Still missing vital parts of my throat
but Moses kindly agreed to fill in for me again
honestly i don’t think the dude has much going on right now
pretty sure I saw him holding a sign outside of Ralph’s
it said “WILL WORK MIRACLES FOR FOOD”
PS: Currently making shirt stencils in this order:
– NORSE CRISIS FLOWCHART
– DWARVES DRINKING MY BLOOD
– CROSSDRESSING
they should be ready to order in the next few days
Alright guys I’m all twacked out on codiene right now
but it’s not really working
except that it is making me sleepy and retarded
so what I think is happening
is I am living in a magical kingdom
where things only have negative side effects
anyway here’s a myth suggested by this dude Ryan
let’s see if my fingers work
so there’s this fucking seminary right
(one of my favorite things about having this blog
is I get to routinely use words like fucking and seminary
IN THE SAME GODDAMN SENTENCE)
anyway there are all of these jackasses who go to school there
seriously none of them are quality people
basically the older they get
the more shitfaced they get as a matter of course
and they basically just spend most of their time
beating the shit out of each other
and stealing food from the locals
THIS IS CLASS A EDUCATION MY FRIENDS
anyway everybody’s favorite time of year
seeing as there is pretty much nothing good
about going to seminary school
is the time of year when everybody gets to go home for summer vacation
except here’s the thing
half of these dudes don’t HAVE homes
because remember
this is russia
or actually the Ukraine
where every vector of misery is EXHAUSTIVELY EXPLORED
so what they all do
is they all get together
and they start walking down the road to fuck knows where
hitting up folks along the way
and kind of just living in their houses for as long as possible
eating the maximum possible quantity of food
drinking the maximum possible quantity of booze
so after a while the procession starts to get pretty slim
you know
when all the dudes with actual CHARISMA have found places to stay
and pretty soon it is down to just these three assholes
Thomas, Khalava and Tiberius
one thing I will say for russia:
SWEET NAMES
anyway these dudes have been walking for DAYS
and they are pretty hungry and tired
and they are out in the middle of bumfuck nowhere with no place to sleep
and it is getting pretty late
and Khalava is like alright guys i guess we should just camp here
but Thomas
who is a douchebag
is like come on dudes I gotta get my drunk on
lets find someone who we can steal booze from
and Khalava
who is also a douchebag
and also a kleptomaniac
is like sure ok
so they wander through this fucking forest for a really long time
and finally they find this janky looking house
and an old woman comes out
like get the fuck off my lawn kids
and they are like fuck no come on
are you really gonna let us like die in the woods
and the old woman is like fuck fine
one of you can sleep in the closet
one of you can sleep on the floor
and one of you can sleep in the sheep pen
and while she is saying this Khalava has already stolen some fish
and then he forgets about it
and Thomas steals the fish from Khalava
2X STEAL COMBO
so Thomas goes to sleep in the sheep pen
after devouring the fuck out of the fish he doublestole
and maybe fifteen minutes pass when the old woman waltzes in
and starts walking towards Tomas not really saying anything
and Thomas is like whoa now granny
normally I am all for some hot geriatric loving
but i just walked a very long distance today
and i don’t quite have my sexlegs under me right now
if you catch my drift
but granny is NOT CATCHING ANY OF HIS DRIFT WHATSOEVER
she just keeps walking towards him
and then he notices
HER FUCKING EYES ARE GLOWING
and he is like WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT
and she jumps on his back
and literally rides his ass all across the countryside
like YAH TRICK YAH
for hours and hours
til he’s super tired
and he finally thinks maybe it’d be a good idea
to start shouting every exorcism he knows
DUDE WHY DIDNT YOU DO THIS EARLIER
but anyway it works
and the old woman falls off his back
and then Thomas gets on HER back
and is like WHO IS THE TRICK NOW
and beats her with a stick while she runs around
until some time around dawn she falls down from exhaustion
and then turns into a beautiful woman?
so Thomas does the only sensible thing
which is run to Kiev
and never speak of this shit again
except maybe a week or two goes by
when some messenger comes
like hey dude
this hot chick showed up at her dad’s house
dying of exhaustion
she wants you to come say prayers over her for 3 days
and Thomas is like FUCK NO
and everyone is like DO IT OR GET HIT WITH STICKS
so he finally does it
he shows up at this chick’s dad’s place
and he goes to see the body
and SURPRISE SURPRISE
IT’S THE CHICK HE BEAT TO DEATH OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE
although honestly this is not a surprise at all
what other hot chick is gonna know this prick’s name?
