Okay so way back in the day
in a galaxy that is way the fuck out there
there is a big empty chunk of space
with a bunch of words flying through it
and the words are like “hey guys
you are about to see some star wars
these wars are because some guys called the Empire built a death star
which is the kind of star you build when you want to blow up other stars
and then they were like ‘hey, everyone else in the galaxy
we are going to blow you up with this thing if you don’t do what we say’
but then some other dudes were like ‘no way!
we’re going to blow up that thing you have instead!’
but it turns out the death star is pretty much invincible
so this chick named Princess Leia had to steal the plans for it
to bring them to the rebel dudes
but remember
the Empire has a fucking DEATH STAR
so they pretty much do whatever
and now they’re about to jack Princess Leia and fuck up her shit”
and then once everyone is up to speed on what’s going on
the floating text RECEDES INTO SPACE
to provide nomadic exposition to aliens in FAR OFF GALAXIES.

so then all of a sudden, here comes princess Leia on her ship
and all the Empire dudes are totally shooting it with guns and junk
and this dude Darth Vader busts in
totally goth’d out in his black cape and robot hands
and he’s like “YO PRINCESS LEIA
WHERE DA PLANS AT”
and Princess Leia is like “Haha, joke’s on you, I shoved them up a droid’s ass
and then shot the droid and his neurotic droid lover into space”
(the droid and his lover are named R2D2 and C3PO by the way)
and Darth Vader is like “FUCK
GIRL I AM ABOUT TO TORTURE YOU SO HARD”

okay so MEANWHILE, down on Tatooine
(the sweaty, sand-encrusted left-testicle of the galaxy)
R2D2 and C3PO have landed and they are supposed to find this dude named Obi Wan
or at least, R2D2 is supposed to find him
C3PO’s job is to be a little bitch in a hundred different languages
so obviously they have a little lover’s tiff and they split up
but then they both get captured by glowy-eyed midgets who sell them to a farm

now
this farm is not just any farm
because on this farm
they have
OUR PROTAGONIST
LUKE “SEXY-BOY” SKYWALKER
and Luke’s uncle, who owns the farm is like “BOY
GO CLEAN THESE STOLEN DROIDS I JUST BOUGHT”
and Luke is like “Aww mannn I was gonna go get ripped with my homies
I wish my dad wasn’t dead
I bet he would let me go get ripped with my homies”
and Luke’s uncle is like “That is the shittiest reason ever
to wish that your dad wasn’t dead”
and while they are talking shit at each other
R2D2 runs away and luke has to chase him(?)
and then he and C3PO and R2D2 all get ambushed by some sand people
who are just dudes who live in the sand and wear weird masks
but it’s okay because this rad wizard shows up and beats their asses
and then it turns out that it’s OBI WAN KENOBI
THE DUDE R2D2 WAS LOOKING FOR
HOW CONVENIENT

so Luke and Obi Wan and their robot pals go back to Obi Wan’s crib
and R2D2 disgorges all this information that princess leia stuffed into his face
oh by the way
you should know that R2D2 basically looks like a metal gumdrop skewered on a tripod
and each leg of the tripod has roller skates
(C3PO just looks like a shiny metal jackass)
anyway, this picture of Princess Leia shoots out of R2D2’s face
and it’s like “Hey Obi Wan
get this droid to my home planet of Alderaan
it has all manner of crucial plans on it and whatnot”
and Obi Wan
who is a rad wizard
but is also pretty old
is like “Well shit
if I am about to go on a wild intergalactic adventure
it might be nice to have some new, impressionable blood along for the ride
WHAT DO YOU SAY, LUKE?
and Luke is like “Dude
I just found out your real name like 10 minutes ago
and now you want me to go help you blow up something called the DEATH STAR?
My friend
that thing
has DEATH
RIGHT IN THE MOTHERFUCKING NAME.
Plus, I gotta, uh, help my uncle with the farm.
Sorry bro.
Next rebellion, maybe.”
and Obi wan is like “boy
fuck your uncle
fuck his farm
fuck not joining an incredibly dangerous intergalactic war
I’m a friend of your dad’s
and your dad was totally killed by that Darth Vader guy
so you should definitely risk your life to avenge him or something
here
have some weapons and my crazy space religion!”
WOW
OBI WAN IS SERIOUSLY THE WORST INFLUENCE.
HE’S LIKE THIS CRAZY HOBO WIZARD
WHO JUST HITS UP YOUNG MEN AND HANDS THEM LASER SWORDS AND RELIGIOUS DOCTIRNE

