Welcome back to lovely Icefuck Island
[Greenland]
where the state bird is abject misery
and the official sport is cannibalism
from this floating sea-lozenge or arctic pain comes a lovely little tale
about doing sex with animals
here we go:

so there’s these two sisters
they are outside
which was their first mistake
their second mistake is that one of them is like hey
look at that eagle up there
and that whale skull down there
hey sis
I’m totes gonna marry that eagle
but YOU are gonna marry that whale skull
FATTY
and apparently FATTY is the magic word
because the whale skull turns into a whale and abducts the sister
and then the eagle comes flying down and picks up the other sister
like crazy north-pole zeus.
i think we can all agree
that this is total bullshit
i mean people say dumb shit all the time
if i got abducted by everything I said I was gonna marry
I would be married to a racecar, a case of gin, and a bag of pork cracklins AT LEAST
then again I would also be married to Kevin Spacey and whoever invented blowjobs
so maybe the problem isn’t that you can marry anything just by expressing the desire
maybe the problem
is that a whale skull and an eagle are two DEEPLY STUPID THINGS to want to marry
ok i need to stop talking about how fucked up this is
so I can get to talking about how fucked up THIS is:

the whale will not let his wife leave the house
not so bad, right?
that’s because you have forgotten that Greenland doesn’t have indoor plumbing at this time
so where does wife go to pee, you might wonder
does she just go in the corner?
nuh uh
the whale keeps her from having any excuse to go outside
by making her piss IN HIS MOUTH
GUYS:
WHAT??
IS THIS WHAT PEOPLE DID BEFORE THERE WAS INTERNET PORN?
LIKE
IF YOU WERE AN ANGMAGSALIK TEEN BACK IN THE DAY
DID YOU HAVE TO STASH STORYTELLERS UNDER YOUR MATTRESS
SO YOU COULD PULL THEM OUT WHEN MOM AND DAD WERE AWAY
AND HAVE THEM TELL YOU THE ONE WHERE THE HOT CHICK PISSES IN A WHALE’S MOUTH
WHILE YOU FURIOUSLY COCKED YOUR PLEASURE-RIFLE?
oh I know what you’re wondering
“Ovid, ovid
what about poops?
does she poop in his mouth too?”
no of course not you cretin
that would be unsanitary
she shits in his HANDS
come on guys

meanwhile the sister with the eagle has it pretty good
every day the eagle goes to the river and catches THREE NARWHALS
what kind of jumbo-jet eagle is this
that can carry a narwhal in each talon and one in its beak?
well i guess whatever kind of eagle can understand human speech
and likes to abduct young girls
…okay I am becoming more and more convinced that this is just zeus’s crazy northern vacation

anyway when the eagle is on his way home every day
he drops one narwhal at the girl’s parents’ house
which is good cause food is scarce up there
and then he brings the other two to his wife
so basically the joke is on her
she called her sister a fatty
and now it is her who is stuffing her face with actual blubber every night
obviously she won’t stand for this
so she makes a rope out of whale meat
and bungee jumps out of the nest one day when her husband is gone
and runs home
and later the eagle shows up at her house like WHAT THE FUCK
and her dad shoots him in the heart

RAD

but the other sister is still married to a perverted undead whale
so what the family does is they build a whaling boat
and they keep racing it against birds until it’s faster than birds
and then they go to the whale’s house
does anyone else think it’s weird that the whale has a house?
whales don’t live in houses, guys
that’s not something that whales
oh wait
just remembered what story this is
carry on

so the wife sees her family outside
and she’s like hey husband
let me go outside so I can piss
and the whale is like WOMAN
YOU CAN PISS IN MY MOUTH
and she’s like ok I need to make poop
and he’s like WOMAN
YOU CAN SHIT IN MY HANDS
and she’s like dude look
I have been shitting in your hands for like three months now
and you’re not leaving the house either
i can’t even see your hands under this mound of my shit
just tie a rope around me and you can pull me back in if I’m gone too long
and the whale is like OK FINE

so she goes outside with this rope
and he IMMEDIATELY starts yanking it
and she’s like DUDE
IT’S BARELY POKING OUT, JUST GIMME A SECOND
and then she starts tying the rope to a rock
but the whale starts pulling again
and she’s like MAN
FIVE MORE MINUTES
A BUTT-BABY LIKE THIS CAN’T BE RUSHED
and then she finishes tying it to a rock and jumps in the boat

so eventually the whale figures out what’s up
and he gets all pissed and climbs in the water
where whales are SUPPOSED to be
and he swims FAST
he swims SO FAST
that pretty soon he is about to eat the boat
and the girl’s family is like QUICK
GIVE HIM A STRIPTEASE
so she takes off her boots and throws them in the water

now friends
I have at times been accused of stigmatizing mental illness on this website
this is a fair claim
I want to take this opportunity to let you all know
that I have had a great deal of experience with mental illness
seeing as it runs in my family
real mental illness is not a thing I take lightly
with that in mind
here is the line that comes right after the girl throws her shoe in the water:
“The whale sniffed at it and examined it, and was thus retarded a little.”
Thank you.

but the whale is only a little retarded, so pretty soon he catches up
which means this girl has to take off more
(ie SEXIER)
articles of clothing
she takes off her
WOOLEN MITTENS
and her
ANORAK COAT
and her
FUR SCARF
and her
SOCKS
and her
NATIT
wait wait whoa what
what is a “natit”?

well thanks to the internet, I can tell you:
“natit, an article of dress that covers the sexual organs
and is applied by the young East-Greenlanders when they,
he or she , think themselves and are thought by their cognates
to be full-grown. Søren Hansen found for 31 men and 15 women
the average size to be 1647 and 1551 (max.: 1760 and 1650,
min.: 1540 and 1450), thus 23 and 60™°^ more. ”
in other words
it’s PANTIES
after the bestiality and the necrophilia
and the pissing in the mouth and the shitting in the hands
she throws her fucking panties at him
and he of course develops an overpowering nosebleed
crashes into the shore
and dies
bam
problem solved

so the moral of the story
is maybe you can’t fight fire with fire
but you can sure as shit fight fetish with fetish

the end