anyway now he REALLY doesn’t wanna say prayers over her
but they make him do it anyway
so the first night
he’s in this old abandoned church
just him and the body
and he’s saying prayers
and suddenly the chick sits up in her coffin
like hey dude you done fucked up
and Thomas is like SHIT SHIT FUCKBALLS
and draws a magic circle of protection around himself
so she can’t get him
at which point she decides the best course of action
is to fly around the church in her coffin
trying to scare him out of the circle
i guess flying coffins are pretty scary
i’ve seen a few in my day
but they are not scary enough
to make a dude abandon his ONE VESTIGE OF SAFETY
so that is a colossal failure
but luckily for witchtits
Thomas still has to say prayers for TWO MORE FUCKING DAYS
that’s right
it’s a motherfucking PRAYERSTRAVAGANZA UP IN THIS CHURCH
so the second night
the witch gets all her demon pals together
and they ALL start flying all the fuck around the church
but here is the problem with these demons:
THEY CANNOT SEE THOMAS FOR SOME REASON
so that’s basically worthless
and Thomas manages to escape death for another night
but there is still one more night
for this chick to get this whole unholy murder thing right
so on the last night
i guess she calls in a favor with this evil gnome king
his name is Viy
or Vij
depending on who you ask
and like what time of day it is
doesn’t really matter what his name is
what matters
is he has eyelids that reach ALL THE WAY TO THE FLOOR
and he can see
EVERYTHING
guys
these two traits seem contradictory
but anyway
Thomas shows up at the church for the third night in a row
i mean i’m not going to sell this dude short
he TRIES to escape
but everyone is like fuck no
it is for some reason extremely important
that you say as many prayers AS HUMANLY POSSIBLE OVER THIS FUCKING BODY
so he’s more or less boned
and they haul in this droopy-lidded motherfucker
and Thomas KNOWS he shouldn’t look at it when they lift up its eyebrows
but he does it anyway
because i mean
at this point
i think he pretty much knows he’s fucked
and he sees this really gross face basically
and then Vij is like hey demons
DEMONS
the dude is right there
he’s been standing right there the whole time
what the fuck guys
can’t you see?
you know what you guys need?
droopier eyelids
so then all the demons swarm up on Thomas
and he dies of fright or whatever
and then the story ends with his shitty friends
talking about how he totally had this coming
for no better reason than that they are assholes
and that is the kind of shit assholes say
when their friends die
so the moral of the story
is if you are looking for a place to spend the night
and your only option is a woman who is clearly a witch
consider camping as an alternative
witches are really shitty hosts is what it comes down to
alright i’m going to go cry tears of blood and hate now
THE END.
shit guys
I kind of forgot i was getting my tonsils taken out yesterday
i can’t really do a video
so uh
I got Moses to do one for me
you may recognize him from his roles in:
The Bible
Ok so look guys
I know you are all itching to get all up on some ADVANCED arthurian shit
Like Morgan Lefay and Sir Gallahad and Tristram and whatnot
but there are people here
as of yet UNINITIATED IN THE RIGORS OF THE CANON
whoa shit did someone just write an english paper in here
i mean anyway
what is important right now
is that we get the basics covered
because i can’t very well tell you a story about king arthur
if he isn’t even a fucking KING yet can I
Ok so merlin straight up steals a baby
you may remember that part from Saturday
anyway about ten minutes pass
before merlin realizes that he is TOTALLY UNDEREQUIPPED FOR FATHERHOOD
he in fact has absolutely no idea how babies work
like what the fuck are these?
tiny hands?
GET SOME REGULAR SIZED HANDS ASSHOLE
OH YOU WANT FOOD NOW?
WHERE DID ALL THIS POOP COME FROM?
