To the Desert!

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Okay so first of all

on a personal note
I am about to fuck off to the desert
for like a week
and the desert i am fucking off to
does not have a rich and renewable supply of internet
so what I’m going to do
is I’m going to put this fine blog
in your EXTREMELY CAPABLE HANDS
if you have a myth you are super excited about
and you wanna retell it mega sweetly and maybe not use a lot of punctuation
go ahead and email your myth to
renit DOT services AT gmail DOT com
but like
don’t write out the dots and the ats
that would be fucking retarded
there is going to be a guy reading your emails
and he is going to pick the two best ones
and put one up on Thursday
and one up on Saturday
along with a shoutout to whoever wrote it
it’s going to be great
you’ll love it

so anyway in honor of this worthless desert i’m going to
here’s a myth about a worthless fucking desert

so you guys have heard of Jesus, right?
he’s the guy with the beard and shit
so Jesus just decides to fuck off to the middle of the goddamn desert
for 40 days and 40 nights
which is just ancient-talk for
AN INDETERMINATELY LONG TIME
they don’t necessarily mean 40 days
could be sixteen
could be four billion
who fucking knows
the important thing is Jesus decides it would be a great idea
to also not eat anything during this desert fuckscapade
so he is naturally pretty hungry
and he’s crawling around in the desert
feeling miserable
wondering why he makes such bad decisions
when Satan shows up
Satan is like sup Jesus
Jesus is like gggggg so hungry
and Satan is like hey dude are you fucking retarded
you are the son of god
you tell those rocks over there to turn into bread
they’ll be like “whole wheat or gluten free?”
come on do it
and jesus is like I COULD do that
or I could quote some scripture at you
like for example
MAN CANNOT SURVIVE ON BREAD ALONE
and satan is like good point but you’re starving to death
bread is at least one of the things man needs to survive
water’s another good one
you don’t have a lot of that either
but jesus isn’t listening
so satan is like fuck FINE
and teleports jesus to the top of the temple in Jerusalem
and jesus is like WHOA WHAT
and satan is like hey jesus
you know what would be MEGA GNARLY RADICAL TO THE MAX EXTREME
is if you JUMPED OFF THIS TEMPLE
AND RELIED ON GOD’S ANGELS TO CATCH YOU ON THE WAY DOWN
all the people in the streets would be like
DID YOU SEE THAT DUDE
DID YOU SEE WHAT HE DID
SHIT WAS SO SWEET
I AM GOING INTO MOTHERFUCKING DIABETIC SHOCK RIGHT NOW
and jesus looks down
and sees that it is indeed triple sweet
but then he’s like
NO WAY SATAN
gonna quote scripture again instead
specifically DONT PUT GOD TO THE TEST
and satan is like man
what the fuck is the point of being the physical manifestation of god
if you can’t turn rocks into bread or do wicked flips off temples
but jesus isn’t paying ANY fucking attention
so satan is like ALRIGHT ASSHOLE
BAMF
and he teleports jesus to the top of the highest mountain
and points at all the kingdoms just lying around minding their business
and is like do you see those kingdoms
they’re yours
all of them
all you gotta do
is worship me instead of your dad
and jesus is like no dice satan
and satan is all come on
and he flies jesus around the world
pointing at kingdoms
all like
BANGLADESH? YOURS
ITALY? YOURS
FUCKING MADAGASCAR? NO PROBLEM
dude i can hook you up
what is wrong with you
do you not like getting hooked up
i know i like getting hooked up
do you have some kind of a condition
that makes you like
get upset when totally sweet things are given to you
for almost nothing?
but jesus just waves his arms around and goes
GET AWAY SATAN
literally that is the best thing he can come up with to say
he says
GET AWAY SATAN
CAUSE SCRIPTURE SAYS
WORSHIP THE LORD GOD AND SERVE HIM ONLY
and satan is like shiiiiit son
if all you’re gonna do is read outta yer damn book all day
i’m done here
shit’s boring
so he disappears
and a whole bunch of angels show up
and cook jesus a feast
and then later he gets pretty famous
but then gets nailed to a cross
could have been the leader of all kingdoms ever
kings don’t get crucified too much
just sayin’
so moral of the story?
hail satan.

The end

Don’t fuck with Artemis

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So here’s a short one

I think i mentioned this broad Artemis before
she’s the one who is dedicated to not ever having sexy times
but there are some facts you might not know about her
first of all she is the only goddess with a mother apparently
like Aphrodite came out of dickfoam mixed with seawater
and Athena sprung fully formed from the mind of zeus
but Artemis is the result
of this chick Leto getting banged mercilessly by zeus
so of course Hera found out about this
and tried to kill Leto
and made it illegal for anyone to give her shelter
so finally Leto (aka Latona) ends up on the isle of Delos
and gives birth to twins
the first twin she pops out
is Artemis
and Artemis is immediately like
holy shit mom are you ok?
here let me help you with your childbirth
and midwifes the fuck out of the entire situation right there
at age zero
that is the kind of person she is
her brother is Apollo, lord of the sun
and Artemis gets stuck with the moon
and hunting
and she volunteers to be in charge of childbirth too
or at least easing the pain of childbirth
cause see
she gets so turned off the idea by watching her mom push out apollo
she decides to never have sex ever
also sometimes instead of using her arrows to kill animals
she uses them to ease women’s pain during childbirth
or you know
just kill them during childbirth
so anyway years go by
and this dude Orion gets born
Orion is king shit of all hunters
running around murdering animals and putting them in his mouth
now people have different ideas of what Orion did to piss off Artemis
but everyone agrees that he fucked up
some people say he tries to rape Artemis
which is a big no-no
some people say he wakes up one day
and decides:
welp,
I’m going to kill EVERY ANIMAL IN THE WORLD TODAY
and Artemis gets pissed off because like
what the fuck is she gonna be the goddess of if that happens
and some OTHER PEOPLE say
that Apollo just gets jealous cause Artemis falls in love with Orion
and one day he and Artemis are hanging out
and he sees Orion swimming way out at sea
and is like hey
hey Artemis
bet you can’t hit that floating object out there with your arrows
and Artemis is like YOU’RE ON
and kills Orion totally by accident
Well whatever happens, Orion dies
and then later, Artemis feels pretty bad
because like
he WAS a pretty good hunter
and kind of cute
so she is like sorry dude
here
let me make you into a constellation
and the moral of the story
is either raping is bad
killing all the animals is bad
or swimming in deep water is bad
depending on who you ask
but no matter what
it’s okay
because if you make the gods feel bad enough about it
they will turn you into stars
all is forgiven

