Quick announcement my friends:
I am still going to post all the Arthurian myths
that have been requested thus far
but i’m not going to be taking any more arthurian requests
cuz i am working on some secret special project nonsense now
EXCITING
(I will still take requests for other shit though just to be clear)

Alright so when last we left our heroes

Percival was a retard
Lancelot was a masochist
Galahad was the chosen one
and Bors was less important than everyone else
EXCELLENT
SHALL WE CONTINUE?
YES

so Lancelot gets back to camelot
and Arthur is like whoa fuck
welcome back dude
let’s have a feast
but Sir Kay busts into the room like NOT SO FAST ASSHOLE
ONE TIME WHEN YOU WERE SUPER DRUNK
YOU MADE A PLEDGE
THAT YOU WOULD NEVER EAT DINNER ON SUNDAY
UNTIL YOU HAD SOME KIND OF LUDICROUS ADVENTURE
and Arthur is like oh fuck
guess we can’t eat because of my shortsighted drunken oath

but then RIGHT ON CUE
here comes some dude like hey guys
a bigass stone just appeared in the moat
AND GUESS WHAT
it has a SWORD in it
did merlin do this?
seems like his M.O.
fuck no merlin hasn’t gone anywhere near these assholes in YEARS
he’s off getting his dick sucked by pterodactyls in the prehistoric or some shit
who knows
he’s merlin
he does what he wants

anyway they all go out to see this sword
and there is a big plaque on it
like HEY ONLY THE BEST KNIGHT EVER CAN PULL ME OUT
PS IF YOU TRY TO PULL ME OUT AND FAIL
IMA STAB YOU LATER
so Arthur is like hey lancelot
you’re the best knight ever right?
go pull out this sword
and Lancelot is like fuck no
I have a REALLY ABYSMAL SELF IMAGE
also i don’t want to get stabbed
and Arthur is like shit well if Lancelot can’t do it
then no one can
hey Gawain see if you can do it
and Gawain
who has a habit of agreeing to EVERY SHITTY PROPOSITION
is like yeah sure
and he tries
and predictably fails
and arthur is like BALLS
now you’re gonna get stabbed dude
…
hey percival try and pull out the sword
and Percival is like DUR OK
and he ALSO fails
and arthur is like DOUBLE BALLS
ok well this counts as an adventure let’s have dinner

but no sooner do they start having dinner
then BAM Galahad shows up
and oh yeah i forgot to tell you
there’s this seat at the round table
that no one is allowed to sit at
because if you sit in it it sets you on fire
dunno why they keep it around honestly
but anyway when galahad shows up the chair is like HEY GALAHAD SIT ON ME
BEEN WAITING FOR YOU A LONG TIME BUDDY
so galahad sits right there
smack dab next to his absentee father actually
and then not only that but suddenly THE GRAIL SHOWS UP
GUYS WHY ARE THEY EVEN LOOKING FOR THIS THING IT IS JUST FOLLOWING THEM AROUND
and it gives everyone their favorite food
and then leaves
and Gawain
who of all the knights of the round table
is the dude who knows how to party the hardiest
is like DUDES
WE TOTALLY GOTTA GET THIS FUCKING GRAIL
OUR FEASTS WILL BE THE BOMB DIGGITY
and everyone is like shit yeah let’s do this
and Arthur is like no wait guys don’t leave me alone aww
well at least hang out long enough for Galahad to try drawing that sword
you know
from that stone?
and Galahad is like oh yeah i kinda know all about that shit
i actually brought a scabbard for it
no sword just a scabbard
i’m Galahad
you are going to have to get used to this kind of behavior from me
and he goes outside and takes the sword
and it is not very exciting at all
and then arthur is like shit well that was a buzzkill
HEY GUYS LET’S HAVE A TOURNAMENT
and Galahad refuses to wear a shield for some stupid reason
and then just straight handles everyone
all the way to the ground
except for Percival and Lancelot who just stay the fuck away
and Arthur is like well that was boring
alright guys I guess it’s grailtime
man i’m gonna be so lonely
PS pretty sure most of you are going to die on this quest
so uh
bye?

