So I saw Thor

Posted on by
21

Alright so good afternoon guys
I hope you are having a good rapture
I’m autoposting this in case I ascend to heaven
although honestly
i do not expect my blog’s readership to be noticeably effected by this cosmic event
I hear ragnarok is scheduled for next thursday at three though
so uh
watch out for that

But so Ho-lee shit

I don’t know why they even called it thor
I probably would have titled it
LOOSE CONFEDERATION OF WUSSES
i mean
i understand it’s an adaptation of a comic book
which is an adaptation of the actual myth
and that’s why I’m not going to complain about little things
like how loki is not Odin’s son
or how Odin has no need to crown a new king because he’s NOT DYING
or how the frost giants are only like 7 feet tall tops
or how Sif is supposed to be thor’s wife
or how they call the Aesir “Asgardians”
or how Heimdall allows thor on the bifrost with Mjolnir
even though that would fucking BREAK THE WHOLE THING
or how Mjolnir is apparently “forged in the heart of a dying star”
instead of by some goldhungry dwarves who keep getting bitten on the eyes by flies
or how they decided to invent Fandral the Dashing
and Volstagg the Fat Idiot
while simultaneously ommitting Tyr, Baldur and Freyr
or how Thor refers to Midgard as “earth”
or how they came up with some bullshit called the Odin Sleep
which is basically just extended plot device nappytimes for Odin
or how people are actually afraid thor might die at any point
despite the fact that he is not prophesied to die until FUCKING RAGNAROK

no

I’m not going to complain about any of those things
i’m not even going to complain about how the only two characters I liked
were a dimensional gatekeeper who says maybe ten words over the course of the movie
and a female poli sci major
with the same first name as the main male protagonist from PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

and to be fair,
they actually did Loki pretty spot on
he started out with a really clever ploy:
get Thor to idiot his way all the way out of asgard
and then Odin Nappytimes happened so that made things work out even better
and then
right when he has the opportunity to put the win in the bag
he just stats shitting all over himself
like literally
he contracts the frost giants to come kill his sleeping dad
he BRINGS THEM INTO ASGARD
they get into the sleepytimes room
and BAM
that is when loki kills all of the giants
to make his father proud?
POINT ONE:
NOT YOUR DAD ASSHOLE
POINT TWO:
WEREN’T YOU TRYING TO BE KING A MINUTE AGO? THIS IS THE OPPOSITE OF DOING THAT
POINT THREE:
YOU DIDN’T HAVE TO BRING THEM ALL THE WAY HERE TO KILL THEM
THERE IS A WHOLE ICEWORLD FULL OF THESE FUCKERS JUST RIPE FOR THE MURDERING

but again
not complaining about Loki’s shitty plan
because that’s pretty much the only kind of plan loki ever makes
no
you wanna know what pisses me off?
I’ll give you a hint:
his name is in the title
give up?
ahem

THOR IS A HUUUUUUUUGE PUSSY
huge
we’re talking hotdog down a hallway status
cucumber down a mineshaft
whatever
pick any phallic object
pair it with the cavernous passageway of your choice
and you’ve got a pretty good idea of Thor’s MO in this movie
seriously
here’s what happens in the movie:
Thor’s gonna get kinged
but then OH NO OOPS GIANTS ATTACK
now instead of being king thor gets pranked by loki into attacking the giants
and Odin
who for some reason DOESN’T WANT ANY DEAD GIANTS ANYWHERE
banishes him
then falls asleep because i guess banishing makes you tired
Loki decides he is king
which pisses everyone else off but they do not respond with violence for some reason
thor prances around on earth
talking in a british accent
occasionally behaving in an anachronistic manner
punching a couple dudes
but ultimately adjusting remarkably quickly
to a world with domesticated electricity and laws against murder
he falls in love with some chick
who ALMOST has the name as the author of Pride and Prejudice
and she falls in love with him because pecs
then there’s a huge fire robot and a handful of punches
then thor proves that the power was inside him all along
or actually it was in mjolnir
which is programmed to return to his hand as soon as he becomes pure of heart
then thor goes home and punches loki a lot
which isn’t much of a feat honestly
loki is trying to blow up Jotunheim with the bifrost
which is a gun now i guess
but then thor becomes king by destroying that gunbridge
and his dad wakes up and loki falls off a cliff
WHATEVER

if I had written this movie
it would have been ten minutes long
here is the script:

THOR: Hey dad i just found some frost giants trying to steal our shit so I killed them
ODIN: THIS IS TROUBLING INDEED
THOR: I figured I’d go over to Jotunheim and kill all the other frost giants
ODIN: SOUNDS LIKE A PLAN SON
(They high five. Thor goes to Jotunheim and kills all the giants. FADE TO BLACK.)

now ok
I realize this is more of a gripe about ODIN being a pussy
I mean what Aesir wants peace with ANYONE EVER?
but i swear Thor is a huge pussy too
I mean he finds himself in new fucking mexico
surrounded by puny earth people who hit him with TWO CARS
and he miraculously agrees to wear shirts and not constantly kill people
to prove my point I am going to be taking selected quotes from the IMDB page
and rewriting them as they should have been written to begin with:

Thor: How dare you threaten the son of Odin with such a puny weapon!
Darcy: [Darcy tasers him]
Thor: I’M THE MOTHERFUCKING GOD OF THUNDER
Thor: [Thor bites off Darcy’s face]

Thor: [tasting coffee for the first time] This drink… I like it! More!
[smashes the cup]
Jane Austen: What are you doing?
Thor: It was good, I want another.
Jane: Then ask for one, don’t smash the cup on the ground.
Thor: DON’T YOU TELL ME WHAT TO DO. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.
Thor: [Proceeds to rampage through the diner, chucking patrons out of windows]

Thor: For the first time in my life, I have no idea what I’m supposed to do…
Thor: Oh wait.
Thor: Punching.
Thor: How could I forget?
Thor: [Resumes Punching]

Thor: Can I come home?
Loki: The truce with Jotunheim is conditional upon your exile.
Thor: Oh. Well … Uh…
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
THAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
Thor: [Punches straight through Loki’s sternum and then flies back to Asgard]

so
the verdict:
thor is a pretty good movie
if you’re really into movies that suck a whole lot

THE END.

Loki takes it just a little too far

Posted on by
20

HIDE YOUR WIVES AND DAUGHTERS
SET FIRE TO YOUR VALUABLES
LOKI IS COMING AND HE IS SWINGIN’ DICK
SERIOUSLY SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET REAL
THIS IS A MYTH THAT IS LESS A MYTH AND MORE A RAP BATTLE BETWEEN LOKI AND EVERYONE

so this myth picks up right after that other one
where thor ruin’s some guy’s whole house and livelihood
in order to get a pot big enough to brew nordic megabooze in
they are putting that pot to good use
cause everyone is at this bangin party at Aegir’s place
just getting trashed and yelling about violence
which is not much different from what they are doing AT ALL TIMES
except that EVERYONE is there
i don’t even know who half these assholes are
but one asshole I DEFINITELY recognize
is LOKI
this dude is sitting in the middle of the rad festivities
with a stick up his butt that it SOOOO LONG
that it shoots out of his mouth and kills one of the serving dudes
and everyone is like LOKI WHAT THE FUCK
WHAT THE FUCK LOKI
MAJOR PARTY FOUL
GET THE FUCK OUT

