Gilgamesh and Enkidu: ULTIMATE BROMANCE

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Alright so a bunch of people wanted me to do this one
but it was unstoppable love torpedo Sylvester “Suspense Wizard” Studsington
who pushed me over the edge
by appealing to my GREED
so here goes nothing
fuck that who am i kidding
here goes EVERYTHING

Oh my fucking god have you heard about this Gilgamesh guy

seriously you get like two paragraphs into this shit
and parts of your brain are already hemorrhaging testosterone and steroids
because of the sheer manliness that is boiling off the page
and BRUTALIZING YOUR FACE AND NECK LIKE A BOBSLED FULL OF PUNCHES
and by the time you get to the end of the first fucking tablet
your entire mind is a hulking mass of furious distended tissue that FEARS NO MAN
seriously they actually describe Gilgamesh
as a dude who is “perfect in awesomeness”
THOSE ARE ACTUAL WORDS THEY USE TO DESCRIBE HIM
and also in order to even FIND the story of this dude
it says you’ve gotta basically bust balls-first into a temple
pull out PART OF THE FUCKING WALL
and then grab the twelve stone tablets
on which some righteous motherfucker has CHISELED THIS WHOLE MURDERFEST
then you just gotta hope that the badassery within does not LASER YOUR FACE OFF
oh also his dad is some dude and his mom is a goddess who bangs him SO HARD
that Gilgamesh is TWO THIRDS GOD AND ONE THIRD HUMAN
THAT’S RIGHT
they do the wango bango with SUCH FURIOUS DEDICATION
THAT THEY DESTROY MATH

but here is the problem guys
gilgamesh is such an unbelievable badass
he cannot comprehend how people can be ANY LESS BADASS THAN HE IS
so he makes all the dudes in the city he is king of
constantly do feats of strength and shit
and they all get really tired and cranky
and also there is a law that Gilgamesh gets to fuck everyone’s wives
THE BEST KING

so this goddess named Eiru
or Aruru depending on where you read this shit
but i’m gonna use Eiru because Aruru sounds JUST A LITTLE TOO DUMB
anyway Eiru hears everyone complaining
they are like hey Eiru
hey
can you make a dude who is a bad enough dude to cockwrestle Gilgamesh
because we are worried that if you do not
Gilgamesh will fuck us to death
and Eiru is like WELL I WAS WONDERING WHAT TO DO WITH THIS ROCK I HAVE
BOOM
NOW IT IS A PERSON
ENJOY

so this dude that Eiru creates is called Enkidu
and he has so much hair
THAT HIS INDIVIDUAL HAIRS MUST EACH BOOK SEPARATE APPOINTMENTS WITH HAIRDRESSERS
or they would
if he EVER FUCKING SHAVED
but as it stands he is basically just cousin it
if cousin it had the ability to TEAR YOU IN HALF AND THEN FEED YOU TO YOURSELF
that would have made that show WAYYYY more interesting
but anyway yeah Enkidu basically just runs screaming through the forest
chilling with animals
assraping bears
until one day some pussyass hunter sees him
drinking water with all his sweet animal pals
and the hunter is like OHHH FUCCKKKK
JUST SHAT MYSELF
IT IS UNLADYLIKE TO HUNT WITH SHIT IN ONE’S PANTS
I MUST POSTPONE TIL TOMORROW
and this happens for THREE FUCKING DAYS
until finally the hunter gets so freaked out
he goes running to his dad or something
like DADDY THERE IS A HAIRY MAN AND I AM AFRAID
HOLY SHIT WHY IS THIS GUY A HUNTER
ALL HE SEEMS TO BE HUNTING UP
IS NEW WAYS TO TOTALLY EMBARASS HIMSELF
but the dude he is whining to is like holy shit chill out asshole
just go hit up Gilgamesh for one of his whores
and then get Enkidu to fuck that whore
and he will lose all his animal magnetism
it is proven science fact that this is how things work

so that is exactly what the hunter does
and Gilgamesh hooks him up with the an exceedingly legitimate ho
seriously this bitch is comely as FUCK
and he brings her back to the ol’ watering hole
and she sees Enkidu
and Enkidu sees her
and Enkidu is like TITS OR GTFO
and the chick
(whose name is Shamhat by the way)
is like I CHOOSE THE TITS OPTION
and then they bang for SEVEN DAYS STRAIGHT
and at the end all Enkidu’s animal pals get scared and run away
probably because they have never seen a dude slam the sausagesocket
for SEVEN SOLID DAYS
at which point Shamhat makes Enkidu a sandwich
and then is like hey come meet my husband/owner
they live in a time before women’s lib
it is important for you to remember this

so they go back to Gilgamesh
and on the way Enkidu helps out some shepherds
by murdering some lions
but then he actually gets to Gilgamesh’s kingdom
where Gilgamesh is right in the middle of trying to bang some dude’s wife
and Enkidu shows up like dude what the fuck are you doing
HOW ABOUT WE KUNG FU FIGHT
OR AT LEAST SOME KIND OF FIGHT
THE KUNG FU IS NEGOTIABLE
BUT THE FIGHTING PART IS SORT OF A STICKING POINT FOR ME
and Gilgamesh is like YESSSSSSSSSSS
and they proceed to fistfuck each others’ faces for HOURS
at which point they are both just like ow
fuck
wanna be bffs?
AND THUS IS BORN THE GREATEST FRIENDSHIP OF ALL TIME
I AM NOT A SCIENTIST BUT THIS MAY BE WHY WOMEN LIVE LONGER THAN MEN

so their first act as ULTIMATE BESTIES
is to walk like all the way across the known world
to fuck up the mystical guardian of some ancient tree
the guardian is not a bad dude or anything
he’s really basically just the ancient magical equivalent
of those fucking hippies that chain themselves to live oaks and whatnot
except he has INTESTINES all over his face
and his breath is a combination of DEATH and FIRE
SERIOUSLY THAT’S WHAT IT SAYS

anyway Gilgamesh and Enkidu skip off towards this sacred cedar tree
literally HOLDING HANDS
GUYS
I don’t think i’ve ever read a myth before
where two radical dudes were SUCH BOSOM BUDDIES
IT WOULD BE SICKENING IF IT WERE NOT SO TOTALLY GNARLY
and they walk for LEAGUES AND LEAGUES AND LEAGUES
and Gilgamesh keeps getting shitfaced every night
and then waking up in the middle of the night like ENKIDU I HAD A BAD DREAM
IT WAS ABOUT VOLCANOS OR FIREBREATHING BIRDS OR LIGHTNING OR SOMETHING
and Enkidu is like naw dude that is actually a good dream
those are totally sweet and appropriate things to dream about
it means we are going to kill humbaba
one might even call it
THE BEST DREAM?!
THIS HAPPENS FOR FIVE NIGHTS
BUT THEN THEY FINALLY FIND HUMBABA’S FOREST
oh yeah i think Humbaba has some kind of aura of death and paralysis of some shit?
but whatever i think they just flex their muscles and give each other a pep talk
and any danger is TOTALLY NEUTRALIZED
so then Humbaba pops out like sup
and then this god Shamash
(he is the sun god apparently)
who has basically been hooking up Gilgamesh this whole time
is like not much dude
just thought i’d drop by and attack you with ALL THE WINDS
seriously dude
there are thirteen fucking winds
I had no idea there were that many
there’s the ones you would expect
like north wind south wind east wind west wind
and then there’s like
blizzard
and storm
and sandstorm
which are apparently all seperate winds
and then shit really flies off the handle
and we get into like
whistling wind
ice wind
demon wind
and just straight up bad wind
what the fuck is bad wind?
how can wind be objectively bad
is it a wind that just goes out of its way to ruin ice cream cones
and like
remove wigs at inappropriate times?
because if so
i hereby petition to change its name to HILARIOUS wind
anyway yeah all those winds show up
and gather around Humbaba in an aetherial bukakke throwdown
and Humbaba CANNOT MOVE AT ALL
so Gilgamesh gets his sword out
and he is all ready to chop off Humbaba’s head
when humbaba is like WHOA DUDE CHILL OUT
I WILL TOTALLY GIVE YOU ALL THE WOOD YOU CAN HANDLE
WE ARE IN A FOREST
THERE IS WOOD FUCKING COMING OUT OF OTHER WOOD
YOU DO NOT NEED TO MURDER ME FOR THIS SPECIFIC TREE
and Enkidu is like FUCK THAT DON’T LISTEN TO HIM
MURDER MURDER MURDER
and Humbaba is like DUDE ENKIDU COME ON MAN
WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU GUYS
and Enkidu is like LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER ALL THIS HILARIOUS WIND
HEY GILGAMESH HURRY UP KILL THIS DUDE I GOTTA TAKE A PISS
IN HIS MOUTH

so finally Gilgamesh just murders Humbaba
and then jacks his head
and is like YES EXCELLENT
NOW I CAN USE THIS TREE TO MAKE A DOOR
I DON’T NECESSARILY HAVE ANYPLACE TO PUT THE DOOR
BUT YOU KNOW
NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’RE GONNA NEED A REALLY HUGE DOOR
so they chop down the tree
and they make a raft
and AWAYYYY THEY GO

so they get back home
and they are enjoying this sweet door
and also each other’s company
because they are SUCH GOOD BUDDIES
when Ishtar has to just come along and fuck it all up
(Ishtar is the goddess of basically everything worth doing
sex war and babies
i don’t mean that you should do babies though
that is gross/illegal)
she is like HEY GILGAMESH
I HAVE THIS GAPING HOLE IN MY BODY
I’M PRETTY WORRIED THAT IT MIGHT JUST START SHOOTING OUT MY ORGANS OR SOMETHING
PRETTY DANGEROUS
I HEARD YOU HAD SOMETHING ABOUT THE RIGHT SIZE TO PLUG THIS HOLE
I BELIEVE IT IS YOUR PENIS?
and Gilgamesh is like WHOA BITCH SLOW YOUR ROLL
YOUR TITS ARE EXCEEDINGLY FINE
BUT I AM AWARE OF A LITTLE SOMETHING CALLED HISTORY
AND HISTORY TELLS US THAT EVERY DUDE YOU HAVE EVER BANGED
HAS ENDED UP EITHER ON FIRE OR TURNED INTO SOME KIND OF DWARF
[obligatory joke about fucking gold]
SO UH
I’M SURE THERE ARE RODS APLENTY IN THIS KINGDOM OF MINE
GO NUTS
JUST STEER CLEAR OF MINE
MY NUTS I MEAN

and ishtar gets SOOOO ANGRY
she goes back up to godtowne
and she is like HEY GUYS
GILGAMESH REFUSED TO STUFF MY MUFF
GIVE ME THE BULL OF HEAVEN I AM GOING TO RUIN EVERYTHING
yeah apparently they just keep this fucking bull around
in case they need to ruin everything
and the other gods are like NAW BITCH
and Ishtar is like IF YOU DON’T LET ME I WILL THROW A FIT
IT MAY INVOLVE ZOMBIES
and the gods are like fuck fine
but for some reason this is going to ruin the harvest in Gilgamesh’s kingdom
for SEVEN YEARS
and Ishtar is like whatever
and she drags the bull down to earth

so the first thing the bull does
is kill like several thousand people
then eventually Gilgamesh sees it
and he and Enkidu are like BEST BUDS TAG TEAM MURDERCYCLE YEAH!
(somebody draw that please
i don’t know what it looks like but i’m sure it’s awesome
maybe there is a rainbow and maybe the rainbow is MADE OF BLOOD)
anyway they handle the bull to pieces in a matter of seconds
and then steal its horns
which are made of lapis lazuli
which pretty much EVERYTHING in this poem is made of by the way
and then they high five so hard that another thousand or so people die
but that is okay because FRIENDSHIP

