So bear invites rabbit over for dinner
and there is a big pot of beans cooking on the stove
and bear is like rabbit are you hungry
and rabbit is like fuck yes i am hungry
i just spent all morning
trying to get bugs out of wood
by beating my face against it like a woodpecker
and now my nose is split forever
and i have no bugs
hook it up bear

and bear is like ok
and takes the beans off the stove
and tries some
and is like hm
needs lard
and he fucking CUTS OPEN HIS OWN STOMACH
AND OOZES FAT INTO THE BEANS
and then they eat the beans together and it is great

but see now rabbit is super fucking jealous
of his animal pal
so the next day
he is like hey bear come over to my house
i will make you some beans
it will be great
and bear comes over
and rabbit takes the beans off the stove
and he tries them
all like HM THIS SURE NEEDS SOME FUCKING LARD
and then he proceeds to disembowel himself
trying to bleed fat into the beanbowl
(PS bleed fat into the beanbowl
sounds like some kind of a euphemism
for sex)
and so he is sitting on the floor dying of blood loss
and like
organ loss
and bear is like WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK
I AM NOT GOING BACK TO JAIL
and he stitches rabbit up
and then he’s like dude
just because i can do something
does not mean you can also do it
what are you a fucking retard

so the moral of the story is
when it comes to cooking
self-mutilation is not always the answer

the end.