so loki leaves
he leaves for about TEN MINUTES
at which point he turns around and walks back to Aegir’s place
and he goes to the doorman and he’s all hey man
coming to this party
and the doorman is like fuck you
and loki is like no no no
fuck YOU
and the doorman is like RIGHT THIS WAY SIR
and loki comes back in and he’s standing in the doorway
and everyone is like WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE
WE TOLD YOU TO LEAVE LIKE THREE MINUTES AGO
and Loki is like chill out guys
you know
there was a time
when Odin and I were best bros
what happened Odin
was it because I ruined everything over and over again?
why can’t we be pals again?
and odin is like fuck it whatever
come sit down at the table
and FUCKING BEHAVE
unfortunately BEHAVE is not a word Loki can hear
so he goes about trying to shit in everyone’s mouths
with his words
basically with the same end goal as Eris in that one greek myth
except WAYYYYY BITCHIER

so Loki’s like OH MAN ALL YOU GODS ARE SO HELLA TIGHT
CHEERS TO EVERYBODY
EVERYBODY EXCEPT FOR THAT ASSHOLE OVER THERE
WHAT’S YOUR NAME ASSHOLE?
BRAGI?
SOUNDS LIKE AN ASSHOLE NAME TO ME
and Bragi is like man what the fuck
we kicked you out of the party
we let you come back
and this is the shit you pull?
come on man
and loki is like I’M NOT FINISHED
YOU ARE ALSO A HUGE PUSSY
and Bragi is like how about I pussy your face into pulp
and Loki is like THAT’S PRETTY BIG TALK
FOR A PUSSYYYYYYYYYYY

so then this chick Ithun chimes in
like Loki seriously dude
this isn’t even clever
you’re just fucking yelling at dudes
and Loki is like
SLUT
and this chick Gefjun is like seriously everybody calm down
and Loki is like YOU FUCK LITTLE BOYS
and then Odin is like AMATEUR HOUR IS OVER PUSSPANTHERS
TIME FOR THE ALLFATHER TO RIP THIS MOTHERFUCKER UP
THIALFI
GIVE ME A BEAT
and Thialfi is all like BOOM PSH BOOM BOOM PSH wikiwiki
and Odin’s like YO
I KNOW THERE’S A LOT OF BAD BLOOD BETWEEN US
BUT I’M NOT EVEN SURE THAT YOU HAVE A PENIS
CAUSE I HEARD ABOUT HOW YOU FUCKED A HORSE
AND WHEN THE BABIES CAME OUT, YOUR HORSE-VAG WAS THE SOURCE
and all the gods are like OHHHHHH SNAPPPPPP
and loki’s like UH UH CHECK IT OUT
I’LL FUCK YOUR OTHER EYE OUT AND I’LL MAKE YOU MY BITCH
YO I HEARD YOU ONCE DESCENDED TO EARTH AS A WITCH
THAT WOULD SEEM TO PROVE THAT YOU LACK A DONG
EVEN THOUGH I’M TOTALLY LYING ABOUT ALL THIS SHIT
and then frigga is like this is pretty stupid
and Loki’s like YOU’RE A SLUT
and frigga is like bro if Baldur were here right now
and not dead
he’d totally whup you
and Loki’s like HAHA JOKE’S ON YOU
I’M THE DUDE WHO KILLED BALDUR
yeah that’s right
i’m so intent on ruining your party
I WILL WILLINGLY CONFESS TO MURDER
and Freyja is like dude are you seriously confessing to murder right now?
and Loki’s like LET’S PLAY FILL IN THE BLANK:
YOU’RE A SLUT
OH MAN I FORGOT TO PUT IN ANY BLANKS SORRY

and this whole time this god Njorth who now one has heard of
has been warming up his sick burns on the megahearth
and now he brings them to bear
all like LOKI
YOU ARE CALLING ALL THESE WOMEN SLUTS
BUT LIKE
YOU FUCKED A HORSE
SO
KIND OF A DOUBLE STANDARD THERE BUDDY
and Loki’s like OH YEAH?
WELL I HEARD A BUNCH OF CHICKS PISSED IN YOUR MOUTH
and Njorth is like seriously where are you even getting this shit
and Loki is like PS YOUR SON FREYR IS A PIECE OF SHIT
and then Tyr steps up to the mic
and he’s like yo:
Freyr is actually a pretty cool dude
and Loki is like WHAT’S THAT HANDY MCHANDS?
I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER ALL THE HANDS YOU’RE MISSING
and Tyr is like ok yeah i lost a hand
but I lost it while imprisoning the SHIT out of your horrible wolfbaby
so you can fellate my fist
and Loki’s like uh
well
YOUR WIFE’S A SLUT
at which point Freyr steps in and he’s like dude
you are walking on thin ice
we’re like this close to chaining you up like your wolfkid
and Loki’s like WHATEVER DUDE
AT LEAST I’M NOT GOING TO LOSE MY SWORD RIGHT BEFORE RAGNAROK
SERIOUSLY YOU HAVE THE LAMEST PART OF THAT PROPHECY AMIRITE
and then some dude Byggvir is like I WANNA PUNCH YOO
and Loki’s like who the fuck are you
seriously
and NO ONE KNOWS
so then Heimdall is like dude Loki
maybe you need to quit drinking
you are being kind of belligerent man
and Loki is like YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER
and then Sif
who is thor’s wife
is like lemme just pour you some more booze there loki
we’re cool right?
and Loki’s like
I WILL GIVE EVERYONE THREE GUESSES WHAT YOU ARE
BZZZT TIME’S UP YOU’RE A SLUT
and thor is like aw hell no
oy
loki
shut your mouth before I hit you with my hammer
and Loki’s like PUSSY
and thor’s like HAMMER
and Loki’s like PANSY
and Thor’s like HAMMER
and Loki’s like YOU GOT PRANKED BY A GIANT
and Thor’s like HAMMER HAMMER HAMMER
and Loki’s like you’re not even listening to me are you
and Thor’s like hammer?
and then Loki is like alright shitlicks
it’s been real
but i gotta go make fun of some horses
or maybe fuck some horses
haven’t decided yet
but anyway peace
and the gods are like UH NOPE
YOU MAY RECALL HAVING CONFESSED TO MURDER A FEW MINUTES AGO
and Loki is like aww fuck
and then they tie him to a rock with his son’s intestines
and drip poison on him forever
and he has siezures and those are earthquakes i guess

so the moral of the story
if when crashing a party
be sure not to admit to any felonies

THE END

Nanbozho sounds like the name of a very ethnic clown

Posted on by
13

okay so today’s myth is brought to you
at the bequest of a very special lady
she is so special that her name is Avalancha “The A is For Excellence” Raptorface
and she wants me to tell a myth about
rainbows?
HOLD ON
RAINBOWS?
ARE YOU TRYING TO SABOTAGE ME HERE RAPTORFACE?
fuck it whatever
I’m just going to have to make this simple uplifting myth
as METAL AS POSSIBLE

okay so there’s this motherfucker who calls himself Nanbozho
great job on having a shitty name asshole
every time i hear that name it is like someone is driving a unicycle into my dong
while honking the national anthem on a bike horn and pieing me in the face
WITH LIVE BEES
i don’t know guys I feel like maybe I’m trying too hard

