Jeeze what is it with these myths and pitching me all these fucking softballs

it’s like I’m in a tee ball game
and the umpire comes waddling over to home plate
setting up softball after softball
for me to meteor kick into outerspace
where they explode into sick burns
incapacitating satellites and drawing dicks on the moon
first a whole story about talking sausage and now this asshole?
(thank you for your recommendation by the way Klent “Reaper” Bodangerous)

okay so this guy is named Ole Lukoie
you may know him as the sand man
except no
no that’s not what he is
because does the sandman roll into your room at ten PM
and start flicking sweet milk into your eyes?
no
you know who does that?
rapists
yeah this magic sleep juice cements the children’s eyes shut
so they can’t see him
i guess he doesn’t like to be seen
but it doesn’t stop there
because then Ole McCreepsauce comes up behind them
and BREATHES ON THE BACKS OF THEIR NECKS UNTIL THEIR HEADS GET HEAVY
honey did you check on little timmy?
oh yes dear
he’s fine
there’s just some guy crouching behind him
you know
breathing on his neck
BUT GUYS IT’S OKAY IT’S FINE
because
AND I QUOTE
“Ole loves children
he just wants them to be quiet.”
YOUR HONOR I SWEAR I JUST WANTED THE CHILDREN TO BE QUIET
SO WHAT IF I DECIDED TO ACHIEVE THAT BY FLINGING MILK IN THEIR EYES
AND THEN SENSUALLY BREATHING ON THEIR NECKS
THAT’S NOT A CRIME
actually I feel like it might be a crime
i feel like it is at least crime-esque

but anyway
why does Ole want the children to be quiet?
well to molest them
OBVIOUSLY
but also to tell them stories
better known as dreams
although actually he doesn’t so much tell the stories
as paint them on umbrellas and open those over children’s heads
wait isn’t it bad luck to open an umbrella inside?
well i guess he figures he’s going to jail anyway
but yeah he has 2 umbrellas
1 is full of beautiful pictures
those are dreams for good little children
and the other one has nothing in it at all
he opens that one over shitty kids and they sleep poorly and have no dreams
wait fuck that
that’s lame
errata: the second umbrella is full of nightmares
so but this particular story has to do with how Ole once stalked this one kid
named Hjalmar
for a whole fucking week
and gave him the craziest dreams every night
i feel like it would be cool to start with the tuesday dream
because it’s tuesday
but the tuesday dream is fucking boring so let’s do the monday one instead

okay so basically Hjalmar’s room turns into a bunch of trees
but then his desk starts FREAKING OUT
because there’s a writing tablet in there and it’s like AAAAAA
THERE’S SOME MATH ON ME AND IT’S WRONG
WRONG MATH WRONG MATH
and there’s a pencil all trying to fix the math but it’s too fucked up
there’s nothing that pencil can do
and then there’s a notebook in there too
and IT’S freaking out too
like AAA AAA AAA THE LETTERS INSIDE OF ME ARE SO SLOPPY
WHY ARE YOU SO SLOPPY YOU SLOPPY LETTERS
and the letters are like DUDE WE ARE TRYING AS HARD AS WE CAN
BUT WE SUCK SO BAD WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO
yeah that’s right
Hjalmar is such a worthless student
he actually causes PHYSICAL TORMENT to his school supplies
so Ole walks over to the letters like dudes
just straighten the fuck up
and the letters are like CAN’T
TOO WEAK
and Ole is like ok well then i guess you have to take medicine
i’ve got tons of medicine
and the letters are like AW SHIT NO WE’LL BE STRAIGHT WE PROMISE
and then they straighten up
and Ole spends the rest of the night making them run around the room
to make them strong so they stop sucking
and then Hjalmar wakes up in the morning but the letters are still miserable

so the moral of the story
is dumb kids have the best dreams
so i guess if you want to have the best dreams
you should hit yourself with a brick?

THE END.

(Hey you guys should check out this guy
he is like my soulmate but with philosophy)