so then Galahad suits up and heads out
still without a shield
and pretty soon he comes across some monastery or something
and he is kind of tired
or at least his horse is tired
Galahad doesn’t get tired
he just gets progressively more perfect
anyway he goes into the monastery
and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
TWO OTHER KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE ARE THERE
including world champion stupid-name-haver
sir Bagdemagus
and Galahad is like hey guys what are you doing here
and Bagdemagus is like DUDE THERE IS THIS SWEET SHIELD HERE
EVERYONE WHO WEARS IT EITHER DIES OR GETS MAIMED
TOTALLY GONNA WEAR IT
so the monks show them the shield
and they are like dudes
if you are not the best knight ever
this shield is just gonna rain a whole world of pain on you
and Bagdemagus is like WELL I OBJECTIVELY KNOW
THAT I AM NOT THE BEST KNIGHT EVER
STUDIES HAVE SHOWN THIS
BUT FUCK IT I’MA WEAR IT ANYWAY
and Galahad is like ok dude i’ll just wait here
you know
for your corpse to get brought back and then i’ll take the shield
cause it’s mine
i mean duh that’s why i’m not wearing a shield
and Bagdemagus is like ARRIGHT DUDE SEE YOU IN A BIT

so Baggy-d gets like ten feet outside the monastery when a knight shows up
like HEY ASSHOLE LET’S FIGHT
as you do
and then IMMEDIATELY RUINS BAGGY’S SHIT
and is like dude that shield really clashes with your EVERYTHING
go give it to Galahad
and then Galahad is like alright well that was predictable
and Bagdemagus is like ERK DYING

CUT TO LANCELOT AND PERCIVAL
they’re just wandering through the woods
suddenly Galahad shows up
but
true to custom
no one knows who anyone else is
so they all start trying to beat the shit out of each other
except galahad doesn’t try
he just succeeds
and he hits Percival in the head real hard with his sword in the process
PROPHECY
FULFILLED
and then some hermit shows up like hey lancelot you kinda suck now huh
and then Galahad gets the fuck out of there
and Lancelot goes off to cry alone in the forest

so he’s in the forest
he passes out
some dude comes and steals his armor while he’s asleep
he goes to confession to try and convince god to give it back
and god gives it back
but then lancelot just proceeds to get unhorsed
again and again
by progressively less skilled knights
until he starts to feel REALLY shitty
guess god has a new favorite dude now?

MEANWHILE PERCIVAL
he is walking off his galahad induced concussion
when he finds a boat covered in black silk
his evil alarm should be going off at this point
but it is not
because remember
he is an idiot
so he gets on the boat and there’s a chick there
and she’s like hey Percival wanna fuck?
and Percival is like only if you get me drunk first
so she does
but then at the last second he remembers that Jesus hates sexytimes
and he crosses himself
AND THE WHOLE BOAT EXPLODES
CONVENIENT
and then the chick turns into a witch and is like DAMN YOUUUU
and flies away
at which point a WHITE boat shows up
and percival is like ok well this seems safe
and he gets on THAT boat and it sails away
guys if I were an evil witch
i would probably set myself up in a white boat
because no one seems to suspect white boats of ANYTHING
anyway then a few minutes later Sir Bors finds that same boat
as a result of his shitty god-trials
and he’s like oh shit hey percival what’s good
and Percival is like
EVERYTHING

Meanwhile Galahad is riding through the woods
winning at all things ever
seriously
this dude wins at so many things in such a short period of time
not even MALORY bothers to say what they were
and Malory fucking talks exhaustively about EVERYTHING
i mean normally Lancelot can’t even scratch his fucking balls
without Malory composing an eight page long sentence about it
but somehow Galahad manages to bore EVERYONE
WITH THE SHEER MAGNITUDE OF HIS SUCCESS
so after he does this for a while
he rolls up on a castle
and he sees a bunch of knights hanging out outside
I guess siegeing the fuck out of it?
it is not clear from the information given what they are actually doing there
anyway Galahad sees all these dudes and is like WELP
GUESS I BETTER HIT THEM WITH SWORDS
so he rides by
and he smacks some guys off their horses
and then swordslaps some asshole in the helmet REALLY HARD
and that asshole?
HE IS SIR GAWAIN
BOOM
PROPHECY
DOUBLE-FULFILLED
and then Galahad rides away before anyone can figure out what’s happening
so basically
Galahad’s main role so far
has been to show up just long enough to seriously wound his sworn comrades
then ride away as fast as he can
SPORTING AS FUCK
anyway then he finds that white boat the other dudes are on
also Percival’s sister shows up
she’s like yo percival what’s good
and Percival is like
AS I WAS JUST TELLING MY PAL BORS:
EVERYTHING