anyway nanbozo is sitting in his idiot shack by this dumbshit waterfall
and one day he wakes up and he is like
THERE IS A PROBLEM
THESE FLOWERS ARE NOT ENOUGH COLORS
TIME TO MAKE EVERYTHING SOOOOOO PRETTTYYYYYY
seriously guys
what the fuck am I supposed to do
this is a myth about a guy PAINTING FLOWERS
and the end result is RAINBOWS
I’m sure if the Michigan indians had known about sparkle ponies and twinklebabies
those would be in here too
but anyway nanbozie grabs his special flower painting paints
and he goes out to paint the FUCK out of these flowers
which honestly are pretty drab
i mean they’re all just this kind of off-white
like an eggshell white
but leaning a little bit more towards beige
AHHH SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOING TO ME
NO
NO
I DON’T GIVE A SHAGGY SCREAMING FUCK ABOUT COLORS
okay but uh
so he’s painting the flowers
he paints all the violets violet
and the venus flytraps and the piranha plants he paints green and red
and the pansies he paints EVERY COLOR OF THE RAINBOW
except there aren’t rainbows yet so I guess HE CAN’T DO THAT NOW CAN HE
but anyway this dude apparently has some kind of serious ocd
because he is painting EVERY SINGLE FUCKING FLOWER
EVEN THE REALLY BORING ONES LIKE DAISIES
DAISIES ARE JUST WHITE WITH YELLOW IN THE MIDDLE
DID HE JUST RUN OUT OF IDEAS?
WAS HE GOING FOR SOME KIND OF NOVEAU MINIMALISM?
WHAT THE HELL IS NOVEAU MINIMALISM
DOES IT EVEN COUNT AS NOVEAU IF THIS IS A FUCKING CREATION MYTH?
anyway
enter: two asshole birds
they’re bluebirds
of course
not like they’re gonna be crows or dragons or anything
and these bluebirds are just having SUCH A GOOD TIME
THAT EVERYONE ELSE’S GOOD TIMES ARE AT RISK
like when you are in line at the supermarket
and you start moshing
except in this case
what these birds are doing
is repeatedly divebombing nanbizza’s paints
trying as hard as they can to punch each other in their little bluebird hearts
THIS IS A FUN GAME THAT BLUEBIRDS PLAY
but so yeah nanabobo is like HEY STOP THAT YOU CRAZY KIDS
GET OUTTA HERE
and the birds are like fuck fine
you sure are crabby for a dude who paints flowers
WE’RE LEAVING
and they leave
but not before getting totally covered in all manner of paint

so they leave and now suddenly they are the main fucking characters
yeah
these two dumbshit birds with no respect for personal space or property
these are our protagonists
so they’re all covered in paint so they’re like LET’S TAKE A SHOWER
TOO BAD SHOWERS HAVEN’T BEEN INVENTED YET
GUESS WE GOTTA USE WATERFALLS
so they go over to the waterfall
but then instead of taking a shower
they decide to just start dive bombing each other
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING WATERFALL
now i don’t know about you guys
but i think watching two tiny birds get beat down by a fucking waterfall
would be HILARIOUS
unfortunately that is not what happens
what happens
is that all the paint gets washed off these fuckers
IN PERFECT SEQUENCE
forming

…

wait for it


A MOTHERFUCKING RAINBOWWWWWW

And nanbazilla looks up at the rainbow and he’s like
nice
RAINBOWS FOR EVERYBODY
and from then on everybody gets rainbows

so the moral of the story
is if you just go around throwing paint on animals
maybe god will run out of ideas for natural phenomena and just use your shit
and even if he doesn’t at least you get to throw paint on animals

THE END.

Grettir the Strong Wrecks Dudes’ Faces

Posted on by
6

Shirts are in the mail!
if you preordered a crossdressing shirt
make sure to dig around in your envelope for your thank you note
they are handcrafted and dripping with organic gratitude

SO GRETTIR THE STRONG

he is the dude who steals fire
punches kids in the head
and for some reason has a really bad reputation in Norway
AND NOW HE’S AT IT AGAIN

so it’s around christmastime
and Grettir shows up at the house of some dude named Einar
he’s all yo dude lemme crash in your house
and Einar is all i’d rather not
I hear you are a wanted criminal who punches orphans
and Grettir is like whoa dude
that sounds like something an orphan would say
my orphan punching arm is getting kind of itchy
and einar is like I made a pile of all the beds
take them
do whatever you want with them

so but actually this ends up turning out pretty well for Einar
because
in the words of this saga:
“in many parts of norway at this time
outlaws and criminals would suddenly appear”
that’s right
this is the period of Norweigan history that inspired Gauntlet: Legends
so everyone is just chilling out
going about their business
when BAM
CRIMINALS
WHERE DID THEY COME FROM?
WHO KNOWS
THERE’S PROBABLY A GLOWING SHED ABOUT THIRTY FEET UPHILL
CONSTANTLY SPAWNING THESE FUCKERS
(if you have never played gauntlet
let me explain it real quick
it is basically a thing you can spend an infinite amount of time on
that contains absolutely no fun
sort of like mashed potatoes
it’s rad having a big bowl of mashed potatoes at dinner with all your bros
but when you are eating mashed potatoes alone in the dark at 2AM there is a problem
anyway I have a copy of it for the PS2 if anyone wants to buy it)
so these criminals have names
pretty sure
but i’m not picking up the book to look them up
it doesn’t matter because (SPOILER ALERT) they die
let me explain to you how that happens
because that is surely the most excellent part of this myth

ok so this brigand rolls up with his posse
like yo Einar
word on the street is that your wife has a vagina
and I was just telling my crew the other day
vaginas are my bread and butter
and I’ve already fucked all my bread and butter to pieces so how about that vagina
and Einar is like now normally I would say yes
but only if you were asking me a completely different question about something else
and this brigand is like ok well option two
I stab your face off
and Einar is like these are not great options you are giving me
i think I need to consult with my resident badass
HEY GRETTIR
and grettir is like wut
I was just about to go see if I could steal honey from some bees
maybe kick some bears in the nuts
nothing terrible has happened to me recently I think i’m losing my edge
and Einar is like no time for that what should I do about Mister Mcstabberson here?
and Grettir is like oh him?
dude whatever just ignore him he’ll go away
and Einar is like by go away do you mean stab my face off
at which point the dude is like T MINUS TEN SECONDS TO STABOFF
and Grettir is like dude chill out
we are not fighting dudes
are are all real groovy pacifists or whatever
and the berserker is all like I bet I could kick your ass
and grettir is like
“What is tested is known”
which is the Medieval Norse equivalent of
“That is not what your mom said last night”
and the berserker for some reason gets the idea that Grettir is stalling
so he does what any reasonable person would do in this situation
he starts EATING HIS SHIELD
he just basically stuffs the edge of his shield as far into his mouth as he can
and gives it a taste of the ol’ tongue tornado if you know what I mean
if you know what I mean you’re a fucking pervert
and I am not letting you near my shields
anyway this is the moment Grettir has been waiting for I guess?
because he just walks over to the berserker
checks him out for a second
then SIDEKICKS THE SHIELD THROUGH HIS FACE
and then as if that wasn’t enough
he grabs what’s left of the dude’s head
pulls him off his horse
steals his sword
and then decapitates him with it
all in the space of like three seconds
at which point the dude’s homies realize they are in wayyyyy over their heads
and they get the fuck out of there
and Grettir is like should I chase them?
nahhhh
and he goes back to causing problems for a while until he dies

so the moral of the story here is pretty straightforward
don’t put weapons in your mouth
i feel like you guys could have figured that out on your own
but if that’s true
then why did anyone bother writing this myth?

FOOD FOR THOUGHT.