The End

Local father discovers immortality with this one weird tip

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So Anansi again

yeah, see, since I just established
that all the stories are belong to Anansi
I figured I should maybe tell more than one story about him
So here goes:
one day anansi is dicking around in the wilderness outside his town
and he gets bored of walking around
and also super thirsty
and he sees this house
he walks up to the house and there is this old man
sitting on the front porch
now when I say old
I mean OLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLD
this guy makes the crypt keeper look like natalie fucking portman
so anansi walks up to him
and is like excuse me you fugly sonofabitch
can I get some ice cold drinking water
and the old man doesnt say anything
and anansi is like I SAID
CAN I GET SOME DELICIOUS CHILLED WATER PRODUCT UP IN HERE
and the old man says nothing
and anansi is like:
please continue sitting silent and motionless
if you want me to go inside and raid your fridge
and the old man says nothing
so anansi goes inside
and has a gay old time
he eats as much food as possible
and then he leaves
he has such a good time doing this
that he comes back the next day
and the next day
just fucking pillaging this dude’s pantry
devouring the watermelons
ravaging the mayo
man i dont know what this dude had in his pantry
i just have no goddamn idea
but whatever it was it must have been good
cause one day anansi brings his eldest daughter with him to the house
and he is like
thank you so much for this food creepy silent old guy
to thank you, here is my eldest daughter
you guys are married now
enjoy
also make me a sandwich, woman
and he eats the sandwich and then leaves his daughter there and goes home
next day he goes back for more free food
and maybe to see his daughter i guess
but his daughter isn’t there
WHERE DID SHE GO
he knows she likes to play hide of seek
so he starts looking all over the house
in the closets and under the bed and shit
and finally he goes and looks in the last possible place
THE OVEN
and what does he find in there?
THE WEDDING RING HE GAVE HIS DAUGHTER
so he runs outside to the old man like
HEY ASSHOLE
WHY DID YOU TAKE OFF MY DAUGHTER’S WEDDING RING
SHIT WAS EXPENSIVE
and the old man FINALLY fucking talks
he’s all:
do you know who i am
I’m death
you showed up at my house
you ate all my food
and then you married me to an ugly fucking spider chick
without my consent
and through all of this i remained motionless
and refused to stop you or interact with you for some reason
but still this is TOTALLY YOUR FAULT
so I ATE YOUR DAUGHTER
and now I am also going to eat YOU
and Anansi is like shit
no
I like not having consequences for my actions
this seems like a consequence this is terrible
and he starts running
he figures death is prolly pretty slow
given how old he is
but no
he’s keeping up
and anansi starts getting tired
and is like fuck what do i do
I KNOW
I’LL CLIMB A TREE!
so he climbs a tree
and he’s about to jump to another tree
when he looks down
and sees death just standing there
because guess what guys
DEATH CANNOT CLIMB TREES
this i guess explains why squirrels are immortal?
I mean come on
this is the personification of DEATH
the inescapable end that pursues us all
and he is helpless when confronted with
A TREE
well i guess he’s not totally helpless
because he basically just stands at the bottom of the tree
and chucks everything in arm’s reach at anansi
like a rock
and some sticks
and a shoe
so that basically puts death
to the level
of the kids i used to throw dirt at
from my treehouse
when I was FIVE
anyway eventually death runs out of shit to throw
and goes to find more shit
at which point anansi jumps out of the tree and books it for his house
screaming HEY HEY
WIFE AND KIDS
CLIMB UP TO THE CIELING
DEATH IS COMING
MY WILD IRRESPONSIBLITY HAS ONCE AGAIN ENDANGERED MY ENTIRE FAMILY
I AM THE BEST HUSBAND AND FATHER
and his wife is like
WHAT I CANT HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF OUR FOUR CHILDREN
STARVING ALL DAY WHILE YOU RAID DEATH’S KITCHEN FOR YOURSELF
and anansi is like FINE
I’LL take them up to the ceiling MYSELF
so he runs into the house and drags everybody up to the ceiling
and death runs in after him
and sees everyone up on the ceiling
and can’t do a thing about it
except pull up a chair
and grab a burlap sack
and just sit there
waiting
so it’s not too long
before one of anansi’s kids
his youngest son
starts losing his grip on the ceiling
which to me
means that this is a family of pretty shitty spiders
since when has a spider had ceiling problems?
spiders live on my fucking ceiling
the only explanation
is that these spiders are like
reverse spiderman
with all the disadvantages of a spider
coupled with all the disadvantages of a man
so this kid is like DADDY HELP
and anansi is like FUCKING HOLD ON JUNIOR
IF YOU FALL DEATH WILL EAT YOU
so junior falls
and death catches him
and is like
i’m only after your dad, kid
but i’m still gonna stick you in this burlap sack
then anansi’s youngest daughter falls off
and the same thing happens
and again and again
until it’s just anansi up there
and he’s about to lose his grip
when he goes WAIT
DEATH
I am SOOOO FAT
from eating SOOO MUCH OF YOUR FOOD
if I fall to the floor
i’m totally going to explode on impact
and then what are you gonna eat?
spider guts?
gross
what you should do
is go get my big barrel of flour from the kitchen
and put it under me
so when i fall
you get a nice breading on me
and death is like dur ok
just let me leave you alone in the room real quick
and anansi is like FUCK YES
while he is busy moving the flour I am totally going to escape
man I am such a genius holy shit
but by the time anansi is done congratulating himself
death walks back in with the barrel
and puts it under anansi
and anansi is like fuck
once again my tremendous ego has boned me
but all is not lost
because when death leans over the barrel to make sure it’s centered
anansi drops down on the back of his head
which freaks him out
because
you know
spider on his head
and in the resulting confusion
and flour-induced blindness
anansi is able to grab his wife and kids in the sack
and run out the door
and he’s been escaping death ever since
actually that’s why there’s spider webs on the ceiling everywhere
to avoid death
who has apparently not figured out ladders
so now you know guys
the secret to immortality
duct tape yourself to the ceiling

You’re welcome.

