Ok so Xenu right

he is this seriously bad dude
who is like emperor
of a MASSIVE GALACTIC EMPIRE
made up of like
26 stars
and 76 planets
one of which is earth
except it isn’t called earth
because that doesn’t sound retarded enough
no
it is called Teegeeack

so the galactic civilization
it is pretty much like what earth is like
in the 50s and 60s
in fact basically exactly alike
they wear the same clothes
and they have cars and buses and shit
not a very advanced galactic civilization actually

BUT WAIT
Xenu is about to get deposed
for being a seriously bad motherfucker all the time
so he’s like OH I KNOW
IF I KILL ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO DEPOSE ME
I CAN’T GET DEPOSED
FUCKING GENIUS
here is the problem guys
EVERYONE WANTS TO DEPOSE XENU
so he’s like well i guess i better kill everyone
but how do i do that
i’m going to need some help
HEY PSYCHIATRISTS

so all the psychiatrists show up like yea xenu whats up
and xenu is like guys i need you to trick all these people
or rather
all these THETANS
because thats what these guys are called
into showing up to my place for a tax audit or something
and the psychiatrists are like we have no problem with this
because we are evil

so all the thetans show up
like hey here are our income taxes or something
actually hold on
why is it
that everyone in the galaxy shows up
for an INCOME TAX AUDIT
especially if we are postulating
that these guys have the technology of the 1950s
which did not include faster than light travel
as far as i can tell
so people are travelling HUNDREDS OF YEARS
in their shitty, explosion prone spacecraft
for an INCOME TAX AUDIT
now if it had been a free puppies and cotton candy audit
or a professional grade booze enema audit
maybe i can see this working
but if you want to depose a guy
and then he is like HEY HOW BOUT THOSE INCOME TAXES
your response should not be RIGHT AWAY SIR CAN I CRADLE YOUR BALLS AS WELL

cause see
this whole thing turns out really badly for the thetans
like as soon as they show up
Xenu freezes them in alcohol and takes their souls
and then he puts them in some spaceships
and he takes them to earth
oh wait i’m sorry
TEEGEEACK
and he stacks them around volcanoes
but see
apparently volcanoes are not naturally dangerous enough for Xenu
NOOOOOO
molten fucking lava is not hardcore enough for this guy
so he puts HYDROGEN BOMBS in all of the volcanoes
and then blows them right the fuck up
vaporizing all these thetans
but like
keeping their souls intact?

because see the next thing that happens
is that xenu forces all these thetans
into a massive 3D movie theater
where they watch a 36 hour movie
encompassing all future religious symbolism
and where is this movie theater located exactly?
hawaii
obviously

so then the thetans get let out of the movie theater
and they are so fucking disoriented
and like
dead and stuff
that they just start grabassing at any body they can find
turning perfectly functional human beings
into skullfucked sadness engines
bent on self-destruction
and guys
that is why we all suck so bad
it is because a supervillain put bombs in volcanoes
and then evil spirits decided to lay eggs in our minds

and the worst part is
if you try and learn all this shit
without first preparing yourself to learn it
by paying a lot of money
again and again
the shock will be so great
that you will get pneumonia

so the moral is
don’t read this myth
unless you want to get pneumonia

the end.