BUT ALL IS NOT WELL MY FRIENDS
usually it is Gilgamesh who has all the dreams
but tonight it is ENKIDU’S TURN TO HAVE THE DREAMS
he dreams that the gods are all sitting around talking
and they are like fuck man
Enkidu and Gilgamesh are a two-man meat grinder for all our best abominations
this should maybe stop?
also maybe Shamash needs to stop helping them?
and Shamash is like shit sorry guys
how about I make it up to you by killing one of them
and the gods are like ok but which one do we kill
we can’t kill Gilgamesh his name is in the title
oh shit wait HOW ABOUT ENKIDU
yeah that works

so then Enkidu wakes up like THERE IS NO POSSIBLE WAY TO INTERPRET THIS FAVORABLY
WAAAAAH I’M GONNA DIE
FUCK EVERYONE
and then he gets real sick and he dies
he doesn’t even get to go down in a super metal way or anything
and then Gilgamesh gets SUPER SAD

now guys
we all know about the nine stages of grief or whatever
but those are for CHUMPS
Gilgamesh’s grieving process has different steps:
1 – cry about it
2 – make everyone else cry about it
3 – seek immortality
TRY THIS THE NEXT TIME YOUR CAT DIES

so gilgamesh goes running around all the fuck everywhere
and he does this shit for so long he explodes his clothes
and has to beat animals to death and rip off their skin so he’s not naked
or really just because he feels like it
and he talks shit to some scorpion dudes
who let him walk through a mountain
and the sun is like chasing him kind of
and he walks for twelve “double hours”
so twenty four hours i guess
and then he sees a garden made out of jewels and shit
wait did he just wander into that cave from aladdin?
oops no no he didn’t
because then he emerges out the other side
and he finds THE WATERS OF DEATH
YESSSS
wait hold on
if I was seeking immortality
the waters of death would NOT BE THE FIRST PLACE I LOOKED
but anway there is an inn there
but the inkeeper chick is freaked the fuck out
because Gilgamesh LOOKS LIKE A GODDAMN PSYCHOPATH
but eventually he threatens her enough that she tells him how to get across the water
and then he threatens the fuck out of the guy who can get him across the water
but in the process he breaks all the stone giants that can actually cross the water
cause it is the waters of DEATH remember
this is not the kind of water you fuck around with
so then Gilgamesh has to go make more boat supplies
but then finally THEY ACTUALLY START SAILING

so they get to the other side
which is where Gilgamesh was trying to get apparently
i have no idea how he figured out where this place was
but there’s this dude there called Utnapishtim
and he’s like whoa who the fuck are you
and Gilgamesh is like I’M GILGAMESH MOTHERFUCKER
MY BEST PAL DIED SO NOW I WANNA BE IMMORTAL
HOOK A BROTHER UP?
and Utnapishtim is like seriously?
you’re fucking shitting me right?
that has got to be the most weaksauce reason anyone has given me to do anything EVER
but anyway let me tell you my life story

SUMMARY:
UTNAPISHTIM IS NOAH
EXCEPT HE SAVES A LOT MORE HUMANS
AND EVERYONE DRINKS A LOT MORE BOOZE
AND THEN HE GETS TO BE IMMORTAL AFTERWARDS THE END

so after he finishes his story
Utnapishtim is just like so you see my friend
i got to be immortal
but it was a fuckton of work
and frankly i don’t think the gods are down to do that shit again
you may want to just step the fuck off and die like a man
in fact i think that is exactly what you should do

but joke’s on Utnapishtim because GILGAMESH GOT SO BORED HE FELL ASLEEP
but actually joke’s on Gilgamesh
because Utnapishtim just uses this as more proof Gilgamesh shouldn’t be immortal
and rubs his face in it by baking a ton of bread and putting it next to his face
so that when he wakes up SEVEN DAYS LATER
he sees all this moldy bread and he is like ew gross
guess i’ve been asleep for a while huh
and Utnapishtim is like PRAAAAANKED

so then Gilgamesh is like man ok
i guess i’m just gonna mope on home now
and Utnapishtim feels kind of bad about it and is like wait dude
there is a plant at the bottom of the ocean
if you eat it it will make you young again
you should get that shit
and Gilgamesh is like YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME TWICE
and then he ties some fucking rocks to his feet
and sinks himself to the bottom of the ocean
(again
i do not see this as the behavior of a dude
who is trying to not die)
and he gets this plant
and he’s like SWEET BEANS
TOTALLY GONNA TEST IT ON SOME OLD DUDES WHEN I GET HOME
but then he stops to take a bath
and a snake steals it
and then eventually he gets old and dies
miserable and alone
or maybe content and surrounded by whores
the epic is not clear on this part

so basically
Enkidu wouldn’t have died
if that chick hadn’t boned him and then made him take a shower
and Gilgamesh would’ve had eternal youth
if he hadn’t stopped for a fucking bath
so the moral of the story
is hygiene is for mortals

THE END.

The Inferno, God dammit

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15

So if you were/are an english major/complete loser
you have probably had a conversation with your friends/imaginary friends
where you all try and remember what all the circles are in hell
and you CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF YOU REMEMBER
wanna know why?
BECAUSE ALL THE CIRCLES HAVE CIRCLES IN THEM

NOW YOU KNOW

Don Quixote is like the Napoleon of Doing Stupid Shit (part 2)

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11

Alright so

when last we left our heroes
you know what fuck that
no one in this story is a hero
you could not be less heroic if your job was throwing hammers at orphans
basically Don Quixote was being a dumbass and Sancho Panza was helping
and it occurred to me last night that if I spend an exhaustive amount of time
talking about every stupid thing Don Quixote does
we will be here INDEFINITELY
so here is a stupid shit rundown
courtesy of my FISTS
because that is what i have decided to type with today

so Sancho wakes up
and Don Quixote is like QUICK HELP ME BEAT UP THESE MONKS
and Sancho is like why
and Don Quixote is like WHATEVER I’M CRAZY GET USED TO IT
and Sancho is like welp i guess i better steal everyone’s clothes
and then a dude ruins Don Quixote’s ear but whatever he doesn’t need those
not like he ever listens to ANYONE
then he beats the shit out of more innocent dudes
and sancho is like island plz?
and Don Quixote is like NOT QUITE
and sancho is like fuck what about the po po
i am not going back to jail
and Don Quixote is like DUDE I’M A FUCKING KNIGHT
I’M SO FULL OF RIGHTEOUS JUSTICE
IF A COP TRIED TO ARREST ME
TEN COPS WOULD ARREST HIM
AND THEN SET HIS FAMILY ON FIRE

so then they sleep outside some more
and then meet some goatherds
and sancho gets trashed
and then some dude shows up like LOL MY FRIEND DIED FROM GETTING REJECTED TOO HARD
LETS ALL GO TO HIS FUNERAL AND CALL THE CHICK WHO REJECTED HIM A HUGE BITCH
and Don Quixote is like THIS SOUNDS LIKE A JOB FOR CHIVALRY
but then when they show up
it turns out that the dead guy was just a total pussy
and the chick who rejected him is pretty chill
it’s not her fault she has huge tits
that all the dudes wanna motorboat SO BAD IT KILLS THEM

so that chick leaves after telling everybody off
and Don Quixote follows her
to see if her or her tits need any help
but then instead his shitty horse ends up trying to fuck some other horses
and the dudes who own the horses are like man what the hell is this
is some kind of moldy skeleton trying to do the hokey pokey on our legitimate living horses
get this thing away from here
and Don Quixote is like DID SOMEBODY SAY TIME FOR VIOLENCE?
but it turns out no one said that
and furthermore that Don Quixote is really shitty at violence
so he and sancho get their everythings broken
and lie on the ground for a while
and eventually decide they should probably find an inn
or as Don Quixote calls it
A CASTLE?!