so the boat just starts magically taking them somewhere
and they land next to a castle
and some knights come out like
HEY
WELCOME TO SHITTY CASTLE
I SEE YOU HAVE A WOMAN
GONNA NEED HER BLOOD REAL QUICK
and the three knights are like aw hell no
and proceed to murder the fuck out of all the other dudes
ALL DAY
until the dudes from the castle are like ok
we get it
you are great at killing
we still need that blood though
seriously we have a chick in here that is dying
she needs virgin blood all over her face
and Percival’s sister is like fuck it whatever
and Percival is like SIS
THAT IS GOING TO KILL YOU
and Percival’s sister is like dude look
it’s either this or go back home and embroider for the rest of my shitty life
this right here
this is the most metal way that I can hope to die
i’m going for it
so she does
and then probably her blood fails to heal the other chick
BECAUSE THAT IS NOT HOW MEDICINE WORKS
PEOPLE ARE NOT VAMPIRES

anyway then they drag Percival’s sister’s body back onto the boat
and the boat sails them to some castle where the grail is
and they staple a note to her boob for Lancelot to find later
and they go inside to check out this grail shit

MEANWHILE LANCELOT STAYS FAILING
but i guess he finally abuses himself enough
by wearing an uncomfortable shirt and repeatedly apologizing to god
that god is finally like UGH SHUT UP FINE
and the boat shows up with the dead chick in it
and Lancelot climbs aboard and finds the note
like lol we found the grail tough tits lancelot
and he’s like aw damn
maybe i can still make it in time to see the grail a little?
so the boat takes him to the same castle
and he climbs out and he goes to the door
and there are some lions but they aren’t really a problem
and he gets to the door to the hall where everyone is chilling with the grail
BUT HE CAN’T GO INSIDE
THERE IS A SWORD AND IT IS LIKE NO LANCELOT FUCK YOU
and Lancelot is like dammit sword
at least move out of the way so i can see the grail a little bit
I am trying to get a good photo for my vacation slide show
and the sword is like HOW ABOUT INSTEAD I KNOCK YOU OUT FOR A MONTH
and lancelot is like well that works too i guess
and he wakes up a month later and goes home
and makes more sex mistakes with Guenevere

MEANWHILE Bors Percival and Galahad roll out with the grail
and IMMEDIATELY get arrested by some shitty king
but it’s okay because they have the grail
which apparently has the power to turn dungeons into party city
they are in jail for years but it doesn’t even matter
and finally the king dies and he calls them all up like dudes
i am so sorry about that shit
and now i am dead
and everyone is like fuck who should be king
oh
how about GALAHAD
He’s great at everything why didn’t we think of this to begin with
so Galahad is king
but only for like ten minutes
because then Jesus and God and Joseph of Arimathea and Zeus and David Bowie show up
like hey Galahad come up to heaven
make sure to bring the grail
and Galahad is like I THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER ASK
so they beam him up to heaven
and Percival is like AW BALLS
and dies of sadness in a monestary
and Bors is like well shit
better go back to Camelot and make sure my uncle isn’t making any sex mistakes
and then the kingdom is like well shit
who’s gonna be king now?
and then they probably get murdered by the Saxons
and nobody gets to see the grail ever again
ESPECIALLY not Gawain

So the moral of the story
is you can achieve the impossible
if you just believe
but honestly it isn’t worth it
because you have to like never have sex or anything
plus as soon as you achieve the impossible
your friend with leukemia is just going to grab it and ascend to heaven

THE END

Oh holy shit guys

I totally forgot
about the least important knight
out of ALL the knights that get to see the holy grail
honestly that’s still not that bad though
considering there are only four dudes who get to see it
and one of them is Galahad and that was kind of a foregone conclusion
so i’m gonna put off telling the actual graily part for ONE MORE DAY
and instead tell you about SIR BORS

so this Bors guy
I mentioned him before
he’s Lancelot’s nephew
the one who gets Lancelot to stop being a little baby
and come murder dudes and fuck Arthur’s wife instead
and he is also the dude who shows up at Elaine’s castle
right after Lancelot leaves the first time
and sees the holy grail for a quick second
and then trips balls
and hallucinates a bunch of leopards fighting dragons and junk

