So Kullervo gets apprenticed
to a blacksmith and his woman
but the blacksmith’s always elsewhere
so it’s really just the woman
(who’s just called “the blacksmith’s woman.”
Finland doesn’t name its women.)
So this woman sees Kullervo
and she doesn’t really like him
not that I can really blame her
so she packs him up a lunchbox
and then sits him down and tells him:

“I’ma make you be my shepherd
go defend my cows from goblins
also bears and wolves and werewolves
(Finland has a wildlife problem)
then you need to bring them back here
where I’ll milk their fucking tits off
man I REALLY love that dairy
all that butter, milk and yogurt
all that cheese and ice cream sundaes
have you ever taken warm milk
and just poured it on your body
rubbed it all over your body
til it’s dripping off your body
wow I think I have a boner.”
and Kullervo’s like “…okay then”

So he takes the lady’s cattle
out across the Finnish prairie
and it’s really fucking boring
and he’s pretty goddamn hungry
so he digs into his lunchbox
and he finds a big ol’ oat cake
so he sticks his knife into it
(just to see if he can kill it)
but the oat-cake has a secret:
THERE’S A ROCK INSIDE THIS OAT CAKE
WHY ARE ROCKS INSIDE AN OAT CAKE?
CAUSE THAT LADY IS AN ASSHOLE
now Kullervo’s knife is broken
which is really disappointing
how’s he gonna murder people?
but a bird appears and tells him:
“You’re a wizard, dude, remember?
You can fuck shit up with magic.
I’m a bird, and I support this.”
(birds are terrible, I tell you)
so Kullervo calls the goblins
and the wolves, and bears, and werewolves
plus the vultures and the dragons
and the cattle mutilators
man, those cows don’t know what hit em

then he rounds up all those monsters
while they’re gnawing on that beefsteak
and he makes them look like cattle
just to prank his shitty mistress
then he goes back to the castle
and he tells her “come touch udders!”
but she’s like “you fucking do it.”
and he’s like “Oh man, I’d love to
boy these udders look so luscious
I can’t wait to squirt the milk out
squirt it all over my body
rub the nipples on my body
til there’s yogurt on my body…”
and the lady’s like “I’M COMING.”

so she runs into the front yard
all like “LET ME TOUCH THE UDDERS”
but there aren’t any udders
all there is are wolves and goblins
and she’s like “Oh shit, don’t eat me”
and she asks the gods to save her
but Kullervo prays to kill her
and the gods like that dick better
so that crazy dame gets eaten
crying out in butter anguish
and Kullervo’s like “Aw hell yea
serves you right for shitty biscuits
time to go and cause more problems
bet this won’t have consequences.”

So the moral of this story
is to brush up on your baking.