The Godfather Part 1 Makes Me Want Pasta

So it’s this chick’s wedding
it’s not SUPER important who she is
she doesn’t really do much in the story
other than get beat up and yell a little
no, what’s important
is her DAD
her dad is Vito Corleone
he’s a big crime guy
he’s important.

so Vito’s daughter is getting married
to some shitty guy nobody cares about.
what everybody does care about though
is that there is some dumb rule
that says that whenever one of Vito’s daughters gets married
he has to do a solid for anybody who wants one
it’s an inconvenient tradition
i have no idea why he would agree to this
also he looks like he has marbles in his mouth

so some dudes ask vito for favors
which mainly involve beating up rapists
and decapitating horses in order to freak out hollywood execs
you know
real robin hood shit
and then he sits down to talk to some heroin dealers

so the heroin dealers are like “Yo Vito
we would love to sell all this heroin
would you like to invest in our heroin business?”
and Vito is like “Nah, heroin is not really my style
I mainly sell olive oil
and like
and the heroin dealers are like “Ok dude
your loss.”

So the next day Vito is shopping for produce
when the heroin guys show up
and then they shoot bullets at him
and he’s like “God damn guys I was just trying to get some oranges
what the fuck”
(fun fact: Whenever someone picks up an orange in these movies
shit is about to get real.
other fun fact: al pacino does not know the right way to eat oranges.)

So now Vito is in the hospital
which means he can’t run his crime syndicate
which means his shitty son Santino is now in charge.
This is terrible
because whereas Vito built his crime empire on ruthless calculation
and a strong reputation
Santino “Sonny” Corleone’s strategy
more or less at random.
Meanwhile his brother Michael
who is a war hero and also not a complete idiot
is the one who has to keep Vito from getting killed in the hospital
by rival gangs/the crooked police.
He does this by standing in front of the hospital
with some random guy he found
and PRETENDING to have a gun.
This pisses off the chief of police
who punches him in the face for being sassy
and then Michael is like “aw hell no.”

So Michael goes to Sonny and he’s like “Hey bro
I know you’ve already killed 80% of the population of NYC
but you have conspicuously failed to kill anyone important
and now the chief of police
and the head of the gang that shot dad
both want to meet with me for some reason
so how about I jeapordize my totally clean criminal record
and my spotless military reputation
and shoot them both in a restaurant in front of a bunch of witnesses”
and Sonny
who you may remember is an idiot
is like “YEAHHHHHHHH.”

So Michael does this
because literally everything Michael ever does is a success
and then he flees to italy
(abandoning his girlfriend)
in italy he sees a chick
and immediately gets married to her
then she explodes
then he goes back to New York city and marries his girlfriend
I don’t know why any of this happens
other than maybe to show that Michael Corleone has a sociopathic dick.

Meanwhile, Sonny is still busily fucking shit up.
See, remember the chick who got married at the beginning?
she’s his sister
and the shitty dude she married is now beating her up.
So Sonny goes and beats HIM up
not so much because he disapproves of spousal abuse
(he has also been known to beat up his wife
after cheating on her
because he’s great)
but more because he really likes beating on people.
But then joke’s on Sonny
because that shitty dude turns around and sells him out
to the rival mob
who shoots him with SO MANY BULLETS
that Vito (who is now sort of recovered)
has to call in a favor with a funeral director
just to make his body not look like a blood pinata.

So now Sonny’s dead
and Vito has too many bullets in him to be mob president
which means Michael has to be the godfather now
I mean he has an older brother named Fredo
but Fredo is about as competent as a dish glove full of earthworms
so Michael Corleone it is.
Michael gets right down to business
having a kid with his brand new wife
buying up some hotels in Vegas
and trying to figure out why everyone in his family is getting shot
(spoilers: it’s because they’re in the FUCKING MAFIA)
Then Vito is like “Hey son
I figured it all out:
remember the dudes you shot before
because they tried to kill me?
Those weren’t even the real dudes in charge
it was some other dudes
and they’re way sneakier than those first dudes
so pro tip:
they’re gonna try and set up a meeting with you
and then instead of talking business
they are going to shoot you with guns
and they are going to use one of your own guys to give the invitation
so what you do
and this is brilliant
is instead of accepting the invitation
just kill whoever invites you
because they’re a traitor
and not enough people have died in this movie yet.”
and Michael is like “Solid advice, dad.
Got anymore?”
and Vito is like “NOPE, DYING OF A HEART ATTACK.”

So then at the funeral
one of Michael’s guys is like “Hey
wanna come to a shady meeting with this other mob boss?”
and Michael’s like “Yeah that sounds great
cough TRAITOR cough”
and the traitor is like “What did you say?”
and Michael is like “Nothing, go about your business.
Take no extra precautions or anything.”
Then he goes to see some kid baptized
and while he’s in there, holding a baby
five dudes die simultaneously
and they just happen to be the heads of the five mafia families
that were opposing Michael’s family
and then the traitor gets killed too
and also that shitty dude that got married at the beginning.
None of this has ANYTHING to do with Michael Corleone

But there’s a problem
which is that Michael’s sister
was STILL MARRIED to that shitty dude when he got killed
and she knows it’s Michael’s fault
so she goes to him like “BRO WTF.”
and Michael’s like “I DIDN’T DO IT, GOD.”
and she’s like “YEAH YOU DID.”
and he’s like “NUH UH.”
and she’s like “FINE WHATEVER.
and then Michael’s wife is like “Hey man
seriously though
did you have her husband killed?
Because that would really bum me out.”
and Michael is like “Nope.
Who kills people?
Not me, that’s for sure.”
and his wife is like “Oh wow phew I feel so much better.”
and then Michael Corleone is the most powerful mafia boss of all time!

So the moral of the story
is that you cannot solve all your problems with murder
but lying plus murder together is a pretty baller combo.

The end.

4 thoughts on “The Godfather Part 1 Makes Me Want Pasta

  1. I feel like this is kinda out of the purview of “myths”. It’s not even a story. It’s a movie. I don’t think you’ve even done movies before. I’d rather see you get back to the Silmarillion or Brazillian capoeira or something.
    Still gonna be linking this all over the interwebs.

  2. You’re doing movies too now! I love it!

    Are you in the mood for more Sherlock Holmes stories by any chance? Because here are two that are *batshit insane*:

    -“The Read-Headed League,” featuring the most gullible Sherlock Holmes character by far and the heartiest “WTF” laughter by Holmes:

    -“The Adventure of Charles Augustus Milverton,” where Watson realizes he has a secret boner for doing irresponsibly illegal things FOR JUSTICE:

    -Bonus (non-canonical self-parody): Doyle shows how much he hates Watson and wants gim to suffer:

  3. I love this!
    The Godfather was amazing but now I actually prefer your version.
    I missed Tom Hagen a bit, but apart from being kidnapped once and then return safely and cutting of that horse’s head and not being able to be a war consigliore he basically doesn’t do shit. But I liked him very much. Somehow.
    Awesome work, Ovid! I’m happy about coming back to this page to re-read brilliant stuff just to find even more brilliant stuff!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *