they needed their sheep and their houses even
but it turns out to be ok
because the dragon eventually drinks enough water that he EXPLODES
and the day is saved

so then the shoemaker hits up the king like yo
i killed the dragon
kingdom plz
and the king is like what?
no
HAHA WHO’S THE EXPERT BARGAINER NOW DIPSHIT
and the shoemaker is like man what the fuck
and then he goes back to making shoes I guess

so the moral of the story
is if someone hires you to kill a dragon
get the terms down in writing
kings are generally shitty people

THE END

Tanukis Have Big Balls

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7

Hey
Hey you
Tanya
yeah that’s right I’m talking to you
no not you asshole
is your name Tanya?
didn’t think so.
okay
Tanya:
Cheer up
you have awesome friends and here is a story about raccoons with huge testicles
actually the raccoons thing is for everyone
and maybe you all have awesome friends too but I don’t know
the point is cheer up

okay so tanukis right?
this is some more japanese shit
and being japanese shit
you know it comes with the seal of ultimate japanese quality
ensuring a high density of rich, moist what-the-fuck every time
japan: the mythology you can trust
to be really messed up
but okay so what are tanukis?
first of all they are as adorable as a bullet train full of kittens
(assuming that conveying things at high speed makes them more adorable)
second of all they are a cross between raccoons and dogs
making them utterly terrifying ur-bastards of the highest caliber
and third of all they have the BIGGEST TESTICLES POSSIBLE
this is not a metaphor
these dudes were rooting through the bargain bin at Balls City
when they unearthed a whole case of super deluxe triple XL mentronomes
that they promptly superglued to their manplanks
and then proceeded to use the ungodly influx of testosterone
to go EVERYWHERE and cause ALL THE PROBLEMS
seriously go anywhere in japan
you will find statues of these little fuckers all over the place
getting shitfaced in straw hats
and then dropping ludicrously ill beats
drummed out on their DISTENDED MANBULGES
actually you know what
what i want you to do right now
is pause this myth for a second and go google image search “tanuki testicles”
yep
that’s right
those guys on the second row are using their balls to bludgeon large fish to death
guys i think i found the best google search

BUT YOU DID NOT COME HERE TO LISTEN TO ME WAX POETIC ON THE SIZE OF RACCOON BALLS
or if you are sort of psychic and also a little creepy
YOU CAME HERE TO HEAR A FUCKING MYTH
SO LET ME TELL YOU ONE
IT INVOLVES THE TANUKI

okay so there’s this tanuki right
he’s married to a fox chick
and they have a baby
the baby is a tanuki
not a fox
not a fox-tanuki
presumably because the baby tanuki used its massive fledgling testicles
to smother all of its fox DNA
but anyway this forest has been hunted all to shit
there’s like nothing to eat anywhere
and there are hunters running around all the time
and so the fox and the tanuki are getting pretty freaked out
and also starving to death
and they realize that if they don’t come up with a plan
they are gonna get fucked straight into an early grave
so finally the tanuki is like WAIT I KNOW
WE HAVE MAGIC SHAPESHIFTING POWERS
THAT MAKES EVERYTHING SO FUCKING EASY WHY DIDN’T WE THINK OF THAT
so what they decide to do
is the fox turns into a dude
and the tanuki turns into a dead tanuki
and the fox carries the tanuki into town
and is like hey guys
who wants a tanuki
tanuki for sale
and everyone is like I WILL GIVE YOU A MILLION DOLLARS FOR THAT TESTICLE DOG
and the fox is like SOLD
and sells the tanuki
and then buys a ton of food
and meanwhile the Tanuki escapes from the house of the dude that bought him
and goes home
and everything is great

BUT NOT FOR LONG
because one of the sucky things about food
is it gets eaten and then it doesn’t exist anymore
and so eventually they need to come up with a plan to get more food
and the fox is like alright
fair is fair
you got to be the dead body last time
i want to be the dead body this time
plus it would be kind of suspicious of the same random stranger walked into town
with the same dead tanuki
like hey who wants to buy my balls raccoon for a second time
i swear it won’t run away
so the tanuki turns into a peasant dude
and the fox turns into a dead fox
and the tanuki carries the fox into town

but oh shit
some of those leviathan testicle veins must have burrowed into the tanuki’s skull
because this is the point where his balls sieze control of his entire brain
and start hammering on every single button marked “BAD DECISIONS”
see he gets into town and he negotiates a sale
and then he’s like hmm
you know one of the bad things about a wife
is you have to share food with her
so how about instead I tell the dude i’m selling my wife to
that she’s still alive
and then he’ll kill her
and i’ll live happily ever after!
HEY PEASANT DUDE WHY DON’T YOU BEAT THIS FOX OVER THE HEAD WITH A BRICK
and the peasant dude is like DON’T MIND IF I DO
and the fox is like hey husband what’s going OH SHIT
and the tanuki just goes out and gets trashed
and stumbles back home at like 3AM
TO HIS SON
like hey kid what’s up
and the kid is like hey dad what happened to mom
and the tanuki is like uh well
when a man and a woman love each other very very much
they definitely do not sell each other to peasants who then murder them
and you know I love your mother very very much
so uh
you know
not that?
and the kid is like uh sure

but as the days go by
the kid starts to get more and more suspicious
and also the tanuki is being a huge dick and not sharing any food with him
so he’s really got no love for this dude whatsoever
and finally one day he’s like yo dad
you know mom taught me all her magical secrets before she died
and the tanuki is like WHAAAAAAT?!
I mean
bullshit
prove it
and the kid is like ok
how about you go to a bridge in the forest
and I will shapeshift into something
and try to cross the bridge
and if you can recognize me you win
but if you can’t recognize me then fuck you dad
and the tanuki is like YOU’RE ON SON

so he goes to this bridge in the middle of the woods
and a few minutes later his son shows up
but his son doesn’t cross the bridge
NO NO NO NO NO
he just chills out by the far end of the bridge and waits
he waits for his dad to fuck himself over
and sure enough
here comes the local king on his chariot of jewels and human misery
and the tanuki is like HAHAHA NICE TRY SON
YOU THOUGHT I WOULDN’T RECOGNIZE YOU AS A PROCESSION OF NOBLEMEN AND ALSO A CHARIOT
ALLOW ME TO RUN UP AND PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE
and the king is like ok what the shit is this
why is a raccoon dog trying to blackjack me with his ballsack?
guards
I believe you are trained to handle wild animals and their comically large genitals?
and the guards are like SIR YES SIR
and throw the tanuki into the river
where he proceeds to fucking die
like an asshole
and then I guess the kid proceeds to starve to death
because he just killed his only surviving family member
and now who is he going to pretend to sell to the villagers?

so the moral of the story
is I know the temptation may be great
but try not to assume that everybody you meet is a shapeshifter
it is just as dangerous as not assuming everyone you meet is a shapeshifter

the end.

You Can’t Take a Shit in Japan Without Creating a Minor Diety

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Alright so someone
(specifically Jake “The Snake” Orphangrinder)
brought it to my attention that I haven’t really covered the Japanese pantheon
sure I’ve told you some folktales
like about idiots who spend centuries staring at foxes
and birds with very roundabout ways of distributing riches
and like some kind of baby with superpowers?
but i’m talking about the real shit
the assholes in the sky having sex and causing problems shit
and Mssr. Orphangrinder was kind enough to provide me with some internet hotlinks
directing me to this shit
so this is the shit I am talking about today

so where do we begin?
oh I know
HOW ABOUT THE BEGINNING
DURRRR
okay so apparently there’s like a hojillion generations of gods in japan
in fact there are so many generations
that it takes seven of them JUST TO GET US TO THE DUDES WHO CREATE THE EARTH
what the fuck were those other generations of gods doing?
just chilling out in heaven
maybe having a few orgies
not fucking with ANY MORTALS AT ALL?
what kind of gods are these
gods with supernatural self control apparently

anyway after 7 generations here come the two main characters of this shitfest
Izanagi (meaning “he who invites”)
and Izanami (meaning “SHE who invites”)
(that has nothing to do with how they behave or who they are or anything
i just thought it would be a nice detail to include)
they are probably siblings based on how similar their names are
see also: tweedledee and tweedledum
and so this being mythology
their first act is to be like HEY
I MIGHT LIKE YOU BETTER IF WE SLEPT TOGETHER
LET’S LEGITIMIZE IT WITH MARRIAGE
but of course seeing as all the gods have just been having orgies and chilling out
for MILLENIA
no one even knows what the fuck a marriage is
so Izanagi and Izanami have to make one from scratch
and what they come up with actually makes a lot of sense
Izanagi’s like alright
what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna see you and get REEEEEALLY EXCITED
and then you are also gonna get REALLY EXCITED
and then we’ll be married!
and Izanami is like sounds great
i mean normally women are supposed to be super passive and not speak unless spoken to
but I guess I will make an exception because I am dying to get my bone on with you
so they do that
and then immediately get down to business
and Izanami gives birth to a hideous mutant leech baby
BIG SURPRISE ASSHOLES
YALL ARE SIBLINGS
actually I want to go ahead and applaud the japanese
for having the first mythos that actually accurately portrays the outcome of incest
oh wait no
i spoke too soon
turns out they had a leechbaby because Izanami TALKED DURING THE FUCKING WEDDING
WOMEN AREN’T SUPPOSED TO TALK GUYS IT’S UNLADYLIKE
so they take a mulligan on the marriage
and this time Izanami keeps her fat mouth shut
and then they get bizzay
and give birth to
THE ISLAND OF JAPAN
OW
not only is that not a living thing
thus making it probably more mutant status than the leechbaby
just imagine trying to push japan out your ladyhole
Izanami just gets all kinds of screwed over in this story

oh I forgot to say
they fuck so hard in the water that they create bubbles
and the bubbles turn into all the other landmasses on earth
which is good
because it means Izanami doesn’t have to individually birth EVERY SINGLE OTHER PLACE
but even so
japan is not the last level hazard Izanami has to scooch out her cooch
enter (or rather exit) KAGUTSUCHI
GOD OF FIRE
okay so you just gave birth to eight massive islands without a c section
good job
now let’s start from the top
except instead of landmasses
let’s use THE EMBODIMENT OF PURE FIRE
this is disgusting guys I am disgusted
oh also that’s finally what kills Izanami
so now she’s dead

but it’s okay
kind of
because when Izanami dies a whole bunch of other gods shoot out of her corpse
like the god of earth and stuff
and then Izanagi starts crying about it and his tears turn into MORE GODS
and then he gets pissed off and cuts Kagutsuchi into pieces
and guess what the pieces turn into
DING DING DING
MORE GODS
is there anything anyone can do in ancient japan that does not result in more gods?
answer: no

so then Izanami calms down a little bit
he is cycling through the stages of grief mighty fast
and he decides to go down to Yomi
which is japanese hell
and try and get her back
so he goes down there and finds Izanami and he’s like sup gurl
wanna come be alive with me again or something?
and Izanami is like aw shit man
I already ate a bunch of pomegranates or whatever and now I can’t leave
here let me introduce you to my friend persephone
i understand she had the EXACT SAME EXPERIENCE IN ANOTHER COUNTRY
man I love when myths are fucking identical and there is no rational explanation why

so anyway Izanagi is pretty disappointed
but he decides to chill out in hell for a while anyway
except here’s the problem
at some point he lights a torch
and he sees his wife
and she appears to have traded in her hotness for a lifetime supply of MAGGOTS
and he’s like AW HELL NO GIRL
I WAS GONNA ASK ABOUT CONJUGAL VISITS IN HELL BUT I THINK I NEED TO CHANGE MY MIND
BECAUSE IT JUST SHAT ITSELF WITH HORROR
and Izanami is like man come back don’t be a pussy
and Izanagi is like HIGGITY-HELL NO
and Izanami is like fine asshole
how about I kill a thousand people a day for the REST OF ETERNITY
and Izanagi is like ok you do that
I will create ONE THOUSAND AND FIVE HUNDRED people every day
suck it uggo
or actually don’t
that’s kind of what this whole dispute is about come to think of it
and so I guess they probably have a bidding war for a while
where Izanami ups the number of dudes she kills
and Izanagi ups the number of dudes he makes
and they keep doing that basically forever as far as I can tell
and that’s where overcrowding comes from!

so the moral of the story
is if you can avoid it
try not to be a mother goddess
you never know what the fuck they’re gonna try and get you to put in your womb

THE END.

Fuck you too, Hans Christian Andersen

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What the fuck is wrong with this guy
Seriously
So far the lessons we have learned from Hans Christian Assersen are as follows:
you need to be a horrible bitch to succeed in life
and then old men will rape you in your sleep
TWO FOR TWO THERE HANS OLD BUDDY
but the story I’m about to tell you not only takes the cake
it bakes a second cake just to videotape itself farting into it

so there’s this duck right
she can talk
OF COURSE
man just one time I would like to see a fairytale with animals as main characters
where the animals CAN’T talk
watch I’ll write one right now
ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A DUCK
“QUACK” SAID THE DUCK
THEN SHE PROBABLY ATE SOME BREAD
man okay I guess I see why everyone uses talking animals

ANYWAY there’s this duck
she has a fuckton of eggs and she’s sitting all over them
and then they all hatch
and look at all these adorable baby ducks
holy shit these ducks are fine
they are like the botox-injected love children of adonis and helen or troy
or narcissus and HIMSELF
but there’s one duck
who is more like if someone tried to make a salad
out of shit
yeah this duck is basically just a towering shit salad of wayward feathers and shame
and the momma duck is like uh whoa
how did that come out of me
I guess I was fucked up a lot back when I got knocked up
anything could have happened
but damn

but it’s okay
because as ugly as this duck is
his ass can SWIM
he can actually swim better than those namby pamby pretty-ass ducks
but oh wait did I say it was okay?
I meant that as soon as he shows up on the farm for the first time
all the animals start throwing rocks at him like DAMN KID YOU UGLY
GET OUT OF OUR FARM
and then his mom is like well son
you know what they say
true beauty is on the inside
so either you can leave right now
or we will cut you open trying to find a part of you that does not look like butt

so now the duck is homeless
a couple days old and fucking homeless
he wanders around until he gets to the marshes
and he runs into some geese
and the geese are like yo what up uggo
come be ugly over by us we don’t give a fuck
in fact we’ll totally take you to this party we’re throwing later
there’s gonna be a ton of hot goose chicks there and they are gonna be WASTED
maybe you will get lucky
a little interspecies romance never hurt anyone
except maybe the mutant offspring
and the ugly duck is bout to be all YEAHHHH LESS DO DIS
when all of a sudden one of the geese gets SHOT IN THE FUCKING HEAD
RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM
THAT’S SOME VIETNAM WAR SHIT RIGHT THERE
and then the other goose gets shot
and the ugly duckling is just lying there in the swamp
waiting to die
and a hunting dog rolls up like WOOF WOOF WOOF OH SHIT YOU’RE TOO UGLY TO BITE
WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF
and runs away
and the duck is like well that’s cool I guess
still traumatized though

so then there’s a huge fucking storm
and the duck takes refuge in a farmhouse
the farmhouse is full of three things:
a blind old woman
a hen that is as stupid as two hens
and an insufferable cat
and the old woman is like OH SNAP A DUCK
I HOPE IT LAYS EGGS
but of course the ugly duckling does not lay eggs
because he is a dude
so then the hen and the cat start talking shit
the cat’s like BOY YOU USELESS
BETTER LEARN TO PURR AND BE A CAT ALL THE TIME
WORKS PRETTY WELL FOR ME LET ME TELL YOU
and the hen is like CLUCK CLUCK I’M A HEN or something
and the duck is like fuck this I’m out of here
and that works out pretty well for him
because the old woman was getting ready to just murder and eat him

so now it’s starting to get pretty cold
and the duck is kind of worried because he has no friends or food sources
but then HOORAY THE DAY IS SAVED
some farmer finds him passed out in a ditch
and takes him back to his place to be a pet for his kids
but what’s this?
turns out kids are assholes
they basically just start punching the duck in the head again and again
and he’s like DOUBLEFUCK THIS
I’M DOUBLE OUT OF HERE
and breaks a bunch of dishes and escapes
INTO THE DEAD OF WINTER
he sees some swans flying south for the winter but he is too embarassed to join them
so instead he just sticks around and CHILLS THE FUCK OUT
WHAT
HOW DOES HE SURVIVE?
this is one lonely-ass duckling
in the middle of the goddamn wilderness
with no food and all the water is frozen
and it is snowing and he has no shelter
guys there is a reason a lot of birds fly south for the winter
it’s because THEY ARE BAD AT WINTER
but whatever
apparently he doesn’t die
maybe he chews off one of his own legs or something
in fact yeah
we’re gonna say he chews off one of his own legs
and huddles inside it for warmth?
sure
so then he survives the winter somehow
and the next thing he remembers is he’s in a pond again
and there are more of those fucking swans
and at this point this duck’s mind is completely gone
he’s been abandoned by his family
he saw the only two birds who were ever kind to him shot in the head in front of him
he’s been physically abused by children
and he had to eat his own fucking leg to survive the winter
there’s no coming back from that
so when he sees some swans chilling out in the pond
he is like well
I really wanna go over to them
but they’ll kill me because i’m so ugly
but you know what
fuck it
better to be killed by them than spend an eternity in the hell that is my life
yo swans whats up
kill me
and the swans are like what?
no way dude you are totally a swan!
and the duckling looks at himself in the water and he’s like holy shit you’re right
and then a bunch of kids show up like OH SNAP ANOTHER SWAN IS HERE
LOOK AT HOW FUCKING PRETTY HE IS
PRETTIEST SWAN EVER
and from then on the swan’s life is great
despite severe psychological damage
because now he is pretty and no one can see his missing leg under the water

so the moral of the story
is to all you ugly people out there
you better hope to god you’re just a late bloomer
because otherwise you are going to simultaneously starve and freeze to death
while your friends are executed in front of you in a goddamn swamp

Thanks, Hans Christian Andersen.

She-Who-Lives-Alone is a pretty sad name for a little girl

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Okay short myth today
but don’t worry
it is heartwarming as FUCK

alright so there’s this chick named “She-Who-Lives-Alone”
no she is not some kind of rad lone wolf chick
with a belt full of shells and nothing to lose
who don’t need no man and bites the heads off snakes
no no no
she’s this little-ass orphan chick
who is part of a tribe of Comanche indians somewhere in texas
see there’s a drought and her parents starved to death
and as a result her name is actually officially changed to “She-Who-Lives-Alone”
that’s fucked up
that’s like if I got my dick chopped off in a car accident
and so everyone decided to change my name to “He-Who-Ain’t-Got-No-Dick”
great guys
way to rub it in
like every time you need me to pass the salt and you’re like
HEY HE-WHO-AIN’T-GOT-NO-DICK COULD YOU PASS ME SOME FUCKING SALT PLEASE
like THANK YOU SIR I KNOW I AIN’T GOT NO DICK
EVERYONE KNOWS I AIN’T GOT NO DICK
AT LEAST COME UP WITH A SHORTER NICKNAME FOR ME
LIKE DICKSY OR SOMETHING
THAT AT LEAST SOUNDS LIKE IT COULD BE A REAL NAME
FUCK
so yeah She-Who-Lives-Alone
fuck that

but anyway i mentioned there was a drought right?
yeah shit’s pretty fucked up
everyone is kind of worried that they are going to die
so worried in fact that a bunch of the elders go up to the top of a mountain
and they’re like OY
GREAT SPIRIT
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT
WE KNOW YOU ARE JUST SITTING ON A WHOLE WAREHOUSE OF FUCKING RAIN
HOW ABOUT LOOSENING THE PURSE STRINGS A LITTLE BIT
and the Great Spirit is like sure dudes no problem
yall just gotta each set fire to your most prized posession
no biggie right
and the elders are like BUT GREAT SPIRIT
WHY DO YOU WANT US TO DO THAT
WE HAVE ALREADY LOST LIKE A WHOLE BUNCH OF OUR FAMILY MEMBERS
THERE’S THIS ONE CHICK
WE HAD TO CHANGE HER NAME TO SHE-WHO-LIVES-ALONE
WE CALL HER ORPHANS MCGEE FOR SHORT
IT’S PRETTY SAD
WHY WOULD YOU ASK US TO SET FIRE TO A BUNCH OF OUR POSESSIONS ON TOP OF THAT?
and the great spirit is like oh man
this rain feels so good all over my divine radiance
and the elders are like OK POINT TAKEN
HEY EVERYONE WE MADE A FIRE
COME SET FIRE TO YOUR SHIT

so Orphans Mcgee is pretty conflicted over this
because on the one hand she wants there to be rain so that everybody doesn’t die
but on the other hand
she owns exactly one thing
and that is a doll her grandmother gave her
shortly before dying
just like everyone else in her family
and this doll is like top of the line
it’s got berry juice all over its face
and a bunch of blue feathers stapled to its head
it is a pretty sweet doll guys i’m not gonna lie
and Orphans Mcgee is lying in her tent thinking fuck
does the great spirit actually want this doll
like what the hell is he going to do with it
what do you need dolls for when you’re fucking omnipotent
but on the other hand
my spider sense tells me that the great spirit is a huge asshole
who just wants to see a bunch of shit catch on fire
I guess I’d better burn my only posession
otherwise we’re all gonna die

so she goes out to the fire in the middle of the night
and she’s like alright great spirit
you win
go fuck yourself
and she throws in her doll
and she hangs out by the fire all night
and when it dies down she throws some ashes in the air
and then she goes to bed

and when she wakes up in the morning THERE’S FLOWERS EVERYWHERE
MOTHERFUCKING BLUEBONNETS ALL OVER THE HILLS AND SHIT
and everyone is like OH SNAP THANK YOU GREAT SPIRIT
I MEAN WE ASKED FOR RAIN BUT THIS IS COOL TOO I GUESS
and then somehow they figure out that this is all because of Orphans Mcgee
I guess because the flowers are the same color as her doll’s feathers
and they’re like ALRIGHT GIRL
YOU GET A NEW NAME
YOUR NEW NAME IS SHE-WHO-DEARLY-LOVES-HER-PEOPLE
NO MATTER THAT THE REST OF US PROBABLY SACRIFICED PRETTY VALUABLE SHIT
BECAUSE WE’RE NOT TINY FUCKING ORPHANS WHO ONLY OWN ONE THING
NAW GIRL THIS ALL COMES DOWN TO YOU
and She-who-dearly-loves-her-people is like well that’s great
but can I get a shorter name that is possible to use in daily conversation
and everyone’s like NOPE
and the girl is like ok
and then i assume everyone dies of thirst
because none of the versions I read say ANYTHING ABOUT RAIN

so the moral of the story
is it doesn’t matter if you’re Greek or Christian or Comanche
everyone can come together in the common knowledge
that god is a dick

THE END.

Esther Must Be Really Good at Sex

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Alright so shakespeare time is over
FOR NOW
I did like doing it a lot it was just very labor intensive
you can count on more from that immortal bard in the future

what you get instead
is a myth that is dedicated to a chick named Esther “Gorilla Killa” Godzilla
she is having a birthday like RIGHT NOW
or at least at some point in the near future or past
and so I guess I should talk about someone really legit who shares her first name

but our story does not begin with Esther
our story actually begins with some guy
no big deal
just KING ACHASHVAIROSH
he’s king of basically everything it is possible to be king of
all the way from india to ethiopia
pretty respectable
too bad King Achasvairosh is in no way a respectable dude
see he’s having a party, right?
and his wife, Queen Vashti, is also having a party
King Achasvairosh’s party is what we might call a sausage party
and Queen Vashti’s would be more akin to a fish taco fiesta
so things get a little out of hand at the king’s party
as sausage parties tend to do
and the King is like GUYS
GUYS
WHO WANTS TO SEE MY WIFE NAKED?
and everyone is like YEAHHHHHHHHHH GET SOME TITS IN HERE
and the king is like OK I’LL CALL HER
so he calls up his wife like OY WIFE
GET IN HERE
you can wear a crown but you cannot wear ANYTHING ELSE
and the queen is like well uh
no
and the king is like WHAT
GUYS SHE SAID NO
WHAT DO I DO NOW
WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO NOW???
and his advisors are like dude chill out
just divorce her
get a sluttier wife
problem solved
and the king is like AWRIGHT
but i have a strict no fatties policy
so i gotta hire this eunuch named Hegei
GUARDIAN OF THE WOMEN
(which would be a pretty sweet gig
if he wasn’t
you know
a eunuch)
to gather virgins from ALLLL OVER THE PLACE
and pretty em up
and THEN i will decide who i want to make the sex with

so true to form, Hegei gathers an assload of hot chicks
and one of them is this broad named Esther
she is the cousin of this dude Mordecai
who is pretty cool but we will talk more about him later
right now what’s important is that Esther is a jew
and she gets her ass dragged out to the palace
and then they proceed to apply perfume to her
FOR A YEAR
what are they marinating her in perfume?
I guess they kinda have to since no one has figured out showers yet
everyone probably smells like a dogshit souffle

so after that year of intense cosmetics
Esther finally gets to meet the king
and the king is like OW
I JUST POPPED A BONER SO HARD IT CAME OFF
PLEASE GLUE IT BACK ON WITH YOUR MOUTH
and then they get married!
and also Mordecai gets promoted to one of the king’s ministers or something
i guess he’s a minister
he hangs out in front of the gate though so i dunno what kind of minister he is
minister of homelessness?

anyway at one point mordecai is just chilling by the gate
when he hears some guards all like MAN WE HATE THE KING SOOOOO MUCH
BETTER GO POISON HIM
and Mordecai is like uh hey king
you might want to look into these guards you hired
they are not very good guards
and the king is like RIGHT YOU ARE and has them killed and the day is saved
and then the king is like GREAT WORK MORDECAI
SOMEONE’S DUE FOR A PROMOTION
AND THAT SOMEONE IS…
HAMAN, DESTROYER OF JEWS
and Mordecai is like uh hey
why did you promote the destroyer of jews all of a sudden for no reason
and Haman is like WATCH AND LEARN JEWFACE
I SEE YOU DIDN’T BOW DOWN TO ME WHEN I GOT PROMOTED
WHAT IS THAT SOME RELIGIOUS THING?
and Mordecai is like uh yes actually
and Haman is like THAT SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD REASON TO KILL YOU
BUT I CAN’T JUSTIFY GETTING MY MURDERING IMPLEMENTS OUT IF I’M JUST KILLING ONE DUDE
NOPE
THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR
GENOCIDE!!!

so then Haman goes to the king and he’s like yo king
i’ll pay you ten thousand bucks if you let me kill all the jews
and the king is like keep the money whatever who gives a shit
oh god esther that feels so good don’t stop
so Haman puts the word out that in a couple weeks everyone is supposed to kill jews
EVERYWHERE
we’re talking about every scrap of land between India and Ethiopia
and apparently that whole stretch of nonsense is CRAWLING with jews
because Mordecai is FREAKING THE FUCK OUT ABOUT THIS
so he goes to Esther like hey
remember how I told you not to tell the king you were a jew?
and Esther is like ayup
and Mordecai is like now might be a good time to tell the king you’re a jew
and Esther is like don’t worry pops
I’ve got a plan in mind that will make this WAY more complicated than it needs to be

so Esther goes to the king and the king’s like ESTHER
JUST THE TITS I WANTED TO SEE
WHAT’S SHAKIN’, SUGARGUNS
and Esther’s like hey king can i ask a favor
and the king is like ANYTHING YOU WANT MY LITTLE SEX WAFFLE
and Esther is like ok I want you to come have dinner with me tonight
and bring Haman
that’s what I want
and the king is like DON’T MIND IF I DO

so they have dinner that night
and Esther is very pleasant
and the king is like ALRIGHT ESTHER SERIOUSLY
ANYTHING YOU WANT
WHAT DO YOU WANT
(please say more freaky shit in bed
oh god please come on more freaky shit in bed)
and Esther is like all I want
is for you to come to another dinner party I’m throwing tomorrow night
you too, Haman
and the king and Haman are both like well ok
cya tomorrow

so Haman is feeling pretty good about himself for getting invited to dinner
but on the way out through the gate he sees Mordecai
and Mordecai pisses him off SOOOO MUCH just by existing
that he can’t sleep until he builds a huge-ass gallows to hang him on
and then he goes back to the castle to get the king to have Mordecai hung
but that is a stupid plan
wanna know why?
because during a bout of insomnia that night
the king decides to go through the old court records
and remembers how back in the day Mordecai totally kept him from being poisoned
and the king is like hot damn what kind of reward did Mordecai get for that?
and his advisors are like uh
nothing
you were too busy promoting Haman, the destroyer of jews
and just then Haman shows up about to be like HEY DUDE LET’S HANG MORDECAI
and the king is like hey Haman
I need some advice
if I really wanted to honor the shit out of someone, what should I do?
and Haman, who cannot imagine anyone getting honored besides himself
is like WELL I’D GIVE HIM A TON OF FANCY CLOTHES
AND A SWEET HORSE
AND HAVE SOME NOBLE LEAD HIM THROUGH TOWN SAYING “THIS GUY IS SO GREAT”
and the king is like oh man I love the way you think
go do that to Mordecai
and Haman is like MORDECAIIIIII
(next time you get really frustrated
I suggest looking up at the sky and bellowing MORDECAIIIIII
it really helps)

so but then the next day Haman and the king show up to dinner at Esther’s place again
and the king is like OK SERIOUSLY HONEY
I KNOW YOU DON’T JUST WANT DINNER
WHAT ELSE CAN I DO FOR YOU?
DOES IT PERCHANCE INVOLVE BEING
SHALL I SAY
FREAKY IN BED?
and Esther is like well no
it has to do with i’m a jew and you should kill Haman and reverse his decree
and the king is like whoa shit Haman made a decree?
fuck yeah reverse that shit
chop his goddamn head off who gives a shit
oh god that feels so good esther don’t stop
and Haman is like how are you executing me and getting a blowjob SIMULTANEOUSLY
and the king is like I DUNNO BUT I SHOULD TOTES DO IT MORE OFTEN

so yeah Haman gets hung on the gallows he built for Mordecai
and Mordecai takes his house
and then they send out a letter to all the jews everywhere
telling them to murder the fuck out of the guys who Haman sent to murder them
so they do
they kill like 75 thousand people
including all ten of Haman’s sons
and then everyone is fucking terrified of the jews
and NO ONE EVER FUCKS WITH THEM AGAIN
NEVER EVER
oh and also that shit gets celebrated every year now
that’s what that Purim shit is all about

so the moral of the story
is if you want to save your people from extinction
find a king and start passing out blowjobs
the future is in your hands
(and mouth
and maybe on your face a little)

the end.

The Taming of the Shrew is Just the Right Amount of Ludicrously Sexist

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so a guy walks out of a bar, right?

he’s threatening the management, and the management is threatening him
he broke a bunch of glasses and is refusing to pay
then he vomits and falls down
OFF TO A GOOD START SHAKESPEARE

so the owner of the bar goes to get the cops
and meanwhile some rich dude shows up after a long day of murdering animals
and he’s like oh man a drunk dude
fuck guys let’s prank the shit out of him
and everyone is like YESSSSSSSSSSSSS
and the lord is like ok here’s what we’re gonna do
we’re gonna kidnap him
and we’re gonna dress him up real nice
and we’re gonna give him a bunch of servants
and a whole ton of really delicious food
and we are going to tell him he has just been hallucinating being homeless
for like SEVEN YEARS
and he was actually mega rich all along
and everyone is like wow
that’s not so much a prank as the plot for a reality show
but you’re the boss
let’s do this

so they do this
and the dude
whose name is Sly by the way
wakes up and starts demanding booze
and they’re like YES HAVE SOME EXPENSIVE LIQUORS
and he’s like FUCK THAT I WANT REAL PEOPLE BOOZE
and they’re like BUT YOU’RE NOT REAL PEOPLE YOU’RE ROYALTY
and he’s like FUCK ROYALTY I WANNA GET TRASHED
and they’re like you have a hot wife
and he’s like ROYALTY ALL THE WAY BABY
BRING IN THE TITS BRIGADE
so they let in his wife
who is actually just some pageboy in disguise
and the pageboy comes in and Sly is like HEY BABY I HOPE YOU WORE YOUR SEXIN’ CLOTHES
BY WHICH I MEAN NO CLOTHES AT ALL I GUESS
and the pageboy is like uh well
the doctor said we can’t bone for like a couple days
and in the meanwhile we have some people who have come here to perform a play!
isn’t that great?!
and Sly is like yeah ok i guess

so then the rest of the play is the play the actors put on for Sly
SERIOUSLY
like i already told you about hamlet
where instead of killing his uncle like a real man
hamlet puts on a play about killing his uncle
and I told you about Midsummer night’s dream
where a good third of the play is spent watching some idiots rehearse a fucking play
but this right here is the king shit of frame narrative mountain
the play within this play is SO DISTENDED
IT HAS TAKEN OVER THE ENTIRE PLAY
THINK YOU’RE EVER GONNA FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS TO SLY?
NOPE
SORRY ASSHOLES
SHAKESPEARE DECIDED TWO SCENES IN THAT HE IS WRITING A DIFFERENT PLAY NOW
AND YOU’RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO GO ALONG WITH IT

so this play is called the taming of the shrew all of a sudden
and it starts with two dudes showing up in Mantua
which is in italy
which shakespeare is for some reason fascinated with
and these dudes are called Tranio and Lucentio
they get to come on stage first
because they are pretty much the only people in the play who don’t suck
so they’re shooting the shit and whatever
when all of a sudden here comes like a million more people
there’s Bianca
who is super hot and pretty much totally great in every way
Katherina
who is such a huge bitch that it’s a plot point
Baptista
who is their father and also kind of a huge idiot
and Hortensio and Gremio who both want to bang the shit out of Bianca
understandably

so Hortensio and Gremio are both busy trying to convince Baptista to give them Bianca
and Baptista is all like NAH BROS
NOT GONNA MARRY OFF BIANCA UNTIL SOMEONE MARRIES HER UNMARRIABLE OLDER SISTER
KATHERINA, QUEEN OF THE BITCH NAVY
and Hortensio and Gremio are all like fuck man
seriously?
why would you do that
are you trying to get one of us to agree to be a wingman
and like take one for the team?
because fuck that
we both like our nuts a whole lot
and having them attached to our bodies is a high priority
so no sir
we are not going to man up
and put our dicks at the mercy of your castrating ice priestess
and Baptista is like well shit
looks like no one is happy
and Katherina is like DAMN RIGHT NO ONE’S HAPPY
YARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
and Baptista is like well in the meantime
I am hiring a ton of really great tutors for my daughters
because i am assuming they are going to be single for a very long time
so if you know any tutors you should def hit me up
and then he and his daughters leave
and Gremio and Hortensio are all like fuuuuuuck
who the fuck is gonna marry that twank and open the floodgates to hot chick central
welp
better go find some idiot to do it for us
so then THEY leave

so Lucentio and Tranio have watched this whole thing take place
and Lucentio turns to Tranio and he’s like dude
dude
I totally want to bang Bianca
can you help me with this?
and Tranio is like no doubt bro
that is what bros are for and I am the most broful bro that ever bro’d a bro like you
bro
so here’s what we’re gonna do
we’re gonna disguise you as a super legit tutor
and get Baptista to hire you
and then you can bang the shit out of Bianca no problem
eh? eh?
and Lucentio is like okay I like the way you think man
but who is going to pretend to be me while I’m pretending to be a tutor?
that is super important for some reason
and Tranio is like DUH BRO
I AM GOING TO PRETEND TO BE YOU
and I am gonna get baptista to agree to marry Bianca to me
but it’s cool because I’m gonna be pretending to be you
so really he will be agreeing to marry Bianca to YOU
and you’re gonna be banging her already so it’s not like she’s gonna say no
and Lucentio is like fuck that’s brilliant
quick
exchange clothes with me
and then Lucentio’s servant shows up and gives them shit about it
but that’s okay
that guy’s only job in the play is to piss everyone off
literally everyone
ALL THE TIME

so meanwhile Katherina and Bianca are yelling at each other
Bianca is like SIS I AM TRYING TO GET LAID HERE
AND YOUR ARCTIC-ASS LOINS ARE A SERIOUS IMPEDIMENT TO THIS
and Katherina is like MAN I AM SO FUCKING FED UP WITH YOUR BULLSHIT
WHY IS IT THAT EVERYTHING WITH A COCK AND BALLS
INSTANTLY MAGNETIZES TOWARDS YOUR LEAKY MEATPOUCH
and Bianca is like WELL MAYBE IF YOU WEREN’T THE ARCHFIEND OF BITCH ISLAND
YOU MIGHT GET SOME MANLOVE AS WELL
and Katherina is like HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THAT MAYBE I AM ONLY LIKE THIS
BECAUSE NO ONE WANTS TO BANG ME?
which brings us back to the age old question
which came first
the chicken or the HUUUUGE BITCH

so meanwhile Hortensio hits up his critically insane pal Petruchio
who shows up at Hortensio’s door beating the shit out of his own servant
over a fucking syntactical error
and Hortensio is like yo bro
I called you here because I know you will fuck anything with money
and i found a chick with SO MUCH MONEY who no one else will fuck
and Petruchio is like SIGN ME UP I DON’T EVEN GIVE A FUCK
and Hortensio is like man also
I really want to bang Baptista’s other daughter Bianca
so when you go to try and hook up with Katherina
I am going to disguise myself as a music teacher
and then I want you to present me to Baptista
and he will present me to Bianca
and I will present Bianca WITH MY PENIS
and Petruchio is like GENIUS
and then Gremio shows up like wassup guys
I sure hope everyone is trying to win Bianca’s hand honestly like I am
look I brought a scholar who I am going to give to Baptista
as a kind of a bribe to get Bianca to bang me
BUT PLOT TWIST GUYS
THE SCHOLAR HE HAS IS ACTUALLY LUCENTIO
WHAAAAAT

so yeah then everyone shows up and gives completely unqualified teachers to Baptista
and Baptista accepts them totally unquestioningly
and also some books from Tranio
who remember
is pretending to be Lucentio
and is asking for Bianca’s hand in marriage
even though NEITHER HE NOR THE REAL LUCENTIO HAVE EVER ACTUALLY MET HER
YEP GUYS SHE MUST HAVE SOME GRAPPLING HOOKS FOR TITS
BECAUSE IT DOESN’T TAKE MUCH TO MAKE DUDES TRY AND GET UP ONS

but then Katherina shows up
and everyone’s like oh shit here comes the bitchstorm and they leave
except for Petruchio who’s like AWRIGHT LESS DO DIS
and then he and Katherina prepare to have the most EPIC RAP BATTLE OF ALL TIME
it’s so epic you really had to be there
the closest I can come to rendering it in its original form is:
KATE: YOU’RE A STOOL
PETRUCHIO: SIT ON MY FACE
KATE: I’M TOO FAT
PETRUCHIO: YOU’RE A BEE! BUZZZZZ.
KATE: YOU’RE A BUZZ. A BUZZ-ARD! ZING!
PETRUCHIO: TURTLE!
KATE: MORE BEES!
PETRUCHIO: LET’S MAKE OUT!
and then Kate smacks him

so obviously Petruchio decides that they need to get married on Sunday
and everyone comes back into the room because the screaming has died down
and Petruchio’s like GUESS WHAT GUYS
WE’RE GETTING MARRIED ON SUNDAY!
and Kate is like what the fuck
no
and Petruchio is like aw honey don’t be coy
you were totally into it when we were alone just a moment ago
and Kate is like NO NO WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
THIS IS LIKE ONE OF THOSE NIGHTMARES WHERE NO ONE LISTENS TO YOU
AND THEN YOU’RE NAKED AND SOMEONE HAS NAILED YOU TO A CUCUMBER
and Petruchio is like that’s my Katherina alright
and for some reason no one sees any problem with this
and Petruchio goes off to get some clothes for the wedding
and Kate freaks the fuck out and goes to her room
and then Gremio is like hey Baptista
can I marry your daughter?
I’ve kinda been trying real hard for a long time
and it seems like it might finally work out
and Tranio is like hey Baptista
I’ll pay you twice as much for your daughter as whatever Gremio pays
and Baptista is like SOLD
and Gremio is like aww

but so anyway then the real Lucentio is EXACTLY where he wants to be
but the problem is
so is Hortensio
although Hortensio manages to begin his tenure as music professor
by getting a guitar broken over his head by Katherina
so okay she’s kind of a huge bitch but she is also a born rockstar
but then immediately after that Hortensio and Lucentio
(Lucentio’s codename is Cambio by the way)
are bitching each other out over who gets to tutor Bianca first
and bianca’s all GUYS
GUYS
I’M A GROWN-ASS WOMAN
I CAN PICK MY TUTORS MYSELF
so cambio gets to teach me greek right now
while the music teacher guy tunes his instrument
and Lucentio’s like YESSSSS

so Hortensio goes to tune his violin or whatever it is
and Lucentio and Bianca go over to the other side of the stage
and Lucentio starts translating latin to her
only he’s not translating latin
he’s just saying latin
and then saying whatever the fuck he wants afterwards
all like LOREM IPSUM DOLOR SIT AMET
I AM LUCENTIO AND CAN WE BANG YET?
and Hortensio’s all HEY I’M DONE TUNING
and Bianca’s like YOU STILL SOUND LIKE SHIT
TUNE THAT SHIT SOME MORE
and then she’s like LOREM IPSUM DOLOR SIT AMET
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU WE’VE NEVER EVEN MET
and Lucentio is like oh man i’ll change that around real soon
and Hortensio is like SERIOUSLY I’M DONE TUNING
and then he starts giving Bianca a lesson
and tries the SAME BULLSHIT BUT WITH MUSIC
and Bianca is having none of it
although I imagine this whole thing is another HUUUUGE boost to her ego
basically the upshot of it is no one gets laid
and Hortensio and Lucentio both suspect each other
of doing EXACTLY WHAT THEY’RE DOING
so that’s cool

NOW IT IS SUNDAY ALL OF A SUDDEN
everyone is waiting for Petruchio to show up
but he’s not there
and then his shitty servant shows up like oy
Petruchio is on his way
but uh
you’re not gonna like it
he’s kind of dressed like a trashbag covered in vomit and poverty
and Baptista is like WHAT THE FUCK NO WAY
and then here comes Petruchio
looking like he drove a bargain dumptruck through the ugly store
then ran himself over with the truck
and everyone is like DUDE PLEASE BORROW MY CLOTHES
DON’T GET MARRIED LOOKING LIKE THIS
PLEASE DUDE BE REASONABLE
and Petruchio is like REASONABLE?
HAVE I EVER
EVER
DONE ANYTHING TO SUGGEST THAT I AM A REASONABLE PERSON?
COME ON TOOTS LET’S GET MARRIED
and then he marries Katherina
who is understandably upset about everything that is happening
and then immediately after the wedding Petruchio is like OK WELL THAT WAS NICE
NOW WE ARE LEAVING
SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR FAMILY KATHERINA OH TOO LATE HERE WE GO
and Katherina is like hey whoa fuck no
we’re staying
and Petruchio is like hm
NOPE
and then he just kind of drags her away with him
and thus begins an all-out campaign of intense psychological warfare
conducted by Petruchio on his new wife
like on the way back to his place
he knocks over Kate’s horse
then beats his servant for letting it fall over
allowing the horse to remain on his wife
then they walk home through the snow and Petruchio immediately starts screaming
at EVERYTHING
screaming and hitting people and flinging food everywhere
he is just such a perfect bastard
that there is literally no time left over for Katherina to be a bitch
plus Petruchio is starving her and depriving her of sleep
literally
he is doing things that are specifically banned in the geneva convention
pretty sure
he straight WILL NOT GIVE HER MEAT
and he sits up every night
so that whenever she falls asleep he can just start SCREAMING UNTIL SHE WAKES UP
THIS IS STRAIGHT HORRIFIC TORTURE
THIS IS NOT A COMEDY ANYMORE THIS IS FUCKING TERRIFYING

Meanwhile back in Mantua
Hortensio has gone to Tranio
(who he still thinks is Lucentio)
to tattle on the real Lucentio for being all over Bianca
so they go and spy on Lucentio
and he’s totally laying the charm on as thick as extra chunky peanut butter
the peanut butter of LOVE
and Hortensio is like look at that
look at all that love butter
that’s disgusting
I can’t believe I was ever into that chick
Dude Lucentio
let’s make a deal
I will promise to never bang Bianca
if you make me the same promise
and Tranio is like YOU GOT YOURSELF A DEAL
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
by the way I keep really wanting to write Tranio’s name as Traino
but anyway then Hortensio goes off to try and marry some rich widow
and Lucentio’s servant shows up like HEY
I GOT A GUY WHO CAN FRAUDULENTLY IMPERSONATE YOUR DAD
I DON’T REMEMBER WHY WE NEED THAT BUT I GOT IT
and Traino is like SWEET
TIME TO DO MORE SHIFTY BULLSHIT
and he goes and convinces this old dude to pretend to be Lucentio’s dad Vincentio

meanwhile Katherina is trying really hard to get some food
she is starving to death and the sleep deprivation doesn’t help either
god this is just an orgy of horror
let’s talk about something else

so Baptista shows up to Lucentio’s house
and Tranio is there with the old dude pretending to be his dad
all like YEAH TOTALLY LUCENTIO CAN DEF MARRY BIANCA
FINE BY ME
and Baptista
who you may have noticed
is INSANELY GULLIBLE
is like sweet let’s do it tomorrow
seriously you could make a shit sandwich
just bread and shit
and you could give it to Baptista and be like hey Baptista
I made you a sandwich
I can vouch for this sandwich
you should put it in your mouth
and he’d be like YES SIR IMMEDIATELY WHAT COULD GO WRONG

okay now we HAVE to cut back to Kate and Petruchio
there’s plot stuff going on
because now they’re headed back to Mantua
along with Hortensio
(who is hoping Petruchio will teach him to brutally dominate HIS new wife)
and they’re riding along and Petructio is like BOY
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL FULL MOON WE GOT GOING ON TONIGHT
and Kate is like dude what the fuck it’s like 10AM
and Petruchio is like WRONG BITCH
WRONG
WHAT TIME IS IT
and Kate is like 10AM
and Petruchio is like WRONG AGAIN
GUESS WHAT TITS MCGEE
WE ARE NOT GOING A STEP CLOSER TO YOUR HOME AND FAMILY UNTIL YOU AGREE IT’S NIGHT
and Kate is like ok fine it’s 10PM
and Petructio is like BZZZZT
WRONGGGG
IT’S 10AM TWANKSHANKS ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND
and Kate is like FUCK FINE WHATEVER
WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY
I WILL SAY WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT I DON’T EVEN CARE ANYMORE
I HAVEN’T SLEPT IN WEEKS AND I THINK I AM DEAD
and Petruchio is like NOW WE’RE TALKIN’
and then they run into the actual Vincentio on the way to mantua
which just adds another wrinkle to the venerable penis that is this fucking plot

so then they all arrive in Mantua
and Lucentio has just run off to go get secretly married to Bianca
or like
sort of secretly married
I mean it was Lucentio who Baptista agreed to let marry his daughter
and now it is Lucentio who has snuck over to the church in the middle of the night
where the priest is waiting for him
and some witnesses also
and marrying Bianca
honestly I don’t know why the whole thing with the fake dad and Traino was necessary
probably just for laughs
but anyway while Lucentio is getting married Petruchio and Kate
and Hortensio and the REAL Vincentio
all show up to Lucentio’s house
and they’re like OY
WHERE LUCENTIO AT
and the old dude pretending to be Vincentio sticks his head out the window like
SHUT THE FUCK UP GO AWAY
and Vincentio is like BUT I’M HIS DAD
and the old dude is like NO ME
and then Traino shows up like oh shit we’re fucked
better continue the charade for as long as possible
so he starts yelling at Vincentio like YO OLD MAN STOP PRETENDING TO BE MY DAD
and Vincentio is like TRANIO YOU AREN’T EVEN MY SON WHAT ARE YOU DOING
so Tranio calls the cops and has Vincentio arrested
and then Lucentio shows up with Baptista and Bianca like dudes chill out
I married Bianca everything is fine
let me explain the thick syrup of lies I have been feeding everyone for weeks
and Baptista and Vincentio are like well shit
I guess that works out
still gonna beat the shit out of Triano though

so but then everyone has dinner together and parties it up hard
even the widow Hortensio married shows up
she’s a huge bitch to him and he has no idea what to do about it
and then she gets into a fight with Katherina and they almost murder each other
and all the dudes are like CAT FIGHT CAT FIGHT YESSSS
but then Bianca steps in and gets them to calm down and leave the room to talk it out
and then she leaves too
and then all the dudes start giving Petruchio shit for marrying the ultrabitch
and Petruchio is like orly?
I bet I’ve brainwashed and abused her to the point where she is a good wife
and everyone is like OH YEAH?
WANNA BET?
and Petruchio is like sure
let’s all send messengers to get our wives
and whichever one comes quickest, her husband gets 200 bucks
and Lucentio and Hortensio are like AWW YISS
so Lucentio sends a message for Bianca
and the messenger comes back like SHE’S BUSY
and then Hortensio sends a messenger for the widow
and the messenger is all SHE SAYS YOU SHOULD COME TO HER
and then Petruchio sends his message
and INSTANTLY Kate is in the room like yes sir what do you want sir don’t starve me
and Petruchio is like FETCH THE OTHER WIVES
so she gets them
and then she delivers a lecture on the importance of obedient wives
and all the men give Petruchio a round of applause
while he insults his wife’s hat
ANOTHER VICTORY FOR FEMINISM

so the moral of the story
is if you’ve been striking out with the ladies a lot recently
maybe it’s because you’re not using enough deceit and torture

the end.