BUT THAT IS NOT ALL MY FRIENDS
he is also the dude who makes the most STUPIDLY STRICT OATH
in the name of finding the grail
here is the story of THAT shit

so basically
right at the beginning
when all the dudes start setting out to look for the grail
Bors goes to a church and is like hey god
only gonna eat bread and water from now on
also gonna wear a super uncomfortable shirt
only sleep on the floor
and bang no women WHATSOEVER
(i mean he wasn’t getting laid to begin with but still)
and god is like I LOVE SUFFERING
YOUR REWARD:
HALLUCINATIONS
so that’s why he sees all those dragons and shit
but with great power comes A WHOLE LOT OF POINTLESS BULLSHIT
because god resolves to test the fuck out of him
or maybe it’s satan that does that
it is a VERY FINE LINE MY FRIENDS

so the first test
is Bors has to rescue this damsel
you know
like you do
and then the dude who is keeping the damsel is like BITCH IMA KILL YOU
and Bors is like FUCK
KILLING IS SUDDENLY AGAINST MY RELIGION
BETTER JUST BEAT THIS GUY WITH THE FLAT OF MY SWORD TIL HE GIVES UP
so that works
TEST ONE: PASSED

but the next test sucks significantly more
because like ten minutes later
Bors is riding through the woods
and he sees TWO SHITTY THINGS HAPPENING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS
one thing is a chick being chased by a knight who is gonna bone her
and the other one is his best bro Lionel getting BEAT BY THORNS
he only has time to save one or the other
so what does he do
he chooses the maiden
which understandably pisses off his brother Lionel
BECAUSE THIS IS A TEXTBOOK VIOLATION
OF BROS BEFORE HOS
but I guess god doesn’t see it that way
because test number two is considered a RESOUNDING SUCCESS

then the god gets bored and cranks the shittiness knob up to 11
because the next thing that happens
is this priest runs up to Bors
like DUDE
THERE’S A CHICK IN THAT TOWER OVER THERE
IF YOU DON’T HAVE SEX WITH HER RIGHT NOW SHE IS GOING TO DIE
and Bors is like that sounds incredibly fishy
but i’ll see what I can do
uh
AS LONG AS IT DOESN’T INVOLVE SEX IS WHAT I MEAN
so he follows the priest to the tower
and there is a chick in there
and she’s like yeah basically i need your cock
or I die
pretty simple
and Bors is like um sorry toots I kinda made an oath to god?
and the chick is like COME ON MAN PASS THE CANOLIES
I’M LITERALLY DYING OVER HERE
and Bors is like nup
and the chick is like IF YOU DON’T BANG ME I WILL JUMP OFF THIS BALCONY
and Bors is like that’s gonna really suck for you
i mean you’re not gonna get laid
and THEN you are also going to be dead
double whammy
and the chick is like HOW ABOUT TWELVETUPLE WHAMMY ASSHOLE
IF YOU DON’T USE YOUR PENIS ON MY RIGHT NOW
I AM ALSO GOING TO PUSH MY TWELVE LADYSERVANTS OFF THE BALCONY
and Bors is like has anyone ever told you you come on kind of strong?
and the chick is like FUCK THIS IMA TURN INTO DEMONS
THIS WAS ALL A TEST BY THE WAY AND YOU PASSED
so that’s THREE wretched experiences courtesy of god
but at least they are SUCCESSFUL wretched experiences