But wow okay I just dug up some serious shit

so there’s this peasant and his wife right
and one day some rich bastard shows up at their house
like OH HO HO HELLO PEASANTS
LET ME DINE ON YOUR SIMPLE PEASANT FARE
I AM FEELING CONDESCENDING TODAY
and then while the peasant woman is preparing some potato dumplings
(which are really tasty by the way)
the rich dude and the husband go into the backyard to fuck around with trees
and the trees become a metaphor for how the rich dude is actually the peasants’ son
who was a huge asshole and ran away years ago
so that’s pretty surprising and everything

see it turns out that after the peasants’ piece of shit son ran away
he became mega rich
by STEALING
and he is actually pretty proud of this fact
in fact he’s strutting all the fuck over all these metaphor trees
like HEY GUYS LOOK AT ME
I AM THE MASTER THIEF
AINT NO THIEVES BETTER THAN ME NO SIR
and his dad is like yeah well
i mean you’re still a criminal
and then they go tell his mom and his mom is like well
that’s pretty disappointing
i mean like couldn’t you have been a doctor or something?
and the son is like NOPE
THIEF ALL THE WAY
and his mom is like well i guess whatever you do is okay with me
but if the local count finds out you’re the king of all thieves or whatever
he is going to get pretty mad and probably murder you
and this pompous ass is all like WE’LL SEE ABOUT THAT
YOU KNOW HOW WE’RE GONNA SEE ABOUT THAT?
I AM GOING TO GO HIT UP THE COUNT’S CRIB TONIGHT AND I AM GOING TO TELL HIM WHATS UP
THEN WE’LL SEE WHO MURDERS WHO
ANSWER:
NO ONE
NO ONE IS GOING TO MURDER ANYONE
and his dad is like man for a master thief you sure yell a whole lot

so it gets to be evening
and the master thief decides it is time to go do needlessly dangerous things
so he shows up at the count’s place like yo
remember me?
I used to be your godson or whatever
guess what I am now
A FUCKING THIEF
THAT’S WHAT I AM
and the count is like oh shit
well i guess I better execute you then?
and the thief is like wait no
how about instead I prove to you how great i am at thieving
by stealing a bunch of shit from you
and the count is like tell me more
and the thief is like seriously dude
pick any three things you want me to steal
i will steal them no problem
harder the better
I get off on this shit
and the count is like hm ok
so challenge 1:
you gotta steal my favorite horse out of my stable
challenge 2:
you gotta steal my bedsheet out from under me AND the ring off my wife’s finger
and the thief is like well technically that is two things but i’ll let it slide
and the count is like okay
so then challenge 3:
steal the priest and the sextant out of the church
and the thief is like well i mean i’m the world’s greatest thief
that is more like kidnapping though
and the count is like SHUT UP YOU SAID I COULD PICK ANYTHING
and the thief is like alright whatever dude
gonna go make you look like an idiot now
peace

so he goes to his secret thief hidey hole
and he disguises himself as an old woman
and then he buys a huge keg of really legit wine
and he mixes it with some sleeping potion he just has lying around
and then he rolls up to the palace that night with the wine on his back
and he walks right up to the soldiers guarding the gate and he’s like hey guys
can i sit by your fire
and they’re like sure
what’s in your keg
and the thief is like oh nothing
just some REALLY LEGIT WINE
I’m selling it
do you want to buy some?
and the soldiers are like fuck yeah let’s get trashed
and they just start huffin’ and puffin’ up alcohol mountain
and meanwhile the thief just works his way further and further into the palace
playing the role of roving booze-merchant with like ALL THE SOLDIERS
until he gets to the stable
where there are three soldiers
one who is holding the bridle
one who is holding the neck or something
and one who is sitting on the fucking saddle
guys i think these soldiers were pretty drunk already
because here they are
it’s like 11PM
they’re hanging out in the stable
sitting on their boss’s favorite horse
probably dragging it around in a circle making train noises
but anyway the thief doesn’t have to try very hard to get them to drink the booze
and then they pass out
but he’s still got a problem
which is how is he going to get the horse away from them?
well he puts a rope in the hand of the guy who was holding the bridle
and he puts a bundle of hay under the arms of the guy who was holding the horse
and then he’s just left with the saddle guy
so what does he do?
okay pay close attention
he finds four ropes
he loops them through metal rings attached to the walls
he ties those ropes to the corners of the saddle
he then uses the ropes to SUSPEND THE SLEEPING SOLDIER IN THE CENTER OF THE ROOM
WHILE HE YANKS THE HORSE OUT FROM UNDER THE SADDLE
THAT IS SO LEGIT
TELL ME THAT IS NOT LEGIT
and then he wraps the horse’s hooves in rags so it doesn’t make any noise
but that’s not as hilarious to imagine so whatever

so yeah the next day he shows up with the horse like WHATS UP COUNT
and the count is like ONE
ONE CHALLENGE COMPLETE
AH AH AH
but you’ve still gotta do two more
and if you fuck up on either of those
I swear to god i will fucking kill you
and the thief is like ok fair enough

