So up until this point
I was really not enjoying Paradise Lost
BUT JOHN MILTON DISCOVERED MY ONLY WEAKNESS:
OLDE TIMEY FOLKS TALKIN BOUT SEX
HERE WE GOOOOOOOO:
DO YOU HAVE A BONER NOW
BECAUSE IF SO
I NEED YOU TO POINT IT AWAY FROM YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN
IT IS MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE
Many thanks to marauding mancrusher Massacre McMurderstein
for monetarily mandating this majestic myth
MMMMLETS BEGIN
Okay so i’m pretty sure you guys know about Robin Hood right?
he’s that fox from that Disney movie about thieves
his best pal is an obese bear
you remember
good
wait shit okay actually apparently robin hood is not a sweet talking animal
turns out he is just some dude?
actually not just any dude
A MOTHERFUCKING EARL
and he is not just any motherfucking earl either
he is an earl who FUCKS OVER RICH DUDES
and then gives all their cash monies to the poor
HEY ROBIN HOOD
AREN’T YOU A RICH DUDE TOO?
ISN’T THERE SOME KIND OF A CONFLICT OF INTEREST GOING ON HERE?
but we’ll get to that later
right now what is important
is Robin Hood is boning the SHIT out of this chick Maid Marian
or Maid Marion i guess depending on who you ask
but shut the fuck up no one asked you
anyway yeah Robin and Miss Marian are doing it ALL the ways
like seriously in the ballad I just read
it is like
IN EVERY PLACE
THEY KINDLY EMBRACE
which is olde-timey codespeak for THEY PROBABLY FUCKED ON YOUR KITCHEN COUNTER
but then Robin Hood’s wealthy hypocrisy finally catches up with him
and he actually has to run away and be poor in the woods
leaving maid marian with no dude whose booty she can call upon
so Maid Marian is chilling out in her palace like FUCK
HOW AM I GOING TO FULFILLY MY DAILY DICK QUOTA NOW
NOT COOL
so she decides to go find Robin Hood and force him to restart the boner fiesta
WITH VIOLENCE IF NECESSARY
so to that end
Marian duct tapes her duckies down and puts on a page’s uniform
jacks a sword and a bow and some arrows and some landmines from the armory
and decides to just go wander around Sherwood forest til she finds robin hood
ARMED TO THE FUCKING TEETH
so Maid Marian is running around in the forest
and so is Robin Hood actually
because that is where he FUCKING LIVES
but i mean
he’s a goddamn fugitive
do you really think he’s going to walk around the woods
wearing a sign that says HEY DUDES I AM ROBIN HOOD WHATS UP
NO YOU IDIOT
HE IS GOING TO WALK AROUND WITH A FAKE MUSTACHE AND A BALD CAP OR SOMETHING
DOING A REALLY SHITTY FRENCH ACCENT AND AGRESSIVELY HAVING NO IDEA WHO ROBIN HOOD IS
so Maid Marian is walking around pretending to be a dude
and Robin Hood is walking around pretending to be an ignorant mustachioed frenchman
and pretty soon they bump into each other
and Maid Marian is like WHOA WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU
and Robin Hood is like WHO THE FUCK IS ROBIN HOOD
and Maid Marian is like NOW WE MUST FIGHT
and Robin Hood is like HIYAAAAA BITCH
so they start trying to chop off each others’ body parts
and they wound each other pretty fucking bad
until Robin Hood is like WHOA
BRO
HOLD ON
how about instead of murdering me you come join my band of thieves?
and Maid Marian is like oh fuck
you’re robin hood aren’t you?
and Robin hood is like oh shit what happened did my mustache fall off?
and Maid Marian is like TAKE ME NOW
and then they bang so hard that all the woodland creatures catch on fire
so the moral of the story
is if your man leaves you
the most intelligent course of action
is to come after him with a sword
trust me you won’t regret this
THE END
JUST KIDDING HERE IS SOME MORE GLEEFUL BLASPHEMY
Although actually
does it count as blasphemy
when what i am blaspheming
is some other dude’s apocryphal nonsense book?
