Groveling thank-you to gun-wielding murder hurricaine Maximillian Deathpitt
for paying me money to do something I was ALREADY DESPERATE TO DO
HERE IS WHAT IT IS:

Man Sir Gawain is the ultimate motherfucker

in fact
there’s a good chance he actually fucked your mother
because where Sir Gawain goes
few asses remain untapped
seriously he is the patron saint of titillating the tuna taco
and also apparently the sworn protector of ladies
which is only kind of a conflict of interest
but how that came about is a story for some other time

the story for right now
is about how one day
pretty much immediately after Lancelot joined the round table actually
all the knights are chilling out eating lunch
and suddenly this dude just busts in on his horse
guys
this shit happens all the time
people are constantly just walking into the dining room of this fucking castle
do they just leave the gates open with a sign that says
PROBLEMS?
CONSIDER CAUSING THEM IN HERE

anyway this is no ordinary knight we are talking about
because this fucker is ONE HUNDRED PERCENT GREEN
also his horse is green
his armor is green
everyone assumes his pubes are green but no one wants to check
oh yeah also his skin

so Arthur is like whoa dude what the fuck
either you are making some kind of a statement about the environment
OR
some seriously weird shit is going on right now
OR
both
and the green knight is like OPTION B IT IS
you see i am known as the green knight
and King Arthur is like no shit
and the green knight is like shut up
look
i am trying to find a knight for an idiotic adventure
have I come to the right place?
and Arthur is like YOU CERTAINLY HAVE
and the knight is like great
ok here’s what you do
pick one of your knights, and he gets to hit me once
with my axe
and if I survive I get to hit him back one year from now
so basically like that game where I kick you in the nuts
and then you kick me in the nuts
and so on
except you get to go first
and we are playing with AXES
and Arthur is like THAT DOES NOT SOUND SUSPICIOUS AT ALL

so then he turns to Lancelot
like hey Lancelot
you just joined the round table right
and you’re the best knight in the world
this shit sounds like it is right up your alley
but Lancelot
who pretty much refuses EVERY OPPORTUNITY TO LOO