so that night he’s gotta steal the bedsheets right
but the count is not gonna make this easy for him
he decides to stay awake ALL NIGHT
waiting for the thief to come in through the window
and as soon as he sees him
he’s gonna shoot him
WITH A GUN
HOLY SHIT THIS IS A FAIRYTALE WHERE DID THEY GET GUNS?
and also his wife makes a really tight fist around her ring when she goes to sleep
but don’t worry guys
master thief has it covered
what he does is he goes over to the gallows
and he steals him a dead body
then he puts a ladder up against the count’s window
perches the dead body on his shoulders
and starts climbing the ladder
when he gets high enough that the dead body is in the window
BAM
the count shoots that dead asshole right in the head
totally desecrating his corpse
it’s okay though
that corpse was probably the corpse of a horrible criminal or something
like maybe a THIEF
but so when the dead body falls off his shoulders
the master thief jumps off the ladder and hides in some bushes
and the count comes to look out the window
sees the dead body
and then promptly goes to bury it
for what reason I am not sure
but anyway then the thief runs up the ladder into the Count’s room again
and he goes over to the count’s wife and he’s like hey this is your husband speaking
i just killed that thief guy
lemme use the bedsheet to bury him in
it will prevent a scandal somehow
also i am feeling generous
how about we bury him with your ring
after all I shot him in the head while he was trying to get it
might as well give it to him now that he’s dead
and the count’s wife is like HONEY YOU KNOW WHY I LOVE YOU?
IT IS BECAUSE OF ALL THE GREAT LOGIC YOU USE
and she gives him the sheet and the ring
and then he probably persuades her to have sex with him
and then he leaves
and then the real count comes back and he’s like hey honey
just finished burying the body
and the wife is like nothing is wrong at all i am going to go to sleep

so obviously everybody is pretty confused the next morning
when the ultimate thief shows up with the ring and the bedsheet
and surprisingly few bullet holes in his face
the count is seriously like HOLY SHITBALLS
ARE YOU A WIZARD?
well fuck I guess you get to try the third challenge now
at least for the third challenge you won’t be stealing anything that belongs to me
just some people who live around here
also we’ve now entirely moved away from things that are valuable to steal
into the wonderful world of random pointless crime
feeling pretty good about this
and the thief is like me too, godfather
time to fuck up some priests

so what the thief does at this point
is he shows up at the chapel with two bags
one bag is full of candles
the other bag is full of crabs
yep
big ol’ sack full of crabs
where did he get a bag full of crabs you ask?
duh
he stole them
he’s the ultimate thief
weren’t you listening
probably there is a seaworld nearby the castle that is very confused now
but so he walks into the chapel graveyard
with his sack full of candles and his sack full of crabs
sorry I can’t get over this sack full of crabs thing
so much fun to type
plus
it’s a sack full of fucking crabs
have you ever actually had a sack full of crabs
just a whole bag of crabs to do whatever you want with?
oh man i’d be like a kid in a candy shop
if all the candy was crabs
and it was in a burlap sack
so really i’d be more like a kid with a burlap sack full of crabs
BUT ANYWAY I’M TELLING A STORY HERE
so he takes all the crabs
and he melts the candles to their backs
and then he lights the candles and sets all the crabs free in the graveyard
and then he puts on a robe
and goes into the chapel
and starts ringing the bell and yelling HEY
HEY EVERYBODY
IT’S THE END OF THE FUCKING WORLD
THE DEAD ARE CRAWLING AROUND IN THE GRAVEYARD COLLECTING THEIR BONES
THE DEAD HAVE CHOSEN TO REPRESENT THEMSELVES AS CRABS WITH CANDLES ON THEM
DO NOT QUESTION THE DEAD
THE ONLY WAY INTO HEAVEN IS TO CLIMB INTO MY SACK
EVERYBODY CLIMB INTO MY SACK QUICK

so the priest and the sextant live really close to the church obviously
and because of that
they hear this nonsense first
but instead of rolling over and going back to sleep
they both wake up like OH SHIT THE END OF THE WORLD?
BETTER GO CHECK IT OUT
so they show up at the church
and they see all these lights moving around
and they go into the church and they’re like hm
seems like a pretty easy way to get to heaven
let’s crawl into this bag
so they do
and they’re like hm why does this bag smell like a bag full of crabs
and that is basically the extent of that brilliant plan
accomplished with some candles, a robe, and a bag of crabs
seriously this guy is like the macguyver of putting stupid people in bags

so then he proceeds to drag this lumpy bag of morons down the chapel steps
all like WE’RE CLIMBING THE STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN
and then he drags them outside through the crab infested graveyard
and through some puddles
all like THOSE ARE TOTALLY CLOUDS
and then finally he stuffs them in one of those dovecote things
which someone told me are basically just closets full of doves
and he’s like DO YOU HEAR THAT
THAT IS ALL THE ANGELS
I AM GOING TO GO AHEAD AND LOCK YOU IN HERE NOW
AND NOT OPEN THE BAG OR ANYTHING
THANK YOU FOR YOUR COOPERATION