but shit is fucked up
because Don Quixote thinks the inkeeper’s daughter wants to bang him
but really it is the daughter’s hunchbacked maid
but actually that chick just wants to bang some other dude
who is staying in the same ROOM as Don Quixote
and that dude gets upset
and then the chick hides in sancho’s bed
so then the dude attacks Sancho
and the inkeeper is like WHAT WHAT WHAT
and VIOLENCE ENSUES
and a POLICE OFFICER APPEARS
and then Don Quixote is like hey tinydick asshole how about i RUIN YOUR SPINE
AND SUDDENLY IT IS DOUBLE VIOLENCE JACKPOT

but it’s okay
because then Don Quixote refuses to pay for his stay in the inn
wait that doesn’t make it ok
that makes Sancho get tossed in a blanket by the inkeeper and his dudes
although actually that sounds like a lot of fun
but that doesn’t stop Sancho from bitching about it FOR THE REST OF THE BOOK

but the fun doesn’t stop there
because suddenly
Don Quixote sees more things
and Don Quixote’s default response to seeing things is to ATTACK THOSE THINGS
the things in question happen to be some sheeps
he thinks they are knights i guess
and so he murders like 7 of them
before the shepherds knock out his teeth with rocks
and then he’s like hold on Sancho
let me make a potion for us out of some trash and dirt i found
and then they drink it
and Sancho vomits
and he’s like hey Don Quixote lemme see how many teeth you lostOH GOD YOU VOMITED IN MY EYES

so quick recap:
after about 3 or 4 days on the road
these dudes have managed to get robbed
(oh yeah i forgot to say they got robbed)
severely beaten
and covered in vomit
THERE IS SO MUCH SUCCESS IT IS GIVING ME SCABIES JUST THINKING ABOUT IT

so then Don Quixote is maybe i should cut back on the violence
so the next time he runs into some innocent priests
he basically just brutally injures ONE of them
instead of all of them
and then sancho robs them
and then they go pass out in a valley

BUT BEFORE THEY PASS OUT
Sancho tells the SHITTIEST STORY POSSIBLE
it is about a shepherd or something
and Don Quixote keeps interrupting him
and then in the story the shepherd has to take all these sheep in a boat
and Sancho is like MAKE SURE YOU COUNT ALL THE SHEEP DON QUIXOTE
and Don Quixote is like fuck dude i don’t give a shit about the sheep
just tell the end of the story
and Sancho is like HOW MANY SHEEP ARE THERE MOTHERFUCKER
and Don Quixote is like I really have no idea
and Sancho is like WELP GUESS IM NEVER GONNA FINISH MY STORY THEN
THE END

wait wait not the end
Don Quixote has not exhausted his stupid meter yet
in fact by the time we get to the end of this travesty
Don Quixote will have maxed his stupid bar so hard
he will be able to do some kind of stupidity limit break
where he flies like sixty feet in the air
and then does a flip
and then takes a dump in his helmet or something

speaking of helmets the next thing Don Quixote does is steal one from a poor person
except it isn’t a helmet it’s just a bowl
but Don Quixote turns it into a helmet through the power of HALLUCINATIONS
and then uses some leftover hallucinations
to convince himself to release a whole bunch of CONVICTED FELONS ON A CHAINGANG
and those dudes beat the shit out of him and Sancho
and then rob them
although honestly i don’t know what they have left to steal
these dudes have been beaten and robbed so much already
and anyway the rest of their possessions are covered in vomit

but regardless Sancho starts freaking out
because you know
they’re CRIMINALS now
and he’s like FUCK LET’S FLEE TO THE MOUNTAINS
so they do
and what do they see but SOME CRAZY ASSHOLE LEAPING THROUGH THE WOODS BUTT NAKED
cause he didn’t get to bang some chick he liked
cause his shitty friend stole her
and Don Quixote is like aw hell no
is someone trying to out-crazy me?
I AM NOW ALSO NAKED AND LEAPING THROUGH THE FOREST
ALSO BEATING MY FACE AGAINST TREES
TAKE THAT
PS sancho take a letter to my fair Dulcinea
tell her i’m crazy now
and Sancho is like fuckkkk that’s going to take forever

but luckily on his way to complete this shitty mission
Sancho runs into Don Quixote’s old friends the priest and the barber
and he’s like DUDES
I NEED YOUR HELP
DON QUIXOTE IS TOTALLY FUCKING BALLSACK SHITHOUSE NUTBASKETS
and the priest and the barber are like oh shit
stop the presses
and sancho is like seriously dudes
his crazy is starting to impinge on my good times
and they are like ok fine
one of us will dress up as a damsel
and be like hey Don Quixote come save us
and then we will lead him home ok?

SO THIS IS WHAT THEY PROCEED TO DO
but then when they get to the mountains
they run into some chick named Dorothea
who is all butthurt cause she got abandoned
by the same dude who stole crazy mcnakedpants’ sex target
WHAT AN ODD COINCIDENCE
and the priest or the barber or whatever
is like shit girl
you are an actual woman
whereas i am only dressed as a woman
here
put on this dress
let’s go fool an idiot
so they do that
and Dorothea isn’t very good at it
but it’s okay because Don Quixote is even less good at BEING IN TOUCH WITH REALITY
so he agrees to follow them back to town
and so does nakedpants
who i guess i should start calling Cardenio now cause he just put on some pants
and they weren’t even nakedpants or anything
he decides to come along cause Dorothea tells him that the chick the other dude stole
still has total ladyboners for him

SO THEY ALL CLIMB OUT OF THE MOUNTAINS TOGETHER
and where do they end up?
THE SAME FUCKING INN DON QUIXOTE WAS AT BEFORE
Spain just does not have any other inns
pretty sure
and the Inkeeper is like aw fuck
it’s that crazy guy again
maybe we should burn all our books about knights
wait no that’s a stupid plan that will never work
in fact how about instead we READ SOME OF THEM OUT LOUD

so the priest reads a story about these dudes Anselmo and Lothario
it is basically about how Anselmo goes to Lothario and is like dude
make my wife cheat on me with you
and Lothario is like naw
and Anselmo is like come on
and Lothario is like shit well ok
and then bones the dudes’ wife and they run away together
and the moral of the story is maybe don’t hire your best friend to fuck your wife?