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
[I don’t think I offended anyone with this, which i guess proves how chill you guys are who read my blog. Just wanna make it clear that I am not a dude who hates on the Jesus thing. I only take issue with a very specific expression of the Jesus thing. Happy April Fool’s]
Dear misguided followers of this wretched abomination in the eyes of THE LORD,
In the process of researching my upcoming tirade against the book of Revelations, I have come across incontrovertible proof that Jesus is LORD, and through him is the only way to salvation. I have accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as my personal Savior, and I renounce and beg forgiveness for all my past sins. I have used The Lord’s name in vain more times than I can count, and worse words besides. I have made light of the word of the Lord Our God, the Holy Bible. I have treated these godless pagan religions as if they deserve as much recognition as the direct word of Our Heavenly Father. I cannot forgive myself for what I have done. But Jesus Christ, in his infinite heavenly love, has forgiven me. And he can forgive you, too. Please, I urge you all to repent now, before it’s too late. Perhaps you have seen the billboards around Los Angeles, in which case you know: Judgement day is May 21, 2011. There’s not much time left to repent. I intend to spend the coming weeks in prayer and solidarity with my fellow Christians. I suggest you do the same. I am leaving this website up as proof of the depths to which I once sank, and of the holy redemption that it is His to give. As The Bible says,
“Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not on thy own understanding.”
(Proverbs, 3:5)
God Bless,
Ovid Naso
Okay wow
so when last we left our egyptian retard brigade
Horus had just got born
and he and his mom Isis were hanging out in a swamp with some angry scorpions
EVERYTHING WAS AS IT SHOULD BE
anyway so Horus grows up
and Isis is like hey son
remember that asshole Set who you are destined to beat the shit out of?
and Horus is like yeah i mean
you never fucking stop talking about him
and also
HE TURNED INTO A SNAKE AND POISONED ME TO DEATH WHEN I WAS A BABY
THAT TENDS TO MAKE PEOPLE MEMORABLE TO ME WHEN THEY DO THAT
and Isis is like fuck chill out
look the point is you’ve had plenty of time to dick around
why haven’t you killed Set yet
and Horus is like FINE WHATEVER I’LL DO IT ALREADY
HEY SET I’M BOUT TO KILL YOU GET READY
so set shows up like OH NO YOU DIDN’T
and Horus is like HOLD STILL FOR A SECOND LET ME STAB YOUR FACE
and Isis is like OH FUCK WAIT
I SUDDENLY DON’T WANT THIS TO HAPPEN FOR SOME REASON
MAYBE BECAUSE SET IS MY BROTHER
and Horus is like FUCK YOU MOM and tries to break her legs
but then she stabs him instead
and Set gets away
and Horus is like ok wow
seriously?
just wow
but Isis heals him later so it’s fine
wait what am i talking about
it’s not fine at all
because now Set is thinking as HARD AS HE CAN about how fuck over Horus
and he comes up with an AMAZING PLAN
he’s like I KNOW
I will use my SEMEN to solve this problem
HEY HORUS WHAT’S UP WANNA HAVE SEX?
and Horus is like well normally i would say no
but today i am an idiot so ok sure
and they have a bunch of sweaty buttsex
but then right at the crucial moment
Horus uses his lightning reflexes to AUTOPARRY ALL OF SET’S MANBATTER
he just jams his hand down and BLOCKS ALL THE FUNBUTTER
because apparently it’s not gay if the jizz stays outside your butt
so then he’s got a handful of manana cream pie
and he’s like eww what am i going to do with this
I KNOW
I’LL THROW IT IN A RIVER
and thus invents handwashing and pollution SIMULTANEOUSLY
so now HORUS is thinking about how to fuck over Set
and he’s like hm
apparently the name of the game
is “get your semen inside of the other guy’s body”
i don’t make the rules
i just jizz in dudes’ mouths
let’s make this happen
so he sneaks into set’s crib and jerks off in his salad
and then Set eats the salad and Horus is like HAHA GAYWAD YOU JUST ATE MY SPOOGE
is it just me or is spooge the single least attractive synonym for dickglue
anyway Set is like BULLSHIT
LET’S GO BEFORE THE REST OF THE GODS AND NEEDLESSLY AIR OUR DIRTY LAUNDRY
IN HOPES OF DETERMINING SUPERIORITY
so they call together the other gods
and Set is like guys
I totally jizzed in Horus’s butt
that means i’m better than him right?
and Horus is like you didn’t jizz in my butt what are you talking about
go ahead and call for your sperm
see where they’re at
yeah apparently these dudes keep in touch with all their sperm
shit
talk about being a devoted father
anyway Set is like FINE
OHHH SPERRMMMMMMM
and the sperm is like HERE WE ARE
IN THE RIVER
and Set is like dammit Horus
did you block my cock
and Horus is like not only did I block your cock
I DEFEATED YOUR MEAT
and also?