OH NO TIME TO WORRY ABOUT THAT HERE COMES MILKY WHITE VOMIT
BABIES ARE BASICALLY GOD’S LITTLE BOOBY TRAPS
so he decides to solve this problem
in much the same way that he solves all of his problems
WITH GRATUITOUS TELEPORTATION
so he just appears in this dude Hector’s garden
and is like hey dude i found this baby
it’s going to need fifteen years of fatherhood
you have some fatherhood lying around right?
and Hector is like shit man let me ask my wife
and Merlin is like FUCK THIS I’M BORED
and he disappears with the baby
but PLOT TWIST
he actually just teleported it onto Hector’s wife’s tits
WHICH ARE ONLY ABOUT MAYBE TWENTY FEET AWAY
HE COULD HAVE JUST WALKED INTO THE NEXT ROOM
AND HANDED THE BABY TO HER
MERLIN: PERHAPS TELEPORTING TOO MUCH?
anyway Hector’s wife is pretty much fine with this
for no rational reason whatsoever
except i guess women like babies?
wait that’s not a rational reason i forgot
anyway from that day on Arthur is hector’s son I guess
or should I say SECOND son
because Hector already has a son
named Kay
which pisses me off
because it reminds me of that fucking diamond jingle
and diamonds piss me off
they are so fucking smug and expensive
and you can’t even teach them a lesson by crushing them
because GUESS WHAT THEY’RE INDESTRUCTIBLE
anyway Arthur and Kay grow up together
and Hector decides they are going to be knights
because dammit he’s a knight
and his daddy was a knight
and if you look back at his family tree
it’s KNIGHTS ALL THE WAY DOWN
so they get trained in basically every way you can murder
and Arthur is INVARIABLY BETTER at EVERYTHING
which naturally pisses Kay off
but Kay was a little bitch to begin with so it’s okay
Meanwhile Merlin is living about two miles down the street
willfully ignoring the existence of this child he stole
until fifteen years have passed
and Uther has died of Siphyllus
at which point the archbishop of canterbury calls merlin up
like yo merlin we’re kind of fucked right now
we don’t have a king anymore
and all the bastard children he fathered are basically retards
his wife isn’t even hot anymore
she got really unbelievably fat somewhere along the line
oh and also the Saxons are invading
can you hook a brother up with a king right quick
and Merlin is like I HAVE A PLAN
IT IS A PLAN I HAVE HAD FOR A WHILE
IT INVOLVES TELEPORTING
so he teleports to Canterbury cathedral
and WHAM WHIZZOW KADABAZANG
makes this stone appear
with an anvil on it
and a sword in the anvil
and the archbishop is like oh well that’s cool i guess
but what’s the fucking point
and merlin is like ONLY THE TRUE HEIR TO THE THRONE CAN TAKE OUT THE SWORD
and the archbishop is like oh sweet
well
I guess let me know when he shows up
SO WORD GETS AROUND
and pretty soon every dude who owns a chainmail cocksock is there
trying to pull out this sword
INCLUDING Arthur and Kay and Hector
although really they don’t try to pull it out immediately
because there’s prolly a huge line
and it’s really hot out
and anyway it’s a goddamn carnival of failure over there
so what’s the fucking point
in any case Kay is actually a little famous at this point
i guess because his training has overcome his natural pussitude
but he’s still kind of a tool
anyway days pass
and NO ONE can pull this damn sword out
so they get bored
and decide to beat the shit out of each other
IN A GENTLEMANLY FASHION
so they have a tournament
now arthur is too young to be in the tournament
i guess it’s fine to fuck 11 year old girls in this world
but a 15 year old star athlete cannot attempt to murder grown men
kind of a double standard
but anyway Kay enters in the tournament
and he actually does an okay job for a total pussnexus
but then he kind of gets too big for his codpiece
and decides to go up against some asshole like THREE TIMES HIS SIZE
and that dude just straight up SNAPS HIS SWORD IN HALF
although luckily it is not possible to emasculate Kay
since he WASN’T A TRUE MAN TO BEGIN WITH
here’s why:
so kay goes crying back to the sidelines
and he’s like ARTHUR ARTHUR
GET ME A NEW SWORD
and Arthur is like I’M ON IT
so he runs back to his dad’s tent
but no one is there
and they are OUT OF SWORDS
GUYS
IF YOU’RE A BUNCH OF KNIGHTS
YOU DON’T WANNA BE CAUGHT WITHOUT ANY SWORDS
SWORDS ARE LIKE TOILET PAPER FOR KNIGHTS
SOMETIMES THEY ACTUALLY ARE TOILET PAPER FOR KNIGHTS
DON’T ASK ME HOW THAT WORKS
so arthur is like fuck
where am I going to get a sword
oh I know
there’s that sword in front of the cathedral
I don’t really know anything about it
because one of my superpowers is never paying attention
but I bet that would be a super sweet sword to give to my bro
so he goes
and he gets it
and he brings it to Kay
it isn’t a big deal
he just sort of lightly removes the legendary sword
from its indestructible pedestal
nothing to write home about
but when he brings it to kay
like hey bro i heard you liked swords
Kay is like WHOA WHAT WHERE HEY WHO WHAT UM
let me just go ahead and steal this sword real quick?