So Luke turns down this compelling offer
like any smart dude would
but then he jets home to grab a sandwich
only to be confronted by HIS UNCLE’S CHARRED CORPSE
cause yeah
looks like imperial troops beamed down and shot everything while Luke was out
It’s like these dudes are BEGGING Luke to come ruin their shit

So Luke goes back and finds Obi Wan and the robots
who are all busy burning a pile of midget corpses for some reason
and he’s like “Alright dude
Let’s go fight some space nazis.”

So Luke drives everybody to the spaceport in his sweet convertible
and Obi Wan immediately starts running around
proving what a fucking loose cannon he is.
first he mind controls some police officers
then he goes into a bar and cuts off some guy’s arm
and then he gets down to business
and starts hiring smugglers to take him to Alderaan
MY FRIENDS
WHY IS THIS GERIATRIC HERMIT SO GOOD AT CRIMES?
IF I SAID IT ONCE, I’LL SAY IT AGAIN:
LUKE SHOULD NOT BE HANGING OUT WITH THIS GUY.
but oh yeah
you want to hear about the smuggler:

HAN
FUCKING
SOLO
if there was a dickhead olympics
this guy would not be the gold medalist
he would not be the silver medalist
he would not be the bronze medalist
no,
if there were a dickhead Olympics
Han Solo would not even be in the competition
because someone would have ground him up and made him into DICKHEAD STEROIDS

so Obi Wan hires this jerk machine, along with his Armenian co-pilot, Chewbacca
which is really good for Han Solo
because he owes a lot of money to this giant slug named Jabba the Hutt
and in fact right after Obi Wan and Luke leave
one of Jabba’s dudes comes to kill Han
but Han just shoots some lasers out of his dick and then he leaves too
because he may be a twat
but he’s a twat with BALLS.
then everybody has to run away from more space nazis

MEANWHILE
Darth Vader and his posse are chilling on the death star
and everyone is like “DARTH VADER
MAYBE YOU SHOULD STOP TORTURING PRINCESS LEIA SO MUCH
THE GALACTIC SENATE WILL BE DISPLEASED”
and Darth Vader is like “FUCK A GALACTIC SENATE
DISSOLVE THAT SHIT
WE HAVE A GUN THAT BLOWS UP PLANETS.
COME ON”
Then he chokes some guy with his mind because he can

oh yeah, now would be a great time to explain Obi Wan’s crazy space religion
so basically there’s this thing called The Force
it’s like any other kind of mystical bullshit
except it lets you do stuff like brainwash the police and choke people with your mind.
Pretty much it is like Taoism but for CRIME.
Oh and Darth Vader is in this religion too.
It’s pretty much just Obi Wan and Darth Vader
great religion, guys.

So anyway, Darth Vader gets tired of torturing Princess Leia
so he brings her out of the torture room
and he’s like “hey
I just remembered I have a gun that explodes planets.
Tell me where the rebels are at or I will explode your planet.”
and Leia is like “Oh fuck
it’s uh
right over there.”
And Darth Vader is like “Thanks.
Still gonna blow up your planet, though.”
BOOM
SO COOOOL.

But here’s the thing
first of all, Leia totally lied about where the rebel base is
but second of all
Leia is from Alderaan
and that’s where Han Solo and the good ship Jerkass are headed right now
so they come out of hyperspace
(while Obi Wan is making Luke dodge lasers blindfolded
BECAUSE HE IS A TERRIBLE INFLUENCE)
they are right in the middle of a bigass asteroid field
which turns out to be the remains of Alderaan
and then they look to their left and OH NO
IT’S THE DEATH STAR
AND IT HAS THEM IN A TRACTOR BEAM