but number four is the real doozy
because this is when the whole bros before hos thing
really comes to bite him in the ass
see his bro Lionel survives the whole getting beat with thorns thing
and when he wakes up from his pain coma
he is like BORSSSSSSSS
(even though bors TOTALLY found his body after he passed out from pain
and brought him to a monastery to recover)
anyway he tracks Bors down
and he is like HEY DUDE
DO YOU KNOW THE ALPHABET?
and Bors is like kind of
why?
and Lionel is like WHICH LETTER COMES FIRST
B OR H
and Bors is like uh it’s B right?
and Lionel is like CORRECT
SO TELL ME SPERMCLOWN
HOW IS IT
THAT YOU CAN POSSIBLY JUSTIFY
PLACING HOS
BEFORE BROS?
THIS SHIT IS CODIFIED IN THE FUCKING ALPHABET
THERE IS A PROTOCOL
and Bors is like dude chill out
and Lionel is like DON’T TELL ME TO CHILL OUT
I WILL DO THE OPPOSITE OF THAT
TIME TO REMOVE YOUR SKULL
and then a hermit shows up like hey no don’t do that
so lionel KILLS HIM
OBVIOUSLY
I MEAN WHAT ELSE DO YOU DO TO HERMITS
and then another one of the round table dudes shows up like hey quit it
doesn’t matter who he is
cause Lionel KILLS HIM TOO
but first he chases him around for a while
while shitty mcworthlessknight is like hey
hey stop it
hey Bors why aren’t you helping me
i was trying to save your life dude what the fuck
and Bors is like it’s this whole no killing thing
it’s a really restrictive rule when you are a knight
and then Lionel comes back over like alright dude
i think i’ve killed everyone in a ten mile radius
i think we are alone now and i can kill you
and Bors is like don’t do it man
we are bros remember
i mean shit
my name is an ANAGRAM of bros
and Lionel is like you should have thought of that BEFORE you gave priority to hos
but just then
GOD finally decides to show up
and he’s like dudes just stop fighting
this is profoundly stupid
even I think it’s stupid
and stupid shit is pretty much all I ever do
like for example:
this whole fiasco
it was my fault
gonna go ahead and put an end to it now if you don’t mind
and then Bors gets on a pure white boat he found just now
and sails away to find the grail
leaving Lionel to feel like shit forever

so the moral of the story
is some people prefer bros
and some people prefer hos
but in the end
everybody just gets arbitrarily tortured by god

the end.

BLOG LOOKS GOOD NOW EVERYTHING WONDERFUL

Alright so Lancelot is still fucking Guenevere

that is something that is continuing to occur
basically ceaselessly
for like YEARS
and Guenevere never treats him any less shittily
BECAUSE THAT WOULD COMPROMISE HER QUEENSHIP
here is a secret about being queen:
it is okay to cheat on your husband
as long as you talk a lot of shit
in fact Guenevere talks SO MUCH SHIT
that one day Lancelot is just like you know what
fine
let’s see how you get by
without my gallant man-lance all up in your crevices
HEY ARTHUR
I AM READY TO NOT BE IN CHARGE OF YOUR WIFE FOR A WHILE
and arthur is like shit dude seriously?
who’s gonna watch my wife?
and Lancelot is like man whoever
I don’t fucking care
how about let everybody get a turn with her
and Arthur is like shit if you say so
meanwhile i guess I gotta give you some kind of quest?
and Lancelot is like that would be good yeah
and Arthur is like shit
well I’m pretty much out of quests
except for this grail shit
like I said I don’t really know where or what this thing is
but it’s got Holy in the name
so it must be pretty fucking great
and Lancelot is like shit well it beats hanging out with your wife
AND THAT IS HOW LANCELOT BEGINS HIS QUEST FOR THE GRAIL

but the grail is not what he finds
no
what he finds is this castle
with a bigass tower
and this chick is imprisoned in there
basically in a giant magical steam bath
the door isn’t even locked actually
she might have just been taking a bath
anyway Lancelot “rescues” her
and then the villagers open up a tomb so he can fuck up a dragon
and the upshot of all this is that the chick he rescued falls in love with him
THREE GUESSES WHAT HER NAME IS
no not stimpy
not cockboat
ELAINE
YEAH A DIFFERENT ONE THAN THE ONE WHO KILLED HERSELF EARLIER
WHAT IS IT WITH CHICKS NAMED ELAINE AND GETTING MOIST OVER LANCELOT
and predictably lancelot does not give a fuck about this girl either
but that is where the similarities end
because THIS elaine
is not a fucking pushover like the other one
she thinks to herself hm
i want this guy to put a baby inside me
i hear he’s been boning guenevere
(oh yeah
basically everybody knows about that shit
except everyone in Camelot
where it is actually relevant)
so hm what do I do
OH I KNOW
I WILL GET MY PET ENCHANTRESS TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE GUENEVERE
WEATHER FORECAST: SEXY TIMES AHOY
so the way she goes about making this happen
is first they make a duplicate of Guenevere’s special gold ring
and they send that to Lancelot
and then he’s like whoa i bet Guenevere is around
better go fuck the shit out of her
so he does
BUT PRANK’D
TURNS OUT IT IS ELAINE IN DISGUISE
and when he wakes up in the morning and realizes this
he is like BITCH IMA KILL YOU
and Elaine is like dude chill the fuck out
I just sucked your dick like nineteen times
WITH MY VAGINA
PS I’m pregnant
PPS I am pregnant with a kid who is gonna be way better than you
and Lancelot is like that’s not difficult
I ROUTINELY BANG MY BOSS’S WIFE
oh shit speaking of which
I better get back to Camelot and bang my boss’s wife
good luck raising that kid i put in you