HEY AFRICA

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Holy shit guys

apparently i should have told this myth a while ago
because according to this myth
which is from africa by the way
before this story happened
there were no stories
at all
this is the origin story
of STORIES
alright so
there’s this god of the sky
his name is Nyame
he has all the stories
and thats pretty lame
because he doesnt tell any of them
so this spider anansi
the character spiderman is based on
is like mannnn
living is boring
i wish i had some stories
specifically
i wish I had all the stories
and i wish most of them were about me
maybe even all of them
so he goes to nyame and is like
how much for all your stories
and nyame is like hm
well im not really using these stories
and i dont really need anything else
because i am the god
of the motherfucking SKY
so how about i just name a bunch of deadly predators
much larger and stronger than you
and you bring them all to me
i dont even know what im gonna do with them
probably set them free or some shit
i am basically just trying to make your life hard
to entertain myself
because its not like i have all the stories to amuse myself with or anything
so bring me a python
a leopard
a fuckton of hornets
and a dwarf
see? africa doesnt like dwarves either
stumpy gold-fucking parasites
so anyway anansi agrees
because he has nothing better to do
and goes out to capture some animals
first he hits up this python Onini
what he does is he stands outside Onini’s house
and loudly debates with his wife whether Onini is longer than a palm branch
and onini
who places incredible importance on trivial bullshit
comes out of his house like guys
guys
i am totally longer than a palm branch
and anansi is like ok lie down next to this branch
and onini does
but he has a hard time being totally straight
har har
so anansi is like
hey man its hard to tell accurately how big you are
unless you are totally straight
let me help you
by tying you to the palm branch
and onini is like dur ok
and anansi ties him to the branch
and then brings him to nyame
then anansi goes out and digs a big hole
in the middle of the jungle
and Osebo the leopard comes walking along
not paying any attention to his surroundings
and falls into the hole
anansi runs over like hey man
looks like you are inside of a hole
allow me to help you out of there with my spider webs
and Osebo is like dur ok
and by the time anansi has helped him out
he has also helped him to become completely tangled in webs
and he takes Osebo to Nyame
then he goes and finds a hornet’s nest
full of Mmoboro hornets
and he takes a calabash
which is a big hollowed out gourd
that kinda looks like tits if you turn it sideways
and he fills it with water
and starts dumping it all over the hornet’s nest like
HORNETS
HORNETS
ITS FUCKING RAINING
GET OUT GET OUT
GONNA DIE HORNETS
GONNA DIE
and the hornets are like SHIT WHERE DO WE GO
and anansi is like I HAVE THE PERFECT SOLUTION
GET INTO THIS GOURD THAT LOOKS LIKE TITS
IT IS THE ONLY WAY
so the hornets are like dur ok
and fly into the gourd
and anansi plugs it up
and brings it to Nyame
so 3 down 1 to go
anansi still has to capture this dwarf Mmoatia
who hangs out with all the other dwarves under the odum tree
so what anansi does
is he makes a fake dwarf out of like spiderwebs and grass or something
and covers it in like sticky taffy
and then puts it under the odum tree
along with a big bowl of nutritious yarn
so Mmoatia sees this bowl of yarn next to this fake dwarf
and is like YUM YARN
I LOVE EATING STUPID INEDIBLE BULLSHIT
BECAUSE I AM A DWARF
AND GOLD HAS BEEN SCARCE LATELY
and she eats all the yarn
and then is like thank you strange silent dwarf
for giving me this precious foodstuff
and the fake dwarf is like

and mmoatia is like hey
arent you gonna say you’re welcome
and the fake dwarf is like

and probably falls over
because it is an inanimate fucking object
and this offends mmoatia so much
she is like ILL TEACH YOU TO NOT SAY YOURE WELCOME
TO THE PERSON WHO JUST ATE ALL YOUR DELICIOUS YARN
and she smacks the taffydwarf upside the head
and her hand gets stuck
and mmoatia is like DURR I’LL TEACH YOU TO STICK TO MY HAND
and smacks it with her other hand
and that gets stuck too
at which point anansi shows and is like
man i was gonna wait for you to kick it too
but this is just too painful to watch
come on lets go see nyame
and nyame is like THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR ALL THIS USELESS BULLSHIT ANANSI
HERE
HAVE ALL THE STORIES
and now anansi has a ton of stories
most of them are about him
some of them arent
but they still belong to him
like if anyone else tries to make a movie
bam
anansi is right there
demanding his royalties
so guys
the moral of the story is
you are going to need to take advantage
of the stupidity of your animal pals
in order to make it in the entertainment industry

The End.

Don’t Go Changin’ on Me

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So back to Zeus and the people he puts his dick in