ANYWAY BACK TO THE REAL STORY
DON QUIXOTE IS BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF SOME WINESKINS
dammit i wish we hadn’t gone back to the real story
i guess he thinks the wineskins are giants
but then again
he thinks EVERYTHING is giants
so that’s unsurprising
BUT SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENS THAT IS SURPRISING:
THE DUDE WHO STOLE CARDENIO’S WOMAN SHOWS UP
ALONG WITH THE WOMAN HE STOLE
SUDDENLY EVERYONE IS REUNITED AND IT IS GREAT
THEY ARE ALL TOTALLY GOING TO GET MARRIED TO THE RIGHT PEOPLE NOW
THANK YOU DON QUIXOTE FOR BRINGING US ALL TOGETHER
WITH YOUR STUPID SWORD AND YOUR STUPIDER IDEAS ABOUT HOW TO USE YOUR STUPID SWORD

but that is not the end of the ridiculous stream of people who show up here
because while Don Quixote is busy claiming the inn is enchanted
and yelling about how great it is to be a knight
a dude and a chick show up from MOORELAND
I MEAN ALGIERS SORRY
yea basically the dude wants to get the chick baptized and then marry her
cause he was in prison and she dropped some money on his head
BUT THAT IS NOT ALL MY FRIENDS
BECAUSE HERE COMES THE ALGERIAN DUDE’S LONG LOST BROTHER WHO IS A JUDGE
ALSO HIS SUPER HOT DAUGHTER CLARA
seriously
are there no other inns in spain?
anyway then it turns out some asshole has been following Clara around
singing love songs through her window like a total stalker
so she decides to get married to him
and WHOA LOOK AT THAT 4X MARRIAGE COMBO
3 MILLION POINT STUPID MODIFIER
LEVEL UP
so yeah then there’s some more violence
i don’t even fucking remember why at this point
and then the cops show up
and they’re like holy shit there’s that dude who released all those felons
GET HIM
and everyone is like dudes
chill out
look at this guy
he is covered in vomit standing on his shitty horse
yelling about how the pan he is wearing on his head is the legendary MAMBRINO’S HELMET
you do not want a guy like this shitting up your nice prison
he pleads insanity ok?
so the cops are like fine
and leave
and then the barber and the priest knock out Don Quixote
and put him in a cage
and drag him back home
and the whole time Don Quixote is totally convinced he is enchanted
which is his default assumption about anything and everything
and they eventually get him back home
and the stays there for a while
until he busts out again for another MONUMENTAL CAVALCADE OF BULLSHIT
but that shit is in book two
which i will do AT A LATER DATE

so the moral of the story
is if you have lost your true love
and you are thinking about going crazy/killing yourself
chill the fuck out for a second
and just try and locate a violently delusional psychopath covered in kitchenware
your true love will not be far away

THE END.

Don Quixote Stupids His Way To Success (Part 1)

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Alright so first of all
I want to thank invincible sex god Brett Mansaw
for paying me money to tell one of my favorite stories ever
second of all
I want to actually tell the story

Jesus christ Don Quixote

first off I guess I should tell you
that the dude who is widely credited with writing this story
is a huge buttface liar
who pretends he just FOUND this shit lying around somewhere
and is basically just faithfully copying it down
BULLSHIT
ANCIENT SCRIBES DID NOT CHRONICLE NEARLY THIS MUCH VOMIT AND DUMB
i mean actually they did
but still
I call bullshit

but anyway this is a story about the craziest motherfucker in the galaxy
his name is Don Quixote like I said
and his MO is to ride into situations on a shitty horse
and just injure as many people as he can before someone knocks his teeth out
HERE IS HOW HE GETS STARTED WITH THE DOING THAT:

basically he’s just this really rich dude
with nothing to do
and a huge library full of stories like these
so pretty quick his mind just does a shithouse swandive into the crazy dumpster
and he wakes up one day like OH SHIT I’M A KNIGHT ERRANT
WHY AM I ONLY REALIZING THIS NOW?
so he gets on a worthless fucking horse
named Rocinante
and he puts on some armor that has been in his family for generations
back when there were people in his family who could be trusted with sharp things
and he makes a new visor for his helmet out of like plywood
and OFF HE GOES

so the first thing he does
is he shows up at some inn
and he sees a couple of whores
and he is like oh look
what a lovely pair of princesses
hey princesses what is up
and they’re like oh shit looks like someone crashed the crazybus into the idiot boat
oh well it’s not every day a dude DOESN’T try and co-opt us for a loveless threesome
let’s feed him dinner
and then during dinner Don Quixote is like OH FUCK
I FORGOT TO GET KNIGHTED
and he runs over to the inkeeper like FUCKING KNIGHT ME ASSHOLE
and the inkeeper is like uh
you got any money?
and Don Quixote is like NOPE
and the inkeeper is like fuck dude
try having some fucking money sometimes
and Don Quixote is like CAN’T
TOO BUSY BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR CUSTOMERS
IN THE NAME OF THIS PEASANT CHICK I KIND OF HALF MADE UP

oh yeah
i forgot to tell you
right at the outset Don Quixote decides he has to have some dame to worship
and to send all his defeated enemies to and whatnot
so he picks a farmer chick he had a crush on like way back in the day
and he changes her name to Dulcinea
not sure what her name was originally
probably something like Dumple or Frank
but NO TIME FOR ANY MORE EXPOSITION DON QUIXOTE IS FIGHTING NOW

so the inkeeper gets so freaked by the violence
that he is like whoa whoa dude
come over here stop murdering let me knight you right quick
it requires an elaborate ritual that involves you not killing my customers
ok now get the fuck out of here
and Don Quixote gets the fuck out of there