Grettir the Strong Sets Dudes on Fire

Posted on by
2

so here’s a myth today
to make up for the myth blogger wouldn’t let me post yesterday
WOO
also:
most of the shirts are going to get mailed out in a couple hours
but if you ordered a purple,
a light blue,
a light green,
a medium white,
or a medium or XL pink,
the earliest I can get those in the mail is tomorrow
because my shirt wholesaler is being a huge bitch
ANYWAY
today’s myth comes from a book
which was purchased for me by human machine gun
CHET “Read my lips: I am going to punch you in your lips” KAPOW

OKAY SO THERE’S THIS DUDE GRETTIR

he’s a pretty Norwiegan dude
but like old-style Norwiegan
with all the murdering and the swords and the swimming through ice cold water
and not being in a death metal band
because he is too busy being in a death metal LIFE
Grettir means Snake by the way
and his full name
and by full name I mean his name with a sweet nickname attached
is GRETTIR THE STRONG
so Snake the Strong
so Solid Snake
excellent

anyway this particular story takes place in the middle of a much larger story
which is basically just about how much ass Grettir regularly stomps
but also about how thoroughly shafted he gets by everyone at every turn
seriously this dude has the luck of the Irish
during the potato famine
too soon?

so Grettir is on this boat with a bunch of Merchants
who the fuck knows where he’s going
probably he is trying to hit up king Olaf
you remember
the guy who is all about chucking horsecocks at dogs
he’s kind of related to Olaf or something?
to be fair I think he’s also related to a guy named Ivar Horsecock
lotta horsecocks in Norway
but yeah he’s on this boat
and everyone on this boat is cold
because that’s what happens when you’re on a boat in Norway
and they’re all like BOY SOME FIRE SURE WOULD BE NICE
and then they look up at a hill on the other side of the bay
and there’s a BIGASS FIRE over there
and they’re like MAN
WOULDN’T IT BE COOL IF SOMEONE WENT AND GOT THAT FIRE
and Grettir is sitting there like MAN
wouldn’t it be cool if you guys stopped being pussies and went and got the fire?
and they’re like WHO’RE YOU CALLING PUSSY
PUSSY
and Grettir is like NO ONE CALLS ME A PUSSY
but I have a bad feeling about this
like I’m pretty sure this is going to end with me having some really shitty luck
and you guys not giving me any props for grabbing the fire
and the merchants are like NONSENSE
GO GET US FIRE

so Grettir does the sensible thing
which is strip naked
and put on just some pants
and a cowl
which is like a robe but just for your face
and then he jumps into the FREEZING COLD WATER
and he swims across the bay
and jumps out
and runs up to the place where the dudes are at
and woo look there is fire

uh ok a little backstory
apparently the dudes with the fire are the sons of some dude named Thorir
which seems to be a pretty popular name in these parts
because people wanna be named after Thor
and if anyone actually named themselves Thor THOR WOULD RUIN THEM
Thorir sent his kids to go work for king Olaf because he figures he owes Olaf a solid
because they are old buddies and one time they maybe built a boat?
so anyway that’s why his kids are there

so Grettir just busts straight into the hall with the fire
his cowl is frozen to his head in some kind of crazyshape
he’s huge
he looks like a fucking troll
and everyone is like GET AWAY FROM HERE YOU TROLL
THIS IS WHAT YOU GET
YOU GET BEAT WITH FLAMING LOGS
so everyone is hitting him with flaming logs but he doesn’t give a shit
because he’s fucking FROZEN
and in the process they set their own hall on fire
but Grettir doesn’t notice that
because he’s too busy walking out with some of their fire
and then he puts it in a barrel or something and drags it back across the frozen water to his merchant buddies
and they’re like YESSSSSSSS

but then the next morning they go to hit up the fire dudes
and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
EVERYONE GOT FIRED
there is just some bones and some ashes and whatever
and the merchants are like GRETTIR
WHAT DID YOU DO
and Grettir is like SEE I KNEW YOU GUYS WERE GONNA BE LIKE THIS
FUCK YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
and then the merchants devote all their time from that day on
to telling EVERYONE what an asshole Grettir is

so Grettir gets sick of this bullshit
and he goes and hits up King Olaf like yo
perhaps you have heard of me?
and Olaf is like yeah you’re that asshole with the burning
right?
and Grettir is like WRONG
I came all the way here to clear my name so you better cut the bullshit
and Olaf is like dude I’m gonna be honest with you
I don’t think you burned any dudes
but it’s pretty hard to prove that kind of shit
we don’t have cameras or police
or like
a judicial system
so how about we make you hold a red hot iron bar
like in that Arthurian legend about a couple of sexhungry emokids
and if it burns you we know you’re guilty
and Grettir is like SOUNDS AWESOME

so Grettir starts preparing to get his hands burned off
by like praying and not eating any food and whatever
and then the hand-burny day arrives
and he’s walking down the aisle to get his hands burned
when this BUTT-UGLY KID runs up to him
like OY
OY
GRETTIR
YOU’RE TOTALLY GUILTY WHO DO YOU THINK YOU’RE FOOLING
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
then he actually gives him the finger
that is a direct quote from the text
apparently they not only had the finger back in medieval Norway
but they had enough of them to give away
but so this pisses off Grettir so much
that he punches the kid in the head and the kid dies
at which point everybody starts punching everybody
and then Olaf is like Grettir
buddy
I was trying to help you out
with some red hot iron for your hands
not much I can do when you start using those hands for punching
and Grettir is like COME ON MAN
GIMME ANOTHER SHOT
and Olaf is like naw man no can do
you are one unlucky son of a bitch
looks like everyone is gonna have to hate you forever now
so go ahead and just get the fuck out of here
go to Iceland
I think there’s a prophecy that you’re supposed to die there or something
so that’s fun
and Grettir is like FINE
I’m LEAVING

so the moral of the story
you can’t get absolved for murder
if during your murder trial
you keep murdering people
or
to be more concise
you can’t have your cake and murder it too

THE END

The Green Snake Eats Inedible Garbage

Posted on by
13

re: shirts
they are almost done
the dude forgot to buy like half of them though
so that’s happening tomorrow
and then everything should go in the mail by friday
HOPEFULLY
SORRY ABOUT THE DELAY GUYS I AM TRYING VERY HARD
AND I HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT TRYING HARD IS WHAT MATTERS
ALSO I’M GOING TO BE ANNOUNCING SOMETHING REALLY COOL VERY SOON
BUT NOT TODAY MY FRIENDS
NOT TODAY

anyway here’s a story I had no idea existed until someone mentioned it
in the comments on another weird story i had no idea existed until someone emailed me
so yeah
here we go

so will-o-the-wisps right?
first of all
WOW
that name pretty much used up my hyphen budget for this entire myth
not sure what i’m gonna do when i have to mention them again
but second of all do you guys know what these things are?
they are basically just fire
if fire was an asshole
which it pretty much is
but not like this
see when our story begins
two of these fuckers are getting a ride in the middle of the night from some boat guy
and they get to the other side and he is like dudes
could you hook me up with some payment?
dunno why he didn’t ask for payment BEFORE taking them across the river
might have saved him some trouble
except WHOA WHAT’S THIS?
these wisp dudes just have a couple mini seizures and BAM
gold comes out of their bodies
pretty sweet right?

WRONG
because the ferry dude FREAKS THE FUCK OUT about this
he’s like YOU IDIOTS
THE RIVER IS MAGIC
IF GOLD GETS IN IT IT EXPLODES
PAY ME IN FRESH VEGETABLES PLEASE
and the wisps are like dude
if you’re not going to accept this FUCKING GOLD that we shat out
you are not getting ANYTHING AT ALL
and they start to leave
but whoa what’s this
looks like they CAN’T MOVE
wanna know why?
because the boat dude is magic
that’s why
actually lemme save you guys some trouble real quick
EVERYONE IN THIS STORY IS MAGIC
EVERYONE
you can’t take a shit in this place without it gaining the power of speech

anyway the wisps are like fine dude we’ll get you some fucking veggies
and the ferryman is like ok
it’s gotta be 3 onions
three cabbages
and three artichokes
don’t ask why
just do it
and then he boats away to try and get rid of all this fucking gold he has

so he finds some rocks
and he dumps his gold into a crack the rocks
and then he’s like well that was easy
and goes home
BUT LITTLE DOES HE KNOW
THERE IS A SNAKE LIVING IN THOSE ROCKS
a GREEN SNAKE
and so all the gold hits the snake on her head
(yeah this is a girlsnake
just to head off any confusion at the gecko
i mean getgo
haha get it those words kind of sound the same)
and so the snake wakes up and she is like hm what is this that hit me on the head
only one way to find out
I BETTER EAT IT
so she does
and WHABAM
suddenly she is glowing?
well shit
if she wasn’t magical before SHE SURE IS NOW
but i mean she was magical before
remember
EVERYONE is magical
this is a snake that can turn into a fucking bridge ok?
but we’ll get to that later

what’s important right now is that the snake goes out hunting for more gold
because apparently gold is SOOOO TASTY
and what she ends up finding are those two wisp dudes
just chillin out in the night
being fire and everything
and she’s like dudes
did you see any gold go by here?
and they’re all like WHABAM
GOLD ALL OVER THE PLACE
and the snake is like mm thanks
and the wisps are like hey bro
do you know where we can find this chick lily?
and the snake is like oh yeah
other side of the river dudes
and they’re like SERIOUSLY?
BALLS
WE JUST CROSSED THE RIVER
AND WE CAN’T TAKE THE BOAT BACK CUZ THE BOATGUY HATES US
and the snake is like chill out
i’m a bridge remember?
and the wisps are like actually we never knew that but that is useful info yes
and the snake is like also there is a giant
he has a shadow that can carry you across at like dawn or whatever
when his shadow is super long
also i probably don’t need to tell you this
but that giant?
SUPER MAGICAL
and the wisps are like ok cool thanks
looks like we can’t really do anything til tomorrow
better go play pranks on the elderly!
so they go off to be dicks somewhere else
and the snake decides that now that she is made out of light
she should totally go explore her dark-as-fuck lair
so she does

HOLY SHIT THERE’S A LOT OF STUFF IN THIS SNAKE’S LAIR
there’s basically this bigass temple
where there are all these dudes made of precious metals
there is a gold dude
and a silver dude
and a bronze dude
so it’s like the olympics
but with dudes
oh yeah except there’s also a fourth dude
who is made out of the other three dudes
not like voltron
but like
he is made out of a combination of gold silver and bronze
all winding around inside his body
so i guess like if someone melted the olympics in a bucket

but anyway the snake is hanging out there
and some old dude comes in with a lamp
and the kings are like fuck you old dude we don’t need your light
we already got a glowing snake
and the old dude is like you know my lamp only lamps when there are other lamps
and the kings are like oh yeah
why was that again?
and the old dude is like BECAUSE I AM MAGIC
and the kings are like right
how could we have forgotten
and then they ask him a bunch of stupid questions that I ignored
and then he leaves and now HE is the main character of this story

so apparently the old dude’s useless lamp is not as useless as it seems
because whereas when there is other light it is a light
when there is no light it just straight up turns everything in spitting distance
into PRECIOUS METALS
guys this story is confusing as fuck to read
but it would make such a rad animation
i know one of you has to be an animator or something
this could be your career right here
I’m serious I would love to see someone animate this story
I’d buy the shit out of it
here is the version I read
go nuts
but anyway he goes through some underground passages
turning everything around him into a glittering panorama
appropriate for a stereotypical gold rush miner’s fetish magazine
and then finally he gets home
and PLOT TWIST
it turns out his elderly wife is the elderly person the wisps decided to prank!
THAT’S RIGHT
THE EVENTS IN THIS STORY ACTUALLY DO HAVE SOME RELATION TO ONE ANOTHER
KIND OF
but yeah the old dude gets home
and his wife
whose magic power is being a WHINY TWAT
is like HUSSSBAAAAANNDDDDDD
THESE WISPS SHOWED UP AND COMPLIMENTED ME A BUNCH
AND THEN ATE ALL THE GOLD ENCRUSTING THE WALLS
AND THEN SHAT OUT A BUNCH OF GOLD COINS ON MY DOG MOPS
AND MOPS ATE A COIN AND NOW HE’S DEAD
ALSO I MAY HAVE PROMISED TO PAY THE FERRYMAN WHAT THEY OWE HIM
NOT SURE WHY I DID THAT
I GUESS I GOT DISTRACTED WHILE THEY WERE EATING MY WALLS AND KILLING MY DOG
and the old dude is like bitch calm down
I got a lamp and I am not afraid to use it
and BAM
out comes megalamp: ultra edition
and all the walls turn to gold
and their dead dog Mops turns into onyx
(the first time i read this I thought mops was just some mops
and i was perplexed by the huge deal everyone was making about them
but really that is their fault for naming their dog mops
what’s next
a cat named brooms?
a parakeet named dishwashers?)
and then the old man is like ok so i’ve got to handle all these problems now
here’s what you do
first of all go get your magic basket
because it’s not appropriate to walk around out there without being magical as fuck
then put our onyx dog in it
along with some cabbages onions and artichokes for the ferryman
and bring the dog to Lily who lives across the river and Lily will reanimate him
Lily will do this using SCIENCE
oh wait sorry i misspoke
I mean MAGIC
what the fuck is science why did I even say that?

so now it’s the next day and the old woman walks over to the river
carrying her magic basket
in which everything becomes incredibly light
EXCEPT VEGETABLES WHICH BECOME RIDICULOUSLY HEAVY
seems like the worst basket to carry vegetables in but hey
if a magic basket is all you’ve got
you use the fuck out of that magic basket
but on the way she sees that giant
remember?
the magic giant with the magic shadow?
well the magic shadow is like HAHA RUINING YOUR DAY
and grabs a bunch of vegetables out of her basket
and eats them
and the woman is like fuuuuuuuck
I don’t have enough vegetables to give the dude now
but this basket is so heavy i don’t want to carry it back to my house
might as well just give the ferryman whatever I’ve got
so she goes over to the river
and the ferryman is there like sup
and the old woman is like vegetables
and the man is like NOT ENOUGH VEGETABLES
and the woman is like well can we have this debt be on layaway
like can I give you these ones and go back and get some more
cause this shit is HEAVY
and the ferryman is like fine
but you gotta make a pact with the river
and the old woman is like what’s the consequences
and the dude is like nothing
IF YOU KEEP YOUR WORD
and the woman is like oh yeah whatever that’s easy
so she goes to shake hands with the river
and WHABAM
her hand comes out all black and shriveled
and she’s like AAAA
I’M SECRETLY RACIST THIS IS THE WORST THING YOU COULD HAVE DONE TO ME
and the dude is like chill out
it’ll get WAYYYY worse if you don’t give me those three vegetables
see it’ll get smaller and smaller
until it finally disappears
but you’ll still have the hand
like
you’ll be able to pick up things and whatever
you’ll just have an INVISIBLE HAND
so the woman
instead of being like SWEET
I CAN USE THIS TO SCARE TODDLERS
is like OH NO OH FUCK WHAT WHAT OH NO
and she goes and runs off and then I guess kind of forgets about it?
because she sees some hot dude in a shiny breastplate fresh off the ferry
and she runs over like hey boy
what’s your story
and the dude is totally sullen and not answering questions and whatever
but then he sees the stone dog in her magic floating basket
and he’s like WHAT’S THAT
and she’s like i’ll show you mine if you tell me yours
your story that is
but actually the guy just whines a whole bunch about how he misses this lily chick
you know
the chick everyone is trying to go see
i guess he’s in love with her or something
and maybe he used to be a king?
it’s never really made clear
but seeing as everybody is either kings or magic or both
pretty safe to assume he’s a king
actually i should tell you
right now this dude isn’t magic at all
but it’s cool because he will be later

ANYWAY
they realize that they’re both going to see Lily
even though this dude JUST came from there
so they start walking together
and GUESS WHAT
who do they run into but those FUCKING WISP DUDES
they’re invisible right now because it is daytime
but that does not stop them from causing a ruckus
so now THEY’RE going along with the chick and the dude too
and they get to this SWEETASS BRIDGE
they are like why did we not notice this bridge before
it is so sweet
you know why they didn’t notice it before?
because it is a magic bridge made out of the green snake
who is all hopped up on gold so she looks super pretty today
but they don’t realize that while they are stomping all over her spine
and it’s only once they’re on the other side that she stops being a bridge
and slithers on over and is like hey guys
i was that bridge
just in case you thought I was a snake who was not magic
nope
totally magic
got bridge powers
just letting you know
so are we gonna go see this lily chick or what?

so they all go to lily’s garden or whatever this place is
and Lily is this super hot chick
who gets hotter when she is sad
and is sad ALL THE TIME
because her magic power is the raddest of all
too rad for one woman to handle:
she can touch people and then they die
also she can touch rocks and they come to life
which is why the woman brought her stone dog there
but for the moment she has totally forgotten about that
and is like HEY LILY DO YOU HAVE ANY VEGETABLES I CAN BORROW
I KINDA OWE A GUY A LOT OF VEGETABLES
and Lily is like shit
good luck
all i got is bigass trees
oh and this dead bird
it was my only friend but it tried to motorboat me and my tits killed it
now i play this harp and cry all the time
and the woman is like TOUCH MY DOG
and Lily is like only if I get to keep it
and the woman is like sure whatever
so BOOM
now there’s this butt-ugly pug and Lily is playing with it having a ball
and she’s like old woman
go take this little bird to your husband and make him use his lamp on it
then i can bring it back to life and have TWO FRIENDS
meanwhile the emo king stumbles in like LILY WHY WON’T YOU PAY ATTENTION TO ME
WAAAAAA
and he bullrushes her and she sticks out her hand like NO
and kills him
and he falls over and she’s like fuuuuuck
i sure wish I’d been nicer to him NOW
and the snake is like HOLY SHIT LEMME MAKE A MAGIC SNAKECIRCLE AROUND THIS DUDE
IT WILL KEEP HIM FROM DISINTEGRATING WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN
THAT’S A THING THAT HAPPENS
HOLY FUCK SOMEONE GET THE DUDE WITH THE LAMP
HE’LL KNOW WHAT TO DO
and the old woman is like ok guys
we were talking about my hand a second ago
what happened to that
what’s this bullshit
where are my vegetables
and the snake is like BITCH ENOUGH ABOUT YOU
GO GET THE WILL-O-THE-WISPS
aw fuck i went over my hyphen allotment
now i gotta go into debt with a wealthy hyphen-shark
FUCK I DID IT AGAIN
anyway the woman goes to get the wisps
and then what the fuck
BAM
here comes the lamp dude
how did he even get here?
who knows
all anyone knows is that his lamp apparently sparkles when people are in danger
like a bat signal of deus ex machina
and then birds always show up and take him where he needs to be
so now here he is
and he’s like ALRIGHT
GUYS
I GOT THIS
MY LAMP IS BASICALLY CONSTANTLY SHOOTING OUT GENIES AT EVERY AVAILABLE SURFACE
I’M SURE THERE’S SOMETHING I CAN DO
and then the wisps show up like how can we help
and the dude is like SHUT THE FUCK UP AND HELP ME STUFF THIS GUY IN THIS BASKET
so they take the old woman’s basket and stretch it out and stuff the dude in there
and then they drag everything to the river and the snake conjures a bridge
the bridge isn’t even the snake apparently it’s just a bridge
because the snake has to stay coiled around the basket
what the fuck
but yeah then pretty soon they’re on the other side
and the snake has to sacrifice herself for some reason
she’s all like i’ll sacrifice myself
but you guys gotta gather up all the rocks from the riverbank
and the old man is like seriously?
all the rocks?
why?
and the snake is like i dunno man
i was about to die and I kinda couldn’t think of anything
I choked ok
just get the fucking rocks
and then BAM they’re underground and in that chamber with all those kings
and they’re all super restless
oh yeah there’s some kind of prophecy about all this shit anyway
although I figure in a place with all this magic going on everywhere
prophecies are not that unusual
WEATHER FORECAST TODAY:
PARTLY CLOUDY
CHANCE OF GLOWING SNAKEBRIDGES
METAL KINGS WILL RISE FROM THE EARTH OR WHATEVER

but yeah they’re down there
saying stupid shit to the lantern dude again
and he’s all like THE TIME IS AT HAND
and oh yeah
the composite king is a total asshole
he thinks he’s going to rule over everything
BUT GUESS WHAT COCKMEAT
TURNS OUT DIVERSITY IS NOT APPRECIATED IN GERMAN MYTHS
YOUR ASS GOT EATEN BY WISP DUDES
or at least the gold parts of your ass
whatever the point is he collapses in on himself as he tries to stand up
and it’s pretty gross actually
oh yeah also the old man tells lily to touch the prince
which brings him back to life but he doesn’t have a soul
and that makes her real happy and she hugs the old man
which i thought would kill him
that would have been pretty funny
but nope he’s fine
he’s just TOO FUCKING MAGICAL FOR THIS SHIT
but yeah then the temple rises up out of the earth
and the old dude’s cottage gets trapped inside it I think
and then because of his lamp it turns into sweet silver radness
and they break out somehow
and the whole time the old woman is like WAAAA WHAT ABOUT MY HAND
and at this point the lamp dude is just like BITCH
JUST GO JUMP IN THE RIVER
ALL IS FORGIVEN FOR SOME REASON
I GUESS BECAUSE THE AUTHOR IS TIRED OF YOUR WHINING
and then the and then he turns to the soulless king and is like alright prince emo
time to get a soul or something
because the three most important things in life
are Strength, Wisdom, and Charisma
which are represented by these three kings
fuck Dex and Int
go over to those kings and they will give you presents for some reason
so the prince goes over there
and the gold king gives him a sword
and the sliver king gives him a sceptre
and the bronze king gives him a wreath
if I was an immortal metal king about to rise up and rule the world
i would not give these things away
but that is just me I guess
meanwhile
the dead snake becomes a first class suspension bridge all the way across the river
and then the giant wakes up and starts freaking the fuck out
knocking huge crowds of dudes off the bridge with his shadow
and the new king prince dude is about to try and kill the giant
but the old lampman
who apparently knows about ALL THIS SHIT
is just like dude
chill out
and then all the people who were busy crossing the bridge suddenly see this sweetass temple
and they go over to check it out
and they almost trample each other
except then the wisps start shitting gold on everyone and it distracts them
and everyone lives happily ever after
until the lampman’s bat signal goes off again and he has to do more crazy shit

so the moral of the story
is don’t take ferries
they are way overpriced
and you can probably find a snakebridge or a giant shadow for free anyway

