Stories like these are exactly why I got into this business:
So Saint Petronilla is the daughter of Saint Peter
apparently saintliness runs in the family
also names that sound like Peter
but anyway, Petronilla is a pretty lame saint
because when our story begins
she is down with a wretched fever
and what kind of saint gets a fever?
A LAME SAINT
LIKE I SAID
so yeah, she’s all sick
and Peter gives the minimum required number of shits
which is NEGATIVE A THOUSAND
he gives so few shits it’s like he’s got a stick up his ass
and that stick shoots out of his mouth
and it is actually a prehensile enema kit
that flies around and sucks the shit out of OTHER PEOPLE’S ASSES
WOW that got gross
what I MEANT to say
is that while his daughter is busy enjoying the ultimate fever
saint peter is throwing a RAD PARTY at his place
all the other saintly dudes are hanging out
turning water into ecstacy and playing football with babies
or whatever it is saints do when there is no one around to tell them to behave
but one of the guys is like yo Peter
I thought you could cure any illness
that’s kind of why we let you into the saints club
kinda slacking with your daughter there, arentcha?
and Peter is like what
that bitch is sick because I WANT her to be sick
have you SEEN her tits?
one step outside that threshold and it’s dick city all up in that cleavage
I am NOT having that from no daughter of mine
would TOTALLY ruin the whole saint thing we’ve got going on
and Peter’s bro is like naw dude you frontin
and Peter is like OH YEAH?
GET I HERE AND FRESHEN UP THESE DRANKS
Petronilla is cured of fever
she comes in
she serves the drinks
and then Peter is like VERY GOOD PETRONILLA
YOU’RE SICK AGAIN
BACK IN YOUR ROOM
GO COVER UP THOSE UNGODLY TITS WITH FEVERSWEAT AND HALLUCINATIONS
and everyone is like whoa Peter
so time passes
and Petronilla’s tits stubbornly refuse to become any less bo-damn-dangulous
but finally Petronilla figures it out
she’s like okay, god
I promise to not bang any dudes
I am perfect in my love of you and yadda yadda
can we move on from the fever stage of this transaction now?
and god is like AYUP
COULD YOU UH
JUMP UP AND DOWN A LITTLE BIT?
MAYBE KINDA MASSAGE YOUR CHEST SOME?
so now Petronilla is cured!
and it turns out all of Saint Peter’s worst fears were 100% justified
i mean he really only had the one fear
and it was less of a fear than an unqualified suspicion of sexytimes
but you get my drift
so anyway Petronilla is all parading down the boulevard
her snugglebubbles bobbing in the breeze
and the men on the street
collectively emit such a DAYUM
that eardrums are shattered for miles around
although that may just be because dudes have boners COMING OUT OF THEIR EARS
but one dude has the most plentiful boners of all
his name is Flaccus, which is a bad start
and he is like HEY PETRONILLA LEMME SEX U
and Petronilla is like okay sure
just send me a whole mess of virgins and I will get married to you no problem
and Flaccus is like wow that was easy
and he goes to get the virgins
and Petronilla is like SWEET
NOW THAT I’VE BOUGHT MYSELF SOME TIME
I CAN TOTALLY HAVE SEX WITH GOD AND THEN IMMEDIATELY DIE
(it says she “received the holy body of our lord”
but you all saw how the lord was looking at her tits, come on)
so Flaccus gets back and he’s like FUCK
well good thing I opted for the extended warranty on fiancees
hey Petronilla’s friend, we’re getting married now
and Petronilla’s friend is like eew no
and Flaccus is like okay, next best thing
gonna starve you to death, then beat you to death, then hang you to death, then hit you with swords
so he does
then he throws her body in some poop
and this holy dude named Nicodemus picks up the body and buries it properly
but Flaccus is like FIGGITY-FUCK NO
and he beats Nicodemus to death, too
and then Nicodemus’s good bro Justin buries HIM
like some crazy corpse relay race
so the moral of the story
is that being ugly sucks
but don’t be pretty, or else everybody dies
Saints’ lives ahoy!
Is this why Petronilla becomes a saint? Because leaving your friend to die horribly is not all that miraculous.
“Snugglebubbles bobbing in the breeze” might be one of the best things I have ever read.
Keep up the good work!
Does this story have something to do with the Secret of NIMH?!
I mean, getting beaten to death is pretty similar to being crushed by a brick.
So I’m just saying, there are parallels.
And then you throw in the name Justin, which is the name of another rat from that movie…
Or maybe it’s just a crazy coincidence.
Or maybe it’s just a coincidence.
Devoid of crazy.
Maybe I’m just tired.
I wouldn’t be surprised at all if Nicodemus and Justin the rats were named after their mythological namesakes, though their fates in the movie match up better than their fates in the original book (in which, spoiler alert, Justin somewhat ambiguously dies, and I’m pretty sure Nicodemus survives), so the names probably aren’t terribly meaningful.