this story actually has a twist
which i am going to give away right now:
in this story
ZEUS DOES NOT GET LAID
guys
this is like
if you were watching a movie
starring action hero BRUCE WILLIS
and he failed to die AS HARD AS POSSIBLE
or if you were watching a movie
starring kung fu legend BRUCE LEE
and he did not kick anyone in the face
or like
if you were watching LEGEND OF THE DRUNKEN MASTER
starring suicidal miracle machine JACKIE CHAN
and in the first scene everyone joined alcoholics anonymous
shit is straight up UNTHINKABLE
but i assure you it is true
it is true for a very good reason
see zeus has his eye on this choice piece of ass
this sea nymph thetis
only problem is
his brother poseidon has his eyes on this same piece of ass
and he actually has a pretty good argument why he should bone her
seeing as she is a SEA nymph
and not a POLYGAMOUS LIGHTNING nymph
but zeus is king of the gods and a horndog asshole
so he gets into a fight with poseidon
and finally they are like you know what
lets just ask the oracle at delphi
cause she always says SUCH HELPFUL THINGS
so they go to the oracle and the oracle is like
guess what
if thetis ever gets preggers
and has a baby
that baby is gonna be more powerful than his dad
and zeus is like FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
either I can singlehandedly invent birth control
or I can completely fuck up the divine chain of command
I LIKE being king
and i am too busy getting pussy to be a scientist
you can have her poseidon
and poseidon is like fuck no
i dont want no emasculating demon son
you fuck her
and zeus is like agh fine you know what
how about neither of us fuck her
i happen to owe a favor to this dude Peleus
he’s a friend of my son hercules
how about we just marry thetis off to peleus
and poseidon is like sounds good to me
so zeus and poseidon are like sup peleus
we heard your last wife just killed herself
because this other chick was jealous of your marriage
and told your wife you were gonna fuck a twelve year old
want a new wife?
and peleus is like well im still pretty broken up over my dead wife
and zeus is like this chick is hot man
and peleus is like
what do i gotta do
and zeus is like oh its simple
just go find her on this beach where she hangs out
and put her in a chokehold
and dont let go no matter what
bam
new wife
see what no one is really acknowledging here
is that zeus doesnt REALLY have the authority
to marry thetis off to anyone
all he can do really is give peleus some tips and tricks
in the art of raping
and also a crash course
in the science
of raping
so peleus goes to this beach and finds thetis totally naked sunbathing
and jumps out from behind a dune like
GOTCHA WOMAN WHAT NOW
and thetis is like HOW ABOUT I TURN INTO FIRE
and peleus is like THETIS MY WIFE IS DEAD I NEED A NEW WIFE
and he suffers some serious burns but keeps on holding on
and thetis is like WELL HOW ABOUT I TURN INTO WATER
and peleus is like THETIS I NEED TO GET LAID REAL BAD
and he is so desperate for lovin’ that he manages to hold onto WATER
and thetis is like OKAY IM A LION NOW
and peleus is like I DIDNT LET GO WHEN YOU WERE FIRE
WHY WOULD I LET GO OF A PANSY-ASS LION
and thetis is like SEA SERPENT
and peleus is like MORE LIKE SEMEN SERPENT
HAHA GET IT
I AM SO UNCONCERNED ABOUT THIS
THAT I AM MAKING SEXUAL INNUENDO
and at that point thetis is just like fuck this
id rather marry you than listen to any more of this bullshit
so they get married
and have a kid
no one important
just some dude named ACHILLES
and thetis is like you know what
i dont see any point in having a kid
who is not totally invincible
so im going to take this baby
and dip him in the river styx
and every part of him that goes underwater will be invincible
but hm
i have to hold him by something so he wont get swept away
and drown in the river of death
that would kind of defeat the purpose
so she holds him by his heel
and dips him into the water
keeping his heel totally vincible
the ultimate weak spot
and that is why
to this day
if you are trying to become invincible
you need to make a giant version of one of those wire loops you use when you’re dying easter eggs
dont fuck around

the end.

Ragnarok: Better than 2012

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10

Bad news guys

in this myth all the norse gods die
yeah this is the big one
the end of the goddamn world
so basically the first thing thats gonna tip everyone off
that the world is ending
is this thing called Fimbulvetr
which just means
THE WINTER OF WINTERS
and it seriously is
a winter
made of MULTIPLE WINTERS
like
there is going to be a winter
and then once that winter is finished
there will be ANOTHER WINTER
and then after that
will it be spring?
think again son
MORE WINTER
so this is basically going to have the effect
of pissing off everyone in the world
and turning them into assholes
everyone will start fighting everyone
because its just gonna be so cold
for so long
everything is going to start to really suck
then finally after that goes on for a while
this wolf Skoll
who is one of the sons of Fenrir
is gonna eat the sun
then fenrir’s other kid Hati will eat the moon
because he’s a fucking copycat
then the cock Fjalar will crow to the giants
all like TIME FOR WAR MOTHERFUCKERS
and the golden cock Gullinkambi will yell the same thing at the gods
and then a third cock will raise the dead
hehe
cock
THEN
there’s gonna be A WHOLE BUNCH OF EARTHQUAKES
and this is going to have the effect
of finally releasing evil wolf bastard Fenrir
from his shitty underground prison
and his bottom jaw is gonna touch the earth
and his top jaw is gonna touch the sky
and his eyes are going to be on FIRE
and theres gonna be a whole bunch of tsunamis and shit too
because Jormungand
the midgard serpent
who holds up the world
and is also another one of loki’s horrible children
is going to start having siezures all over the ocean
on its way to fuck up the land
and not only that
but he’s going to breathe poison all over everthing constantly
completely destroying all the air
and all the land
and all the waves caused by the serpent
are gonna set free this ship called Naglfar
full of giants
ready to romp and stomp everyone
and another ship is gonna set sail from hell
with all the dead people on it
and Loki is gonna be driving it
because the gods sure as shit want nothing to do with him
at this point
and guess who else is coming to the party
FIRE GIANTS
ALL THE FIRE GIANTS
what are fire giants you ask?
I dont know maybe giants MADE OF FIRE
the sole purpose of whom is to show up
at this EXACT MOMENT
lead by this guy SURT
and fucking set fire to EVERYTHING
so then this dude Heimdall
who is the god of light
and the son of nine chicks
and has gold teeth and can see a hundred miles
is going to blow his horn
signaling that SHIT
is finally about to get REAL
and odin and all the other gods
and all the elves
and dwarves
and demons
and basically just anything ever
are going to ride onto this one battlefield
called Vigrid
which means BATTLESHAKER
and they are going to tear each other to pieces
Odin is going to fight Fenrir
and fenrir is going to eat Odin
and then odin’s son Vidar is gonna be like NOOOO
and run up and rip Fenrir’s jaw in half
which is pretty appropriate because Vidar
is the god of revenge
meanwhile thor is gonna fight Jormungand
because they have unfinished business
from the time thor tried to lift it cause he thought it was a cat
and he is gonna kill it
but then its poison
is gonna kill HIM
and Surt is just gonna run up
and pick the weakest looking god
Freyr
who is the god of the sun and elves and shit
and just kill him straight up
because Freyr is unarmed and a pussy
then Tyr is gonna look around like
shit i need to kill someone to prove how badass i am
how about this terrible wolf GARM
and he kills it
despite the fact he only has one hand
but then Garm also kills him
and also Heimdall kills Loki
FINALLY
but Loki also kills Heimdall
so that will suck
and on top of ALL OF THAT
Surt is gonna just start chucking fire
in every direction
burning everything
so it wont even really matter if you survive the epic battle
because everyone is catching fire anyway
except for these two people
Lif and Lifthrasir
a dude and a chick
who will just be sleeping in this indestructible forest
during this whole thing
guys i dont understand why everybody doesnt just like
hang out
in the INDESTRUCTIBLE FOREST
that would seriously minimize some casualties
just saying
anyway when its all over
and the earth dives underwater to try and put out all the fire
and then comes back up again all fresh and new
Lif and Lifthrasir are gonna repopulate the world
and everything is going to be great forever
what i think we can take away from this myth
is that no matter who you are
or what religion you believe in
its really important to believe in the apocalypse
because then no matter how shitty your life is
you can always imagine
that maybe the world will end before you die
and you will get to be part of something super important
and your lack of achievements will not matter
and no one else will outlive you either
woo

the end.