and arthur is like what do you mean steal i got it for you
and Kay is like DON’T SASS ME I’M KING NOW
so kay quits the tournament
and calls his dad back to their swordless tent
and is like hey dad
um so
I have this sword you might be interested in
check it out
and Hector is like I JUST SHAT MYSELF
and Kay is like so I’m king now right
and Hector is like BULLSHIT
YOU’RE A FUCKING PUSSY
YOU DIDN’T PULL THIS SWORD OUT OF THE STONE AT ALL
and kay is like yeah i did i totally did
and Hector is like OH YEAH WELL PUT IT BACK IN THEN
and kay is like what
who puts a sword back in something
that they have already taken it out of
doesn’t that defeat the purpose of taking the sword out of the thing
and Hector is like CLEARLY YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD OF STABBING REPEATEDLY
and Kay is like fuck fine
how hard can it be
WELL IT TURNS OUT IT IS HARDER THAN A PEDOPHILE AT A WATER PARK
Kay is just hunched over that stone
repeatedly failjabbing it with his wusshands
until arthur is like hold on wait a second
let me try
and he just proceeds to swordfuck that stone
long and deep
again and again
until everyone is more or less satisfied
with the idea of being ruled over by a tween
(although actually not everyone is satisfied
but we will talk about that later)
so at this point Kay is like fuck my cover is blown
oh well i guess there is nothing left to do
but beg my brother for a cushy position in his new government
and Arthur is like yeah bro i’ll totally hook you up
but hm
i guess this means you’re not actually my brother huh
pretty sure my dad is that crazy rapefiend who just died of the syph
he was kind of a shitty dad though actually so that’s ok
let’s never speak of it again
and then he goes on to be king and have adventures
so the moral of the story
is that ultimately the only trait
that will get you anywhere in life
is the ability to pull things out of other things
and then put them back in again
the end.
hey guys
if you are here as a result of Ryan North’s excellent internet comedy contraption
welcome
also you should scroll down past all these videos and read some text myths
like this one or this one or this one
because some of those are pretty awesome
and they are mainly what this site is made out of
and anyway this video is part 3 of an ongoing series
so you might be a little out of the loop if you just watch this one
BUT HERE IT IS ANYWAY
I think i might start wearing this hat every day.
Alright here’s some more video
now I kind of broke my usual pattern
of not editing this shit at all
because i actually kind of yelled so loud
that my mic broke towards the end
so i had to splice some shit in instead of recording a new take
BUT IF THAT BOTHERS YOU I GUESS YOU CAN GO FUCK YOURSELF
keep the faith, my friends.