FOOLED YOUR TOOL
and Set is like enough of that nonsense
and Horus is like hold on lemme find out where my sperm is at real quick
OHHH SPERRMMMMM
and the sperm is like HERE WE ARE
IN SET’S STOMACH
and Set is like FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
and everyone else is like wow
this is astonishingly stupid
how about we settle this pissing contest with a reasonable competition
like a boat race
except the boats are made of stone
PERFECT
so Set and Horus get their boats ready
but Horus has a secret
which is that his boat is actually MADE OF WOOD
it’s just painted to look like stone
which raises a couple of questions:
first of all
why didn’t anyone check to see if Horus’s boat was actually made of stone
and second of all
since they didn’t
WHY DID SET NOT DO THIS?
DOES HE NOT REALIZE THAT STONE IS THE WORST THING TO MAKE BOATS OUT OF?
I mean maybe he thinks they are trying to race to the bottom of the lake
in which case i understand
either that or he’s SCRUPULOUSLY HONEST
but we’re talking about the guy who ate some dude’s balls and then poisoned his baby
so i feel like honesty is not top of his priority list
but anyway they have the race and Set’s boat sinks
OBVIOUSLY
and Horus wins
and as a result he gets to be king of egypt
and Set has to be his bitch forever
so the moral of the story
is next time you are jockeying for a sweet promotion at your office
consider jizzing in your co-workers’ food
just make sure to also brush up on your boatracing skills
because you never know
the end.
I was going to type something
but then it turned into 4AM
and via the magic alchemy of sleep deprivation
I now have NOTHING TO SAY
ENJOY
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
holy shit what is going on in the Ozarks
see there is this old chick right
her name is old betty
which is appropriate
because of how old she is
I think I’m gonna name all my future kids Old
because then it is GUARANTEED TO BE ACCURATE EVENTUALLY
unless they get fucked to death in their teens by a bison or something
but i mean you can’t think of everything right?
anyway Old Betty is supposed to be a super great conjurer or whatever
like she’s got all these potions and shit
and like special herbs and other varieties of who-gives-a-shit
she sells all this shit in town and I have no idea who the fuck buys it
but anyway that’s not the point
the point is she has a pet pig
who the fuck keeps a pig as a pet
pigs are good for two things
bacon
and crispy bacon
if I had a pig roaming around my house the temptation would just be TOO GREAT
but apparently Old Betty is a vegetarian or some shit
because she keeps this pig around for YEARS
and gives him a shitty name:
Raw Head
what?
