Ok so Xenu right
he is this seriously bad dude
who is like emperor
of a MASSIVE GALACTIC EMPIRE
made up of like
and 76 planets
one of which is earth
except it isn’t called earth
because that doesn’t sound retarded enough
it is called Teegeeack
so the galactic civilization
it is pretty much like what earth is like
in the 50s and 60s
in fact basically exactly alike
they wear the same clothes
and they have cars and buses and shit
not a very advanced galactic civilization actually
Xenu is about to get deposed
for being a seriously bad motherfucker all the time
so he’s like OH I KNOW
IF I KILL ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO DEPOSE ME
I CAN’T GET DEPOSED
here is the problem guys
EVERYONE WANTS TO DEPOSE XENU
so he’s like well i guess i better kill everyone
but how do i do that
i’m going to need some help
so all the psychiatrists show up like yea xenu whats up
and xenu is like guys i need you to trick all these people
all these THETANS
because thats what these guys are called
into showing up to my place for a tax audit or something
and the psychiatrists are like we have no problem with this
because we are evil
so all the thetans show up
like hey here are our income taxes or something
actually hold on
why is it
that everyone in the galaxy shows up
for an INCOME TAX AUDIT
especially if we are postulating
that these guys have the technology of the 1950s
which did not include faster than light travel
as far as i can tell
so people are travelling HUNDREDS OF YEARS
in their shitty, explosion prone spacecraft
for an INCOME TAX AUDIT
now if it had been a free puppies and cotton candy audit
or a professional grade booze enema audit
maybe i can see this working
but if you want to depose a guy
and then he is like HEY HOW BOUT THOSE INCOME TAXES
your response should not be RIGHT AWAY SIR CAN I CRADLE YOUR BALLS AS WELL
this whole thing turns out really badly for the thetans
like as soon as they show up
Xenu freezes them in alcohol and takes their souls
and then he puts them in some spaceships
and he takes them to earth
oh wait i’m sorry
and he stacks them around volcanoes
apparently volcanoes are not naturally dangerous enough for Xenu
molten fucking lava is not hardcore enough for this guy
so he puts HYDROGEN BOMBS in all of the volcanoes
and then blows them right the fuck up
vaporizing all these thetans
keeping their souls intact?
because see the next thing that happens
is that xenu forces all these thetans
into a massive 3D movie theater
where they watch a 36 hour movie
encompassing all future religious symbolism
and where is this movie theater located exactly?
so then the thetans get let out of the movie theater
and they are so fucking disoriented
dead and stuff
that they just start grabassing at any body they can find
turning perfectly functional human beings
into skullfucked sadness engines
bent on self-destruction
that is why we all suck so bad
it is because a supervillain put bombs in volcanoes
and then evil spirits decided to lay eggs in our minds
and the worst part is
if you try and learn all this shit
without first preparing yourself to learn it
by paying a lot of money
again and again
the shock will be so great
that you will get pneumonia
so the moral is
don’t read this myth
unless you want to get pneumonia
You are good man! And Scientology is CRAP…
Hail to the King, baby!
I am craaaaaaaaaaaaving more Greek though man. I'm starving for it like Zeus is starving to get laid no joke.
It's funny that something tons of people actually believe today is more retarded than the shit people believed thousands of years ago.
The ad for Scientology.org at the end of this post is what makes it great!
change the tag, it isn't science, it is scientology.
Also, if you did stories about actual science this way, you could totally keep the Science tag. (Tesla?) (Edward “H-bomb” Teller?)
I second the changing tag motion.
The tag should be “scientology”.
I also second the motion for some science myths. What about the eureka story? Tesla vs Edison? Anything about Feynman?
+1 and a vote for Aristotle.
I like how people try to establish gradations of ridiculous between different pantheons. Pantheons are all totally believable to somebody, calling any specific religion bullshit is like advertising to the world that you are a close-minded bigot. That is why Cory goes through such lengths to make fun of EVERYTHING.
Taxes because Bethlehem! You’re pretty clever, Mr Hubbard.