Alright so King Arthur right
OH SHIT WAIT SLOWWWW DOWN
because at this point in the story
king arthur isn’t even king yet
and in fact
he is not even born
it is pretty hard to be king when you are not born guys
because babies are stupid
and sperm is even stupider than babies
trust me i have tried to teach sperm to do all these tricks
but it just sits there
fucking worthless
ok so really the guy we should be talking about
is motherfucking UTHER PENDRAGON
my friends
if you have the word dragon
ANYWHERE in your fucking name
you are destined for greatness
and this guy is already basically as great as you can possibly get
because see
England has a bunch of kings right
but Uther
is KING OF ALL THOSE KINGS
that’s right
there are so many kings
THE KINGS HAVE KINGS
Now here is where the different tellings of this story diverge
that’s right
THEY DIVERGE BEFORE THE STORY EVEN GETS STARTED ASSHOLES
because when you are reading myths about king arthur
you have a couple of options
one is to read Malory
who basically tells it like it is
another is to read Howard Pyle
who takes Malory
straps a chastity belt on him
straps a chastity belt on the chastity belt
then dips the whole thing in a vat of shamesauce
OR you can read Thomas Berger
who takes Howard Pyle
chops his legs off
straps him to a jetpack
glues a pair of tits to his face
and sets him on fire
guess which one i picked
so like I said Uther is pretty much set for life
but all this glory hardly even registers
on his royal give-a-shit-ometer
because what he is concerned with
is banging some other dude’s wife
the dude’s name is Gorlois
and his main trait is that he has a hot wife
named Ygraine
so Uther is like HM
I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THIS WOMAN
BUT SHE’S MARRIED
I KNOW
I WILL DECLARE WAR ON HER HUSBAND
THIS IS SURE TO WIN HER OVER
a tactic that has withstood the test of time
so he does this
and Gorlois’ first response is to just run the fuck away
leaving behind his wife in his castle
and getting the fuck besieged out of him in this other castle
i do not know whose idea this brilliant tactic was
but they need a medal
what this does manage to do however
is keep Uther from killing Gorlois pretty much indefinitely
at which point Uther actually gets ILL WITH RAGE
yes
some people are so full of fury that it can actually cause DISEASES
and he is like RRRRRRRRRR
WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK I WANT TO BANG THIS CHICK SO BAD
but then his pal ulfin shows up and is like dude what the fuck
you’re Uther motherfucking pendragon
the only limiting factor on the number of women you can bone
at any given time
is how many penises you have
look i know this wizard merlin
he can give you like
a plethora of dicks
you will forget all about this skank ho Ygraine i promise
and Uther
whose main talent is not listening to people
is like MERLIN OF COURSE
I WILL HIRE HIM TO HELP ME BONE YGRAINE
so he sends some dudes to go find merlin
and they all find this lake
and they are super thirsty
so they drink out of it
and BAM they turn into frogs
and merlin shows up like HAHA ASSHOLES
I’M A WIZARD WHATS UP
OH YOU NEED ME TO GO SEE UTHER
I KNEW THAT ALREADY
CAUSE GUESS WHAT PISSCORKS
I’M MERLIN
SPELLED M-E-R-L-DON’T FUCK WITH ME
and then he teleports to Uther’s castle
and all those dudes get eaten by monsters
So uther is crying tears of pure rage in his throne room
and WHAM BAM BAZZZAM
Merlin arrives
like HEY UTHER WHATS GOOD I HEAR YOU NEED TO GET LAID
and Uther is like YOU HEARD RIGHT
and merlin is like YOU’RE IN LUCK BUDDY
GETTING PEOPLE LAID IS WHAT I DO
 |
| Amauri Siegel done did this |
ALSO BASICALLY ANYTHING ELSE I WANT
AT ALL TIMES
so here is what we are going to do
I am going to turn you into Gorlois
then
you are going to fuck Ygraine
also I will turn me and Ulfin into some of Gorlois’ dudes
cause why not
and Uther is like wait hold on
how much is this gonna cost
I am kind of cash poor at the moment
and Merlin is like whatever dude I don’t accept cash anyway
I only accept CHILDREN
and Uther is like whoa what
and Merlin is like dude you’re gonna have a kid with Ygraine
he’s gonna be a super great king
and since I am basically making his existence happen
through a winning combination of my wand and your dick
I get to be his dad
them’s the rules
and Uther is like I don’t know man
and Merlin is like have you SEEN Ygraine’s tits?
and Uther is like not as much as I would like to
and Merlin is like and you’re telling me
you don’t want some consequence free sex
with basically the equivalent of fourteen supermodels
duct taped to a missile
full of SEX PHEREMONES
and Uther is like i don’t even know what half of those words were
but i’m sold
let’s do this
so Merlin changes everybody into everybody else
and then he gets bored and teleports them all to Gorlois’ castle
and there are pretty much NO GUARDS AT ALL
they basically just waltz right in
except waltzing has not been invented yet
so they like
gallivant I guess
or sashay maybe
anyway they go inside and merlin just happens to know where Ygraine is at
and he takes Uther there and is like go for it buddy
so Uther goes in there and Ygraine is like whoa shit
hey husband I thought you got killed
and Uther is like less talk more intercourse
and proceeds win the all around gold medal in the vagina olympics
AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN
until finally Ulfin comes knocking on the door
and Uther is like WHAT IM TRYING TO GET LAID HERE
and Ulfin is like um well Gorlois is dead
and Uther is like SWEET
now I can stop wearing this shitty disguise
and just bang this chick regular-like
so he does that
for like several days or something
and she gets preggers
and then Uther proceeds to go on a completely unreasonable party tour
all across england
with his entire army
literally raping the fuck out of every woman over the age of 11
or actually he is not raping very much
but ALL HIS MEN are raping more or less nonstop
he is too busy boning his stolen wife
but then he kind of forgets about her for a while
and about the child she is carrying
and she gives birth to this little kid
named Arthur
and all of a sudden Merlin appears like
OH A BABY
DON’T MIND IF I DO
YOINK
and everyone is kind of perplexed by this
but they have learned not to fuck with Merlin
because fucking with Merlin is how you get turned into frogs
and then pretty soon after that Uther dies
probably from venereal disease but it could be anything
so the moral of the story
is if you want to basically just do what you want all the time
be a wizard
they seem to have that shit on lockdown
The End.