ENOUGH with the cows

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12

Remember Loki?

I bet you do
he’s that hair-stealing
eating-contest-losing motherfucker
who is pretty much responsible
for every bad thing
that happens in the norse universe
so here’s another entry
on the list of ways loki fucked up everything
one day he’s wandering around jotunheim
where all the giants live
and he sees this chick Angrboða
pronounced
ANGER
BOW
THE
and he is like welp
i know she’s pretty ugly
and a giantess
and her name is kind like an anagram
of THE ANGER BOW
but you know what
i’m gonna tap that
and have three kids with that
and all three of those kids
are going to be horrible beasts
ultimately responsible for the end of the world
i see no problems with this
so he gets busy
i’ll talk about all the kids eventually
but right now lets just focus on the first kid
a giant wolf named Fenrir
now loki has fenrir
and brings him to Asgard
and all the gods are like holy fuck what is that
and they instantly know that this wolf
is gonna be the death of them
but instead of doing anything about it
they decide to see if they can just raise it as their own
presumably because they dont want to hurt loki’s feelings
so this god Tyr
the god of single combat and being awesome
gets put in charge of feeding Fenrir
because he’s the only person with sufficient testicular mass
to actually go near the wolf
and fenrir gets bigger
and bigger
and holy shit bigger
until the gods start to be like
um guys
we should really do something about this wolf
so what they do
is they make a big metal chain
this chain is so incredibly massive
that they don’t feel right
until they give it a name
that name is Leyding
so they go up to fenrir like hey man
i bet you totally can’t break out of this chain
if you let us tie you up with it
and fenrir is like oh yeah
and the Aesir are like yeah
and fenrir is like ok bring it
so they tie him up
and he pretty much just flexes a little
and the chains break like cobwebs
and fenrir gets famous
and the gods are like fuck
that backfired
ok lets make a better chain
so they make a chain
TWO TIMES AS STRONG
as Leyding
and they name it Dromi
and they go back to fenrir like hey
HEY
bet you can’t break THIS chain
and fenrir is like
i dont know if i want to let you tie me up again
and the gods are like do you want to be double famous
breaking this chain would totally make you double famous
and fenrir is like ugh ok
so he lets them tie him up again
and he flexes a little
but the chain doesnt break
so then he kicks the chain
and it does break
and the gods are all like DAMMIT
ok we definitely need a better chain
somebody call some dwarves
so the dwarves are like ok
the mistake you guys have been making
is you have been trying to make a chain
out of ordinary things
like metal
instead of abstract concepts
like the sound of a cat’s footfall
so what the dwarves do
is they take the sound of a cat’s footfall
along with the roots of a mountain
the sinews of a bear
the beard of a woman
– remember these are dwarves
their BEARDS have beards –
and the breath of a fish
and the spit of a bird
so thats why you cant hear cats walking around
and mountains dont have roots
and fish dont breathe
and birds dont spit
but like
i think bears still probably have sinews
and i have definitely met me some bearded ladies
so i guess the dwarves were not that thorough
but anyway
somehow they manage to like
synthesize all this shit
into the ultimate chain
except its not a chain
its a ribbon
called gleipnir
it is thin and pink and soft
and the gods go and bring it to fenrir
and are like i bet you cant get out of this ribbon
and fenrir is like come ON guys
there is no fame to be gained
from breaking a fucking little girl’s pretty bow
and i dont think youd even be asking me to break this
if you had not magicked up some ridiculous bullshit
that means i will like
lose my balls
or my face will come off
when you tie me up
and the gods are like no no no
why would we do that
what do you think we are
desperately afraid of you or something
we just thought
that if the great wolf fenrir
was too much of a pussy to let himself get tied up
by a fucking pink ribbon
we might just go and tell everybody about that
and then they would laugh at you
thats all
and fenrir is like FUCK
FINE
but i seriously dont trust you guys
so how about i’ll let you tie me up
if one of you puts your hand in my mouth
as collateral
and all the gods are like um well
uh
and then Tyr is like i’ll do it
because he’s a fucking badass
moved almost to the point of vomiting
but what tremendous pansies all his friends are
so then they tie fenrir up
and fenrir flexes
and then he tries kicking
and then he tries flailing around like a fucking lunatic
but that ribbon does not break
and he is like DAMMIT
and bites of Tyr’s hand
and everyone laughs at fenrir
except for tyr
because he just got his hand bit off
and then fenrir is all trying to scream and bite everyone
so they jam a sword in his mouth
to keep it open forever
and fenrir drools
which makes an entire fucking river
called “hope” in norse for some reason
like this is some kind of fucked up morbid motivational poster
HOPE:
YOU WILL EVENTUALLY ESCAPE YOUR HELLISH PRISON
AND RAIN DEATH AND FIRE UPON MIDGARD
because actually that is what the norse prophecy says
is that eventually
at the end of the world
Fenrir will get loose
and eat odin
so i guess the moral of the story really is
hang in there
and also that if you have a friend like loki
who fucks giants and keeps bringing home mutant babies
stop hanging out with that friend

the end

The Cows Keep Comin’