and he starts going home to try and get some money and shit
and on the way he sees some kid getting whipped by some dude
who is his boss
and is like hey dude stop beating that kid
and the boss is like I SWEAR I WILL STOP ON MY HONOR AS A KNIGHT
and Don Quixote is like sounds good
but JOKE’S ON HIM
THAT DUDE WASN’T A KNIGHT
actually joke’s on the kid
he gets whipped hardcore

then Don Quixote tries to attack some merchants for basically no reason
falls off his horse
gets the shit kicked out of him
and one of his servants finds him a few days later and brings him home
RESOUNDING SUCCESS

so now Don Quixote is back home
passed the fuck out in his room
meanwhile his friends the barber and the priest show up
and start raiding his library
with the help of his niece
who just wants to burn everything
and actually everyone kind of wants to burn at least SOME books
to prevent Don Quixote from executing a 2x lunacy combo
except the priest is kind of a huge nerd
so he keeps seeing books and being like OOP GOTTA KEEP THIS
but eventually they settle on a huge pile of books to burn
and then they wall up the entrance to the library
and then when Don Quixote wakes up they are like OH FUCK A SORCERER DID IT

GUYS
IF YOU ARE TRYING TO KEEP HIM FROM RUNNING AROUND PRETENDING TO BE A KNIGHT
DON’T TELL HIM A WIZARD KILLED HIS BOOKS
HE IS PROBABLY GOING TO GO LOOKING FOR THE WIZARD
and yes
predictably that is exactly what the man does

except this time he is not content to just go alone
no
he needs someone to pick him up when he inevitably faceplants in the dirt
so he gets this poor farmer dude Sancho Panza
who is pretty much just a bulging sack of greed
held together with a little bit of cunning and a WHOLE LOT OF STUPID
and he is like hey Sancho
howsabout you leave your wife to come have crazytime with me
and eventually I will hook you up with a sweet island
and Sancho Panza is like WHERE DO I SIGN
and Don Quixote is like NO TIME FOR THAT I HAVE TO KILL THESE GIANTS
and Sancho Panza is like NO YOU IDIOT THOSE ARE WINDMILLS
and Don Quixote is like THEY WERE GIANTS A FEW MINUTES AGO
I TOTALLY SAW THEM
CLEARLY A WIZARD WAS INVOLVED
NOW I AM INJURED BUT WHATEVER IT’S COOL
then they sleep outside because they’re lost/morons

actually when i say they sleep
i mean Sancho sleeps
Don Quixote doesn’t sleep
or put food and water in his mouth
basically he is a robot that eats sanity and shits violence
but less cool than that sounds
anyway at least one of them goes to sleep

and the rest is going to have to wait til Saturday
because this book is fucking LONG
like it is a sextuple-decker failure sandwich with all the trimmings
and my jaw is only so wide my friends
ONLY SO WIDE

demonstrably NOT the end.

God Damn spelled backwards is almost Mad Dog, Which makes sense because I’m sure the Inferno is full of those

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Hey metafilter what’s up
I see you like myths
good thing I forgot to wear a shirt today
otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to record THIS:

Sometimes I worry that God never had any really good ideas for hell
and he just sort of waited for Dante to come along
and then copied all the shit he came up with
it’ll suck if that turns out to be what happened

The Holy Grail is Exciting. Galahad is Not.

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Quick announcement my friends:
I am still going to post all the Arthurian myths
that have been requested thus far
but i’m not going to be taking any more arthurian requests
cuz i am working on some secret special project nonsense now
EXCITING
(I will still take requests for other shit though just to be clear)

Alright so when last we left our heroes

Percival was a retard
Lancelot was a masochist
Galahad was the chosen one
and Bors was less important than everyone else
EXCELLENT
SHALL WE CONTINUE?
YES

so Lancelot gets back to camelot
and Arthur is like whoa fuck
welcome back dude
let’s have a feast
but Sir Kay busts into the room like NOT SO FAST ASSHOLE
ONE TIME WHEN YOU WERE SUPER DRUNK
YOU MADE A PLEDGE
THAT YOU WOULD NEVER EAT DINNER ON SUNDAY
UNTIL YOU HAD SOME KIND OF LUDICROUS ADVENTURE
and Arthur is like oh fuck
guess we can’t eat because of my shortsighted drunken oath

but then RIGHT ON CUE
here comes some dude like hey guys
a bigass stone just appeared in the moat
AND GUESS WHAT
it has a SWORD in it
did merlin do this?
seems like his M.O.
fuck no merlin hasn’t gone anywhere near these assholes in YEARS
he’s off getting his dick sucked by pterodactyls in the prehistoric or some shit
who knows
he’s merlin
he does what he wants

anyway they all go out to see this sword
and there is a big plaque on it
like HEY ONLY THE BEST KNIGHT EVER CAN PULL ME OUT
PS IF YOU TRY TO PULL ME OUT AND FAIL
IMA STAB YOU LATER
so Arthur is like hey lancelot
you’re the best knight ever right?
go pull out this sword
and Lancelot is like fuck no
I have a REALLY ABYSMAL SELF IMAGE
also i don’t want to get stabbed
and Arthur is like shit well if Lancelot can’t do it
then no one can
hey Gawain see if you can do it
and Gawain
who has a habit of agreeing to EVERY SHITTY PROPOSITION
is like yeah sure
and he tries
and predictably fails
and arthur is like BALLS
now you’re gonna get stabbed dude
…
hey percival try and pull out the sword
and Percival is like DUR OK
and he ALSO fails
and arthur is like DOUBLE BALLS
ok well this counts as an adventure let’s have dinner

but no sooner do they start having dinner
then BAM Galahad shows up
and oh yeah i forgot to tell you
there’s this seat at the round table
that no one is allowed to sit at
because if you sit in it it sets you on fire
dunno why they keep it around honestly
but anyway when galahad shows up the chair is like HEY GALAHAD SIT ON ME
BEEN WAITING FOR YOU A LONG TIME BUDDY
so galahad sits right there
smack dab next to his absentee father actually
and then not only that but suddenly THE GRAIL SHOWS UP
GUYS WHY ARE THEY EVEN LOOKING FOR THIS THING IT IS JUST FOLLOWING THEM AROUND
and it gives everyone their favorite food
and then leaves
and Gawain
who of all the knights of the round table
is the dude who knows how to party the hardiest
is like DUDES
WE TOTALLY GOTTA GET THIS FUCKING GRAIL
OUR FEASTS WILL BE THE BOMB DIGGITY
and everyone is like shit yeah let’s do this
and Arthur is like no wait guys don’t leave me alone aww
well at least hang out long enough for Galahad to try drawing that sword
you know
from that stone?
and Galahad is like oh yeah i kinda know all about that shit
i actually brought a scabbard for it
no sword just a scabbard
i’m Galahad
you are going to have to get used to this kind of behavior from me
and he goes outside and takes the sword
and it is not very exciting at all
and then arthur is like shit well that was a buzzkill
HEY GUYS LET’S HAVE A TOURNAMENT
and Galahad refuses to wear a shield for some stupid reason
and then just straight handles everyone
all the way to the ground
except for Percival and Lancelot who just stay the fuck away
and Arthur is like well that was boring
alright guys I guess it’s grailtime
man i’m gonna be so lonely
PS pretty sure most of you are going to die on this quest
so uh
bye?