so the next morning the thief shows up at the count’s place
and he’s like yo
you should check your closet full of doves
there are religious personages in there
and the count is like boy
how did I get to a point in my life where that sentence makes sense
well I guess you’re some kind of wizard
i’m guessing I probably wouldn’t be able to kill you if I tried
so go ahead and leave my territory or I’ll kill you
and the thief is like ok sounds fair
I’m totally the best though right?
and the count is like yes
you are the best
and the thief is like sweet
and then he leaves
and he never sees his family again
but that’s okay because they’re not very proud of him anyway

so the moral of the story is
i don’t care how good of a thief you are
you have nothing to gain by personally introducing yourself to law enforcement
what did you think they were going to give you a prize or something?

THE END.

Hey so there’s this chick who had a birthday right?
technically it was yesterday
especially in sweden where she lives
but i have not gone to sleep from her birthday day yet
so i guess that means I was partying so hard
that i arrived fashionably late
to her birthday party
in the WRONG COUNTRY
so yeah happy birthday, Titballista Bjonkersstein
here’s a story about dwarves
there are no gay dudes but you are just going to have to DEAL WITH THAT

Alright so there’s this woman right
like most people you find in fairytales
she is terrible at naming children
she names them snow white and rose red
because she has some rose bushes out front of her house that are those colors
maybe she got snow white from reading some fairytale about dwarves
who knows
either way
shitty at names
but unlike other fairytale moms
she does not die inexplicably in the first paragraph
so that’s a point in her favor

anyway this family is PAINFULLY happy
they live in a cottage in the woods
and they try set up some feeble distinction between snow white and rose red
but really they’re just a couple of fucking kids
running around causing a ruckus
or actually
causing no ruckus whatsoever
they are great kids
they aren’t assholes or starving or anything
SO ALRIGHT WHERE DOES THE STORY COME IN?

so one night it’s winter and everything
and they’re all hanging out by the fire being real familial and shit
when all of a sudden KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK
HERE COMES THE DOOR POLICE MAKING NOISE ALL OVER YOUR DOOR
and so snow white goes to the door like WHO THE FUCK IS IT
and the dude outside is all A BEAR
A BEAR IS OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE
I AM THE BEAR IN CASE THAT WASN’T CLEAR
and they are kind of worried about letting a talking bear into their house
but this is one smooth talking bear so eventually they let him in
and he sits in front of the fire
and the two little girls proceed to repeatedly punch him in the head
and tug on his fur
until any normal bear would have eaten them and then shat in their mom’s lap
but this bear just sits there and takes it
because he’s a shitty bear who can’t stand the cold
I guess he lost his cave or something
but seriously what kind of bear needs to couchsurf through fucking hibernation

anyway this continues to happen ALL WINTER LONG
the bear keeps showing up
and the girls keep punching him in the head
and he gets to like the family and they get to like him
who knows why
but then winter’s over and he’s all PEACE DUDES SEE YOU NEXT WINTER MAYBE
I GOTTA GO GUARD MY CAVE FULL OF TREASURE AGAINST THE DWARVES
see in the winter the dwarves are all frozen into their evil dwarf burrows
but in the spring the burrows thaw out and they are free to come charging out
dick first
hucking shit into bags and fucking your valuables
WAIT NOW HOLD ON BEARPANTS MCGEE
YOU MEAN TO SAY YOU HAD A CAVE ALL ALONG?
A CAVE FULL OF FUCKING RUBIES?
AND YOU DECIDED TO CRASH AT SOME COTTAGE IN THE GODDAMN WOODS?
YOUR BEAR LICENSE IS HEREBY REVOKED

ok but anyway they’re all pretty sad but what are you gonna do
gotta keep those dwarfdicks off your diamond tiaras
or whatever
i mean what kind of treasure does a bear keep in a cave
i figure all the good shit gets scooped up by dragons
i feel like the main kind of treasure you find in a bear cave
is bear shit
okay this tangent is kind of getting away from me
lemme get back on track
ahem