Posted on by
8

So there’s this cat Aegeus

he’s not really a cat
he’s a dude
but what he is
is impotent
but see they do not have cock doctors in Athens
which he is the king of
so he just keeps marrying different chicks
and testing their wombs
to see if he can grow kids in them
finally he gets fed up
and goes to the oracle at delphi
who is not a qualified physician at all
and so just makes up some bullshit riddle Aegeus doesnt get
so he goes and sees his smarter friend Pittheus
who is the king of this place Troezen
and is like hey dude
what does this riddle mean
and Pittheus is like haha oh man i totally get it
but how about instead of telling you the answer
i let you sleep with my hot daughter Aethra
and Aegeus is like can it be both
and Pittheus is like nope
and Aegeus is like SEX AHOY
so he goes on a boner bender with the king’s daughter
all
night
long
but see what he doesnt know is that Poseidon
is also fucking her
AT THE SAME TIME
IN THE SAME BED
not only is poseidon the god of the sea
and the god of the land
and the god of earthquakes and cows
he is also the god of STEALTH SEX
some people call that rape
i call those people closed-minded
anyway Aethra gets pregnant
probably because she is getting bonked by a GOD
and not just by some impotent king
and so before he leaves, Augeus takes a sword
and he takes his sandals
and he puts them under this reeeeeeally heavy rock
and is like ok
when my kid is strong enough to lift that rock
he can come find me in my kingdom
and have him bring the sword and the sandals so i know who he is
probably i will not recognize him
because i do not intend to be a good father
AT ALL
so Aethra has a son
his name is Theseus
and Theseus is really anxious to move this rock
and go adventuring
maybe he just wants to stab his asshole deserting father
i mean who does that
who goes through all that effort to have a kid
like to the point
of consulting an ORACLE
and then hides all the family heirlooms under a heavy rock
and leaves
anyway theseus is like 16 at the point
and his muscles are way too scrawny to lift this rock
so instead of waiting
or like
getting stronger
he just builds a pulley system
and uses that to move the rock
pretty crafty
so Theseus sets out to walk to Athens
the main problem with this
is that for some reason
every thug in the entire goddamn universe
has decided to camp out on this road
so the first dude theseus runs into
is called Periphetes
his gimmick
is he has a club
and he kills people with it
theseus cleverly gives him a taste of his own medicine
by beating him to death and taking his club
the next dude Sinis is a little more clever
he ties dudes to two trees that he has bent over
and then he lets go of the trees
and tears the dudes in half
what theseus does here is really inspired
see he takes Sinis
and he ties him to two trees that he has bent over
and then he lets go of the trees
and tears sinis in half
after that he kills some fucking wild boar
that just happens to fuck with him
and then he comes upon
the cleverest motherfucker yet
this dude is named Sciron
and what he does
is he hangs out by some cliffs
and when people come by he is like hey wash my feet
and when they are like durrr ok
he kicks them into the sea
and then they get eaten by turtles
now Theseus knows that this guy is not to be trifled with
he’s got to think of something really special
in order to outsmart him
so what he does
is he kicks Sciron into the sea so he gets eaten by turtles
at this point shit is starting to get a little predictable
but then Theseus mixes shit up
by just picking up this dude Cercyon
and crushing him with his bare hands
no bullshit
just raw manliness
then the next guy is the ultimate sonofabitch
his name is Procrustes
Pro
crust
eeeeeeees
his name sounds like something where
if you woke up and found it growing on your dick
you would call the CDC
but that is not even the worst thing about him
because what he does
is he offers people a place to say for the night
and he has a bed
and it is a really weird sized bed
which sucks
because if you are too big to fit in the bed
he chops off your limbs until you fit
and if you are too small
he stretches you
so what does Theseus do to this guy?
Does he, by any chance, put him on his own bed
and then chop off his limbs until he fits in the bed?
NO ASSHOLE
BECAUSE PROCRUSTES IS TOO SMALL FOR THE BED
SO THESEUS STRETCHES HIM
UNTIL HE DIES
you know some people call these punishments “ironic”
this is not irony guys
this is lack of originality
is what this is
but no one besides me seems to care about that
because by the time Theseus gets to Athens
he is extremely famous
so famous
that Aegeus is really suspicious
that Theseus is gonna try and take his throne
i mean remember
he has never seen this kid before
he doesn’t know who he is at ALL
so he is like alright smart guy
if you’re so great
how about you kill this cow that hercules left wandering around
all over our countryside
killing the men
deflowering the women
so theseus is like yeah no problem
goes out
kills the cow
and is like alright what next
and the king is so fucking thick
he still does not realize this is his kid
although actually it probably isn’t
it’s probably poseidon’s kid
but anyway
his wife medea DOES realize what’s going on
but she doesnt want Theseus to be the prince
cause she wants HER son to be the prince
so she is like hey hey Aegeus
you know what you should do
poison this guy
even though he has done nothing but good for your kingdom
and Aegeus is like sure why not
so he puts some poison in some wine
and is like hey Theseus wanna die
and theseus is like did i mention I’m your son
here check out this sword i found under a rock
and Aegeus is like OH SNAP
and then he turns to his wife like
BITCH GET OUT OF MY KINGDOM
so all is well for a bit
but then there’s a problem
see one of the lame things about athens
is that it is completely pussywhipped by crete
so every nine years
Athens fills up a boat
with seven men and seven women
and sends them over to crete
so king Minos can feed them all to his horrible cowson
the minotaur
oh also you might remember this from before
but the cow Theseus had to kill?
that came from Crete too
in fact that was the minotaur’s dad
Crete is all about cows for some reason
so anyway it comes time for athens to do this again
and theseus is like hold up
dad
i am suicidally reckless
how about you send me over on the boat
instead of one of the other dudes
and his dad is like
well i AM a shitty father
go for it son
so the doomboat sails over to Crete
and everybody gets off to go get sacrificed
but as soon as theseus gets off the boat
this chick Ariadne
who happens to be Minos’ daughter
sees him and is like DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN
I WANNA BITE OFF A PIECE OF THAT
AND CHEW IT FOR DAAAAAAAAYS
so she sneaks up to him
and is like hey
take this sword and this string
hopefully they will make you live
and then we can fuck later
and theseus is like holy shit
my day just went from awful to amazing
and it is all because of you and your tits
so he goes into the maze where the minotaur lives
ahem excuse me labyrinth
and he leaves a trail of string behind him
so he will know how to get out
because the right hand rule has not been invented yet
and he goes right to the middle of the maze
ahem LABYRINTH
and sees the minotaur sleeping there
and just straight up stabs it in the head
before it even has a chance to react
and then he flees the labyrinth
along with the 13 other people
see actually this raises a question
which is how does a half-man-half-cow
100% maneating BEAST
survive on 14 people EVERY NINE YEARS
but i guess it’s not really that important
cause the minotaur is dead anyway
so then Theseus flees Crete with Ariadne
and they go honeymoon on this island Naxos
where Dionysus sees Ariadne and is like
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN
and steals her
which i think is really just code for
she was an alcoholic
and passed out in a ditch
and theseus abandoned her
so he’s on the ship with the other survivors
heading back to Athens
but he makes a crucial mistake
which is he forgets that before he left
he promised his dad
that if they were coming back alive
he would change the ship’s black flag to a white one
no matter that the ship is clearly sailing back
and sailing back requires a crew
Aegeus sees the black flag and is so retardedly depressed
he throws himself off a cliff into the sea and dies
maybe he even gets eaten by turtles
but actually
this turns out to be a pretty amazing political move
on everybody’s part
because Theseus becomes king
and Aegeus gets the whole sea he threw himself into
named after him
but just because Theseus is king
does not mean he is gonna stop going on adventures
fuck no
he sails to the kingdom of the amazons
and is like hey hippolyta
wanna get married
and hippolyta is like well i mean
it’s definitely against everything i stand for
as queen of the amazons
but ok
so they get married
and have a son
Hippolytus
what do i keep saying
Theseus is not a creative guy
anyway shortly after that
theseus is like PSYCHE
i am leaving you hippolyta
because i am suddenly more attracted
to minos’ other daughter Phaedra
gonna divorce you
get married to Phaedra instead
so on the day of the wedding
Hippolyta just kind of wanders into the ceremony
and kills herself
totally buzzkilling the party
then after that
Phaedra falls in love with hippolytus
who does not want anything to do with her cooch
so she gets all pissy
and tells Theseus his son tried to seduce her
and theseus gets double pissed
and tells poseidon to kill his son
so poseidon sends a cow
big surprise
to scare the shit out of hippolytus’ horses
and make him crash
but its ok because theseus totally apologizes to his son
as he watches him dying
then he starts looking for a new wife
he picks the perfect woman
helen of troy
only problem:
Helen is ten years old
but it’s okay
this is greece
pedophilia is in
so Theseus gets his friend Perithoos
and is like dude
help me kidnap ten-year-old helen
and then i will help you kidnap a chick
OF YOUR CHOICE
and Perithoos is like damn ok
so they kidnap helen
and then perithoos is like alright i want persephone
and theseus is like fuck seriously
and perithoos is like well i mean i can always take helen back home
and theseus is like shit fine
so they go down to hades
and hades surprises them
by actually being a good host
and inviting them in
like hey guys whats up
sit down in these incredibly comfy chairs
while i get some pomegranates for you
oh by the way i have no intention of giving you persephone
and actually those chairs you are sitting in
are made of rohypnol or something
they will sap your memory and you wont be able to get up
ever
dont fuck with my wife assholes
so shit is pretty miserable for theseus and his friend
until hercules comes down to the underworld to get cerberus
and is like oh hey Theseus
i was wondering where you were
hey nice job killing that bull i let run wild in your kingdom
and theseus is like FLUB BLUB BLUB BLOP
because he cant talk because of the roofie chair
and hercules is like oh dude let me just smash that for you
so he does
and then they totally forget about theseus’ friend
and theseus goes back up to the regular world
but all is not well
cause while he was gone
everyone got pissed about how he kidnapped Helen
and they sent her home
and then someone else took over the kingdom
so now he has to flee
and he runs to the kingdom of this prick Lycomedes
who is like sure theseus
you can definitely stay here
as long as you dont mind me shoving you over the edge of a cliff when you’re not expecting it
those athenian cliffs man
they’re brutal
so that’s how theseus dies
getting pranked the same way he pranked Sciron
and the same way his dad died
so i guess the moral is
don’t live near cliffs