so here is part one of a video just like i promised
it is about moses and god and snakes
and i think i say tits in it at least once so that’s a win
ALSO
SHIRTS
probably gonna make whichever 3 shirts get the most votes
and if you guys are cool with it
I’m going to just make them myself
using stencils and spraypaint
a la THIS GUY
because cafepress and every site like it is a waste of time
that would force me to charge you guys exorbitant amounts of money
for shitty inferior products that don’t even look as good
as i can make them look on my own
plus if I make them myself I can do them in whatever colors you guys want
because the tshirt shop down the street is amazing
also I made a shitty mspaint mockup
of what the Norse Flowchart is gonna look like
just to get the idea across
you can see it after the jump
i promise the stencil will actually look like something other than shit
we cool?
OK MYTH
I MADE TWO VERSIONS
WHICH ONE DO YOU LIKE OR DO THEY BOTH SUCK TELL ME TELL ME TELL ME
Alright guys
you keep showing up in droves
(especially yesterday thanks to cracked again
and the fucking huffington post
also this crocheting forum called ravelry
what the fuck thank you guys)
so I have to keep making announcements
first off, do you guys like shirts?
I know sometimes I have problems being clothed
and when those problems happen it is good to have shirts
see i had this idea:
I could make some shirts with the morals of some of the myths on them
like the moral of this one or this one
and maybe you would like those?
let me know,
and also let me know what morals you would like if you would like any
secondly you guys should show up tomorrow
because I am going to start doing a video retelling
of THE BOOK OF EXODUS
because god-like hero Anne “The Man” Murderfist gave me money
SO TODAY’S MYTH
is courtesy of this dude Cavalorn
you don’t know it but he’s basically the reason most of you know about my blog
AND HIS MYTH IS ABOUT A HORSECOCK
So Norway right
there is this family living there
it is a family of truly fucked up individuals
there is a mommy and a daddy
and a boy and a girl
and two slaves
because it is still cool to have slaves in the 14th century
and also a dog
the dog and one of the slaves are not that fucked up but everyone else is
HERE’S WHY
so one day the family’s horse dies
and they are pretty hungry so they are like well let’s eat this
so the slave guy skins it
and he cuts off its meatpole and is about to throw it away
like a normal person would do
EVERYBODY WITH ME SO FAR?
GOOD
so the son goes ahead and STEALS IT
it being the horsecock
WHY WOULD YOU STEAL A HORSECOCK
IT’S NOT PARTICULARLY UNCOMMON OR VALUABLE
IT’S HUGE AND UNWIELDY TO CARRY
AND
IT’S A FUCKING HORSECOCK
apparently the answer is:
so he can harass his female relatives with it
he runs into the house like HEY LADIES
LOOK AT THIS HERE HORSECOCK
I BET YOU WANT TO STUFF THIS IN YOUR VAGINAS
SHIT GUYS I WOULD STUFF IT IN MY VAGINA IF I HAD A VAGINA
BUT I DON’T SO THERE YOU GO
and the slave girl thinks this is funny as shit actually
the sister thinks this is pretty messed up
and the mom thinks this is a GENUINE RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE
so she confiscates the horsecock
and she dries it in herbs and shit
and she MAKES IT HER NEW GOD
in fact every day before they go to sleep
she makes the whole family sit around in the circle
and everyone has to hold the horsecock
and recite a verse over it
and because of all these verses
and also because of the POWER OF SATAN
the horsecock grows to an even more unreasonable size
and gains the ability to STAND UP ON ITS OWN
although honestly
a penis having the ability to stand up on its own
is not really cause for alarm
it is really more of a cause for sex
or shame
or both
remember this is a christian myth
so obviously word gets around
that this family has a sweet new dick-shaped diety living in their house
and eventually words gets all the way around
to this dude King Olaf
this super christian monarch who is going around fucking up heathens
and he hears about this shit and he is like WHAT
PEOPLE CAN WORSHIP HORSE BONERS NOW?