so Lancelot goes off to have more special adultery times
and Elaine gives birth to this dude Galahad
some people spell it Galahaut
but those people are HISTORIANS
anyway from the very beginning
everyone everywhere
just straight up KNOWS this dude is the shit
there is never any question
this guy is the new best knight ever
just like sir Tristram
and sir Lancelot
and sir Percival
not a very long shelf life on knights in this legend
shit i mean
even Galahad has fucking Leukemia
or at least some kind of terminal disease
but that’s not really that important

so all goes well
until some idiot shows up at Elaine’s place
like hey baby wanna bang
and Elaine is like sorry baby I only spread my legs for LANCELOT
and this fucking retard is like well i guess i better kill that dude
so he goes out looking for him
and by looking for him
I mean attacking everyone he sees
so he gets pretty much immediately beat down by Lancelot’s cousin
sir Bors
who is like alright dude
now you gotta go back to camelot
and fucking tell everyone what a pansy you are
and the dude is like ok
and meanwhile sir Bors goes to Elaine’s crib for a few days
and fucking trips balls and sees dragons fucking SPITTING OUT OTHER DRAGONS
but again
that is not very important

so back at Camelot
this piece of shit idiot knight shows up
and tells everyone how he was trying to bone elaine
but apparently she only bones Lancelot
and Guenevere hears about this
and BOOP BOOP BITCH ALARM
she proceeds to give Lancelot blueballs
until he convinces her that Elaine meant nothing to him
sidenote:
how is Guenevere not getting preggers?
years and years of playing nonstop sneakyboners
and meanwhile Elaine bangs him ONCE and starts pooping out babies
but anyway yeah then everything is cool for a while
until arthur decides to throw a bigass party at camelot
and invite all the ladies
and so Elaine shows up
and Guenevere is like hey you piece of shit
and Elaine is like wow you are a huge slutbag
and Lancelot is like I am too embarrassed to talk to either of you
and then that night
Elaine sends her pet witch to pretend to be one of Guenevere’s maids
and tell Lancelot to come over for some sexytimes
and Lancelot falls for this trick AGAIN
and then Guenevere sends an ACTUAL maid to find him
and he’s gone
so she’s like LAAAANCELOTTTTT
YOU FUCKING PRICK WHERE ARE YOU
and Lancelot is like SHIT
and he jumps out a window and goes crazy for several years

now we have already established
that Lancelot is the best at everything he does
this applies to being crazy as well
for YEARS this dude is just running through the forest
totally nude
beating the shit out of bears and drinking blood and rainwater
until one day he sees some shields and swords up against a tree
and he picks up a sword
and just starts BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF A SHIELD
and the owner of the swords and shields comes out of his tent
and he is like aw god dammit
a hobo got one of my swords again
I really shouldn’t leave these things lying around
hey man put down the sword
but instead lancelot MAKES BLOOD EXPLODE OUT OF THE DUDE’S FACE
and then he passes out
at which point the dude ties him up with some chains
and starts bringing him to his castle to help him out
and then gets attacked by knights
at which point Lancelot just snaps all the chains
kills all the knights
and goes right back to skullfucking leopards and dropkicking alligators

meanwhile Percival is supposed to be looking for Lancelot
but he is making a fatal mistake
which is that he is not looking for a naked dude
so instead he finds some knight
and they immediately start beating each other to death
for really no reason
they both mutilate each other
and then Percival is like wait who are you
and the dude is like I’m lancelot’s brother
and Percival is like FUUUUUCK i’m percival
too bad we mortally wounded each other
but then the Holy Grail just floats by and THEY ARE SUDDENLY OK
and they are like well that was weird
wanna go find Lancelot?