The end

Hey Guys Lets Convert to Christianity

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4

Whats up guys

i thought today would be a good day
to tell a slightly less ancient myth
with slightly more extremely heavy handed christian overtones
so check it out
there is this city right
somewhere in Libya or something
who the fuck knows where it is
it’s called Silene
it’s a totally made up place anyway
you know how i know its a made up place
is because it has a lake right next to it
and in the lake
is a fucking dragon
real cities do not have this
if you are a real city
and the lake next to your city is full of a dragon
not just a dragon actually
but a disease infested dragon
that poisons the water supply
and spreads disease
you move your fucking city
you do not hang out
and try to appease the dragon
but that is exactly what these people do
they figure
oh hey
maybe if we feed the dragon a bunch of sheep
it will leave us alone
and that works for a while
but then the dragon i guess realizes what retarded chumps these people are
and is like NO MORE SHEEP
I WILL ONLY ACCEPT CHILDREN
so the townsfolk are like fuck
i guess we have to start feeding this dragon some children
so to make it fair
they set up like
a lottery
where instead of winning fabulous cash prizes
you win your children getting fed to a siphylitic sea beast
and this works for a while
until the lucky winner of the lottery one time
just happens to be
the king
his name is Selinus by the way
real creative
so the villagers are like hey dude
time to feed your daughter to the dragon
and the king is like no guys come on
it was cool when you guys were losing your kids
but i’m the king
do you realize how rich I am
i am above the law
and the villagers are like no dude
you are definitely not
and the king is like how about if I give you all my gold and shit
and like half my kingdom
can i keep my daughter
and the villagers are like no
how would we even divide that up
anyway we are pretty committed to proving a point now actually
rules are rules
so the Selinus is like fuck fine
go chain up my daughter by the lake
so they do that
after dressing her up like a bride
presumably because the dragon has a fetish
or because maybe a poofy wedding dress will fill him up faster
and mean their village is safe longer
fuck i dont know
they just do it alright
and while shes standing there all chained up
ready to die
this dude saint george comes riding by
on his way to like
bless some water
smite some unbelievers
kiss some babies
you know
saint stuff
and hes like hey guys hows it WHOA
WHY IS THAT WOMAN CHAINED UP OVER THERE
and the princess is like chill out dude
i am just going to get eaten by a dragon real quick
you should leave before he gets here
so you dont also get eaten
and saint george is like fuck that
no dragon can stand up against the power of JESUS CHRIST
so he hangs out with this chick waiting for the dragon to show up
and when it does
he buffs himself up
by making the sign of the cross
and then he charges the dragon
and stabs it with his lance
and the dragon is like owww fuckkkk
and saint george is like quick woman
throw your girdle around its neck
trust me
so she does
and the dragon just gets so emasculated
that from that point on it will only do what the princess says
this dragon is not very secure in his sexuality
it just takes one article of women’s clothing
and woop
there goes his self worth
so the dragon follows them all the way back to the village
and all the villagers are like holy fucking shit asshole
what have you done
the dragon is going to eat all of our houses
and give us rabies
and then give our rabies aids
why didnt you just let the bitch get eaten
go away go away
and saint george is like chill out dudes
the dragon is totally emasculated right now
its not gonna do shit
and then he gets real quiet
and he moves in real close to the villagers
and he is like guys
guys
you wanna see me kill a dragon
and the villagers are like
SWEEEEEEET
and saint george is like alright guys i’m totally gonna do it
but you gotta do something for me first
you gotta convert to christanity
all fifteen thousand of you
and the villagers are like whaaaaaaat
but they do it
because they are really hard up for entertainment
in their little made up kingdom in libya
and its not every day you get to see a dude slay a dragon
so saint george goes around
baptizing all of these motherfuckers
and meanwhile the dragon has to just stand there
knowing exactly what is about to happen
not being able to do anything about it
because it just feels
too
damn
PRETTY
so finally
AFTER all the baptisms
saint george walks over and slays the fuck out of the dragon
and it puts up no resistance
and then the king builds a church
right where the diseased dragon died
which to me seems like
an even worse idea
than building your house on an indian burial ground
but anyway it turns out pretty ok
because the altar in the church
sprays out water
that cures all dieases
how sweet is that
now guys
listen up
because there is something you should know about this myth
this myth is like
the official myth of England
the values illustrated in this myth
are supposed to be like
the founding values of their country
so basically everyone in england
is supposed to be a lance-wielding murder machine
who wants nothing more
than to baptize massive crowds of people
and dress dudes up in women’s clothing