UNACCEPTABLE
IF WE ALLOW THIS TO CONTINUE
PEOPLE WILL BE JUST HARVESTING SWATHES UPON SWATHES
OF EQUINE KIELBASA
WE WILL HAVE A SERIOUS HORSEDICK SHORTAGE ALL UP IN THIS LAND
DO YOU UNDERSTAND
WITHOUT HORSECOCKS HOW CAN HORSES AIM THEIR PEE
THERE WILL BE HORSE PISS EVERYWHERE
IT WILL BE A DISASTER
this must be stopped
so Olaf gets a couple of his buddies
and they all go over to this family’s house
and they just walk in the front door
and sit down in the living room
and eventually the sister comes in and she is like um hey
who the fuck are you guys
and Olaf is like my name is Grimnir
and his buddies are like oh err
we are ALSO Grimnir
3X CLEVER COMBO
and the chick is like oh ok cool
lemme get my family i think it’s about time to worship the horsecock
so everyone comes in
and they all sit down
to pass this swollen member around
like a game of hot potato
but with less potatoes
more poetry
and also you are holding a horsecock
so basically ADVANCED hot potato
and the game goes a little something like this:
the wife is like BOY DO I LIKE THIS HORSECOCK
and the husband is like I SURE DO NOT LIKE THIS HORSECOCK
and the son is like HAHA THIS IS A PENIS THAT’S STILL FUNNY
and the daughter is like FUCK YOU BRO
and the slave guy is like I WOULD LIKE BREAD BUT INSTEAD I HAVE THIS HORSECOCK
and the slave girl is like OH MAN IF I WAS ALONE WITH THIS HORSECOCK
and Olaf’s dudes are like I’VE BEEN HANDED SOME WEIRD SHIT BUT THIS WINS
and then Olaf is like YEAH I’M PRETTY MUCH JUST GONNA FEED THIS TO THE DOG
BAM
and then the dog eats it
and the wife is like what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck
and Olaf is like what
i thought i was supposed to hand the horsecock to the next member of the family
do you not consider the dog to be part of your family?
RACIST
oh by the way I’m king Olaf and you should convert to christianity
and the wife is like no way
and God shows up like you fucking better or i’ll cut you
and the wife is like CHRISTIANITY HOORAY
and no one has to worship a horsecock ever again
So the moral of the story
is next time you are picking an object to worship
a good question to ask yourself is
would a dog eat this?
if the answer is yes then you need to do some thinking
The end.
So first off i just want to say whats up
to the like nine trillion new people who have showed up to my blog
over the past couple days
thanks to a combination of Neil Gaiman and Cracked.com and some other shit
I will try to make the myth today extra sweet for you guys
oh also ANNOUNCEMENT TIME
so some of you may have noticed all my sweet shirtless videos
where i wear weird hats and yell about epic wars and junk
well I have wanted to do something with them for a while
but now that i probably have more readers i think it’s worth asking
is anyone good at animating stuff?