MEANWHILE LANCELOT SOMEHOW STUMBLES OVER TO ELAINE’S PLACE
and everyone is like hey look a crazy dude
let’s throw him in a pit and chuck steaks at him
and Lancelot is okay with this
because he likes steaks
but then one day one of the king’s sons gets knighted
and he is like IMA GIVE OUT FANCY CLOTHES TO EVERYBODY
BRING THAT CRAZY DUDE IN HERE
and he gives lancelot some sweet duds
which lancelot proceeds to shit all over
shortly before passing out in the garden
and that is where Elaine finds him
and she is like WHOA WHAT
HEY LANCELOT WHY ARE YOU COVERED IN FECES
and she eventually gets him to stop being crazy
Malory says he stopped being crazy because of the grail
but that’s retarded

so once he’s not crazy Lancelot is like hey Elaine
sorry i brandished a sword at you and whatnot
but you did kind of trick me like a total twatwaffle
but anyway I feel bad so now i’m never gonna leave you
gonna do whatever you want
let’s go live on an island
we will call it Joyous Island and we will have parties
and I will call myself “The Tresspassing Knight”
but in french
because it’s more pretentious
and Elaine is like sure okay
NOTE: Galahad is not present for any of this
why?
he’s got more important shit to deal with
even though he’s like 8 years old at this point
he’s the greatest knight in the entire goddamn universe
what does he care if his dad is a crazy shitcovered asshole
he’s got a HEROIC DESTINY
also LEUKEMIA
that is some serious problems

anyway Lancelot gets bored and is like hey
all you knights all over the place
come over to my house I’ll beat the shit out of you
or i mean
uh
we’ll have a tournament
if you win i’ll give you whores
so 500 knights show up
and Lancelot reams them with the tip of his lance
over the course of THREE DAYS
THAT IS 166.7 KNIGHTS PER DAY
I FEEL BAD FOR THAT 7/10 OF A KNIGHT

anyway right at the tail end of this shit Percival and his buddy
whose name is sir Ector by the way
hear about the tournament
and they are like whoa damn
is it too late to beat the shit out of dudes?
but they are in luck
because when you are dealing with Lancelot
it is NEVER too late to beat the shit out of dudes
i mean I should give him some credit I guess
he never kills anyone who doesn’t totally deserve it
and he feels REALLY bad about all the shitty things he’s done
but i mean
he still does all those shitty things
so i think it’s kind of a wash?
but regardless Percival and Ector show up to Lancelot’s place
and Percival and Lancelot fight for like two hours
before they are both like whoa hold on
who the fuck are you
this seems to be a really really common problem for knights
which i think could be pretty easily avoided with like
nametags?
anyway Percival is like I’m Percival
and Lancelot is like OH SNAP
well I’m Lancelot
i mean i am calling myself “The Shitty French Knight” right now
but yeah
totally Lancelot
and Percival is like DUDE
Guenevere sent me to look for you
get the fuck back to Camelot dude we miss your stupid ass
so Lancelot goes back to Camelot
totally forgetting about his son that Elaine is raising
although honestly I think Elaine has pretty much forgotten about him too
seeing as she basically never mentions him
but that does not stop EVERYONE in the FUCKING WORLD
from already knowing all these prophecies about how he’s going to be amazing
like 10 billion times stronger than his dad and shit
basically Lancelot is Goku
and Galahad is Gohan
or maybe trunks
but maybe Percival is Trunks
except isn’t trunks more powerful than Gohan?
or maybe Galahad is like when Gohan and trunks to that fusion thing
what was he called then
Gotenks?
what a stupid name
jesus i just revealed way too much about my childhood just now huh

ANYWAY the moral of the story
is if you are having problems in your relationship
try running naked through the woods for several years
when you come to your senses everything will be great again

SATURDAY: THE QUEST FOR THE HOLY GRAIL!
(the end?)