THE END

Excuses Excuses

Posted on by
4

So as is probably already clear
I am taking off/have already taken off today for mother’s day
but it is not because I love my mother
no no no
it is because I love YOUR mother
yes you
all of you who are reading this
i fucked your moms

the end

Hera is Such a Bitch

Posted on by
17

Shirts almost done
I stabbed myself in the hand while whittling a stamp to do the back parts
I GAVE MY BLOOD FOR YOU

ok so anyway Bacchus right

he had some PR problems starting out
like how his dad Zeus had to hide him in his crotch while he was gestating
and how no one would believe he was a god until he actually TORE THEM APART
but at this point in the story he has put all that shit behind him
everyone pretty much agrees that he is a god
and that if he is not then it is probably safer to say he is
because everyone likes having their skin on their bodies

but WHAT’S THIS
i guess hera is still pissed off about zeus’s infidelity
but i mean she can’t really do anything to Zeus directly
because
you know what actually I have no idea
I guess there’s a code or something
anyway she figures the next best thing is fucking over Dionysis’s aunt Ino
his only surviving aunt
pretty sure Hera already killed all the others

so what she does is she goes down to hades
and Cerberus is all like ARF x3
and sisyphus and ixion and tantalus are all chilling out downt here
and so are the furies
so Hera goes over to the furies
who are busy COMBING LIVE SNAKES OUT OF THEIR HAIR
their hair is not made out of snakes it seems
rather
they just have hygiene problems
anyway Hera is like DRIVE INO CRAZY
and the fury conveniently named MADNESS is all yeah ok
and then she flies over to ino’s crib
where she is chilling with her husband and 2 beautiful kids
and she is all like SNAKES SNAKES SNAKES
like snakes are crawling all over her body
and then she puts snakes on them
and then i guess they just stand there while she smears all this other shit on them
like hemlock and blood and smurfberries or whatever
and then BIG SURPRISE
they are crazy

so the first thing Ino’s husband does
is he just snatches his son out of Ino’s arms
and FLINGS HIM TOP SPEED INTO A WALL
WORLD WRESTLING FEDERATION STATUS
at which point Ino
who remember
is ALSO crazy
grabs her other kid
runs top speed out of her palace
and jumps off the nearest cliff
all like FUUUUUUCK THIIIIIISSSSSS

so but Venus kinda feels bad
because this is objectively shitty
so she’s like yo poseidon
remember when i just used to be some jizzfoam inside your kingdom?
i figure you owe me a favor because of that
so could you turn Ino and her kid into gods?
and Poseidon is like sure
but i’m gonna change their names and what they look like and everything
so really it’s just like i’m making some gods from scratch but whatever

but then Ino’s handmaidens don’t know this
they’re just standing on the cliff like FUCK
HERA MAYBE YOU TOOK YOUR ANGER A LITTLE TOO FAR HUH?
MAYBE YOU HAVE ANGER PROBLEMS?
and hera’s like I’LL TEACH YOU TO TELL ME I HAVE ANGER PROBLEMS
and she turns them to stone
yayyyyy

so the moral of the story
is just stay the FUCK away from Hera

THE END.

Cats Solve Every Problem

Posted on by
16

sorry to people who are still waiting on shirts
i am scrambling to get the crossdressing ones screenprinted
and also to make the other ones people ordered
they’re coming
keep your pants on
it would be silly for you to spend all this time waiting for your shirt
only to be pantsless when it arrives
shirtcocking is frowned upon everywhere
also hopefully I will have some exciting shit to announce in the next few days
oh and also I wrote something really silly for this website
go read it and then stick around and maybe read other things there?

anyway today’s myth was brought to my attention by Vigilante/DJ
Dick “REEEEEEEEEMIXXXX” Batman
MONTHS AGO
it is from france

okay so there’s a king right

i mean of COURSE there’s a fucking king
maybe I should just save some fucking pixels
and only let you guys know when there ISN’T a king
I’m pretty sure if you just traveled a hundred years into the past ANYWHERE
it’d be KINGS ALL THE WAY DOWN
but anyway yeah there’s this king
he’s thinking it might be time to stop being king
and maybe let one of his sons be king
but all three of his sons are SOOOO TALENTED AND HANDSOME
that traditional rites of succession just go out the window
and instead the king’s heir is determined by who can find him the tiniest dog
remember this is france we’re talking about

so all three of his kids are like what the fuck
a dog?
they sell those in stores
why are we doing this?
oh yeah
to be KINGS
so they all take off in opposite directions
as is the custom on stupid quests like these
and then we focus on the youngest son because that seems to be the done thing

so the youngest son comes up with a really clever strategy
which is just to buy EVERY DOG HE FUCKING SEES
he’s just marching from city to city
leading a parade of piss, barking, and rabies
probably with the idea that if he just buys EVERY DOG
his bros won’t be able to buy any and he’ll win by default
but oh shit
this fairytale has been going on for like HALF A PAGE
and no one is in the fucking woods yet
LET’S FIX THAT
ok so this guy is in the woods now
it’s raining and it sucks
all his dogs are gone because what the fuck did he expect
but all of a sudden he finds a castle
and he’s like holy shitbed
I gotta get into that castle
so he knocks on the door
and I’ll give you three guesses who answers the door
actually I don’t know why I would even do that
I can’t hear your guesses because we are on the internet
but anyway you guessed wrong
the answer is hands
hands answer the door
yes
just a swarm of cousin Its
but without the hair
and instead of a person they are just a hand
man that would have been a good addition to the Adams Family
oh well
anyway these things are all hovering around the portcullis
all suggestively curling their index fingers
and our hero has NO PROBLEM WITH THIS AT ALL
he doesn’t even have a problem with it when the hands take him inside and UNDRESS HIM
but i guess his trust is rewarded with some pimp attire
and then he gets lead to a bigass dinner table
and at the end of the table
there are CATS
playing INSTRUMENTS
guys I am sorry
I know you came here for a myth and not a fucking NOVELTY CALENDAR
MUSICAL CATS 2011-2012
and the prince is like damn am I high or something because this shit is UNREAL
and then a bunch of other cats come out
and one of them is like this smokin white tabby
WEARING PEOPLE CLOTHES
and then there are other ones CARRYING SWORDS SOMEHOW
CATS DON’T EVEN HAVE THUMBS
DID SOMEONE GLUE SWORDS TO THESE CATS?
CATS WITH WEAPONS GLUED TO THEM 2011-2012
ok that’s a calendar I would actually buy

anyway the cat is all welcome to my weird castle full of nothing but cats and hands
I know you probably don’t want to eat dead rats so lemme get you some tasty grub
and BAM
there is some tasty grub
the prince is feeling pretty swell now
and then he passes out
and he wakes up next morning and it is time to go hunting

so he gets all gussied up and he goes outside
but the only horse they have for him to ride is a wooden horse
which he is pretty pissed off about understandably
I mean if they hadn’t squandered their horse budget on all these floating hands
they might actually have had some decent animals
but eventually he feels bad so he gets on the horse
and then I guess he sits on it motionlessly for hours while everyone else hunts
because WOOD CANNOT GALLOP

but wood horse or no
the prince has a pretty great time at the castle
the time he has is so great that he TOTALLY FORGETS ABOUT THE DOG HE’S SPOSED TO FIND
and he’s like oh shit what now
I gotta be back home in three days and I am dogless
and the cat queen is like don’t worry
I have a walnut
and the prince is like NO TIME FOR WALNUTS I MUST FIND DOGS
and the cat is like dude
there is a dog in this walnut
and the prince is like
that is astonishingly unlikely
but he listens to the walnut
and he hears a fucking dog in there
so he’s like ALRIGHT
I GUESS I BELIEVE YOU
and then he gets on the wooden horse
which apparently CAN move
and he rides home
and on the way some uglyass dog starts following him i guess
because then he meets up with his bros and they make fun of him
for his mangy dog and his wooden horse
now I dunno about you
but if someone rode up to me on a fucking AMBULATORY WOODEN HORSE
i would not be like hahaha your horse is wooden asshole
because chances are that asshole is a WIZARD
and his horse is a WIZARD HORSE
but I guess these princes know their little brother isn’t a wizard so it’s safe

anyway they all go into the throne room and show the king their dogs
and of course the youngest prince opens up his walnut and his dog wins
because he used magic to cheat whereas his brothers actually worked hard
but then PLOT TWIST
turns out the king is a powerhungry asshole who doesn’t want to give up his crown
plus he figures he can keep milking his kids for bizarre shit
so he’s like uhhh
well
great job everyone
but I’m REALLY having a hard time deciding
so how about you guys go find me a piece of muslin so fine
that it can pass through the eye of a needle
muslin I’m guessing is a kind of fabric you use
if you want to sound like you know what you’re talking about
anyway OFF THEY GO