God Save The Queen.

This still counts as Tuesday cause i havent slept yet

Posted on by
3

So listen the fuck up

there is this nymph Liriope
she is blue
literally her skin is blue
that’s not really important to the story
i’m just giving you all the facts
anyway one day she’s out near some river
and the local river god Cephisus
who no one has ever fucking heard of
is like daaaaaaamn
maybe if i rape this nymph
the other gods will take me seriously
start inviting me to parties and shit
so he half drowns poor Liriope by encircling her
with his winding streams
wink wink
and then at that point she really has nothing to do
but get seduced by him
and have his kid
this kid is named Narcissus
Narcissus is fucking gorgeous
like imagine if someone could look
exactly like bacon tastes
and you have a pretty good picture of narcissus
and so his mom is like oh fuck
my skin is fucking BLUE
and i STILL got raped
what the hell is going to happen to my kid
who is not even a year old and already has DSL
dsl stands for dick sucking lips by the way
so she takes narcissus to see the baddest motherfucker in the land
who is of course tiresias the prophet
and tiresias looks up from his work
which is beating snakes to death with a stick
whenever they try to get their freak on
and is like what do you want
and Liriope is like is my son going to get raped
and Tiresias is like bitch please
kid’s gonna be fine
just as long as he DOESN’T COME TO KNOW HIMSELF
and Liriope is like what the fuck does that mean
and Tiresias is like quiet woman i think i hear some snakes having sex somewhere
and runs off
so liriope is just like whatever
and narcissus grows up to be a strapping young lad
so strapping in fact
that by the time he is 16
every
last
woman
in his town
wants to bang the shit out of him
but narcissus is like sorry ladies
i have unreasonably high standards
based on my own appearance
so basically no one is happy
then one day
narcissus goes walking in the forest
where bad shit just generally tends to happen
and this nymph named Echo sees him
and of course being as this nymph is female
she is instantly head over vagina in love with him
there is a problem though
which is that echo is not just like
some kind of playful nickname
it refers to the fact
that she cannot say anything except for shit she has just heard other people say
like the worst parrot ever
but a chick
so she is stalking narcissus through the woods
not able to say anything
but i guess she makes some kind of noise
cause then narcissus is all WHO’S THERE?
and echo is like WHO’S THERE?
and Narcissus is like NARCISSUS
and echo is like NARCISSUS
and narcissus is like YES
and echo is like YES
and this goes on for a while
because echo can’t say anything original
and narcissus is kind of a retard
but eventually echo gets it into her head
that narcissus is totally down for some sexy times
so she jumps out of the bushes
and runs towards him
most likely totally nude
and narcissus is like hey totally naked hot nymph
allow me to introduce you
to my unreasonably high standards
unreasonably high standards
meet naked hot nymph
naked hot nymph
unreasonably high standards
so echo runs back into the woods crying
except she probably cant even cry
without hearing someone else do it first
anyway she gets pretty butthurt about the whole thing
and just mopes around the forest
until her body actually DISAPPEARS
and only her voice remains
and then she uses that voice
to pray to aphrodite
or actually venus because this is the roman version of the story
and is like fuck this dude up for me ok
im not sure how she managed to make up this prayer all on her own
but i like to think she probably did it
by hanging around the legions of chicks
who all wished narcissus was dead because he wouldnt bone them
so venus hears the prayer and is like DONE
and narcissus suddenly gets super thirsty
and the only water in the woods happens to be this deep pool
of crystal clear springwater
so narcissus starts drinking the shit out of it
but then he stops
because he realizes what he is drinking
is the face
of the most beautiful man he has ever seen
he falls so in love with this hunk of pubescent glory
that he pines after this dude
for like
days
until he realizes
oh shit
PLOT TWIST
the dude in the pond is actually a reflection OF NARCISSUS HIMSELF
because apparently
for the last SIXTEEN YEARS OF HIS LIFE
he has NEVER
SEEN
HIS REFLECTION
he has never taken a bath
or like
had a cup of water
or you know
stared REALLY HARD at a bald guy
he has lead a pretty sheltered life apparently
so anyway he gets REALLY DEPRESSED
and like rips off all his clothes
and refuses to eat
which just makes him more attractive to himself
but it also makes him dead
and he goes down to basically
the shittiest part of hell
and spends the rest of forever staring at his reflection
in the river styx
which is the grossest river of all time
probably all full of dead guy goop and like broken condoms and shit
meanwhile echo’s voice shows up in the woods
and finds narcissus’ body
and is like dammit
wish i’d kept my body
cant even rape his corpse now
and she kind of feels pretty bad about the whole thing
and makes a flower grow out of his corpse
so from now on every time you see a narcissus flower
just remember
that if you are beautiful
you should never drink water
it is too dangerous

the end