this is my last post for a while
(read: until New Year’s)
and the first break I have taken
so get your tear gland lubed up
get your typing fingers lubed up
because if you guys send me sweet guest myths during the break
i will totally post them
and you will get to be
seriously my email is firstname.lastname@example.org
Anyway so here’s a thing
It’s the night before christmas, right?
I mean actually i am aware that it is like a week before christmas
this is what is called poetic license guys
anyway there’s this house
and everybody in it
is passed right the fuck out
what did they eat?
it’s probably like 10PM and everyone is giving 110% in the snore olympics
seriously even the mice are asleep
mice are basically nocturnal
what is wrong with this house
is it cursed?
are they pumping carbon monoxide through the air ducts?
is this just a prelude to a horrible christmas day nightmare?
no probably not because this is a poem for children
anyway there are a bunch of socks stapled to the fireplace
and the children are hallucinating about dancing plums or some shit
but their parents don’t give a shit because they are also asleep
and this is when shit starts to go sour
because see at this point in the story
some serious ruckus occurs in the vicinity of the lawn
we are talking professional grade ruckus
this is the kind of ruckus that they pack into boxes
load into trucks
to professional wrestling matches
when additional ruckus supplies are necessary
so the man of the house wakes up like WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
BETTER GO CHECK THE WINDOW
and he looks outside
and clearly his children are not the only ones hallucinating
because he sees some FLYING REINDEER AND THIS FAT RED DUDE
ON AN EQUALLY LEVITATING SLEIGH
and he is like oh damn
oh shit oh damn oh shit
i know who that is
THAT’S SANTA CLAUS
and not only can he see this dude
he can also hear what he is saying
santa claus is yelling at all his lazyass reindeer
this is an inefficient way to run a sleigh
guys if I had a sleigh
with a bunch of unruly flying and occasionally glowing reindeer
I would just be like OY
come on they’re fucking REINDEER
they can fly sure
but can they do calculus?
do they speak with words?
do they have feelings?
pardon me of I do not call a beast of burden by a name
that it CANNOT EVEN SPELL
so anyway he lands on this guy’s roof
and the guy is so jazzed about this
he runs downstairs to drop some serious eaves
and what does he find?
A SOOT-COVERED REVERSE BURGLAR SMOKING A PIPE IN HIS LIVING ROOM
but santa claus is prepared for this eventuality
he is just like dude its fine
only he doesn’t say it
he just communicates it using HOLIDAY MAGIC
and then he puts presents all over everything
and gets the fuck out of there
and flies away with his spooky christmas pegasi
all like MERRY CHRISTMAS BITCHES
so the moral of the story
is that Santa Claus is real
there are true EYEWITNESS ACCOUNTS
IN RHYME NO LESS
so if you are not getting presents from him
you are probably just a huge asshole
is going to be
a fat kid's box of chocolates
until new years
how am i going to distract myself from work now
you better enjoy your break asshole
Wow… that was… wow.
merry christmas, happy new year, baddass january
The elf didn’t fly in the poem though.
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