so then Galahad suits up and heads out
still without a shield
and pretty soon he comes across some monastery or something
and he is kind of tired
or at least his horse is tired
Galahad doesn’t get tired
he just gets progressively more perfect
anyway he goes into the monastery
and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
TWO OTHER KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE ARE THERE
including world champion stupid-name-haver
sir Bagdemagus
and Galahad is like hey guys what are you doing here
and Bagdemagus is like DUDE THERE IS THIS SWEET SHIELD HERE
EVERYONE WHO WEARS IT EITHER DIES OR GETS MAIMED
TOTALLY GONNA WEAR IT
so the monks show them the shield
and they are like dudes
if you are not the best knight ever
this shield is just gonna rain a whole world of pain on you
and Bagdemagus is like WELL I OBJECTIVELY KNOW
THAT I AM NOT THE BEST KNIGHT EVER
STUDIES HAVE SHOWN THIS
BUT FUCK IT I’MA WEAR IT ANYWAY
and Galahad is like ok dude i’ll just wait here
you know
for your corpse to get brought back and then i’ll take the shield
cause it’s mine
i mean duh that’s why i’m not wearing a shield
and Bagdemagus is like ARRIGHT DUDE SEE YOU IN A BIT

so Baggy-d gets like ten feet outside the monastery when a knight shows up
like HEY ASSHOLE LET’S FIGHT
as you do
and then IMMEDIATELY RUINS BAGGY’S SHIT
and is like dude that shield really clashes with your EVERYTHING
go give it to Galahad
and then Galahad is like alright well that was predictable
and Bagdemagus is like ERK DYING

CUT TO LANCELOT AND PERCIVAL
they’re just wandering through the woods
suddenly Galahad shows up
but
true to custom
no one knows who anyone else is
so they all start trying to beat the shit out of each other
except galahad doesn’t try
he just succeeds
and he hits Percival in the head real hard with his sword in the process
PROPHECY
FULFILLED
and then some hermit shows up like hey lancelot you kinda suck now huh
and then Galahad gets the fuck out of there
and Lancelot goes off to cry alone in the forest

so he’s in the forest
he passes out
some dude comes and steals his armor while he’s asleep
he goes to confession to try and convince god to give it back
and god gives it back
but then lancelot just proceeds to get unhorsed
again and again
by progressively less skilled knights
until he starts to feel REALLY shitty
guess god has a new favorite dude now?

MEANWHILE PERCIVAL
he is walking off his galahad induced concussion
when he finds a boat covered in black silk
his evil alarm should be going off at this point
but it is not
because remember
he is an idiot
so he gets on the boat and there’s a chick there
and she’s like hey Percival wanna fuck?
and Percival is like only if you get me drunk first
so she does
but then at the last second he remembers that Jesus hates sexytimes
and he crosses himself
AND THE WHOLE BOAT EXPLODES
CONVENIENT
and then the chick turns into a witch and is like DAMN YOUUUU
and flies away
at which point a WHITE boat shows up
and percival is like ok well this seems safe
and he gets on THAT boat and it sails away
guys if I were an evil witch
i would probably set myself up in a white boat
because no one seems to suspect white boats of ANYTHING
anyway then a few minutes later Sir Bors finds that same boat
as a result of his shitty god-trials
and he’s like oh shit hey percival what’s good
and Percival is like
EVERYTHING

Meanwhile Galahad is riding through the woods
winning at all things ever
seriously
this dude wins at so many things in such a short period of time
not even MALORY bothers to say what they were
and Malory fucking talks exhaustively about EVERYTHING
i mean normally Lancelot can’t even scratch his fucking balls
without Malory composing an eight page long sentence about it
but somehow Galahad manages to bore EVERYONE
WITH THE SHEER MAGNITUDE OF HIS SUCCESS
so after he does this for a while
he rolls up on a castle
and he sees a bunch of knights hanging out outside
I guess siegeing the fuck out of it?
it is not clear from the information given what they are actually doing there
anyway Galahad sees all these dudes and is like WELP
GUESS I BETTER HIT THEM WITH SWORDS
so he rides by
and he smacks some guys off their horses
and then swordslaps some asshole in the helmet REALLY HARD
and that asshole?
HE IS SIR GAWAIN
BOOM
PROPHECY
DOUBLE-FULFILLED
and then Galahad rides away before anyone can figure out what’s happening
so basically
Galahad’s main role so far
has been to show up just long enough to seriously wound his sworn comrades
then ride away as fast as he can
SPORTING AS FUCK
anyway then he finds that white boat the other dudes are on
also Percival’s sister shows up
she’s like yo percival what’s good
and Percival is like
AS I WAS JUST TELLING MY PAL BORS:
EVERYTHING

so the boat just starts magically taking them somewhere
and they land next to a castle
and some knights come out like
HEY
WELCOME TO SHITTY CASTLE
I SEE YOU HAVE A WOMAN
GONNA NEED HER BLOOD REAL QUICK
and the three knights are like aw hell no
and proceed to murder the fuck out of all the other dudes
ALL DAY
until the dudes from the castle are like ok
we get it
you are great at killing
we still need that blood though
seriously we have a chick in here that is dying
she needs virgin blood all over her face
and Percival’s sister is like fuck it whatever
and Percival is like SIS
THAT IS GOING TO KILL YOU
and Percival’s sister is like dude look
it’s either this or go back home and embroider for the rest of my shitty life
this right here
this is the most metal way that I can hope to die
i’m going for it
so she does
and then probably her blood fails to heal the other chick
BECAUSE THAT IS NOT HOW MEDICINE WORKS
PEOPLE ARE NOT VAMPIRES

anyway then they drag Percival’s sister’s body back onto the boat
and the boat sails them to some castle where the grail is
and they staple a note to her boob for Lancelot to find later
and they go inside to check out this grail shit