because i think it would be super sweet if my videos were animated
if you want to animate my videos I will split the glory with you
60/40
WHERE DO YOU EVEN EVER GET DEALS LIKE THAT
Also if I get an animator I will do a video retelling of the book of revelations
even though I usually only do those when people give me money
ANYWAY
So there’s this dude Cuchulainn right
you may remember him as the guy
who tied himself to a rock with his own intestines
rather than STOP MURDERING FOR EVEN A SECOND
well this myth takes place earlier in his life
back when he still had all his intestines in his body
see Cuchulainn wants to bang this chick Emer
so her dad
FORGAL THE WILY
is like shit I should check up on this guy who wants to bang my daughter
so he rolls on over to Cuchulainn’s pad
and hangs out for like ten minutes
to watch Cuchulainn win at EVERYTHING
like this dude is winning at JUMPING
and SWIMMING
and FISTS
and BAKING
and so Forgal is like shiiiiiit
if this guy marries my daughter he might win at SEXING as well
I can’t have that
luckily i’m Forgal the Wily not Forgal the Dumbass
I have a plan
HEY CUCHULAINN
and Cuchulainn is like WHAAAAAAT
and in the process he wins at yelling
and Forgal is like dude you know what you should do
go train with this incredibly deadly warrior maiden named Scathach
she lives on an island surrounded by a whole bunch of shit
that will definitely murder you
and then if that stuff doesn’t murder you probably she will murder you
and Cuchulainn is like PERFECT
so he sets out with his two homies
Laegaire Battle Winner
and Connall the Victorious
except both of them puss out almost immediately
and are like sorry dude gotta go uh
wash our beards
yes
which makes me think that these dudes got their sweet nicknames
by not actually BEING IN ANY FUCKING BATTLES
but Cuchulainn is world champion of not giving a fuck so it’s okay
so the first bullshit he has to deal with
is this bigass field full of razor sharp grass
that can like impale your feet and give you aids
guys this is either some kind of magic
or Cuchulainn is in the alleyway behind my apartment
but it’s ok because apparently instead of feet
Cuchulainn has DENSE CLUSTERS OF IMPENETRABLE MANHOOD
so i’m pretty sure the grass is actually afraid of what would happen
if it even dared to impale him
then he’s gotta go through a field with all these beasts in it
but he just grabs those fuckers
and stuffs them down each others’ throats
basically turning them into a huge turducken of murder
murducken
you’re welcome
BUT THAT IS NOT THE END OF THE STUPID BULLSHIT PARADE
because then there is this bridge
it is the shittiest bridge ever
WHY WOULD YOU EVEN BUILD A BRIDGE THAT GOES VERTICAL WHEN YOU TRY TO CROSS IT
THIS SEEMS TO ME TO DEFEAT THE PURPOSE OF BRIDGES
IF YOU HAVE A VERTICAL BRIDGE
THAT’S BASICALLY JUST
A SHITTY LADDER
but anyway Cuchulainn sees this fucking tilty bridge
and he is like no problem i can handle this
but it turns out nope
no he can’t handle this
he tries three times and comes back with thirty one flavors of failure
until finally he is like AAAA FUCK THIS
and SALMON LEAPS ACROSS THE BRIDGE IN A FURIOUS RAGE
I wish I could draw you a picture of this
because it’s basically the best thing ever in my mind
anyway finally he gets to Scathach’s place
and pretty much just threatens her with his sword until she’s like ok ok
i’ll train you
so she trains him and meanwhile he fucks her daughter
then she finishes training him
and is like hey you’re pretty great at warrior
how about you go beat the shit out of this friend of mine
i gave her this sweet spear a while back called the GAE BULGA
it’s basically this super barbed spear that like needlefucks your organs
you should steal it
and Cuchulainn is like HAHAHAHA YOU SAID GAE
but then he goes and beats the shit out of Scathach’s friend Aoife
although honestly
i dunno what kind of friend sics a dude like Cuchulainn on her friends
because after he’s done beating the shit out of Aoife
I guess he doesn’t feel victorious enough
so he rapes her
and then she gets pregnant
and she is like hey Cuchulainn what should we name our oh shit where’d you go
dammit what happened to my gae bulga
CUCHULAINNN
so naturally she is a little pissed off at this dude
so she proceeds to enact the most cockamamy revenge scheme possible
which is she puts a spell on her kid so he can’t say his name
or who his parents are
and then when he’s like 13 or whatever
Aoife is like hey go see your rapedad
so this kid shows up at his rapedad’s place
and Cuchulainn is like who the fuck are you
but the kid can’t say
you know
BECAUSE OF MAGIC
so Cuchulainn is like BITCH I ASKED YOU A QUESTION
and the kid still can’t say shit
and Cuchulainn is like I WILL TEACH YOU TO NOT ANSWER MY QUESTIONS
OR NO YOU KNOW WHAT
ACTUALLY I’LL JUST KILL YOU
so he does
but then it turns out he just killed his son
PRANKED
some scholars believe that Aoife was just really bad at planning revenge
but i prefer to think of this
as a really really late term abortion
so the moral of the story
is sometimes actions have consequences
but that only matters
if you’re not manly enough to KILL THE CONSEQUENCES OF YOUR ACTIONS
THE END