so snow white and rose red get over the loss of their abusable animal pal
and they go out walking in the woods
and pretty soon they come across this dwarf
he has his mandatory dwarf beard stuck in a log and he is very frustrated
so he sees snow white and rose red and he’s like WELL WELL WELL
NO ONE TOLD ME HUSSY BRIGADE WAS MARCHING THIS WAY
AND ME RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE PARADE ROUTE
HEY ASSCLOWNS HOW ABOUT FREEING MY BEARD FROM THIS TREE
I MEAN I’M STILL GOING TO HATE YOU AND MAYBE PUNCH YOU IN THE MOUTH
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY:
SHUT THE FUCK UP
and Snow White and Rose Red are like SURE BUDDY NO PROBLEM
and they chop off the end of his beard and set him free
and he’s like YOU COLOSSAL COCK CACTI
THAT WAS MY GOIN’ OUT BEARD
RUINED BECAUSE OF YOUR FUCKERY
WELL I’LL JUST BE TAKING MY MASSIVE BAG OF RUBIES AND LEAVING
and then he disappears and they don’t even think that is weird or anything
remember they are fairytale people

so that would be fine
asshole dwarf
sack full of rubies
whatever
but then they are out fishing the next day and they run into the SAME FUCKING DWARF
he has failed at fishing so hard
his beard is tangled in his fishing line
and the fish is too manly for him
and it is basically going to beardslam him into the water and then drown him
but the girls save him by
YOU GUESSED IT
FURTHER RUINING HIS BEARD
so obviously this does not please the dwarf
his beard is just getting mutilated
he’s like LISTEN DICKSHITS
IF I WANTED A DE-BEARDENING I’D STICK MY HEAD IN A FUCKING WOOD CHIPPER
WHAT IS THIS SHIT
ARE YOU A FUCKING BARBERSHOP QUARTET
BECAUSE IF SO
WHERE IS THE FAT GUY AND THE REALLY TALL TENOR
WHERE ARE YOUR STRIPED SHIRTS
WHERE ARE YOUR WEIRD FLAT STRAW HATS AND YOUR HOOKED CANES
and the girls are like we are not a barbershop quartet
and the dwarf is like DAMN RIGHT
SO STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY FACEJACKET
and then he picks up ANOTHER huge bag of treasure
and he leaves

now you’d think that by this point
snow white and rose red would have gotten sick of helping this guy
they save his life and he basically just spews a thick mucous of insults
out of his scabby dwarf beard
and then picks up a bunch of rad treasure and disappears
you’d think that perhaps when they found the dwarf being mauled by an eagle
they might let him die and go looking for his sick riches
WELL IF YOU THOUGHT THAT THEN YOU THOUGHT WRONG
because see what you are forgetting
is that everyone in fairytales is either stupid or an asshole
there is nothing else
so yeah they see this eagle nonsense
and they manage to yank the dwarf out of its grasp
and the dwarf is like YOU SIPHYLITIC TWANKSHANKS
LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY JACKET
THIS IS MY GOLDFUCKING JACKET
THERE’S A GOLD RING ON THE FRONT OF IT AND YOU LINE IT UP WITH THE GOLD AND
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND
WHERE DO YOU GET OFF
RACING AROUND THE FOREST RUINING MY CAREFULLY ENGINEERED LOOK
DO I SHOW UP TO YOUR BARBERSHOP
SLAP THE COCKS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH
AND TEAR YOUR WEIRD STRIPED JACKET WHILE AN EAGLE TRIES TO MURDER YOU
DO I?
DOOOO IIIIII?
and the girls are like alright dude whatever
and they leave him where he is
and he gathers up all his jewels
but see he is that rarest of fairytale creatures:
a stupid asshole
actually those aren’t that rare
but anyway what he does is he just sits right down and starts counting his jewels
right there in the middle of eagle territory
and the girls come walking back home while he’s doing this
and they see all his fat loot
and he’s getting ready to let fly with some REALLY BRUTAL INSULTS
when WHOA SHIT HERE COMES THAT BEAR FROM EARLIER
and the dwarf is like uh hey bear buddy what’s good
look the way I see it
you could eat me
that would be okay except that i don’t shower and my beard is full of knives
OR
you can eat those two girls
they think they’re in a barbershop quartet or something
they’re fucking crazy
crazy DELICIOUS that is
and the bear is like fuck this and he kills the dwarf
and then BAM he turns into a HANDSOME PRINCE
OF COURSE
YOU MUST HAVE BEEN SHITTING YOURSELF WONDERING WHERE ALL THE PRINCES WENT
IT’S OKAY GUYS THEY WERE INSIDE THIS BEAR
so yeah he’s all thank you for saving me guys
that dwarf put a curse on me that made me into a bear
and the only thing that could lift the curse was if he died
good thing I’m a bear and killing things is basically what I do huh?
and then they are all rich for a long time
and they are happy forever because money makes you happy

so the moral of the story
is if you are going to curse someone
do not turn them into a FUCKING BEAR
that’s like putting someone in prison
but the prison is a GIANT ROBOT SUIT

THE END.
(also happy birthday)