MEANWHILE LANCELOT STAYS FAILING
but i guess he finally abuses himself enough
by wearing an uncomfortable shirt and repeatedly apologizing to god
that god is finally like UGH SHUT UP FINE
and the boat shows up with the dead chick in it
and Lancelot climbs aboard and finds the note
like lol we found the grail tough tits lancelot
and he’s like aw damn
maybe i can still make it in time to see the grail a little?
so the boat takes him to the same castle
and he climbs out and he goes to the door
and there are some lions but they aren’t really a problem
and he gets to the door to the hall where everyone is chilling with the grail
BUT HE CAN’T GO INSIDE
THERE IS A SWORD AND IT IS LIKE NO LANCELOT FUCK YOU
and Lancelot is like dammit sword
at least move out of the way so i can see the grail a little bit
I am trying to get a good photo for my vacation slide show
and the sword is like HOW ABOUT INSTEAD I KNOCK YOU OUT FOR A MONTH
and lancelot is like well that works too i guess
and he wakes up a month later and goes home
and makes more sex mistakes with Guenevere

MEANWHILE Bors Percival and Galahad roll out with the grail
and IMMEDIATELY get arrested by some shitty king
but it’s okay because they have the grail
which apparently has the power to turn dungeons into party city
they are in jail for years but it doesn’t even matter
and finally the king dies and he calls them all up like dudes
i am so sorry about that shit
and now i am dead
and everyone is like fuck who should be king
oh
how about GALAHAD
He’s great at everything why didn’t we think of this to begin with
so Galahad is king
but only for like ten minutes
because then Jesus and God and Joseph of Arimathea and Zeus and David Bowie show up
like hey Galahad come up to heaven
make sure to bring the grail
and Galahad is like I THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER ASK
so they beam him up to heaven
and Percival is like AW BALLS
and dies of sadness in a monestary
and Bors is like well shit
better go back to Camelot and make sure my uncle isn’t making any sex mistakes
and then the kingdom is like well shit
who’s gonna be king now?
and then they probably get murdered by the Saxons
and nobody gets to see the grail ever again
ESPECIALLY not Gawain

So the moral of the story
is you can achieve the impossible
if you just believe
but honestly it isn’t worth it
because you have to like never have sex or anything
plus as soon as you achieve the impossible
your friend with leukemia is just going to grab it and ascend to heaven

THE END

It’s your birthday! Let’s talk about murder and slavery.

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4

fuck it I might as well just post it
i posted it several hours ago by accident anyway
and it’s like 10AM in sweden so LET’S DO THIS
BONUS POST GUYS

cause guess what
right now
somewhere in sweden
a dude named Isak is turning FIFTEEN YEARS OLD
IT IS THE YEAR FORETOLD IN PROPHECY
AND BECAUSE OF THIS IT IS TIME FOR MORE NORSE MYTH

I actually had some trouble picking a myth for this
because see in norse mythology
pretty much the only time anyone important gets born
is right at the fucking beginning
and then later when loki fucks Angrbothe
and she poops out a wolf and the world serpent and HELL
and then that other time when loki fucks a horse
and gives birth to a mutant horse
and I’ve already DONE all of those
so this is the closest I could get to some birth related shit:

alright so Thor

he is a dude who is romping and stomping pretty much 26 hours out of every 24
so WHERE DOES HE FIND TIME TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE?
ANSWER:
he doesn’t
he just murders the goats that pull his chariot
eats them
then IMMEDIATELY RESURRECTS THEM WITH MJOLNIR
so they are getting born like SEVERAL TIMES A DAY
THAT IS SO MANY BIRTHDAYS MY FRIENDS
oh yeah
forgot to tell you guys
Mjolnir can resurrect shit now?
also i guess put the meat back on bodies?
because i mean i can’t imagine it would be very humane
to just keep resurrecting goats
into an endless hell of fleshless torment
then again thor isn’t very humane
but he DOES like meat
so same difference
REMEMBER GUYS
THIS IS THE CLOSEST THING I COULD FIND TO A BIRTH MYTH
AFTER SEARCHING FOR ABOUT AN HOUR
THE KILLING-TO-BIRTH RATIO IN THIS PANTHEON
IS PRETTY FAR IN FAVOR OF THE KILLING

ANYWAY
one day thor is just tearing around the countryside
beating the shit out of mountains and showing rivers who’s boss
when he is like FUCK
i am kind of tired
better just barge into some random house and demand to sleep there
HEY GUYS WHAT’S GOOD
MIND IF I STAY IN YOUR HOUSE
PS
I CAN RIP YOU APART USING JUST TWO OF MY PREHENSILE TREE-TRUNK-SIZED PUBIC HAIRS
and the family who lives in the house is um yes
stay as long as you want

so thor gets ready to crash out
but then he thinks to himself
fuck
maybe i am kind of abusing the hospitality of my gracious hosts
in fact
pretty sure that’s exactly what i’m doing
HEY GUYS WANNA HELP ME EAT SOME GOATS?
and everyone is like WE THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER ASK
so they all settle down to eat them some goats
prolly thor has to resurrect the goats like 5 or 6 times
seeing as he has a track record of DEVOURING ENTIRE FEASTS BY HIMSELF
and they all just keep on eating
but what Thor did not count on
is that one of the kids in this house is a fucking moron
cause see there’s this dude Thialfi
who is like man these goats are delicious
but not as delicious as THE INSIDES OF THEIR BONES I BET
YUM
and he breaks open a bone and he sucks out the marrow
and it actually prolly tastes fairly shitty cause he only breaks one bone
and then thor goes to resurrect his goats and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ONE OF THEM HAS A BROKE-ASS LEG
and he is like THIALFIIIIII
YOU ARE MY SLAVE NOW FOREVER
and Thialfi is like bummer
and then he kind of has to follow Thor around
while Thor does stupid shit until Ragnarok

So the moral of the story is
don’t suck the marrow out of goat bones
why the fuck would you even do that?
the delicious part is the meat part
plus eating the meat part does not get you enslaved to a thunder god forever

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ISAK