So now they’re on the Death Star
and they’ve gotta be real sneaky and wear disguises
and they figure out that if they can disable the beam they can leave
so Obi Wan drags his old ass off to do that alone for some reason
and then Luke notices that Princess Leia is in the dungeon
and he totally wants to bone her
because he saw her in that hologram back at the beginning
and you don’t get to pick and choose your spank bank material when you live on Tatooine
so he’s like LET’S GO GET THE PRINCESS
and Han Solo is like UH NO
and Luke is like SHE’S WAY RICH
and Han Solo is like SOLD
completely ignoring the fact
that how is princess leia gonna be rich
when the planet she is princess of JUST FUCKING EXPLODED
but anyway, Han and Luke and Chewbacca go to get the princess
and R2D2 and C3PO stay by the ship
to be a badass and a pussnexus respectively

So what Luke and Han do
is they dress up like some of the nazi dudes
and they pretend Chewbacca is their prisoner
and they take him all the way to the dungeon
and then they get impatient and shoot everyone
and someone calls the prison guards on the radio
to see if they’re ok
and Han Solo gets frustrated and just shoots the radio
which means that princess Leia and Han and everybody
have to jump into the trash chute to escape
and they’re going to get crushed
but R2D2 fixes it
because he has a metal dick that solves problems.

So then they’re all running back to the ship
and meanwhile Obi Wan has disabled the tractor beam
but then he kinda goes out of his way to find darth vader
so those dudes whip out their laserdicks and start slappin’
but Obi Wan has a secret
which is that he’s a crazy old man who wants to fucking die
so when Luke runs past and sees what’s up
Obi Wan straight DROPS HIS LIGHTSABER
and Darth Vader kills him
and Luke is like OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
and Han Solo is like GET ON THIS SHIP SO I CAN BANG THE PRINCESS

because see
here is the thing
Luke may have this nancy-boy puppy love thing going on
but from the moment they dragged her out of her prison cell
Leia was immediately and inextricably drawn into the orbit
of the binary star that is Han Solo’s two massive testicles
I mean all you gotta do
is listen to the insults these two lovebirds are hurling back and forth
to know that those two are gearing up for a legendary hatefuck.

ANYWAY
now they fly to the rebel base on the moon of some planet somewhere
and they deliver the droids with the plans
and they figure out the death star’s ONLY WEAKNESS
which is a tiny exhaust pipe at the ass end of a trench bathed in lasers.
Some people say it’s stupid that the death star has this weakness
but I think if you build a spaceship the size of a planet
you’re doing pretty good
if you can get your crucial structural flaws down to ONE METER SQUARE.
But luke doesn’t give a fuck
he is absolutely convinced that he can do this
because he used to fly a crop duster or some shit back on Tattoine
All he needs is a few weeks to train with his fighter squadron and
OH SHIT WHAT IS THIS
IT LOOKS LIKE DARTH VADER PUT A TRACKING DEVICE ON HAN SOLO’S SHIP
AND NOW SHIT IS APPROACHING THE FAN AT NEAR-LIGHT-SPEED.

So everybody gets in their spaceships and goes to blow up the death star
and this may come as a shock to you guys
(I know it came as a shock to me)
but I find space battles pretty fucking boring
so lemme give you the rundown:
pretty much all the rebels die
and Darth Vader makes the dumb decision to come fly a space fighter himself
and then Luke goes to go shoot the exhaust pipe
and he’s almost there
when the ghost of Obi Wan shows up
and tells him to CLOSE HIS EYES AND DISABLE HIS TARGETING COMPUTER.
MY FRIENDS:
WHAT DO I KEEP SAYING ABOUT OBI WAN KENOBI
and then Darth Vader is about to shoot Luke
but Han Solo shows up and saves him with guns
conveniently blasting Darth Vader clear of the death star
which Luke somehow manages to destroy despite Obi Wan’s interference
and then everyone gets medals and Han is on the fast track to some Princess Poontang
and it’s all thanks to Obi Wan
…somehow

So I guess the moral of the story
is that just because someone lives alone in the desert
makes a habit of passing out powerful beam weapons to teens
subscribes to an archaic religion with fantastic potential for abuse
is intricately familiar with the criminal underworld
and is prone to random bouts of suicide
doesn’t mean they’ll necessarily make a bad mentor.

TO BE CONTINUED