so this time the youngest prince doesn’t waste any time buying up dogs
he just goes straight to the cat castle
the catstle?
KITTY CASTLE 2011-2012
but so he goes up to the cat queen and is like hey baby
got any superfine muslin?
and the queen is like DO I?
HERE
TAKE THIS WALNUT
and the prince is like does everything here come in walnuts?
and the cat is like not everything
just plot devices

but anyway the prince gets back to the kingdom
and his bros have some pretty fine muslin
but then he is like PREPARE TO GET SHOWN THE FUCK UP
so he cracks his walnut
and inside is a hazelnut
and inside that is a cherry pit
and inside that is a grain of wheat
and inside of that is a millet seed
and the prince is like what the fuck cat
did you spend decades genetically engineering a tree just to fuck with me?
is there a secret grove somewhere
just full of fuckyou trees?
but no
he cracks open the millet seed and inside is A WHOLE BUNCH OF MEGAFINE MUSLIN
it passes through all the needles
EVERY NEEDLE
but hey guess what
the king is still a powerhungry jackass
so he’s like HMM STILL DON’T WANNA NOT BE KING
HOW ABOUT WHOEVER BRINGS BACK THE HOTTEST CHICK GETS TO BE KING
MAYBE

so the prince is like man fuck this
and he goes and rides back to the cat
not even to get a princess
just to complain about what a dick his dad is being
and the cat is like pshaw son
i will get you the sexinest princess of all time
all you gotta do
is cut off my head and also my tail
then set them on fire
and the prince is like WHAT!!?
WHAAAAATTTTT?!?!?!
ok
so he cuts off her head and her tail and sets them on fire
and WHABAM
now she’s a FUCKING HOT AS HELL PRINCESS
because apparently she was raised by fairies
but then they got pissed off because she wanted to fuck some prince
(who coincidentally looked EXACTLY LIKE THIS PRINCE LOOKS)
instead of the king of the dwarves
who is the dude they WANTED her to marry
although I the dwarfking was really even interested
unless her vag was made of gold
but anyway then they go back to the kingdom
and the king is like aw man I don’t wanna be not king anymore
and the princess is like dude it’s fine
I’m so fucking rich
KINGDOMS FOR EVERYBODY
so the two older sons get kingdoms
and then there are still THREE FUCKING KINGDOMS left over for the youngest and her
which sort of begs the question
why did she not just buy herself an army of catwhores and cocaine
and forget all about curses and princes and whatever
but anyway everyone seems happy so that’s ok

so the moral of the story is
it’s totally cool to fuck animals
as long as you decapitate them first

the end.

Deucalion and Pyrrha Get Pranked

Posted on by
4

holy shit I can’t believe I haven’t done this one already

like seriously I searched through the archives a bunch of times
I even tried searching with all the words misspelled
but no
I haven’t done this one
SO LET’S DO THIS

okay so there’s basically a whole bunch of ages of humanity you don’t know about
the first one was the golden age
golden age is kind of a misnomer
it prolly should have been called
the age where there is milk and honey instead of water
and no wars and no judges or money or farming or whatever
but that name is pretty long i guess so they went with golden age
even though no one has any gold
that comes later
so then there’s the silver age
which happens after Zeus explodes his dad
and then there are seasons and shit
and prometheus makes all the dudes somehow
and it’s a total sausage fest but that’s ok because stuff is still pretty sweet
but oh shit
those silver age dudes have to go and fuck up
and bang all these nymphs they found
and make babies
and OH SHIT NOW IT’S BRONZE AGE TIME
YOU THOUGHT BRONZE AGE WAS A PERIOD OF HISTORY CHARACTERIZED BY THE USE OF BRONZE?
THINK AGAIN MOTHERFUCKERS
THE BRONZE AGE WAS THE AGE WHERE EVERYONE FUCKED EACH OTHER OVER AND SHAT SADNESS
actually the bronze age in history is pretty much like that too right?
but anyway that is NOT WHAT WE ARE TALKING ABOUT
and then pretty quick after that is the iron age
i don’t know what the real difference is other than i guess the iron age sucks more
again
nothing to do with history
but at this point zeus wakes up from a thousand year pansexual orgy and is like WHOA
FUCK YOU GUYS WHAT DID YOU DO
WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE WHAT ARE THEY DOING IN MY WORLD
man i really gotta stop drinking

so Zeus gets a breakfast burrito and sobers up a little bit
but i guess he doesn’t sober ALL THE WAY up
because the next thing he does is be like WELP
GUESS I BETTER FLOOD EVERYTHING
FLOODING:
highly recommended by gods EVERYWHERE
but then he sobers all the way up and he’s like OHHHH FUCKKKKK
WHERE DID ALL THE PEOPLE GO WHY IS THERE WATER EVERYWHERE
HEY POSEIDON?
and Poseidon is like yeah?
and Zeus is like DID I CALL YOU UP EARLIER AND TELL YOU TO HELP ME FLOOD EVERYTHING
and Poseidon is like yeah you sounded real pissed
and Zeus is like I WAS DRUNK BUDDY YOU GOTTA NOT LISTEN TO ME WHEN I DRUNK DIAL YOU
OKAY DAMAGE CONTROL
CAN WE FIX THIS?
and Poseidon is like well we can get rid of the water but like
the people are still gonna be dead
and Zeus is like oh yeah whatever
people?
psh
who needs people when I have WHORES
and Poseidon is like dude
those whores you’ve been sleeping with were totally people
and Zeus is like AW FUCK THIS IS TERRIBLE
ARE THERE ANY PEOPLE LEFT?
and Poseidon is like yeah there’s a couple over by that mountain over there
but they’re married
and they’re pretty virtuous or whatever
and Zeus is like AW BALLS
CAN WE MAKE MORE PEOPLE?
and Poseidon is like well i think people can make other people
should we go get them to fuck or something?
and Zeus is like hm
nah
I’m sure the Oracle at Delphi will take care of it
i’ve got a list of chicks I haven’t fucked yet and I wanna go check off a couple

SO CUT TO EARTH
those two people I mentioned? Their names are Deucalion and Pyrrha
and they are super virtuous like i said
and they’re hanging out on earth like oh shit
we are the last people
also everything is covered in mud
that certainly sucks
sooooo
should we fuck?
nah
let’s ask the oracle at Delphi about it
I’m sure she’ll handle the problem

so they go to the oracle and the oracle is like OKAY
HERE’S WHAT YOU DO
TAKE YOUR MOTHER’S BONES
THROW THAT SHIT FUCKING EVERYWHERE
and Pyrrha is like whoa
whoa now
what?
and the Oracle is like YOU HEARD ME BITCH
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT
I’M THE MOTHERFUCKING ORACLE
YOU CHOSE TO ASK ME THIS QUESTION KNOWING FULL WELL HOW YOUR GENITALS WORK
SO I GET TO SAY WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT AND YOU JUST GOTTA DEAL WITH IT

so Pyrrha is freaking the fuck out
cause she kind of liked her mom
plus where is she gonna find her bones
the world just flooded
they could be anywhere
and Deucalion is like whoa ok chill out
the Oracle couldn’t possibly have meant our actual mothers’ bones
it’s not like the Oracle constantly gives terrible advice
probably she meant our mother THE EARTH
and by bones she meant ROCKS
OF COURSE HOW COULD WE HAVE BEEN SO STUPID AS TO TAKE THE ORACLE AT HER WORD
so they start dancing around chucking rocks over their shoulders
and the rocks turn into people
the rocks the dude throws turn into dudes
and the chick’s rocks turn into chicks
and then the earth gets warmed up by the sun and has all these weird swampbabies
like this giant snake Apollo kills
but whatever at least humanity isn’t extinct

so the moral of the story is
don’t throw rocks
if you’re not ready to be a parent

THE END