LISTEN BITCH
EVERYONE’S HEAD IS RAW
BECAUSE PEOPLE DO NOT REGULARLY GET THEIR HEADS COOKED WHILE THEY ARE ALIVE
WHY DIDN’T YOU JUST CALL HIM
BREATHING LUNGS
OR
PIG WITH OXYGENATED BLOOD
anyway the pig eats a bunch of her magic spells
because it’s an unruly pig that gets into fucking everything
and so he starts walking around and making wisecracks and shit
which is even more reason to eat him but whatever
anyway one day Old Betty comes into town to sell her mystical bullshit
but HER PIG IS NOT WITH HER
and everyone is used to seeing the crazy witch with the uglyass pig pal
so they’re like hey where the fuck is your pig
and she’s like I DUNNO
but PLOT TWIST
Old Betty uses her crystal ball to figure out what happened to her pig
turns out some shitty poacher just fucking KILLED THAT LITTLE FUCKER
because apparently he is too much of a pussy to poach real shit
like rhinos and elephants and dragons
so he just runs around murdering STRAY FARM ANIMALS
anyway Old Betty gets pretty understandably pissed
so she’s like OH I KNOW
I WILL USE MAGICS
so she conjures some mystical lightning
while yelling about bloody bones
and basically the upshot of all this is that Raw Head’s head comes back to life
and then animates his old bloody bones
and gets up on his hind legs and starts running after the shitty poacher
and chases him down at his farm
or house
or whatever the fuck people live in in the ozarks
and just pulls off some classic horror movie shit
what with the standing in the shadows and breathing in a threatening manner
while the poacher stupidly assumes it is some neighborhood kid playing pranks
and then eventually he gets murdered
because guess what
IT IS STUPID TO IGNORE SKELETAL INTRUDERS ON YOUR FARM
so yeah he dies
and Old Betty is placated
and the moral of the story is
if you wanna kill pigs
be a pig farmer
you get free bacon
and you don’t get chased down by magic demon zombie hogs
usually
THE END
Okay so quick disclaimer
I know you all want to see my sweet new skulls and explosions hat
but some asshole stole it from me at a party in San Francisco
BUT
one of my friends in Oakland GOT IT BACK FOR ME
THAT’LL TEACH YOU TO WEAR MY POSSESSIONS TO THE PARTIES YOU STOLE THEM FROM
FUCKER
and so it is in the mail right now
but in the meantime you are going to have to deal with this hat:
DEAL WITH IT
DEAL WITH IT
Fuck you guys it’s greek myth time
So there’s this chick telethusa
which sounds like the name of some cthonian internet service provider
and she is married to some asshole who got her knocked up
and one day he calls her over like hey honey
umm
i hate to say this
but if you squirt a girlchild out of your womb I am going to have to kill it
goddd this is soooo awkward
and Telethusa is like NO SHIT DICKWEED
but actually she stops halfway through the sentence because of UNBEARABLE LABOR PAIN
cuz see here’s the problem
Telethusa is pretty sure she is gonna have a girl
so basically her husband just walked up to her like GONNA MURDER YOUR BABBY LOL
but it’s ok
because then she passes out
and pretty much the ENTIRE EGYPTIAN PANTHEON shows up
seriously
Osiris is there
and Anubis also
now i know what you’re thinking
WAAH I THOUGHT THIS WAS A GREEK MYTH
shut up asshole
look it’s fine
Io is also there
and Harpocrates
who is basically just the stolen Greek version of Horus
so that’s sort of a compromise
basically i have no idea what the fuck Ovid thinks he’s doing right now
but anyway io is like hey Telethusa
chill out
your babby’s gonna be fine
I guarantee it
and then immediately the baby is like FUCK THIS I’M OUT OF HERE
and Telethusa is like OW MY PELVIS
AND A BABBY IS BORN
so Telethusa’s husband comes in like hey is that a girl or a boy there
remember
if it is a girl i am going to kill it
so answer carefully
and Telethusa is like TOTALLY JUST GAVE BIRTH TO A MAN
and her husband is like SWEET
WON’T EVEN BOTHER TO CHECK
guys this is like when i came across the border from Oregon into California
and they were like hey do you have any foreign fruits or vegetables or anything
and i was like nope
and they were like EXCELLENT
WELCOME TO CALIFORNIA
and then me and my mobile marijuana farm/killer bee hatchery
rolled right across the border unmolested
THAT IS WHAT THIS IS LIKE
WHAT A SHITTY SYSTEM
anyway Telethusa has to commit to this lie pretty hard
so she raises her little girl
(who her husband names Iphis btw)
as THE ULTIMATE MAN
and by the ultimate man i mean a little girl dressed up as a little boy
anyway Iphis is pretty good looking or whatever
and so this chick Ianthe totally falls in love with her
thinking she is a dude
and the feelings are totally mutual
except Iphis is totally aware of her pesky vagina
actively cockblocking all possible marital funtimes
although i guess cockblocking is a wrong word
because there are no cocks involved
and in fact the acute cock deficit is the root of the problem
maybe cocklacking?
i think i want to stop using the word cockblock altogether
in favor of meatdefeat
but that’s another issue entirely
anyway Iphis spends a lot of time bitching about how unnatural her love is
like she actually has the proverbial balls to claim
that what she wants to do to Ianthe is worse than when that chick fucked that bull
and then gave birth to a MAN-EATING WERECOW
then she briefly entertains the idea
of contracting daedalus to make her a wax strapon
then she’s like no that’s stupid
how about I whine to the gods about it
OR HOW ABOUT YOU INVENT SCISSORING YOU DUMB BITCH
but anyway she’s like yeah hey egyptian gods and also Io
and also some other greek god who is actually a stolen egyptian god
remember how you told my mom you would totally hook me up
well now would be the time to do that
and BAM
INSTANT DONG
and then she (he?) goes and bangs the shit out of Ianthe
thus proving once and for all
that if god is actively hindering your same sex sexytimes
you are clearly praying to the wrong gods
because real pantheons bestow PENISES
THE END
Irrationally exuberant gratitude
to world facepunch champion Ulric Hammers
for giving me monetary motivation to tell this myth about fire and idiots
also i will totally update the smorgasbord page on Sunday i am sorry i am so lazy
also i just woke up from a 3 day bender somewhere on the west coast
and found out people have given me INTERNET BILLIONS
to do a video retelling of PARADISE MOTHERFUCKING LOST
so that’s happening as soon as my hangover clears up
BUT FOR NOW HERE IS THE FIRE/IDIOTS FIASCO:
okay so there’s these birds right
one of them is called the Dziu
but actually it is just a cuckoo with a fancy name
and also SUPER fancy feathers
like this dude is the flava flav of having stupid amounts of radical plumage
and he is also a super helpful motherfucker
always first in line for all the retardedly dangerous missions
so one day Yuum Chaac
who is the god of water and agriculture and unnecessary vowels
is like holy shit
all of the crops are failing pretty much AS HARD AS POSSIBLE
we seriously can’t plant any more fucking crops this is ridiculous
how do we solve this
oh I know lemme pawn off my job on some BIRDS
HEY BIRDS
so the birds all show up like tweet tweet sup
and Yuum Chaac is like hey bros so here is what is going to happen
i am gonna get my buddy Kak to set EVERYTHING ON FIRE
and the birds are like wait
what
and Yuum Chaac is like trust me this is the best way to go about this
and the birds are like ok well what the fuck do we know we’re just some fucking birds
and Yuum Chaac is like damn right
so what i need you to do
is fly around and grab AS MANY SEEDS AS POSSIBLE
so we can plant crops in all the ashes everywhere once we’re done burning shit
and the Dziu
who is an overachieving little twatbird
is like OOH OOH ME FIRST
and shows up WAY FUCKING EARLY
and grabs more seeds than ANYONE ELSE
but then obviously gets tired
and is like hey gods can i get a rest right quick
and the gods are like sure dude no problem
and all the other birds are like wait why the fuck does he get to rest
we are going to rest EXACTLY AS HARD AS THAT DUDE RIGHT NOW
and then nobody is collecting seeds
which would be fine
except Kak went ahead and set everything on fire HOURS AGO
i guess cause he got bored?
and so now fire is coming from all sides and Yuum Chaac is like oh fuck
i guess maybe i should have made plans
but instead of using any water god powers or anything
he is like HEY CUCKOO BIRD FUCKING SAVE ALL THE CORNSEEDS
and that bird is like YESSIR
and just dives straight into the fire
horribly mutilating himself in the process
but getting a ton of seeds
and also probably some really shitty popcorn
and all his pimp-ass feathers are burned right the fuck off
and his eyes are all red
and everyone is like ewww what the fuck
and Yuum Chaac is like SHUT UP ALL OF YOU
FROM NOW ON YOU GUYS ALL HAVE TO RAISE THIS DUDE’S KIDS FOR HIM
and the birds are like whaaat
well shit i guess it’s better than having to dive into fire
but then it turns out that it is actually worse
because according to science
these uglyass birds have a habit of pushing ALL THE OTHER BABY BIRDS OUT THE NEST
so way to go birds
way to sacrifice all your future offspring to this mutilated piece of shit
so i guess the moral of the story
is try to dive into a lot of fires
because then your babies get to push other babies out of trees
THE END